We’ve discussed here before the many reason why men avoid confrontation and being honest. We can call them pussies, cowards, weaklings, etc. The main reason is that they just don’t want to deal with the inevitable drama.
“But I’m not like that!” you say.
It’s quite possible that you’re not. But I think many of us have said that. And when emotions get going or you’re up against a man who just doesn’t give you the answer or acknowledgement you feel you deserve, it’s easy to go from zero to sixty. Then you join the ranks of every other woman that has flipped out on a guy, and give him another reason to believe that we’re all crazy lunatics.
I completely understand the desire to be acknowledged. Completely. Ultimately, though, we end up chasing our tail. When confronted, it’s highly unlikely that a man is going to be honest anyway. So you have two choices: You can accept that little to no answer is the answer or you can get up in his face and hear what is likely to be a big fat lie told to you to keep you from ragging on them on Facebook. If you prefer the latter, then you’re not looking for the courtesy you say you seek. You’re trying to “win.”
There is no winning in these situations. The victory is shallow and brief. After a few hours or a couple of days, after you’ve told and re-told the story to numerous friends, you realize that the guy just told you what he thought you wanted to hear to make you go away.
There is no act more transparent to a man than a woman trying to be all sassy! So he gives her that. He lets her get all finger waggin’, how dare you, don’t you know who I am, you’re lucky to have been with me, you were lame in bed anyway. He let’s her wind herself up and spin around until she tires and just falls on her side, depleted. Most men know when a woman is looking to a fight or angling for something. The pre-emptive strike of notifying someone that you will no longer be seeing them when they’ve made little to no effort to see you anyway is a great example. Don’t do that. Actions like that have the exact opposite effect that we hope them to have. We’re trying to get the guy to hear us out by threatening to take away something that they really didn’t want in the first place. They’ll nod or listen and wait for us to wrap up. Then they’ll say “Okay.”
That’s it. Just “Okay.” (That’s the worst, right?) Now we’re left with either disengaging so we can complete our act and take our bow…or we continue to try to prod them in to having the conversation we really wanted to have. How often does that ever work??
And that’s the catch. Whenever you try to reclaim some sort of control or dignity by using anger or confrontation (even in its most calm form), what you really do is exhaust the very power you are trying to gain.
The bottom line is that if a man you’ve barely dated hasn’t given you the attention you want, or has decided to move on without you, nothing you say is going to make him care what you think or how you feel. It’s not personal. So all the verbal back and forth and innocent questions and pleading texts or emails are in vain. He doesn’t care. He’s moved on. He’s not trying to hurt you or shame you. He’s just not expending the energy in to something that has no bearing on his future or his life. There’s no point in arguing as , in his mind, there’s nothing to say and nothing to defend. They’re not trying to shame us or make us feel bad. If anything, they’re trying to prevent us from doing something really, really stupid like not letting go. That’s why they aren’t indulging us. Yes, absolutely, there are men who get off on making women go crazy. But most men aren’t like that. Many men genuinely feel for our situation, but just don’t wish to encourage us. They actually fear they will be doing more harm than good.
You want to make a statement? Say little to nothing. That sort of cool speaks volumes. It’s the one kind of response that has a higher likelihood of getting you the response you want. I know you want to get angry. I know you’re fed up and frustrated.
Don’t let loose. You’ll hate yourself for it. You’ll regret it and second guess yourself and wonder what he’s thinking. I know you want to just explode. That is exactly what most men expect. So suprise them. Be different.
If there’s one message out there swirling around is that women are being told to cater to men, treat them delicately, and not to speak up for fear of scaring a man off. You can’t scare someone off who was never that interested in the first place.
I think this message is being misinterpreted. I think what pundits and writers are actually suggesting is to pick your battles more wisely and choose maintaining your dignity over a hollow “victory.” Speak up to and defend yourself to a man a man that actually matters to you. These men that you go out with once, twice, three times? The guys that blow you off, don’t reply to emails, only contact you when they’re horny or have nothing better to do?
They don’t matter. Do not give them the type of attention that says otherwise.