Originally Posted Oct 14, 2009 – 56 Comments
Name: whatthehell?? | | Location: Everett , WA |Question: I recently met a guy for coffee. We had only IM’d and had never even spoken on the phone. When we met up, I found myself sitting across from a 10. I can’t do him justice in typing this, except to say that he clearly has mastered the art of creating a masterpiece out of his body. His muscles were HUGE, his face was perfect, and he was smart and witty the entire time.
We talked for 3.5hrs. When we parted ways, we hugged. He said to me, “Did you feel that? I felt it.” (I am assuming he met a “VIBE” or something like that) Anyway, we parted ways.
I am pushing 34 and this guy is 26. Looks wise? I don’t look old or anything in the face, but I am overweight, out of shape, etc. (a good 50 lbs)I did not really expect to hear from him again, as, in my opinion, we don’t have a whole lot in common. HOwever, the convo was stimulating, and was of the intellectual variety. He did not try anything sexual or even speak to me in that way.
He texted me the next day to tell me he had a great time.He texted me the day after that telling me he was thinking about the great convo we had, and was wondering how soon I would like to see him again, and asking questions about my schedule (as I am a single mom.. hard to get out!)
My question is this: (and I giggle as I type this, because I know I sound like the lowest self esteem weirdo on the planet)… What is this guy doing? I am baffled. I would like to say it is my amazing personality, charm, etc.. but come on. He’s 26 and has all the options in the world. I don’t get it. What do you think? |Age: 33
In my original response back in 2009, I assumed he had to be pulling your leg somehow or looking to use you. Now, as I read this again, I’m wondering if maybe this guy wasn’t always some chiseled, well sculpted God. Maybe he became that way after spending many years as the nerdy guy on the beach who used to get sand kicked in his face. On the outside he’s the Adonis. But on the inside he’s still that insecure guy. So, while I still maintain that we are attracted to what we know and that like attracts like, what I didn’t consider originally was who he was on the inside.
This makes me curious about if what we are attracted to or our respective “type” changes if we make external alterations in our appearance. Does who we find attractive or sexy change as our bodies or looks change? Or do we make a conscious choice to pursue and date people who are more objectively attractive because we think we should?
I’m less concerned with the difference in your respective looks and more concerned with the age difference. These younger guys that pursue older women always strike me as clueless or up to no good. Or looking for a Mommy. I can’t help but feel like this guy just wants his chance to sleep with the “older, more experienced woman.” Online dating sites are full of those guys. They’re the ones that always say “age is just a number” or some other tired cliché. My feeling is, 95% of the time, if a younger man pursues a woman much older than him, it’s for the sex. And he doesn’t necessarily have to be attracted to that woman, either. He just wants the experience, the story to tell. It’s not odd that a guy would make a ton of effort or show great interest even though he’s just looking for sex. Many men, of all ages, will invest a lot of time just for the sex. They’re the same guys who bail after 2 or 3 dates, or who suddenly become less responsive and attentive after you do have sex.
He said to me, “Did you feel that? I felt it.”
Yeah, that’s called the power of suggestion. People don’t really say things like that. When someone uses a line that you’d hear on a prime time drama or in a romcom, something that strikes you as a little too cute or dramatic…they’re usually lying. You know those lines when you hear them, too. You get a little twinge in your gut or they make you crinkle your forehead. Those lines jump out at you.
If you both did truly feel it, he wouldn’t have had to verbally point that out. If anything, he strikes me as really needy and inexperienced with relationships. Maybe even a bit insecure. Regardless of how you look, desperation or the need for approval from others, especially strangers, is never a good sign. It’s obviously important to him to know that you feel whatever it is he thinks or claims to be feeling. This guy is just trying too hard.
I don’t trust these guys who seem too interested too soon. I know that makes me sound paranoid but…this guy is 26. She’s almost 34 and has a child. Something just isn’t right here. He very well could be attracted to her, but I think there are deeper issues or reasons for why he’s pursuing her that has nothing to do with physical attraction.
Like I’ve said before, when something feels “off” that’s usually because it is.
This seems like the classic younger man looking for an older FB story. A single mom is probably starved for sex, too busy with her child to demand being taken out a lot, realistic enough to not have a lot of relationship expectations of a younger man, and being overweight she’s probably susceptible to the ego boost which comes along with having casual sex with a guy several steps up on the looks scale.
Ego boost sex is pretty thrilling, until you consider the fact that you didn’t take several steps up. The guy actually has taken several steps down, and once you realize this, the magic is gone.
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I know it keeps the psychologists in business and the church coffers filled, but not everything we do that feels good is done because we need it to feel good. Good sex with someone you find attractive certainly feels good…but does it always mean the person doing it needs the ego boost? (Or that they have a deficient ego to begin with?)
The OP may bring a number of other things to the table: the ability to successfully juggle a career and her kids; being an interesting conversationalist; she might even be smoking, as nikki04 suggested. Who knows, really, as she was so busy questioning herself that it seems like she (and all of us) are conditioned to think that one can only bring physical looks and a svelte body to their “league.” But when you’re talking about dating someone and having it lead to a relationship, things like a stable financial situation; ability to manage one’s life; ability to communicate openly and truth fully; and having passion and interests in common also become part of the league.
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All this could be true, but most likely isn’t. Believing that an older woman’s “ability to juggle a career and kids” makes her attractive to a younger man is very unrealistic, as are your other examples. Wishful thinking at best!
The shortest, easiest, most obvious answer is usually the correct one.
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Believe me, there are guys out there with mommy issues who are looking for someone who will be their mommy too and run their life just like they get the kids to soccer practice. I was married to one.
If figuring out this one was so simple, the OP wouldn’t have written in…it defies logic and her experience.
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I have to agree with most of what you said, Moxie. I think it’s the line (yes – who the fuck says things like that??) that gets me the most.
However. I’d add two additional thoughts: 1. A lot of women are generally down on themselves (so maybe she is smoking, she just doesn’t know it) and 2. we should be careful not to fall into conventional themes of beauty and attraction. I’ve learned not everyone is into a size four, or the same age, and maybe they actually (*gasp*) appreciate intellectual conversation as something that attracts them. We all have our own things that get us – and they are not always what shows up on the TV.
That being said – I still share your mistrust of this situation. It would be interesting to hear what happened…
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He could be a narcissist who needs to be the prettiest one in the relationship, or so insecure and messed up in other ways that the women in his league think “mess” and move on. I met someone last year who had both of those reasons for being around women considerably less attractive than him. He had me and several other women fooled that it was because he was less shallow and superficial than other men, and that he really cared more about brains than looks. He uses that to kid himself that he’s a nice guy, better than the rest. While he does care less about looks than brains, there’s definitely a reason why, and it doesn’t exactly situate him on a pedestal.
As for @Vox’s comment, it reminds me of my friend S, who likes women with flat tummies, but acknowledges that fat girls are much better in bed because they try harder to please. Now DMN may not mind if they just lie there as long as they’re smokin’ hot, but there are guys who have learned there’s a reward at the end of the tunnel, so to speak, for selecting someone who’s not in their league.
And if he’s 26, he may be tired of the 26-year-old females in his league who are busy fending off baby-making proposals from financially-set guys in their 40s and think they have all the options and time left in the world. Or he’s not getting the time of day from them, so is casting about for someone who will be much more flattered by his interest, as OP obviously was.
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I don’t think guys step downward because they think the gal will be more eager to please; they just do it to get laid easier and quicker. Look at the OP’s letter – she was giddy that such an attractive man was paying her some attention. That’s the sign of an easy fuck. And I’m not putting down the OP either… I’ve been the easy fuck a time or two myself after being blinded by looks/power/money.
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I agree with Vox. It’s not about the quality of the sex. And, guys step down not just because she’ll be an “easier fuck.” She’ll also be easier to be around generally. She’s more likely to adore you, laugh at your jokes and tolerate your bullshit, etc. All good stuff.
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Eager to please in bed includes getting there quickly…that pretty much goes without saying. But there are some heavier women with enough hangups about their bodies that they either are terrified to have someone see them naked, or are so inhibited once they get there they can’t relax and enjoy themselves. So the “fat girls are easy” thing isn’t any more universal than any other category of women you could name.
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For the theory that someone who was nerdy/skinny/overweight and then they put in a heaping amount of effort to enhance their bodies I would think they would become more critical of those who haven’t rather then more accepting. You hear those stories all the time when one half of the relationship loses some weight and becomes drunk off the new attention that they end up neglecting/cheating on their partner.
If you both are slacking a little and not as toned as you once were then it’s like sure no big deal but if one puts in the effort and sees a difference while the other just complains and does nothing about it, then it kind of erks you. Sort of a if I can do it why can’t you?
For the younger older relationships somehow I feel like if the guy is young enough (say 20-25) and not the type to chase tail non stop I think his feelings for an older woman can absolutely be sincere. I’ve seen a few rl cases of this. I think these guys are less jaded and ego driven and relish the intimacy.
However the guy the OP with his lame comment at the end doesn’t strike me as that type rather then someone trying to get laid the easiest way he knows how.
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He could be a narcissist, insecure or really likes chubby women.
(From the vague description of HUGE muscles, to my good fortune, my wife hates that. A lot of women I know hate that–toned yes, muscle-bound, no.)
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Any chance you can email the OP and find out what happened? I mean…it *has* been a year.
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The dude is looking to get laid. Period. Nevermind his looks. why would an attractive 26 yo who could go out w tons of childless women be bothered with the OP? If he were 40 plus and there was a different pool (read: more single moms) to pick from, I wouldn’t be suspect. But given his age and her age, I’m sitting here scratching my head and asking why, too?
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Hi,
I enjoyed reading your points of view. But I feel like conclusions are drawn a little too fast. I would like to give my personal point of view.
I am a 25 y.o. guy; rather a 10 (did some modeling in the past). I am an Ivy-league graduate educated, have traveled around the world, speak near to 4 languages, work in a R&D department, make more than 100k a year. Well, I could keep going on like that but in general I am the kind of guy girls want.
And yes, like this guy, I can’t stand dating a girl younger than me. Either they are not secure enough to stand near me and think I am there just to take advantage of them, either they tell me after a few days that they are in love of me (but in reality it is just their ego talking). They want to introduce me to friends and family, want to hold my hand every time we are in public and so on.
The last one told me: “I cannot believe it! I’m so lucky to have found you!!!” And me, in the back of my mind: “oh gosh, not this again!! How come I am so unlucky to meet another girl like that?!!
At the end when I leave, they always end up with a broken heart. And it is a bit annoying because I am becoming the asshole and have to deal with all the drama that follows.
On the other hand, dating older women is very attractive. You can have smart conversations, enjoy great dates, relaxing moment at home and have a feeling of security.
When I was 23, I dated a woman 11 years older than me and believe me, it was one of my best dating experience. She was caring and was enjoying the moment. Neither needy nor trying to fool me she was attentive and did not put pressure on me. She understood that even if I was a smart and attractive man, I was like everybody else: looking for a stable and constructive relationship.
Maybe she was enjoying the sex too. But yeah, I did enjoy it too! And I certainly did enjoy the maturity and sincerity of the relationship. In short, I was seeing myself growing.
And after a few months, we simply decided to move on. No drama, no tears, just good memories.
So yeah, maybe this guy is a bit unsecure, or looking for a mama thing! But think a bit about it. He is young and certainly not ready to commit. He can get girls easily and I am sure he’s aware of it. And if he is as smart as you say, he must be more mature than you think (more experiences, better understanding of the world in which we live and a good self esteem as everybody bend in front of his beauty). Simply younger girls are not a good fit.
And when you are not ready to commit, why spend a lot of time looking for this special someone that will be beautiful, smart, secure, etc when you can have quality and stability with older women ?
The equation is easy, knowing also that older women are more secure and sometimes pick us up!
Definitely, when you go older women, it’s difficult to come back!
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My DH last girlfriend was I think at least 7 years older then him and he always had nothing but good things to say about her. She helped him grow up and move past the party scene and helped him see what a steady normal relationship could be like. The girls his own age it was more careless and everybody dating everybody sort of thing. He would have committed to her but she was the one who sabotaged things.
All in all I’m grateful for their relationship because she got him nice and ready for me because at the young age of 27 he already had a lot of great relationship tools for dealing with difficult situations but also knowing how to be compassionate and understanding.
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Wake the hell up! He’s a player looking for a cash cow!
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Why don’t you just sleep with him and get it over with. You are obviously attracted to him and you need to feel validated….
Realistically there are a group of men looking to have sex with as many women it is a competitive sport. The other day one of my friends told me he had a friend who slept with over 60 women on plentyoffish.
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