Name: Elle | Location: New York , New York |Question: Hi Moxie. I need some advice. I met this guy, Mark,
through a mutual friend at Mark’s New Year’s Eve party. Mark likes to take pictures of others (and pics of himself with others) at his parties and he took a pic of me with our mutual friend. He made a comment about how nice my boobs were to our friend but our friend just laughed it off as a joke.
But since then Mark has showed strong interest in me and I noticed him starring at me at several times during the night. I asked our friend what’s the deal with Mark and that I think he’s interested in me but my friend just dismissed it as said he’s just a flirt. At the end of the night, Mark asked for my number.
We spoke mostly by text for the couple days and things were “normal” getting-to-know you type talk. We talked about our likes and dislikes along with possible date activities. Mark invited me to another party of his the following Saturday and told me that I could come for free. After the 4th day of texting back and forth, we began speaking by telephone.
So I came to the Mark’s party the following Saturday and brought another friend. I noticed that Mark was very “touchy-feely” with me and was making all sorts of flirty comments about my breast, legs, and overall appearance. Mark was constantly checking on us and was always in my face making sexually suggestive comments. My friend thought we had been dating for a while based on his behavior but when I told her that we had not gone out on a date yet, my friend got very upset and approached Mark and demanded that he take me out on a date.
Mark was shocked and stated that he did not have a problem taking me out on a date it just that he didn’t know that I liked him like that so he didn’t ask. He also asked my friend if I was treating and I took offense to that. Mark responded by saying it was a joke and laughed it off. Sometime later, my friend and I left the party but not before saying goodbye to Mark. Mark gave me a big hug and kissed me on both cheeks and invited me to his next party the following week.
Mark and I spoke the following morning and I apologized for my friend’s rant. Mark stated that he didn’t mind taking me out on a date and proceeded to invite me to an outing that evening. I couldn’t make the outing due to work obligations and he said that was okay although he did sound a little frustrated. The conversation was pleasant otherwise and Mark continued to make plans for our first date sometime in the future. Mark then had to get off the phone and he promised to call me back later.
Mark didn’t call back but he did post to his Facebook page pictures from the last party we attended and I was the most photographed girl at Mark’s party. He tagged me in these pictures and all my friends and family thought Mark was my new boyfriend based on how close we were and how we looked in these pictures.
Later that day, my friend that I brought with me to the party told me that she friend requested Mark on Facebook and that Mark and her began to message each other. My friend read the message chain to me and my friend asked Mark again to take me out on a date since he was showing such strong interest in me. Mark replied that he would take me out if I first took him. He also said that “chivalry is dead…” My friend again told Mark to take me out on a date and she assured him that I would have a good time. She also asked him to follow-up with her and to tell her how the date went.
I was outraged at both my friend and Mark. I was upset that my friend would meddle so much in my personal life and her follow-up request to Mark gave me great pause. Furthermore, Mark’s comment about taking him out first was very disturbing and was contrary to our telephone conversations.
Mark’s phone calls and texts became infrequent and it seemed like Mark was distancing himself from me. However, Mark did invite me to his private birthday dinner that week but I didn’t go because I didn’t know where things stood between us.
That is until I saw Mark at another party that following Saturday. He was surprised to see me and he didn’t think I was going to come. We spoke cordially for a few minutes and then he began to compliment me on my clothing and my appearance. He then asked to hug me and he gave me a warm embrace. He told me that the party was for a relative’s birthday and I told Mark that I wanted to keep my distance from him since his child’s mother would be there.
Mark assured me that everything was fine and he took me by the hand and introduced me to some of his relatives. He had already told them about me and it seemed like they already knew me. For the rest of the night, I hung out with my friend on the other side of the dance floor and Mark continuously walked across the crowded dance floor to spend time with me. We spoke about “normal” things but this time Mark took his touchy-feely behavior to another level. Along with the usually flirtation comments about my breast, Mark began to hold and caress me in front of everyone – even touching body parts that, let’s say, are usually touched by someone’s partner in private.
He told me that he wanted to go back to my place but he then changed his mind and said it was too far. Next, Mark went to my friend and told her that we were going to drop her off early and, since it was the holiday weekend, he would bring me back to work on Tuesday. But when I asked Mark if he was sure of all this, Mark stated that he would never ask me to drop my friend off early.
Mark then began to tell me how he just started his new job next month and about how he had to sell his cars to make ends meet because he had been unemployed for a year…. Mark stated that he usually doesn’t have trouble finding a job but he became lazy in his job search so it took longer than usual to land this job. I told Mark that I do not like lazy men and he assured me that he was not lazy – just tired…After that, Mark resumed his touchy-feely dance routine as usual.
At the end of the night, Mark said goodbye and we gave each other a romantic hug. Mark also invited me to his next party this Saturday. I told Mark I would try to make it and that hoped to see him soon and he agreed that we would. Mark never contacted me after that.
Three days later he posted pictures from the party on his Facebook page, including the pictures we took together. Everyone really started to believe we were a couple based on these pictures again but actually we are not. I texted Mark that night and told him that the pictures were nice as usual. He only replied “Thanks” and I haven’t heard from Mark since.
Is Mark stringing me along and acting like a male tease? What would make Mark suddenly change like that? |Age: 33
Mark didn’t suddenly change. He was never interested in the first place. He’s a party/club promoter. Part of his job is making sure attractive women attend his parties. That way he can take pictures of them and post them on his Facebook page so people will want to come to his events. He’s also a raging attention whore, another trait of party promoters. Being the “host” of a party makes you the center of attention, the most important person in the room.
This guy is not genuine. He’s not even a player. He’s just some dude trying to make money by promoting parties. He’s not relationship material whatsoever. Think about it. He spends countless hours in clubs and bars flirting with women so they will come to his parties. I guarantee you that at any given time he’s using the same schtick with multiple ladies. I also wouldn’t be surprised if he was some kind of deadbeat looking to leech off some unsuspecting, vulnerable woman.
You saw through him, whether you’re aware of it or not. When you made it clear that you don’t like lazy men, he fled. The game is only fun when the object of someone’s manipulations doesn’t realize it’s a game. This guy is lazy in that he doesn’t want to have to work too hard at convincing people he’s sincere. The goal for him is to make as little effort as possible and reap all the benefits.
He even managed to rope your friend in to his web by getting her all worked up. What’s up with her friend requesting him on FB, by the way? And why is she so concerned about whether or not this guy has asked you out? This guy is a master manipulator, a Svengali. He makes women think whatever it is he wants them to think. He knows what he’s doing. This isn’t some guy who just genuinely isn’t aware of how his behavior affects others. No. This guy is VERY aware. And clearly very successful at these head games.Look at how he has you and your friend showering him with attention and analyzing his every word and action. These types of people are dangerous to one’s emotional and mental well being. They want to be the center of attention, the focal point of someone’s life. They thrive off the idea that thoughts of them consume people. He is not an enigma. He’s just your garden variety douche. The life he presents to you is not his real life. It’s an act.
Ignore him. Do not engage. This guy has already gotten in to your head. Get him out now before he does real damage.
Pronouns are your friend.
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I apologize but I hurriedly typed this post late last night.
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While I agree that this guy is probably just a promoter douche who is fake flirting with you to get you to up the women count at his parties…
Your friend’s behavior was ridiculous. And it would have scared off any normal guy.
So on the 1 in a million chance this guy was genuine and not a promoter douche…your friend ruined it for you.
So the question is…was she doing that because she knew he was a douche and was trying to rush the ending of it, or was she being a sabotoging hater?
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I can’t tell if my friend was trying to end it quickly or if she was hating….She’s never done anything like this before and I guess the jury is still out.
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Yep, he’s a promoter douche. I would avoid his parties for a good long while and do my best to forget about him. Let him start his new job, forget about all your friend has done to muddy the waters, and do his thing.
If you run into him in six months, he’ll probably have forgotten most of what happened. Then, if he was in the least bit serious, he’ll start things up again and you can decide then whether he’s worth it. And if not (which would be my bet), then it’ll be awkward, he’ll make some lame excuse for never getting in touch, and you’ll know.
His behavior reminds me of a good friend, who is an inveterate flirt who has been unemployed/underemployed for a long time. He’s Mr. Life of the Party, but he has no money to actually date anyone, and has such low self-esteem resulting from his situation that he’s not capable of a relationship. So he’s fine as long as he can flit from woman to woman, but if any of them appear to want more than that, he ends it right there. He can’t let anyone get close enough to see the failure he thinks he is, basically. (He says he’s capable of a relationship once he’s situated again, but it’s been so long, I don’t think he really knows how any more, if he ever did.)
So the going on a date thing, plus the lazy guy comment, could have triggered all of that kind of stuff for Mark. Or, he’s just a promoter douche.
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I would second Moxie’s comments.
I would add that this guy totally comes off as not interested in women. While it would appear from his overly sexual comments and flirtiness with women that he is straight, my reading of this is that he is clearly overcompensating for something and I believe he is overcompensating for the fact that he is not interested in women sexually. Insofar as his job as a club promoter entails promotion of presumably primarily heterosexual club/party dates he must “appear” straight; as he probably isn’t, he acts and overcompensates in a way that may fool some people but doesn’t fool everyone.
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I thought the EXACT same thing. Total gay vibe here.
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Yeah his sexual orientation definitely crossed my mind, especially at party #3 where we were dancing closely. I’ll try to keep this as clean as possible but, normally, when two consensual adults are dancing that closely and both adults are really into each other, normally a woman would “feel” something down there…..I didn’t “feel” anything down there from Mark and that struck me as being very odd. This didn’t add up with the sounds of pleasure coming out of his mouth.
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I was a little nervous while I read this story, because I thought it was going to end in her telling you she was raped. Maybe I’m a little too private with affection, but I don’t approve of any man touching me until I am comfortable and ready, and that goes for hand-holding and embraces. The hugs and frequent parties made me think the OP was about 18, until you mentioned he’s a party promoter. The flirtatious behavior makes sense, but not the groping. Honestly, if you were uncomfortable with it, the groping and the friend who keeps pushing you in his face, you should confront them together. You seem to like him, but he seems very creepy to me. He takes without asking. Do you really want to be involved with a man like that?
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I’m not picking up the gay vibe, but I’m totally skeeved out by this guy. The question is, why isn’t the OP skeeved out too?
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Exactly! I can’t believe the op even wanted a date.
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Love I met a guy there very much like that…such a prick.. Just get him out of your head & move on..He was and never be worth the time you give him.
Why do they change? I think they never did they had one thing in mind already.
That like to boost the ego so to speak! The more girls they have on FB the better they think they look! That’s just my opinion!!!!!!!!!!!
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In the beginning of your letter you write about a mutual friend of both you and Mark brushing off a comment Mark made to you, and also saying that he’s just a flirt. Did you ever discuss her comments with her? She was telling you what you needed to know then. I’m suprised her comments didn’t register with you that there’s history there either with her directly or with other women. She handed you his M.O. and you didn’t question her then, or at any other time?
She was spot on, apparently. Do you not trust her or her instincts? Did you not want to know if there was an element of truth? I’m suprised you didn’t just ask her with regards to a good gossip story at the very least. It’s like you didn’t want to know the truth then.
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Trish I always had my mutual friend’s warning in the back of my mind but to be honest with you, I didn’t know who to believe; the mutual friend or Mark. Now that 3 weeks has passed and so much as transpired, it appears that the mutual friend was right.
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I’m wondering why you would even want to date someone who basically molests you in public? From the beginning of your letter I was really creeped out by this guy. I’ve been around party promoters and while they are very flirty, none have ever molested me. A guy who is interested in dating you is not going to act like that in the beginning.
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Seems to me like the OP’s friend was calling Mark out. You like her? Ask her out. You aren’t asking her out? Then what’s the deal.
Yeesh OP you are 33 and you’re seeing a guy who blatantly makes sexual comments and puts forth no effort into getting to know you outside of inviting you to the next party as a prospect. Girls at 16 learn this lesson quickly that these guys are not to be taken seriously.
He makes rude gestures; you get all happy he posts pictures of you on Facebook (need validation much?) and he acts like a total flake and you still try to give the benefit of the doubt. The reason Mark seemed frustrated when you couldn’t go out is because he was probably trying to hit it and quit it as soon as possible but by you not being able to go out on the date he lost his momentum and stopped caring about hitting it and left it to mild flirting at parties.
Try to find prospects outside of the party scene unless who you are seen with (and who posts pretty pictures of you on Facebook) is by far more important then actually connecting with someone.
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Remember that post on Narcissists?
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I cosign on Saj’s post. I find it baffling that the OP saw this guy as a prospect after he made the cruse comment about her breasts. Indeed, most teenagers would have dismissed him right then and there. But then later in the story he physically manhandles her at a party, and she’s still interested? Good grief.
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I never saw Mark as a serious dating option. Right now I’m just dating and, well, I guess we clicked in the beginning but that’s before Mark’s touch-feely behavior kicked into full force at the 2nd party.
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What exactly “clicked” for you early on? When he said “Nice tits” upon meeting you?
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I’m sorry, but this whole saga is very convoluted and confusing. I had a hard time following what was going on until I read it a few times.
If a man likes a woman and wants to date her, he makes a move. Period. And, her friend was meddlesome, jealous and either trying to sabotage her or butting in because she doesn’t have her own life and/or anything better to do.
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“I had a hard time following what was going on until I read it a few times.” I’ve decided that’s a sign there is way too much drama and I don’t want to understand it.
“If a man likes a woman and wants to date her, he makes a move. Period.” Not that it applies in this particular case, but there are men who are too shy to make a move, too scared of being rejected, or so used to rejection they just don’t try anymore. The more interested in the woman he is, the more likely these problems are to appear.
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@Crotch: Yes, I agree that there are shy men, but Mark doesn’t seem to be one of them. He asked the OP to come to his parties several times, commented on her breasts and was touchy-feely towards her, so shy definitely doesn’t apply in this case!
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No I think it was when we started talking to each other during the time after the New Year’s Eve party and Party #2. Besides, our mutual friend said it was a joke so I wasn’t offended by that comment.
By the way, I first met Mark about an hour before that tit comment was made on New Year’s Eve. My name was not on the guest list for the party and I had to speak to Mark to get everything squared away. That was our initial meeting and he was very helpful and polite. But that’s neither here nor there now…He’s a male tease and that’s all I need to know right now.
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Not here nor there? He’s male tease and that’s all you need to know? In that case we’ll all wait for your next letter. I suspect it will be a doozy.
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Omg I couldn’t even read this entire letter from the op. Seriously, after that first party she should have been done.
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I had to scroll to see the age, I thought it would be from someone about 23yo… yikes!
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While reading this, I was hoping/praying that the OP was some 20 year old college girl. ANY party promoter is probably bad news from the gate. Add to that the sexual comments and touchy/feely…and you were ready to take him serious with that? Maybe your friend did meddle in your business, but it was obviously for good reason.
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As I said before, I never intended on having a serious relationship with Mark but there was/is some attraction between us. I considered Mark for a causal dinner/fling but nothing more.
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Sorry, but I smell BS on that comment. You said numerous times how ‘all my friends and family thought Mark was my new boyfriend’ based on the facebook pics, and how you ended with a ‘romantic hug’. Seems to me that is what you ultimately wanted and you are now backtracking because everyone is pointing out the guy is an idiot and you were an idiot going along with it. If you only wanted a casual fling to come out of this, then why the hell do you care enough to write this big long letter? Why would it matter if he is employed or not?
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Sorry, Elle, but I agree with Kegs. Why go through the rigmarole of he has to ask me out biz? The NSA is supposed to strip the complexities of dating such as pride, emotions, and rules. He doesn’t have to call you to chat or take you out on a date.
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Lets just call this a lesson learned. No more party promoter guys, and I believe Maya Angelou said it best: “When a man tells you who he is…believe him.” He was telling you who he was from the gate, starting with the breast comments.
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Color me curious, but Elle – why are you still even responding?!?!? This was NOT the end of a long, drawn out relationship here or the end of a great love. Heck – this isn’t even a relationship – this should just be a funny dating story. Learn from it and move on. You wanted feedback, you got it. The fact that it isn’t what you necessarily wanted to hear does not make the advice given any less valid.
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Why is a party promoter bad news from the gate? Now we are eliminating men because of their job? I know some party promoters that make a lot of money – more than me, certainly- and are very good guys.
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Most of them are not especially endowed with sincerity, as their events are successful when lots of beautiful women attend. The more women they can keep hanging, the more who are continually angling to be seen and have their photos taken at the promoter’s events.
Obviously, not all of them are that way: I’m sure there are good promoters, like good car salespeople, and good lawyers (to pick on my own profession for a moment). But when success may depend on being a douchebag, douchebags, especially those who are between jobs, are going to flock there.
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There seems to be a high percentage of attorneys that comment on this blog. People make fun of our profession all the time, but for the most part most of the attorneys I know outside of work are good honest people.
From my experience, the party promoters want to through a good party. This is not something that they hide. They befriend people so that more will come, but that doesn’t mean they are insincere. Usually they have very social personalities to begin with. I’m sure there are douchebag promoters out there, but I think every individual should be taken for their own person and not discounted simply because they do a certain job.
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I’m going to guess that you didn’t read the letter and are simply gleaning parts of it from what you’ve read from the commenter. She wrote, “Along with the usually flirtation comments about my breast, Mark began to hold and caress me in front of everyone – even touching body parts that, let’s say, are usually touched by someone’s partner in private.” If she felt this way and didn’t say anything, that’s what I find most alarming. Also, as “friendly” and “flirtatious” he has to be as part of his job, he is most certainly taking liberty with the position he has. Maybe the OP was afraid to speak up, but she was clearly uncomfortable with it, or she wouldn’t have kept mentioning it in the letter.
There are certain realities we have to accept when we choose professions, and some of them require us to be more friendlier than others. From the way she tells it, it was unwarranted.
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I’m going to guess that you didn’t read the letter and are simply gleaning parts of it from what you’ve read from the commenter
and you would be wrong. What you are saying is why THIS party promoter may be bad news….not why ALL party promoters are bad news. I think you didn’t follow this last bit of discussion that you responded to. (hey, if you are going to make assumptions about me, i guess i can do the same about you.)
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I never said anything about party promoters being bad news. Assume away, it doesn’t bother me.
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you replied to a part of the thread discussion which was discussing loveliee’s assertion that all party promoters were bad news.
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And? You were discussing the profession and I replied because I said it’s not about the profession. It wasn’t interpreted as friendly in my opinion. I thought it was pervy. My opinion.
I know you want to be right, but I never alluded to a profession dictating someone’s personality. I wrote that while he has to be friendly in this position, he doesn’t have to touch her private parts in public.
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You’re right, they aren’t all bad guys. But to me, they go in the same boat as a bartender does. Sure, they may very well be hot, but part of their job includes flirting and the like. Not something that everybody is comfortable with…
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Please let it go. You’ve stated your opinion multiple times now. Thanks.
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as an attorney and a stubborn person in general what you are asking me to do is very much against my nature, but ok
.
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It’s a really, really, really good tip off that a guy sees you ONLY in a sexual context when the majority of his comments to you are about your breasts or body. If a guy brings up sex talk with you, before you’ve even gone on a date, he’s not a respectable guy who’s looking to date you. He’s feeling you out verbally to see how easy it would be to have sex with you.
The message you sent him was that it would be extremely easy, and it wouldn’t require much effort on his part…which is exactly why he didn’t make any.
Guys don’t treat women that they respect (and don’t know very well–but want to get to know on an emotional level) like that.
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@Kegs: No one called me an idiot here because no one has the right to verbally insult me like that….Including you. Yeah everyone said we looked like a couple in those pics but that doesn’t mean that’s what I wanted. And dimplz I didn’t ask about his job but I’m glad he told me anyway. I want him to at least be able to pay his half if we ever went on a casual date.
I’m not sure who made the comment about the romantic hugs but that was my attempt to explain to everyone that these hugs weren’t the type of hugs friends would give to each other.
I don’t need anyone to validate my choice of men…My questions are very direct here. I just wanted to know why didn’t he follow through and is he a male tease.
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“I don’t need anyone to validate my choice of men…My questions are very direct here. I just wanted to know why didn’t he follow through and is he a male tease.”
And what everyone is pointing out to you is that you shouldn’t care what his motivations were if, as you claim, you never thought of him as relationship material. What they’re questioning is your own self-awareness and honesty. I understand the need to figure these men out. BELIEVE ME. But if you were as self-confident as you say you are, this guy never would have gotten in to your head in the first place.
“I want him to at least be able to pay his half if we ever went on a casual date. ”
And here you start off your thought in the present tense. You didn’t say “I wanted him to…” you said “I want him to…” which means you’re still, on some level, considering this guy as an option.
He is not an option. He is not interested in you. He is a pathological attention seeker, and he saw you as vulnerable. You need to figure out why men such as this pick you, and you pick them. Trust me. I’ve been (very recently and still am somewhat) in your shoes. You need to re-build your self-esteem so that men like this stand no chance with you.
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@Trouble: Okay that’s a fair assessment of the situation but, if all Mark really wanted was the sex, they why didn’t he take me home with him after party #3? Remember he told my friend that we were going to drop her off early and do just that.
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(facepalm) Probably because he *found a better option* five minutes later, so he just cancelled you. I was confused by your wording, but was he put off because your place was ‘too far?’ Sounds like he is essentially ranking you based on proximity. That is where you fall on this guy’s radar. So maybe a few minutes later he found another option that was 10 miles closer. Or he lost interest altogether.
I’m actually confused by all of this: “He told me that he wanted to go back to my place but he then changed his mind and said it was too far. Next, Mark went to my friend and told her that we were going to drop her off early and, since it was the holiday weekend, he would bring me back to work on Tuesday. ” So you were going to go home with some guy that had just been groping your privates in a public party, whom you had never been in a one-on-one scenario with? For an entire holiday weekend? I’m so confused.
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@Loveliee: Actually we. meaning my mutual firend and I, were not offended by Mark’s initials breast comments and we just laughed it off as Mark being a boob guy and dismissed it as a joke. But seriously, almost all men who approach a women wants to have sex with her and are attracted to her female anatomy. If a guy was not attracted to female body parts, he probably would not be attracted to women.
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Tried and true. When a man is attracted to a woman and wants to have sex with her, he should lead with a comment like “your tits are hot and your ass is bangin.’ Otherwise she’ll never know he is interested, and might be confused into thinking he wants to do her taxes.
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And excuse the errors in my replies…I’m posting from my mobile phone.
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And someone commented that Mark resorted to party promoting while in between jobs. This is not true since Mark and our mutual friend has been promoting parties together for the last 10 years or so.
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An illusionist, a Svengali, a master manipulator, a first-class douche, a flirt, a party-promoter extraordinaire, a bad boyfriend, a flake, a loser, a lazy freeloader, a deadbeat, a closet homosexual, a not-so-closet homosexual, a Narcissist, a pervert, a boob man, an ass man, a “male tease”… in a word? MARK.
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@Elle, I hate to keep feeding the beast and keep you in the “let’s spam the comments” mode…but if Mark is not between jobs, then why did you say this?
>>>Mark then began to tell me how he just started his new job next month and about how he had to sell his cars to make ends meet because he had been unemployed for a year….
He may have been party promoting for a long time, but if party promoting is his only source of income (which it sounds like it was for at least a year) then he is party promoting between jobs. Hopefully, someone who does it to make their primary living is going to act more professionally and treat it more seriously than someone who dabbles when they have to, or treats it as something on the side of a real job.
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@DrivingMeNuts: Thank you I really needed to read that!
I just had a date (yes – a date) with another guy who was prompt, courteous, generous, and kind. We scheduled the date this afternoon and quiet effortlessly I might add! This new guy is very smart and I really like his mind. I’m not physically attracted to him though and Mark is still way hotter than this new guy.
Unfortunately, the new guy is creepy too! You see, we had dinner and drinks downstairs from his office and he kept trying different tactics to get me to come upstairs with him after hours to get his “file”…And when that didn’t work, he tried to get me to come back to his place a few blocks away…See, this new guy is a closet douchbag while Mark is an overt one. They’re both douchbags, just different packaging.
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Hold Up.
You guys made plans for Friday night on Friday afternoon? First red flag that this guy had moderate interest at best. Then he makes you come to him, and he can’t even be bothered to take you out somewhere that would require him to leave his building. Red flag number 2. When a guy makes you travel to him, and doesn’t even try to meet you half way, RED FLAG.
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I’d worry about your inability to spot the douchebag in the brush before accepting a date. Maybe it’s the way you dress or carry yourself that is a magnent for these guys. Or non douchebags or those guys you see as “boring”
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I disagree. Some of the best judges of character get duped. This story doesn’t reveal enough to show how she presents herself.
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Completely agree with Saj here, there is plenty of information revealed here to strongly imply she is presenting herself in a way that attracts these types of men. The main one being that this wasn’t a one-off thing, date with man #2 resulted in similar issues. If a pattern starts to emerge in what you attract, there comes a time you need to look at yourself to see what is going wrong.
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I said that because party promoting is his side job. He lost his full-time job about a year ago and he just started a new one last month. I understand what you’re saying that party promoting was his only job during his period of unemployment and, therefore, Mark should have treated it more seriously. I’m not saying that Mark does not treat his party promoting job seriously (remember we just met about a month ago) but yes I agree his behavior especially at party #3 was unprofessional.
But note that Mark did not promote party #3; the last event in which his flirtatious behavior when into overdrive. This was a birthday party for a family friend at a public venue and Mark was an invited guest. His personal friends and family were in attendance along with hundreds of other club goers. He invited me to this event and told me that I could bring a friend if I wanted to or I could come alone. I was the only guest Mark invited to this event.
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No this new guy has been asking me out for a week now and I told him I’ll call him back and let him know my schedule. I finally got around to calling him back yesterday afternoon and I told him that I’m free yesterday evening or sometime next week. He selected yesterday evening and I told him to pick a spot that was convenient to both of us in the City and he choose that spot in his building. I didn’t know his office was right upstairs until he tried to pull a fast one and get me to come up there with him after hours.
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how was he pulling a fast one?
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The new guy was pulling a fast one because he kept trying to bring me back to his office after hours to get a file he supposedly forgot upstairs. He asked me 3 times during the date if I would come upstairs with him and each time I said no. I even told him to just go upstairs himself and get the file while I wait downstairs in the restaurant. The new guy didn’t want to do that. Furthermore, at the end of the night while he was walking me to my bus stop, he made a detour back into his office building (the restaurant was at the side entrance), and insisted that I follow him up to his office to retrieve his file. I declined and waiting in the lobby with the guard while the guy went upstairs to get his file.
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Yeah I guess it would be easier to blame their bad behavior on me . . . . .
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Well you could continue to go through life confused on why the same things keep happening to you over and over again and blame it on god having it out for you. It’s probably easier for you then figuring out how to shut down bad behaivor as it happens instead of being a passive victim.
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I keep responding because people are still asking questions and, quite frankly, because I want to…You’re more than welcome to unsubscribe from this thread if you do not wish to read anymore comments.
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I think that’s a little extreme…I was confused about Mark because he was sending mixed messages. I’m not confused about every man I’ve dated and I shut the new guy down immediately after he started showing signs that he was a douchbag. People don’t always reveal themselves to you right away. Furthermore, I cannot control nor be responsible for someone else’s actions.
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Okay…
Enough.
Mark wasn’t sending mixed messages. Mark was a blatant skeevy deadbeat. There isn’t one person ho has read this letter and not commented on how egregiously douchey this guy was. That you saw his behavior as mixed messages says more about you than it does about him. And I call major challenge on your claim that you “shut down” the other malignant asshat that you went out with Friday night. You said:
“I just had a date (yes – a date) with another guy who was prompt, courteous, generous, and kind. We scheduled the date this afternoon and quiet effortlessly I might add! This new guy is very smart and I really like his mind. I’m not physically attracted to him though and Mark is still way hotter than this new guy.”
You are speaking of this guy that you claimed to “shut down” in the present tense. I have no doubt that if he asked you out again, you’d likely say yes. You’re saying you get it, you know, you see. But you don’t. I;m not accusing you of lying to us. Just yourself.
What all of this boils down to is that you are attracted to these men, for whatever reason. You’ve written in before with almost identical questions. And again, when someone takes the time to point out to you that you are making yourself available to the wrong kind of guys, you have a retort or explanation for everything. The one thing you’re not – in ANY of your comments – doing is accepting responsibility. You are the ONLY common denominator.
Nobody likes the idea that they were duped. We like to think we’re smarter, wiser, more experienced than that. I also understand how hard it is to just sack up and say, “Gee. I really have some shit to work out.” But until you are ready and capable fo doing that, you will continue to involve yourself with these men.
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Thank you Moxie!
I can’t believe she thinks she ‘shut the new guy down immediately’ at first signs of douchebaggery.
Handy Guide to Douchebag Signs:
1 – he scheduled a same day date (you get a pass on this one, it’s subtle)
2 – you asked him to pick a mutually convenient location, he picked his office building (you get another pass, you didn’t realize until you got there)
2 – he ‘kept trying different tactics’ to get you to come up to his office, despite your resistance, THREE TIMES (fail, fail, fail)
3 – he apparently thinks putting the moves on a stranger in his place of employment is reasonable (fail)
4 – when that didn’t work, he tried to get you to go back to his place a few blocks away (fail)
5 – under the pretense of ‘walking you to the bus stop’, he rerouted you back to his office (were you blindfolded?) and *insisted* you go upstairs, after you had told him no three times and were obviously resistant (fail, fail)
AND YOU WAITED IN THE LOBBY for him to return. *With* the guard. Tell me, why did you add that you waited with the guard?
Because he was so obviously a creep? Were you a tiny bit concerned for your well being at that point? God I hope so.
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“I just had a date (yes – a date) with another guy who was prompt, courteous, generous, and kind. We scheduled the date this afternoon and quiet effortlessly I might add! This new guy is very smart and I really like his mind. I’m not physically attracted to him though and Mark is still way hotter than this new guy.”
Okay you can interpret this any way you please…Yes the tense is approrpiate at the time this comment was written. I “had a date” with the new guy. He “was” prompt, courteous, generous, and kind” until he tried to pull a fast one. He still is very smart and I like his mind but he’s a douchbag so he’s now shut down, meaning I’m not going on another date with him. That’s it.
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Elle,
the best way to use this website is for us to learn about relationship, you don’t have to implement all the advises people give here, but at least you should bring something positive to improve yourself in dating world and relationships with men. Start by also analyzing yourself and not just the men you were/are dating. I agree with Vox, you should take a break from dating. Trust me, it’s for your own good, I’ve done it and it brings to much healthier way of thinking.
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Elle, do yourself a favor and stop dating immediately. I’m not kidding. There is something wrong with you emotionally because no one can be this dense. I’m guessing you wouldn’t be able to spot a violent predator either. You’re too damn desperate to make a relationship happen, and as a result you put up with far too much. Take a long break from dating. A very long break.
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If you can’t say anything without resorting to insults, don’t post comments. Seriously, this goes for everybody. You want to disagree, fine. But the snarky, smarmy comments aren’t helping the OP and really don’t add any value to the comments. Enough with the bang drumming and repetitive nit picking. Stop with the antagonistic crap and trying to get people in to flame wars. It’s fucking tedious.
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And the guys who want to date her keep these views to themselves. Are you so attention-starved that you will take anything you can get?
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Oops. Sorry, Moxie.
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