Wondering what you and your readers will have to say about this. I’ve had 3 dates with a woman. On the 2nd date we had sex. A couple of weeks later (she was out of town for a week) she said she wanted to go back to not having sex. She’s a great girl and the last time we saw each other (our 3rd date) we didn’t have sex. I went over to her place to watch a movie. The conversation about sex came up and she said something like, “I don’t want this to just be about sex.” I said, “I completely understand, but want you to know it’s not.” Time went by and we almost started messing around and she said, “I don’t want this to lead to sex tonight” and it completely killed the mood. When the conversation came up I reminded her that I’ve tried to do things outside of my apartment and hers, but schedule conflicts seem to prevent that from happening thus far.
I was trying to be very cool about the situation and said something about hanging out the next day. She then said, “Well, I won’t know until later tomorrow.” As we continued talking I said, “You have to understand where I’m coming from. You canceled plans last night, and here I am trying to make plans with you (outside of our apartments) and you’re asking me to keep my schedule open for that day… with no clue if you are going to be free or not.”
The situation was rather frustrating. She’s not a shady girl at all, but I don’t think she understood how things were coming off. Also, I asked her to a movie last night, and she’s the one that suggested I come to her place.
We talked for a bit longer, but I eventually ended up leaving shortly after. I tried to explain that boundaries like that are very limiting and seem problematic from a chemistry standpoint.
In my mind I thought she would have been game since we hadn’t seen each other in a week or so… but it most certainly didn’t feel that way. – Greg, 34, Boston
She’s not a shady girl at all,
That’s your first mistake.
She is shady. Shady meaning either she’s unaware of why she’s doing what she’s doing (which will lead to a looooot of disagreements) or she’s well aware of what she’s doing and being manipulative. You’re seeing what you want to see and over looking big, giant red flags. You’re torn. You want to give her the benefit of the doubt. But something inside you won’t let you fully commit to that intention. LISTEN TO THAT VOICE!! If you tell her you’re not just in it for sex, and she trusts you, then why not just have sex? If she can take you at your word, then why the hesitancy? Here’s why: she either doesn’t believe you (and good luck convincing her) or..she just likes watching you squirm.
Sorry, but nobody over the age of 25 should invite someone over to their apartment unless they plan on having sex. Period. She’s doing the whole “omigod , I’m not that kind of girl who screws guys on the second date.” Honey, we’re all that type of girl at some time or another. I’d say 80% of men, when their date has sex with them on the first or second date, are so relieved at the lack of game playing that they can’t be bothered to wonder with how many other men you’ve done this. If the man likes you, the sex isn’t going to change that. Where these types of men get concerned, as DMN once mentioned recently, is if the woman acts too detached or too casual about sex or talks about sex in a way that devalues or objectifies her lovers.( This is why so many dating bloggers find themselves on the receiving end of The Fade more times than they can count, BTW. If you write about your dates/lovers as plot devices or props instead of people, you can expect guys to not call you back.)
She’s testing you to see if you’re genuinely interested in her. She’s making you jump through hoops so you can prove to her that you really like her and not just interested in having sex with her.
It won’t stop here. It will be an endless series of tests. People who behave this way always end up being way too much work.
This woman is not emotionally healthy. People whose behavior is inconsistent like this – that’s a warning that something is off. These sorts of people – men and women – can do a lot of damage if you don’t take control of the situation right away.
If you want to continue seeing her, you have to make it clear to her that you feel this taking two steps back thing isn’t a productive move. Not because you want to have sex but because you feel it’s manipulative. You have to stand your ground here. She honestly might not even be aware that she’s doing it. If you point it out to her and say that your intentions are honest, hopefully she’ll feel more comfortable. But if that roller coaster starts again and you feel like she’s picking fights (bad sign!!!) then you have to grab your balls and leave. You will not change her. She might never change. You’re not about to play Henry Higgins.