Name: Stacey | | Location: New York , NY |Question: Hi Moxie,
I need your advice. I met this guy at a party about six weeks ago and was smitten by his charm, his looks. At the end of our conversation he offered me his phone number and told me to call him some time. I did call, two weeks later, right before Christmas. He told me he was planning on going to Germany for the holidays and through New Year’s but he could see me the night before he left. We met up and had a wonderful date- we had drinks and then I had been planning on going to a friend’s party and he insisted on coming along, not wanting the date to end. I felt amazing chemistry towards him and our good night kiss outside my apartment was very passionate. He was away for two weeks and called me two days after he returned. I happened to be moving to a new apartment that weekend and he offered to help me move. He was great-carried everything heavy, was very patient. My family was helping me too- and he was very nice to them, and we all had dinner together. After the move, he has been calling me daily, emailing, he said he wanted to meet more of my friends, and we had another great date. He wanted to make the relationship more physical, but I told him that I wasn’t ready for that yet as we had only had several dates. He told me that he had just gotten out of a four year relationship in October, that he had ended because the spark had been lost, and that he was willing to wait. I was worried that another relationship might be a little soon for him but I have been really looking forward to things progressing. Yesterday, I receive this email from a woman whose name I didn’t recognize:
“I’m sorry, this is not my normal style at all, as well as it has never been my style to read other people’s e-mails. I just think you deserve this warning as I wish I had have it myself. You are right now flirting with my “boyfriend”, who, as he told me 2 days ago, is in a committed relationship with me. I live in Germany where I met him last May. We had an affair since he was still together with his old girlfriend. He told me how we would fit so much better to each other. How he was bored by her since she is “stupid”. Yet, when he returned he tried to keep the old relationship going but invited me regardless to NY. Being rather naive I didn’t see it as a flaw of character but more as pity with his old girlfriend and a sign of a good heart. After all he is charming and one would believe him a lot. We started going out officially in November. He promised me that all mess that had happened before is finally over and that from that time on he will be with me. We saw each other since then. In fact he returned from Germany 1 1/2 weeks ago, sending me his vacation schedule so we could plan our next meeting and telling me how much he misses me. I booked a flight for March. Yet some of his reactions made me suspicious as he didn’t react when I send him the flight dates. I went through a lot with him and became very sensitive to his behavior. Since he had given me a password for his computer which, as he told me freely, he uses as well for other accounts I took a step that I never thought I would take and looked in his e-mail account. And as you can imagine it shocked me, seeing what he wrote to you about half an hour after he had told me that we are in a committed relationship that my fears are just due to distance and that they will stay until we are finally together. Today he called me again and just a little later he wrote another e-mail to you. Things are over for me, I already forgave him far to much. You should of course decide yourself what you want to do. Maybe you are better off with him who knows. Just be careful and don’t be blinded by his charm. Again I’m sorry for bothering you.” I was shocked, and forwarded the message to his account without any comment. He called me last night but I didn’t pick up. What is your advice? |Age: 24
At the very least, you owe him the opportunity to explain himself. You have NO idea who’s telling the truth here. Given that this woman took it upon herself to hack into his email account for no other reason than..well, I still can’t glean what her reason is…there’s a good possibility she’s just really young and doesn’t have much relationship experience. There’s really nothing else I can say here other than to trust your own instincts, as they rarely will fail you. You just have to pay close attention to them and not let your own “stuff” get in the way of how you interpret them.
Make note of something……….she never mentions this guy by name. In a situation like this, where someone is supposedly talking about someone with whom the have a personal or intimate relationship, they’d refer to them by their first name. We’ll be sponsoring a Statement Analysis class with LifeLabsNY in April. If you live in NYC, I highly recommend you take this course. You’ll learn some great tips for deciphering and detecting deception in others.
If I’m reading her e-mail right, he was with his 4 year girlfriend until this past October. From May to October he was in some form of a “relationship” with Germany girl. But how many times did he actually see this girl? What is UP with these women who get so attached to guy whom they barely see???? He and Germany Girl “officially” started dating in November while he was still here in NYC. He saw her again in December. Right around the time he met you. And then when she sent him her flight schedule, around this time, suddenly he wasn’t as responsive? Is this all correct? Okay. This might shock a few of you but..,…..give this guy a chance. Here’s why.
This girl was not his girlfriend. That may be what she thought, but that doesn’t mean that’s what he said. You don’t know how proactive he was in inviting her to NYC to see him. He may have said in passing “you should come to NYC” and she took that and ran with it. You know what she’s telling you. That’s it. She blows her whole argument by admitting to breaking into his e-mail account. She immediately becomes suspect and less than rational. Yes, it appears he may have cheated on his girlfriend. But again, this woman’s letter doesn’t say that she and he actually crossed that physical line. Given that she lives in a whole other continent, it’s totally possible that they only struck up some kind of e-mail relationship after flirting in person. Wouldn’t be the first guy in a committed relationship to flirt via e-mail as a way to deal with an unsatisfying relationship, would he? Something is up with her letter. I think she wants you to think they’re more serious than they are or more than he’s ever admitted to her to being.
Sounds to me like once he met you, he lost interest in this girl in Germany. He either struck up some kind of flirty relationship with her via e-mail after meeting her in May, then maybe finally consummated things in November after he broke up with his NYC girlfriend, and she’s the one who thinks they are boyfriend and girlfriend when they possibly aren’t. Sure, maybe he’s letting her think whatever she wants. But this guy never took her seriously. THAT’S why she’s contacting you. She’s angry. At him and at herself. This isn’t about her wanting to “warn” you. That’s a crock. That’s an excuse women tell themselves to justify their actions and avoid asking themself why they got attached when the guy never gave them a reason to get attached to begin with. She was someone to hang out with when he was over there. She was the excuse he needed to finally get out of his relationship. Shame on her for thinking she’d be any different from his last girlfriend.
You have no idea if he ever cheated on her or his last girlfriend. You just have the accusations of a woman who hacked into someone’s e-mail account after being willing to hang around waiting for some guy in America to leave his girlfriend. She’s hardly what I’d call a solid character witness.
Hear him out. Maybe he is a cheat. In which case, you know what you have to do. But maybe he’s not.
EDITED TO ADD FEBRUARY 2011
I’ve said numerous times how much I dislike the whole contacting the other woman or girlfriend thing. The real problem I have with Germany Girl’s letter is that she expresses no remorse for engaging a man she knew was in a relationship. Listen, I’ve done it. I’ve also always been put out to pasture once the guy broke up with his girlfriend. And as much as I wanted to contact the girlfriend and tell her what this guy did and said about her, I didn’t. Mainly because my indignation was disingenuous. I had no problem with the guy’s lack of integrity when he was screwing me. So now I’m going to act all righteous and offended? Uh, no. Even if you didn’t know he had a girlfriend and found out after you and he had hooked up, it’s just not your place to play judge and jury. It’s not. There’s always some kind of collateral damage involved with these scenarios. Why cause the unsuspecting girlfriend or ex-girlfriend possible pain? She probably already knows her relationship is over, or is about to be. No need to make it worse. Nor is there a need to dredge up history post-break up, thereby opening up old wounds. Leave the woman alone, let her heal, accept the fact that you either were duped or ignored the warning signs and move on.
I know some women will say they want to know their man is or was cheating. But how many of us would believe some random stranger contacting us out of the blue? Would you really believe someone you don’t know over your partner? And do you want to risk being accused of lying and that possible fall out? Think about the big picture before you make this decision.
I’ve been on both sides of this. I met a guy online who said he was in an open relationship. We did nothing but trade emails. In fact, I told him upfront – and put it in writing – that I had no interest in him other than to write about his experiences with open relationships. I never even gave him my full name. Just first name and email. I received not one but two phone calls to my personal phone number from his girlfriend telling me they were not in an open relationship. (How she got the number I have no idea.) Maybe they were, maybe they weren’t. Either way, the fact that the woman went to some lengths to get in touch with me scared me enough to blow this guy off. Someone who would do this, make this kind of effort, is pissed off or really, really desperate to hold on to their relationship. Only fear, a need for revenge or anger could fuel such behavior.
If a woman is driven to that, then there’s a really good chance that the man is so messed up and so emotionally abusive that he’s not worth the time.
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