Why Are Men So Averse To Dating Women Their Own Age?

I don’t mean turning 40. I mean dating someone who’s 40, or almost 40. Let’s pretend for a moment that having children isn’t a factor. That’s a given. I’ve encountered a lot of men lately who are 37 to 45 or so, who don’t want kids, who still prefer to date women under 35.

Why?

Is it that we’re too rigid? Too set in our ways?  Too settled? To self-sufficient?

Too..difficult?

What is it?

Here’s my two cents:

I think a lot of it has to do with our attitudes.

A few months ago we held a speeddating event for the 35-45 age range.  We had one woman ask the host if she could “skip” one of her dates – before she had ever even spoken to the man. Of course we said no. It’s five minutes. Come on. We never get questions like this from the men. In fact, the men in this age range are more accommodating and open than the men in the 25-35 age range. Go figure. Men don’t ask us how many men are registered, or how old the women are. They just sign up and attend. It’s usually women want to know exactly what they’re getting in to before they arrive. The men just..show up and let the chips fall where they may.

I never hear my male friends, all 35-45, say that because they’re lawyers, successful media buyers, or psychoanalysts, they’re entitled to a certain type of woman. In fact, they’re often hitting on the bartenders and waitresses when we’re out for drinks. They frequently date teachers, nannies, artists. They don’t care what she makes or where she went to school. They don’t need to have stimulating conversations with them over the latest Wall Street Journal article. They have their male friends for that. My male friends don’t list the reasons why they’re “a catch.” In fact, they don’t even think of themselves in those kinds of terms. They’re financially stable, well-educated, engaging,  intelligent and attractive. But they never assume because they are those things that they should have more success with a certain caliber of female. They throw their bait in the pond and wait for someone to bite. There’s  rarely ever an immediate throw back to see what else is out there. If a woman shows interests online, they go out with her. (Within reason.) They’re not looking to date their clone or someone who matches what they believe are “valuable” traits. (The men who are like this? Yeah, they’re mostly online. Hence why they’re there in the first place. The funny part? They don’t actually want the women who do match their interests, intelligence or success. Why? Because most of those women are over 35. *shakes head*) They’re not often swept up by image or charm.

They also never complain about their luck – good or bad – with the ladies. They all date and can maintain ongoing relationships of various sorts with women. When they have a run of bad luck they shrug it off and don’t dwell on it. They just trudge forward.

They don’t write articles about the dearth of “good” women. They don’t blog about their love/sex lives. They don’t bemoan their bad dates on Twitter or Facebook. They have nothing to prove.They don’t defend they’re choice to stay single. They don’t have disclaimers or requirements beyond “Please enjoy giving head, be able to pay your bills, take good care of yourself and don’t be a pain in the ass.”

They don’t hold it against a woman if she sends them texts and doesn’t call. They don’t expect the woman to read their mind by being passive aggressive and just not replying in a timely manner. If they need something, they ask for it. They don’t see that as some kind of surrender or compromise. They don’t need women to jump through flaming hoops for them so they can be double dog sure she’s interested.

Most importantly…their expectations and standards are low to moderate. Which isn’t to say they date anyone with a pulse. No.

They just don’t need a dossier of their dates. Which, in my opinion, is just an excuse to avoid putting themselves out there.

Women are quick to say that it’s usually men that are emotionally unavailable. I think men and women “of a certain age” are neck and neck in that race.

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190 Responses to “Why Are Men So Averse To Dating Women Their Own Age?”

  1. Saj Says:

    Seems a lot of homosexual rich men want to date boy toys under 25 so it’s more then a reproductive issue.

    In our teens and 20′s it seems people are fine dating within 5 years of each other but as we get older for some reason that changes. It could be a status thing or a mid life crisis thing of hey no wait I’m not old! This young girl wants to be with me (for a shortcut to a lifestyle) so I must look younger then I am! When people who look at them laugh and think…I wonder how much cash this guy is bringing in.

    The arguments for the body being tight are there but you see men leaving their fit wives for a younger flabbier version all the time.

    The joke is really on the younger women who entertain these men who at 40 end up with an elderly man or are used as a jump off ego piece as a man tries to relive his youth. This is coming from a 20 something so it’s not about being “jealous”.

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    • Bill Says:

      Homosexual men are just like rich women overly picky and unrealistic. Watch millionaire matchmaker!@

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  2. bob Says:

    As women age they tend to be less flexible. There are exceptions but generally speaking there is almost a demand that things have to done a particular way or it is not acceptable.

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    • Eliza Says:

      Bob – again – the door swings both ways – as MEN age–they also get very set in their ways. Some people, not all – are simply like that. They get into their routines – and can’t deviate…they want familiarity. Know plenty of older men – who HAVE to eat at a particular time, or they turn into “Hulk”, and are just crabby in general. Know many older men who are just as inflexible as these so-called women you mention. Inflexibility is not exclusive to one gender.

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      • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

        Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.

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        • Eliza Says:

          wow–nasty aren’t we. I actually got a link about this stupid blog–so I chose to participate.
          Why have a F%$)*%$K,IN BLOG – if you are going to get all bent out of shape – over people commenting!!!!!

          So DAMN NASTY!

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        • Eliza Says:

          WHAT SO REPETITIVE! Commenting how both genders get stuck in their ways.

          Ghosts?

          You need multiple drinks.

          Freakin hag. Geez. Attitude adjustment needed with you.
          \

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    • JJ Says:

      Really? I find the opposite to be true of myself and my female friends. In the beginning I definitely held on to the idea of the “perfect” man, but as I grow older and have more experiences with people (overall, not just dating), I find that I’m a lot more flexible. I don’t give up on standards, I still look for quality men. But how I define quality has definitely expanded over time as I’ve become more and more exposed to the plethora of personalities. But then again I can see what you mean about people becoming more rigid with living a certain way.

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  3. Vox Says:

    Because younger women are generally more attractive than middle-aged women. (I say the same of men – compare the body of an average 25 year old male to an average 40 year old male!) Better bodies, cuter faces. Men who view looks as an extremely important quality will go younger if he can. The ones who do so seem to be better looking or more affluent than average, so it’s no surprise why it irks us so much.

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    • MiddleAgedSingle Says:

      Younger men are more attractive than middle aged men, too. Most 23-24 year old men don’t have beer guts the size of Texas. What kills me is those middle age men who think it’s their Divine right to have a young supermodel looking woman on their arm. Even the supermodels laugh at ‘em lol Don’t believe me, just read Janice Dickinsons book check please. She gets downright MEOW about fat short middle aged men lol

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  4. Jay_D2 Says:

    If you’re 37 to 45 and high energy/youthful outlook (& no, not all guys are), it’s another reason to look for younger. I can’t tell you how many women I know over 30 that have lost all their adventurous spirit. Maybe they over-partied in their 20′s.

    Also, as women age, they start looking more masculine/losing some of the facial characteristics that make them different from men. For some women, that shows by their late 30′s and into their 40′s. And guys are going to be attracted to femininity.

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  5. pistola Says:

    Ego, mostly.

    I don’t see guys my age being able to hang on to attractive women in their 30s even if they manage to snag one for a while. The younger ones always move on to someone their own age. They consider guys my age (40+) to be “fun to date but not someone to commit to.” Many guys my age think of themselves as being younger. But they’re not, as you pointed out many times on the old blog. And the younger women are fully aware of it.

    I have to admit, I find it funny to see the fallout. Payback’s a bitch.

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    • TOm Says:

      What are you talking about. A women’t SMV declines after 30 and starts to approach warp speed right when the hit the wall. A man in in 40s has yet to reach SMV peak and is now fully established, perhaps succesfull and if he takes care of himself can get younger women his age all day long. The pay back is a bitch is when women in their 20s pass up good men,party,then the c*ck carrousel only to see dwindling supply. The “I can have it all’s, career women who want to be like us, when still in the marketplace in their 30s, suddenly face “where are all the good men at” attidude.

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      • Trist Says:

        Nope. I know a few young women who have dated men in their 40s just out of curiosity and then broken up with them when they found a younger, hotter stud their own age. They just did it to try it out, but they often talk about how gross it was having sex with some 40 year old. Men in their 40s are not at their peak. That’s a lie.

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        • Eliza Says:

          Try going out with some 59 year old! – and believe it or not – that 59 yr old leacherous (dirty old man) is STILL going out to night clubs – looking for some 40 year old woman – he seems to feel he is entitled to. And before ANYONE suggests he may not look his age–HE DOES – look every bit of 59 years old. Just because a man dies his hair – doesn’t shave off 10-15 years off! His wrinkles – and jowls (yes, men get those too) reveal it all. Just because someone is thin, but not built at all…doesn’t shave 10-15 years off in age.

          Leacherous–and gross!

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          • Swede Says:

            Eliza,

            It’s cause of comments like yours we date 30 year old women. I’m in my 50′s and have liked women in their early 30′s since I was in my very early 20′s. They are done partying, they are self confident, most often look the best they ever will and don’t have attitudes like many 40+ women do. Undemanding and adventurous sexually and generally not a pain in the ass, just like the article said. They like a nice hotel but can have just as much fun backpacking and sleeping in a tent.

            I can tell your age from the tone in your post, just as I can tell Julie’s age from the post below. Why would I want to wake up to someone with that attitude when I can wake up next to someone ready for today’s adventure?

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      • Julie Says:

        Please don’t be delusional. Quality of reproductive material in men after 30 decline (more risk of autism, down syndrome and other health problems). That’s not to mention the decline in appearance as well; flabby skin, wrinkles, sagging balls. gynecomastia etc. Many of these are a result of dropping levels of testosterone. Pretty gross stuff all around.

        Women are not sexually attracted…PEOPLE are not sexually attracted to old partners,even older people themselves, you’re delusional if you think they are just as physically attracted as they were at 25. It’s natural to not find old people sexually attracted: get over it. As people age, they focus on other things (if they are mentally sound) Don’t ask women what you can’t do yourself because no women has actually WANTED to fuck an old fart in the history of ever. They might do it on rare occasions (big money etc) but they still find these guys repulsive just like every women of ever. Seriously foad and stop perving on young girls young enough to be your daughters / granddaughters.

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  6. Shawn Says:

    A woman of any age has every right to have high expectations of her man (brains, character, integrity, and, yes, even wealth). I’m also totally within my right to expect the women in my life to have brains, character, integrity, and, yes, a smokin’ body. To me these are baseline characteristics of attraction between high-achieving people. I’m fortunate to have worked very closely for four billionaires in my career, and three of the four of them are married to their intellectual and creative equals (the fourth is a lifelong bachelor who dates movie stars…go figure). As someone who is also very successful, I am looking for my intellectual and creative equal.

    And therein lies the rub. Single women my age (late 30s) are broken: by career failure, educational failure, relationship failure. They tend to be bitter and angry and have unrealistic expectations for relationships. Younger women (again, in the same high-achieving cohort) aren’t broken yet. They’re pregnant with possibility and are excited, rather than cynical, about the challenges ahead of them. So, all things being equal and not compromising on brains, character, integrity, or looks, I’d choose the younger woman each time.

    Of course, life rarely presents the equal decision. I’d never choose a young, dumb woman after my money just as I’d never choose an older, smart woman littered by career failure. I’d rather be single and happy than tied down to misery.

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    • Rosie Says:

      Funny. You don’t sound happy.

      But I agree that I’d rather be single and happy than tied down to misery. And BTW: I don’t consider someone who has had failed relationships, or career setbacks as being broken. I call it LIFE.

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      • Eliza Says:

        I agree with Rosie. You see – for most people in general – what’s ultimately very important is being around positive energy. Nobody wants to be with a man or woman that generalizes/categories others…and labels them as “broken”. It’s just very negative, and it also comes across as quite ignorant. Since in many cases, one needs to fail in order to succeed, or appreciate something or someone once they do enter our lives. It’s called “living” – as Rosie stated. Cynism is also not something age-related…plenty of young, depressed people out there, who look at the glass half full.

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    • Jack Says:

      You ladies keep patting yourselves on the back and don’t acknowledge truth when it hits you right in the face. That’s the number one reason you are losing. Women will make themselves believe the sky is green if it makes them feel better. Shawn is 100% correct.

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  7. Paula Says:

    I think it’s something that manifests itself more around 40-45, in both genders, actually. I think it’s because that’s when a fairly large life experience gap can open wide.

    For me, there’s a huge difference between a guy who has been married or in a single committed relationship for 15-20 years at 40-45, and is newly single due to a divorce, and a guy around that age who has never been married or in a long-term committed relationship for more than a year or two. Guy #1 is looking for a wife-replacement, while Guy #2 most likely has some significant commitment issues and is still looking for Ms. Perfect.

    If the 40-year old woman hasn’t spent most of the last two decades in a wife and mother role, then there may be a reason for that, or even if it wasn’t voluntary on her part, Guy #1 isn’t going to see her assuming that role with him. And the 40-year-old woman is going to see through Guy #2, because she’s probably been dating a version of him off and on for the last 10 years and got nowhere while her eggs got stale.

    So my theory (aside from the “we all want the hottest person we can snag/shag, and younger typically equals hotter” theory) is that most guys in their 40s don’t see women in their 40s as fitting into their lives very well, or know that most women in their 40s still in the dating pool are going to see through their particular brand of BS.

    I feel the same way about guys in their 40s — I’m trying to go with age appropriate, but it’s hard for me to connect with someone who has teenagers, or with someone who doesn’t have at least a decade of relationship history to demonstrate they’re capable of it, even though they ended up single like I did.

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  8. karen Says:

    Most are unrealistic. The men that I’ve encountered in my past have done the exact same thing. They say we change physically alot between age 40-45. I agree but have to say that we age even more dramatically between 45-50. In saying that, these men in my past that I’ve ran across again who was with a younger woman have aged down hill rapidly and the younger woman now is looking old!! By snagging a woman a few years younger wont change a thing in 5 years. Unless he continues to trade up every 5 years or so. Its ridicolous at the level of thinking/mentality of living in the moment.

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  9. Aldonza Says:

    It has nothing to do with the guy’s age, and everything to do with wanting women who fit within the “most fertile years” of 18-30. Some of it is cultural, but I think the appeal of a fertile woman is hard-wired to a certain extent. Online dating feeds this with the ability to search for people by age (and basically ignore people outside that range, even if you’d have found them attractive if you met them.)

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  10. willie Says:

    A woman over 35 can still be quite hot, but a woman under 35 will stay hot longer. This is how these guys think (not me, of course).

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    • Susan Says:

      A woman under 35 who is hot may not necessarily stay that way longer, but hot women over 35 already show their grace in aging.

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  11. Ellie Says:

    While I’m sure this is magnified as men and women age, it’s pretty much a constant throughout the years. If you go on any dating site, men of all ages are looking for women who are younger. There is no logical reason that a man who is 25 should be unwilling to date a 26 year old woman. But, most seem to be. And I think it’s absurd that a 30 year old man would sooner date a 20 year old than a 31 year old. I view an inability to handle women their own age as a sign of weakness, and even though I’m still young enough to be acceptable to most men, I steer clear of the ones who will only date younger women.

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    • Kurt Says:

      “I view an inability to handle women their own age as a sign of weakness”

      Are you joking? Do you honestly think that a man who doesn’t want to date an older woman is weak? Maybe that man doesn’t want to be rushed toward the alter and doesn’t want a woman with tons of emotional baggage and who may spent the last 10 years sleeping around. Everyone I know who is in their 30s has been on dates with women in their 30s who had serious entitlement and attitude problems that no man wants to deal with. I certainly don’t think that refusing to tolerate bad behavior is a sign of weakness.

      I personally think that woman are about 10 times more superficial than men. I hear about women in their 20s not wanting to date otherwise successful and good-looking men because they think those men are “boring” or they don’t like the wardrobe that those men wear. How many men have you ever heard complaining about attractive women being too boring or not dressing a certain way?

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      • Rosie Says:

        My dear! you think because a woman is in her 20s she hasn’t spent the last 10 years sleeping around? Hahaha

        I’m 35 and in the past 10 years I’ve had 2 sexual partners. Yes, I was in a relationship/married to the same guy for 8 of those years, so I must be carrying emotional baggage.

        As my loving 39 year old male friend tells me: beware of anyone our age not having baggage, that means they haven’t really committed to anyone in their lives.

        When I was 25, I had multiple sexual partners. Now I’m more selective.

        Do you hear that? That’s the sound of your theory going down the drain.

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        • coptic777 Says:

          Thanks for admitting what we men already knew. You slept around i n your 20′s like most women today. This is why I just pump & dump keeping my assets safe from women & family courts in the process. Good luck ladies :)

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          • jessica Says:

            Hello, let me be the first to welcome you to the new millennium. Please put your bags and 1950s gender stereotypes to the left. Pfft, you are trying to shame her for multiple partners, and yet, you play the hit it and quit it routine. Why is it okay for you, but not for someone with a vagina?

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  12. saywhat Says:

    It’s a little to do with self awareness and ones own self image. For some people, they have to prove to themselves they can “get” with the younger girl/guy. Once they have them they realize it wasn’t all they had made it out to be. I think having experience is key. Not sleeping around, but just socially aware of the different type people out there. When you become a hermit in your own head your sense of the world and perceptions are off. Humans need to interact with others to truly get a feel for someone. They can’t do it solely based off some internet dating site or phone. We need interaction to process our feelings about someone. In my experiences, I can see how the guys like the younger ones. It’s ones outlook and actions that seems a little more uplifting. I’ve dated younger and there is a difference in that the younger tend to live “in the moment” rather than consider long term possibilities. The older ones have lived thru more challenges, i.e. mortgage, marriage, kids, relationships that failed, etc.. Their outlooks are skewed by the emotions they outlived with these experiences.

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  13. Craig Says:

    Consider that most men don’t mind growing old with their lady, but that doesn’t mean they want to start out with an old lady. I suspect men want to enjoy some of a woman’s physical prime years before they inevitably age. I didn’t want anyone older than 35 when I was dating either, and that’s how old my lady was when we met. We are 3 years apart in age. I met her in her prime and now I’m happy to grow old with her. So the answer to the posed question really comes down to a matter of asthetics and lifestyle choices. Can you really compare the appearance and lifestyle of a 25 year old woman to her 45 year old counterpart and still be baffled as to why why most dudes of any age will prefer the youger one?

    Ladies, to shed more light on the male perspective, let’s try a little excercise. Imagine for a moment that you’re a single man of middle age. Now imagine that for some reason both Goldie Hawn (age 65) and her daughter Kate Hudson (age 31) are both interested in you romantically. Both are obviously gorgeous women by any age standard that resemble each other – and let’s assume they both have great bubbly personalities, and are of high intelligence. So given the choice, which of the two would you rather have sex with and choose to be with for the next 20 years? Be honest. Did that clear things up any?

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    • pistola Says:

      Craig, that would work if Kate Hudson wanted to spend the next 20 years of HER life with an old guy, who was already old when SHE showed up. From all I have seen, she absolutely doesn’t. I have many, many clients and friends, women ages 25-35 and they have no interest in men in their 40s except as a casual date or fling. When looking for a husband, they look for their own age.

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      • Craig Says:

        Pistola, check your facts. Hudson’s ex-husband, Chris Robinson, is 13 years her senior (currently 44). He was 34 when they married and she was 21. Next.

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      • Aldonza Says:

        @Craig
        34 isn’t old.

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        • Lorenzo Says:

          I don’t care about a woman’s age all that much as the quality of woman. I have zero interest in a woman of any age who has been the town skank. I know it goes both ways for men and women but for me to be with a woman who has been nasty with a ton of thugs is just a total turnoff. I see way to many women gettin nasty in clubs and with Hiv being so rampant my life is worth too much to risk it with an unclassy girl.

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      • Craig Says:

        Aldonza – to a 21 year old, 34 is ancient. It’s all a matter of perspective.

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    • Paula Says:

      The exercise doesn’t work, Craig, because we’re wondering why men who are 40-45 won’t date someone their own age. I can’t think of any 45-year-old starlets with 25-year-old daughters, and even Meg Ryan (an older bubbly blond ingenue) turns 50 this year.

      I can understand why anyone (male or female) would find 20 years a too significant age gap to breach, and that hotness or fertility (of the female) and/or money or status (of the male) still causes it to happen. But if you subtract the social proof and fertility motivations, I think there’s still a mismatch between men in their 40s and women in their 40s, in that a majority of the guys who are single in their 40s still want to date 20 and 30 year olds if they can, and that the majority of the guys who want to date women in their 40s are in their 50s or above (or in their late 20s/early 30s looking for cougars, but aren’t looking for a relationship).

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      • Craig Says:

        You can argue the exercise doesn’t work all you want, but I think it illustrates my point. Take a poll of men 40-45 and ask whether they’d take a 25 year old or a womam their age with all other things being equal.

        You want to know why men won’t date women their age or older? Because they don’t have to. Simple as that.

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      • Paula Says:

        >>>Take a poll of men 40-45 and ask whether they’d take a 25 year old or a womam their age.

        Please re-read what I said — your example doesn’t work because you’re using a 65-year-old Goldie Hawn, not a 40-45 year-old woman roughly their age. If Jennifer Aniston, Sandra Bullock or Halle Barry had a daughter of legal age, then it would be a valid comparison, since they’re in their 40s and still pretty smokin, as far as I can judge as a het female.

        Otherwise, “why men won’t date women their age or older? Because they don’t have to” is a statement applicable to everyone — we all date the most attractive people who want us back, or remain single.

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  14. Nan Says:

    intelligent,unselfish, healthy men when to nuture and love…..age doesn’t matter

    unhealthy men want to dominate and lead someone younger and possibly less aware

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    • 45FCool Says:

      Well-said. Unfortunately, the unhealthy dudes who want to dominate and lead someone younger and less aware don’t get the benefits of strong, mature and supportive partners in life. They get to be caretakers. But they don’t get equals with whom they will share real intimacy.

      And then they have to keep the door revolving for ever-younger ladies when the last relationship doesn’t work out.

      Healthy men do want to nuture and love. They get that it’s about compatibility.

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  15. Jen Says:

    Men don’t date women their age for the same reason a 5’4″ woman doesn’t want a man her height. It’s not that complicated to figure out. Don’t over-analyze it, men certainly aren’t.

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    • Vox Says:

      Well said, it’s not rocket science.

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      • Deet Says:

        that was Moxie’s main point – men know what works, and then don’t think further. Not to say men aren’t intellectual (many are), but in these matters, what is the point of over-thinking the obvious?

        and (grammar police), it’s averse, not adverse. But that might be considered analyzing…

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  16. dimplz Says:

    I really don’t know any guys who have dated women that young. Most of my friend’s boyfriends or husbands are their age, or maybe 3 years older. I know my bf dated a woman who was 25, and that was a disaster. She was really into bars and drinking and he doesn’t drink, so it was kind of doomed from the start. However, she asked him out, so he wasn’t really seeking her out. He didn’t seem to have a penchant for younger women, he was just a pretty passive person and went with the flow.

    My cousin’s bf is 5 years younger than her, and they have been a couple for 8 years. They have been living together for going on 7 years, and he’s going to be 30 this year. I think it’s just like Jen said, it’s more of a matter of the kind of person you are, and if you seek someone who is a certain type, be it age, height, breast size, skin color, that is the type you are always drawn to. Sure, it’s limiting to go by those factors than by personality, but that is why I believe there is a pot for every lid.

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  17. Azukar Says:

    I understand why older, middle aged men are seemingly obsessed with dating younger women. The REAL question is why do younger women date old(er) men?

    Younger is hotter, yes we get it. Younger women (ignoring the exceptions) are hotter than older women, so older men prefer them. BUT, the same is true for men! Younger men are hotter than older men, yet pairings btwn older women and younger men are not as prevelant as older men and younger women. Why? Because younger men don’t go for older women.

    If looks/hotness levels were all that ever played into relationships, the whole world would date younger. But there’s more to it than that. In this society the looks of women are valued and rated more harshly than the looks of men. We’re socialized to believe that men throughout the size spectrum are good catches and even get more and more attractive/eligible as they age. Women are taught to settle; to look beyond looks (at personalities and bank accounts). Men are encouraged to not examine beyond the phsyical.

    This is why you see attractive young women with older/fat men, and rarely ever see young attractive men with older or fat women. It’s highly skewed, but true.

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    • Saj Says:

      I think because women take other factors into play when considering dating a man besides how hot he is. Does he have a good job? Can he provide for a family? Is he someone I can look to for advice? For this older men have a slight advantage that can compensate for not being as attractive *and yes the majority of younger men are more attractive then their counter parts* but you also have the downside of someone at a different stage of life, he could be condescending, he could not be comfortable with her pursuing a career if he was looking for someone to take care of the house. The young girl will change as she grows up and start to expect different things and the guy who is already set in his ways may not know how to handle that.

      Men don’t consider this stuff as important as is she hot thus more focus on that one attribute at the expense of the others. Women do this too with the height and income requirements rather then finding a cool guy and growing together from there.

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      • Bill Says:

        A lot of women are too obsessed the top 20% of men while ignoring the bottom 80%. Those bottom 80% will be snatch up by women who realize there are more important things than dating a really cool guy. The top 20% will eventually be snatched up by a equlivant women who will do all the work in maintaining that relationship.

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  18. Bill Says:

    All women have issues and etc. The prettier they are it is easier to deal with. For anyone if you met someone who you do not find very attractive your going to be annoyed at everything they do.

    I have seen older women becoming way more pickier as they age and they also like to state this up front with a guy directly or indirectly. When you tell a guy your picky you know what happens he automatically eliminates you because your too much effort.

    For women who are divorce -> they always said they settle in the past and that is why their marriage failed. So they will not settle again. 99% of the time they settle for the wrong qualities instead of the right qualities.

    For women who have never been married, 30, 35, to 40, they will never settle because if they settle now it would be like admitting they were stupid when they were younger about there expectations. From my experience the older the girl the stricter she is at choosing men.

    I know it is hard for women especially when they are older to settle for less than a man she would of settle for when she was at her prime years.

    I told my friend yesterday, she is 35 and fat. If you wan’t a long term relationship it isn’t that hard. Find a man who is older than you at least 4 years and a little bigger than you. Instead your always seeking these younger men who are smaller than you. Even if you lose your weight eventually you have lost a lot of your youth.

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    • Katina Says:

      I’m speechless. I’m a 36 year old black female,and I never had children or been married by choice. My boyfriend of 3 years happens to be a 23 year old white male who is absolutely gorgeous,great body and everything else. We simply just click. I get tired of hearing that men are visual so am I.If a female is young that means she is fertile.That’s is not always true because I have a friend that tried to get preganant in her twenties and it never happened so her and her husband ended up adopting years later. I’m an atrractive woman and you would consider in my culture my body to be thick and curvy.My bf body is athletic.I give him opportunities to date younger women but he wants me. I’m not jaded by any men in my past. In fact I’m still friends with my exes and if they could have me they all would.I don’t drink,smoke or party.I do love adventureand fun.I’m sure he finds younger women attractive .I can find a younger female attractiveJust like I can find an older man attractive as well as younger. Men get over yourselves it really is all about compatibility.

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  19. sarah Says:

    If the men are older and dont want kids, it makes sense. A woman in her early twenties wont pressure him to start a family. a woman approaching 40 who wants kids and whose fertility is on the decline is more likely to pressure the guy, Its just that simple. also, if the guy has issues he may want someone who hasnt had a ton of boyfriends/ a husband in the past, so he can get more over on the woman.

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    • Saj Says:

      Sadly those relationships end up where the woman is alright it’s been 6 years lets start a family and the guy isn’t interested. They breakup and this woman is now 35 and anxious anxious anxious.

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  20. andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

    Craig :

    Ladies, to shed more light on the male perspective, let’s try a little excercise. Imagine for a moment that you’re a single man of middle age. Now imagine that for some reason both Goldie Hawn (age 65) and her daughter Kate Hudson (age 31) are both interested in you romantically. Both are obviously gorgeous women by any age standard that resemble each other – and let’s assume they both have great bubbly personalities, and are of high intelligence. So given the choice, which of the two would you rather have sex with and choose to be with for the next 20 years? Be honest. Did that clear things up any?

    Yeah, not sure this is a great example.

    Kate Hudson, currently pregnant by a guy she had been casually dating for a few months who will inevitably be dumped soon after that baby is born, has been through a string of men since her divorce. Her Mom has had a strong and ongoing partnership with Kurt Russel for going on 30ish years. Kate might be gorgeous, but she’s also a notorious pain in the ass. Sure, men will have sex with Kate. But Goldie is the woman who seems to know how to keep her man happy long term. Any “hot” twenty something can get a guy to have sex with her and tolerate for for a bit of time. There’s something to be said for a woman who can keep a man interested for over 30 years. Anf Goldie met Kurt Russel when she was in her thirties.

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    • Craig Says:

      Moxie, in my example, whether Kate or Goldie is a better woman to be with in the long-term is irrelevant. The question posed is why men don’t want to date women their age. The answer is that regardless of whether it’s the best life decision or not, youth wins out more times than not for men. You ladies want to find a deeper answer than that, but you struggle to do so because there isn’t one. Don’t underestimate how simple men are.

      This is the male perspective in a nutshell: As much as a man likes 1969 Mustangs, he’s going to choose the 2011 model every time when faced with the choice of one or the other. Why? Because in the eyes of most, the newer model looks better, performs better, will retain shiny looking paint longer, and will be more fun to drive. Perhaps that analogy works better for you.

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      • Saj Says:

        So I guess my point stands young ladies. Avoid the guys in their 40′s as they just see you as cars to drive rather then an equal which is more likely with a younger man your age.

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    • Susan Says:

      Craig seems to be saying that men date just for sex, in which case they’ll always go for the younger model. But surely some guys date to meet someone they can build a lasting relationship, no?

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      • Crotch Rocket Says:

        surely some guys date to meet someone they can build a lasting relationship, no?
        Generally not. Relationships happen when we’ve been dating someone for sex and discover, to our surprise, that we like her even when her clothes are on.

        Women can’t really grasp how men think about dating because the social economics are reversed: For a man, finding sex is hard but finding a relationship is easy. For a woman, finding sex is easy but finding a relationship is hard. This understandably leads to rather different views of dating.

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  21. pistola Says:

    Craig :
    Pistola, check your facts. Hudson’s ex-husband, Chris Robinson, is 13 years her senior (currently 44). He was 34 when they married and she was 21. Next.

    I don’t think that union is gonna last 20 years, Craig. That’s what i’m saying.

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  22. JoyC Says:

    Could this also have something to do with more men going through “mid-life crises”? I am not an expert on this but we never hear about women going through mid-life crises. Maybe they do, but it’s called something else. In any case, it’s that fear of going past your prime, and doing everything (usually externally) to stop it from happening…maybe that’s why a lot of men date younger women too? Maybe this applies more to men who date women who are significantly younger. Just a thought.

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    • Bill Says:

      The midlife crisis is a myth—sort of Many believe that men go through a midlife crisis when they are in middle age. Not quite. Many middle-aged men do go through midlife crises, but it’s not because they are middle-aged. It’s because their wives are. From the evolutionary psychological perspective, a man’s midlife crisis is precipitated by his wife’s imminent menopause and end of her reproductive career, and thus his renewed need to attract younger women. Accordingly, a 50-year-old man married to a 25-year-old woman would not go through a midlife crisis, while a 25-year-old man married to a 50-year-old woman would, just like a more typical 50-year-old man married to a 50-year-old woman. It’s not his midlife that matters; it’s hers. When he buys a shiny-red sports car, he’s not trying to regain his youth; he’s trying to attract young women to replace his menopausal wife by trumpeting his flash and cash.

      Ten Politically Incorrect Truths About Human Nature
      Psychology Today (http://www.psychologytoday.com)

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      • Cricri Says:

        That sounds like a whole load of BS! Are you saying that men need psychological counseling when their wives start to go through menopause? I’ll be glad to indulge my future husband when the situation arises!

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  23. chuckrock Says:

    I’m 34 and typically date women within a couple of years of my age (i think the youngest i have dated was 3 years younger, oldest was 1 year older). i have more in common with women who are close in age to me and who have lived through the same/similar life experiences as I have. when I search online I usually search 27-36 but I rarely contact the ones under 30 and when I do- they rarely respond.

    I can see this changing if i am still single in a few years though, as I do want to have a child and at some point I’ll have to look younger so that ‘she’ still can. I guess these types of things happen when you waste your late twenties and early 30s with the wrong woman.

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    • chuckrock Says:

      I have to say, sometimes I really scratch my head and wonder why there is a thumbs down on a comment. :)

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  24. 45FCool Says:

    The OP means “averse”, not “adverse”, right? And I don’t understand the article’s title because it’s answered by the OP with examples of how picky women are about everything, including a guy’s age. So didn’t he answer his own question by saying men and women *both* are picky about age?

    Younger men pursue me. Almost exclusively. I do not seek them out. I’m not an “obvious hottie”. I am not sugar mamma material.

    But time and time again, I a told that the reason they do not like the younger women their own age is because given a man’s choice to be with a woman who’s a lot cooler to be around because she’s secure in who she is, can figure out what she wants and express it without creating an insecure drama and punishing a guy for not reading her mind. I am adventurous, creative, supportive, challenging without being unreasonably demanding, and fun. I laugh at myself.

    I’m not a cougar because I don’t “hunt” younger men.

    Men of all ages are attracted to women who are loving, fun to be around, and have a strong sense of themselves.

    The sampling of guys who won’t date women their own ages and don’t want children are the guys who have already had numerous relationship and intimacy problems if they are that old, and that “set in their ways”.

    I’d not be interested in a minute’s worth of conversation with guys who are that staid and non-curious.

    The guys in their 30s-40s who don’t date women their own age are PermaBachelors.

    They think they are rejecting inferior goods by exclusively dating younger women, but smart guys, ie, happy guys, know that ripe eggs and youth don’t create a happy life.

    If that was the case, the divorce rate wouldn’t be as high as it is.

    There’s already been a culture shift…and it continues…younger men dating older women.

    More men finding happiness and that it is not limited to a woman’s most fertile years.

    A woman’s most fertile years can also be her least happy–she doesn’t know as much about herself as she does with maturity.

    PS–there are lots of us walking around–I am mistaken for being in my early 30s all the time. Yes, I have good genes, but I’m a big girl now and not expecting a guy to take care of so many of my needs is indeed quite a heady pheremone for guys who want the combination of intimacy and freedom.

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    • Bill Says:

      Personal experience younger men love older women because they are fun. When it comes down to settle down, get married, have kids with we will always pick the younger girl. The media has given us (younger men) a new image of older women that they are sexual creatures that love to tease, tame, and sexually gratify a younger man.

      The chances of a younger man and older women long term decrease dramatically to where it is almost as lucky as winning the lotto. Every person knows at least one longterm couple younger man and older women but out of the normal relationship of older men and younger women that number is still a very small amount probably less than 5%. The three couples where the women is older/uglier and the man is younger/hotter -> the women has always made way more money in another words who ever the older one is the one who plays the provider role.

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      • Bill Says:

        I meant the three couples I know of. The women is older/uglier and the man is younger/hotter -> the women has always made way more money in another words who ever the older one is the one who plays the provider role.

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      • 45FCool Says:

        What “personal experience”? You being dumped by an older woman?

        Sorry that you don’t like the growing trend of younger men and older women.

        I am going on strong with my 15 year younger man, and we are moving in together. It’s been 3 years.

        You conveniently avoid tallying up relationships that end up the crapper or divorce court by this time.

        You sound old.

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      • Bill Says:

        45FCool – You sound offended I never said it didn’t work it dramatically decreases.

        99.9% of women say they settled that is why they ended up divorced. 99.9% of men say they picked the wrong girl. My opinion both people had unrealistic expectations of marriage that is why they ended up in divorced.

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      • Katina Says:

        You must not get out often. My best friend bf is younger than her,my neighbors which My boyfriend and I hangout at the female is 14 years older,my grandmotherand great grandmother had younger husbands. I have plenty of coworkers who are married to older women and are quite happy. I personally don’t judge people by age because I hang out with all age groups to not do so you’re limiting yourself. The neighbors i mentioned he is more attactive than her , very faitful to her, and he works and she doesn’t. she doesn’t have money.I don’t keep my bf up finacially. he provides for himself. Plus his cousin hinted at me he might just be popping the question. So there goes your theory and all the other b.s youand some of these men been spewing

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    • andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      So didn’t he answer his own question by saying men and women *both* are picky about age?

      I wrote the post. I’m a 42 year old female.

      But time and time again, I a told that the reason they do not like the younger women their own age is because given a man’s choice to be with a woman who’s a lot cooler to be around because she’s secure in who she is, can figure out what she wants and express it without creating an insecure drama and punishing a guy for not reading her mind.

      Isn’t it weird how these younger guys always seem to follow the exact same script?

      I am going on strong with my 15 year younger man, and we are moving in together. It’s been 3 years.

      With all due respect, do you really think when you’re 60 and he’s 45 he’s going to stay with you? And depending on how old you are…what do you have in common with someone 15 years younger than you?

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      • 45FCool Says:

        “With all due respect, do you really think when you’re 60 and he’s 45 he’s going to stay with you? And depending on how old you are…what do you have in common with someone 15 years younger than you?”

        Hahahah. You’re a 42 year old female? Really? You live in NYC with an attitude like that about love and relationships? Are you against gay marriage, too? Because it goes against the norm, and lots of people can’t understand what goes against the norm.
        You sound like a guy with antiquated ideas about life and love.

        You can generalize if you want, but are you in a relationship, currently?

        “With all due respect, do you really think when you’re 60 and he’s 45 he’s going to stay with you?”

        If you’re a writer, then ask a specific question. It’s not all due respect, either, that’s polite language, but you’re not being respectful, you’re sorta…hmmm..pre-judging.

        But that’s ok…you go ahead and pre-judge.

        “And depending on how old you are…what do you have in common with someone 15 years younger than you?”

        Do I even have to answer this?

        That is really ignorant.

        You wouldn’t understand anyway…if you have your attitude at 42.

        But here we go:

        We listen to indie music and go to concerts, We went to Sweden last month to meet his parents.

        I am a filmmaker, he is in the entertainment business. We are making our first film together.

        We have fantastic cycling adventures.

        We both majored in literature in college…but I guess talking about something you’re passionate about with someone…doesn’t count.

        And we’re out there in Central Park rollerblaing, most every weekend, at the Moth for Poetry Slams during the week, also film festivals like Sundance.

        I could fill up this blog with a lot more we have in common.

        But again…I don’t really care about your…not opinion.

        Negative judgements.

        Still…I invite you to our party this coming weekend!

        Come with your date!

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      • Vox Says:

        Isn’t it weird how these younger guys always seem to follow the exact same script?

        I am sure there must be some website out there in which these guys share tips, because yes I heard the exact same script over and over again when I went through my phase of bangin’ the youngsters. That said, I never really “dated” any of them.

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    • Aldonza Says:

      OK…let’s be clear here. How many of those cougar-cubs have offered you anything more than a good time?

      45FCool :
      Younger men pursue me. Almost exclusively. I do not seek them out. I’m not an “obvious hottie”. I am not sugar mamma material.

      No…I’m quite willing to bet that lots of men pursue you. You’re only seeing the younger ones.

      But time and time again, I a told that the reason they do not like the younger women their own age is because given a man’s choice to be with a woman who’s a lot cooler to be around because she’s secure in who she is, can figure out what she wants and express it without creating an insecure drama and punishing a guy for not reading her mind. I am adventurous, creative, supportive, challenging without being unreasonably demanding, and fun. I laugh at myself.
      I’m not a cougar because I don’t “hunt” younger men.

      Yep, I’ve heard it all too. And don’t get me wrong, they aren’t exactly lying about those things. They just aren’t telling the whole truth about why they’re attracted.

      Men of all ages are attracted to women who are loving, fun to be around, and have a strong sense of themselves.

      Men of all ages are attracted to women who are loving, fun to be around, and who they think have a good chance of putting out with minimal drama.

      PS–there are lots of us walking around–I am mistaken for being in my early 30s all the time. Yes, I have good genes, but I’m a big girl now and not expecting a guy to take care of so many of my needs is indeed quite a heady pheremone for guys who want the combination of intimacy and freedom.

      Intimacy *and* freedom? Can you explain what that means to you? Because to me it means sex without strings.

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      • 45FCool Says:

        Hi Princess!

        I’ll share your photo and your post with my younger boyfriend of 3 years.

        Last month I went to Sweden to meet my boyfriend’s parents. Yo’ure right. He’s just using me for sex, as you say.

        You’re so smart, fake blond princess. A real insightful chick, your knowledge of human nature and maturity make you a real PRIZE for the men who are as dysfucntional as you. Lucky, lucky, lucky them.

        Aside from getting it wrong, I see you also can’t read.

        Here was my, more or less, post to the same prejudice OP. Another lady on here has the same things to say about the women on here like you who have such low self-esteem and boring lives, they attack and demean other women.

        I’ll pass along your love note to my boyfriend of 3 years, that he is using me for sex.

        (You’d be lucky if men approach you even for that…and I think you’re seething with not just hatred, but jealousy…you big-hate-bomb of)

        As for having nothing in common except he uses me for sex:

        I am a filmmaker, he is in the entertainment business. We are making our first film together. Again, thanks for your pic…btw.

        We have fantastic cycling adventures.

        We both majored in literature in college…but I guess talking about something you’re passionate about with someone…doesn’t count.

        And we’re out there in Central Park rollerblaing, most every weekend, at the Moth for Poetry Slams during the week, also film festivals like Sundance.

        I could fill up this blog with a lot more we have in common.

        But again…I don’t really care about your
        negative and hateful judgements.

        Still…I invite you to our party this coming weekend!

        Come with your date!

        It’s partly our pre-engagement party!

        Lots of amazing people there.

        Respect is as respect does.

        Then again, maybe don’t hang out in Manhattan so much…and just work here in your dumb job.

        You’re missing out by being hateful…and attacking…because you are bitter and unhappy.

        Have an educated day you lovely prize of a princess!

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      • 45FCool Says:

        You know, I’m from NYC, and your attitude is understandably as provincial as the other people on here who stereotype and generalize.

        But you had to get on a know-it-all soapbox.

        There are so many different relationships possible when you get outside your prejudiced little small-minded, small-town life.

        I lived in Boston for 7 years, went to school there, and I have lived in NYC for 20 years.

        I moved because of know-it-all prejudiced attitudes like yours.

        You feel entitled to make statements that are just…grossly demeaning…and prejudiced.

        Maybe you don’t like gay people being married either.

        But go ahead and continue your platform of stereotypes.

        Dunno…women in NYC don’t say this kind of thing to each other or act it. There’s a tone on this board that is just…sadly narrow minded.

        But y’all agree with yourselves.

        I’m gonna live my life and y’all can be haters all ya want!

        Kisses and hugs.

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      • Vox Says:

        Wow, 45F – quite an over-the-top bitchy response to a benign amount of questioning from Aldonza. Something is rotten in the state of Denmark! Are you sure you are blissfully happy? Doesn’t look that way to me.

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    • LadyD Says:

      Thank you – I couldn’t have said it better – I’m 44, and lately the ONLY guys who ask me out are late 20′s-Early 30′s – people tell me I look like I’m in my early 30′s; I’m petite, fit, no kids (never wanted ‘em), and have a lot of energy and a positive outlook. I’d love to find someone around my age, but most guys my age I have nothing in common with, and they just act tired. *sigh* It’s a frustrating dilemma. I’d be happy with someone 5 or 6 yrs. younger who wants marriage but no kids. My parents were together 56 years – she was 6 yrs. older than dad – so it DOES work!

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  25. Frensin Says:

    I think the problem is with women who date guys who are unattractive + older thus making men feel entitled to dating younger + attractive women. My friend thinks thats how you make a relationship work because thats what her mom told her. They think that if a guy is much older, that they are more ready for a serious relationship. Which may be true, but older is generally less attractive and they think unattractive men will appreciate them more.

    I was always against dating older men, I told my friends they were losers for desiring older men and now I’m a hypocrite because my 14 year older boyfriend is 39 years old. If he only went after younger women, I would NOT be interested. He does look a lot older than me, I have been told by many guys that he is simply too old for me. I don’t mind because I love him as a person so all his imperfections are perfect to me.

    I still think men go after younger women because they are losers who can’t handle women their own age. Age is not what should make you like someone, it’s just a number.

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    • Bill Says:

      TRUE – “older is generally less attractive and they think unattractive men will appreciate them more.”

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  26. 45FCool Says:

    Also, the younger men I have dated want to be with women with whom they are compatible. And would prefer to be with someone with whom they are compatible, than check off the list: 1) marry 2) have kids

    and then possibly divorce, because you’ve chosen to prioritize biology over long-term compatibility.

    The divorce rates show all kinds of blind spots regarding that “life checklist”.

    I feel sorry for guys who pursue relationships based on age and perceived fertility.

    I know a guy who just got married to a woman in her early 20s and she just hit menopause.

    It’s not like “fertile years” guarantees a guy a shot at making genetic copies of himself.

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    • chuckrock Says:

      it doesn’t guarantee having a child, but dating someone older who has passed thos years guarantees NOT having a child. I’d rather at least have a chance to have a child.

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  27. Saj Says:

    I’m speaking in generalities here but it’s pretty weird how a man’s wiring work. When they are in high school they probably found 20% of the girls hot and focused exclusively on them. If they were out and about and a 28-35 year old hit on them they would have thought they had won the lottery.

    When they are in their early to late 20′s they tend to date girls around their age or still find older women alluring and found high school girls *too* young and immature.

    All of a sudden when they hit their 30′s/40′s when they drive by a high school or collage 90% of those girls look hot to them even if they are young.

    Maybe it’s just always a grass is greener syndrome. The demographic of women that is harder to score is the one they pine for the most.

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  28. Anonymous Says:

    Wow, I cannot believe some of the attitudes on this thread. Could you blame women a little more? The reason some women want to know ahead of time who will be there is because, as any single woman can tell you, many singles events end up with few men and a lot of women. It makes sense to want to know ahead of time, before spending more money and time on something like that.

    And how is that women are seen as the problem, when men are writing about them as being “broken” if they are in their late 30s? Maybe some people are single because of these attitudes. No woman in her right mind would want a man who is this arrogant, insensitive, and clueless.

    No one has raised the possibility that we live in a very ageist society. Older people, both men and women, are seen as less desirable for everything from dating to hiring for jobs. And it’s worse for women because men can get away with status and money as bait for relationships, whereas many men are threatened by women who have more of those, or they are more concerned with looks.

    Such sweeping generalizations. Do you know how many men DO complain about very things you say they don’t? Just because they don’t say anything to the event organizers doesn’t mean they don’t bitch to their friends later. I’ve heard more complaining from men about women than the other way around. Women are much more likely to give someone a chance they feel neutrally about, just to see if it can get better. So many men rule out a woman if she doesn’t wow them in five minutes of speed-dating. Maybe the flip side of “letting the chips fall where they may” is really a lack of openness and a sense of being “too good” for anyone but a 23-year-old bartender that can be worn on the arm. Neither is dating material.

    None of this has to do with age. It has to do with maturity.

    I am astounded that someone who runs singles events can have such patronizing attitudes about the very people they are supposedly trying to help. Sort of raises the possibility this is just about making a buck for you and pretending you are an authority on something. I’d be very surprised if you were not single yourself, as your attitudes about women are so demeaning and off.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 34 Thumb down 14

    • 45FCool Says:

      Thanks for airing this. The OP/writer’s question and her follow-up answers to her own question don’t even makes sense. I thought “she” was a guy, based on how stereotyped her observations are. Anyway, I had my own set of responses for her questions to me, couched in “with all due respect” wrapped up in prejudice/ignorance because I opened the worm-can of the older woman/younger man relationship:

      “With all due respect, do you really think when you’re 60 and he’s 45 he’s going to stay with you? And depending on how old you are…what do you have in common with someone 15 years younger than you?”

      Anyway, thank you for your intelligent response.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 9 Thumb down 11

      • JoyC Says:

        I think as people get older the age difference becomes less significant. I can see Moxie’s response making more sense if you were 35 and he was 20…even then, there are always exceptions to the rule. Overall, it doesn’t make sense to generalize.

        Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 8 Thumb down 5

    • Cheryl Says:

      “a 23-year-old bartender that can be worn on the arm. Neither is dating material.”

      As a 24 year old bartender I’d like to know why I’m not dating material.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 8 Thumb down 5

      • Vox Says:

        Jealousy. Because bitter middle-aged women are highly threatened by women in their mid twenties, as they hate the additional competition. You are younger and most likely better looking, but naturally you aren’t as accomplished thus they must poke at your job. (And I am 40 myself… I’ve just learned to not resent it when men aren’t interested in me.)

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    • Amy Says:

      Such sweeping generalizations.

      You mean like this?

      And it’s worse for women because men can get away with status and money as bait for relationships, whereas many men are threatened by women who have more of those, or they are more concerned with looks.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 9 Thumb down 5

    • JoyC Says:

      @Anonymous:

      To be fair, the blog IS called “…And that’s why you’re single.” Some of the women (and men) write very thoughtful posts, but a lot of them also bash women (especially the men), so you can see understand why they’re single :) I posted a letter on here a few months ago, and boy did the men jump all over me and attack me (the OP included)! Overall the amount of anger towards “middle aged” women on this board is off the charts, and the men make sure to treat you like an old hag, or damaged goods. Makes me want to poke my eyes out when I think this is the dating pool of men out there, but thankfully, it’s not. The men here are exactly what they accuse the “middle aged women” of…bitter. Add nasty to that mix.

      “Women are much more likely to give someone a chance they feel neutrally about, just to see if it can get better. So many men rule out a woman if she doesn’t wow them in five minutes of speed-dating. Maybe the flip side of “letting the chips fall where they may” is really a lack of openness and a sense of being “too good” for anyone but a 23-year-old bartender that can be worn on the arm. Neither is dating material.”

      FULLY agree.

      Love your post, and 45FCool’s as well. Finally we have some mature, and rational posters!Yay!

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 21 Thumb down 10

  29. 45FCool Says:

    You should check out the posts she just left for me…about my relationship. It’s laughable that he or she…dunno…seems like a guy to me…would be any sort of writer.

    She is EXTREMELY prejudiced and ignorant about human nature, in general.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 9 Thumb down 11

  30. Luis Says:

    I fall well within the subject demographic and have always preferred dating within my age group, but it is not like I go around asking women what’s their age before I know I am interested. Attraction is attraction, whatever the age. That means sometimes I have dated younger and sometimes older. While I still prefer my own age group, sadly I have to say that as a general rule I have found a lot of, how can I put this mildly….. bitchiness amongst women my age. Why so much bitterness? I refuse to be held accountable for the misbehavior of whatever douchebags you dated before!

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    • Capt. Jack Sparrow Says:

      Very true. Attraction is attraction. I also read someone on this board say before, the heart knows what the heart wants.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 13 Thumb down 2

  31. Capt. Jack Sparrow Says:

    I think as we experience failures, we put up walls to guard ourselves. It’s natural to form defense mechanisms. Women who are guarded and disillusioned don’t come across as very vulnerable or feminine. Maybe guys are naturally less socially flamboyant, so maybe women don’t automatically see our walls as baggage. In other words, perhaps it doesn’t take away from our perceived masculinity, even though we may have baggage or issues or “crazy” as moxie puts it. I’m in a nice committed relationship now, but when I was dating regularly, more often it was the women in their 30s who either tried too hard or displayed personality issues or quirks that were either red flags or somewhat offputting. I think people when they’re older are simply less tolerant if they find something they don’t like in a date. They don’t want to waste time. Put two of those intolerant people on a date, and it’s less likely to work. If one is intolerant, and the other one is more flexible, it’s more likely to work out assuming they have the chemistry and attraction. I think.

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  32. godsowncrunk Says:

    It is my experience that the only people who have a problem with older men dating younger women are older women. Ask most single men why we aren’t interested in women our age (assuming we’re mid-30s and up) and you’ll likely hear terms like “entitled,” “neurotic,” “cats,” and “gravity.”

    My dividing line is around 28, which I assume has to do with some biomechanical/fertility thisandthat, but most of all, as women march into their thirties, a switch flips and they become an interesting mix of bitter, neurotic, clingy and out of touch with reality. Most of my female friends are in their 30s, and I love ‘em all – however, I reserve my intimacies for women under 28. It’s my experience that women in their 30s and early 40s want far too much much too fast, and I have no interest in wasting their time or my patience.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 22 Thumb down 24

    • Saj Says:

      Poor girls, always being dumped on their birthday because of some arbitrary rule based on generalities. Commitmentphobes or guys who don’t see woman as people rather then entertainment devices aren’t exactly the cream of the crop.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 42 Thumb down 9

  33. 45FCool Says:

    Vox :Wow, 45F – quite an over-the-top bitchy response to a benign amount of questioning from Aldonza. Something is rotten in the state of Denmark! Are you sure you are blissfully happy? Doesn’t look that way to me.

    It’s not “benign”. She’s defined my life and other womens’ lives with her extremely demeaning stereotypes about men only valuing older women for sex.

    ‘Cougars and cubs”?

    Give me a break.

    If that’s how you have to define my relationship, or any other similar younger man/older woman relationship, you might as well start with the racial and gay stereotypes.

    Rotten in Denmark is calling out shitty stereotypes and demeaning crap…not benign.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 14 Thumb down 10

    • Vox Says:

      If she’s wrong and you are confident of it, then why care so much? Honestly, you look like you are flipping out on this discussion. And invoking race and homosexuality, it’s like you are grasping at straws in the hopes to get other people to argue on your behalf. If you are really, truly happy, phrases like “cougars and cubs” should not bother you this much. It’s a part of our modern day vernacular, was not coined on this website.

      My two cents anyway, carry on all…

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      • Frensin Says:

        I didnt read the whole thing and I’m way too lazy to care, but from her last comment, she has the right to her spurts of anger. Not all men who are with older women are using them for sex. My grandma married a man 10 years younger than her + my aunt married a man 5 years younger than her. You know if a guy is serious with you or not ,so don’t worry about what other people think.

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      • JoyC Says:

        When someone attacks YOUR relationship, you wouldn’t flip out? How would you like to be told someone you are with (and maybe love and respect and who feels the same way towards you) is with you “only for sex”? How the hell can anyone on a blog board know anything about another poster’s life? So, I don’t blame 45FCool for getting pissed. Some people on this board are incapable of having a thoughtful discussion and seem to always go on the attack, and that’s what pisses off some people. Especially when it gets personal.

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    • Aldonza Says:

      I replied to you at the end of the thread. Don’t know why it didn’t stick with the reply.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 4

  34. WO7 Says:

    Who are these men that “won’t” date a woman their age? I don’t know any of them.

    Most men would prefer to date a younger woman, and strive to date a younger woman. But men give most any woman they’re attracted to a chance. Regardless of age.

    I think you all are confusing preference with some kind of hard and fast rule.

    All my searches are for women at least 2 years younger than me on match.com. But match also shows me women they think I’d be interested in. If I’m attracted, I write. Doesn’t matter what their age is. Several years older? Fine.

    If I meet an older woman in person it doesn’t matter. If I’m attracted I will pursue.

    There are no rules for men to start the process other than there has to be an attraction. And I think this rule has to be obvious. If there is no attraction then how can you consummate the relationship?

    It’s women who make an artificial set of rules and cull the pack based on them.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 12 Thumb down 3

  35. Firedog Says:

    I am open to date women a bit older than I am, or a somewhat younger. I want them to be able to do outdoor activities with me which is part of the reason for not too much older – maybe 5 years.

    I do not use the age range as anything more than a reasonable set of possibilities to look at. I read the profiles and look at the pictures – but do not rely too much on them and send a message to the ones that have interests in common with me.

    Some are younger and some are older, but most are within 3 years of me either way.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 17 Thumb down 0

  36. Vox Says:

    JoyC :
    When someone attacks YOUR relationship, you wouldn’t flip out? How would you like to be told someone you are with (and maybe love and respect and who feels the same way towards you) is with you “only for sex”? How the hell can anyone on a blog board know anything about another poster’s life? So, I don’t blame 45FCool for getting pissed. Some people on this board are incapable of having a thoughtful discussion and seem to always go on the attack, and that’s what pisses off some people. Especially when it gets personal.

    That’s the way it goes on a blog board – if you decide to discuss something, you have to take the good with the bad. If receiving negative comments about a personal situation will upset you, then don’t post about that particular personal situation. No one would comment on 45F’s personal life if she didn’t decide to put it out there for everyone to read.

    It was worded harshly but, asking whether a couple will still be together when she is 60 and he is 45 is a legit question. There was a guy on here six months ago or so who wrote a lengthy post in praise of his relationship with an older woman, that he really loved her, everything was great, but he broke up with her around the time she turned 60 because “we were at different points in our lives” but still loved her to this day. That is a very real possibility for 45F. Furthermore, 45F said that he loves her for the mix of “intimacy and freedom.” Given that statement, wondering if it’s just a sexual relationship is a legit question too.

    Again, if those questions seem too much, the best course of action is to not tell your personal story in a forum which welcomes questions and criticism.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 13 Thumb down 7

    • Paula Says:

      45F, JoyC, you also should keep in mind that there are some people here who are incapable of discussing and debating an issue without making it a personal attack on the individual expressing an idea or opinion. I was recently instructed on what an ad hominem attack was, which was hilarious since the person telling me about them was indisputably directing one at me (and not for the first time), and because I do have professional training in logic and effective argumentation.

      There are a number of people also confused about the difference between a blogger, poster (known as OP), and commenter. Moxie chooses to put her life out there as the blogger and give advice, and posters write into her deliberately seeking her advice. Since Moxie and the OPs have welcomed questions and criticism, they’re fair game in a way that commenters shouldn’t be, according to generally understood blog etiquette. But some people don’t get that.

      Defend yourself, stay above the fray, don’t spend a lot of time attacking Moxie (it is her blog, so she gets to have and defend her views) and realize that at the end of the day, no one here knows whether you’re happy or not with your life. If you are, then the people here won’t be able to convince you otherwise. If you’re not, and some of the information and advice is helpful — take that and ignore the rest.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 1

    • JoyC Says:

      Vox, you are right, when you choose to discuss something you do leave yourself open to all sorts of opinions, some you agree with and some you don’t. I think what the poster got so ticked about is that Moxie, who is giving the dating advice, made an assumption on her personal relationship and that hits close to home for anyone. I think expectation and reaction go hand in hand. Yes, you expect varied opinions (and assumptions/judgments) but people’s ticked off reactions should also be expected. Especially when the judgment/assumption was so personal in nature. Sometimes the moderator’s tone/comments sets the tone for the discussion and I (think) and I don’t want to speak for the poster, but that contributed to the ticked off reaction.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 3

      • dimplz Says:

        Not for nothing, I’m sure she was truly offended, but she went Sheen-esque for a few hours.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 1

  37. nathan Says:

    I feel like the article asks a question and then fails to really address that question, as it meanders on about ‘womens’ attitudes.’ Sure, many women have attitude issues, as do men, but the real factor here is context. Women become significantly less attractive as they age, and at a faster rate than men do. It’s a value shift. At the same time, both are becoming more financially sound as they get older – generally speaking. When women are in their 20s, again generally speaking, they are much more attractive. Like Roger Sterling from MadMen says, “Once they hit thirty, it’s like someone turns off a light.” That was true then and is true now. It’s a fertility issue. Trouble is, no one tells them. They keep on peddling as though they are dealing in the same product they always have had, ignoring the fact that the expiration date has past. To compound this, instead of gracefully accepting this and trying to see how they can add value, many bitterly subtract value and become more rigid and less willing. I don’t judge. I’m getting older too and It’s difficult to grow older without getting a bit sad and angry about the whole thing, but that’s not going to help anyone win friends. I feel like the question the article poses is not framed correctly. It could be something more like, “Why aren’t women attracting men as they grow older?”

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 22 Thumb down 16

    • dimplz Says:

      We should all get our wisdom from TV shows.** I know I base my life on Carrie in Sex and the City. I hope to someday live in an UES studio with a tycoon boyfriend and muse about my sex life during Sunday brunch!

      **Get real.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 16 Thumb down 4

      • nathan Says:

        I used a culture reference to establish a point. Doesn’t make it less valid. If Carrie from Sex in the City ever made a valid point, I might use that as a reference, too.

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      • dimplz Says:

        Yes, and what you’re missing is that the show is not filmed in the 1960s, it is filmed now and is about the 1960s. This provides the storyteller with a unique perspective, unlike SATC, which dealt with a contemporary trend at the time it was occurring. Did it ever occur to you that Mad Men subversive with its context (sexist) and therefore doesn’t support your particular argument?
        The average age span for a woman is about 78 years. According to you, a woman will have started to lose her looks before she even reaches the middle. There are many events that may occur in someone’s life to alter their appearance, be it an accident or illness. I hope men are smart enough to know that there better be something more significant keeping them with a woman than their appearance, which is transitory in all of us.

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      • Saj Says:

        Hrm so what’s the point of getting married or having relationships if the glow of youth is no longer there? Troll the bars until you are a creepy old man and security escorts you out?

        Marry a youngin hoping you’ll kick the bucket or push you down a flight of stairs so she doesn’t have to work again…that is if you have the funds which the majority do not.

        When you are a teenager or in your 20′s and older men are leering at you or try to awkwardly flirt it isn’t cute. We’ve all been there and felt more contempt for these guys rather then thinking oh how charming.

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      • nathan Says:

        The subversiveness of MadMen is not lost on me, and really is not relevant to this discussion. It’s just a quote, out of context, and I’ve explained that it still holds true today, just in case anyone got stuck on it. This quote points to a matter of physical attractiveness. It’s something that is innate. It was there 2000 years ago, 50 years ago and today. You have gotten hung up on a colorful comment that I made, and really missed the point — much like the reality of the situation. It’s easier to argue about this nonsense than to address the real problem. The answer to the question the article poses is obvious. It’s like asking, “why do beautiful young women always go for rich men?” Basic economics. The exceptions to this are the cases where the man has found other ways to add value to himself, in the woman’s eyes. Get rich, or add value in some other way. This is what men do and have been doing for a long time. Women have the innate value of their beauty, but it doesn’t last forever. Once that goes, they need to push another value. Simple. Now I gotta go get rich. Later.

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    • JoyC Says:

      Wow, given that I am 36 I guess my light has gone out, I’m not fertile, oh, and my expiration date has long passed. No one “tells us” these things, so my sincerest thanks to you for doing so. Let me get right on to adding value to society by sitting home and knitting.

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      • dimplz Says:

        I thought I heard a click when I blew out those candles!

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      • nathan Says:

        Well, now. No need to pout. Fortunately you don’t live in a society where fertility is your only value. Besides, there are clearly some exceptions to this rule. E.g. Marisa Tomei is in her mid 40s and still very attractive :-)

        Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 9 Thumb down 7

    • Vox Says:

      He’s absolutely right about this, never mind the Mad Men reference:

      They keep on peddling as though they are dealing in the same product they always have had, ignoring the fact that the expiration date has past. To compound this, instead of gracefully accepting this and trying to see how they can add value, many bitterly subtract value and become more rigid and less willing.

      The faster you accept where you are in life, the faster you can market what you have. And the longer it takes to accept this, the worse your “product” becomes.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 11 Thumb down 9

      • Bill Says:

        The truth no matter what age having another value besides beauty will increase your attractive significantly. The irony is without the beauty they might take the opportunity to figure out if you are that amazing.

        Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 9 Thumb down 1

  38. dimplz Says:

    nathan :
    The subversiveness of MadMen is not lost on me, and really is not relevant to this discussion. It’s just a quote, out of context, and I’ve explained that it still holds true today, just in case anyone got stuck on it. This quote points to a matter of physical attractiveness. It’s something that is innate. It was there 2000 years ago, 50 years ago and today. You have gotten hung up on a colorful comment that I made, and really missed the point — much like the reality of the situation. It’s easier to argue about this nonsense than to address the real problem. The answer to the question the article poses is obvious. It’s like asking, “why do beautiful young women always go for rich men?” Basic economics. The exceptions to this are the cases where the man has found other ways to add value to himself, in the woman’s eyes. Get rich, or add value in some other way. This is what men do and have been doing for a long time. Women have the innate value of their beauty, but it doesn’t last forever. Once that goes, they need to push another value. Simple. Now I gotta go get rich. Later.

    Marriage has a long history, and physical attraction in marriage is a new concept, relatively speaking. If it were only about looks, then how come so many beautiful women go from guy to guy, hoping someone will marry them?

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 12 Thumb down 3

    • Aldonza Says:

      Good looks are like a relationship resume. It’ll get your foot in the door, but after that it doesn’t mean much.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 19 Thumb down 1

  39. New_NYC_Resident Says:

    The reason has its basis in anthropology, and is hard wired into our genetics.

    For men, young age is a factor in attractiveness, because of fertility, and the fact that women’s fertility pretty rapidly declines with age. So if you had a magical machine that could create 2 women who were exact carbon copies of each other and looked *exactly* the same, except that one was 5 years younger, the man would want to have sex with the younger one.

    For women, the tradeoffs are a little murkier. Men’s fertility and sperm quality decline at a much less drastic rate than women’s fertility/egg quality do. And older men, on the average, have more resources with which to protect and provide for offspring, and protect the woman while she is pregnant and vulnerable. So for women, there are 2 competing factors that are hard wired into their reproductive instincts, and those factors weigh into their decisions of who to mate with. An older man with lots of resources, but lower sperm quality, may still be judged by the woman to provide the most optimal long term reproductive outcome.

    So that’s it, very simply. Evolution. Men have evolved to deposit their sperm into as many fertile females as possible, because for most of human history, there was no biological cost or risk to a man of getting a woman pregnant. Women have evolved, because of the vulnerability and biological cost of being pregnant, to be selective and choose men with resources, and weigh that with a man’s sperm quality also. The men with resources are also more likely to help offspring compete in the long run.

    This dichotomy/conflict in a woman’s choice is even more pronounced in the modern world, where intelligence and experience are the primary factors that allow older men to acquire more resources. This is different than a million years ago, when brute force was more often the deciding factor in which men could kill more wooly mammoths and steal resources from other tribes.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 8 Thumb down 15

    • dimplz Says:

      If they look exactly the same, how would you know which one was younger?

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 11 Thumb down 5

    • Christine Says:

      Um, by the way as men age they get less fertile too, which is why Viagra exists, and why the father’s age has now been established as the biggest factor in predicting autism in children. As a woman, I am not attracted to older men because I believe I am programmed to want to be with the most fertile man possible. Women who are attracted to older men (the ones I’ve talked to, anyway) are attracted to the complex idea of doing something “wrong” (being with some older perv, honestly) or want to be taken care of, which you could argue is possibly also some kind of evolutionary thing. Maybe. But I know a few women who have dated older men and ended up cheating on them with younger hot guys. That’s just the way the cookie crumbles sometimes. Youth is attractive whether on a male or a female. Men are just lucky that they can make up for it sometimes by having other ‘assets’ like the ability to ‘take care’ of someone financially or whatever. But it’s all superficial in the end, on both ends.

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      • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

        Christine/Trist:

        Please don’t write multiple comments under various usernames trying to support your own argument. Your IP addresses are the same. If you want to comment here, by all means, join in. Just don’t write a bunch of fake comments posing as man.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 2

  40. dimplz Says:

    nathan :
    Well, now. No need to pout. Fortunately you don’t live in a society where fertility is your only value. Besides, there are clearly some exceptions to this rule. E.g. Marisa Tomei is in her mid 40s and still very attractive

    Oh, there’s hope for me! Thanks for being kind to such an old lady…

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 14 Thumb down 4

  41. dimplz Says:

    AndThatsWhyYoureSingle :
    Okay…enough

    sorry lol.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 2

  42. New_NYC_Resident Says:

    Vox :He’s absolutely right about this, never mind the Mad Men reference:
    They keep on peddling as though they are dealing in the same product they always have had, ignoring the fact that the expiration date has past. To compound this, instead of gracefully accepting this and trying to see how they can add value, many bitterly subtract value and become more rigid and less willing.
    The faster you accept where you are in life, the faster you can market what you have. And the longer it takes to accept this, the worse your “product” becomes.

    Not true, especially for men. If a man can become richer faster than he gets older, he’ll have more choice of young women. It’s all a matter of not accepting ‘where you are in life’.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 8 Thumb down 5

    • Vox Says:

      We weren’t talking about men, we were talking about women.

      But wait, actually, it DOES hold true for all. A man’s career success/financial status totally trumps his fading looks in his 40s… not true for women (though we often try, hence the futile listing of education, work, home ownership as dating assets). We need something else. Many refuse to accept this and extend the thumbs down rather than trying to figure out what they have to bring to the table as a true dating asset.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 13 Thumb down 7

      • Saj Says:

        Hrm maybe cooking, being a comforting presence and being an emotional support.

        Enthusiastic about trying new things and experiences and becoming talented at a hobby so you have some passion in your life. Making an effort to have passion with your sex life and initiating at least half of the time.

        Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 12 Thumb down 0

  43. JoyC Says:

    nathan :
    Well, now. No need to pout. Fortunately you don’t live in a society where fertility is your only value. Besides, there are clearly some exceptions to this rule. E.g. Marisa Tomei is in her mid 40s and still very attractive

    What about Jennifer Aniston? Demi Moore…Jane Seymour…Susan Lucci…the list goes on. And yes, these are people who probably have had some work done, still they had something to work with! I see women on the street and in the office who are over 40 and still have it.

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    • nathan Says:

      Personally i don’t find these women very attractive – especially Jennifer Aniston. Now Diane Lane is another story…

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      • patsypat Says:

        There’s also Halle Berry, Jennifer Lopez, Salma Hayek, Heidi Klum who all had babies after 40 and look GREAT!!!

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  44. Trouble Says:

    Craig :This is the male perspective in a nutshell: As much as a man likes 1969 Mustangs, he’s going to choose the 2011 model every time when faced with the choice of one or the other. Why? Because in the eyes of most, the newer model looks better, performs better, will retain shiny looking paint longer, and will be more fun to drive. Perhaps that analogy works better for you.

    My boyfriend is 42, I’m 45. I think that I am the first person that’s older than him that he’s ever dated. He could have dated younger people (I’m surprised he didn’t, to be blunt), but he picked me. I tend to think that it’s because, overall, I’m not a pain in the ass. I’m really low maintenance as a person.

    I like to cook, I like to have fun, I spend more time laughing than I do bitching, and I helped him rehab his house. I sometimes think that he thinks he’ll never find another person like me that will spend as many hours as I did working in the inner city on a piece of crap house, getting dirty. And we’ve had fun doing it.

    I think if you are female, 40+, and you want to date men your own age, you better be pretty darn easy to get along with AND have some value added. And that value added isn’t a Ph.D., it’s stuff like being a good cook and enjoying sex and not starting stupid fights over pointless nothing stuff like you did in your 20s.

    I’m not suggesting that women settle. I’m suggesting that we tone down our heinous bitch tendencies and focus on being nice people who enjoy our lives.

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    • Vox Says:

      Absolutely right, no one wants a 40 year old bitch!

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    • nathan Says:

      awesome. you sound like a real catch.

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    • JoyC Says:

      Very true…amen!

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    • Erin Says:

      Trouble, glad to hear you and J are still going strong. I have always been wishing the very best for both of you! Hope all is well with your son and daughter too! Sometimes the stars really do align and love finds a way to be magical for two people when you are truly meant to be together!!!! I am so glad you are both so happy together. We celebrated our 11th anniversary last month and I tell people all the time the most important secret to a happy relationship is how much do you laugh together and can you laugh in every situation! I think too many people forget how to be happy as years go by.

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  45. Aldonza Says:

    Hmmm, apparently I hit a nerve. Never my intention to hurt someone’s feelings, but blog threads are not for the meek and sensitive. If you hang it out there, expect people to poke at it.

    If you’ve got a great younger guy who’s almost ready to think about committing to you, more power to you. Just one question though…why does the opinion of a person you’ve never met on the internet get under your skin so much that it sent you an an epic rant? Why should my opinion matter at all? And if your relationship is so nifty, how come you’re hanging out on Moxie’s blog with the rest of the dysfunctional dating misfits?

    OK, that was two questions.

    Parting words: when something has the ability to really piss me off…there’s reason. Might be worth asking yourself the reason behind your reaction to some rather mild comments I made.

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    • Bill Says:

      We always talk about generally what normally happens. You could be that unique case that does happen too.

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  46. Changing Says:

    I’m a 37 year old professional African-American man in Chicago. Never been married, no children. I can’t speak for all ‘men of a certain age’ but for me my younger woman chase is/was largely because of body type, freedom and the fact that the younger woman is not as likely to have children.
    I stay in very good shape for the most part and I’d prefer to be involved with someone who is too. Unfortunately, in my community the women who are over 33 years of age are often a bit overweight and not overly concerned with being in Coke bottle shape in the first place.
    Women also typically have had children by their early 30s and if they don’t they are getting the itch something awful. Their freedom is restricted somewhat because of the children, their careers, etc…
    However, I’ve found out that the younger woman is typically a scatterbrain. She doesn’t know herself yet (who can blame her?) and therefore she doesn’t know what she wants in a partner. Younger women, besides being somewhat unrealistic, often can’t see past the tips of their own noses and have difficulty relating to worldly events that don’t directly or immediately affect themselves. An older friend told me that sometimes it takes their maternal instincts to kick in to be able to relate to anything outside of themselves. To put it simple…all that looks good ain’t gold.
    Fortunately, via a recent speed dating event, I met an amazing woman with a great attitude, intelligent, no children, in superb shape, friendly, mature, stable, all of the qualities that I want in a potential partner. She was so beautiful and vibrant that had to ask her age in a roundabout way. I said “are you as young as you look?” she laughed and said “no I’m 35″. Wow! I was genuinely thrilled and even more so when I realized how much more mature she was then the women I’d recently been involved with.
    Turns out I wasn’t attracted to youth after all but merely the packaging and freedom the comes with it. I feel very lucky to have a chance with someone my own age that is truly a reflection of me.

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    • Eliza Says:

      Very well put – and smart, insightful man. You are dating someone within your own generation – who you can relate to, and yet you still find her attractive – overall. Congrats. That’s called being openminded. And that saying is so true – not everything that glitters is gold.

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  47. Fire Says:

    And that’s why I mostly date younger men. I still look like I’m in my late 20s/early 30s – according to people who tell me this. Spare me the cougar crap as well. The vast majority of younger guys insist on paying for the dates and are pretty respectful.

    I have nothing against dating someone my own age or older, but when guys my age are so opposed to dating me once they see my chronological age then I look elsewhere. If people want numbers to rule their lives then it’s fine, but they aren’t the people I want to hang around.

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    • Kurt Says:

      Fire, I have no doubt that those men will date you if you look young. However, you might be surprised to discover that many of those men might not want to marry you because of your older age.

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      • Trist Says:

        are you kidding? that’s not remotely true. i know plenty of married couples where the woman is older. people nowadays mostly marry for love, not to pump out the max number of children.

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        • Crotch Rocket Says:

          i know plenty of married couples where the woman is older.
          Most married couples are within 3 years either way. That’s not news. Among married couples with a significant age difference, though, it’s nearly always the man that’s older. For every Demi Moore, there are a hundred Catherine Zeta-Joneses.

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  48. Sarah Says:

    Some above said men date younger women ‘because they can’.

    This is only true for a small percentage of men. The majority of over-40 men will be not be attractive to 25 year old women. That’s the simple truth.

    If it wasn’t the truth, you wouldn’t have legions of desperate over-40 men on dating sites – most of whom can’t even pick up a woman their own age.
    Go to any dating forum, and see the men whinge about how women can have their choice on dating sites.

    Women go through menopause. Men go through andropause. Men start to lose their fertility, virility, testosterone etc on a steady decline after age 35.. Yes, a FEW elderly men still have viable sperm, but the majority don’t.
    Many sperm banks won’t accept sperm from over-40 men. There’s good reasons for that.
    Only when supply isn’t being met will banks accept higher ages.

    A young woman’s best bet is to marry a young man if she wants a better guarantee of pregnancy and higher-quality sperm. Men over 40 carry greater risks of birth defects and conditions, such as autism.

    The best men want a woman they can grow old with, share with, love with. That’s all that really matters.
    I believe that’s what most men want. It’s what I see everywhere.

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    • Eliza Says:

      So true. I have seen my share of “beer bellies”…and recently saw a man that was 59 yrs old – in DAYLIGHT. It was frightening! Sorry fellas…you don’t age too well. You can die your hair all you want, and put on a suit, but when you are 59 – you are 59! Own/live up to it…and just accept it. I don’t care what car you are driving. You may be established…but your skin is that of a 59 year old! That simple.
      And actually – many men are not as fertile – after the age of 45-50! LOL
      I agree with Sarah. The door swings both ways. :)

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  49. Kurt Says:

    Almost all men in the 35-45 age group will date younger women (e.g., 5-10 years younger) and possibly marry those women if they think that they can get those women and will be able to maintain a faithful relationship with those women. Looks of their partner is very important to men and women are generally more attractive when they are in their 20s than they are when they are in their 30s and older. Also, a late-30s man who wants to get married and start a family would almost be foolish not to purse women at least slightly younger given that younger women are generally more fertile and more capable of bearing healthy children.

    Many of the lawyers I know in their 30s struggled with dating in their 20s while they were working hard to establish their careers. Why should the ones who are now professionally and financially successful and who still look good settle for a woman their own age when younger woman are attracted to them now? The women who are the same age as them now didn’t want them 10 years ago, so now those guys are returning the favor and go for women who are younger, better-looking, and often much, much nicer.

    I have dated some women in their mid-30s and am amazed at how bitter and negative some of them are because the guys they dated in the past didn’t want to marry them. Well that isn’t my problem and they need to get past that anger.

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    • Trist Says:

      what do you mean “why should they settle”? it may shock you to know this, but many men find it more fulfilling to have a relationship with a woman their own age. not everyone cares only about a young-looking chick.

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      • Eliza Says:

        True – Trist – only the shallow men who are self-entitled feel they should be with someone 15 years their junior…they want arm candy – and then when they finally get it – and down the road – realize they have absolutely NOTHING in common, they cry like some little girl. You get what you seek I say. They need to stroke their ego more than anything, and go for the external/age criteria. So be it.
        It’s not about settling. It’s about getting to know someone based on “compatibility”, not just surface criteria. Especially if both parties don’t want children…then age shouldn’t be such a factor.
        There are women who are short-sighted as well. You need to be attracted and yes, have “things in common”…how would anyone have anything in common with such a generation gap of 10-15+ years? It’s ridiculous.

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  50. whatdidyousay Says:

    Why worry when there are younger, better looking men too.

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  51. MC Vancity Says:

    I’m a woman in my mid 40′s. I was constantly told by women (well meaning of course) that I should settle for a guy who is just average looking as I will have to compete with other women for the attention of a good looking guy. I should date someone roughly 10 yrs. older as guys my age are not interested in dating me.

    Lol, I prove the naysayers wrong. I’m currently dating an attractive, fit man who is 6 yrs. my junior. My age is not an issue with him. It’s true most men go for younger women but thank god it’s not true for all men!

    In praise of younger men!!!

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    • Tonya Johnson Says:

      MC Vancity

      Good for you! I just hate it when people are prejudiced towards attractive people. Its just like racism. Why in the hell do people equate fit, beautiful, pretty, handsome, youth, or cute with mean, shallow, disrespectful, stupid, whorish and out-of-control?? How many handsome, in shape serial killers have we seen – ONE?? This really gets to me. I have dated mostly attractive, younger men and they have always treated me better than older, out-of-shape/unattractive men and I even hate to say that because now I’m sounding like a hypocrite, but it has been a fact for me. Just because someone is unattractive, older or out-of-shape does not mean they will be good, respectful or nice to you – people please stop assuming that there is some kind of connection between the two – there isn’t! Individuals regardless of their looks, age, background and status handle things differently. No two people are the same.

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  52. NYC Bachelor Says:

    Well I’m 39 and for me personally, I would say 23-34. It’s mostly because I have no kids and prefer women who are in child-bearing age ranges. Of course, a younger girl would have to be very mature and intelligent. Women my age tend to look older than they are and often suffer lots of ailments. I look much younger (no wrinkles, have all my hair and am very healthy) and so any large age difference will not be noticeable. The fact I am not a smoker and drinker accounts for a lot too.

    So even though I am attracted to women in my age bracket, and being someone with little baggage, I prefer someone younger and who can give me children should we decide to marry. Nothing personal, but it’s all about the odds for building a family for me.

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    • Kurt Says:

      I also look young for my age. I am 37 myself. Recently I have been speaking to a couple cute women about 24/25 who were in to me until they asked me my age, at which point they were no longer interested. If I date women in their 20s, it would be better if they are in their late 20s.

      I am looking for a potential wife, so a 37 year old woman is probably too old for that. After a year of dating and maybe another 6-12 months of engagement, a woman my age would be 39-40 by the time of a wedding and would therefore be a likely pregnancy risk.

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      • Eliza Says:

        Kurt – just keep in mind…there are no guarantees. You could meet a woman younger – as you prefer in her late 20′s–that doesn’t mean she is fertile. And there are women, who are in their mid 30′s who can still conceive. Again…why focus on numbers…what you really need to guage here is whether a woman around your age is compatible and does want children (in your case) – since you are looking for something serious–and what type of mother/wife they would make. Just saying.
        But go ahead…get yourself a 20-something model…

        I know a man that went much younger – at 30 – married a 19 year old…stayed married–only to eventually end up never having children. Why? because this “Young woman” never wanted kids – with him. Guess what? When he turned 40 – she dumped him – and she had kids with someone else! A younger guy! LOL

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  53. PerfectXXXX Says:

    1) Judging women by age is just another try by men to suppress them. We are not cavemen anymore. We all want to be this educated, but when it comes to judging women, men always come with this “cavemen-theory”. Sorry, wrong. We evolve all the time.. we are taller, have bigger boobs, are getting older…

    2) It’s not about fertility, it’s about insecurity. Men, who look for significant younger women, are attracted to their insecurities, because they are afraid of self-confident women. They want control and power. That’s why they will stay single forever. Women instead, are attracted to self-confident men and repulsed by insecure behaviour in men.

    3) When a woman has the choice between a 20-year-old self-confident man and a 40-year-old self-confident man, she will always take the younger one. Youth = attractiveness.
    Same rule applies for gay men. The elder ones, who are well established, never go for men their own age. They are just looking after the young men in the 18 – 25 range. It’s a shame.

    4) The reason younger women go for older men is just because of having fun with them, financially and sexually, and later dump then. I’m a young woman myself, I should know.

    5) As a women, I would never go for a man who is just after me, because of my youth and my looks. Intelligent women, who are often approached by elderly men, KNOW that these type of men are not interested in their peronalities. So as a women, who looks for a lifetime partner, it’s a great risk to choose a man, who usually goes for the younger ones, because when you bear his children and grow old, he will eventually dump you, because in his eyes you are “past your prime”.

    —-> PerfectXXXX out!

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    • Speedy Says:

      The problem here is that men aren’t women with penises.
      If they were, some of what you said might be a bit cutting.

      As it is:

      1. I don’t think its true but so what if it is?
      2. Ditto. Assume you’re right, where is the problem?
      3. Ditto, so what?
      4. Exactly! Live the dream. Great isn’t it.
      5. You might be right. Thats your problem though isn’t it.

      In conclusion, you might think these are zingers but then I’m guessing you don’t date many straight women yourself so from the off Team Penis are doing things you wouldn’t for reasons you wouldn’t understand.

      I’m saying this as someone who tends to be “age appropriate” btw, but you clearly don’t have the first idea about how men experience dating. Ultimately that is a bigger problem for you than any of the people you think you’re putting straight here.

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  54. Trist Says:

    I am a man in my late twenties and I like dating women my own age. Of course I’d date an older woman, if she was cool. Or younger. But not too much younger. I am often attracted to women in their 30s and 40s. I don’t have hang-ups about her being younger than me because of some obsession with having to have kids or her looking “feminine” or whatever this crap is. I would just rather date someone my own age because we are more likely to have life experience in common. I once briefly dated a girl five years younger than me, and while I don’t assume every woman younger than me would be like this, I just found it sort of… offputting because she didn’t get a lot of the cultural references from my childhood, and just sort of was in a totally different place in her life. I dunno. I just like chicks my age. And I think I always will. I actually am just a romantic, I want to grow old with someone. I’d just feel self conscious being with a young chick if I was older. I’d be worried she’d be secretly getting bored with me and worried about my ever-more-wrinkly balls. Would rather just get old with someone and share all of that stuff together, honestly. If you’ve got chemistry, the sex will always be good. I don’t give a shit if she’ looks like a 23 yr old model.

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    • HammersAndNails Says:

      That was an impressively bad attempt at writing like a man. Don’t quit your day job.

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      • Kurt Says:

        Good call – I also thought something seemed off.

        It is hard to believe that a man in his late 20s would prefer women in their 30s and 40s over a woman younger than himself. Also, if a woman five years younger didn’t get “his” cultural references, it is hard to believe that he wouldn’t also have the same issue with dating a woman 10+ years older.

        I do have a friend who dated women in their 40s when he was in his late 20s, but he only did that because he wasn’t having success with women his age or younger and was sick of getting flaked on.

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  55. Eliza Says:

    What would a woman that is in her early 40′s that is in great shape have in common with some wrinkled prune of a man that is about to turn 60 years old?! Sorry fellas – a woman that looks great – and is doesn’t have jowles, and veins coming out of her hands, doesn’t want to be seen with a man that old! What can she possibly have in common (discussion wise) with someone 15 years her senior? PS: ANY woman that is that young/young looking or even younger I might add – with a dirty old man that age is in it for his WALLET! sorry. Unless, she has some serious daddy issues. LOL.
    That is gross.

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  56. Eliza Says:

    You want to know what it is REALLY is – with these men about dating a woman 15+ years younger than them? Get ready:

    EGO BOOST! It’s all about the ego. That simple. They feel they are entitled to someone younger.

    I guarantee you – there are plenty of women in their 30′s even early 40′s–you would never suspect they are that age…they are in such great shape, beautiful skin, and very easy going, youthful and fun–but it’s a numbers game with these so-called men – who 1) don’t want children–so why the hell should it matter.

    You know what happens to such men? They end up marrying someone they are uncompatible with – who is 15 year younger – and then when they themselves get older – 40-45+ that same woman dumps them for a younger man!

    You reap what you sow.

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    • Kurt Says:

      I agree with you to a certain extent. However, many of the women in their late 30s with beautiful skin and who are in great shape are ridiculously picky and think that they can get the same type of man they could have gotten when they were 25 years old.

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      • Eliza Says:

        Well, that’s ridiculous on their part too. All I know is I have been in the presence of these so-called “older men” – in their mid to late 50′s – and I had absolutely nothing in common – conversation was so contrived. And when I started chatting about current events, and interesting topics…it was obvious – they either had ADD, or weren’t necessarily interested in sharing opinions, or ideas — actually getting acquainted…with me as a person…it was a shallow connection – all based on just “physical attraction”. So for the men AND women who just want to boost their fragile egos – go ahead…just remember, you get what you ask for. Arm candy usually operates to benefit themselves soley.

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  57. Steve Says:

    Ok, tell me where all these late 30s and 40s hotties are. I am willing to go out with them. If they are online, they are wayyy too picky. (btw I am mid 40s now but fit, no beer belly here, 30-31 inch waist, run about a 90 min half marathon). i just sent out a couple dozen last night with barely a couple of nibbles. I have in my opinion, a solid profile and professional photos and dressed fashionably. The ones I have managed to meet up with recently have all looked older/weighed more than their photos (while mine were all within 3 months). These 30s and 40s women will say there are no decent men, all players, losers, blah blah. Sorry, but they are picky picky picky, they need the perfect person just to meet for coffee be it height/right type of job, image, whatever, it’s just ridiculous. You would think at that age that they would be more flexible but it doesn’t seem like it, at least not online. I am willing to date anyone reasonable (I just ask for cute and not overweight, nothing else for the most part) in the late 30s early 40s range.

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    • Eliza Says:

      Steve–sorry to disappoint or burst your bubble…but online is just a lot of back and forth – pingpong like emailing. if you go out – in or around Manhattan, upscale places or even more casual places, there are plenty of attractive women, in shape, who are intelligent and carry themselves well, are put together. Are they picky? Perhaps–but if – and yes, that’s a big “IF”-they are a reasonable woman, they will strike up a conversation with a man that knows how to approach a woman, without any cliches, and who is a gentleman…why not? There is NO perfection out there. We are all perfectly “imperfect”. And if you don’t see imperfection on the surface…I am certain there are internal flaws. You can bank on it. By the way, being openminded – and “flexible” – doesn’t just come with age….a person that is inflexible remains single for quite some time, and that’s from being “inflexible” most of their lives! LOL

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  58. MiddleAgedSingle Says:

    Of course my question here is: how do they know middle aged women do all the negative things they say they don’t like if the young men are so busy chasing younger women? Those guys probably can’t get a woman of ANY age! LMAO

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  59. Riv Says:

    I’m a man in my 60′s and I only go for women my age and I’m marriage minded but women my age put on 3 pounds of makeup, dye their white hair, get their hair styled like a kid, waste their retirement money on expensive clothes, take pictures of themselves with juvenile expressions and then reject me on okcupid but their pickiness and delusions aren’t working because those pictures remain on okcupid or other sites for over 10 years.

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  60. Lele Says:

    As a man who is pushing forty, one reason for not dating women my own age is that I see them as older than myself. I don’t know why this is the case. Maybe it all started when – as a teenager – everybody told me that women mature faster and – as a result – I grew comfortable with relationships with younger women only. And what started as a couple of years gap eventually enlarged to a decade.

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  61. MrT Says:

    Men and women age differently. At 40, a man has 99% unimpaired reproductive capability. There are a few small changes in the quality of his sperm after 35, but very little. Up until 55 it is completely viable to produce healthy offspring. Whereas with women, at the age of 40 they have basically finished their reproductive lives, barring expensive and unreliable fertility technology. It’s only natural that a healthy, successful man in his forties seeks a woman a decade or more younger than himself in order to produce better and more offspring. This is an unconscious process regardless of his plans to actually have children, and manifests in a lack of attraction towards reproductively marginal women until he himself is cashiered out of the reproductive game around 55-60 and he must (usually) accept post-menopausal women as partners.

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    • Kate Says:

      WRONG! It all depends on overall health and how one takes care of themselves. There are women who have given birth to healthy babies 45 years of age and beyond. on the other hand Scientists are saying that while men still have active sperm the older they get the more chances they can give sire babies with a disorder or special needs. As far as the dating age in general I say INTENTION is everything. If you’re a young woman who chooses to date or marry an older man ask some questions: Does he look at you not just as an young hot thing but as an EQUAL PARTNER with a mind of her own? Does he listen to your opinions and has deep respect for what you say? Does he include you in important decisions that involve both of you?Does he try to control the relationship? How many times has he been married before if at all? Are there kids and or ex wives in the picture and would you be able to deal with that? At your age do you have the maturity and the patience to deal not only with his vast experience but with HIS baggage that comes along with it? With him being older he is going to start aging long before you do. Are you ready to deal with what comes along with that? I think it s fair to say that both men and women want stability in their lives and relationships that last the long haul. We all love beautiful things and fine appearances but need to eventually dig under the surface to see if anything is going to last.

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      • barzaph Says:

        Don’t be deluded, by the time you are 35 your fertility is a 1/4 of what it was at 25. Men aren’t attracted to old women, because they infertile.

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  62. Lele Says:

    Also, men are not averse at all to dating women their own age… when they – the men – are young. A reason for a woman to act quickly if she wants to catch a man her age.

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  63. barzaph Says:

    Sex is about reproduction, a 40 something man can have children, a 40 something women can’t. That means a middle aged women has a sexual value of zero. The reason why young women have so much sexual power is they are in short supply. Far more fertile men that women.

    You are over the hill and have blown it. You find a decent guy in your peak fertile years, or waste your time with men who won’t hang around. Do the later and one day you will wake up and no man will want you.

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    • Michelle Says:

      Your perceptions of how life works for young women is capped by your limited male perspective. Young attractive 20 something year old girls are not swatting away marriage proposals, they’re swatting away men who want to use them for sex. It’s just as hard for an average 20 something year old girl to find a commitment/marriage oriented man as it is for an older woman because men no matter what age are generally commitment averse unless they are the type of man who has so few options that he has to invest in and commit to one girl to get regular sex. Secondly, I really wish when men wield this scare tactic against women of – marry young or die alone- that they consider that marriage is zero guarantee that you won’t end up alone later in life from either divorce or death of your spouse. Marriage is not a panacea for loneliness, some of the loneliest people are married. Marriage is not some permanent safe zone you arrive at where you can feel like you’ve permanently circumvented the pain and suffering of life, esp since marriage can concentrate so much of it.

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      • Speedy Says:

        “men no matter what age are generally commitment averse unless they are the type of man who has so few options that he has to invest in and commit to one girl to get regular sex”

        That would be somewhere between 80 and 90% of all men. If regular sex without commitment is the line here, you’re agreeing with the all players and ‘game’ merchants. I don’t think it was ever disputed those men were going to pump and dump but then you were batting outside of your league so what do you expect.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 4

  64. Dirk Says:

    I’m nearly 52 now. When I was in my 20s I gravitated towards women a few years older than me for the simple reason that the ones my own age didn’t have enough sense to pour piss out of a boot in the dark with both hands and a flashlight. I married a woman seven years older than me. When she passed away I was single at 39 and a year later dated closer to my own age. Now I am remarried again to a woman one year older; we’re basically the same age.

    What to glean out of this? I don’t know. Young people period, female and male, are often dumber’n a box of rocks. With age comes wisdom, but also cynicism. As we get older the list of things we want in a mate stays relatively static, but the list of things we don’t want tends to grow ever larger. And oh boy, have I become cynical. No matter how good she looked, what would I do with a 30-year-old? What common bridge of communication would we have? After two and a half minutes of the best sex I’d had since the late 80s, what would I talk about afterwards that might interest her, or her me?

    I can’t wait until my pecker stops working altogether. Then I can be free of women entirely.

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    • marriedladygivingadvice Says:

      I think it’s pretty ageist to think you absolutely wouldn’t have anything in common with a 30-year-old. It depends on what 30-year-old you’re talking about. People are more than their age, they’re individuals.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 4

  65. marriedladygivingadvice Says:

    Of course men don’t care what women DO. They care how women LOOK mostly, but secondly they want someone who is cheerful, sweet, feminine and fun. A lot of well-educated, driving successful older women are often the opposite of that. It’s really that simple. If you’re kind hearted, in decent shape, up for just about anything and enjoy having a good time, you won’t be single for long whatever your age. I think all things being equal most men and women prefer people within spitting distance of their age range.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 10 Thumb down 0

  66. msM. Says:

    I know this thread is so old…I read this and it is DEPRESSING..sigh:)

    This is SUCH a difficult topic…When I was in my mid-20′s I had a 42-year old BF for 2 years, and I didn’t like him that much, he wasn’t a very nice person, I knew I would never settle with him. I did it because I did not want to find a serious, actually compatible relationship. He was visibly older. People would stare at us sometimes. When I was 16 I dated a 33-year old (that was legal where I grew up in South America). But now that I am 34, I cannot believe a man my age could be with a 16-year old woman. OMG. Gross.

    I have also found that older men, as interested as they might have been then, did not see me as a full person. Yes I was insecure and less self-aware, and I instinctively knew I could not be with them because our lives would have been all about THEM. I was not a threat to anybody. I wonder how many of the men who want (much) younger women on this thread see them as true partners, and how many just see them as sex objects.

    Reading this thread makes me think, if I knew the power i had I would have gone for a “high value” older man then. Marry a rich guy, have a kid, divorce him and be set for life…ha! Yet then, none of the older men i dated were particularly successful, and again, I just didn’t have it in me to be calculating, I was too insecure and had a lot more absent “daddy” issues – (thanks therapy!) than i do now, as a 34-year old. I was in some ways “older’ than I am now.

    I know men my age-ish that I might be attracted to may want younger. I have always gone for older, but now the “older” men are plain OLD. They’ve crossed that line into the balding middle-aged dude you used to see on TV shows. And yeah it all sucks to read this as a woman, because essentially your value is at its highest when you are at your most fragile. But I am a full, self-aware person and a better person than I was at 29. Or 23. If I had “married” anyone then, I would have been divorced by now without a doubt.

    So we keep on going. I am sure we will all find a match at some point. It will just have to be, within reason, a match about who you are as a person, not as a piece of meat with an expiration date. THAT is the ultimate quest(ion).

    sorry just ranting:)

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    • Howard Says:

      It’s easy to absolve yourself from your involvement, in the continuation of this thing, you now find so objectionable. But you don’t get so easy a pass. Your “I was so fragile back then” excuse, does not absolve you. There must have been young guys your age back then, that felt cast adrift by your not wishing to date them.

      You dissed guys your age back then, but somehow they must adjust to where you are at now and see you as favorable. Did you somehow forget that you saw them as unfavorable back then?

      Karma is a bitch, aint it!

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      • msM. Says:

        Howard, no disrespect. Did you read what I wrote. I was SiXTEEN years old. SIXTEEN. Men my age were fewer and not as aggressively pursuing me as men twice my age. It is a different culture. In South America men are very aggressive. I think in the US people GO TO JAIL for this. Just a thought. Hello. JAIL. I do recall you were a borderline date-rape apologist on the other thread so I’ll take your comments with a grain of salt. Men my age were not that interested in me at the time. More predatorial men can sense this and go for the girls men their age won’t necessarily go for. (This has been discussed on another thread “youth trumps hotness”).

        I wonder if you have a chip on your shoulder because you might have been rejected by women when you were younger? I am curious as to why you think this is “PAYBACK TIME”.

        I do not recall “dissing” anyone. when i was younger I was actually not as popular as a teen as I became when I got older. My self-image must have had a lot to do with it. What I was trying to say is that I obviously had ISSUES and that women in their teens and 20s who go out with much older men HAVE issues, mostly.

        I still AM attracted to older men but like I said they are OLD now. I still prefer them 10 years older. But they are close to 50 now. That’s OLD. And by the way I have been very popular online, 20-30 mssgs a day, etc… got the okcupid “hot” email, I attract men I am attracted to, etc…That isn’t the problem. The issue is reading these threads that state that women are “disposable” after a certain age.

        I encourage you to read what I wrote to see that I am THANKFUL that I went through what I did go through. I would not have liked to have settled down at a younger age. I was not mentally prepared for it. I grew up with an absent/narcissistic father, I was sexually assaulted as a teenager and I had to learn to draw boundaries as a young woman. For these reasons, I avoided relationships and avoided contact with the opposite sex in my 20s, unless I felt extremely safe.

        “Your “I was so fragile back then” excuse, does not absolve you. ”

        What are you, Howard, I wonder? Do you KNOW WHY people make certain choices in life?

        You are judge of WHAT exactly? You sound as if you are writing to me to get back at some girl who rejected you when you were 16 or something. That’s not my story.

        I hope you are able to forgive whoever upset you in your youth.

        Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 15 Thumb down 2

        • Howard Says:

          “When I was in my mid-20′s I had a 42-year old BF for 2 years”

          Those were your words. In fact you pretty much began with that. I can read perfectly well. So the sixteen line you give in your reply to suggest that I don’t know how to read, deserves an apology. Mid twenties are not some tender age.

          Attempting to psychoanalyze me about some girl rejecting me. doesn’t change your involvement in the continuation of this thing you find to be so objectionable. If it’s so objectionable, don’t participate. If you participated, and still participate, stop trying to regale us with some sob story about you being fragile, as an excuse.

          There is nothing wrong with seeing the world differently. Change is the order of the universe. What got me was your attempt to absolve yourself. What would have been more appropriate, were you saying, “I was a part of it and many other women are a part of this continuing pattern, and I accept my role in that, but I see the world differently now.”

          Your attempt at psychoanalysis of me, is nothing more than a veiled ad hominen attack. And you are completely wrong. I had no such event occur in my life. In fact I was like most young men, dating girls one or two years younger. I always found it a little funny though, watching my sister’s friends, in conversations with her, put down younger guys or guys their age. I find it even more hilarious to find these women today complaining about guys their age not wanting them.

          This sea change in attitude thing without acceptance of one part in the old thinking, is nothing more than the typical victim play that people like to run on us. I am really tired of reading this nonsense on these boards. No one is that much a victim. That victim mindset perpetuates a thinking where we don’t assert enough responsibility and belief in our ability to determine the future for ourselves.

          I believe that is the biggest stumbling block for people on these dating blogs. The have to shed all sense of somehow being a victim or a pawn or any mindset that sucks their real power to create successful and happy futures.

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          • Howard Says:

            And let me add. If women in their mid-twenties decide that 42 year old guys are yucky, none of it will happen. The last time I checked, men do the wooing, and women decide if things will happen. Yes, women decide for the most part, never forget that. 42 year old guys would have no choice, but look for women closer to their age.

            It’s absurd that a woman who was a big part of it, would wish to somehow come now on a thread like this, and not accept her part in it, but somehow attempt to play the victim role. It’s offensive to women who have a legitimate reason for asking the question, “Why don’t men want women their age”

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