Are Men Threatened By A Woman’s Sexual Past?

March 7th, 2011

Dating, Latests Posts, Naughty, Sex

You have GOT to be kidding me with this. I am not sure how many of the posts you read in response to the “Plight of the Single Woman”…but I am SURE that at least 90% of the men who posted labeled that woman as a slut…and kicker is, she didn’t even say she slept with all the men she talked about dating at the beginning of the article! Maybe men don’t come out and say this…but when they are ‘anonymous’ and can spew honestly…they will tell you that they do NOT respect a woman who enjoys sex. Unless, they are her ‘first’. haha! – Joy

Right. Because if it’s said on the internet, it must be true. And the most confident and secure of men are the ones sitting at their computers typing away hateful comments. If you’re going to base your opinion of men on anonymous comments on the internet, I feel sorry for you. – Moxie


If you still don’t buy it, then I guess you have to extend the pity to everyone who posts on your blog. Regardless of where the viewpoint is posted, it’s a viewpoint, and they are still part of the dating pool out there. At best, they are a minority. I’m just saying that men are a lot more conservative about sex than many of them would even have us believe. When it comes down to it, SO many of them prefer it if you’ve parked in as few garages as possible. Take a survey of your male posters, seriously. There’s a nice collection of neanderthal viewpoints right here. – Joy

Okay…discuss. Unless a woman plans on telling a man how many “cars” have been in her “garage” I don’t see how this is even an issue. Most men aren’t threatened by a woman’s number.  He’s concerned if she speaks of her sexual past in a way that indicates that she’s too emotionally detached, has issues with sex or objectifies or denigrates the men she’s slept with.Not with the fact that she enjoys sex.

If she owns it and doesn’t justify it, it doesn’t bother him. But then how often will a man and a woman go through their list of lovers together? They wouldn’t.

I agree that we like to pretend we are the best and nobody else came before us. But we know that’s not true and we accept it. We just don’t want it throw in our faces.

If a man announced to me that he’d had 50+ lovers, without me asking, I’d wonder why he felt the need to tell me that, and then I’d wonder if he had issues of some kind. Not because of his number, but because he felt the need to let me know about it.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yb5HdTGu_Lo&w=640&h=390]

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79 Responses to “Are Men Threatened By A Woman’s Sexual Past?”

  1. JoyC Says:

    Gosh… I am so flattered that one of my comments has sparked a discussion…yay :)

    So, the last time I tried to post a link I was banned, so apologies once more for pasting a whole article. The source is Askmen.com…so, yes, the author admits it’s not scientific…but it’s interesting nonetheless. (Actually, my comment on the other thread wasn’t even as extreme as men preferring virgins, but just FEWER partners, whereas the author below surveys about men actually preferring virgins).

    Do Men Prefer Virgins?

    One of the most interesting quandaries to ever surface from the dating pool is whether or not dating a virgin is still a man’s preference. In a world where sexual promiscuity is rampant and the practicing of abstinence has all but died out, just about everyone is having sex — so much so that deciding between virgins and non-virgins almost seems useless.

    That is, until you look at data that suggests that many men want a “nice” (read: virtuous) woman to settle down with. But if sex before marriage is a standard practice among today’s generation, is finding a virgin that important, let alone possible?
    What Men Want
    I decided to conduct one of my own surveys amid 25 men, in which I asked them to state their preference between virgins and non-virgins, with regards to long-term relationships. Results concluded that 14 men, if given a choice, would prefer virgins, while the remaining 11 preferred either non-virgins or were indifferent altogether. Incidentally, all the men who participated are single and have had sex with at least two different women.

    While my findings are far from scientific and may not necessarily convey the sentiments of the general male population, there’s a real irony here considering that all the men surveyed want the purest of the pure for marriage, yet they themselves have already experienced the pleasures of the female flesh.
    Society’s Double Standard
    The problem with most men is that they want to have their cake and eat it to. They want to sleep with as many women as they like, yet frown on women who do the same.

    And therein lies the problem: Guys find women for one-night stands, but they’re extremely reluctant to settle down with women whose sexual history is just as colorful as their own.

    So how is one supposed to find a virgin when “holding out” is considered passé, and women are pressured to put out?
    Picking One Over The Other
    Even though such questions are often asked, it’s obvious that dating a non-virgin is not a bad thing. Pressures and one-night stands aside, there are plenty of couples out there nowadays who come to a mutual decision to make love before marriage (if marriage is even part of the equation anymore). Sex is not a dirty activity for dirty people; it’s an expression of love in its most natural form. You can’t fault any woman for wanting that.

    Whether she’s been around or not, every woman has her disadvantages…

    But everyone’s entitled to their beliefs, and virgins and non-virgins both present a unique set of advantages and disadvantages. In figuring out who your ideal woman is, you may want to keep the following pros and cons in mind:
    An Experienced Woman
    Pros: Dating a non-virgin eliminates the need to pretend you’re a saint, since some women may find men who have slept around a turnoff. And if you’re both sexually experienced, you can take your sex life to a higher level and avoid those awkward beginning stages.

    Cons: Guys who are virgins or have less experience than their girlfriends may suffer from a bruised ego due to the woman’s high level of experience. They may also find it a turnoff if they’re looking for a woman with mutual values. Even if you don’t get into specific numbers, this is a great example of how one’s past can interfere with present relationships.
    A Virgin
    Pros: Some men take pride in being the only man their woman has been with; it’s a territorial thing, I guess. The guys get to play teacher and hopefully customize their woman’s performance to suit their needs.

    In yet another attempt to prove their manliness, men often feel the need to be the greatest in bed. And if she’s a virgin, then there’s less pressure to perform a certain way. Since she doesn’t really know what great sex feels like, you can take your time and enjoy the moment without the intense pressure of having to be the best.

    Cons: If there’s one problem many guys have had when dating a virgin, it’s that she probably won’t give in (at least not early on). And if you’re not a virgin and have already had a taste of what the pie is all about, it’s going to be hard a lot of the time (and I mean that exactly the way it sounds).

    As well, even if you are her first, chances are that she won’t be as great as you’d imagine because, well, she has no experience. Unforgettable oral sex is unlikely; let alone a woman who is willing to try absolutely anything in bed. Of course, there are the few who are wild from the start, but chances are that if you do find her, you’ll always wonder if she’s being truthful.
    Think Carefully
    In pondering over her sexual past:

    Don’t let her previous experience (or inexperience) be the only deciding factor of your potential future together.
    Don’t make generalizations about her based on her past sexual encounters, or lack thereof.
    Don’t assume you have the right to know everything about her previous love affairs.
    Ask yourself how much of an impact her sexual history will have on your relationship.
    Choose Wisely
    Sex is a major component in most relationships. And part of finding Miss Right includes being with a person who has the same sexual mentality and physicality you do, regardless of their saintly or sordid past.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 12 Thumb down 7

  2. Trouble Says:

    Why on earth would you be discussing your sexual past with a guy on date? Good grief, it’s none of his damn business.

    Where it becomes challenging for us, as women, is this…if you have sex too early with a guy, he’s going to assume that you do this all the time, with everyone. What I think guys want to know (at least, the marrying kind of guy) is that sex is special to you, and you are pretty selective about your choice of partners. If you send that message, by not having sex on the third date, the conversation about numbers of sexual partners will probably never occur.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 2 Thumb down 10

  3. Capt. Jack Sparrow Says:

    I generally file this under “don’t ask, don’t tell.” I’m not sure what you have to gain by knowing your significant other’s “number.” If someone asked me, I’d respond, “why does it matter?” Once that issue is out of Pandora’s box, it’s hard to put back. If your mate has a big number, it leads to questions of inadequacy (how do I match up), questions about emotional/sexual issues, and so on. May raise jealousy issues and insecurity issues. Knowing usually doesn’t solve any issues, just creates them.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 6 Thumb down 6

  4. M Says:

    Totally agree with what Trouble said. As for what the long winded askmen.com article said, it fails to make a critical distinction. It assumes that if someone is not a virgin, they have done it with a lot of people. To the authors of that article, the possibility that someone could not be a virgin, but has only had sex with a select few people does not exist. For example, I will not look at a girl who has screwed 200 guys the same way I would look at a girl who has had 4 partners lifetime; the article assumes I would. Beyond that, I think Trouble hit it right on the head – we guys want to know that sex is special with the girl, and if she gives it up too early, she probably does that with most guys, leading to a high number of partners.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 5 Thumb down 5

  5. kinlah Says:

    I thought it was common sense that men do judge women on the basis of how many lovers she had? And if need to be in the “don’t ask, don’t tell” category, then that is just enough, to say the least.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 3

    • Crotch Rocket Says:

      … and many women judge men for their respective number as well, so what’s your point?

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 1

  6. Cackles Says:

    Jesus H Christ. If the bullshit flying here is what constitutes the general male thought process, I suppose I need to turn in my penis.

    I’m not at all threatened or intimidated by a woman’s sexual history, and I don’t care how many partners she had before me. It’s none of my business and knowing would contribute nothing to our relationship. To hell with how we got here; as long as we’re both clean and into each other, game on!

    I don’t give a flying fuck about virginity. At best, it’s a non-issue; sometimes it’s actually a score against in my book. I’m not a teenager anymore, I’ve little interest in dating a woman with the sexual maturity of one.

    If I have sex with a girl on our first date, the only conclusion I can reasonably make is she enjoyed my company enough to sleep with me. Not that she’s a hypersexual who bangs any guy at the drop of a hat. Nor that she has a history of jumping into bed with people she’s just met. We met, we hit it off, we fucked. Anything more is slut shaming, and that’s bullshit.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 25 Thumb down 24

    • Cackles Says:

      Er, that first paragraph should have included an exception for Moxie’s reply. As usual, she’s spot on; my partner’s “number” is totally irrelevant. It’s none of my business, and the only reason I can conceive for her telling me is some issue I should probably perceive as a red flag.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 3 Thumb down 7

    • Crotch Rocket Says:

      Exactly. When a woman decides to have sex with me, I’m thinking about how interested in me she must be, not some bullshit speculation about her past that has nothing to do with the present.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 7 Thumb down 11

  7. Joey Giraud Says:

    This guy doesn’t want a woman who’s way more experienced, at least for any LTR. There will always be that suspicion that she will dump you the minute she finds a more desirable man. You’ll never know if she’s thinking about some better lover when you’re in bed. Sure I’m confident, but how can I ever really know? Only a cruel or stupid woman will tell you the truth about your performance.

    “Most men aren’t threatened by a woman’s number.”

    First of all, “threatened” is to a man what “slut” is to a woman, it’s a shaming insult. Second, what kind of number are we talking about? Twelve? Forty seven? Three hundred and nineteen?

    Not something I think about much, but if I knew she had three hundred and nineteen different “cars in the garage,” (terrible metaphor!) I would stay away.

    Not threatened, just turned off.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 19 Thumb down 4

    • JoyC Says:

      “Not something I think about much, but if I knew she had three hundred and nineteen different “cars in the garage,” (terrible metaphor!) I would stay away.
      Not threatened, just turned off.”

      Thank you for helping make my point. Which, conveniently was lost on the other posters. The issue isn’t about revealing or not revealing. Sometimes, you date someone you know or know of (and hence you may know or think you know they have gotten around), sometimes you go to bed with someone who you can tell is experienced…it’s irrelevant how it comes up or who reveals what. Let’s start with the assumption that a woman’s promiscuity is a fact or perception.

      That aside, the POINT I was trying to make is…what is the number that “turns off” a man? Who knows…but the point is, for some it’s 1…for others it’s 5…and still others 319. The POINT is…there IS a double standard. And my response to one of Moxie’s comments about men not caring about women having sex is what started the topic. And they DO care, that was my whole point for posting/pasting the above article. Is every man likely to be turned off by a promiscuous woman? Probably not. Are a LOT of them turned off? Yes. I would even argue that most are. And I would include men in general, not just those in NY or other more liberal cities. I travel 4days/week every week, and I’ve spent time in many cities other than NY. There are MANY conservative/puritanical men out there.

      Maybe a more scientific study is out there.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 10 Thumb down 1

      • Joey Giraud Says:

        Agreed, and I’m not even a Conservative, much less puritanical. But I don’t think of these things as double standards. Standards are much too intellectual, this stuff is primitive.

        So much confusion and misery comes from these false equivalences. Men and women must be equal before the law, at work, in general society. But when it comes to relationships and sex, we’re not very alike at all. We can’t be measured with the same ruler.

        Feminism should stay out of the bedroom.

        Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 18 Thumb down 3

      • Saj Says:

        I think the men who aren’t bothered are in the minority. The reasoning may vary from man to man but the dislike is there.

        Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 20 Thumb down 0

      • Crotch Rocket Says:

        “what is the number that “turns off” a man? Who knows…but the point is, for some it’s 1…for others it’s 5…and still others 319. The POINT is…there IS a double standard.” There are plenty of women who are turned off by a man with 1 or 5 past partners; you’ll find most of them at church. I would suspect the vast majority of women would be turned off by 319, just as the vast majority of men would be. You can’t draw any conclusions from that.

        If you want a “scientific” study, you’d have to offer a wide range of numbers and control for the respondents’ own numbers. I’m sure there will be some difference between the sexes, but not nearly as much as many people think. After all, the median number of partners for men (12) is “only” double that of women (6). People talk like it’s 100:1.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 0

  8. Joey Giraud Says:

    Weird. The preceding article, “do you fsck for sport?” has the answer to this one. The comments make it pretty clear that women can easily find a man to fsck. Sex is for a woman to choose, men have to work for it. ( sometimes to the point of obsession, see “PUA” )

    So why should a man not care if a woman has no discrimination?

    And why are large numbers not a good indicator of poor judgement?

    From all the comments I’ve read here over the years, it’s pretty damn unlikely a wise woman could ever meet a hundred decent men to sleep with in one lifetime.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 12 Thumb down 1

  9. JoyC Says:

    “Oliver and Sedikides (1992) concluded that men who prefer sexually permissive women for dating partners while preferring less experienced women for more committed relationships may be endorsing the double standard, in that they are willing to date “bad girls” so as to have sex with them, whereas they would not consider these same women as marriage partners. ”

    This comes from an actual study…it’s the first one I found, I will try to find a newer one but am posting it in the meantime.

    Does the Sexual Double Standard Still Exist? Perceptions of University Women
    Journal of Sex Research, Nov, 1999 by Robin R. Milhausen, Edward S. Herold

    Here’s the link to the article:

    http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m2372/is_4_36/ai_58459537/

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

  10. JoyC Says:

    Here’s another one that is more recent with a different view, that the double standard isn’t as pervasive.

    http://www-psych.nmsu.edu/faculty/marks/pubs/Marks2006.pdf

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

  11. Joey Giraud Says:

    Here’s a double standard;

    We can’t be measured with the same ruler.

    The ruler for men is marked in inches, for women it’s marked in minutes.

    ( ok, it seemed funny a second ago.. )

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 1

  12. DrivingMeNutes Says:

    I think I’m missing the point. Let’s say I accept everything Joy says as true (or partially true.) Let’s say there’s a double standard. Guys want to have a lot of sex and judge women for doing the same. Okay. So, you’ve described what might very well be an immutable state of nature. What are you going to do about it?

    Needless to say, I don’t think it’s the state of nature but there’s certainly some truth to it, otherwise the Joey Giraud’s of the world wouldn’t exist. But, if you’re going to take a poll of, say, fundamentalist muslims or christians, you’re going to find that they all prefer virgins. So, what have you proven? Go poll crazy people and you’ll find they make crazy choices. Probably about a lot of stuff. You’re just polling the people that agree with you and who will confirm your prejudices. Saying “it’s not scientific” doesn’t make it any more credible. It makes it less. If the fundamentalist crowd is the crowd you’d like to impress, then go ahead and find yourself someone who appreciates your virginity. What do you want from the rest of us who don’t care?

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 1

  13. DrivingMeNutes Says:

    “He’s concerned if she speaks of her sexual past in a way that indicates that she’s too emotionally detached, has issues with sex or objectifies or denigrates the men she’s slept with.Not with the fact that she enjoys sex.”

    This is somewhat true but misses the mark, speaking for myself at least. I am concerned when a woman demonstrates what I perceive to be poor judgment or stupidity. True, she might demonstrate that by “speaking of her sexual past.” But, she might also demonstrate poor judgment by being “prudish” or by placing too much importance on chastity. The point is that “lots of sex” is not automatically equal to poor judgment. It goes both ways. And. to me, it matters very little what they “say.” Outside of the blogger world, it matters how people act, not what they report about how they act. In the end, a smart, reasonable woman will always pass the test regardless of their “number.”

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 2

  14. Paula Says:

    Yep, there’s a double standard. So effin what! You can rail against it, work to change it, or accept it and conform your behavior to it. I know that some cultures virtually compel hymen reconstruction, but really, what’s done is done, and who you did is who you did. Don’t ask, don’t tell is great as far as it goes, but ultimately, you’re either with someone who cares, or someone who doesn’t.

    If you have a significant sexual past, then find a guy for whom that’s a bonus — who likes a sexually confident woman who is comfortable with her body and willing to try new things and/or do things that are outside the conventional norm; who isn’t jealous and insecure about your past, and/or is politically evolved enough to recognize the inherent unfairness of the double standard against women. They’re out there.

    If you don’t have much of a sexual history: are a virgin, near virgin or low-number serial monogamist, then find a guy who likes and values that about you; who maybe has had a similar background or values; or who’s maybe a hypocrite, but treats you well enough you’re willing to overlook that. They’re out there too.

    It’s not that all men are one way or another — that’s the beauty of this world — and all of us when looking for a potential mate factor in all sorts of qualities. If you lie at either extreme, then you’re going to have a potentially smaller pool (which is true about any quality you have), but it doesn’t mean there isn’t someone out there for you, and that the very thing that is a turn-off to one person isn’t a turn-on for someone else.

    It’s not that any of these studies or surveys mean that it’s time to shoot yourself in the head if you don’t conform to the results. All they do is tell you what the common trends are so you know what you’re up against, but hopefully, you’re self-aware and paying attention enough that you have a good sense of that already.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 9 Thumb down 0

  15. Frensin Says:

    I’m a virgin + my boyfriend isnt. It has been tough at times because I really wish he was a virgin. I asked him how many people he was with, I don’t see how that is unappropriate as you should know your partners past, especially in regards to diseases. One thing that helped me get through it was that I realized he is almost 40 years old and with his age comes a past (of relationships that lasted almost 10 years) I just have to accept since I want him.

    I’m not really sure what he thinks about my virginity, he probably finds it frustrating. In a way, I almost feel special because he could be having sex with someone else, but instead he chooses not to have sex with me.

    Unlike what movies make you believe, virgins arent all socially inept weirdos and there are a lot of us out there. My friend has a dating site dedicated to single virgins regardless of religion.

    My opinion on this topic is that if a guy likes you, sure your number might bother him at first, but what really matters is the mental compatibility he + she share.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 1

  16. D Says:

    One data point, perhaps an outlier: I like sexually experienced women and enjoy hearing about their adventures. I don’t care how many partners she’s had as long as she’s truthful about it.

    I’ve dated a few women who’ve had fifty plus partners, including one in the last 12 months. I can’t think of a single negative thing about any of them, and on the whole remember them as being generally more interesting than others I’ve dated. Perhaps because they’re more adventurous and open to new experiences?

    I don’t have a problem with discussing sex stuff early on — it’s actually a turn-on to me. Some may feel it’s weird to talk about sex on the first or second date, but I say anything that promotes intimacy and vulnerability is probably a good thing. So much of dating is about putting up false fronts, it’s nice to get to the core of who we are as soon as possible.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 4

    • Joey Giraud Says:

      Questlon: overall, how do you feel about kids, as in having them?

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 1

      • D Says:

        I used to want kids, but now that I’m 42 I would have to be talked into it. I don’t think it’s fair to kids to have a father who’s 60+ when they’re still in high school.

        I like kids and get along well with them (used to be a teacher).

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

  17. Vox Says:

    Men are viscerally disgusted by women they view as being too sexually permissive because it is an indicator of them having to pay for another man’s offspring. they will fuck the woman they view as too “loose” but will then blow her off ASAP.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 13 Thumb down 4

  18. Saj Says:

    Sigh, more of this promiscuous women are so liberated and open and interesting and the women who aren’t are dull, prudish, uninteresting. How come a guy who goes out and screws women he just met is gross but a woman who does the same thing is just being adventurous and pushing the boundaries!

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 2

    • Cackles Says:

      For the same reason a guy who goes out and screws women he just met is a stud but a woman who does the same thing is a filthy whore. Neither is true, it’s just bullshit endorsed by insecure people who for whatever reason can’t accept others’ sexual inclinations and behaviors are none of their goddamn business.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 3 Thumb down 9

    • JoyC Says:

      I don’t know, call me crazy but I don’t think that’s the case in most places – the most liberal of cities in the world aside. There are lot of people who still think more traditionally.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

  19. ed Says:

    Look, i do not care about how many lovers you HAVE HAD all I want to know is did we have have a good time together. Anything else means I am holding her to a different standard than my self. Now that I think is demeaning to her as well as to myself. If you cannot make that connection, beyound the physical, with her as a man then move on. Ladies you are also guilty of you wanting, thinking and feeling that you are special. THE ONLY ONE.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 1

  20. NYCguy Says:

    Straight and Simple: does everyone have double standards of course. But you are who you are and what you are and I can guarantee that there’s people who aren’t intimidated at all by a woman who has slept around. Who cares!

    If any of us met someone who blew us away and after a date or two we find out that (why this would happen is beyond me) this person has slept with a lot of people male or female. Some of us can deal with it. Some of us can’t. I know it certainly wouldn’t be an issue for me. I also know I’m not the only guy.

    You can mention articles and scientific evidence proving what the general populace does. But when looking for love you’re generally looking for someone exceptional and different. Some of us are looking for someone with a more sexual experience than most. Odds are if you are this person who has slept with a lot of people you’d actually be interested in finding someone else who also has a similar history.

    I do think there’s someone out there for everyone, I actually think there’s much more than one person we’re compatible with. Sex crazed, or virgin like. Crazy thought right!

    BTW I would never date someone whose a virgin…. Especially if they’re around 30 but I’m sure there’s lot’s of people who will.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

  21. j Says:

    My very first girlfriend already had a “past”. One aspect of that, which I won’t detail here, caused a huge problem in our relationship and made me physically sick.

    She got married about seven years after our breakup. Her post-me history with guys went beyond anything I would have guessed in my angriest and most jealous moments.

    Currently, we’re involved again. There’s no possibility that she will leave her husband.

    I have come to understand that her natural impulses and society’s expectations of women are fundamentally at odds.

    Sometimes she mentions the guys she’s been involved with. I used to hate hearing about that. Now, in the context of a tawdry involvement, it seems like a moot point.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 2 Thumb down 8

    • j Says:

      To whoever gave a thumbs down: I can’t tell which part or parts you disliked. Ideally, I would have been more mature when I was younger and more moral today.

      That’s not the way things worked out. I believe my story has some relevance to the topic. The best I can do here is share it honestly.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 1

  22. andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

    JoyC :

    I don’t know, call me crazy but I don’t think that’s the case in most places – the most liberal of cities in the world aside. There are lot of people who still think more traditionally.

    Okay, well you can bang that drum all you like. It still doesn’t make this argument remotely relevant. And it seems like no matter how many men tell you it doesn’t matter, you’re more driven to prove them wrong. AskMen? Really? I wouldn’t take them any more seriously than I take their female counterparts, both of which dumb down their content to appeal to a specific (AlphaMale/FauxFeminista) audience.

    This is the “if a tree falls in the forest and nobody is there to see it does it still make a sound” argument. Nobody is going to know how many lovers a person has had unless that person reveals it. You’re making a theoretical argument for argument’s sake. Sure, if you ask a man what he would think of a woman who had had 30+ lovers, he might find that too many. But if he met a woman that he liked and cared for and her number of lovers happened to be revealed, I highly HIGHLY doubt he’d dump her. If he does, he’s insecure. But that’s if he finds out. You can’t count the rings on a woman’s vagina to gauge her number of lovers, nor can it be based on the tightness of her vagina (trust me on that one). Men have NO CLUE for the most part. So debating the issue is pointless.

    Also, please don’t cut and paste full articles in to the comments section. A link and a quote or two will suffice.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 2

    • JoyC Says:

      ‘”And it seems like no matter how many men tell you it doesn’t matter, you’re more driven to prove them wrong.”

      Fine, I won’t debate it anymore, but if you get out of this little box called NYC, it DOES matter. As for the men on here who say “it doesn’t matter”, half of them didn’t even get the point, instead talking about how the other person would or would not find out…my point wasn’t about don’t ask/don’t tell. But, whatever.

      “Also, please don’t cut and paste full articles in to the comments section. A link and a quote or two will suffice.”

      I won’t. I already got the smackdown from one of the other posters.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 2

      • Cackles Says:

        I live in Utah, which is culturally just about the furthest one can get from NYC. And I’m here to tell you, on behalf of myself and every decent guy I know both here and in other, equally conservative parts of the country, it doesn’t matter.

        I think you’re the one missing the point. How many men a woman has slept with and whether I know about it is irrelevant. Barring extenuating circumstances such as STDs or emotional unavailability, if I’m emotionally invested in a woman, I’m going to make a go of it regardless. People aren’t machines. If I start dating a woman, I can’t trade her in a year later for the new model. There is no new model. There’s another woman made with all the same parts who may be more exciting in the sack or a better cook but who may not compliment me as well in other areas.

        I’m not looking for perfection. I’m looking for a person, actual and whole, who fits me warts and all.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 4

  23. Paula Says:

    Joey Giraud :
    There will always be that suspicion that she will dump you the minute she finds a more desirable man. You’ll never know if she’s thinking about some better lover when you’re in bed.
    First of all, “threatened” is to a man what “slut” is to a woman, it’s a shaming insult.

    I don’t know what definition of “threatened” you subscribe to, but what you describe in the first paragraph above sounds pretty much threatened to me. Any person with whom you’re involved could leave you for someone more desirable, and/or be thinking about someone else when you’re in bed together (maybe it’s an unattainable movie star or her married boss who she has never and will never sleep with). That has very little to do with how many people she’s slept with. We’ve talked about the “golden vagina” here, but there’s no “magic penis” that is so special that a woman would never let it go, once she was no longer still attached to its owner.

    In fact, it might be worse if she hasn’t slept with that many people, because she wouldn’t be able to definitively say that there isn’t someone else better out there, and that she’s not missing out by making a long-term commitment to someone without having more experience first.

    Feel that way if you want, but hopefully you’re not taking advantage of the women you consider sluts in the meantime.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 4

  24. jeff Says:

    I think some of the focus is misplaced here. I don’t care that much about a woman’s history. Dating more experienced women has helped me grow. Now, if I’m in an LTR relationship with a woman has slept with 60 plus people in a few years, I might worry about STDs and possible feel a little jealous, but not because of the number. I would be jealous because I’d worry about how fast or easily she could leave/ “replace” me if she wanted to since I care about loyalty or the meaning of this relationship. On the other hand, if I felt satisfied that this was actually unique for her and she was loyal, then I don’t care.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 2

  25. Trouble Says:

    DrivingMeNutes :What do you want from the rest of us who don’t care?

    You don’t want a longterm relationship and/or marriage. From you, nothing. Our goals are totally different. It doesn’t matter to me how you judge women, because you are looking for sexual relationships, not matrimony. Thus, you aren’t in the pool of candidates I’d look at. Your standards, I’ve learned over time by posting with you, are vastly different than theirs, thus, your opinion on the subject is of limited value.

    Just putting it out there.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 1

    • DrivingMeNutes Says:

      Yes, you could gamble that I’m sooooo different from other men because I happen to be honest as a blog commenter. I wouldn’t make that bet. But, you can.

      I do agree that there is a class of men who are insecure about sexuality (for various reasons) and I also agree that those men are more likely to enter into relationships most likely because of those same fears and insecurities. Fear makes those men more “willing” but does not ultimately make them better partners.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 2

    • Crotch Rocket Says:

      I dunno. I have different goals from DMN, but most of the time I find myself disagreeing with his delivery, not the message itself.

      Yes, to some degree I care about a woman’s past–but I care more about why she was sleeping with men more than how many. I’ve seen some women make bad choices with one man and other women make good choices with ten, so the number is meaningless without context anyway. That’s why I’m firmly in the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” camp. I’ll figure out the important stuff based on how she talks about sex in general and how she approaches sex with me, and I expect her to be smart/savvy enough to do the same.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 2

  26. Trouble Says:

    jeff :Now, if I’m in an LTR relationship with a woman has slept with 60 plus people in a few years, I might worry about STDs and possible feel a little jealous, but not because of the number. I would be jealous because I’d worry about how fast or easily she could leave/ “replace” me if she wanted to since I care about loyalty or the meaning of this relationship.

    It doesn’t matter what the reason is. Many of us have learned, the hard way, that the majority of men who want a longterm relationship care very much how many men a woman has slept with. They may not require us to be virgins, but they want to feel unique, special, and safe (emotionally and physically). They are looking for someone with standards that are similar to theirs. If they’ve slept with 10 people, they don’t want us to have slept with 20. Or 30. Ideally, many of the marriage-minded guys (not puritans, just looking to settle down and have kids, etc.) would prefer it if our tally sheet was shorter than theirs.

    Is it rational? Perhaps not. Is this a standard that exists? I’ve certainly found that it does.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 0

    • JoyC Says:

      Thank you. What you just said, is the point I was trying to make…

      You put it much better than I did by adding this bit:

      “The majority of men who want a longterm relationship..”

      Keywords being…”majority” and “longterm relationships”.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 1

  27. andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

    JoyC :

    Thank you. What you just said, is the point I was trying to make…

    You put it much better than I did by adding this bit:

    “The majority of men who want a longterm relationship..”

    Keywords being…”majority” and “longterm relationships”.

    All due respect to Trouble, but you asked for feedback from men. The men have pretty much told you it doesn’t matter.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 4

    • JoyC Says:

      “Right. Because if it’s said on the internet, it must be true. And the most confident and secure of men are the ones sitting at their computers typing away hateful comments. If you’re going to base your opinion of men on anonymous comments on the internet, I feel sorry for you.” – Moxie

      Hmmm…and you said NOT to listen to men who post on the internet…which is it? It’s very confusing when you contradict yourself all the time.

      Unless…the men posting on your blog are the authorities..versus say, the man who took a survey of 25 men on askmen.com AND the men responding to the article “Plight of the Single Woman” – the men I was originally referring to when I made this comment, which you feel is baseless…unless validated by the following on your blog, right? With all due respect…you are losing your credibility.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 2

  28. Paula Says:

    Virtually every guy on here who has responded (except for Joey Giraud & M) has said that it doesn’t matter, and with the right woman, might even be a plus factor.

    Cackles: “I’m not at all threatened or intimidated by a woman’s sexual history, and I don’t care how many partners she had before me.”

    Nutes: In the end, a smart, reasonable woman will always pass the test regardless of their “number.”

    D: I don’t care how many partners she’s had as long as she’s truthful about it.

    Ed: Look, i do not care about how many lovers you HAVE HAD all I want to know is did we have have a good time together. Anything else means I am holding her to a different standard than my self.

    NYCGuy: I know it certainly wouldn’t be an issue for me.

    Jeff: I don’t care that much about a woman’s history. Dating more experienced women has helped me grow.

    J’s situation is complicated, but he’s still sleeping with the woman with a “past” and who is apparently married.

    Cap’n Jack is in the “don’t ask, don’t tell” camp.

    Funny how it is the women here who are insisting that guys really really care about the number of men a woman has slept with before them. JoyC, Vox, Trouble, and Saj are all very insistent that it matters, but to what end?

    If as a woman, you’re truly comfortable with the relatively low number of men you’ve slept with, are you really going to suddenly go out and sleeping with more due to what Saj calls “prude-shaming” peer pressure? And if you’re in a relationship, then your number is presumably OK with the guy you’re with.

    Isn’t it that you really want it to be true that guys care, even when they tell you they don’t, so that you can distinguish yourself from (and bring down) all the other women you deem to be slutterrific? It wouldn’t be the first time. It’s not about what the guys really think — it’s more about trying to get that chastity advantage.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 6

    • NYCdesignguy Says:

      Damn Paula, I’m always so impressed by your posts and your ability to read through the bull%$#@. It’s really impressive how often I agree with yourself and Moxie.

      Makes me feel better that sane women do exist!

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 5

      • Paula Says:

        Oh, but your opinion doesn’t matter, NYCDesignGuy…you’re one of those lib-ruls from NYC.

        But curious as to where you’ve been parking your car lately…

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 3

    • DrivingMeNutes Says:

      I think this is right.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

  29. JoyC Says:

    Capt Jack Sparrow: If your mate has a big number, it leads to questions of inadequacy (how do I match up), questions about emotional/sexual issues, and so on.

    M: we guys want to know that sex is special with the girl, and if she gives it up too early, she probably does that with most guys, leading to a high number of partners.

    Jeff: I would be jealous because I’d worry about how fast or easily she could

    Joey Giraud :There will always be that suspicion that she will dump you the minute she finds a more desirable man. You’ll never know if she’s thinking about some better lover when you’re in bed.leave/ “replace” me if she wanted to since I care about loyalty or the meaning of this relationship.

    Hey I can cherry pick the views that support my point too. The men I’ve quoted above appear a bit threatened, huh? Debating isn’t about changing someone’s opinion necessarily, it’s about defending a viewpoint and (trying) to provide supporting facts/evidence. Now, that said, I give up trying to debate, because it’s been made clear to me that anyone who posts outside of this board should be disregarded and the handful here are the end all and be all of male opinion. Ok.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 0

  30. andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

    All of their comments lend to their own personal insecurities. You wouldn’t be dating them anyway. So once again…MOOT POINT.

    Debating isn’t about changing someone’s opinion necessarily, it’s about defending a viewpoint and (trying) to provide supporting facts/evidence.

    You mean that 12 year old study you cited? Or the AskMen article? You want to support your argument, do so using current data and not ancient history or from a website targeted to grooming players. Or, you know, get over this annoying need you have to be right. You’re not right anymore that I or Paula or the 8 guys who disagreed with you are right. What’s the point in defending your argument when people have stopped listening?

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 1

    • JoyC Says:

      “You mean that 12 year old study you cited? Or the AskMen article? You want to support your argument, do so using current data and not ancient history or from a website targeted to grooming players. Or, you know, get over this annoying need you have to be right. You’re not right anymore that I or Paula or the 8 guys who disagreed with you are right. What’s the point in defending your argument when people have stopped listening?”

      Gosh, you’re unbelievable. Why do you feel the need to be so bitchy and offensive to your readers? Don’t you know there are ways to respond that are not so condescending? Maybe you need to take a time out before you respond if you tend to get that angry. Do you think that keeps readers? I’m not surprised that I see posters who come on for a day, see the anger and negativity that is posted here and move on. Well, time for me to move on too (I know, not like you care, ha ha).

      In case any of the other ladies here feel the same way, check out this other blog on dating and relationships…it’s written by a woman in England (nice, fresh, non-NYC perspective) but she is HELPFUL, not critical and judgmental. She empowers her readers, and does not demean or denigrate the women who post.

      http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/

      People…no matter where they are from or who they are…respond better to positive, uplifting posts and advice. I saw that response you sent some poor woman and you later regretted it, admitting that you were too harsh. You are obviously aware of how you come off…but let me reiterate it – not that you care what I think anyway…especially since you and your other posters have “stopped listening” – you are bitchy, critical, and you belittle anyone who doesn’t agree with you. I would be surprised if anyone walked away feeling BETTER or more positive about dating. You are NOT helping people. If that is what you are truly after, I would re-think the current approach. Peace out.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 1

      • andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

        Let’s take a step back, Joy. I’ve met you, and I like you. But you stopped making an argument and just started repeating yourself. Nobody wants to read that, and it ends up stifling the discussion. You asked me to poll the male readers. I did. For the most part, the men didn’t agree with you. Which didn’t seem to sit well for you so you just kept hammering away at the same point. That’s where people check out and stop listening. So if the point is to defend an argument, you’re shooting yourself in the foot by not just sitting back and letting people have their opinion. That’s where you are losing credibility. Not me.

        The men who comment here aren’t anonymous, at least not to me. They’ve been commenting here for years, I know their real identities, are friends on Facebook, etc. Most of these men disagree with me on certain points all the time, too. So it’s not like I have my friends coming in writing comments. To be honest, I’d rather have 10 comments on a post than 40 where 15 are written by the same person, or 20 where it’s two commenters going at each other. It’s not interesting to read.

        You’re being argumentative just for the sake of being argumentative, thinking that it’s helping you prove your point. It’s not. It’s just making you look like you can’t be wrong. People aren’t going to engage you that way, which will make it hard for you to defend your point and be heard.

        Since I’ve met you, I know you can be more influential than this.

        I know Natlie from BaggageReclaim personally, and I agree with you that she has a great site with insightful topics. Women should read her stuff.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

    • Paula Says:

      It must be off-the-rails week: Charlie Sheen is more influential than he could ever know. Maybe it’s the tiger blood.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

  31. Paula Says:

    JoyC: Take a survey of your male posters, seriously. There’s a nice collection of neanderthal viewpoints right here.

    It’s only possible to get the opinions of the guys on this blog if they come here and share them — otherwise, any of us can go elsewhere and find something supporting what we say. You got what you asked for — you just don’t like the results.

    JoyC: Debating isn’t about changing someone’s opinion necessarily, it’s about defending a viewpoint and (trying) to provide supporting facts/evidence.

    Exactly. Which I did. But all 4 you count are ones that I acknowledged, so I’d hardly call that cherrypicking. And they certainly don’t add up to the 90% in your camp that you’re touting.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

  32. Saj Says:

    Ok explain this. My husband’s last girlfriend whom he loved was an escort at one time. Obviously this meant that numbers weren’t enough to keep him from dating her .

    I had one entire partner though honestly 10 years 2-3 times a week with only a 6 month gap I wouldn’t call myself inexperienced by any stretch of the imagination. Not quite sure the correlation between experienced and different partners rather then working out the kinks with few who give a crap enough that your enjoying yourself and you feel comfortable enough for experimentation.

    My husband showed through his actions he didn’t care yet he wants to break my ex boyfriends face open just because he got there first. So while logically men can understand it’s hypocritical on a primal level there is something unsettling about a woman who has made it easy for men to access her without him showing care for her. Is it fair or PC? no but it is what it is.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 1

    • Paula Says:

      Saj, as wonderful as your husband may be, he’s not Everyman! the designated representative of all men with XY chromosomes. Maybe he’s a tad excessively and unreasonably jealous. Or maybe he wants to punch out your boyfriend for reasons other than where the guy parked his car for 10 years.

      I think you’ve shared you’re in your 50s, so were you supposed to wait until your 40s for him to come along, especially when you have a sex addiction? And hopefully your ex-boyfriend cared about you at least part of the 10 years you were together, so you weren’t allowing him to access you without him showing care for you.

      (Not an attack, just basing this on what you’ve told us about yourself.)

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 2

      • Saj Says:

        Well the 10 years was the span of 2 relationships. One for 5, 6 month break then the last one for 4.

        And yes I waited for love and not that they just tell me what I want to hear but the fact I felt it and it was mutual. I wasn’t wrong because they obviously stuck around afterwards.

        It also wasn’t about waiting for the right guy to find me. I went out and found them. I put myself out there, set my bait and reeled in my target and didn’t waste any time on those go nowhere FWB relationships thus not having much of a gap between relationship sex the way I like it. So when I hear about girls who don’t even have a sex addiction falling into these retarded situations with the excuse of I just need to get some I get irritated because I fight hard to keep mine under control even going so far as to use drugs and therapy to do it. I’m looking at the bigger picture for long term health while these other girls just give up so easy and come up with justifications later to try and not feel as empty afterwards. You may feel different Paula but as you keep affirming you are not the Everywomen when approaching casual sex.

        So with agreeing with what Vox said below guys can say a lot of things but does it come out in other ways and comments.

        Haha I just asked my husband if I had slept with 40 people before me his response was. OH GOD JESUS, GROSS I SO WOULD NOT RESPECT YOU AS MUCH and other theatrics. That’s just a gut reaction and not a carefully programmed PC answer.

        You also have to be wary of guys telling you what you want to hear because many guys want no strings casual sex and for that they need many women who feel the same way so of course they aren’t going to bash the golden goose.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 1

      • Paula Says:

        >>>Haha I just asked my husband if I had slept with 40 people before me his response was. OH GOD JESUS, GROSS I SO WOULD NOT RESPECT YOU AS MUCH and other theatrics. That’s just a gut reaction and not a carefully programmed PC answer.

        But he would be involved with a former escort.

        Nope, I’m not Everywoman — never claimed to be, but I want someone who loves me, strengths and faults and all.

        I have plenty of people in my life who respect me, but if putting up a false front or not feeling able to share who I am means that I forfeit that respect, then it’s meaningless to me.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 2

    • Crotch Rocket Says:

      “there is something unsettling about a woman who has made it easy for men to access her without him showing care for her.” To me, there is something unsettling about anyone, male or female, that has sex indiscriminately. That has little to do with “making it easy” or numbers, though. I can point to specific female friends with low numbers that bother me and ones with high numbers that don’t, and it all comes down to why they’ve been with however many guys they have, not how many.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

  33. Paula Says:

    andthatswhyyouresingle :

    You’re not right anymore that I or Paula or the 8 guys who disagreed with you are right.

    I know I’ve posted a lot on this thread and some others recently, and it’s not always been in a substantive fashion. But folks should know it’s not about being right — it’s about being logical.

    This topic is not one that it’s possible to be right about. You could poll 1000 men, 999 could say “I want an absolutely pristine parking garage,” but that doesn’t matter for that one guy, and the one woman he will end up with. Conversely, you could poll 1000 men, and 999 could say, “I like my parking garages to have had plenty of drivers around the curves,” but that doesn’t matter for the guy who doesn’t, and the woman whose parking garage is part of her marital dowry.

    And at this point in time, no one can change the condition of their garage — they just have to find someone who likes or needs to park where they’re located.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 2

  34. chuckrock Says:

    When I was younger and had less partners myself, I had an issue that my first long term girlfriend had more experience than me. I understood that this was my issue, not hers, though and I didn’t let it affect the relationship.

    Now that I have gotten older, and have more partners in my past I can’t see how many partners my next serious relationship woman has had mattering at all.

    Where I disagree with many of the posters in this thread is, I do want to know. When I meet someone with whom I want to have a real relationship with I want to know everything about her, including that.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

  35. Vox Says:

    Hell I think JoyC is absolutely right. Just because men here SAY it doesn’t matter to them doesn’t make it true… men say a lot of thing (so do women) but come on we are all delusional to some extent.

    Come on guys, let’s say you met me and we hit it off well in a potential relationship way, and we dating a bit. A couple of week later you tell your friends about me, and they all tell you they banged me in the ass in a nightclub bathroom the month before. All five of them. Would you really still view me as relationship material? Come on, stop playing games and being PC! You’d fuck me and blow me off too.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 9 Thumb down 1

    • Paula Says:

      >>>A couple of week later you tell your friends about me, and they all tell you they banged me in the ass in a nightclub bathroom the month before. All five of them.

      What a ridiculous strawman example! I witnessed something like this recently, with only one woman banging a guy in a bathroom at a diner while we were all at the table waiting for our food, and I was repulsed. Because the woman had a boyfriend, and was obviously doing it to prove something — not because she was attracted to this guy. She humiliated herself in front of a large group of people, and none of us were really sure why, but it was painful to watch.

      However, that’s different than someone who, by their mid-40s, may have been sexual for 25 years or more. An average of two new lovers a year would put your number in the 50s, and if they were spaced six months apart, it’s not even something your friends would probably judge harshly. Now most have had some relationships during that time, but if they’re available now, then they’ve had some periods of being uncommitted, or serially dating and sleeping with someone after 3-5 dates and having it not work out long term.

      That’s not doing it in public — not just in public, but in a bathroom. Not doing it with multiple guys — all known to each other apparently. Not doing it in a bar. Not doing it so many times in the space of a month. All of those are variables that indicate emotional damage and having sex for the wrong reasons. Just doing it several times a year with different guys during the period which you’re single and dating? Not even close.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 3

  36. Vox Says:

    I hit Post Comment too soon. It isn’t that men would be “threatened” by the fact that their buddies had already been there. They would would be REPULSED.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 9 Thumb down 0

    • chuckrock Says:

      But Vox, that would more specifically have to do with the idea that it was my friends than anything. I don’t want to always be uncomfortable when i am out with both my friends and my girlfriend because i know they have all been with her. Making it about being with my friends totally changes the situation.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 1

  37. Vox Says:

    I really hate the fact that I can’t edit posts here, but for the record I disagree with this statement from JoyC: “they do NOT respect a woman who enjoys sex.” I don’t think that is true at all. I think they LOVE that. I just think they don’t like overly promiscuous women (and we women don’t like that in a man either.) Most people like to think that the person they are with has taste, and that they have chosen us not because they will take any bit of random sex they can get, but because they really like us.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 1

  38. andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

    Vox :

    Hell I think JoyC is absolutely right. Just because men here SAY it doesn’t matter to them doesn’t make it true… men say a lot of thing (so do women) but come on we are all delusional to some extent.

    Come on guys, let’s say you met me and we hit it off well in a potential relationship way, and we dating a bit. A couple of week later you tell your friends about me, and they all tell you they banged me in the ass in a nightclub bathroom the month before. All five of them. Would you really still view me as relationship material? Come on, stop playing games and being PC! You’d fuck me and blow me off too.

    Again, another hypothetical situation that has little basis in reality. But I’ll play along. Let’s say this hypothetical guy exists. What does it say about him that he has friends that would a) do that and b) tell their friend about it when they know their friend is in to the woman? And most importantly, what does it say about you that you would date a guy like that in the first place?

    Sure, some men might be repulsed. But are those really the type of men you think would be dating you in the first place? I doubt it, so why would those men matter? I have a hard time believing you, someone so assertive, would ever date a man who would take the word of their friends over the woman they care about or who would be sitting out having some Sex & The City like gabfest about their sexual exploits.

    Most men would never share such a story in the first place. They’d keep their mouths shut because they not only participated in said repulsive act, thereby making them repulsive too, but also because they’d fear men with think they’re gay because other men were involved AND because most men wouldn’t interfere with a friend’s relationship especially if they thought their friend was happy.

    When has DMN or any of these other guys cared about being PC before?

    [youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yb5HdTGu_Lo&w=640&h=390

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 4

    • Vox Says:

      Well yes, of course it’s hypothetical, because that is the nature of discussing this sort of thing online. I personally have no desire to post much about my real sex life online because I’m not interested in reading the commentary about it. (Nothing wrong with the commentary of course, as I like participating in the feedback aspect.)

      I think most men are repulsed by hearing about a woman being “overly” sexually active in a casual way period. Yes I thing there are exceptions, but they are EXCEPTIONS. I also think that most men SAY they don’t have a problem with women who have had a lot of casual sex, but I don’t think that’s true. (Hell I *SAY* I don’t have a problem with a man who makes an honest living as a cashier at Starbucks, but I’m lying. I’m not the only one!!) The variance is, what is “overly” sexually active to them. Some guys love virgins, some love hookers, and most fall in between. Everyone has a line in their mental sand.

      Women routinely lie about their number of partners, if asked. (Maybe men do too, but I’m not concerned with it.) Why? Because we know it makes men feel icky about us if we’ve had a lot of casual sex. For the record, I don’t have a problem with we women having casual sex, as I myself do it often, depending on the given phase of my life.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 1

      • Vox Says:

        Whoops and I also meant to say, you mention DMN as proof or your point of view.. would you want to date him? I think he might be fun as an FWB, but dating? No. He’s been pretty honest here so we can’t complain about him. but since you want something serious, why would you hold him up as a dating expert?

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

      • DrivingMeNutes Says:

        Hi. Ha, first of all, I’m very nice and extremely datable in real life. Like, scarily so. Duh, winning? Second of all, as nice as I am in real life, I am always honest here. I sometimes extend logic to make a point but it’s usually obvious (I think) when I do.

        As for this topic, I’ve commented ad nauseum on it. I do understand the “ick” factor. But, I do not think it’s about number of partners. It’s far more complicated. I am more likely to judge a woman by the male friends she maintains on facebook or her relationship with her brother (what??) than her number of sexual partners. True. “Promiscuity” is only one of many possible factors. And, sometimes it works in her favor.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

      • Kurt Says:

        Vox, you claim that most men SAY they don’t have a problem with a woman who has had a lot of casual sex, although you don’t think it is true.

        If any man told you he didn’t have a problem with a you having had a lot of casual sex, he was definitely lying to you. I can tell you that one of the complaints that my friends have about women is the fear that the women have had a lot of casual sex and have slept around. No man wants to commit to a woman who has freely given herself to lots of men before him.

        I don’t know any man who would want to marry a woman who had slept around with a lot of guys before him. Most men would be disgusted by that type of history.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 1

  39. Paula Says:

    Why would anyone go on an anonymous blog, among people that by and large do not know each other in real life, just to lie? I think it’s very disrespectful and presumptuous to the guys on here to just assume that they’re lying about how they feel. Many of them have done us the favor of being far more open and honest about their intentions than they would ever be if they were encountering us face to face, either as friends or as lovers.

    Maybe, Vox, you’re just not capable of handling anyone telling you the truth because you’re not capable of it yourself. If you lie about how you feel about a guy working at Starbucks, and routinely lie about the number of sexual partners (and those are just the lies you’ve confessed in the last several hours), then it’s not surprising that you have to routinely accuse everyone else of lying too, whether the truth doesn’t fit into your neat little boxes that you’ve figured out in advance.

    No wonder you don’t like it when I refuse to accept the lies you try to tell about my life.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 3

  40. Kurt Says:

    No man wants to commit to a woman who has slept around and has a promiscuous past. A woman like that is not a good marriage prospect. All a woman has to do to get lots of sex is be willing to spread her legs. So most men will assume that a woman who has slept with lots of men in the past doesn’t value an intimate sexual connection very highly and has low impulse control – a woman who thinks that having sex with a new person is no big deal is far more likely to cheat on her husband.

    Not all men want to sleep with as many women as they can. And those men sure as hell don’t want to get stuck with a woman who has been with hundreds of guys.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 10 Thumb down 2

    • Crotch Rocket Says:

      “No man wants to commit to a woman who has slept around and has a promiscuous past.” That, of course, depends on your definition of “promiscuous”. To some (generally religious) men, for instance, that means more than zero partners. To others, it may be a significantly higher number–particularly for men with a higher number themselves.

      “And those men sure as hell don’t want to get stuck with a woman who has been with hundreds of guys.” True, but presumably we’re not discussing women who have been with “hundreds” of other men, but rather the majority of American women, who have had six or fewer partners, or even more active women who may have a dozen or two past partners (not unreasonable, depending on age).

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 4

      • Kurt Says:

        I live in a big city and I think there are probably lots of women who have been with 20+ guys or more and to me , that is extremely promiscuous in my mind. A woman who has been with 6 guys wouldn’t be that big of a deal, but a lot more than that would be an issue for me. Women can catch HPV or even Herpes from men even if the men are wearing condoms – a woman with certain types of HPV can get cervical cancer that could result in her never being able to have children.

        I actually briefly dated a woman last year who told me she had cervical cancer cells that were discovered during an annual physical exam. Of course, she neglected to tell me that she had to have had HPV in order for those cells to form in her body. I did some research on my own and put two and two together. This information and her overall behavior led me to the conclusion that she was most likely promiscuous.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 2

        • Crotch Rocket Says:

          “she neglected to tell me that she had to have had HPV in order for those [cervical cancer] cells to form in her body.” Many people don’t understand the biology or have simply never heard. AFAIK, it’s a relatively recent discovery. Heck, half the country doesn’t even understand evolution yet! (And let’s not forget all the parents who would rather see their daughters die of cancer than let them have a simple vaccine that would protect them for life.)

          “This information and her overall behavior led me to the conclusion that she was most likely promiscuous.” That’s a huge, unfounded assumption. It could be that one of her past lovers was promiscuous. This sounds suspiciously like the “HIV is God’s punishment for being a slut/fag” mindset, whereas in reality most women with both are innocent victims of a partner’s indiscretions, past or present. Sadly, this bullshit is hardly new; during the Black Plague, the Church burned women at the stake for being “whores” and bringing God’s wrath upon them, when in reality it was rats and poor sanitation.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 4

        • Paula Says:

          It’s impossible to tell whether the woman you dated had 20, 6 or one other partner…all it takes is one with the virus to transmit it to her. An estimated 75% to 80% of males and females will be infected with HPV in their lifetime, so if that’s how you define a “promiscuous” person, then most are promiscuous.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 2

          • Kurt Says:

            There are different strains of HPV and only a few of them can even cause cervical cancer.

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 1

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