Why Can’t He Get Any Online Dates?

Name: hoplessrmantic |  Location: Toronto , ON |Question: What is my biggest dating frustration?

How about not having any luck getting any dates!

I’ve been reading some dating blogs stories both from the authors and from other visitors comments. One thing that always amazes me are the number of dates these people appear to go on in a week. With my track record I’ll be lucky to have two dates in a year let alone four or five dates in a week!

I’m a down to earth easy going guy. I have my passions in life as well as my annoyances just like everyone else. I’ve also been on dating sites for years without much luck in the relationship department.

I have emailed so many women on OKC it boggles my mind why I’m not getting responses. It tells me that I must be doing something seriously wrong but I’m not sure what that could be and neither do any of my close friends (they’ve all gone through my profile and emails sent).

Don’t get me wrong and think I’m the sappy, lonely, needy guy. I really am happy on my own. It’s taken me a while to get here and it took a lot of looking at myself, asking those tough questions.

From all those tough questions the most important thing I did learn is that I have a lot going for me, I’m having fun in my life and that I would like to share life’s experiences with someone.

OK enough of me babbling. If you want to see more of me and get a better feel of who I am, check out my profile on OKC.

http://www.okcupid.com/profile/hoplessrmantic

Thanks for your time. |Age: 38

If these bloggers aren’t lying, they’re dating to blog. So they’re simply going out with anyone within reason just so they can have blog fodder.  Their blog consists of a series of one off dates, some “hilarity” or drama that ensues and then a breakdown of why the blogger will never see the person again or feels their date wasn’t relationship material or how the man/woman they went out with was a jackbag. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. That’s our way of regaining control over what appears to be an uncontrollable situation. Of course, we have all the control we need to make the necessary changes. We just don’t want to.  The goal of many bloggers is to entertain and get comments and get liked and stumbled and retweeted. Or to over-analyze minutiae and fixate because obsessing over someone that doesn’t care is better than having no one to obsess over at all. (*raises hand!*) Rarely is the goal to actually have a relationship.  We dwell on the past and press on the bruises because it’s the only time we actually feel anything and so people will tell us how “brave” we are by being so “real and honest.”  Yet there’s rarely ever any…change. Our blogs are our excuses, our shield. I’ve done it all of this. Hence why I’m 42 and single. Comparing your insides to a blogger’s outsides is not a wise move. In the words of Nietzsche -Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster, and if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.

Now, as to your profile.

I liked your profile. I thought it had personality and was very positive. Maybe a little over-programmed, though. I’d remove the references to the self-help books. Personally, I find the profiles that are chock full of wisdom and sage advice a little odd and woo woo. (Woo woo means hippie/trippy/a little too “out there.”) I’d also take out the references to how you don’t feel your age. You are what you are. Nothing is going to turn back time. Don’t justify you’re age. You don’t have to. Nobody does.

You come across healthy and emotionally available. And a good portion of the online daters out there..are not. So they’ll read your profile and they’ll find something innocuous about it that renders them unable to date you. But really, and most aren’t even aware of it, they’re intimidated. You’re there. You’re ready. You’re open. They’re not. They don’t want someone who knows what they want and who brings stuff to the table, because they fear they don’t. Online dating provides them with the ability to feign emotional availability. It’s a cover. They go on date after date and tell people that they’re really trying and really open and totally willing to have a relationship. But they’re not. They’re time wasters.  How do you spot them? Well,:

  • They’ll probably have a disclaimer or two in their profile. They’ll let you know that they’re looking for X and X only.
  • They’ll seem ambivalent. They’re trying to sound flexible but really they’re just widening their net and not being too specific because they really don’t know what they want.
  • They’ll make some passive aggressive remark about how different they are, usually comparing themselves to the opposite sex and implying they’re somehow better.  Chip on their shoulder alert!
  • It takes them longer than usual to respond to you and communications lag.
  • They don’t really talk to you. They just talk at you. Pimping yourself in a profile is not a bad thing. But someone who is genuinely open to meeting someone is more likely to address the person reading it

Be careful of falling in to the “oversharing” category. I like the Two of Us section on OKCupid, where people fill out various questions that give people an idea of their political,lifestyle and sexual leanings. However, it’s very easy to get caught up in all of that and end up sharing too much, too soon. You want to answer the right questions, the ones that will help you sell yourself to your particular audience. If you’re just looking for sex, then by all means answer the sexual questions. But I would avoid answering  too many of the more political or spiritual questions. You might also consider getting rid of the Personality Tests. I don’t know. You don’t want to make it look like you spend too much time on this site or take it too seriously, you know?

Pare down the favorite books/movies/foods section. Honestly, I don’t even read those. You have a brief window of time to engage someone. Don’t lose them over something trivial like your love of sushi or your ideal iPod shuffle.

I agree with the others that you have too many photos of you with other women. I’d crop them out. I’d ditch the one where you have your arm around a woman’s waist all together. (Come on now.) The others are great. You’re outside, you’re with friends or family. You’re showing people you’re not some shut in and have interests other than cruising the internet.  There are no cheesy cell phone or lap tops shots. Maybe get rid of the photo of you posing against the building. That one has a high cheese factor.

The other issue is that you are probably shooting out of your league a bit.  We all tend to get bitten by that bug. While there is an overage of men and women online who are in no way capable of having a real relationship, there are many that are. You just don’t want them, most likely, or aren’t looking in the right places.  If you’re going to use online dating and be successful at it, you have to be more forgiving and not too rigid. Go up a couple years in your age range. Be more willing to contact someone based on their words and not their photos.

I’ll say to you what I said to a woman who wrote in recently. Don’t use online dating to find a relationship. Use it to find a date. Just one date. Base your decision to email someone or respond on whether or not you could see yourself spending an hour or two talking. That’s it. You won’t know if they’re relationship material or know what they’re really looking for until you meet them. Nobody likes to waste their time. I get that. But if you’re really looking for a partner, someone you can spend time with and enjoy, you’re going to have to be willing to “waste” an hour or so here or there.

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55 Responses to “Why Can’t He Get Any Online Dates?”

  1. Saj Says:

    I’ll be 100% honest.

    Your profile was awesome. You and me would get along great with the nerdy techy stuff and the other interests you mentioned. Only downside is the gym rat stuff (but that’s my personal hang ups) and I have a physical type you wouldn’t quite match but it wouldn’t mean I wouldn’t have gone on a date just to see anyway.

    The only negatives I could see is having someone else in your picture and probably too many mentions of the gym rat stuff. I just picture long talks about calories and protein and let me eat my damn Doritos in peace!

    You could also be attracted to a type who isn’t attracted to your type. Go find the unassuming low key girls rather then the flashy party looking girls or ones who like to go out with the girls listed in their profile. A homebody would be great.

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  2. mari Says:

    My only comment was that it was really long – a lot of information. Maybe my attention span has had it at 10:00 at night but I would shorten it a bit. Only other suggestion and I second Saj is to find a pic of you by yourself. Other than those suggestions, you seem completely dateable (should confess only read 1/2 of profile) so not sure why it isn’t working – if I lived in Canada and was 38, I would write your or respond :)

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  3. Vox Says:

    1/ Having a woman in your profile pic is a turn off. Personally I’d assume you are a swinger and would delete your message right there.

    2/ That you have under the You Should Message Me If section, “Apparently 40 is the new 30 so since I’m not 40 yet, that would make me a sprite 20 something! There’s a taste of my brilliant logic, if you can identify, I think we’ll get along great.
    ” makes me think you only want to date women in their 20s. I’d figure you view me (I am 40) as someone you’d fuck after three dates then blow me off once a 20 something responded to you. So yet again I’d delete you for that. Hell you start off your profile by saying you “feel much younger” than being 38 and that you refuse to believe it… There is nothing wrong with being 38, you are probably the smartest you’ve ever been in your life. You seem to view aging as a negative, total turn off. Delete!

    3/ Drop the gym stuff at the beginning. I’m a gym nut and am very fit so I don’t mind it, but only fellow gym nuts will view that as a positive. The average person will think you are a body perfectionist and no one likes that. Get rid of the shirtless pics, they make you look vain. If you want to put up on, get an unplanned, shirtless action shot of you playing volley ball on the beach or working on a car or something.

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    • hoplessrmantic Says:

      Hoplessrmantic responds!!

      @Vox – Thanks for your comments but I have to respond to some of your points. I accept that you have your opinions but I think you are being a little quick to judge.

      Point 1, if you look at the picture and read the details you’ll understand the context a bit better. That picture scored the highest on the OKC rating thingy so I went with it. Why is it just because I’m with a girl in the picture I’m a dirt bag? What if I was with another guy, does that make me a closet gay?

      Point 2, Do you not have a sense of humor? I’ll admit that it’s difficult to convey humor online or in an email. Things can be taken out of context so easily. I should point out that I have gotten emails pointing out that part as being funny.

      I’m not sure where you got the idea that I am looking for a 20 year old as my profile details on it the age range that I was looking for. I admit that 40 is high for me for the express reason that I would possibly like to have kids some day. 40 years old plus another 5 years of dating and possibly marriage brings her to 45. That equals not having kids of your own. At least as far as I understand it to be.

      Point 3, The gym IS an important part of who I am. I think it’s best to describe who you are in your profile not what you are looking for in someone else. If it’s not something that you are into, that’s fine, I have no problem with that. I find it interesting that if someone explained how they loved to ski every chance they get that that for some reason is looked at as an acceptable activity, but going to the gym is not. I just happen to like lifting weights and pushing myself to achieve something that’s hard to do. I just don’t see the difference. As for the shirtless pic, some like it some don’t, I sure can’t please everyone all the time.

      @Saj – Thanks for taking the time to write. As for my profile picture, I’ll say the same thing I said to Vox up above. You have to read the whole profile, picture comments as well. Also, don’t just assume anything, ever. I don’t go for the flashy party girls at all, just not my type. Nor do I go for the supermodel type either. I’m just not attracted to them. Very very rarely do I ever go to a nightclub. I like down to earth regular everyday girls that are comfortable in their own skin. I’ll take a girl in jeans and a t-shirt over a girl in a dress and a face full of makeup anyday. Yes I am more attracted to physically fit women but everyone has their own tastes, there’s nothing wrong with that. Point is I don’t feel I am going for women that are anywhere out of my league. As for the gym rat stuff. You didn’t notice where I said “I’m not one of those one dimensional gym rats”? Yes the gym is something that I like to do. Is there not something that you like to do? Have you not mentioned it in your profile? I have a hard time understanding why liking to go to the gym is such a bad thing for someones dating prospects.

      @mari – Thanks to you as well on your taking the time to read my super long profile and also for taking the time to come back here and write a response. It’s funny you say it’s too long as I had the same response from someone else BEFORE I shortened it down to what you see there now. Living far apart, I’ve gotten that a couple of times actually. I have received some emails from women that are very interested. Problem is they lived somewhere deep down south, or in another country in Europe. Both would require flying back and forth, which is not very likely to happen in my books. I’m mostly looking for a local girl to take things one day at a time with and see how things progress.

      I understand that I asked for this to happen. I was the one that wrote an email here asking for feedback. But I am seeing something that I wasn’t expecting and that is a lot of assumptions on the part of people reading the profile. I’ll admit that sometimes I am guilty of assuming things sometimes. Most often I assume that the cute girl over there wouldn’t be interested in a guy like me so I don’t take the chance by going over to say hi and introducing myself. I may be right, I may be totally wrong. One thing is for certain though, and I’m going to show my Canadianness here, “you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take” ~ Wayne Gretzky.

      Bottom line, try not to make assumptions about people. Nine time out of ten you are wrong.

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      • DrivingMeNutes Says:

        Holy jesus. The women are telling you how they interpret what you posted. It doesn’t matter what you intended or whether you think you’re hysterical. If they’re not getting it, you should take that as a good sign that other women are similarly not “getting it.” I haven’t looked at your profile but I don’t understand why you would write in for a critique and then get defensive when you get an honest (and an actually fairly positive) reponse. If you’re having trouble online, the women posting above are trying to help you. Just say thank you and be on your way.

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      • PrestoTenebroso Says:

        Yeah, you wouldn’t want to date Vox.

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      • Aldonza Says:

        Take dating advice from women with a grain of salt (and a side of tequila). Not all of us are even aware of why we like one profile (or man) or another.

        I’m not in your target audience, but I think it’s a good profile. OKC encourages more chatty profiles, and I liked that. But you can also feel compelled to share too much. I like that it was upbeat and positive. I also admit that geeks, especially fit ones are my soft-spot. However, if you’re wanting younger women, you need a bit more of a bad-boy edge. Something just a little bit cocky, but stopping short of a glamour-shot of you on a Harley (especially if it’s not yours…ugh!).

        I would leave out the rant on age and open up your age range, even if you are looking for younger. Why? Because age is a knee-jerk issue for almost any woman over 25. I don’t date guys who only date younger even if I am in the range. Why? Because I didn’t want to feel like he was dating me *only* because I was younger. A better approach is mentioning that you want to have kids. Those of us with chronologically-disadvantaged ovaries will usually get the point.

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      • Vox Says:

        Correct, I AM being quick to judge. That is the nature of online dating! We read each other’s messages, glance at the profile, and make a decision. No one ponders a profile to the extent you seem to demand. I gave you an honest list of dealbreakers as I see them, thought that is what you wanted.

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    • Vox Says:

      @presto – yeah! men prefer ball-busting middle aged perfectionists who “intimidate” them, which is why no man will date me. ;-(

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  4. hoplessrmantic Says:

    Hey Moxie,

    Thanks so much for putting my frustrations out there for all to see lol. No really, thanks for writing back to me. I really do appreciate the feedback.

    I understand where you are coming from with the psyche of some of the people on online dating sites. The point about not being available and using it as an ‘example’ that they are trying really hit home as I used to be that exact person. I stopped and asked myself what I truly wanted and came to that same conclusion myself. From that day forward I approached this very differently. I started putting myself out there way more. I wrote and rewrote my profile over and over again. I looked for feedback from loads of people such as yourself. I also started sending out a lot more emails to lots more women that I would have hesitated doing so before.

    As for going outside my league, I really wish you could see the emails that I’ve sent out and to whom I’ve sent them. I’m sure you’ll see that that’s not the case. I made the conscious decision to read the ENTIRE profile, details and all before looking at any pics other than the main profile pic. Like I said in reply to Saj’s comment, “I don’t go for the flashy party girls at all, just not my type. Nor do I go for the supermodel type either. I’m just not attracted to them. Very very rarely do I ever go to a nightclub. I like down to earth regular everyday girls that are comfortable in their own skin. I’ll take a girl in jeans and a t-shirt over a girl in a dress and a face full of makeup anyday. Yes I am more attracted to physically fit women but everyone has their own tastes, there’s nothing wrong with that.”

    As for the advice you gave to the other woman, it was great advice and I do indeed do exactly what you’ve described. The problem is I just don’t get a lot of responses to take advantage of meeting in person, if even only for an hour. In fact, just a couple of weeks ago I met a girl for a coffee. Her profile was good, we had similar interests. I’ll be totally honest in that initially I wasn’t physically attracted to her but I said what the hell, why not meet and see.

    I have learned that profile pics don’t do anyone any justice at all. I’ve also learned that attractiveness increases as the level of chemistry builds. The trick is you HAVE to meet in person to feel that happen. Unfortunately we didn’t really mesh well together. I just didn’t feel that chemistry and I don’t believe she felt it either. That may have been an assumption on my part but I just didn’t feel that vibe coming from her.

    It’s getting late and I’ve babbled on enough already.

    Thanks again.

    H.

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  5. Paula Says:

    I thought it was a decent profile, and to the extent it conveys who you are, obviously I don’t know you, it did come across as relatively revealing.

    For me, leading off with the gym rat thing would probably make me go “next.” Nothing against going to the gym — I do it regularly myself and work with a trainer — but as a woman dating you, I would wonder if you could scale it back in order to have time to date (especially as you also mention it again in the “what I’m doing on Friday night” question.) In that light, I would also dump the shirtless photos, just because I think that they can be intimidating and a little overly personal before you know someone. If you’re not the typical gym rat, tell me why, rather than spending so much time talking about it and showing me pictures that certainly look like it.

    The fact that you’re pondering tattoos and piercings can be intimidating to some people. Again, if they’re part of who you are, and you’re hoping to date people who are similarly “addicted,” then that may not matter, but it does cut down on the pool, as someone without them would probably think they wouldn’t measure up.

    But the biggest red flag to me is that you’ve only checked that you’re looking for “new friends.” If I’m on a dating service, I’m looking for someone who wants to DATE! I have plenty of friends in my life, and am not looking for new heterosexual guy friends through an online dating service. (Some may end up in the friend zone anyway, but that’s due to the natural progression of dating).

    There are other places to find casual sex and “short-term dating,” which as Moxie pointed out recently, is just casual sex multiple times. There are a surprisingly large number of people who use OKC not to date, but consider it a social outlet or way to build their community. That’s great for them, but it’s not something I’m interested in.

    Finally, the “you should message me if” section is a little bland — you haven’t given me a very specific reason to do that…doesn’t everyone think they’re a cool person? The guys I end up messaging usually say something fairly specific here that’s not something that every woman would match.

    It’s not a bad profile, but with a little refinement, I think it will stand out from the pack a little more. And the bottom line is that we all make assumptions when looking at online profiles — we can’t possibly go out with every profile we have access to — but just be willing to recognize that ripped gym bodies, tattoos, and piercings are things that people more commonly make assumptions about, especially when they come through as your strongest passions.

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    • hoplessrmantic Says:

      hey Paula, thanks for catching the ‘new friends’ thing. I didn’t notice that and was set wrong.

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      • Paula Says:

        Some people may have their searches set up for “long-term relationship” only, and so you wouldn’t pop up as a match for them, or would move on if you didn’t say that. Hopefully that helps.

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  6. Laura Says:

    I agree with the gym thing. Mention it once that you really enjoy going and then drop it. You mentioned it a few times and to me it almost seems like you’re trying to brag or something. I know you’re not, it’s just what it seems like to me. You’re profile was also a little long, and when I was single, I did not like reading profiles that long. You can go more in depth about yourself once you start messaging back and forth with someone. Also, drop the “I’m younger than I feel” talk. People will pick up on that from you being in shape and the activities you do. You don’t really need to mention it.

    I think otherwise you’re profile is great.

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  7. joe Says:

    His problem is he is too intense about gym, about meeting someone and about justifying why he is right. Like DrivingMeNuts said, everyone is just trying to help you and you respond back with a 1,000 word response.

    Take it from a fellow bro, Internet dating should only be about 5% of your dating life. If you meet someone, great, if not, you are meeting girls everywhere else. You should go out and meet those girls at your gym. They probably can relate to your gym routine. Just go up to them and say, “hi, how are you doing?”

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    • dimplz Says:

      I was going to say the same thing. He seems like the type of guy who will wind up meeting the woman of his dreams off-line – very gregarious and outgoing.

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  8. Paula Says:

    One thing about OKC to watch out for is that they try to make you have a longer profile by telling you, for example, that your profile is 95% complete, but that you would get a higher score if you expanded the number of words (even if you’ve already answered all the “about me” questions). So they want you to submit a long profile.

    If you’re new to the service, you might think that this is something you have to do in order to finish setting up things, but you don’t. I’m partial to long profiles myself (within reason, of course) but realize that it isn’t necessary and might actually work against you with some people.

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  9. hoplessrmantic Says:

    DrivingMeNutes :
    Holy jesus. The women are telling you how they interpret what you posted. It doesn’t matter what you intended or whether you think you’re hysterical. If they’re not getting it, you should take that as a good sign that other women are similarly not “getting it.” I haven’t looked at your profile but I don’t understand why you would write in for a critique and then get defensive when you get an honest (and an actually fairly positive) reponse. If you’re having trouble online, the women posting above are trying to help you. Just say thank you and be on your way.

    @DrivingMeNutes – Thanks for your comment. I understand what you are saying, I did thank everyone for their input. I’m taking everyones advice but I had to respond to Vox. I just like to discuss things rather than blindly follow the advice of one person.

    Some of the points that were given by Vox made me stop and think about what moxie said in her critique;

    “You come across healthy and emotionally available. And a good portion of the online daters out there..are not. So they’ll read your profile and they’ll find something innocuous about it that renders them unable to date you.”

    Something innocuous like a picture with me sitting next to a girl? Something like a harmless statement written out of clear jest that was read into way too deeply?

    I think, and this is just my opinion, it’s time that some people really ask themselves what it is they really want. It can be scary I know, I did it myself. But it’s something that really needs to be done.

    I took some of the advice like taking the shirtless pics down and cutting out some of the gym references as they were a common theme among many people commenting.

    Thanks to everyone for their input. Please by all means keep the discussion going. Positive or negative comments are all input and are welcome.

    H.

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    • Paula Says:

      I don’t think it’s a problem to have pictures with a woman in your set of photos (and you have a nice mix of photos with you and other friends, male and female, so we can see you’re a social person), but just not in the profile photo that everyone sees first.

      If someone wasn’t looking closely, they might think she was your partner (there are a lot of self-declared polyamorous types on OKC), and since she’s a friend of a friend anyway, it’s not like she’s an essential part of your life, or exemplifies how you spend your time. (Also the caption might contribute to giving women the wrong idea about you….you were at CES for work, I presume, but by emphasizing Vegas in a shot with women before you talk about CES…it sends things in another direction and makes you look more like a player.) For your profile shot, I would recommend cropping the Tekzilla shot, which is a good quality photo where you’re smiling and have a clear shot of your face.

      One final thing I didn’t notice before…you mention “kissing” twice. For fear of coming across as not emotionally available (I am to the right person), I will say that I’m always a little skeptical about guys who mention that a lot. It’s something that I assume most guys like to do, and whether or not you’re good at it is completely in the eyes (or I should I say the lips?) of the recipient. When I see it too much, I wonder if the guy is going to be overly affectionate or needy, rather than letting those things develop naturally as a true expression of interest. (That, and one of my exes was one of those non-stop kissers who wasn’t that good at it, despite my efforts to suggest improvement without hurting his feelings.) So like the gym thing, you might just want to either mention it once and move on, or come up with something a little more unique.

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  10. Missbu Says:

    Are you really 38?

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  11. hoplessrmantic Says:

    Hey Aldonza, You’re a doll! Thanks so much for your comments. I will definitely think about adding the kids comment. I does make a lot of sense. As for the bad boy edge, alas I find I’m incapable of pulling that one off successfully. I’m just a simple guy that leads a simple life. I’ll do my best to try and ‘badden’ up a bit though.

    H.

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    • Paula Says:

      That’s why I think it was better to take out the tattoo & piercing comments and shirtless photos…those are things that specifically appeal to women looking for bad boys, but then the rest of the profile was more of the “simple guy/simple life” variety.

      As for an edge, I think profiles that emphasize ways that someone is not like everyone else (without being deliberately freaky) attract more attention. I know it seems like making something more bland will potentially appeal to a wider audience, but women get contacted by a lot of guys and want to be with one that has qualities that they’re likely to uniquely match up with.

      With everything you say, think about whether every other guy is likely to be saying the same thing. We know you guys like kissing, massages, sex, and us to be equally comfortable in a t-shirt and jeans AND a little black dress, because almost every profile says so.

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  12. dimplz Says:

    hoplessrmantic :
    Hey Aldonza, You’re a doll! Thanks so much for your comments. I will definitely think about adding the kids comment. I does make a lot of sense. As for the bad boy edge, alas I find I’m incapable of pulling that one off successfully. I’m just a simple guy that leads a simple life. I’ll do my best to try and ‘badden’ up a bit though.
    H.

    Just be yourself. Who you are always seeps out anyway. Why put up a front?

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  13. Saj Says:

    Yeesh! You say you are a good listener but do you really listen or just wait until you can shoot down everything said and try to prove your right. I consider myself a pretty tough girl but if I got an attack/debate like that from a big muscular dude every time he disagreed with me the Sonic Boom could be heard as I exited the building.

    The profile comes off as positive but the chip on the shoulder and ubr defensiveness is there like a cheetah waiting to pounce.

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    • hoplessrmantic Says:

      HI Saj,

      Look I meant no offense with what I wrote. I’m just the kind of person that likes to discuss things. Some would call that arguing, some would call it being stubborn. I call it communication.

      I felt that what I was seeing was knee jerk over thinking and assumptions at work and not a genuine critique of the content. As for how quickly I responded, I never expected the amount of responses that have been coming in. I get that people are going to assume things and realistically, that is what I have to deal with. But deep down I don’t think I would want to be with someone that assumes facts before finding out the truth anyway. So maybe that’s a good thing in some way.

      I expected that there would be some people that would punch holes in what I wrote. There would also be people that I would upset and others I downright piss off. Basically we can’t be everyones cup of tea. It may very well be that I was just not your type to begin with.

      I understand that you didn’t have to say anything at all. You could have just ignored the article all together. But you didn’t I would like to thank you for your input again.

      H

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      • D Says:

        All reactions to online dating profiles are knee-jerk – it’s the nature of the beast. You say you’re not happy with the results you’re getting, so you might want to just take the advice given here instead of arguing it.

        Of course, it’s fair and reasonable to ask for explanations of things you’re not sure about, but you can’t get upset if commenters give you knee-jerk reactions. That’s maximum you can expect from potential dates as well. Tailor your profile to that context.

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  14. JoJo Says:

    I read your profile and the comments! I like that you put witty comments throughout your profile…makes you more “real”. I agree about the pictures. One thing that makes me move on from reading a profile is if there are pictures showing you with other women, or shirtless. I don’t know you and a shirtless guy just seems a little too intimate and intimidating! Also…I applaud you for going to the gym, but unless a girl feels she is in perfect shape, she may feel intimidated and think you are expecting her to be perfect! If you have some quirky funny thing to list in your food or music choices, list it! We like guys with a sense of humor who can make us laugh. At least you didn’t put “Lonely…looking for the last great love of my life” in your profile. We don’t like desperate, sad and lonely guys Keep it upbeat and fun! I think you just need to tweak your profile just a teeeny bit to make it outstanding. Good luck!

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  15. L. Says:

    Moxie’s hit it right on the head. These people aren’t dating as much as you think they are. There is probably nothing wrong with you or your profile. Online dating just doesn’t work well. There are tons of people who have profiles out there and who are ambivalent or who aren’t serious about it … or who are just plain afraid. Find other ways to meet people.

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  16. Bilwick Says:

    I don’t see why the gym-rat thing seems tobother so many people. It’s Truth In Advertising. It is what he is. Women who are thinking “He probably spends too much time in the gym to have a relationship with me” probably wouldn’t be compatible with him anyway. By weeding these women out right at the start, he’s probably saving himself a lot of nagging and bickering about how he allocates his time. In my experience, women tend to have an attitude of “If it’s not with me, it’s against me”– “it” being whatever goal, hobby, vocation or avocation the guy is pursuing. (Guys may do the same thing–although I suspect not as much, since men tend to be more individualistic than woman, but I’m a straight make and have only experienced female nagging and whining.)I know it’s always been an annoyance with me that women seem to like that I keep as fit as I do, but then complain that I’m spending too much time working out when I could be spending that time with them. (And I’m not even what I could classify as a “gym rate.”)I remember the now-defunct fitness magazine STRENGTH AND HEALTH used to profile “Fitness Couples,” a man and woman,often husband and wife, wherein both partners would be gym rats. That always struck me as romantic and my Ideal Relationship. My advice to “hopelessromantic:” hold out for a female gym rat, and you can not only be part of a fitness couple, but save youself a lot of bickering.

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    • hoplessrmantic Says:

      Bilwick,

      Truth be told, this is my ultimate ideal. I have tried in the past to approach women in the gym. Most times however, and I have had discussions on this topic, women at the gym are there to work out and not meet someone.

      Thanks for pointing out my view of not understanding why going to the gym is for some reason a bad thing. You have cleared something up for me though in that it’s not so much my passion that is a problem but is in fact the womans problem not being able to accept it for some reason. Honestly I would no sooner give up my gym routine for any woman than I would give up breathing. It is part of who I am and who I will always be.

      Time to start approaching more at the gym I guess.

      H.

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      • Paula Says:

        Going to the gym is a great thing. It was just when it was mentioned three different times that I started to wonder whether you had any interests besides going to the gym. Mentioning it the very first thing, then that it’s what you’re doing on a Friday night, and that it’s one of the things you can’t live without…plus a shirtless pic that looks like you spend several hours a day there…it’s not necessarily a knee-jerk reaction to wonder if that’s all you do when you’re not working.

        Maybe that’s what you do now because you’re not dating, but I at least want to know that you have something else going on in your life, and that you’re not just saying you’re not a typical gym rat because you know that’s how people are going to react to it.

        If it’s just one facet of your personality, albeit a very important one, someone to whom it’s important, but not the be-all and end-all of her life will still think she has something in common with you.

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  17. Bilwick Says:

    Erratum: I meant, of course, “gym rat,” not “gym rate.”

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  18. L. Says:

    Bilwick … the point is … if they take the gym rat remark that seriously, then they are making an immediate excuse NOT to date him. It’s about the reader being fearful or insecure. How do you equate being a gym rat with being a body perfectionist? You can’t possibly read that much into a dating profile of a complete stranger and know up front that you are not compatible with him. What harm does it do to explore? To exchange a few emails … to speak to someone on the phone … to meet someone for coffee? If it turns out that he is overfocused on physique, you’ll find out eventually! But what if he isn’t? What if he is just passionate about staying in shape?

    In a more general sense, people write tons of things in their profiles. But they are all complete strangers and I don’t think it’s reasonable to make extreme judgements about people just from what they write in their profile.

    Someone writes “I’ve lived in Paris and London” or “I’ve traveled extensively”. Does it sound a little intimidating to someone who hasn’t done as much traveling? Sure. But why not write her anyway? How do you know she wouldn’t be interested in someone who’s traveled a little less than she … it might even be an opportunity for her to travel back to some favorite places with him?

    These are just examples. Same thing holds for tons of things that people put into their profiles.

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    • hoplessrmantic Says:

      L – Thanks so much for sharing your point. That was exactly what I was trying to get across to Vox and Saj. They were eliminating me purely on assumptions that they made within a split second. I’m sure they’re not alone. I am sure there are guys that do this very same thing.

      It is becoming very clear to me that there are more guys that are open minded in the online dating world and not as many women. I get the fact that most women get 10 times as much email as us guys get, if not more, but that doesn’t mean that you should skim over guys profiles like you were reading resumes for a job at Burger King. If you’re tired of going through profiles, take a break from the site. Better yet, go offline instead and do it the old fashioned way. It will take you a lot longer to find out if he has anything in common with you I’ll guarantee you that. This is your life’s happiness we are talking about here. Put some effort into learning about the guy that just put himself out there in front of you and risked rejection at the click of your mouse.

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      • Paula Says:

        hoplessrmantic :
        It is becoming very clear to me that there are more guys that are open minded in the online dating world and not as many women. I get the fact that most women get 10 times as much email as us guys get, if not more, but that doesn’t mean that you should skim over guys profiles like you were reading resumes for a job at Burger King.

        Isn’t that what guys are doing too? Frankly, it appears that most guys who contact me have not read my profile, or even bothered to craft a personalized message (or any message, for that matter). They saw my photo, decided it was attractive enough, and started initiating chat.

        Even though OKC isn’t like EHarmony or Chemistry in doing specific matching, there are some pretty sophisticated matching tools. I think the questions do a pretty decent job, as long as both parties have answered a significant number.

        If a guy has a match score in the 90s or 80s, and has a profile that doesn’t completely turn me off, for some reason, then I’m going to contact him. If he makes the effort to contact me, and has those qualities, I will generally respond back, even if to say I’m not interested. I think I’m much more willing to give a guy a chance than vice versa.

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  19. Ali Says:

    I really liked your profile. I thought it showed your personality without being cocky or intimidating. I kind of agree with the comments that the pictures with other girls should be taken out, only because I think potential dates will look at those pictures and compare themselves and think that’s your type or something. Even with the comments explaining who these girls are you would still wonder a little bit, might be best to take out any hint of suspicion.

    It might be useful to see the e-mails you send and receive and perhaps the types of girls you message. I met my hubby online and he’s totally a tech geek type as well, so I may be biased, but I have no clue why you’re not getting dates. If you were willing to date as far as Nova Scotia I have a tonne of fantastic friends that would definitely be interested!

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    • hoplessrmantic Says:

      Ali – Thanks so much for writing. Nova Scotia is a place I really should visit sometime. Of all the pictures I’ve seen it really seems like a place to unwind and slow down when compared to busy Toronto.

      I’m really not sure about taking down those shots with other women in them yet. I think that’s just a little insecurity kicking in. I myself am really looking for a woman that is sure of herself. One that is not intimidated by friends which happen to be women. It’s like I was trying to point out earlier on, there’s too much assumption going on and not enough fact. The only way to find out facts is to put some effort into finding them. That’s what I am trying to do here.

      I am so happy that you’ve found your guy. The fact you met him online is another example of why I just don’t walk away from this just yet.

      H.

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  20. L. Says:

    D :
    All reactions to online dating profiles are knee-jerk – it’s the nature of the beast. You say you’re not happy with the results you’re getting, so you might want to just take the advice given here instead of arguing it.
    Of course, it’s fair and reasonable to ask for explanations of things you’re not sure about, but you can’t get upset if commenters give you knee-jerk reactions. That’s maximum you can expect from potential dates as well. Tailor your profile to that context.

    While you can sit there and give knee-jerk reactions instead of being curious enough to want to get to know someone better, you’re only hurting yourselves. Because you’re narrowing down your potential field of people, and bypassing some truly wonderful people. You can also say that this is the way internet dating works, and all i’m saying is that’s why … it doesn’t work. Do you dismiss people off so quickly when you meet them in real life and you don’t really know much about them?

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    • hoplessrmantic Says:

      I couldn’t have said it better.

      My sincere admiration.

      H.

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    • D Says:

      While you can sit there and give knee-jerk reactions instead of being curious enough to want to get to know someone better

      He asked for advice about why he’s not getting dates online, not a philosophical discussion about the meaning of dating in general. You can stomp your feet and hold your breath about the fact that people use knee jerk reaction when evaluating online profiles, but it’s not going to change a single thing. The only thing you can change is yourself and your approach.

      I’ve had good luck with online dating, including getting married and a few LT relationships. I know several people who’ve gotten married from online dating. It works for some of us.

      But maybe it doesn’t work for you.

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  21. Speed Says:

    OP, don’t bother too much with online dating. You must see tons of women in the gym. Approach them. Half the guys who go probably already do. And since you are really into the gym, you’re sort of guaranteed they share your outlook there at least somewhat. Who cares if they “are there to work out?” If you go get blown off by one, move to the next. You’re a grown man with a thick skin so that can’t bother you.
    If you approach a certain number of women, a certain percentage of them are going to be receptive. I still do online dating sometimes (can’t beat the percentages there), but like Moxie and many others wrote here, you’ll meet a lot of people who are….problematic. Internet dating…the Internet period…is what it is. It’s not going to bend to our personal logic or morals.
    Trust me, dude: get aggressive offline. The next woman you see that you like, ask her out. Take my advice and in three months your date card will be full.

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    • hoplessrmantic Says:

      Speed – I really liked what you wrote. Thanks so much for that. For the past may years I have really relied on internet dating as the sole method. Most of all my friends are already hitched up so meeting people through friends is not proving to be a viable option anymore. I don’t do bars or nightclubs anywhere near as often as I used to. Nor would I really feel like I would meet someone with similar interests there. I am going to a nice new gym in my area and there are lots and lots of women there. We’ll try this new approach and see what happens.

      Thanks again.

      H.

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  22. pistola Says:

    moxie, can you give an example of what you mean by this: “They’ll make some passive aggressive remark about how different they are, usually comparing themselves to the opposite sex and implying they’re somehow better. Chip on their shoulder alert!”

    I don’t quite get it even after thinking about it some. what would that look like in real life?

    OP, you are 38 and want to have kids. and I gotta tell you that the women I know in their late 20s/early 30s who want to have kids are not looking for guys your age. They’re looking for guys their age because they don’t want to be raising a teenager with a partner in his 50s.

    you may just be dealing with the reality of that just like women do.

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    • hoplessrmantic Says:

      @pistola – That very well may be the case. I may be a lost cause in the kids department. I am curious though how many guys in their 20’s and early 30’s are open to having kids? I don’t think very many from the ones that I know of.

      Just so we are on the same page, are you saying that in your opinion 30-35 is too young for someone that is 38?

      H.

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    • Saj Says:

      cosign. I’m 29 and I’d look for 35 and younger just because we get to grow together at the same milestones at the same time and yes the superficial part of me enjoys a youthful looking man. 28 seemed to be the age of the marrying type of men to start to hunker down and make it happen.

      It may vary from regions but most of my co workers are in their late 20’s and early 30’s with wives and kids. 30’s are fine for 38.

      My reasoning for being turned off by the gym rat stuff is growing up with juice head gym rat brothers who were always on edge and their douche gym rat buddies who would bully the heck out of me. Then I dated another guy who worked out obsessively that he was more vain then developing a personality. I’m not saying that’s you but certain personality types trigger lots of negative emotions for lots of people even if you are their type in other ways.

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  23. pistola Says:

    What I’m saying is that in my personal experience (which no doubt is affected by where one lives, the culture of that place etc.) women in that age range are not looking for a guy who is nearing 40 to have kids with. They are thinking ahead to how old the guy will be when the kid is older. And yes, they are having plenty of luck finding men in their own age range with compatible goals.

    You have to understand, OP, online dating is FULL of guys nearing or in their 40s who didn’t have kids and are now trying to have them. It’s the norm out there. You have an awful lot of competition in that arena.

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  24. UESider Says:

    I didn’t look at the profile, not much to add because I’m a guy and I’m not looking for guys. The advice to not expect too much out of online dating is good however. I call my visits to OKC visits to the “Land of Misfit Toys.” I may be one as well. Also, some cities just aren’t good ones for certain sites. When I lived in the NJ suburbs, I maybe had 1 contact from OKC in a year, when I moved to NYC I get several per month, and that’s women contacting me unsolicited.

    Another thing you want to examine is what are you writing to them- if your profile is ok with a few tweaks, maybe something in the notes is scaring them off, or maybe something as innocuous as that they seem generic and impersonal.

    Some of the advice is good here, the flip side of it is that it invites people to pick apart every nuance. The shirtless picture thing is often mentioned, that probably should go. There is something to be said about a little “mystery.” Let the woman paint you as anything she wants you to be. Giving too much detail and a long writeup about yourself can be a mistake- keep it short and sweet. Remember, you are just trying to get a date. Once she meets you and you meet her than the magic can happen (or not).

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  25. L. Says:

    D :
    While you can sit there and give knee-jerk reactions instead of being curious enough to want to get to know someone better
    He asked for advice about why he’s not getting dates online, not a philosophical discussion about the meaning of dating in general. You can stomp your feet and hold your breath about the fact that people use knee jerk reaction when evaluating online profiles, but it’s not going to change a single thing. The only thing you can change is yourself and your approach.
    I’ve had good luck with online dating, including getting married and a few LT relationships. I know several people who’ve gotten married from online dating. It works for some of us.
    But maybe it doesn’t work for you.

    It doesn’t work for almost everyone – precisely because of the “knee-jerk” judgements that are made by most. And you’re right, it may not change … but two things:

    1) That’s why I told him not to rely on online dating cause it doesn’t work well.
    2) It can change, if people are made to realize that they are hurting themselves … everyone suffers from this rush to judgement … especially the people who do the judging. So it’s in everyone’s self interest to change.

    As for your situation, I don’t know the details, but I am very happy for you. You’re a rare exception. Perhaps you or he were extremely attractive (you really don’t need anything else beyond that to get responses). Perhaps there was something else at play … maybe your age … younger people tend to be more open-minded and have less baggage.

    But there’s nothing he’s gonna be able to do in his profile to cause people to knee-jerk less or rush to judgement less.It’s a societal issue. And you know what? Those same people who knee-jerk are the ones who are there month after month, year after year … and are not meeting anyone. If they are too blinded and lack such self-awareness to realize that they are causing the problem and hurting themselves, they don’t deserve to meet anyone. Certainly not quality people like the OP or many others who get no responses on online dating sites.

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  26. Elle Says:

    For what it’s worth – your profile sounds great to me, and were I living in your area – I’d contact you. And that’s the point really – you’re not going to appeal to everyone, but hopefully to those few who WILL take the time to make contact & hopefully be on the same page as yourself. Perhaps joining external groups of things that interest you as well (like the meetup website for instance) might lead to meeting that special someone off the internet. Best of luck with the search!

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  27. Alan Says:

    Hard to believe you are having such a tough time on line. You have a lot to offer it seems to me. Maybe you are over-shooting and emailing model wannabees looking for looks and bucks and not necessarily serenity . (And you can’t compete there in the bucks department.)

    I would dedicate two weeknights a week away from the gym and toward a spot where you might actually engage in a conversation with a stranger. You only need be out 90 minutes 2hrs tops. A demographically appropriate restaurant with a large bar. Somewhere that encourages interaction. Dress appropriately for your demographic, the place and your intended encountee.

    You need not be intrusive. Someone will engage you with dem hazel eys!

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  28. WH Miracle Says:

    Online dating = disaster for both men and women. Men outnumber women. Women are presented with a grid of ugly. Dudes… Try doing a reverse lookup. Ain’t pretty. Just proves that men aren’t the fairer gender.

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  29. Amanda Says:

    I NEVER NEVER NEVER message guys who have women in pictures with them, unless the caption is something like: “Me And My Sister”.

    Why do you have someone else in YOUR profile picture anyway? I’m supposed to be dating YOU.

    Are you just trying to show that some people think you’re cool enough to hang out with you or something?

    Last time someone messaged me with a girl in their profile picture, it was because it was his girlfriend, and he wanted to have some sort of threesome.

    Also, who are these people you’re messaging? I’m 22, and I get a lot of messages from guys who are 40 and it freaks me the fuck out. You’re not Hefner. Keep that in mind.

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