Name: Snowflake | | Location: Calgary , Alberta |Question: Long time reader since 2004 and I never ever thought I would be writing a question like this to you. Please bear in mind everyone I am trying to be as comprehensive and factual but my head is really not in the right place so if I make errors, I am sorry and will correct as it is pointed out.
My boyfriend of 5 years cheated on me. I found out by sheer accident. As I was getting ready to change for work Wednesday morning this week, I had to move his clothes away from my drawers and by accident lit up the screen on his blackberry where the messages from “her” were on screen. It clearly showed her intents or the flow of conversation between them. How much she wanted him, how good they are together, how that he should sneak away for a quick kiss etc etc, how she should be his girlfriend. She said he should tell everyone she was his (they worked together) I found out yesterday morning she has been (coincidentally) fired from his work for racism.
He says he never crossed the physical line even though he lied to me that he was working late and went to see her instead. I am inclined to believe him because I did the same to my ex-husband, I met a guy in person who I was chatting with online for 5 – 6 months and it was late at night and nothing physical happened either. We sat and talked (which is what my boyfriend said he did, he swears on his nephew’s grave he never touched her).
I am completely broken inside, hurt, devastated, I am barely keeping it together. I moved out yesterday (Thursday). It hurts to be near him, in the same home, it was home to me. I want to turn off the switch for my emotions because this pain is too much.
My boyfriend has had this happen to him by his ex of 8 years (ended in 2000) only difference is she crossed the physical line numerous times.
I am confused, hurt and lost as to what to do how to feel because I am still in love with him.
Nothing in our relationship changed, the sex is still hot (he was intimate with me Friday, Saturday before he saw her Sunday night after which he came to bed and cuddled with me). There was no signs that this was happening.
Any advise or kick in the arse is appreciated. |Age: 33
Okay. You and I have had an offline conversation about this. While his lie about his whereabouts is unacceptable, I think you need to give great thought to how you should proceed. 5 years is a long time. That’s a lot of emotion and energy invested in a life with someone else.
If you believe him that he did not cross a physical line, then I believe him. To be honest, I’d believe him anyway only because this woman sending him these texts sounds dangerous. If they’ve never crossed any physical lines, as he claims, then her messages border on delusional. Obviously the woman has some issues if she was let go from her work position for allegedly being racist. But then, who knows what the real story is there. That could have been a nifty little excuse to just get rid of her because she’s a professional liability. Either way, other people are recognizing that her behavior is a problem. So now you have a woman who appears to be less than together, shall we say, who’s pursuing your partner.
But here’s what is bothering me. I understand how, if you tap a phone or move it, the screen lights up. I believe that. But in order to read texts you have to either a) go to that screen or b) be really, really close to the already open screen to read them. So for whatever reason you decided to read that screen. Why? Where you sensing something? Did you already feel like strange things were afoot at the Circle K? I only point this out because I don’t buy this story that you just “happened” to see his text messages. When people gloss over or embellish or flat out lie about what they consider to be insignificant details, they do it for a reason, and it’s usually a guilty conscience. These little things are usually the threads that, when pulled, make the whole thing come apart.
For a second, let’s examine this from his angle. Possibly volatile woman and co-worker aggressively pursues him. While we’ve discussed the appeal of “crazy girl sex” that some men have, men aren’t totally stupid and driven by their hormones. They know trouble when they see it, especially trouble that can put their job security and relationship at risk. Is your partner the type of man who would risk both his job and you by sleeping with a woman who doesn’t appear to be familiar with the word “restraint?” Does that sound like his typical behavior to you? Maybe I’m giving him and all men too much credit. Totally possible. But there’s the enticing idea of having sex with a woman who’s bawdy and aggressive and one who’s flat out deluded and unpredictable and who doesn’t hide either well.
Here’s what I think might be happening. You said that you’ve committed the same act yourself when you were with your ex-husband. So maybe you’re equating this situation and assuming that your boyfriend must be in the same place emotionally that you were in when you did this? So know you’re assuming this was his way of dealing with a possibly struggling relationship because that’s maybe what was going through your mind?
The fact is, you’ve done this too. Did you want forgiveness for it? Or did you do it hoping to get caught? I think that’s where you need to start. First figure out why you did what you did all those years ago. Then tell your boyfriend that you’re afraid he did this for the same reason.Oh, and forgive yourself for what you did. That’s actually the first thing you need to do. Since you and your ex-husband are no longer together, it was obviously a symptom of something. But that doesn’t mean that the same thing is going on here with this current situation.
If everything else up until this point as been business as usual, no other signs of him detaching in some way, then I don’t think it’s wise to assume that this is the sign of a trend. Of course it does mean that your relationship needs some tending to in some regard. I think many other couples experiences similar blips. Only most of them don’t get caught. You could run away or you could rise to the challenge and end up strengthening your relationship.
I keep trying to reinforce this idea on people….no relationship is ever 100% smooth sailing. Ever. There’s always temptation, always a valley after several peaks. We’re human and we’re weak. All of us. Being in a relationship doesn’t make us impervious or immune to any of that stuff. We’re still exactly who we are before we got with that person.
Let me know how it goes and best of luck.