Why Is She Always Asked To Be a Man’s Mistress?

Name: Diane  | Location: Long Beach , CALIFORNIA |Question: Over the past year, I have been asked repeatedly to be someone’s mistress – by multiple men in different social circles.

So yes, it must be me.  I am only average looking and have a voluptuous body — but I smile a lot.  I am happy and social.

I am looking for someone to marry myself, to fall in love and settle down with – so I am in NO WAY interested in any of these men like that (nor have I ever been – once a cheater on their wife…they would easily cheat on me – basic psychology).  I feel sorry for the wives and I distance myself after this happens.  I am just curious to know….do I have to keep on running?

I learned that I have to be more bitchy and aloof to people….my being nice brings the men to me.  I was told I was too “accommodating” by a guy friend.  How do I change myself so I avoid this dilemma at this age?  I am sick of being a bitch to people.  But is it seriously MY fault if a MARRIED man cannot control himself?  I AM NOT INTERESTED.

Help.  Thank you.    |Age: 36
I learned that I have to be more bitchy and aloof to people….my being nice brings the men to me.

Okay. But being nice also can bring the available men to you as well. So why put on a front and pretend? Do that long enough and you won’t be pretending anymore. You will be bitchy and aloof.  These types of married men are everywhere. I’m not sure you can ever totally avoid being propositioned by one.  It’s not necessarily you or something you’re doing. These sorts of men will hit up pretty much anyone in the hopes one of them will take them up on their indecent proposal.

Notice I italicized that it’s not necessarily anything you’re doing. Since I have no first hand knowledge of how these interactions play out, I can’t say for sure. What I know is that, according to you, this happens frequently. So I do have to wonder if there is something about your demeanor that plays in to this problem. A man doesn’t go from small talk to, “Hey, wanna be my mistress?” While some of these men might be that bold, I’m not sure all of them would be. So it makes me wonder what is being said or going down when you meet these men.

There’s something about your letter that makes you sound like you’re protesting a little too much. If you’re truly not interested and have always had that intention, it seems odd that you would constantly find yourself in these situations. Like I said, it’s hard to totally avoid these men. But if it’s happening often enough for you to write in to us, then I’m thinking you’re participating in the outcome somehow. Maybe not intentionally, but you’re the only common denominator.

But is it seriously MY fault if a MARRIED man cannot control himself?  I AM NOT INTERESTED.

What I hear in your later is feigned indignation and confidence. You’re seem to be  trying to convince yourself, not us, that you don’t want these men. I think what really has you frustrated is that you have actually contemplated being with one of these men, and you feel ashamed of that.You’re frustrated because you feel like this is “all that’s out there” That is not all that’s out there. You have to remove yourself from that environment so you can see that.Find new social circles. If you keep encountering a certain type of person at a particular location, then stop going to that location. Makes sense, right? Stop going back there. Find new activities or get togethers. Go to Meetup.com and find new groups with which to socialize.

So yes, it must be me.  I am only average looking and have a voluptuous body — but I smile a lot.  I am happy and social.

You admit that you are “only average looking” and “voluptuous.” Then you quickly add that you smile a lot. As if you’re qualifying the previous statement. You’re apologizing for being who you are. There’s your first problem. You sound insecure about how you look. That sort of vulnerability makes you a prime target for men looking to cheat, as they assume you’ll be grateful for the attention.

You are who you are, you look how you look. If you don’t like it, you can do things to change it. It’s within your control to some degree. But if you can’t accept yourself for who you are and can’t get to a place where you genuinely like yourself, you will always attract and be attracted to these men. That’s where you need to start. You need to like yourself. If you want to make some changes, do it for you. Not anyone else. That’s the only way those changes will actually have a lasting impact on how you feel about yourself.  The most important change being the type of men you attract and are drawn to. You won’t be looking for approval anymore because you’ll already have it.

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15 Responses to “Why Is She Always Asked To Be a Man’s Mistress?”

  1. Saj Says:

    So it’s pretty much going like “Excuse me madam but I couldn’t help noticing your average yet voluptuous figure. Would you do me the great honor of being my mistress?”

    I’d like more details on how she’s interacting with these guys. I bet she’s being nice and flirty and handsy because male attention is male attention despite not wanting anything more then that. There’s nothing wrong with keeping it polite and curt with married men you just met until you get past that “Is she hitting on me?” stage.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

    • Diane Says:

      I have an average looking face…..but pretty enough to be voted Princess in jr. high….so I dont bark. Voluptuous since I have 0.7 waist to hip ratio….but I dress conservative. When they asked me to be their mistress….it was after I knew them for a while. lol The shortest was probably after a month of knowing each other…..he is the alcoholic husband of a woman I knew…..I have backed away from them both.

      I am not flirting consciously with grandpa or any married man. I am feminine and I appreciate it when a guy opens a door or carries something heavy for me. If you need something kicked really hard, I can do that for you in return?!?! lol

      I just love Movie and I never had a question for them before…..so I thought….this might be it. I ask girlfriends and they say the men are just slime….but they are all happily married now. I am just curious to know how Moxie would answer this question.

      A gal I used to know married the guy who cheated on his wife with her. Then in the end….he cheated on her after they were later married. I see the patterns in others….and it scares me to get married in the first place. I have met some mistresses…..and…..wow. That is NOT what I want to do….but I cannot judge others….I just know that is NOT for me.

      Thanks Moxie. Great information. I appreciate it.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 1

  2. Jaclyn Says:

    You don’t have to be bitchy or aloof. Married men (usually) test the waters to see how amenable a girl might be to a proposition by starting out with very light flirting. So when they say something slightly flirtatious and you giggle or flirt back, they will then try to go further. If they say something borderline flirtatious and you smile cheerfully and ask about their wife or kids they will move on to a more amenable target. You can be yourself and be nice, but firm in your refusal of unavailable men.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 19 Thumb down 0

  3. Kim Says:

    I can really identify with this subject as I am often approached my married men myself. I am very friendly, and I smile a lot and it’s often taken as flirtation by men (married or single). It’s frustrating when married men come onto me, because I find it difficult to reject men, but that just causes them to persist. I do try to ask often about their wife or their family, and sometimes that defuses that defuses the situation but other times these men just take it as a challenge.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 0

  4. Capt. Jack Sparrow Says:

    Marriage is a legal contract, but relationships are much more complex. The rubric of “married” men includes:

    1. Men who are “so-called” happily married, but lack the self-control to limit themselves to one woman for the rest of their lives. You will be his f**k buddy.
    2. Men who are unhappily married, but for whatever reason, cannot divorce their wives. He may be looking for a mistress, or he may be looking for a replacement before leaving “her”.
    3. Men who are unhappily married, and in the process of separating.
    4. Men who have separated, but on the fence.
    5. Men who have separated and are either about to or going through the divorce process.

    Watch out for 1 and 2. 3 and 4 made the decision to separate, but are still not available. 5 might be available, but it depends. these emotional states are not too dissimilar from those of people who are breaking up with a long-time girlfriend. you go through the same emotional issues, it’s just when marriage is involved, there are legal complications and perhaps kids.

    i’d be curious to know whether anyone else thinks there is a difference between dating married men in categories 1-5? red flags all? is it the legal issue or the emotional one or is it a stigma attached to being the “other woman”?

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 1

    • Diane Says:

      Captain Sparrow…..

      “Married” “Separated” “divorced – if under 3 years” and newly broken up with long term girlfriend are ALL RED flags to me! lol

      Hi….it is the person who asked this question.

      I have commitment issues, I think…..so this is why I am not married. I have been asked a few times for marriage……but I was just not ready then. I am ready now. lol

      I am not divorced or separated or whatever…..so I would not date a married man since that would hurt the other woman. This is how I see it. That is not my life experience….so I dont understand why someone would do that anyway. If he cheated on his wife with you…the problem is with HIM. He is not happy….he needs to figure it out for himself. You cannot fix the man….some women think they can do this. I do not.

      I have self esteem….even if it was a bit bruised for a while. It is not a legal thing to me….it is just a wrong thing. You would get emotionally attached to friends….and it is just something i do not want to deal with.

      A stigma? No……I was brought up differently…..but I am glad to know that it is how I put myself out there as a vulnerable female…..vulnerable = weak in men’s eyes.

      Thank you. You have given me another viewpoint.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

  5. Vox Says:

    I think it’s just an age thing. The OP has reached the age in which most people are married, and so it is only natural that a friendly, outgoing woman will end up with married suitors. It used to happen to me a lot, until I got into the habit of always looking for a wedding ring and growing cold at the sight of one. (Before I started looking, I was the type of person who is friendly and slightly flirty with most men, simply because it’s fun.)

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 1

  6. Aldonza Says:

    If you’re being propositioned by attached men out of proportion to the entire group of men who proposition you, then it’s definitely something you’re doing. My guess would be that you feel “safe” with attached/unavailable men and are more relaxed and open with them, which is inherently appealing.

    @Capt Jack
    5. Men who have separated and are either about to or going through the divorce process.

    These guys scare me the most. With the others, you reasonably know what you’re getting. He’s not available. You know it. If you persist, it’s on you. But those guys in the gray area of “separated but not divorced” or even “newly divorced” come off as whole and available, but they usually haven’t processed what’s happened to them. They have no idea what they really want.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 11 Thumb down 1

  7. Bill Says:

    @ 36 and single. You could be the type of women who will only be attracted to a man if he is wanted by another women. This is known as mate poaching. You find men who are attached to be way more attractive than single available men who are interested in dating you.

    All women chased by a different variety of men. You are the one who chooses which men to engage in.

    Study Shows Single Women Prefer to Date Attached Men
    http://www.synergy-pr.com/press/MelissaBurkley,PhD/51/800/0

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 5

    • Diane Says:

      NO……I agree with Aldonza…they are old men who I have a common hobby with….I felt safe with them. I was wrong. There also was another group I was in…..and one guy joked about being a mistress — I was GONE. Not funny…..but in a small community, every body knows everyone.

      I have been hit on since junior high…..this is not new news. I DO NOT want to poach or whatever…. I actually was trying to hit on a friend of one of the married friends…..he is single, brilliant, and dreamy. I thought if I got fatter….no guy would want me…but that was actually the opposite. Growl.

      Read my comment to Capt. Sparrow……I never paid attention to the guys hitting on me….it was not worth my time. But now, since YES everyone my age is married, I am thinking….wow. I need to change.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

    • Diane Says:

      Reply 2: OK….I read the study. Um……did you think that the single women might be attracted to the men who are strong enough to be IN A COMMITMENT in the first place? ding ding ding. Maybe the single women were sick of players who will always be “single” — so if a guy is in a committed relationship with someone else…..if and when they break up….then he will be available for another committed relationship.

      That is how I took it. It is all perception.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

  8. DrivingMeNutes Says:

    Men are descpicable creatures – it’s not just you. I agree mostly with Moxie and some of the commenters above, so here’s a slighly different way to look at the situation.

    Let’s say it’s raining out and you’re meeting your girlfriends for drinks at a bar a few blocks away. So, you’re running through the streets getting rained on the whole time. Finally, you arrive, soaked head to toe. Your friends are there but they all seem completely dry for some reason. WTF? You ask “why does it just rain on me?!?” And they say, “No, it rained on us too, we just used our umbrellas.”

    So here too. Let me be clear. I don’t think these guys “proposition” EVERY women they see until they catch a “live one.” But, if they are looking or open to cheating, they will view you as a potential and you, in all your sweet friendliness, are ACTING receptive to their possible intent. This doesn’t mean they’re sensing some insecurity in you. (In fact, they’d be wrong since you say you are NOT ultimately receptive to their propositions.) So, if they were mind readers, they would avoid you not proposition you.

    I think what’s happening is that it’s taking you too long to figure out what’s happening. As some women have said, those women see it coming a mile a way and shut it down before it even starts. They’re using their umbrellas. For whatever reason, you don’t (or refuse to) see it coming – at least not soon enough to not ACT receptive when someone approaches you. So, when you meet a married man, you are your usual friendly self, he interprets that as flirting and believes you are open to the mistress role. You don’t need to become an aloof person. As Moxie notes, that would exclude even the good guys. Use your umbrella.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 26 Thumb down 1

  9. Amber Says:

    Keep being happy and smiling! The world does not need another aloof bitch. That supply is overflowing.

    Try to find situations where you know the men will more likely be single than married. Perhaps when you find that a man is married, gracefully excuse yourself from the conversation, and move on to more promising pastures. You don’t owe anyone anything.

    A married man won’t introduce you to a nice single friend of his, but his wife might. Also, speaking with women gives a man an opportunity to observe you from across a crowded room.

    You’re wise to avoid relationships with men who are otherwise committed. Even if she is unstable, unreasonable, frigid, or all of the above, until he straightens out his poop with her, there’s little hope that his next relationship will avoid those pitfalls.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 10 Thumb down 0

  10. Memoirs of a Single Dad Says:

    The first two thoughts that crossed my mind were similar to other comments – 1) she’s gotta be giving off the signal (ie: men test the waters and she passes the test) and 2) I wonder how she normally dresses? An average, voluptuous 36 year old woman that dresses provocatively will attract the type of man that is not afraid to proposition because a woman’s attire can be a signal in and of itself.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 6

    • Diane Says:

      I was giving off the signal to a single guy who is marriage material. The other men were just there. I joked with them….caught onto their sexual innuendo and was too witty……but maybe they thought it was a green light. Who cares about them? I wanted the younger, handsome brilliant single guy.

      And, I hide my body. I dress pretty conservative….I wear tailored suits to work…..jeans with a sweatshirt/t-shirt or a sweater on the weekends. The bad thing is….one time I was wearing a bathing suit top and I am 34DD. I have an hourglass figure but I try to hide it well.

      I think dressing like a prostitute brings out the worst in men. I agree….but that is not me. I wear grandma SWEATER SETS. lol

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

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