Name: student in italy | Location: Rome , Italy |Question: So I went on what I think was a great first date with this guy here in Italy. A little less than 5 min after we parted ways on the 1st date, he sent me a text saying how much of a great time he had and hoped to see me again soon. I replied telling him that I had a great time too and that it would be great to see each other again.
Two days later he texted me and told me that he would like to see me again, asking if I was free on Wednesday. I told him that I was and to let me know what time we should meet. But I never got a reply to that text! So that Wed morning I texted him asking him if we were still on for that night. He replied saying, “Hey! I actually don’t know yet if I’ll be able to get off work in time tonight b/c we’re having a really busy day at work. Can I let you know in a couple hours? Hope thats okay!”
Couple hours later he texted again: “Damn it, I won’t be outta here in time..I’m sorry. I hope I didn’t cause a problem for you this evening!” (I did reply to that text but just said “ah that’s okay”). This happened 3 days ago and I haven’t heard from him since. I found it so strange that he showed all the usual signs of interest right after the 1st date but now all of a sudden he just seems so disinterested. He didn’t even ask if I was free some other day!
Now, would it be stupid/too forward for ME to text him sometime in the next few days? Or should I just wait for him to contact me (if he ever even does that is). How does a guy even go from acting all interested to the complete opposite in a matter of 4 days? |Age: 21
I found it so strange that he showed all the usual signs of interest right after the 1st date but now all of a sudden he just seems so disinterested.
I wouldn’t say it’s a case of him being disinterested. Just a case of him not being interested enough. Given your age, I’ll assume he’s in his early twenties as well. At that age, many of us were self-absorbed. This guy probably didn’t even realize that he was holding you up from making plans. He was too focused on himself. All of us can be like that at times, even us “Olds.” Sometimes we’re just more concerned with ourselves, our careers, our lives, our wants. We’re our top priority. Anyone else is lucky to come in second or third.
It could be that he didn’t ask you our again because he realized he wouldn’t have the time. Or because he was embarrassed. Or because he just wasn’t as interested as he originally thought. Who knows? You can shoot him a text and suggest a night to get together and see what he says. But if he replies back with the same “I’m not sure of my schedule/Don’t know” then leave it be. Either he’s just far too busy and/or self-absorbed to date anyone seriously or he’s not interested.
Get rid of this idea that you’re being forward by following up or showing initiative. You’re not. You’re asserting the same amount of power that he asserted. It wasn’t forward when he did it, was it? You’re showing interest. That’s perfectly acceptable.
Believe it or not, people’s lives can change on a dime. It’s totally possible that 3 days after this date he met someone else, or found out he needed extra money for something and took on more shifts. Or decided that he didn’t want to be dating anyone. Don’t assume it has to do with you.
The lack of timely replies to his texts make me think he’s just too self-absorbed or busy right now to be dating anyone. That’s not necessarily about you. That’s about him. Right now, he’s caught up in his thing. Which doesn’t make him a bad person. Just “bad” for you in terms of what he can contribute to a relationship.
On the topic of people who are too busy to date, I wanted to share something that a friend of mine said to me via email last week.
I am concerned by some of the traits these guys continually seem to exhibit – this crazy busy-ness that fills their lives to the point that they don’t want/need/care about a relationship. They seem content with going out, spending money, getting laid, moving on. Is it possible (treading lightly here..) that this is a big-city phenomenon and that this is super-urban type A behavior? I mean, I look at divorced guys who are suburban types (maybe dads?) who are less crazy-driven and more comfortable with the settled down lifestyle and looking to find someone special. Emphasis on ‘looking to find.’ Is it possible that the NYC guys are the LEAST likely to be interested in the very thing you are looking for? (a relationship/continuity)
I just want to throw it out there that maybe, MAYBE the NYC dating pool/culture is part of the problem. I think NYC hardens people. (I grew up there and all family is still there, so I am familiar.) There is such a consumeristic mindset, so much overchoice. Again, I just wonder if this is a factor.
Quick example – a client I have just got engaged. Met a friend of a friend from Facebook – he’s a divorced dad of 2, living in a small town, takes care of his paraplegic brother. She has 2 of her own. (They’re both somewhere 36-42, I’m not sure of exact age.) They BOTH said that the other person was “exactly what I was looking for.” Fell in love last year and bam. Engagement announcement yesterday. My point is – they were both LOOKING for the right person to settle down with, NOT to extend the dating/spending/urban glam lifestyle.
Yes, any guy will settle down and stop looking if/when he find the one who blows his mind. But if that is the exception, and not the rule, isn’t it climbing uphill to date with the hope that that might happen, as opposed to guys who are more open/interested in that as a goal?
Or am I even making sense at this point? I know I haven’t articulated this very well. But what I DO know is that you have come such a long way in so many areas, if you STILL aren’t getting the results you are looking for, maybe it IS time to look at the pool you’re fishing in.
Here’s the thing. I grew up in a household where my father worked all the time. 7am in the morning to 8 or 9pm at night, 5 days a week. So, to me, a man who’s crazy busy with work isn’t a bad thing. That’s normal to me. That’s also attractive to me. In the beginning of a relationship it can be a problem, of course, because it can derail things. If someone is making time to see you and go out with you, then that speaks to their interest level. But if it becomes a problem, or makes these people less available, then all you can do is speak up. Either they try to make it work or they don’t. Once a baseline is established, it’s easy to work around a busy schedule. But that baseline, that “normal, needs to be established so one or both parties isn’t analyzing the situation and wondering what the real story is.
I don’t know how you avoid meeting busy people when you live in a big city like NYC or Chicago or DC or Boston. I also don’t understand how someone living in a suburb that has child won’t pose a similar problem. It’s one thing if both people have children. But, being child-free, how will dating someone who lives an hour away who also has a child be any less of a hassle? In the example my friend included, both people had children of their own. So their time was already limited, but in a way that they both understood. That’s why I think it works. Would it have worked as well if one of them did not have children or outside obligations that kept them busy? I don’t know. But I don’t think it would have been smooth sailing.
I don’t think someone who lives in a major metropolitan city can avoid meeting and dating someone who is crazy busy. In fact, I think more often than not that’s exactly the case. You’re meeting people who are not only career-focused, but somewhat self-involved. That’s what happens when you stay single for a long period of time. It becomes more difficult to consider someone else. The ones that truly want a relationship make an effort to change. The ones who don’t, don’t. Those are by-products of living in a city like NYC. Either you can work around it or you can’t.
And, obviously, you have to be able to tell when someone is genuinely busy and someone who is just not that interested and stringing you along. A person who changes their schedule to see you is genuinely interested. Someone who has all kinds of time to write emails and texts, but claims to be too busy to see you? They’re stringing you along. It’s a matter of being able to separate the wheat from the chaff.