How Soon Is Too Soon To Move On?

Name: Crushed  | Location: NY , NY |Question: My ex-boyfriend and I were together almost 3 years and lived together for about 2 years. We broke up just before the holidays. Things had been rocky for awhile so it didn’t surprise me when he told me he wanted to break-up. Today a mutual friend of ours told me that he was in a new relationship. (she was my friend first, friended him while we were dating and never bothered to unfriend him) After we split I defriended him from Facebook so I couldn’t see him or be tempted to look at his Wall. My friend told me she saw a photo he recently posted on Facebook  of a woman that she assumed was his new girlfriend. After taking  a look around at his photos she said it looks like they’ve been together about a month or two. She let me log in to her FB account so I could see the photo. The woman was lying in his bed with his dog on her lap. He and I adopted that dog together and we agreed he’d keep her. Seeing her with the dog bothered me more than seeing her in the bed that he and I shared for 2 years. I feel like he has completely moved on and I haven’t. I started dating again a few months ago. Now I feel like I’ve taken two steps back-wards.  How can he have found someone else so soon?
|Age: 28

 

Ugh. I’ve been there, sister. I’ve picked that same scab and always regretted it. But I’ll tell you this….you will get over him.

Seeing her with the dog bothered me more than seeing her in the bed that he and I shared for 2 years.

I can imagine. Pets are like children to some people. You get attached. And like a Mom who is divorced who sees her Ex’s new girlfriend with her kids, you can’t help but feel territorial.

I want to say it was insensitive of him to post the photo, but I honestly don’t think he gave it much thought. I do think he should have, though. I don’t know. I think I’ve just become more sensitive to keeping certain things private. I’ve seen men post similar photos of themselves lounging in bed on their profiles. It makes them look narcissistic. That’s a “look at me!” photo. Especially if they took it themselves. That sort of personal photo should be kept just that…personal. Private.  A picture of someone lying in my bed, or any bed, even if they’re fully clothed?? Yeah, that constitutes a private moment. There’s an exhibitionist-ish aspect to posting a photo like that makes me uncomfortable.

This doesn’t mean he didn’t grieve the ending of the relationship, too. I’m sure he did, even if it was rough going towards the end. But it ended for a reason. That’s what you have to remember when you feel like this. You literally need to sit down and write yourself a letter from you a year in the future. Make a list and remind yourself what wasn’t working. Every time you feel this way, read it.

Going from one long term relationship to another (if it even is long term) in 4 months a little fast, in my opinion. But if things weren’t going well, it could be that he had a head start on the detaching process. Still, 4 months is pretty quick. For all you know, it’s  a rebound. Or maybe it’s not. Maybe he’s happy. You can’t begrudge him for being happy.

How can he have found someone else so soon?

Maybe he just can’t be alone? Some people are like that. They need to be in a relationship. Nothing wrong with that at all, as long as it doesn’t lead people to jump head first in to something that they ultimately don’t want. I know of a couple men that always seem to be dating someone, even when they’re a couple months out of relationships. What I truly don’t comprehend are people who will stay in a relationship for a long period of time even though it wasn’t the best relationship and caused them angst…and then get in to another relationship a few months after the previous one ended.

What’s keeping you stuck is the fact that you choose to dwell on this guy. It’s so hard to get someone out of your brain. But the more you indulge those thoughts, the more embedded they become. That’s why you just have to stop yourself from thinking about him. I say that like it’s easy. I don’t mean to. It’s a bitch. But I’ve found that when I quickly dismiss certain thoughts from my brain, in a matter of a few weeks, I forget about them entirely.

You have no idea if he’s actually moved on or not. You’re assuming a lot here. Yeah, he’s probably dating someone new.  And he very well might truly care for her and be happy. Or he just might be filling a void. Either way it doesn’t matter. I don’t say that to be dismissive. His motivations, ultimately, are no longer your concern.

You shouldn’t compare yourself to him. If anything, I think taking time to really grieve and move on is better than getting in to something else so quickly. Don’t force yourself to date if you don’t want to. That could end up doing more harm than good.

Oh…and tell your friend to defriend this guy. I’m sure he has no idea who can see his photos and who can’t. But you don’t need any more reminders. And tell her to change the password on her FB account. Because you and I both know that we can’t resist pressing that bruise. ;)

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37 Responses to “How Soon Is Too Soon To Move On?”

  1. chuckrock Says:

    A lot packed into this one. Let me start here: I certainly do not think he has done anything even remotely wrong, whether it be posting a picture of his new girlfriend and his dog or finding a new girlfriend.

    I actually think the person who is most in the wrong here is the friend who hasn’t defriended him. I know I still have about 25 common friends with my ex and it annoys me to no end.

    If you broke up before the holidays and it is now may that means he has had a very long time in guy terms to move on. That doesn’t mean he didn’t love you (at some point) and it doesn’t mean he didn’t hurt when the relationship ended. BUT, he broke up with you – which means he was more prepared to move on than you were and thus it was easier. Also, I still believe the only real way to move on from one relationship fully is to find another one. It is the closeness and the having someone that seems to be the hardest parts to get over, so it shouldn’t surprise when that part gets sought out.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 9 Thumb down 16

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    • wishing u well Says:

      I agree with chuckrock’s opinion, OP, this may be a bitter pill to swallow, but you do not know how long he may have checked out of your relationship emotionally prior to your breakup. So what feels like moving on fast to you may not be for him. I’m sorry that you are going through this, and it’s probably best that you invoke the “Dead to Me” strategy when it comes to him so that you can allow yourself the time and space to fully heal. Remember – you don’t call the dead, you don’t look up the dead, you don’t “accidentally” wander into the neighborhoods of the dead simply because they no longer exist. This is still raw for you, and the last thing you need to see is him with someone else in living color. You’ve got to quit him cold turkey by forcing him out of your head on a regular basis, and eventually your heart will follow as it heals. I wish you well.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 11 Thumb down 1

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    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      I actually think the person who is most in the wrong here is the friend who hasn’t defriended him. I know I still have about 25 common friends with my ex and it annoys me to no end.

      I think we’re past the age where we should expect people to choose sides.

      Maybe it’s just my overall lack of interest in Facebook, but I can’t be bothered to unfriend people. Nor do I do “housekeeping” and go through my block list and unblock people. To be honest, once I friend or block someone, I forget about it. I had a friend from college friend me recently. I had unfriended her awhile ago because her updates were just a series of rants about her ex husband. When she figured out I had unfriended her, she sent me a sarcasm-laced message about it. Some people just can’t handle being unfriended and it causes unnecessary drama. The block list is the same. Once you’re blocked, you’re blocked. I don’t do routine housekeeping of my block list and unblock people. If you’re that willing to forgive, then you blocked them out of some need for drama when you could have just hid them or defriended them.

      If you broke up before the holidays and it is now may that means he has had a very long time in guy terms to move on.

      Yeah. Maybe. That’s unsettling to me, though, because it makes you wonder just how long the man had been emotionally checked out of the relationship before he finally ended things. I don’t know. Posting photos or linking to photos of your new girlfriend or being public about who you’re dating in any way 4 months after you and your ex split just seems cruel. Nobody is saying he can’t move on and be happy. But at least pretend to be respectful of your previous relationship. Nowadays people should be aware of how accessible they make themselves.

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      • chuckrock Says:

        It is going to depend on how often you use facebook, but in today’s world – especially for those of us in my age group and younger – facebook is the primary outlet to keep in touch with friends and family. It is where photos get posted and where plans get made. It is often even now where major announcements like engagements and pregnancies are made. I would venture a guess that the average person in my demographic checks facebook at least once a day, whether it be via phone or computer. With that said, I do not think it is much of ask of a friend to defriend someone’s ex-significant other as soon as they realize it – whether that be because they see a post made by them or another reason. Unless of course they intend on staying friends with that person – which is also acceptable if there was a legitimate friendship formed already.

        Posting photos or linking to photos of your new girlfriend or being public about who you’re dating in any way 4 months after you and your ex split just seems cruel. Nobody is saying he can’t move on and be happy. But at least pretend to be respectful of your previous relationship.

        They broke up and they are no longer friends on facebook. Anything he posts are not for her eyes. The only way she should see them is if she is stalking him (Ie. using a friend’s account to log in and see). There really is not anything cruel about it. It would be cruel if he was flaunting it in her face, but he isn’t really doing that here. Also, doesn’t he have a responsibility to his new relationship? Doesn’t he have a responsibility to show the world that he is happy with who he is with and not hide her from the world. I could easily see a scenario where he refused to put up a picture of the new girl and people claiming he was hiding something or was ashamed of her.

        I think you are also glossing over the fact that 4 months is a long time. I know 4 months out of my relationship I was dating and I was looking for something long term – and I was the dumpee just like the OP. I even had to swallow my pride when my ex brought a date into the bar she knew I always hung out at – basically to flaunt it (ok, my interpretation). But I knew she had every right to be dating and to go where ever she wanted. I had to suck it up and be ok with it…she was moving on.

        Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 11 Thumb down 0

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        • dimplz Says:

          Well, she said they broke up before the holidays so it’s been 6 months. I think long enough to start dating. I see no reason for either of them to mourn for long. Some people don’t have huge issues. They could have just outgrown each other. If people take an exorbitant amount of time to move on after each failed attempt, one can look at years of being alone.

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      • DrivingMeNutes Says:

        Agree with Moxie. For those who are generally opposed to “passive aggressive” behavior, I don’t think there is anything more passive aggressive than “defriending.” The main purpose of defriending is to communicate to that person that you no longer like them. Which of course, is bullshit – what do they say? The opposite of love is not hate; it’s indifference. That is the truth, So, if your purpose in defriending is to keep yourself from obsessing? Do yourself a favor and pop a Zoloft instead.

        “Posting photos or linking to photos of your new girlfriend or being public about who you’re dating in any way 4 months after you and your ex split just seems cruel. Nobody is saying he can’t move on and be happy. But at least pretend to be respectful of your previous relationship.”

        Same idea. People here seem to underestimate how deliberate other people are. Why do you assume people are blundering idiots. They’re not. When you post a picture on facebook, you are aware that other people are viewing it. That’s the POINT. You didn’t accidentally post a picture of your new boyfriend/ girlfriend on facebook. You did it because you WANTED other people to know. Including, perhaps, your exes.

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        • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

          Defriending is just bitchy. It’s like disinviting someone to your birthday party in 5th grade.

          Well, she said they broke up before the holidays so it’s been 6 months.

          The OP said:

          After taking a look around at his photos she said it looks like they’ve been together about a month or two.

          I take “before the holidays” as December. Could be November though. So if it’s now May, and they’ve been together “a month or two” then that’s 3-4 months after the breakup he began posting photos to his FB page. Tacky. Not tacky that he moved on. Tacky that he’s being in any way public about it. And for the shot to be of her “lying in” (as opposed to on) his bed with his dog? Please. I wonder if the girlfriend made him post that photo because she wanted the ex to see it. Either way, somebody wanted somebody to see it.

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          • Dimplz Says:

            Well, I agree they wanted people to see it. Such is the Facebook/MTV generation. Thing is, just because he’s dating someone new doesn’t mean it will last. I don’t think it bothers her that he moved on, but that he found a relationship of any kind FIRST. We all kind of want to be the *winner* after a breakup.

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            • DrivingMeNutes Says:

              It bothers her because she thinks it is public humiliation. Which it is.

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              • Dimplz Says:

                This is like the tree falling in the forest. If no one is there to hear it, it doesn’t make a sound. If her friend would have stayed quiet, which I would have done, she wouldn’t have known. Not sure what it accomplished, except that it reopened an old wound. The guy will have to move on eventually. Most likely, he will marry as well. I’m sorry, but once it’s over, it’s over. He’s exempt from judgement as far as I am concerned.
                My ex had a baby and was married (probably in that order) less than 2 years after we broke up. I found out because I reached out to him. Was I hurt? Yes. Did I ask for it by looking back? Absolutely. Lesson learned: let sleeping dogs lie.

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                • DrivingMeNutes Says:

                  “He’s exempt from judgement as far as I am concerned.”

                  Well, I agree and go one step further. He was justified in his cruelty. She defriended him after a three year relationship? If I were the guy, I’d be just a little insulted by that. Really? We’re not friends anymore? Anyway, for me, it’s not about judging. It’s about correctly analyzing a situation. People will do what they do.

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                  • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

                    She defriended him probably because she didn’t want to be reminded of him after their break up. Believe it or not not everything is about the guy. If he took that so personally that he’s posting photos of his ne gf then he’s a child.

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                    • DrivingMeNutes Says:

                      Well, too bad he’s not here to acknowledge your disapproval. My comment is gender-neutral. Just because she’s a woman, doesn’t mean she gets a free pass for the natural consequences of her obsessive-compulsive behavior.

                      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

          • chuckrock Says:

            OK, so you are his new girlfriend and he refuses to put up a photo of her. How go you react?

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          • Paula Says:

            If it would be fine to share the photo if there wasn’t an ex-girlfriend, then it’s fine to share the photo if there is one. They broke up. It’s not sitting shiva, observing some kind of standard mourning period. Four months is not too long. I was the dumpee in my marriage, and in a new relationship two months later. That was before everyone could use Facebook, but you can bet we would have been sharing photos if we had been on FB then. Not to be “the winner,” but because we traveled a lot, took photos together, and generally posted them to Facebook. That’s what some people do, and if you’re in a healthy new relationship, you’re not spending a ton of time figuring out how the ex is going to react to everything (nor should you.)

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        • chuckrock Says:

          OR you defriend them because you no longer want them to know what is going on in your life.

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        • Stacey Says:

          I had an ex of six months defriend me and my girl friends on facebook,and made his guy friends defriend us as well pretty much the day he broke up with me . Some of them wrote notes apologizing, but said they felt like they had to do it out of loyalty to him, so he could move on completely.

          It felt very extreme- as if the time we spent together was completely erased from the tape of my life. But I think his point to all of us, and maybe to himself, was that the break up was really permanent. Once you do something so drastic, that affects a number of other people, the fear of embarassment or public disapproval if you change your mind, provides an added incentive to stay broken up.

          (In fact, public opinion/reputation is such a powerful thing that I’d be willing to bet that couples who announce a break up on facebook, and defriend each other are more likely to stay separated than couples who don’t.)

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        • Paula Says:

          OK, there is never a reason to defriend anyone. My not-quite-medicated-enough bipolar friend goes through rounds of defriending and pissing people off enough that they defriend him, but that’s what I now associate that with — people with inadequately treated mental health issues.

          Don’t want them to see what’s on your wall? Then you not only have to defriend them, but you have to defriend all your mutual friends, or change your privacy setting so “friends of friends” can’t see what’s on your wall, which is pretty restrictive because you end up checking all sorts of friends’ comments on their friends wall that you don’t know, or looking at photos of them in someone else’s album, and so your friends are all going to want to do the same.

          Don’t want to see what’s on their wall? Don’t go there. Removing temptation doesn’t help — especially if you will go to the lengths of signing into someone else’s Facebook.

          Don’t want to see what they’re posting? Just take them off your wall so their postings don’t show up in your news feed.

          My ex doesn’t want to talk to me or Facebook friend me. That’s his prerogative. But then, his mother shouldn’t have tried to friend me, since even though I did not accept her friend request, I can see anything that’s on her wall any time I want, just by keeping the friend request pending (which it has been for almost two years so I can see photos of my former nieces and nephews). And because the ex and I have one mutual friend (someone I haven’t spoken to in five years), I can see his wall any time I want.

          So go ahead and do the big step of defriending if you want, but it’s purely for drama’s sake, not because it’s any sort of effective at ending contact.

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  2. buddystone Says:

    kind of harsh chuckrock

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    • chuckrock Says:

      how so? I was just giving honest feedback.

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      • Saj Says:

        I have to agree with chuckrock. I moved on fairly fast from a 5 year relationship but the grieving process started long before the goodbye phone call.

        I needed to date to get my self esteem back up there again and feel like there was another chance for me. I think it was 3 months before I found my next relationship and it didn’t make the grieving go away but it made it easier to bear until it took it’s natural course.

        I still have my ex on Facebook though I don’t check it too often. I have the opposite problem where I think I’ve seen just one evidence of one short term girlfriend sense we broke up 4 years ago and I just find that weird. I liked him so why is he failing in that department or is he just overly private and careful to appear single online. Strange strange. But I guess it is better then still being raw and seeing your replacement.

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  3. Mark Says:

    Five years is a lot of investment. So it’s gotta hurt. And in some ways it is like that emotional wound that just won’t go away. As you pointed out, even little things, like a photo of a pet, or a scent, can bring back a flood of memories.

    What will lessen the burden? One idea is the simple passage of time. One way or another, we move on in our lives. Both professionally and personally. Another idea is to focus a little more on those things that make you feel positive about yourself as opposed to dwelling on the past. I’m not saying you’ll ever forget it, because you can’t. Not really. But you’ll be able to put it in the proper place; which is on the very back burner of your life. However, if you still find that after time has passed that you are still thinking about it with the same intensity, then maybe some professional help might be in order to help resolve this issue.

    As for dating during this time. You might want to re-think that a little bit. Because if you are so affected by these memories, then the guy(s) you date will probably pick up on that. I can’t speak for them, but I don’t believe that any guy wants to be compared to a guy in your past relationship. He would be second fiddle to a ghost of memory past. He would be going against smoke that he can’t get a handle on and he wouldn’t win that sort of contest. That would be unfair to both him and you.

    Hope things resolve themselves.

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  4. Crotch Rocket Says:

    “4 months a little fast, in my opinion. But if things weren’t going well, it could be that he had a head start on the detaching process.” My money’s on this explanation. He saw the relationship had ended long before he announced it; many people are able to carry on in that state for months, even years, until something happens–such as meeting their next significant other–that forces their hand.

    While you say it didn’t surprise you when he said he wanted to break up, it was still a surprise that it happened that particular day, whereas he knew it was coming because he was the one who had to convince himself it was over and had to work himself up to actually break the news to you. That may have taken weeks or even months–and during that time, he was doing all the grieving and moving on that you didn’t get to do until after the fact. The dumper always moves on sooner.

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  5. Christy Says:

    Moxie, you’ve said some very smart things & given some great advice here. I’m going thru the same thing as Crushed. I’ve actually done what you suggested – written things down & re-read them when I’m tempted to try and see what he is doing now (I know he is dating someone young enough to be his daughter). It really does work. I’m going to take some of the other advice you’ve given because I am so ready to not think about him at least once a day. Thanks. :)

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  6. dimplz Says:

    It doesn’t matter how long he took to find someone else. It doesn’t change the fact that now that you know, you can truly move on without believing you will get back together.

    We do strange things after breakups to still feel connected to an ex, whether it’s looking at old photos, checking their facebook through friend’s accounts, or asking mutual friends about them. It’s time to purge all if you truly want to move on. He’s no longer a part of your life. I would request that all friends keep any and all knowledge about him from me, and I would quit looking at his fb through your friend’s account. You’ve already spent enough time hurting over it. Any more time and you will be venturing into masochist territory.

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  7. sarah Says:

    There is the possinilty he was seeing her on the sly and that motivated him to leave. In which case he didnt start something so soon; he was already in it which gave him the safety net he obviouly needed to leave the OP

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  8. Trouble Says:

    I’ve been where you’re standing, OP. One of my ex-boyfriends moved directly from my house to the apartment of the girl he was cultivating to fill my shoes. At the time, it hurt like a mofo. I had dreams about the two of them together and thought about it constantly. There is no getting around the brutality.

    Almost 5 years later, I am on the verge of getting engaged to a wonderful guy, and I hear from mutual friends that he’s still jumping from relationship to relationship, dragging his baggage from one relationship to the next, because he’s never spent enough time on his own to actually deal with his personal issues.

    My ex-husband is much the same, I think that in the 6 years since our divorce, he’s spent less than 2-3 months out of a relationship. He’s getting married next weekend to a girl he’s dated less than a year. He simply can’t stand being alone.

    For me, I look at the year I spent before I met my guy as some of the most difficult and rewarding months of my life. Yes, it hurt. Yes, there were times when I felt like I couldn’t and wouldn’t make it.

    But, those months of healing and beginning to work on the issues I have that caused my previous relationships to failed provided the foundation to begin again in a healthy relationship with a guy who is deserving of my love and trust. I still call that time period of aloneness my “long dark teatime of the soul.” I did a lot of therapy, writing, crying, and just being with myself. It was challenging, but had tremendous value.

    Your mission now is to stop looking back, and to start the work (and it is work) of healing your injuries so that you can move forward to a better future. Learn to love yourself again, to be by yourself again, and to fill that hole that is left when a relationship ends with things that you love and enjoy.

    It is difficult to be where you are, but you can use this time to good advantage. What he does now is not your problem. What you do now is everything.

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    • Joe Says:

      You comment is at the right time for me. I’m in the middle of a divorce after 25 years. My wife and I are still on friendly terms (not just our of neccesity for our two teenagers still at home, but once you take away all intimacy and control issues, my wife is quite tolerable in small doses.) For the first time in my 49 years, I’m living alone. Yes, there were times I had roommates that were never around, but I did have roommates. And there were times I was alone, like on extended business trips, but that was always temporary.

      I’m very introverted, but like the company of a few people so this has been hard for me. I started to panic and sign up for dating services and all that, but have been questioning that approach. Your comments reinforced that I needed to learn to live alone before I lived with someone else again. I spent 25 years adjusting myself to accommodate a very demanding, almost borderline, personality and now I need to learn who I am again. I’ll still go on dates (and hopefully get laid) but like you said I need to learn to love myselfe again adn to be myself again. I missed that.

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      • Trouble Says:

        I’m glad it was helpful to you. I realized when I got divorced (after 12 years) that I really hadn’t lived alone–EVER. I went from my parents’ house to my college to living with roommates for several years to marriage. In all that time, i never had time and space to myself, to learn to fill the silence.

        It felt like losing a limb, and having to learn to work around the loss, I was so used to being a part of a couple. It is super hard at first, you will have to build your own support network of friends to spend time with outside of work, etc., and learn to fill your time in your own way.

        The first 3 months or so felt like a huge relief to me, like I no longer had to carry the big weight of a failed/dysfunctional relationship. After that, it just got sad and more than a little lonely, and really hard, and that’s when I started feeling the compulsion to date again, and I got a little scared/desperate feeling.

        Just know–that feeling will pass. Get a good soundtrack of songs, understand that those feelings are temporary, and that it is a part of the process. Knowing that it will eventually pass is helpful, I think.

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    • Erin Says:

      Hi Trouble, I used to read your blog and always loved all your stories about Squirrel and J and your daughter! I am so happy for you that you are ready to be engaged with J! I know you have made a million wonderful memories along the way and I wish you all the very best as you commit your lives and your love to each other! I remember I always told you when I read your stories that you both seemed meant for each other! When LOVE is right there is no better way to live your lives! Congratulations and the best of luck to both of you!!!!!

      As to this post, I agree with the others that her boyfriend probably checked out long before so his moving on was not as fast as it seems. The silver lining to take away should be that now she is free to find the person she is meant to be with and often times people spend years in relationships that go nowhere and then the next relationship moves at lightening speed towards the alter. You never know but I have seen this happen with friends. Also, everyone’s emotional makeup is different in terms of falling in and out of love and how much they invest of themselves. Sometimes people are not as invested as one might have thought and they can move on much faster.

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      • Trouble Says:

        Erin:

        That’s so sweet. :) I always loved your kind comments. I am told that engagement is imminent (in the next couple of months). I guess I’ll join Craig in announcing it here when/if it actually happens. I have to give Cristan and some of the commenters here (crotch, craig, you) a lot of credit. This blog has helped me a lot in the past few years.

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        • Erin Says:

          Trouble, I have always said Friendship is the best basis for a loving happy marriage and through the years it was so great seeing how your friendship deepened into love and now all that is to come for you and J. Do announce your engagement here because I know others will be as happy for you as I am. I know your kids have learned so much from you about what a loving relationship really is and that is a gift that will benefit them their whole lives through. Do you still have your blog? Awhile back I lost my settings so I wondered if you still had time to update. You always were a fantastic writer as well as a wonderful person! Again, all the very best to you and J and your family!!!!!

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  9. Paula Says:

    Two things I learned going through the breakup of my marriage: 1) no one else can tell you how long it should take to get over someone, or how long it should take to be ready for someone new; 2) cold turkey can really suck, but it is the best way to keep from obsessing.

    I had a divorced friend tell me that it would be six months before I would feel myself again, and he had been married twice as long as I had. For me, it was closer to 9 or 10 months instead. In terms of being ready to date again, I was in a rebound situation about two months later, which was in retrospect too soon, but it’s hard to say what the right amount should have been.

    As for staying in touch, despite what my ex said when we were first splitting up, once the divorce was final, he has chosen not to be in touch at all. I’ve been able to do a bit of online sleuthing to figure out some basic details of what’s happening with him (he has moved to the opposite end of the country and is engaged), but I’m much better off when I don’t know anything about him (which I can manage for about six months at a time before I get curious again). Don’t make your friends take sides or defriend him — just tell your friend you don’t want to know anything more at this point, because it’s too upsetting.

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  10. Browser Says:

    Hi there – I’m sorry that this is still painful for you. I know, been there done that… He had left his yahoo messenger up and I saw the conversation between him and his co-worker – that’s when I found out he had been cheating. I grieved over this for a good part of 2-3 years. (We were together for 7 years and lived together 4 of the 7 years.). I had figured out his email password after we ended our relationship. He had checked out 2 years prior to us breaking up. It was terrible to have known his password – I was constantly torturing myself with finding out what he was doing when checking his emails.. .But, I did eventually get over him.

    Honestly, like the previous post – it’s better to have that “he’s dead” attitude. It’s better to not know any more about him because you will end up constantly comparing how you are doing to him. He no longer matters to you. Do yourself a favor and avoid all contact with him – avoid friends who still has contact with him. The last thing you need is for someone to give you an update on what he’s doing.

    Hang in there…. Keep yourself busy don’t waste your time and energy on someone who decided that you weren’t worth their time and energy…. Take care!

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  11. Stacey Says:

    First, not knowing your boyfriend, but some people use facebook as a form of social validation. They post pictures of their lives as to how they want to be seen by others: i.e. look at me I’m in such a happy relationship, I’m so loved, look how hot my girlfriend is, look what a nice car I drive, look how many friends I have, etc. Underneath all that, the actual truth might be far from it.

    For example, I had a friend who went to Thailand for work for three months, and she posted all these amazing looking pictures of her at the beach, having so much fun. I wrote her a note commenting how happy she looked and how awesome her trip must have been, and her response was that actually, it was one of the most miserable trips of her life, she was sick the whole time, and felt alone, and appearances can be deceiving. So if its any consolation to you, just because he looked happy in the picture, doesn’t mean that he is, rather it just means he (or his girlfriend) want people to think so.

    Second, as others have pointed out, some people need to be in a relationship all the time. They feel incomplete otherwise and go from one to the next, trying to fill the empty void inside them, or try to fill the hole that their last breakup has left in their heart. One of my close friends dated a guy for two years, who after they split up, got into a (serious?) relationship with another girl within a couple of months. How did we know? He posted albums of them on facebook, with her family, her friends, at holidays. In fact now he is living with this girl and they even got a puppy together. However, he still reaches out to my friend on g-chat, telling her he misses her and thinks about her, and has essentially told her he still loves her (she was the one to end things). We have also seen his profile on match.com, still active. It’s possible he could j be”logging in for his friends, but he doesn’t actually need to maintain an active profile in order to do that. So it’s almost as if he’s leading two lives, the happy, loving one he has on facebook with the perfect girlfriend, and the actual one, where he feels rejected, and lost inside and is still looking for love and validation in random places like from his ex and from browsing dating sites.

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  12. mari Says:

    I am a HUGE fan of the list (the list of all the things that made you crazy – for your eyes only!!). When you have a weak moment, pull out the list, it will remind you of the things that weren’t good..and how it is better to be alone then to be together and unhappy. Understand the feelings though..it sucks..the solution for me is time, NO snooping, the gym, my friends, work, my kids..and realizing one of these days you will meet someone new.

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  13. marsi Says:

    Dismissing thoughts from your head? you must be a zen master.

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