Is He Being Blue Balled for No Reason?

Originally posted May, 2009 – 58 Comments

Name: John  | Location: Queens , NY |Question: So I’ve been dating this girl for a little over 2 months…. so far no sex. The first few dates we went back to my apartment and did everything up to sex, both of our clothes were off but got cut off at the end. She said she “is not there yet with me”. For the next 3 weeks  we hung out twice a week- no real hooking up, just a little kissing. She told me at one point that we didnt talk enough on the phone (she was a little upset) which was my fault so we ended up talking every day or 2 (she calls me and I call her) and still going out to dinner/drinks twice a week. So fast forward to last night, I asked her where our relationship is going? We go out and talk and have a good time but there’s nothing physical. She said that she understands my situation and needs but is “not there with me yet” and needs to know me better before doing that. She’s not a virgin or anything so its not like shes waiting for a ring. After that conversation I almost feel like my balls were just taken away and now I feel like I’m on the fence here which is a shame because I was crazy about her at first. My thought process now is she’s not comfortable enough with me after 2 months this is never gonna work. Thoughts? |Age: 30


ETA MAY, 2011

There’s this belief floating around out there that the more steps a man takes, the higher the woman’s value. Here’s a good example of how distorted and untrue that theory is. The man who wrote this letter doesn’t appear to be making all these phone calls and extra effort because he wants to. He’s doing it because he thinks he needs to in order to have sex. So if the woman forms or builds her trust on this, then it’s a false sense of trust.Which, to me, is a sign that her hesitancy to have sex isn’t about trust or comfort at all. It’s about her need to believe, whether that belief is based in reality or not, that this man values her.

I can almost hear the conversations she has with her friends.

“He calls me every other day and we talk about our feelings. He doesn’t push me to have sex. He’s such a gentleman. He’s waiting until I’m ready.”

Let’s clear something up. Just because a man isn’t jumping you and ripping your clothes off doesn’t make him a gentleman.  He doesn’t really have much choice, does he? If he pushes, he’s an impatient pig just out for sex. No. To me this approach feels like the woman is trying to create the idea in her head that she holds more importance to the man than she actually does.

ORIGINAL RESPONSE:

I’m not saying she should be putting out after date three. Of course a woman should be allowed to wait until she’s comfortable. But it’s been two months. If she’s not comfortable now, after all the dates and phone calls, then she’s never going to be ready. She’s trading attention from you for heavy petting from her. That’s not how it’s supposed to work.

Bottom line is that we all know within the first couple dates if we’re interested in taking things further. Yes, sometimes it doesn’t happen on the first date, but it should and usually does kick in after date number 3 or 4. If after two months she’s not sure, then that’s a sign that she’s either just not interested or will need constant validation throughout the relationship. She’s looking for the OP to prove to her that he’s not just in it for the sex and that there’s something special about her that keeps him sticking around even though he’s not getting laid.

I really used to think that if it was the right guy and he was truly interested, he’d wait for as long as it took. Uh uh. That’s not the case anymore. Each man has his own personal window for how long he’ll go without getting laid. Guys need sex to feel emotionally connected to a woman. The longer they go without it, the quicker they lose interest.  They’re tired of putting in time on a woman with little to no ROI. Yes, that means time, emotional and financial investment. They may as well get a hooker for all that they spend on dates that leave them back at their place with blue balls.

Let me be clear. I’m not encouraging women to have sex before they feel comfortable. But I am advocating that women be a bit more self-aware and honest with themselves and the guys they date. Two months and she’s “not there yet?” There’s something wrong there. Which is her responsibility, not his.

ETA MAY 2011…

On a separate but related note, here is a recent comment that I thought might raise some interesting POV’s:

Recently I dated a guy for about a month. We saw each other maybe once or twice a week, and we had a blast each time. Since almost all of our interactions (phone calls, dates, emails, etc) were initiated by him. I thought things were going well. Then he sent me an email saying that he didn’t feel the right chemistry between us. I was disappointed, because I felt that we had more in common than anyone else I’d met in a long time. But not for an instant did I think he did anything wrong, or that he owed me anything else. About three weeks after the email, he called me to say that he was confused, because he found himself missing me. I told him I didn’t understand the confusion: Lots in common + enjoying each other’s company – physical chemistry = friendship! And since he didn’t act like a douche at any time, we are now great friends. We’re a great addition to each other’s quality of life. – Maargen


Were you sleeping with him? Because this reasoning from him makes no sense if he was doing all the initiating. the only reason I can think of that a man would pull back after initiating multiple dates – two a week – is because the woman wasn’t having sex with him. Further supporting this theory is his mysterious resurfacing a few weeks later saying “he missed you.” It’s very rare that a man will approach a woman that he once dated multiple times and try to pursue a genuine friendship, especially if he was attracted to her. And I assume he was if he was making so much effort to get together. In your mind, you two are friends. In his, you’re an option. – Moxie

 

If he wanted sex as some sort of “win” for him, then he would have hung around a little longer – things were headed in that direction. As a matter of fact, he ended things when he did because he didn’t want us to start having sex when he wasn’t sure he wanted a relationship (that turned out to be the issue btw. He doesn’t know if he wants to be in a relationship with anyone at all) – Maargen

 

Would a man ever tell a woman to her face that he’s dumping her because she’s not having sex with him?

What’s the likelihood that a man would try to reconnect with a woman he dated for a month in order to pursue just a friendship?

 

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53 Responses to “Is He Being Blue Balled for No Reason?”

  1. Horace Says:

    Women act like sex is some profound gift for which we’re supposed to jump through hoops. Perhaps that were true in primitive times, when procreation was the point and that once monthly ovum was valuable. But it’s 2011 now, and sex is more often about recreation, not procreation.

    Basically I’m saying that “she” would have to be absolutely AMAZING for me to wait 2 months. Absolutely.

    Now before you all get all offended and butt-hurt, I’m not saying a woman should or is obligated to give it up. You have your priorities and need not apologize for it. I’m just saying that per my own personal preferences and prerogatives, I’m not waiting 2 months. I’m a man. I’m not apologizing for it.

    [Bracing myself for the mass of “thumbs down.”)

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 32 Thumb down 4

  2. Maargen Says:

    The first part of this article touches on something that I’ve been wondering about.

    We always hear that women shouldn’t have sex with a guy “too soon”. But how does a woman wait to have sex with a man she’s strongly in lust with? It’s easy to say “wait three months”, but how does a woman fight her desire and her hormones, as well as his?

    In the scenario above I was seeing a few guys. Since I liked being with, and communicated well with one of them more than the others, I was contemplating pursuing a relationship with him.

    He ended things before we got there. But the reason this didn’t bother me more, and that I didn’t have sex with him after 6-8 dates is because I didn’t have to. He didn’t pressure me, I didn’t want to stop seeing the others, and I wasn’t in lust with this guy. He was right to end things: there was really no chemistry from my side – I just liked him. We had fun. We got along well.

    Is this what’s going on with the woman in the OP’s scenario? Maybe she sees this guy as someone she likes, and someone who’s good relationship material, and/or someone who she finds attractive, and “do-able”, but who doesn’t really turn her on in an elemental, primal way? Oh, she’ll probably have sex with him eventually, but the fact that she’s in no hurry makes me think that she’s really not that into him. If they do have sex, she might eventually bond with him physically and emotionally, and they might have a great relationship over time. But right now maybe she’s just not feeling him.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 5

    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      Here’s my question to you Maargen,

      You submitted a letter in April discussing a similar scenario to the one in your above comment. You had been dating a guy a month, you said to him that you like the idea od waking up together, he was making all kinds of plans to take you to a show in Manhattan, etc. But you weren’t “feeling it” yet. Maybe it’s the same guy, I don’t know. But you seem to meet men fairly easily and engage in 4-6 week “things” wherein the man makes all kinds of effort and you become ambivalent about both the sex and the man. Why? What’s up with that? Is it really that you’re not in to the man or is there something else at work here?

      I only ask because I keep hearing stories like this from women. They date men for a month or so and they either hold off on having sex or have it fairly quickly only to decide in a few weeks that they don’t feel the way they think they should feel for the man at that point.

      I;m just wondering what this is about.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 0

      • Paula Says:

        Don’t guys do this too? There are also a bunch of letters from women who recount everything that a guy did in the first couple of months in an attempt to determine whether he was ever truly interested, or was just appearing to be so in order to get laid, or whether his actions indicate that he’s lost interest.

        It seems very common within the first two months of dating someone to be excited at first, and then as you get to know them, realize that you’re not feeling the same way that they do, or one or more things happen to make you realize that you’re not as compatible as you once thought you might be. As for the sex, there are some of us (mostly male, but also female) who would never consider dating someone for very long without the sex, and can still lose interest after having sex if it wasn’t good or it seems like there’s some fundamental sexual incompatibility and/or loss of attraction at that point.

        If Maargen or anyone else was continually getting in things of 6 months to one year, and then pulling up after things started to get serious, it would seem to indicate some sort of commitment issue. But it seems to me that the first couple of months are exactly when people should be figuring out that they’re just not feeling it, before the other person has time to get too emotionally invested.

        Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 10 Thumb down 0

        • chuckrock Says:

          I think Paula hits this on the head. For me the time range is two months. It takes me that long to tell if a nice enough woman is someone that could be long term relationship material. I use that time getting to know her in all sorts of ways, including sexually. If one of the pieces isn’t right for me – whether be the sex or something else- i’ll lose interest and end it.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 0

        • Speed Says:

          4-6 week relationships are actually ideal if one or more of the following applies to you:

          1. You simply enjoy casual sex but nothing more
          2. You are in your 20s
          3. You are hunting for someone no less than “awesome”

          However, if you are looking for something long-term but have instead run through an endless series of 4-6 week relationships into your 30s, 40s, 50s or beyond, it could be time to rethink matters.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 1

          • chuckrock Says:

            Why would anyone search for someone that isn’t “awesome”?

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 2

            • Speed Says:

              Too often “awesome” in America doesn’t just mean someone you are attracted to or even impressed by.
              Rather it means someone who is perfect, or very close to. Ex:

              The Maxim model with the Harvard Medical School degree who is also a good cook and loyal woman (and potential good mother).

              The edgy bad-boy hedge fund manager who speaks 5 languages and spends time off rock climbing and volunteering at soup kitchens but can be tamed by the “right woman.”

              Of course, if you can bring down that sort of prize, fantastic.

              Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0

              • DrivingMeNutes Says:

                So. I guess we know at least one guy commenting here is not an edgy, hedge fund manager who speaks five languages.

                You appear to be critical of people shooting out of their league but you, yourself, are apparently pursuing (and getting rejected by) women who are hot enough to view a billionaire hedge fund manager as a realistic option. I think it says more about the women you chase than women in general.

                Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 4 Thumb down 9

                • Speed Says:

                  DMN throws his usual rotten fruit from his high psychoanalytic armchair (or high chair). No, man, you know I don’t chase women like that.

                  The American pursuit of the “awesome” partner is not an insight I stumbled upon during coffee this morning.

                  It’s something already done to death in media reports, and something regurgitated here for because I’m bored at work.

                  Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 10 Thumb down 0

                  • dimplz Says:

                    You mean like the 20.5 carat ring Kim Kardashian just got and the impossibly tall man who gave it to her? I think some women do allow these rarities to dominate their idea of the perfect partner. It’s what some women really believe a man who loves them will be like. On the other side, there are men who want the sexy pinup. Those are the shallow people like Kelsey Grammer who will trade in that new wife for a younger model, just like he did to Camille.
                    The rest of us are happy with a day on the beach and walk on the boardwalk.

                    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 0

          • Paula Says:

            Anything that is 4-6 weeks long is not a relationship, in my opinion. It’s a trial run. It’s too soon to get exclusive, too soon to be emotionally invested, too soon to really know someone, especially if they’re a stranger who you didn’t know before at all.

            I really can’t see how having a bunch of them is a problem, especially if you’re meeting a lot of people through online dating, speed dating, or other sources that make it likely you’ll be meeting and dating multiple people at the same time. A month ago, I had 6 guys that I could potentially date. Three of them have now dropped off the radar (one by my choice, and two mutually), leaving things to develop with the other three (or two, since one is only someone I would consider as a backup FWB if one of the other two don’t develop into a relationship). I have one yet to meet, but our schedules haven’t clicked.

            What’s the alternative? Stay with people for months and months who you know you’re not compatible with or that into? Not go out on dates with interested people because you’re convinced they’re not “the One” without even getting to know them?

            Maybe the archery champion can hit a bulls eye every time they draw the bow, but the rest of us mortals are probably going to have some misses before we learn to hit the target properly, especially if we haven’t done lots of dating.

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 0

      • Maargen Says:

        I didn’t think there was anything unusual about my experiences, Moxie. I think I do what many of us do: date a few people until one person starts to feel like the right fit.

        Yes – I make friends easily, male and female. I have great relationships with enough people to keep me from ever feeling alone or lonely. I want a committed, monogamous sexual relationship with a man because I don’t do fwb and buying batteries forever is no salution for a healthy sex drive. Never again having sex without a condom is also not very appealing to me, but I won’t have sex without one until I’m in a committed, monogamous relationship.

        The guy I wrote about in April I’m still seeing. We have sex, but we still see each other every few weeks are so, and when I don’t see him I don’t hear from him, so things are not progressing. We are not in a relationship According to him the sex is amazing, and I feel the same on my side. I’ve spent the night at his place and he’s done the same at mine, but now his family is visiting from Israel and he doesn’t want to spend the night away from them. And he says he hates having sex when we can’t spend the night together, so he sets up dates to take me to dinner, to a show, or comes in to the city just to have brunch together.

        Since I’m having sex with this guy, and I’m not prepared to end things with him, I am no longer going on dates at all. I don’t know whether he is or not – nor do I care. Right now, the communication between us isn’t working well for me, and if we can’t resolve that, him seeing other people is not what’s causing a problem. If we do resolve it, we’ll cross the next bridge when we come to it.

        The lapses in communication (I sometimes don’t hear from him for 10 – 14 days) make me suspect that he’s not that into me, so I suggested on two seperate ocassions that we stop seeing each other (I thought maybe he didn’t know how to end something he really didn’t want to be in). He adamantly insisted that he didn’t want to stop seeing me.

        However, the frequency of our communication keeps me from feeling any emotional development with this guy, so i can feel myself losing interest. My strong physical attraction to him has kept me from bailing so far, but a situation with physical or emotional connection, but not both, leaves me feeling bored. If things don’t change soon, I’ll end it; I can’t fake an interest I don’t feel.

        Hope that answers your question, Moxie. Do other people go about things differently?

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 3

        • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

          Sure did. . You’re sleeping with the guy that barely communicates with you, but you’re not sleeping with the guy that take you out twice a week and makes all kind of effort. You’re not dating at all because you’re not ready to give up the bi-weekly sex you’re having with the guy that makes no effort.

          I want a committed, monogamous sexual relationship with a man because I don’t do fwb

          But..you ARE doing FWB with the guy that doesn’t call you but has sex with you every couple of weeks. How do you not see that? You’re not dating that guy. You’re just having sex with him.

          Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 13 Thumb down 0

          • Maargen Says:

            Like I said: I’m not in a relationship with the guy I’m having sex with. I would like to be, but I’m not. To say that right now we’re fwb is accurate. To say that we’re just having sex isn’t exactly the case: although we see each other every couple of weeks, we don’t have sex every time we see each other.

            Since I’ve started actively dating again in November 2010, I’ve met 7 guys online and through speed dating that I went on multiple dates with. 5 of them are now friends. After a few dates, since I never felt the urge to have sex with them, I told them I didn’t see the point in dating anymore. Since they were fun, smart, positive, sociable, attractive, outgoing guys, we still spend time together. We take turns picking up the tab. We don’t have sex.

            One of the guys I met I’m having sex with. Why? Because he turns me on. My strong physiological, biological response to him is specific to him and him alone. I love the look of him, the smell of him, I love the way he feels, we can’t keep out hands off of each other. So I have sex with him.

            You’re saying that I should have sex with some other guy instead, because he “puts in effort”? Is sex supposed to be a reward of some kind? I’m not into him, so I have him stop “putting in effort” as soon as I realize that (after 4 – 5 dates). None of these guys did I stop seeing because I wanted to be with someone else instead. In each case I made the choice to remain single rather than keep dating them (except for the guy who dumped me. I wasn’t sure I was not into him before he called it quits.) This left me free to meet someone who really turns me on.

            I’ve met that person. However, unless we bond emotionally as well as physically, it won’t be a relationship. I’m giving the emotional bond time to develop – if it doesn’t I’ll lose interest and end it. Meanwhile, I’m not trying to analyze him, I’m not judging him, I’m not doubting him. He’s trying to feel his way, just as I am. If he comes to the realization that I’m not what he’s looking for, I hope he’ll end it sooner rather than later. Until then we’re giving it time. And I’m not looking for anyone else.

            What’s wrong with that?

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 2

            • Trouble Says:

              Why are you wasting your time having sex with a man who clearly isn’t interested in you, except as an occasional sex partner?

              Listen, if the guy you’re doing FWB with wanted to have a relationship with you, you’d already know it.

              Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 1

    • Crotch Rocket Says:

      “We always hear that women shouldn’t have sex with a guy ‘too soon’.” Don’t pay too much attention to folks that tell you such bullshit. If it’s the right fit, there’s no such thing as “too soon”. If it’s the wrong fit, it won’t work no matter how long you wait.

      “But how does a woman wait to have sex with a man she’s strongly in lust with?” How? Simple: keep your legs closed. Of course, that begs the question of why you’d want to wait if you’re in lust with the guy.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0

  3. loveliee Says:

    The best advice I’ve ever heard: If a guy likes you, it doesn’t matter if you sleep with him on the first date or the 10th. If he only ever wanted sex, he’ll still leave, no matter what the timing is.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 18 Thumb down 3

    • Kurt Says:

      That is true. However, if he is possibly looking for his wife, having sex with him right away may exclude a woman from being seriously considered as “marriage material.”

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 6 Thumb down 19

      • Teeka Says:

        I sincerely would like to know why having sex with a man right away does not mean that you are “marriage material”? I feel like this attitude is damaging for women. It’s as if you can’t be open, show that you like sex, that you know what you want and still want a serious relationship. Do we have to chose on or the other? It’s the old virgin/whore, tease/slut dichotomy and it sucks.

        Sorry to read so much into your comment, Kurt. Maybe this is not what you meant at all. But your comment did bring up this issue for me.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 1

        • Paula Says:

          No, it is what he meant — it’s one of Kurt’s frequent refrains here. Luckily, most of the other guys who post here disagree with him, as well as most of the guys I know (although there are some with that kind of antiquated attitude.)

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

        • Joey Giraud Says:

          It can be hard to accept that people have feelings that don’t line up with our lofty principles and beliefs. The feeling is simple: if you sleep with me on the first date, then you probably sleep with other men a lot, and you’ll probably cheat on me in the future. This makes you a poor choice for the years of work and effort that marriage means to me.

          Once again, this isn’t a principle, it’s a feeling. A very strong feeling. That won’t just go away because I want it to.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 2

          • Paula Says:

            So, if that “feeling” was prejudice against someone of a different race or culture, would you just throw up your hands and say “it’s a feeling, I can’t help it?” Or would you know it’s wrong and take active steps to disregard it, ignore it, overcome it, or whatever it takes for it not to influence your behavior?

            Why is this any different? That being an antiquated double standard that only women are held to so severely…

            And why is sleeping with a number of partners equated to cheating? I’ve never once cheated on someone, not even my husband when we only had sex something like twice in two years. But there is no reason to be held to the standards of commitment when you’re not in a committed relationship.

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

      • chuckrock Says:

        i disagree Kurt. Aren’t we all looking for someone who we are sexually compatible with (amongst other things)? Why would having sex with me make her less of a candidate? If anything it makes her MORE of a marriage candidate – if the sex was good- because I know she must be pretty into me.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

    • chuckrock Says:

      That is decent advice, but you also risk scaring away someone that does really like you but thinks you’ll never sleep with him because you’ve waited so long.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

      • Crotch Rocket Says:

        There have been many great women who I initially saw as a potential Mrs. Rocket but, because they consistently rebuffed my advances, I eventually lost interest and gave up on them.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

    • Horace Says:

      That’s brilliant. And so why waste all of the time and all of the effort of 10 dates when you can just do it on date 2 or 3 and find out immediately?

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

      • Paula Says:

        I probably will sound like I’m contradicting myself, because I generally want to sleep with someone fairly early on before I get attached to someone with whom I’m not sexually compatible, but…

        Once you start sleeping with someone new that you’re dating and in the process of getting to know, it feels like the male brain shuts down for a while in favor of brain number 2. It becomes all about the sex for a little while. Assuming neither party loses interest and breaks up at that point, if things are not going to stay at the FWB level, it takes some time to bring everything back to the getting to know you part. If all this happens in the 2-month window, then you spend months 3, 4, 5 integrating everything inside the bedroom and out, and you’ll probably have something substantial by month 6 or so.

        So the only reason that I wouldn’t want to sleep with someone within the first several dates or weeks, is if I don’t feel like I know them yet, but think I still want to. If I don’t care as much, then I’ll go ahead and sleep with them and let the chips fall. But it’s the ones where it doesn’t happen right away, where I’m building the friendship first, that I’m more likely to be able to develop something more serious.

        I actually do have impulse control…it’s just that every guy doesn’t really deserve it. And since I’m not a prude or playing games with sex, some guys don’t know what to make of that,

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 1

  4. Kurt Says:

    Moxie, the original post is apparently from May 2009, but I don’t see it on this website. Do you have old posts on a different website?

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

  5. Mark Says:

    This is an old post, but I believe it brings up some good issues. I have to say, I feel for the guy. After all; two months dating, everything but…, she needs to talk more, so on and so on. I’m not advocating some type of three date rule or that’s it type of philosophy. Nor am I suggesting a ‘wait a very long time’ test either.

    Rather, you want to see a natural evolution of the relationship in the physical, emotional social, and other aspects. From both partners. What that means depends on the people involved as well as a timeline. His description sounds increasingly like a guy who is made to jump through hoops. If so, then maybe that’s ok for a kid who is out for some laughs, but here you have a woman who is supposed to be way beyond that stage. I didn’t read where he was pusing the issue, but was trying to be respectful of her position and needs. Is she legitimately comfortable with herself or the state of this budding relationship or is she simply playing a game? I can’t say that it really matters. The upshot is this guy is made to feel like a ping pong ball, and I don’t see where he should be made to feel that way.

    At that point I think he should have laid all his cards out and explain to her what he feels his position is and where he stands. She should do the same. In fact, she should have expressed a little more clearly where she stands and where things are going. Both deserve to know where they see things going. Right after that you can better decide either to stay and see where things go or to move on to someone else.

    Hope he made the right decision.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

  6. Capt. Jack Sparrow Says:

    “However, if he is possibly looking for his wife, having sex with him right away may exclude a woman from being seriously considered as “marriage material.” -Kurt

    I think a sign of a healthy, loving relationship is monogamy and loyalty. Infidelity may be rampant, but I believe it stems from one’s needs and desires not being met in one’s primary relationship. But there’s also an issue of emotional maturity, some may not be ready for an emotionally mature monogamous relationship with anyone. When you love someone, I think you do have a desire to claim them, not in a jealous sense, but in the sense that you don’t want to share the most intimate parts of them. As it should be. Kurt’s comment about “marriage material” is off-base though. You can’t really tell much about a person’s capacity to be physically loyal based on how quickly they have sex with you. Full stop. You can get a sense (albeit not a perfect one) of that by looking at all aspects of their character, how they interact with others, what their past relationships were like, how they started and ended, etc. Jumping to a conclusion on character and fidelity on the basis of how quickly she has sex with you may the conclusion that she’s promiscuous, but it EQUALLY supports the conclusion that she thinks you’re really hot and is really into you and just can’t wait.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 10 Thumb down 2

    • Kurt Says:

      No, it shows that she has low impulse control, and that is not what most men are looking for in a wife. A man might date the woman for awhile, but most will never view that woman as a marriage possibility. I am not saying that a woman should wait three months, but in my opinion, it is a good idea for a woman to at least know the man a little prior to sex.

      I personally do not push for sex right away, but if it happens, it is because the woman pushed for it. I’m not foolish enough to believe a woman who says “I’ve never done this before” and I will judge a woman accordingly.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 5

      • Maargen Says:

        “Low impulse control”??

        Ouch!

        Kurt – are you under the impression that if a woman has sex with you, she’ll have sex with anyone??

        Maybe she’s been saying “no” to plenty of men – because she’s waiting to feel a special connection. If she feels it (finally!) why shouldn’t she follow it and celebrate it? it doesn’t mean she’ll feel that same connection with anyone and everyone she dates!

        Of course she should know him a little prior to sex. Do you think that a woman who has sex with you after a few dates shows poor judgement in her assessment of your character??

        I don’t get it….

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 2

        • Trouble Says:

          Kurt – are you under the impression that if a woman has sex with you, she’ll have sex with anyone??

          Maybe she’s been saying “no” to plenty of men – because she’s waiting to feel a special connection. If she feels it (finally!) why shouldn’t she follow it and celebrate it? it doesn’t mean she’ll feel that same connection with anyone and everyone she dates!

          I don’t buy this story for a hot second. I suspect that if you looked at any pool of women who have had sex on the first date, our total pool of sexual partners is higher, probably by a substantial margin, than women who don’t. And, I’m including myself in that group.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 1

          • chuckrock Says:

            I’m not sure about this. I have only had sex one time on a first date. The sex was amazing but I realized that it wasn’t me so I’ll likely never do it again. Couldn’t the same be true with a woman? She was so attracted to the man that she had sex right away but it isn’t something that she would normally do?

            The woman I had sex with on the first date told me it was the first time she had done it too. I obviously can’t know for sure she was telling me the truth but I tend to believe her because she was only a few months post divorce being finalized. Plus there was definitely some major chemistry when we kissed( which led to the unexpected sex) that she must have felt also.

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

            • Trouble Says:

              I would say that 99% of the time, when a woman says, “I never do this,” she is full of crap. Yeah, she does. But she also feels like it is skanky behavior, and she’s trying to distance herself from it, emotionally and in your mind.

              Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

              • Trouble Says:

                You’re special, Chuck, but you’re not that special. And don’t feel bad, I say the same thing to women. You’re not a magical sex god who has secret powers to make women drop their panties only for him.

                If she’s dropping her panties for you on the first date, those panties have been on the floor before.

                Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

                • chuckrock Says:

                  Somewhere down the line there had to be a first time….no?

                  Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

                  • Paula Says:

                    Yes. I was in relationships for over 10 years, and hadn’t done it prior to that time. If I sleep with someone the first time I meet them, it’s because I’ve decided I don’t really care about getting to know them and letting a relationship develop. If one develops, then all the better, because I know he isn’t likely to have the antiquated views that Kurt and others have.

                    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 0

      • chuckrock Says:

        Kurt, I do not believe you speak for most men on this topic. Please refrain from indicating same.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 2

        • DrivingMeNutes Says:

          Kurt does not speak for all men. But he speaks for some. And, many women like the men for whom Kurt speaks and are glad those men exist. Why? Because, as I’ve said earlier, many women use sex (or withhold sex) as their only means of exerting power. If men didn’t care about chastity, at least in those women’s minds, they would have nothing to offer men. No power. So, they are wedded to this ridiculous idea – the so-called double standard- that all men want sex but prefer a woman that doesn’t.

          That’s what the OP’s girlfriend is up to.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

          • chuckrock Says:

            There is a difference between “all” or “some” and what Kurt says…”most”.

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

  7. beentheredonethat Says:

    I think the problem scenario is that neither people seem to be that into each other! Sure he says he really liked her in the beggining but his tone is quite indifferent. The woman waiting 2 months and a deceleration of physical contact says she’s not attracted to him. For me if it’s someone I really like, I have a really hard time waiting. It’s not going to be on the first or second date most likely but it sure isn’t going to take 2 months unless they’ve been held hostage in the jungle somewhere!

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 0

  8. nombulelo Says:

    the way I c ths thng I think the ur lady is hiding somethng nd she doesn’t want 2 tel u cos she doesn’t wanna lose u cos it seems lyk she cares abt u alot bt it seems lyk somethng happend 2 her in the past nd she cnt b open as yet cos she hasn’t heald bt I thnk u must hold on 2 her,support her til she heals bt bliev me u she wil open up as time goes on jst as long as u support her at al times,she wil trust u mor.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 8

  9. Teeka Says:

    The woman in this scenario sounds flaky and manipulative. She gets naked with the guy and then at the last minute, puts the brakes on?! Are you kidding? That puts her in a dangerous situation (luckily the guy wasn’t a total douche or she could have been persuaded/forced to do something she wasn’t ready to do) and it’s also not fair for the guy. Bottom line: She’s just not that into him or maybe has some sexual hangups. I hope they broke up because they were obviously not right for each other.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 9 Thumb down 1

  10. godsowncrunk Says:

    Girl in OP’s scenario is a flake – consider it lesson learned and two months wasted.

    As for sex expectation in general, if I’m interested in someone it’s not something that stays on the back-burner. I don’t hide my wants and expectations on that end, and if a woman isn’t “ready” for something and keeps pushing it back, I’ll put up with it for a couple weeks, but that’s it, depending on the circumstance, of course. The second I get the sesne that a woman is using sex as a bargaining chip, I’ll push it to the breaking point, one way or the other.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

  11. Mike Says:

    Has the guy asked her what exactly is she needing
    Before she ‘is there yet’? Based on her response he can then
    Make a decision whether this will work for him or not.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

  12. Horace Says:

    Some of you analyze shit waaaay too much. For sure.

    Any man waiting 2 months for sex may need to get his testosterone levels checked. Just because sex isn’t important to [some] women during courtship doesn’t mean it need not be to us. Just because sex isn’t a priority to [some] women during courtship doesn’t mean it need not be to us.

    I like to sleep with a woman AS EARLY AS POSSIBLE because in my mid-30s I now have sexual standards, unlike when I was a younger young man and would indiscriminately rock any pretty “piece of ass” (don’t be offended… that’s how young men think). I want to make sure I’m not wasting an inordinate amount of time on someone who is just not sexually compatible. Chemistry, for me, is priority #1.

    The way a woman wants to be swept off of her feet with romance, that’s what I want with physical chemistry.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 4 Thumb down 6

    • dimplz Says:

      Not sure what you mean by people analyzing too much. Commenting is encouraged and discussion ensues. You seem to be bothered by the discourse that happens around here, and only seem to think that your concrete way of handling relationships is prescriptive to the rest of us. No one is telling you how to choose, but I think it’s pointless to come on a site where topics are frequently analyzed and discussed, while promoting your own ideas in a forum where you’re critiquing the very medium that allows you do to so.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0

    • Maargen Says:

      I’m curious, Horace.

      You say “The way a woman wants to be swept off of her feet with romance, that’s what I want with physical chemistry”

      When you meet a woman you’re interested in, do you go out of your way to sweep her off her feet with romance?

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

  13. Trouble Says:

    I have to wonder why a guy would wait 2 months before raising the subject with the woman, and asking what her beliefs are about sex.

    I’ve always found it slightly awkward to raise the subject, but I still do it. i don’t have sex on the first date (anymore). When I was single again at 39, I was determined to avoid some of the mistakes I made in my 20s, like jumping into relationships with men that I barely knew. So, I started telling men, on the 2nd or 3rd date, that I wasn’t going to sleep with them, not for a while, and what my reasons were for that.

    It’s not a game to me, I can’t have sex and not get attached emotionally. It’s self-care for me to not have sex until I feel ready. That usually doesn’t take 2 months (though it did with my boyfriend and I, Christmas vacations buggered up our schedule because between the two of us, we were out of town for 3 weeks). But it usually takes 8-10 dates for me. Not to figure out if I want to sleep with a guy (I know that on the first date), but to know if I want to get emotionally attached and to see if he is getting emotionally attached to me.

    But, to me, talking about that stuff is really important. And I don’t see that this couple did much of that.

    I mean, as a guy, when no sex has happened for a month plus, how are you not going to raise that subject and ask about it?

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 1

  14. Crotch Rocket Says:

    “Would a man ever tell a woman to her face that he’s dumping her because she’s not having sex with him?” Some guys are crass enough to do that. I just put it down to a “lack of chemistry”. Unfortunately, many women keep pushing for an explanation when dumped (to them) unexpectedly, and eventually I’ll hit them hard with the truth just to make them go away.

    “What’s the likelihood that a man would try to reconnect with a woman he dated for a month in order to pursue just a friendship?” I’ve never “reconnected” with a woman I had dated to pursue a friendship. If I wanted her as just a friend, and believed that were really possible, I would have moved things in that direction immediately. When I “reconnect”, it would be so she understands she won’t be getting more than “friend” attention from me unless she tries to “upgrade” to relationship by offering sex. Not that said upgrade will work, though, since I have no desire for a relationship with someone who plays such childish games.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

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