I wish someone would help me understand why people feel the need to lie about what they want as far as relationships.
MEN,If you just want sex…say thats all you want and make it crystal clear. LADIES,If you want an exclusive committed relationship that will lead to marriage and children say that and make it crystal clear. Why not make your wants, needs and desires known from the beginning so that neither party is wasting their time, money, and energy?
It makes no sense to me whatsoever.
Honestly men you never know, if you tell women that you just want sex some of them (more than you think) will be cool with that. Ladies if you tell men you really want a relationship and stop settling for just sex you will not have to worry about wasting your and the other persons precious time, money, and energy. I get that folks are scared of the other persons reactions, and want to look good with honorable intentions, and want to be able to get what they want without being questioned about it.
But we are all grown adults, why not act like it and tell the damn truth for a change…the whole truth and nothing but. Is it really that serious that we have to lie to people we may not even be seriously interested in and don’t know that well and they don’t know us.
Please please please does anyone have answers on why folks lie about being married, in a relationship, or seperated but not divorced, or knowing they want sex from the beginning and not just saying that etc etc etc……??? |Age: 32
I get that folks are scared of the other persons reactions, and want to look good with honorable intentions, and want to be able to get what they want without being questioned about it.
You just answered your own question. You’re imploring that people act like adults. But to be honest I think you’re the one with an immature view of how people work. I don’t disagree that men could have some success by being honest about just wanting sex. There are women out there who can handle that and who won’t internalize or personalize it. But how do you expect a man to be able to discern between the woman who won’t get offended and the woman who will? How is he supposed to learn this after 1 or 2 dates? And why is it all up to the man to come clean and state his intentions clearly?Have women lost their ability to read situations and stopped trusting their guts?
Maybe it’s me, but I can tell in a couple of emails if not after one meeting that a guy is just looking to get laid. And FYI…if he’s reasonably attractive and he’s on an online dating site….he’s probably just looking to get laid. That’s his driving motivator. Doesn’t mean he’s not open to meeting someone and having a real relationship. He just won’t know that until he’s a few dates in. If you turn down his original overture without making it about how you have to know how he feels or wish to avoid getting hurt and he likes you…he’s coming back for more. It’s that simple. Men don’t take issue with women who don’t immediately jump in to bed with them as long as the woman doesn’t use sex as some sort of biscuit to hold over his head. If a woman says, “This isn’t something I do until I get to know someone” and owns it and doesn’t imply that the man has to “prove” something, then he’s happy to give her some time. It’s when she trots out the “I need to feel that you are XYZ” that he jumps ship. (Unless she’s out of his league, in which case he’ll stick it out for a few dates.)
Why do people lie about being married? That’s pretty obvious, isn’t it? It’s not necessarily a statement about you that you keep meeting these types of people. These people are pulling the same lines and the same shtick on everyone. Not just you. Eventually, somebody will bit and give them what they want. You’re upset, I think, because you think men are looking at you and saying , “Good enough for sex but not a relationship.” You have to understand something. Probably 80% of the women these men encounter will be shuffled in to that category.
Could it be that you’re giving off a vibe? I’m not sure what sort of vibrations we could emit that would make people think we’re vulnerable. That comes more from things we say and do. But I’ll ask you this. Do you often find yourself secretly suspicious of why a guy who looks a certain way is paying you attention or asking you out? If so, that’s a red flag. Look, we all know what our typical pull is. We can all pretend and say there’s no such thing as leagues and all that but…please. When someone out of our typical league pays us attention, I’d say 7 times out of 10, they’re looking for something other than twu wuv. This is why whenever anybody replies to my profile and immediately starts off with how “stunning” I am or how “sexy” I am, I delete it. Unless he’s really, really, ridiculously good looking. Blue Steel. That’s the only time I’ll give someone a few emails to show me his intentions. And they almost always do. People who start things off with effusive compliments are either really insecure or trying to tap in to what they perceive are our insecurities. And might I add this….telling a woman you barely know and haven’t met that she’s “sexy” is offensive and it doesn’t impress me. Maybe this has to do with my background of abuse. It’s possible. The idea that someone that doesn’t know me is sexualizing me makes me feel gross.
Notice I said that these people tap in to what they perceive are our insecurities. I have no doubt that some men contact me strictly because I’m 42 and they assume I’m a little more forgiving or “desperate.” What somebody projects on to us isn’t necessarily reality.
Back to the “why aren’t people more honest” topic.
We’ve learned over time that being honest doesn’t necessarily get us what we want. It might make us feel good to know we “did the right thing” or “didn’t settle” when we’re sitting at home masturbating to whatever porn is On Demand. But it doesn’t make up for the fact that we’re alone. We don’t like to think that we’re settling or compromising or “using” someone. We justify it, and say that there’s more to whatever it is we’re doing with someone or that they know the score or that we’re not responsible for their feelings. So, we’re not just lying to other people. We’re lying to ourselves, too. That’s where it starts, and lying to ourselves is how we get so comfortable lying to others.
Really it just comes down to the simple fact that we didn’t want to be alone. That night, getting someone to blow you or having sex with someone was better than masturbating. Going to dinner with that guy we know either is way more in to us than we are in to them or who we know probably counts us as one of many is better than watching reruns of My So-Called life on Hulu. I wish people would get over this aversion to the word settle, because we all settle sometimes.
We lie to get what we want in that moment.