Why Do People Lie About What They Want?

Name: Breebree | | Location: Washington , D.C. |Question: Why aren’t people honest anymore?

I wish someone would help me understand why people feel the need to lie about what they want as far as relationships.

MEN,If you just want sex…say thats all you want and make it crystal clear. LADIES,If you want an exclusive committed relationship that will lead to marriage and children say that and make it crystal clear. Why not make your wants, needs and desires known from the beginning so that neither party is wasting their time, money, and energy?

It makes no sense to me whatsoever.

Honestly men you never know, if you tell women that you just want sex some of them (more than you think) will be cool with that. Ladies if you tell men you really want a relationship and stop settling for just sex you will not have to worry about wasting your and the other persons precious time, money, and energy. I get that folks are scared of the other persons reactions, and want to look good with honorable intentions, and want to be able to get what they want without being questioned about it.

But we are all grown adults, why not act like it and tell the damn truth for a change…the whole truth and nothing but. Is it really that serious that we have to lie to people we may not even be seriously interested in and don’t know that well and they don’t know us.

Please please please does anyone have answers on why folks lie about being married, in a relationship, or seperated but not divorced, or knowing they want sex from the beginning and not just saying that etc etc etc……???  |Age: 32

 

I get that folks are scared of the other persons reactions, and want to look good with honorable intentions, and want to be able to get what they want without being questioned about it.

You just answered your own question. You’re imploring that people act like adults. But to be honest I think you’re the one with an immature view of how people work. I don’t disagree that men could have some success by being honest about just wanting sex. There are women out there who can handle that and who won’t internalize or personalize it. But how do you expect a man to be able to discern between the woman who won’t get offended and the woman who will? How is he supposed to learn this after 1 or 2 dates? And why is it all up to the man to come clean and state his intentions clearly?Have women lost their ability to read situations and stopped trusting their guts?

Maybe it’s me, but I can tell in a couple of emails if not after one meeting that a guy is just looking to get laid. And FYI…if he’s reasonably attractive and he’s on an online dating site….he’s probably just looking to get laid. That’s his driving motivator. Doesn’t mean he’s not open to meeting someone and having a real relationship. He just won’t know that until he’s a few dates in. If you turn down his original overture without making it about how you have to know how he feels or wish to avoid getting hurt  and he likes you…he’s coming back for more. It’s that simple. Men don’t take issue with women who don’t immediately jump in to bed with them as long as the woman doesn’t use sex as some sort of biscuit to hold over his head. If a woman says, “This isn’t something I do until I get to know someone” and owns it and doesn’t imply that the man has to “prove” something, then he’s happy to give her some time. It’s when she trots out the “I need to feel that you are XYZ” that he jumps ship. (Unless she’s out of his league, in which case he’ll stick it out for a few dates.)

Why do people lie about being married? That’s pretty obvious, isn’t it? It’s not necessarily a statement about you that you keep meeting these types of people.  These people are pulling the same lines and the same shtick on everyone. Not just you. Eventually, somebody will bit and give them what they want. You’re upset, I think, because you think men are looking at you and saying , “Good enough for sex but not a relationship.” You have to understand something. Probably 80% of the women these men encounter will be shuffled in to that category.

Could it be that you’re giving off a vibe? I’m not sure what sort of vibrations we could emit that would make people think we’re vulnerable. That comes more from things we say and do. But I’ll ask you this. Do you often find yourself secretly suspicious of why a guy who looks  a certain way is paying you attention or asking you out? If so, that’s a red flag. Look, we all know what our typical pull is. We can all pretend and say there’s no such thing as leagues and all that but…please. When someone out of our typical league pays us attention, I’d say 7 times out of 10, they’re looking for something other than twu wuv. This is why whenever anybody replies to my profile and immediately starts off with how “stunning” I am or how “sexy” I am, I delete it. Unless he’s really, really, ridiculously good looking. Blue Steel. That’s the only time I’ll give someone a few emails to show me his intentions. And they almost always do. People who start things off with effusive compliments are either really insecure or trying to tap in to what they perceive are our insecurities. And might I add this….telling a woman you barely know and haven’t met that she’s “sexy” is offensive and it doesn’t impress me. Maybe this has to do with my background of abuse. It’s possible. The idea that someone that doesn’t know me is sexualizing me makes me feel gross.

Notice I said that these people tap in to what they perceive are our insecurities. I have no doubt that some men contact me strictly because I’m 42 and they assume I’m a little more forgiving or “desperate.” What somebody projects on to us isn’t necessarily reality.

Back to the “why aren’t people more honest” topic.

We’ve learned over time that being honest doesn’t necessarily get us what we want. It might make us feel good to know we “did the right thing” or “didn’t settle” when we’re sitting at home masturbating to whatever porn is On Demand. But it doesn’t make up for the fact that we’re alone. We don’t like to think that we’re settling or compromising or “using” someone. We justify it, and say that there’s more to whatever it is we’re doing with someone or that they know the score or that we’re not responsible for their feelings. So, we’re not just lying to other people. We’re lying to ourselves, too. That’s where it starts, and lying to ourselves is how we get so comfortable lying to others.

Really it just comes down to the simple fact that we didn’t want to be alone. That night, getting someone to blow you or having sex with someone was better than masturbating. Going to dinner with that guy we know either is way more in to us than we are in to them or who we know probably counts us as one of many is better than watching reruns of My So-Called life on Hulu. I wish people would get over this aversion to the word settle, because we all settle sometimes.

We lie to get what we want in that moment.

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71 Responses to “Why Do People Lie About What They Want?”

  1. chuckrock Says:

    Why aren’t people honest anymore? This implies that in the past people were always honest. This is not true at all. Lying wasn’t suddenly invented in 2011, sorry. People have always lied to get what they want and likely always will. You should stop idealizing the past, because basic human nature hasn’t changed – only the outlets and methods have.

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    • Breebree Says:

      chuck I know people have always lied…but dating isn’t at all what it used to be in the early 1900’s when people showed each other a hell of a lot more Respect….and people respected themselves….
      All these STD’s that are spreading like wildfire weren’t even in existence decades ago..not even in the 60’s and 70’s times of “free love”…even then it was about Real Love…and expressing love..not just sex.
      I hear folks over 50 talk about relationships and love and they are astounded by how much dating and relationships have chnged……for the worst. I just wonder what happened to us as a human race….??
      Why have we over time gotten worse as a people instead of better….Technology has advanced in leaps and bounds and so has our intelligence and book smarts…..unfortunately more and more people are lacking common sense and becoming very spoiled, and like immature children….and what trips me out even more is people don’t see it and we are forever asking the proverbial questions..”why r so many people single” “why is the divorce rate going up” “why can’t men and women get along better in relationships”…..the answers to those questions can be easily summed up in a few words..people are immature and selfish and lack respect and just don’t care anymore….it’s a damn shame.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 12 Thumb down 7

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      • chuckrock Says:

        how much dating and relationships have chnged……for the worst.

        that is a matter of opinion.

        people tend to always think back at times past as ‘the good old days’ and they conveniently forget the negatives that existed. There really is no reason to believe that people are more immature or selfish today than they were in the past.

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        • Bree Says:

          Chuck I know there were bad people since the beginning of time….
          But honestly I think over the centuries and decades folks have lost morals and self respect and just don’t give a damn anymore….stuff folks do now they didn’t do in the time of our grandparents and great grandparents because of moral fiber and caring what folks thought and wanting to do the right thing simply because it was “the right thing”

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      • Joe Says:

        Many of the things you mentioned are changing because we have an increase of freedom. Just because people stayed married x number of years ago didn’t mean they were happy. I have very strong reason to believe that had my grandmother on my dad’s side and an aunt on my mother’s side had lived today, they would have divorced their husbands. But they lived at a time, and in a religion, where you just didn’t do that.

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      • Christina Says:

        Things often seem better in the past, because we weren’t there. The reality is, STDs have been common for hundreds, if not thousands of years- syphilis, anyone? People aren’t getting better or worse; they’re the same as they’ve always been. Many things in our society are far better than they were 100 years ago, and while some things seem worse,a lot of that is magnified by the fact that everyone now has access to the media in a way that was unprecedented. Personally, I’m really grateful to be a woman in this day and age, rather than in say,1500, when I probably would have been burned as a witch for being a smartass. :-)

        People have been lying to and cheating on each other since time began. The world of romantic relationships was simpler in the sense that most people had a lot fewer choices or were forced to marry someone their parents chose- not necessarily better for anyone.

        Divorce skyrocketed when it became easier to get, and people no longer had to stay in unhappy and abusive marriages, something very common in the bad old days,. The divorce rate has in fact declined over the past few years, so I don’t think we’re going to hell in a handbasket just yet. :-)

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        • Bree Says:

          Christina you make some good points…however one reason the divorce rate is declining now is because of the economy and the “its cheaper to keep her” mentality of men and folks not being able to afford divorce, to be a single parent and to keep up the lifestyle they are accustomed to if they are single…….

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          • James Says:

            I think another reason divorce is declining is because people are less likely to get married to begin with. Frankly, in my opinion, that’s a good thing.

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      • VJ Says:

        Bree, You may be many things, sweet, loyal, and lovely. But you also don’t know much history. We had VD 100 years ago. People were aware of it in the teens & 1920’s and were warning the public about it:
        http://www.100yearsofsex.org/posters

        Ditto for the 1960’s and 70’s when some rates for STD’s skyrocket once again. And people were having ‘meaningless’ sex for even longer. Hence the felt need for some ‘shotgun’ marriages as a result. Sometimes the guys just took off and you had single mums all over the place. Yes even way back too!

        The divorce rate has always been high, but it’s actually stable & declining now. It’s the Marriage rates that are falling off a cliff. And I’m betting you were unconcerned about that until very recently.

        So I think you’re a bit confused and disappointed from dating. Which is almost natural. The confusion part is what can be fixed the quickest though. Make certain to be clear about what you want and desire first, and then go searching for it, informing others of that desire and want. That might help too. What also may help is trying to figure out who are the guys/gals who fit that bill better than others. That will save plenty of time too. All too often though our ‘eyes deceive us’, and we’re hooked more on someone’s ‘bitching’ good looks over their decent or good character. Typically, almost every time as a matter of fact. Hence the need to think with your brain & heart as well as feel with your loins when pursuing your object.

        And yeah despite it all, (or because of it), even very honest decedent respectable men will still want to sleep with you. The sexual urge is not typically lacking on most folks under the age of 60 or so. And people having been lying to each other since the dawn of time too. Sometimes even to protect a loved one’s feelings! Cheers, ‘VJ’

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        • breebree Says:

          VJ,
          I know those things have been around for centuries and decades…..but the mentality was different then and the morals of the majority was different then too….if u think I’m wrong ask your great grandparents or someone else’s grandparents and great grandparents…they will tell you all about the differences in people then and now and how certain things then were unheard of are now “the norm”.
          And average looking regular people men and women are players just as much as great looking people…..a persons looks does not dictate whether they will play you or not…don’t let the innocent looking ones fool you…*smile*
          A persons character, morals, personality and how they think and feel determines how they will be in the dating game and in a marriage….how they were raised and their upbringing also plays into this.
          I’ve dated avg looking men and they lie and cheat too……My thing is not so much looks…but I do like a man with sex appeal who is fun and charming. The “sex-appeal and charm” are what get me into trouble and yes I know this and deal with it accordingly….*smile*

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    • Breebree Says:

      this reply is to Moxie or whomever first answered my post.
      My thing is it’s not about offending anyone..it’s about stating how u really feel.
      For ex if a man knows he is Not looking for a relationship with Any woman to me it’s more wrong to lead her on and say everything she wants to hear and “woo” her and jump thru hoops just to “hit it and quit it”
      To this day I don’t understand why men go thru soooo much just to sleep with a woman….I can’t comprehend how it is that serious…..if I was a man I would be able to sleep with whatever woman I wanted to and wouldn’t jump thru hoops to do it. Nor would I just blatantly lie and lead women on…if anything men have more trouble dealing with a woman after the fact after she feels like she’s been played and bs’d.
      Yes telling the truth is hurtful and sometimes does offend people….but at the end of the day I know from personal experience most people RESPECTyou more for being honest and not wasting their time.
      I know I want complete honest from people whether its good or bad…I want to know where I stand. I have a big problem with someone lying to me to spare my feelings….to me that isn’t the person caring about me it’s more about them not wanting to deal with my reaction and being punks and scared of how I may react and being scared of the truth and being cowards…..it’s getting so tired and played out at this day and age…..honestly what do we have to lose by telling folks the truth…..and if u do lose then it probably wasn’t worth having in the first place….consider it a blessing.
      As for women….well women should be honest too….EVERYBODY should be honest about their intentions from the beginning.
      But since we don’t live in a “perfect world” I guess I’m hard pressed to see that ever happen….it’s such a shame.
      What has the world come to……..
      Oh and I’m upset because I get tired of meeting men who lie, cheat and bs and waste my time. I meet them everywhere not just online. And they are all different types and look different…from very attractive to short and average with their personalities goin for them more than anything else.
      As far as who I attract…that I have never gotten….the ways to attract certain types are mostly superficial and physcal….the more attractive and sexy and charming u are the more people u will attract like you…shorter avg looking folks don’t attract many attractive people unless they have money or some type of charm and sex appeal or something big….I understand we live in a very shallow world.
      I do understand your comments Moxie and I thank you for taking the time to answer…however just because this is so….doesn’t make it right.

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      • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

        To this day I don’t understand why men go thru soooo much just to sleep with a woman

        I think the issue is in how you define “so much.” To men who are just looking to hit it and quit it, going on 1-3 dates and spending money isn’t that big of a deal. They’re probably not agreeing to accompanying a woman to a wedding or anything that serious, but they’ll take her out and show her a good time even though they’re just looking to have sex. The idea of having sex with someone new, someone different, is a strong enough draw for them to carry on the charade.

        The other thing to keep in mind is that, in some cases, just because a man decides to end things after they have sex with you doesn’t mean he was just out to get laid. I’d bet a good portion of the time they’ve either decided there wasn’t a future or they weren’t ready to take things further.

        I want to know where I stand.

        And therein lies the problem. I guarantee you that some of the men you’re meeting are blowing you off because you’re expecting too much disclosure and transparency too soon.

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        • Bree Says:

          I see your point Moxie…But u know what…I tell my guy friends all the time…be real with women and DO Not sleep with a woman your not pretty sure your gonna want to be with long-term. Yes that means Wait For It….U won’t die just because u go several months or a year without sex.
          Many of my male friends are always complaining about how after they sleep with a woman she “starts trippin” meaning she starts checking up on them, spying on them, going thru their phone and their things, wanting to know if she is the only one he’s sleeping with and basically if she likes the guy as a person simply wanting to be with him….(which makes sense if your seeing someone and the sex is great and you like the person why wouldn’t you want to spend time with them and get to know them and be exclusive with them)????
          Moxie every guy friend I have and guy I’ve had conversations with has told me damn near every time they have slept with a woman and still tried to “do their thing” ie date and sleep with other women and not put the time and effort into dating that they want ie regular phone-calls, emails, texts, and spending time with them those women have a HUGE problem with it.
          Honestly I think the men are Dead Wrong for sleeping with those women in the first damn place.
          I know all about the “boys will be boys” “men will be men” thing and thats how men are and whatever but regardless that Does Not make it right.
          And if these men know how women are and know that they “got it goin on” and most women will like them and want to be with them all the more and sex will intensify a womans feelings, wants, needs, and desires then why the hell would u sleep with the woman???? That makes no sense to me….lol Moxie the men I’ve had this discussion with don’t even understand why they are the way they are and do some of the dumb azz backwards things they do in relationships (all for the sake of some azz) and at the end of the day they regret sleeping with the woman because she becomes a pain in the azz to them….but yet and still if the sex and pu**y is good they will hit it again and again knowing full well the consequences………
          Moxie I also know men who are honest with women and will tell them straight up they just want sex no more no less and I’ve dated men and been with men just like this…..and I am still good friends with them because I have the utmost respect for them for being honest with me.
          Trust me honest men don’t lose out on anything half as much as people think……
          Guys take a chance and try being completely honest one day….u just might be pleasantly surprised….
          And my advice to men (which I think is good advice) is to just not sleep with a woman until you get to know her well enough to know if you want to take things further with her…if u do then go for it…if not then you will save yourself a lot of headache and “drama” by leaving well enough alone and moving on to someone else.
          And I realize there are women out here who just want sex too…funny thing is they are typically pretty straight up and honest about it from what I hear…..and I realize there are women who may sleep with a man and lose interest…..thing is those types of women are the exceptions…not the rule..

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          • Crotch Rocket Says:

            “if your seeing someone and the sex is great and you like the person why wouldn’t you want to spend time with them and get to know them and be exclusive with them?” Who said those guys liked those women–at least enough to want an exclusive romantic relationship? Especially when said women “starts checking up on them, spying on them, going thru their phone and their things,” etc.? There were several gals I’ve dated who I’d thought had serious long-term potential but, after we had sex, “started trippin'” like that and I cut them loose. I don’t need that drama. If I want to be with you, you’ll know it; if you’re unsure, then either I’m still unsure myself and/or have decided I don’t.

            “I think the men are Dead Wrong for sleeping with those women in the first damn place.” Perhaps, but you’re not the one making their decisions for them. OTOH, a large part of the blame falls on the women who know these men are players and sleep with them anyways in a futile attempt to “tame” or “catch” them.

            “why the hell would u sleep with the woman?” To get laid? Duh?

            “That makes no sense to me” If not, I suspect your sex drive is significantly lower than theirs, so you can’t possibly understand what motivates them to do what they do.

            “just not sleep with a woman until you get to know her well enough to know if you want to take things further with her” And what do you suggest we do for sex in the meantime? Being celibate for years on end might be fine for you, but trust me, it’s not okay with us. Look to the Catholic Church for examples of what happens when you ask normally-healthy men to do that.

            “there are women out here who just want sex too” However, for ever one such woman, there are dozens to hundreds of such men. That’s why honesty is impractical as a solution for the population as a whole, even if it might work now and then in individual cases.

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            • Bree Says:

              Crotch Rocket then if folks need sex like they need water and food they need to be safe and make better decisions about who they sleep with…
              Cause unfortunately folks make stupid decisions when sex is involved and you have single parents of children who are the result of 2 people that got caught up in the moment and wanted to fu** but aren’t responsible good parents and can’t co-parent well together to save their lives…..
              Plus protecting yourself from STD’s….

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        • Bree Says:

          Moxie u could have a point…I probably do want “too much” in some peoples opinions.
          I’m not asking for anyone’s life story or social sec number or if they were molested as a child…lol
          I don’t think wanting to know if a man is married or seperated or in a relationship with someone else, and wanting to know a bit about his sexual history and if he practices safe sex, Especially if he is having sex with me, and wanting to know if he is interested in me and what he wants ie friends with benefits, a relationship, an open relationship, or something that will definitely lead to marriage, and wanting to know the Truth about those things is too much to ask….
          I don’t think expecting a man to tell me if he’s not interested and he knows this is asking too much.
          All I ask for is honesty, respect, and to be treated the way he wants to be treated……damn if I can’t get that whats the point……???? And why even waste 1 second of his time and mine talkin to me in the first place???
          Especially if I am being honest myself.

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          • Crotch Rocket Says:

            “I don’t think expecting a man to tell me [something] is asking too much.” If you’re expecting him to bring it up out of the blue and tank his chances of getting laid, when things are otherwise going well, then IMHO you’re expecting too much. OTOH, if you ask him a direct, non-confrontational question, I think it’s reasonable to expect an honest answer. And, when asked, most men do tell the truth; the woman just ignores it because it isn’t what she wants to hear. However, most women are afraid to ask and just assume the guy is on the same page as they.

            “All I ask for is … to be treated the way he wants to be treated” That’s your problem. We are treating you how we want to be treated. You’re asking for something radically different.

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        • Crotch Rocket Says:

          “The idea of having sex with someone new, someone different, is a strong enough draw for them to carry on the charade.” Or even just to continue having sex with the same person, provided they’re not horrible in bed. They know they have to keep up the pretense of a relationship to keep getting laid, so they do it. That’s not to say they’re not looking for someone better, though, which is why such men have no problem “cheating”: it’s not like they think they’re really in a relationship in the first place.

          “just because a man decides to end things after they have sex with you doesn’t mean he was just out to get laid. I’d bet a good portion of the time they’ve either decided there wasn’t a future or they weren’t ready to take things further.” That’s definitely one possibility, but there are others–and there are a variety of things that could cause him to decide there isn’t a future, including the sex itself. (Though, unless he’s a sexist, hypocritical douchebag, it won’t be because the sex was “too soon”.)

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          • bree Says:

            lol…Crotch Rocket I’ve had a man tell me he only wanted an friends with benefits situation..then after the fact say he liked me enough to be in a relationship with me but did not sleep with women he had a friends with benefits situation with……I asked him so you would be with a woman who refused to have sex with you until she got to know you better or didn’t want to have sex until marriage and he said no probably not because he wants to have sex with the woman before he gets serious with her to know if she’s good in bed or not……
            Men have serious serious issues and are dazed and confused…..it’s like all the know is they for sure is that they want to fu** the rest is hazy and they can’t seem to get it together……

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      • chuckrock Says:

        if I was a man I would be able to sleep with whatever woman I wanted to and wouldn’t jump thru hoops to do it.

        and why do you think it would be so easy for you, when it isn’t that easy for nearly any guy out there?

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        • Bree Says:

          lmao…..Chuckrock it’s not nearly as hard as u think it is hon….Hugh freakin Hefner is still getting ladies under 30 and that old fart is 80 at least…lol
          How easy it is to get women depends on several things: like your looks, how much money and material things you have, how much your willing to spend, your sex appeal, your swag, your self-confidence etc etc etc…..
          I made that statement because being a woman I know woman and how they are and what they want, (essentially)….and for many women it can be a lot. But I know how to appeal to people. I find out fairly quickly and easily exactly what people want and need…and I can give them that ….exactly the way they want and need it.
          Thing is some men don’t want to go thru the trouble and because women do want so much they are like screw it…it’s not worth it….even if she is fine as hell……

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      • Vox Says:

        Why don’t you just date average men instead of wishing to date those “certain types” which i assime means someone more attractive? You are probably average yourself, as am I… as most of us are. That’s what being average is all about.

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        • Bree Says:

          Vox I do date “average” looking men….but my preference isn’t so much for looks it’s with men who have sex appeal and who are charming and witty and funny.
          And those “types” of men have Ego’s just as much as men who look like Tyson Beckford or better or any other male model types.
          I’ve dated men with guts and belly’s but they were cute and sexy and women still wanted them …cause many older women will date a younger man regardles of his looks…young is young…. but those men have Ego’s and lie and cheat and do just as much dirt as if they are fine as hell……

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          • Vox Says:

            If charming men with sex appeal don’t want you, it’s time to accept reality and go for another type. Yes, it really is that simple.

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        • Bree Says:

          And Vox I am not tall…very short..under 5’4 and not skinny I do have curves and I’m no beauty queen or fashion model in the least…but in personality, swag, and sex appeal I’m far from “average”…..*smile*

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          • Vox Says:

            I believe you when you explain what makes you appealing. The men who agree? those are your league. Those who don’t, the ones who aren’t asking you out? Outside of your league. It really is that simple.

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            • breebree Says:

              Vox to me it’s not about being in or out of someone’s league……but simply finding someone you like who likes you….Most folks do not get with someone they are not attracted to in some way shape or form…be it mentally, physically the persons sense of humor, or personality or something…thats just not realistic…would u be with someone who u felt nothing romantic for just because they liked you??????
              People get together for a wide variety of reasons…..sometimes it has nothing to do with personal feelings….sometimes it’s for money, sex, or because a man got a woman pregnant or he felt pressured to marry her or whatever…
              Me I want to be with someone I like who likes me…that simple.

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              • Vox Says:

                If the men you like don’t like you in return, you have two choices: learn to like a different type, or cross your fingers, wait and hope for the best. Just bear in mind that the older you get, the quality of men who like you will diminish. you need to find a balancing point, unless you are lucky. Maybe you need to re-evaluate which qualities score high in your book. I certainly did.

                That said, if you are willing to spend your later years alone rather than be with the type of man you want right now, by all means sit tight and wait to see whether Mr Right will come along. Maybe you will get lucky. Then again, maybe not.

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  2. Mike Says:

    The writer brings out a good point. People by nature love game playing when it comes to dating.

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  3. WO7 Says:

    I can give the OP the answer to one of her questions.

    Why do men not just come out and say they’re only interested in sex once they know they’re only interested in sex?

    Because telling a woman you just want sex results in not getting sex 99.9999% of the time. Irrespective of whether they are or aren’t ok with just having sex. There’s something about hearing it said that suddenly makes it much less desirable then it was previously.

    Also, you probably are often mistaken in thinking that the man knew he just wanted to have sex from the beginning. Most men desire to have sex with someone they’re going on a date with. But figuring out if you really like someone is a much slower process.

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    • Breebree Says:

      true that WO7

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    • amazingg0477 Says:

      I could NOT agree with this more. If the guy brings up sex, it’s a turn-off. If he lets ME bring it up and let me think it’s my idea, I’m so much more on board.

      Case in point – 2 dates. Date #1 mentioned that his place was just a few blocks away several times during the date. Although I was attracted to him, this felt too pushy. Date #2 made no mention of the fact that his house was a few blocks away. Guess who’s house I ended up at?

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  4. pistola Says:

    I’d answer this differently. I think most people don’t really know what they want. Or they want things that are incompatible, unreachable, or unsustainable. How many people do you know who have realistically worked through their wants and needs in ANY area of life?

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  5. Crotch Rocket Says:

    “I wish someone would help me understand why people feel the need to lie about what they want as far as relationships.” People lie because they think it will improve the odds of actually getting what they want, whatever that may be.

    “MEN,If you just want sex…say thats all you want and make it crystal clear.” Correctly or not, we believe that would reduce the odds of getting sex; see above.

    “LADIES,If you want an exclusive committed relationship that will lead to marriage and children say that and make it crystal clear.” Correctly or not, women believe that would reduce the odds of getting a relationship leading to marriage and children; see above.

    “if you tell women that you just want sex some of them (more than you think) will be cool with that.” With the women I’m sure would be cool with that, I do. The question is what to do with the majority who probably or definitely would not be–especially when most of them dangle the “I’ll give you sex if you [pretend to] give me a relationship” carrot in front of us.

    “Probably 80% of the women these [married] men encounter will be shuffled in to that [‘Good enough for sex but not a relationship’] category.” That makes perfect sense. If I were going to put my relationship and my financial security at risk, it had better be worth it, and most women simply aren’t. That says little about whether they’d be interested in dating you if they were single, when they don’t have as much to lose.

    “I’m not sure what sort of vibrations we could emit that would make people think we’re vulnerable. That comes more from things we say and do.” Of course. When we speak of a “vibe”, we mean there’s something about how someone appears and sounds to us that subconsciously tells us who they are, but we can’t put our finger on exactly why we think that. A major part of the PUA community’s schtick is learning how to consciously recognize these subtle cues in others–and how to manipulate the ones you’re sending yourself.

    “The idea that someone that doesn’t know me is sexualizing me makes me feel gross.” I know what you mean by that, and I get it, but at the end of the day that’s a woman’s lot in life. I once read that animals (including humans) divide the world into four categories: things to eat, things to fight, things to fuck, and rocks. As much as you may dislike being seen as a sex object, the other three alternatives are even more insulting.

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  6. sarah Says:

    Maybe it is because I am ten years older than the OP, but I can honestly say that if a guy was honest and said all he wanted was sex I would honestly say to him “see ya, bye”. And that is why a guy just looking to get laid will not be honest about it. Because he knows he will alienate about 95% of women.

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    • breebree Says:

      Sarah it depends on how he ask and how good he looks and how well he can seduce the panties off a woman….*wink*
      Hence why sooooooooooooooo many women will give it up to a musician…lol they have such a way with words.

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  7. Mark Says:

    Why Do People Lie About What They Want?

    Fair enough question.

    For some it might be a matter of self deception. For others it’s a matter of thinking it’s a foot in the door and they will work out the rest later.

    OP, consider where you live. Ask yourself if there is another place that relies so much on spin.

    M

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  8. jeff Says:

    One complication I see in the debates is that sex itself affects what someone wants or is open to.
    If you sleep with a woman earlier, she may be open to something more casual than if you slept with her later. (even if she normally looks for something more serious). In fact, women will often use sex as a reason to decide whether they like a guy or not or what they are open to. I know a girl for instance, who will make a guy court here (i.e. “kiss on the cheek” for first date) but has a friend with benefits that she originally met at a club and hooked up with. On the other hand, I’ve had a woman that wanted something casual that after a while of hooking up decided she wants more. That is not unusual.
    On the flip side, the time after sex is often when a guy really knows how much he actually likes a girl.
    I also have had surprises where I’ve started to like a girl a lot more than I expected.

    Secondly, women have a ton of pressure to present the pretense that they don’t want sex or that they are looking for something traditional. So even if she wants something casual, she may not consciously admit it, even to herself. Plus she doesn’t want to feel easy, That means that there is pressure to turn down more direct advances. That of course leaves communicating either message a little trickier.
    That brings me to my last point: being being honest doesn’t necessarily equate with being blunt from the beginning. Part of it is that its too early to know and we generally all want our options open. Secondly, just because you show your intentions in a more indirect way (i.e. by being more forward or by adding more sexual talk earlier) doesn’t mean you aren’t being honest. It may be how you most effectively show it. In fact that may be how you express your intentions in a cultural “language” that doesn’t accept women being sexual. Finally, what we want isn’t always that cut and dry. Sometimes people are open to both(casual or serious) or decide they are open to something after trying it. Or sometimes people change their mind or are looking for what they want (i.e. experimenting)

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    • breebree Says:

      great points Jeff…question though…why is it that a man has to have sex with a woman before he knows if he likes her enough to keep seeing her and be exclusive with her??????

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      • chuckrock Says:

        because sex is a big part of the equation asto whether he would want to be exclusive with her. No one wants to be exclusive with someone who isn’t very good in bed or with whom you are not really compatible with in bed.

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        • bree Says:

          but chuck rock a lotta times men don’t even get serious with and marry the women who are off the charts awesome in bed…..
          I’ve known many men who have been with women and the chemistry was great and the sex was great but they tell me the woman was crazy as hell and they couldn’t deal with her on a permanent basis.
          Or the chemistry and attraction is there and the sex is the best but those 2 people just aren’t right for each other and can’t get along worth a damn outside the bedroom.
          I feel sorry for men if the best they can do as far as choosing the right mate and future mother of their children is choosing a woman based on her looks and the sex…….so sad…

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          • chuckrock Says:

            who said anything about that being the only reason why you would get serious with her? I believe I said it was a big part of the equation….and by that I mean there are other parts to the equation also. If that was the only part….well then it wouldn’t be a very difficult equation would it?

            There are many things that need to be there for me to be serious about a woman. One of those things is that the sex has to be good.

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            • bree Says:

              and what else has to be part of the equation chuck rock?

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              • chuckrock Says:

                This is difficult to answer because the equation is constantly changing and growing as I reevaluate what will make me happy. Every woman I meet helps formulate what that equation looks like. I will try and answer best I can though:

                For starters she has to meet my basic requirements of what i am looking for:
                1. she can’t have kids
                2. she is a nonsmoker or drug user (pot is a drug to me)
                3. wants kids in the future
                4. within the age range that i am comfortable dating
                5. has good hygiene (amazing that this has to be listed isn’t it?)
                6. lives close enough that it wouldn’t be a long distance thing (been there done that, never again)

                Then there has to be a basic physical attraction.

                If she passes these then I will date her. If her values align with mine basically, she is fun to be around, she is smart and can keep me engaged in conversation, she is not materialistic, she doesn’t have an annoying voice or laugh, and maybe some other similar items then I will introduce her to friends. She would need to be able to handle herself amongst my friends and feel comfortable enough to have fun. If she makes it to meeting family then she needs to be ok with being around my family too (now i know my family can be difficult at times so this can be as much as a grin and bear it type thing….as long as she doesn’t always look for reasons to not go when i see them)

                Add that to the sex thing and we have a starting place for seriousness.

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          • Crotch Rocket Says:

            “I’ve known many men who have been with women and the chemistry was great and the sex was great but they tell me the woman was crazy as hell and they couldn’t deal with her on a permanent basis.” That’s definitely true in my experience: crazy chicks are awesome in bed. We could have a whole series of articles on why that is…

            “Or the chemistry and attraction is there and the sex is the best but those 2 people just aren’t right for each other and can’t get along worth a damn outside the bedroom.” That happens a lot, from what I can tell. I’ve lost count of how many female friends (many of them multiple times) go on and on about how bad their relationships are but, when someone suggests ending it, say they simply can’t give up the incredible sex. I’ve gotten sucked into that trap a couple of times myself.

            “I feel sorry for men if the best they can do as far as choosing the right mate and future mother of their children is choosing a woman based on her looks and the sex.” It’s just one factor, but it’s an important one considering that in roughly half of all divorces, sex is cited as the primary cause. There have been plenty of great girls I could have married except that, after a month or two, I already knew that it would end in divorce–either because I couldn’t take it anymore myself or because I’d end up cheating. Most people, however, can’t see that far ahead and/or aren’t honest with themselves about their own needs–or their partner’s.

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            • bree Says:

              Crotch Rocket the thing is you could find a perfect woman u want to marry and marry her and u will surely have problems and issues…NOTHING guarantees that except NEVER getting married.
              It’s hilarious to me how people thing….do yall think married folks don’t have issues and problems and get on each others last nerves???? Does it mean they don’t stay together or no longer love each other …??? No of course not…..but thats life…..as long as u live when u deal with other people u also deal with their personality and the differences and all that comes with them….good and bad…
              I met an older lady in her 60’s who had been married to her husband for like 40 something years….She told her daughter when she met her father she couldn’t stand him…lol but went on to marry him and is very happy…though they do have problems…she can count on him always and she loves him to death and says she couldn’t ask for a better husband.
              She said the problem with young people today is they don’t know how to work things out and work thru problems and issues together….they are so quick to run at the first sight of a problem, let alone anything too serious….even when married….she talked about how folks are quick to jump ship and divorce because they don’t wanna deal with the problems and issues….and she is right. She went on to say people need to realize this is not a perfect world and we aren’t perfect people….as long as we live we’re gonna experience trials, tribulations, problems, and issues. The only time it ever stops is when ur dead.
              But it’s always better to have somebody by your side with you when you are going through stuff and your going through it together…..because even Christ needed help from Simon to carry his cross….that lady really opened my eyes and mind to a lot that day and gave me some things to think about….sad to say she was right on imo….
              What in the world has happen to mankind???

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      • Angeline Says:

        Good heavens … seriously?

        Because too many women play the game that they are open and willing sex partners, and then the guy finds out too late that she’s cold, withholding, uses sex as currency, has religious objections to sex outside of procreation (that particular one happened to two different men friends, and they faithfully put up with it for YEARS), or, she’s just plain lousy in the sack. I think guys who’ve been in that situation are even MORE insistent to rule that out before they’ll even consider getting serious, and I can’t say I blame them.

        That last one (just plain lousy) cuts both ways – and could be a reason people don’t get called back after they’ve have sex. I am in no way talking about dick size here, I’m talking actual competency, or at least coachability.

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        • bree Says:

          Angeline many many many times women fake and play games and pretend to be everything a man wants just to get him to the alter and then After they are married to him and have babies they withold sex and be lazy and be themselves because the feel like “I got him and he’s not going anywhere so I can do what I want”….hence soooo many more married men complaining than single men….

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          • Crotch Rocket Says:

            “many times women fake and play games and pretend to be everything a man wants” Yep, and a lot of guys fall for that routine. In fact, most of the married men I know seem to be in that boat–and why I’m so concerned about not joining them myself. That’s why I won’t even think about getting serious with a gal until I figure out whether she is genuinely interested in sex or it’s just something she has to put up with to “get” a man.

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            • bree Says:

              and Crotch Rocket how the hell do you tell if a woman is sincere about sex????????? roflmao….hon honestly there is no way in hell to tell that most times…..don’t u think if men knew that they wouldn’t have married the women they are married to in the first damn place???? Or what happens when u fall head over heels in love with that woman and wanna be with her at that time no matter what….?? U know they say “love is blind”….
              U would have to soley be focused on that 1 thing and do u think a woman would want you if she knew that???? Do u think she would wnt to be with a man who would jump ship and abandon her just because she stopped “putting out”?????? Good luck with that….*smile*

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          • Angeline Says:

            great points Jeff…question though…why is it that a man has to have sex with a woman before he knows if he likes her enough to keep seeing her and be exclusive with her??????

            This was your question, I answered it, and now you’ve said something very similar, so I don’t get the point of your comment, or your question if you already knew the answer.

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        • chuckrock Says:

          or, she’s just plain lousy in the sack. I think guys who’ve been in that situation are even MORE insistent to rule that out before they’ll even consider getting serious, and I can’t say I blame them.

          Definitely. My ex-gf of 7.5 years was the worst lover I have ever been with and I will be sure to not be in that situation again. I, moving forward, will place a bigger importance on sexual compatibility and if we don’t have it then I know she isn’t the one for me. A lesson I wish I had learned earlier in life, certainly.

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          • Paula Says:

            I think anyone who has been in that situation will feel similarly, regardless of gender. It’s now pretty much impossible for me to become attached to someone before we sleep together, and often not for some time afterwards, after I made the mistake of falling for my ex-husband before we slept together, dooming myself to a passionless marriage.

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            • chuckrock Says:

              That was exactly the mistake that I made. She was a virgin so we waited SO long before sleeping together, and by then I was already in love with her. And because I was her first I always thought the sex would get better as she got more comfortable with having it…but i was definitely wrong. Funny thing is the best sex we ever had was the one time we hooked up after breaking up. It was like she was showing me what I would be missing…and I was like if you had been like this the whole time, perhaps we would have had less issues at the end.

              I’m currently dating someone who I think is great thus far. We’ve gone out 6 times with date 7 coming in the next couple of days. All I have done is kiss her thus far. This is the longest i have dated someone since my ex that hadn’t led to sex by this point. The opportunity hasn’t really been there for it to progress (really have only been in public places with her so far). I’ve been traveling to her mostly (5 of 6 times) and she lives with her parents so it isn’t like she can invite me back to her place. I’m not in a rush to sleep with her, but I will say that I think I will be more guarded with my feelings and falling for her until it happens.

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      • Crotch Rocket Says:

        “why is it that a man has to have sex with a woman before he knows if he likes her enough to keep seeing her and be exclusive with her?” Because how things go in bed (and afterward) is a major factor in whether we want to keep seeing her. To do it your way, the guy commit before sex and then have to dump her afterward if things didn’t go well; that is no better, and arguably worse, for the woman.

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  9. Trouble Says:

    It doesn’t really matter WHY people lie. It simply matters that they do. Be who you are, ask for what you want, watch what people do (not what they say), and live your life ethically and with a clean conscience. The rest you have zero control over, and it’s pointless to worry about it (because you can’t do a damn thing to change it).

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  10. Saj Says:

    I want to live in YO house, I want to drive YO car, if your not a baller sit down. Gold digging was woefully neglected from that list of honest wants :(

    Maybe I’m out of touch but is dating really this hard and confusing to people? 90% of guys are trying to hit and and quit it. Great it means you have a lot of data of signals these guys put off to put into the I would not hit it back category.

    Every single letter sent in where the girl is oh so confused and hurt follows the exact same pattern. Girl A thinks Guy B is hot. A sleeps with B thinking it will cement their boyfriend girlfriend status. Guy B acts like a flake. Girl A rationalizes FOR HER LIFE but guy B still isn’t cooperating. Girl A writes into Moxie.

    People can tell the prude to sit down but if a guy says he needs “time” to figure out if he likes someone then a girl should also be taking this same amount of “time” figuring out she likes him as well dating other people and just put all the sexin on the back burner til then.

    As for vibes it amazes me how many people suck at reading them. Can’t you tell when someone just radiates being a good person and you don’t need to sleep with them to figure it out? Like your friends or your co workers or people you just meet. Or is good people not sexy and dangerous and you are afraid the sex wont be hot. That is your own libido lying to you when choosing partners.

    Also I wouldn’t compare the attractiveness of someone in correlation if they are going to be a dog or not as its not related. Other clues by how they dress, how many shirtless pictures they have, or how charming they try to be are better indicators of hit it and quit it and that comes in all shades of ugly.

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  11. Really? Says:

    Guys, I have a simple solution for you…you want to get laid and don’t want to deal with women going psycho because you feel the need to lie and then try to run under rock and hide after you’ve been figured out? Hire a call girl… you pay them to pretend to like you, screw you and go away… all the things you are looking for . Or you can try the mature approach and ACTUALLY be honest with what you are looking . There are women out there who are looking for the same. All the lying and games just makes it that much more difficult for those who are really looking for something and ultimately, what does it say about you as a person? If you will lie about something as simple as what your intentions, are what else are lying about? (disease, girlfriend, wife, etc.)

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    • Crotch Rocket Says:

      “Hire a call girl” Do I really need to point out that prostitution is a crime virtually everywhere in the US? This issue wasn’t a pervasive problem for “good” women back when prostitution was legal–and socially acceptable. Get back to us after you convince our “representatives” to repeal those laws.

      “you pay them to pretend to like you, screw you and go away… all the things you are looking for .” That’s all that some men are looking for, but not all or perhaps even most.

      “All the lying and games just makes it that much more difficult for those who are really looking for something and ultimately,” For better or worse, that’s an externality: a cost borne by someone other than the person making a decision. Why should Guy A care that his lying makes things difficult for Guy B–or for women in general? It’s foolish to expect people to act against their own interests, even when it’s for the common good. We wouldn’t make such a big deal out of altruism if there weren’t so few examples; we are inherently selfish creatures.

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      • bree Says:

        “we are inherently selfish creatures” and Crotch Rocket therein lies man’s biggest problems…!

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      • Really? Says:

        @Crotch Rocket So doing something illegal is not okay, but being a selfish is dick is? Glad you have standards and no I of curse I do know that not all men are like this but it does seem like the majority are…

        So you justify the behavior because men are selfish creatures? Wow next, you’ll be saying that men cheat because they can’t control themselves.

        All the burden shouldn’t be on women guys, part of being an adult is behaving like one, enough with the excuses. Can’t have it both ways. I personally have alot more respect for someone who is upfront about what they want instead of this intentional deception/game. It’s pretty simple, treat people the way you would like to be treated in return. Iif you treat people like sh*t, then you should only expect that or worse back. Guys, If some guy were treating your mother or sister like this, you would be ready to kick their arse…

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    • bree Says:

      Exactly my point Really…..

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