The Two Kinds of Insecure Men You Don’t Want to Date

Name: Raven | | Location: Chicago Burb , IL |Question: I’m single. Divorced. Originally from New York (lived there 52 years. Recently I caught an STD. I joined a private MeetUp group in my area for people who have an STD. I was contacted by one of the members saying he wanted to help since I was so new to the disease. He seemed like a nice guy. 54, lives about 30 minutes away with his parents, just divorced about 2 years, deaf, has one older daughter and pseudo step kids from his second marriage. He never adopted them but sees them once a week.
Okay, we seemed to hit it off, he would text me all the time, call every so often, invited me as a guess to one of his Zumba classes. Everything very casual. When the subject of dating was brought up he says he would ask me out but we seem so busy all the time. I answered with “I’m not sure what to say to that” he answers we will have to make time. We became I think friends with possible more in the future.
At least he spoke about it and so did I. No promises from either of us. So fast forward to about 2 weeks ago. It’s a Friday afternoon, I just got out of EMT class and text him I want to party it’s been a long first week in school. I get the blow-off, where would we go, he has laundry and has to get up early for work on Saturday, has his daughter tomorrow, etc. I answered some other time then. 3 hours later I get another text saying he can do his laundry another nite and can stay out for a bit as long as he gets home by 9:30. I said never mind because I felt he was not that into me and maybe we should forget dating and just be friends. He starts to defend himself and I think he said we should meet and talk. We did and he seemed still interested but me well not so much anymore. I was starting to see things that I really didn’t want in a relationship. I never told him that I figured I’d give it one more try. Well fast forward to yesterday. Things were not really moving forward.

So I asked him how he felt. I got “I know you like me a lot and I like you but I’m not ready for a relationship because I’ve been dumped one too many times. We don’t even know if we are right for each other yet it’s only been seeing each other for two months.” I told him we weren’t even at the “relationship” stage yet…hell we aren’t even really dating. So I gave him the opportunity to say let’s be just friends. He comes back with maybe he should stop seeing his step kids so he had more time. I told him what ever he wants to do it’s his life. No answer. So I texted him the next day that no relationship is a sure thing. What is cute and endearing today sometimes becomes annoying after years together. We can be dumped after a week or after 20 years. Maybe he was not over his divorce yet. That one thing was for sure if he most likely will be dumped because he is afraid of being dumped. Few hours later he says no…he was glad the marriage of 4 years was over and he wanted to meet in person to explain.

I thought about it and you know I’m done. I really don’t need to know anything else. So I texted back “xplaination not necessary. U not ready for a relationship. I am with right person. I think best to be just MeetUp friends.” His texted back hours late, not going to believe this “Zumba, Zumba…crap I got here early…thought I’d say hi :-)” Huh?  I was hurt. No acknowledgment at all. I texted back “you need to stop texting me, it hurts me when you do. Understand” Crickets. LOL. Good. But here’s the thing.  I know guys are simple but that was a little too simple. Just want to understand what is that behavior?. Thanks |Age: 58

Neither one of you is ready for a relationship. You’re too busy analyzing his every mood and going back and forth about what you want, and he’s just gun shy. You’re reacting to him and he’s reacting to you. That’s why there’s no clarity.

There’s nothing simple about this, which should be the biggest red flag of all. Getting him to meet you alone for coffee is a task. And then when you do meet, all you both talk about is what you don’t want and what whatever this is, isn’t. It’s meta-dating. That’s where you spend most of your time together on “dates” talking about the date and what’s going on. Dear God in heaven, don’t do this. The more you talk about the inner workings of the dynamic, the easier it is to convince yourselves – both of you – that there is actually something going on.

When the subject of dating was brought up he says he would ask me out but we seem so busy all the time. I answered with “I’m not sure what to say to that” he answers we will have to make time. We became I think friends with possible more in the future.

This guy is just horribly bad at relationships. I truly think, at most, he’s just looking to socialize and get out of his house once in a while. He might be interested in something romantic down the road. But for right now I really think he’s jutst looking for friends. Just because he’s a man and you’re a woman doesn’t mean there has to be some sort of romantic or physical motive.

I answered some other time then. 3 hours later I get another text saying he can do his laundry another nite and can stay out for a bit as long as he gets home by 9:30. I said never mind because I felt he was not that into me and maybe we should forget dating and just be friends.

But you weren’t dating. That wasn’t even on the table. Even if he were interested in dating, you’re constant reminding of him that he’s not giving you what you want is just going to make him feel beaten up.Here’s something I learned awhile back. Guys don’t like feeling as though they can never do anything right. Constantly pointing out their shortcomings only serves to make them feel battered in some way.

Now, this guy? I truly believe he’s not trying to lead you on. I think you’re putting so much pressure on him to deliver that he’s imploding and doesn’t know what to do. If he were saying things or setting certain expectations, then he’d deserve a little rough housing. There are guys who intentionally create a false sense of intimacy or security to keep the woman calm and prevent possible drama. That’s manipulative. But then there are guys who are just lost and haven’t a clue how to interact with women and they just get in their own way and trip themselves up.

Both sets of men do what they do because they are HORRIBLE at relationships and with women. The first guy wants a woman who is easy to manage and control. That way his fragile ego isn’t at risk of being bruised. The other guy is just lacking in social skills. They’re both painfully insecure when it comes to women. Ideally, the manipulative ones find a woman who is a complete blank slate, ripe for programming. Those men make it very clear to these women, either overtly or not, that the first sign of “drama” (read: calling him on his behavior) will cause them to leave. These men don’t want to be challenged or questioned. They do not want a woman who will assert herself. They want a woman who will adore them and who’s just happy to spend time with them. Anything other than that will make them feel bad about themselves. These men are a mess internally. Which is why they focus so much on creating a more polished and successful external image.

The other guys, the ones who  lacking in social skills, they’re just eager to please.  Too much so. They panic. They think they’re saying the right thing.

You’re reading in to everything he says and assigning importance and meaning to it that doesn’t exist. My guess is that you are doing this because you don’t have many other options. That’s not meant as a slight. I’ve done it myself. You don’t want to lose the attention.

No amount of attention is worth this.

My suggestion to you is to let up on this guy and focus on your own life.  You’re trying to decode everything he says and does. With guys like this, there’s nothing cryptic. Their statements don’t have double meanings.

Analyzing them gives us a reprieve from more pressing issues. Issues that, if we tended to them, would probably gives us the inner peace we need that would help prevent us from attracting/being attracted to these men in the first place.


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7 Responses to “The Two Kinds of Insecure Men You Don’t Want to Date”

  1. D Says:

    Don’t waste any more time on this guy. He’s either not that into you or doesn’t know what he wants. either way you’re investing way too much energy.

  2. Christina Says:

    Dating should never be this must work. Find someone who has the time and interest to be with you.

  3. Vikki Says:

    This post could have been written for me. Wise words, Moxie. I wish I had your blog around six years ago when I mistakenly married one of these guys, who incidentally gave me the same std I think op has.

  4. LT Says:

    I think I could have written this post too!! I have a divorced male friend who I hang out with among other friends because of our common sports interest. Everytime we hang out together he’s alwvays right by my side “acting” very interested. Then one of these times he pulled me aside and said he would like to call me so we can go out – I say great call me (and we kissed goodnight so I’m thinking there’s mutual interest there). However he didn’t call me so the next time he sees me he says how sorry he was and he wanted to call but then started thinking I wasn’t interested. I tell him I like him but since we hang out with the same crowd we either have to go out alone or this is not going to go anywhere. So once again he says I’m going to call. Well surprise, surprise…he didn’t call – UGH!! I was disappointed at first but I guess he still has baggage from his divorce or maybe he’s just not that into me. I don’t know but it’s too bad he can’t even figure out how to go on one date!!

  5. Paula Says:

    One thing that no one commented on is that the guy is deaf. How are he and OP communicating? Through ASL? just texts back and forth? TDD phone calls? Some other way? It seems like that has to affect his ability to communicate and probably also to form dating relationships. It would perhaps explain the insecurity and the awkwardness over whether he and the OP are dating. It sounds like that as much as she’s caught up in her own head over all of this, he’s even more so.

    I’m not sure whether that means she should cut him more of a break, or run for the hills. I might say the latter except that if a lot of this is attributable to his hearing impairment, then it has to be tough for him, and there might be a really sweet guy there if it’s possible to break through some of the barriers he’s imposing, not that his lack of hearing is necessarily imposing for him.

  6. Kurt Says:

    You gave good advice here. The man doesn’t seem to know what he wants, but is afraid that she’s losing interest in him. The woman assumes the worst about that guy and essentially puts him in a situation where it will be impossible for him to ever win.

  7. Eve Says:

    RE: Kurt.

    In that case, didn’t the guy do it to himself? Not sure what he wants so woman responds with a big old put up or shut up follwed swiftly by a cold ‘meh’ when he fails to be be decisive?

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