Dating Someone Emotionally Bankrupt

Name: Bree |  | Location: Washington , DC |Question: Moxie,
I’ve read several of your post and always find your replies very interesting.
You have told many women when a man is not interested in them based on the posts I’ve seen and the questions asked.

Moxie what is the surefire foolproof way to tell if a man sincerely likes, cares for and loves a woman?

Btw I know a man who told me he stayed in a relationship with a woman for 2 years because of how great she was at oral sex. I was with my ex-boyfriend for 2 years and the only reason we’re not together is because i found out about his lying and cheating and I ended it. He actually wanted to work things out and stay together….My ex did Everything imo a man is supposed to do that loves and cares about a woman. He actually did back up his words with actions. I met his friends and family fairly quickly and he wanted me to move in with him after like 3 or 4 months together. All his idea. I was the one who put him on hold and wanted to wait for another 3 months.

He always went out of his way for me and called me often and in fact wanted to take me with him where-ever he went, including out with his friends. He was to the point where he bordered on being a little “clingy”. At any rate almost the entire time he was the one who was cheating and I doubt he seriously was ready for a relationship… In the end my opinion of him is that he is someone who is moreso “in love” with the idea of being “in love” than with the person and when things get mundane and ordinary and the excitement and newness wears off he loses interest…but doesn’t want to say that or show it. My point is if your with someone who is doing everything you like, giving you everything you want and desire, and treating you well then why would you realistically question it…..?

But I’ve heard men say they will intentionally do what women like and treat them how they want and do whatever it takes to sleep with them…..some men even marry some women namely because of the sex…or get into relationships with them to get sex or maintain it and keep it…of course they say ” I love you” for sex too.

But seriously how are you supposed to know if the words are backed up with actions and all the t’s crossed and i’s dotted and everything seems and sounds sincere???? How do u ever really know the truth about how a man really feels unless he flat out tells you…..??? |Age: 34

 

I met his friends and family fairly quickly and he wanted me to move in with him after like 3 or 4 months together. All his idea. I was the one who put him on hold and wanted to wait for another 3 months.

And right there you had your answer. That is too quick. What was the rush? I know people in their twenties and mid thirties who have lived with three or four different people already, and they each had moved in with their respective mates after 6-8 months of dating. Now, call me judgey, but that dog don’t hunt.

He always went out of his way for me and called me often and in fact wanted to take me with him where-ever he went, including out with his friends.

Ah. And there we have it. The need for external validation. This guy just liked being able to say he had a girlfriend. There’s no true emotional investment involved, which is why he could act like a loving and adoring boyfriend to your face and screw around behind your back. I see men and women like this all the time. Especially on Facebook and Twitter. They’re the ones constantly yammering on about their “boyfriends” or “girlfriends.” I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. People who use social media platforms to brag about their relationships are doing so not out of genuine happiness or appreciate, but because they’re looking for some sort of external validation. Either they want to brag about having a BF/GF or they’re sending some not so cryptic message to their partner.

That relationship is a tool of sorts. A promotional tool. Maybe it’s a way to promote themselves or their “brand.” “Look at me! I’m in a relationship! That means I’m special!” Maybe they’re even promoting  a business or service. Something about that relationship gives them a feeling of superiority.  They’re with their partner not for the nurturing or emotional support. They’re not even with them for the sex. They’re with them because the idea that they have someone who adores them and does whatever they want and indulges their every whim makes them feel good about themselves. These are the people who are always in some kind of relationship. They rarely let much time go between break-ups. They’re quickly back in the saddle.

In the end my opinion of him is that he is someone who is moreso “in love” with the idea of being “in love” than with the person and when things get mundane and ordinary and the excitement and newness wears off he loses interest

I agree with the second half of your statement, but not the first. I don’t believe these people are in love with love. That implies that they are capable of actually loving someone. They’re not. Their relationships are all about them. They think in terms of “me” and not “we.” It’s never “we did this together.” It’s “she/he did this with me.” The partner is secondary. They are the primary focus, even in their thoughts.  Where I co-sign with you is that these people ALWAYS get bored. Having someone adore you is only interesting for so long. Once the partner has served their purpose(s) there’s no point in staying in the relationship. But they will. Remember. It’s not about the love. It’s about the validation. As long as their mate is manageable, they can endure pretty much anything. Even marriage. They just look elsewhere for someone new to validate them so they can relive the glory all over again.

Moxie what is the surefire foolproof way to tell if a man sincerely likes, cares for and loves a woman?

There is none. You keep looking for some magical formula to prevent you from ever meeting another deceptive person. This is, what, you’re 7th letter to me in 2 weeks? You just mentioned in a comment recently that the men in your family exhibited the EXACT same behavior as your Ex. You even went so far as to praise these men for being so attentive and wonderful save for that pesky cheating and lying thing. The problem isn’t these men, Bree. The problem is you. And it’s me. And it’s every woman who continuously finds herself involved with malignant men and who justifies and indulges their behavior.  Stop trying to figure them out and start figuring out why you seem to continuously have this problem.

I realize that there’s this backlash out there about blaming the single person for why they’re single. Look. I’m sorry, but I refuse to hand hold. It’s a huge waste of my time. Some of those people are perpetually single because they choose to be. But the ones constantly defending why their single? Uh uh. There’s a problem there.

Someone recently sent this to me via email and I thought it was interesting:

I don’t know why women on your blog think its normal and okay to suffer from ocd or a personality disorder.

Okay. It’s a little harsh. But there’s some truth to this. What’s REALLY unhealthy is that the go-to response for much of these queries is usually something like, “You can do better.”

You know what? Maybe you can’t do better. Maybe you don’t want to do better. Maybe you’d rather just take that belief system you’ve created – wherein the opposite sex and relationships are just all pointless or useless or whatever – and hang your hat on it. I mean, I guess the devil you know is better than the devil you don’t, right? Better to stick with the people we know are assholes, that we know will eventually disappoint us, right? Because then at least we have a plan and a set of coping mechanisms in place for those people.

You could do better if you wanted to. You could if you were willing to be accountable and ask yourself the tough questions and go through the angst and pain of having to confront all that stuff. Or you could sit on Twitter and Facebook or Blogs and subversively ask people to not judge you. You can use these platforms to bitch and moan and call in all your equally jaded sisters or brothers so they can agree with you and tell you it’s not you. But it is. You. So stop putting all this junk out there for everyone else to absorb. It’s like filing for Emotional Bankruptcy. You don’t want to fix the mess you’ve created for yourself, so you continue to incur more and more debt until you can’t pay it off and then expect everyone else to cover it.

And that, my friends, is what we’re seeing. We’re seeing a romantic/emotional downturn. Follow me here, folks, as I’ll be going in a sort of circular motion. (TM Kevin Spacey, Swimming With Sharks.) It’s like when people are unemployed for months and months, not because they don’t have the ability to work, but because they’ve decided that they will only accept a job that is worthy of their skills and education. It’s structural emotional unemployment. It’s not going to go away in the short term. There just isn’t enough demand for your particular skill set. So you do one of two things…you gain more skills or you take what you can get to survive.  You either need to up your skill set so you can be more “employable” or you have to accept that you just aren’t as skilled as you think you are. I don’t want you to fall in the latter category. I want you to be part of the former category. Know why? Because better skills means better pay and more stability.

So to answer your questions Bree…the only way you’ll be able to tell if someone is for real or not is if you clean out those filters and re-wire your system. That means you have to fix that belief system you have and readjust/re-define what constitutes a “good” man or a “good” relationship.

 

 

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57 Responses to “Dating Someone Emotionally Bankrupt”

  1. dimplz Says:

    I have a friend right now who is in a not so great relationship. While I think she can do better, she is not capable of it right now. She has too many things to straighten out with herself personally, the primary being self-esteem. This is what I also suggest to the OP as well. Work on you. Pursue your passions, have fun, travel, and keep your eyes open. When you start to make yourself a priority, your confidence will grow, and you will understand that relationships take time and aren’t at all like romcoms. People rarely move fast in relationships without crashing and burning. Don’t let loneliness or a need to be in a relationship dictate your decisions. Make sure the person is a PART of your life, but not your whole world. It’s not necessary to place that much importance on a person you’re only dating.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 11 Thumb down 0

    • Bree Says:

      “These are the people who are always in some kind of relationship. They rarely let much time go between break-ups. They’re quickly back in the saddle” That I totally agree with Moxie.
      However I definitely think there are many people out there…(and I believe my ex is one of them) who is just hooked on the idea of “being in love” and doing all the lovey dovey things u do in a relationship.
      There are people who really love “being in love” however when the part comes where u have to work to maintain a grown-up relationship with bills and joint accounts and children and when you have to deal with the responsibilities of the relationship thats the part they don’t like…..they like and want the good stuff… but not the bad; similar to how many women put so much more time, effort, blood, sweat, and tears into their wedding and are much more into the wedding than their marriage, or are more enamored with their husbands careers and titles ie women married to a Dr. or Pastor rather than the man himself.

      At any rate, please tell me how you think I am attracting some lying and cheating men just being myself?????
      I do have flaws and am far from perfect. However, I was raised good by 2 wonderful parents in a wonderful loving family, raised to treat everyone with respect and treat them like I want to be treated.
      I was raised to be honest (which I am to a fault, many times brutally honest) lol.
      I was raised to do the right things and treat people right because what goes around comes around.
      And thats how I am.
      Some of the lying cheating men I meet I do meet online on dating sites (besides E-harmony and Match.com) Some men I’ve met on dating sites have been wonderful and very honest…..I’m not with them is because in my 20′s I didn’t want to be in a deeply committed relationship and didn’t want to be married and have kids….I just wanted to live and have fun.
      Plus I knew in my 20′s (when I knew a few men who wanted to marry me) I knew I wouldn’t make a good wife. Great mother…*smile but not wife.
      See I would study other folks marriages and relationships. I got a pretty good idea of the basic general stuff it took to be a great wife to a man…..honestly I was selfish back then and didn’t want any man tellin me what to do and knew I couldn’t respect a mans feelings enough to listen to him if he told me something…for ex come home at a certain time, or don’t hang with such and such or whatever.
      As was said in the movie “Why Did I Get Married” “when you get married you trade in the I’s for an Us” I did not want to do that in my 20′s….hence why I did not get married even though I had proposals, 1 with a ring.
      Now at 34 I’ve learned a lot…..(I know I don’t know everything and never will) but I’ve learned a hell of a lot more since 24 and know more now than I did then.
      Now I have a lot more patience with people (which I didn’t have then) and I’m more understanding of a lot of things and more tolerant of some things I wasn’t tolerant of then.
      I learned from my dad and grand-dad that just because a man cheats on a woman physically Does not mean he does not love her and is not in love with her. I learned that the woman a man loves no matter who else he fu*** is the woman who has his heart. And he may fu** 20 women but they all don’t have his heart. Many women still can’t comprehend this….and understandably so….men are not us and don’t think like us and have the mindset that women do which is why they are capable of loving 1 woman and still sleeping with other women or another woman. Now you may disagree with this but I learned all those things I just spoke of from men….many men, not just a few.
      But getting back to my subject I have really analyzed myself and i know full well my short-comings…..thing is those things are typically things people say they can live with or don’t matter much to them…like I’m not the wealthiest person and I’m not good with budgeting my money. But I work, drive, have my own place and can take damn good care of myself. I have been since I was out of the house at 19. I’ve had my own place since I was 26 and I’ve had ups and downs but always maintained and never asked many people for much help at all.
      Other flaws are I’m forgetful, I’m late sometimes, and not a morning person and hate doin dishes and taking out trash…but I’m single so I do it. I am also out-spoken and speak my mind and speak the truth good or bad..(I try to be tactful, but forreal I’m not always so tactful) lol. And do I lie myself sometimes ….hell yes…but I have Never lied to a man to get sex from him or any material things (even when I could have easily done so) I’ve never used a man to get things from him. I did have 2 boyfriends when I was 17 in highschool…but haven’t cheated on a man since 17 in highschool. That was the first and last time I ever did that and felt terrible for doing it then (after the fact) when I hurt both guys after they found out. Knew then I was not meant to be a “player” lol
      Besides that I’m a hard-working good person and have a pretty good career in Real Estate and I like to have fun and laugh and be happy and don’t take life or people too seriously.
      So what about me makes me attract liars and cheaters???? I’ve tried to figure it out myself and still can’t.
      In fact I don’t really buy into that whole thing of you attract a certain type unless your actually doing something to do so…but unconsciously….nah…and if it’s unconscious then to me it seems like thats part of who you are…….so then what…..???
      Thanks for replying Moxie…I enjoy this site and these blogs….*smile*

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      • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

        So what about me makes me attract liars and cheaters????

        Do you really want to know? Because I’ll tell you. It’s crystal clear to me. I just want to be sure you’re prepared to hear it, because it isn’t going to be all puppy dogs and rainbows.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

        • Bree Says:

          I absolutely do….I’m a truth seeker….Honestly how are folks supposed to know about themselves and see themselves as others see them if nobody tells them the truth about who they are.????
          Please please give me your honest feedback.

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          • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

            Ok. Buckle up.

            You don’t care about why men cheat. You’ve accepted it as normal. You speak of it as it means nothing. In fact, you almost appear to find it endearing.

            You’re not a truth seeker, Bree. You’re an attention seeker. What bothers you isn’t that these men cheat. What bothers you is that you don’t appear to be enough, and that these men are devoting time to giving attention to someone else other than you. You don’t care that they cheat. You don’t care that they fuck other women. What you care about is that there are chunks of time where you don’t matter to these men. Listen to yourself, You don’t stop. I’ve received almost 10 letters from you. Sometimes 3 in a day. All you do all day is sit and think about yourself. You need constant stimulation and external validation.

            You’re writing in about this topic so you can talk about yourself.

            You are so profoundly wrapped up in yourself that you aren’t capable of being a real partner to anyone. YOU’RE NOT AVAILABLE IN ANY WAY. So maybe it’s not that you keep attracting cheaters. Maybe it’s that you DRIVE MEN TO CHEAT. Maybe they get tired of having to constantly attend to your needs and indulge your insecurities. Maybe they turn to these other women because these other women give them what you don’t – attention. You refuse to spare any of it. You devote it allllll to yourself. OR…you’re so self-involved – to an almost pathological degree – that you are oblivious to their lack fo integrity.

            In summary, you’re exhausting to listen to.

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 3

            • bree Says:

              Moxie,

              I only sent so many letters because I had questions and had something to say and wanted peoples opinions and thoughts including yours and I wasn’t getting any responses.
              I will stop asking so many questions if this is a problem.
              You can’t drive anyone to do anything… People do things because they want to……it doesn’t have a damn thing to do with anyone else. Thats like when folks say “the devil made me do it” and if that was the case then we would be able to control other people to do what we wanted a whole lot more and for a lot longer don’t you think….?
              Like I’ve said before whatever the reason folks cheat it doesn’t change the fact that it’s dead wrong and there are consequences to it.
              Moxie I have a BA in Psychology…if it’s 1 thing I know it’s how complex people are….which is one of the reasons folks have soooo many issues. Rarely are things black and white and cut and dry when it comes to people and human nature.
              People have many sides to them and play many roles in life….ie mother, father, lover, wife, husband, son, daughter, employee, employer etc etc etc….
              It’s damn near impossible to put folks in a nice little box where they fit perfectly. People are too complicated for that.
              And for the record, I’m the last person who constantly craves attention….I’m the oldest of four so trust me I’m far from spoiled and used to getting attention. If anything I like being in the background and I’m a laid back low key person.
              Also the guys who I’ve been in relationships with who have cheated have cheated on many other women besides me.
              Guys who I’ve known who lied and never told me they were married and I found out from their wives calling me and telling me…the wives have told me these men cheated on them before with other women…..(I’ve heard some pretty crazy stories).
              When I’ve thought about it and analyzed certain situations myself one thing I’ve come to realize is one reason I’m single is because I refuse to put up with and tolerate half the bullsh** I see many other women tolerate from men just to not be alone….ie the lying, cheating, and blatant disrespect and abuse, verbal or otherwise.
              I personally know men who I’ve dated and been in relationships with who are married now and they are pretty much the same as when I was dating them…not much has changed.
              In fact they still talk to me and flirt and try to sleep with me still after years have passed and they are married. In my mind Im thinking this is the very reason I let these guys go….because I’ll be damn if I’m gonna put up with a man lying and cheating on me.
              Some of these men are just cheaters…..For example, my one recent ex had a baby with a woman shortly after we broke up. During that womans pregnancy he broke up with her and got with another woman. They were not together when this woman gave birth to his child.
              These men imo would cheat on J-Lo with Halle Berry and cheat on Halle Berry with Kim Kardashian….thats just how they are…at any rate better those women than me.
              Now Moxie I have no idea what type of men you’ve dated….but speaking from many years of experience I know that some black men are sometimes like kids and big babies…….you won’t keep them interested for more than a few dates if your not “catering” to them and giving them a lot of attention and damn near babying them to a degree. Ask some black women..they will tell you.
              Whatever man I’ve been in a serious relationship with I have loved and cared about him enough to cater to him and show him attention. If anything some men I’ve dated haven’t given me much time and attention in the past because they are too busy spreading themselves around or they have been too busy working or have kids.
              Moxie some of my ex’s didn’t even drive, I took them where-ever they had to go, and helped one get his drivers license. The men I dated with kids I helped them with their kids, one ex I used to do his daughters hair for him. I have worked in salons and spa’s and I’ve given my ex’s manicures and pedicures and massages and I cooked for them too.
              I did have 1 guy tell me I didn’t know how to treat a man…..and I realized that after the newness wore off the relationship and I got bored then I wasn’t as into them and didn’t give them much time. I was in my mid 20′s then and realized that guy was right, and I had to learn how to keep things fresh and new myself and not always expect the man to do it or think things were supposed to magically stay great.
              And if I really loved the guy get over being bored with him after some time had passed.
              As I got older I learned those things and became better. However, one thing I won’t do is kiss anybody’s azz….I shouldn’t have to and don’t expect anyone to kiss mine. That to me is not real love.
              What I “need” from a man more than anything is simply honesty and truth and sincerity and real love. Do I like to be spoiled like many women…yes. If a man is spending time with me do I want his full undivided attention…yes..and I give him mine in return.
              But me being an attention seeker is laughable…if anything I don’t like men who are too clingy and in my face all the time……I actually enjoy my solitude and time to myself and doing things without my boyfriend sometimes.
              So knowing myself much better than you know me I’m confused, but curious as to how you formed this opinion of me.

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      • Vox Says:

        Sounds like you are comfortable with dating cheaters; the men in your family have acclimated you well. How hard is it to find a man who can sleep around and still earn your love? Seems easy to me. Why are you even writing in, if it’s all ok? And it isn’t that you *attract* liars and cheaters, by the way. Everyone attracts them. You ACCEPT them. You can thank your father, grandfather and he rest for that.

        Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 17 Thumb down 0

        • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

          And it isn’t that you *attract* liars and cheaters, by the way. Everyone attracts them. You ACCEPT them

          Brilliant.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

        • Bree Says:

          No I don’t “accept” them…..which is why I’m not single…If I accepted that I would be with one of the men who have lied and cheated or be married to one of them…would’ve been married in my 20′s….
          And the reasoning behind the comments that the men in my family cheated but were good men is to point out the good and bad. ALL of us have faults…Not a damn soul on Gods green earth is perfect….most folks have cheated on tests if nothing else and we all lie damn near every day of our lives….even if it’s just to ourselves….
          But just because you lie and cheat doesn’t necessarily mean your an evil person or the worst person in the world. Doesn’t mean you can’t be great at your job and a great and devoted parent to your children. Doesn’t mean your not a good husband or wife either…just means you sin like everybody else and you have a flaw….My dad and grandfather were great parents and good husbands…(except for the cheating….that 1 thing) but they never talked down to their wives or verbally disrespected them and were great providers….for my grandmom that was enough. With my dad I told him myself he was wrong for cheating…but I understand why he cheated.
          Me I’ve Never tolerated cheating and lying about other women. My girlfriend pointed out to me something recently though…she said “girl everybody lies..you lie…if you expect an Honest Abe of a man who never lies you will Never have a man and be forever single.”
          I thought about her statement and realized she had a point….I can deal with a man lying about anything else (except money if I’m married to him) but again I never have and never will tolerate lying about sleeping with other women or a mans relationship with another woman or a man who lies about being married, or having a girlfriend.
          And Vox you reaffirmed my point that Everyone attracts people who cheat….men & women……so again what is it that people do that attracts people who cheat??????
          btw I’ve dated a wide variety of men….very different from each other in looks and personality and upbringing and states as well as different countries and ethnic backgrounds. I did this just to make sure I didn’t have a dating “trend”. I do think some people have “dating trends” where they keep dating the same “type” of person but expect things to be different….I know well enough to know thats not smart….cause u won’t get a different result doing the same thing or with the same type of person.
          But again imo there are no “variables” for liars and cheaters….as almost all of you have said yourselves EVERYBODY lies and cheats so I’m hard pressed to believe there is something people can intentionally do to specifically attract “only” people who lie and cheat.
          Unless it’s a situation where there are specific things that you do for ex: not treat a man right, not give him sex on the regular, or just act like an azzhole with great nice guys and treat them terrible, or present yourself as someone so emotionally unstable nobody trust you to be able to handle the truth well so damn near everybody including family and friends lie to you to keep you from goin the hell off and dealing with ur drama or to keep you from falling to peices and contemplating suicide or if you act like such a baby that folks feel like they have to “handle you” with kid gloves….
          I’m far from those type of people. In fact I welcome truth and honesty and wish more folks would just keep it real.
          But you guys saying generally speaking people do specific things to attract a certain type of person all their years of dating even if the span is over 10 years just makes no sense whatsoever to me……
          It’s like saying someone who did nothing to warrant being abused accept for being born to parents who were young drug-users and being born in a rough city like New York or DC has done specific tthings or acted a certain way that is condusive to being abused and thats why their whole lives as kids they were abused….c’mon now…..
          Or saying just because a woman goes to a niteclub dressed “trendy” like a fashion model or something or with a dress on like what Beyonce would wear that she’s a slut and deserves to be treated like a hoe and verbally abused by man and have her azz grabbed or be raped……?
          To me thats just making excuses for wrong-doing..a woman could be a straight up prostitute and have on an outfit where u can see her bra and panties walking down the street…..that does not mean that woman deserves to be raped ….if she says no then no means no…if you force yourself on that woman And you don’t even pay her thats rape…
          Just like if a man is nice and likes a woman and is wealthy like Hugh Hefner it doesn’t mean that man deserves to be taken advantage of and used for his money.

          What happened to folks “Moral Fiber” and “Integrity”????????

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          • Bree Says:

            that first sentence was a typo…I meant which is why I Am Single….

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          • Bree Says:

            Oh and another point I want to make…even if a man/woman does things to make a person not like them or cheat on them it doesn’t mean that person is naturally a cheater…..
            That particular man/woman could be the first person that person has ever cheated on in their life…but the actions and behavior of the person pushed them to cheat….
            At any rate, imo what folks need to do is be honest….if your in a situation where your with someone and you no longer want to be with them you walk the hell away and move on instead of cheating…..
            To me cheating is driven by folks greed……wanting it all, wanting to “have their cake and eat it too”
            But every single time this is done there are consequences…..some more serious than others.
            Folks need to remember that Greed is 1 of the 7 deadly sins.
            And lying is Always to save ourselves from dealing with the consequences of our actions and/or trying to get what we want……but don’t necessarily need.

            Moxie another question I have is why do men see sex as a “Need”??? To my knowledge no virgin ever died from not having sex…and nobody ever died from going without sex for a significant amount of time like several mnths to a year or years….
            This is another problem I see with why people are so likely to cheat…..seeing sex as a “need” that they feel they truly cannot live without.

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            • dimplz Says:

              I’m confused here. Are you becoming an apologist for cheaters or are you trying to have some philosophical discussion on morality?

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              • bree Says:

                lol..No dimplz not at all apologizing for cheaters…..just making a point.

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          • dimplz Says:

            You’re really getting off topic here. You are writing this as if you are a victim, and everyone is simply pointing out that we all meet people that are liars and cheaters. I find it implausible that you’ve ONLY ever met liars and cheaters. Rather, you’ve met a plethora of men, but you’ve only gotten INVOLVED with liars and cheaters, would be a more accurate statement. I refuse to believe that you have NEVER met a decent or faithful and honest man. You just haven’t given those men a chance for whatever reason.

            I resent the binary implication of men are bad/women are good. Both sexes have issues with this, and while we are at it, heterosexuals are NOT the exception. There is just as much lying and deceit in homosexual relationships as well. Whether you want to believe it or not, you have a deep-seated belief that men are this way, you are projecting it here and I’m sure in your offline life, and you are creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.

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            • bree Says:

              dimplz I never said all the men I’ve been with are liars and cheaters…..but many of them yes have lied and/or cheated. Some just lied and I know not just to me.
              A few have never lied to me to my knowledge and never cheated on me. I know All men and All women aren’t liars and cheaters…..but unfortunately more are than are not….thats whats so sad.
              btw I simply ask questions to get peoples opinions and viewpoints….I like hearing what people think about things and try to learn something new or maybe see things from another persons point of view.

              Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

              • Dimplz Says:

                The reason people aren’t responding to this post that much is because you already have a viewpoint. Look at all the commentary you’ve made, and the number of responses you’re receiving. There’s a disparity. You don’t have a question, you are rambling, and quite compulsively I might add (psych term). It’s unnecessary and vainglorious. You can’t stop meeting certain people of a certain caliber any more than any of us can stop you from commenting on every post. Is that a fair analogy?

                Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0

          • Vox Says:

            I agree with Moxie – you are exhausting. I need a nap now. Or a drink.

            Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 16 Thumb down 0

            • bree Says:

              lol…Vox nobody has ever in my life called me that..thats a new one….lol
              If u think Im bad I know people a whole lot worse….lol

              Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 4

      • Dimplz Says:

        Listen, you have to stop subscribing to the newsletter about how the wife has the man’s heart while his penis is in another woman. Love is not sex, but it is full, free, fruitful and faithful. If you’re missing any of those things, it’s not love. Love is about respect, and though we are human and do make mistakes, we don’t habitually hurt someone we love by cheating, unless we are broken and incapable of love.

        Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 12 Thumb down 0

  2. trouble Says:

    Amen. If you keep dating cheating assholes, the problem isn’t them. It’s you.

    (been there, done that)

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 17 Thumb down 0

    • Bree Says:

      Trouble those just happen to be the guys I meet sometimes…Every man I’ve dated has Not cheated and/or lied.
      I’m sorry I don’t have a radar that immediately upon first meeting a man alerts me that he is a cheater……
      I try not to be judgemental and right off the bat not take a person I first meet for who they are and what they present to me.
      Remember realistically you don’t typically find out a person is lying until later on down over time the line after u do research and check things out or just happen to catch a person when they slip up and its by “accident”
      If the person doing the lying and cheating had their way you would Never find out the truth…..

      Now if someone knows a surefire 100% full-proof way to know when a person is a liar and cheater upon meeting them and laying eyes on them for the first time or in the first 2-3 weeks of knowing them and knows how to avoid meeting liars and cheaters for the rest of my natural life please enlighten me……..

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 4

  3. DrivingMeNutes Says:

    “women . . . think its normal and okay to suffer from ocd or a personality disorder.”

    I strongly agree. There seems to a settled wisdom that women “get attached” (either because of sex, or whatever) and it’s all out of their control. Yes, it’s nature thatwomen like tall men. Oxytocin made me do it. Biology says I should date rich guys. Someone on the last post was saying the serenity prayer for goodness sakes. That prayer is for things that are NOT within your control. Like disease. Or, other bad stuff that happens TO you. Choosing to date men who don’t like you is all within your control. To deny it, is to enable it.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 21 Thumb down 2

    • dimplz Says:

      The Serenity prayer was my comment, and I said it because it’s two sided, it’s about accepting what you can’t change, but changing what you can. Here’s the entire prayer so you can be fully informed on its wording.

      God grant me the serenity
      to accept the things I cannot change;
      courage to change the things I can;
      and wisdom to know the difference.

      Living one day at a time;
      Enjoying one moment at a time;
      Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
      Taking, as He did, this sinful world
      as it is, not as I would have it;
      Trusting that He will make all things right
      if I surrender to His Will;
      That I may be reasonably happy in this life
      and supremely happy with Him
      Forever in the next.
      Amen.
      –Reinhold Niebuhr

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 9 Thumb down 0

      • DrivingMeNutes Says:

        Well, if you’re compulsively chasing men who don’t like you, you should take a dose of Zoloft along with that prayer.

        Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 5 Thumb down 5

        • dimplz Says:

          Where did I say I was compulsively chasing men who don’t like me?

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0

        • bree Says:

          driving me nuts if someone acts like they like you and tells you they like u then u will think they like you right……?????
          Hon people “like” each other for many reasons……not all of them honorable…therein lies the problem……A woman could like you for your money, status, or because you pay her bills for her or whatever…..she’ll make you feel like a king…as long as you keep doing whatever she wants/needs you to do….

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

      • chuckrock Says:

        Amen.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

      • Paula Says:

        When I was a kid, I thought the Serenity Prayer was meant to be sarcastically humorous…I mean, how could you not know the difference between things that could be changed and things that couldn’t? Oh boy, did I have a lot to learn…

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

      • Bree Says:

        dimplz I love that prayer and pray it very often….Thank you.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

        • DrivingMeNutes Says:

          Yes, and god must be listening because “serenity” is the word that comes to mind when I read your comments.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

  4. Vikki Says:

    Amen and hallelujah.

    I swear I can tell how long a relationship is going to last by the mentions of “my loving boyfriend/i love my man/I have the best man in the UNIVERSE!!!!!!” on facebook and twitter.

    Moxie, your most recent posts hit exactly where I am in my life right now. I just want to thank you. Some of what you said is uncomfortable, but it is the honest truth.

    So, here’s what I’m trying to work on right now – how do I deal with what I obviously need to deal with, and what AM I looking for in a relationship? Do I even want a relationship? I’m not sure. There’s a lot of confusion. Can anyone else relate?

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 0

    • trouble Says:

      Vikki:

      Find a good therapist who will push you and hold you accountable for your faulty thinking patterns, and figure out why you’re attracted to bad guys. Don’t get into another relationship until you’ve figured it out. That’s what worked for me.

      I also had to learn to be attracted to a better class of guys. I looked to the decent guys I work with who are good fathers and husbands to figure out what a good guy looked like, because truthfully, I didn’t know how to recognize a good one from a bad one. And, I found a really good male friend who constantly reminded me of this stuff and held me accountable for my bullshit.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 0

      • bree Says:

        Trouble,

        People define whats good and bad in many ways.
        U could meet a great guy who is honest and treats you great but is a workoholic….is that something u can handle????
        Everyone is going to have some stuff with them….just like u have some stuff with you….At the end of the day it’s about simply finding someone who you love and care for enough who u can and will gladly accept the good, bad and ugly that comes with them and vice versa.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

  5. Paula Says:

    It may sound like a tautology, but if you have to ask whether you’re ready for a relationship, then you probably aren’t. If you’re constantly finding yourself gearing yourself up for dates, feeling like you’re constantly wandering the Island of Misfit Toys, forcing yourself to do this and that to make yourself more interesting, attractive, appealing, sociable…all so you can be coupled and stop having to do all this stuff, then maybe it’s time to step off the treadmill.

    For the last six months, I’ve given things more than the ubiquitous college try. I’ve gone out on dozens of dates with at least a dozen men of every age, shape, size, height, income level, education level, personality type, you name it. I contact them. I wait for them to contact me. I spend hours getting to know them. I meet them without having a conversation first. I hook up on first dates. I hold out for several dates. I’ve tried doing what feels natural to me. I’ve tried stepping out of my comfort zone and trying things that don’t feel so natural. I’ve had great dates. I’ve had disastrous dates. And you know what? None of it really fucking matters. Moxie’s right in that there’s no magical formula. Not to keep you from meeting a deceptive person or crazy person or loser person. And not to bring Mr. Right to your doorstep either. It either happens. Or it doesn’t.

    As for work you can do on your own? I’m still in therapy, as I have been for several years following my divorce. I’ve worked with a personal trainer for two years. I’ve lost 40 pounds. I mostly follow a diet healthy for me and have eliminated the worst of my personal poisons from my system (for me that’s sugar.) I’m in training to join a local women’s sports team, which I’m told comes with its own groupies. I write journals. I ask friends for reality checks. I’m out doing something almost every night where I could potentially meet someone new. I occasionally read self-help books, although popular fiction probably provides just as much if not more insight, and I read plenty of that too. I hang out here. I give advice when I think I have something to say. I try to take in others’ advice, including Moxie, when they have something valuable to say. There’s not much else I could try that I haven’t, except perhaps for embracing religion, and given my upbringing, that’s not gonna happen.

    Right now, a couple of guys are still in my life, including one who’s too busy to see me (which is true, but I’m too busy to see him too — our schedules have been completely opposite for a month or so now) and another with whom things are all over but having that conversation cutting each other loose, which I decided I wasn’t ready to ruin a good night over (not a sex night, but a fun activity that I’d been looking forward to for a while.)

    Am I perfect? No. Am I expecting perfection? Not by a long shot. All I want is someone who’s the same or better a companion and partner than my set of platonic friends, and who adds more to my life than he takes from it. But after an intense search for that, telling myself that making more of an effort than I’ve made in the past will be worth it, I think I just might be done for a while. There are things in my life which just may be a better ROI than looking for a male romantic partner, and it may be time to cut my losses. Whatever the universe brings to my door, even if it’s nothing, couldn’t be worse than what I’m actively soliciting from it at present.

    If you can relate to what I’m saying, maybe it’s time to stop trying as well.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 23 Thumb down 0

    • dimplz Says:

      Craig talked about going on tons of dates, as did Evan Marc Katz. It will most likely happen when you give up.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 2

      • Paula Says:

        Dimplz, I don’t know if I believe that. I know we say that to each other a lot. That’s also what happened with my ex-husband — I met him at a point when I had given up. Although in retrospect, I had probably also given up most of my defenses, some of which I should have held onto where he was concerned. This time, I’m hoping to hang onto the red flags I need to protect myself.

        I also don’t believe “Hold out for someone who has genuine interest and time to give you. He’s out there, but you risk passing him by while you waste time with men who aren’t the real deal” (from the “Deja Screw” post.) Sure, if you’re spending five nights a week with Mr. Wrong…but these days, what makes someone Mr. Wrong is that he has so little time and effort to give me, when coupled with what little I have left to give, that the least of my worries is wasting too much time actually *with* a guy, as opposed to doing all the things that are supposed to help me find him.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

        • Dimplz Says:

          I used to talk to my friends and family a lot, and they are all straight shooters. A lot of them told me I was too picky. That really was my #1 problem. The other glaring issue was that I’d stick around too long after I found out we didn’t want the same things (too long meaning months, not years; my family is very impatient). My sister told me I should say “yes” to more things in life, so I did. That doesn’t mean to say “yes” with reckless abandon. You may say that you have been open, but really, you just admitted that religion is where you draw the line (because of childhood), and that is knocking out a significant portion of the population. While not everyone is religious, a lot of people do have a belief system that they adhere to. I’m not invested in you or anyone else’s happiness, so if you choose to stay close-minded about that, it really doesn’t matter to me. I will say this – we create our own reality, and it’s based on our perceptions about the world and how we believe fit in it.

          From what you’ve said about your ideal, they’d have to have a good amount of disposable income, not be religious, not want to get married, not have children, love to be active and travel and want to date someone who is plus-sized. You may say you’re open-minded, but from where I am standing, this is pretty specific. Not to mention, someone who is active and doesn’t mind a woman with a few extra pounds? First, if you are a large woman, the assumption is going to be that you aren’t an active person. Second, even if you are in these groups that are active, people will still probably make the assumption that you’re doing it not because you are active, but because you just want to meet someone, and once you do, you will go back to being the lazy person they think you are. I think by setting yourself up to want to be with someone active, you are cutting out another large population of people. Your pool is much more shallow than you think, regardless of all the men you’ve dated and given a chance.

          I really have no suggestions at this point, because you’ve already said you’re not willing to relax your criteria (re: travel, activity), and until you can do that, you will feel defeated and hopeless, like you do now.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 2

          • Paula Says:

            Dimplz — I see where you’re coming from and appreciate your thoughtfulness. It’s hard to address what you have here, though, without revealing more information about myself than I’m comfortable doing in a public forum.

            Let’s just say the sport I’m active in has more than its share of larger women (I’m actually well below the norm size-wise (no longer plus-sized even though not at my ideal weight) and starting to wonder if that will be a disadvantage). If the only thing a couch potato does is come and see this sport (it has quite a fan following) then I might have a chance to meet him, and I wouldn’t necessarily reject him on that basis, especially since he’s more likely to be attracted to women with my body type.

            Basically, all I ask is that he care about himself enough and his health to make the effort. I gained 40 pounds in my last relationship because all he wanted us to do was eat. His diabetes and high blood pressure kept getting worse, and I felt helpless, even when I was setting a good example by getting my diet under control. It was a codependent situation that wasn’t healthy for both of us.

            Every situation is individual, of course, and I’m not rejecting guys with a few extra pounds (in fact, someone in my range is ideal — I’m more likely to not be interested in Mr. Hardbody). But like I said above, I’m closer to the point where I’m happy enough with myself and my life that I won’t be saying yes with reckless abandon to someone who’s not healthy for me to be with.

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

          • Paula Says:

            As for religion, I’m not rejecting anyone because of his religion, but the online dating service I’ve been using has questions about religion. So most likely, religious guys would be rejecting me based upon my honest answers to the religion questions. But lying to meet someone more religious seems very counterproductive, does it not?

            I rarely meet anyone religious anyway…I live in a major city, work in a politically progressive field filled with atheists, agnostics and non-religious people, and hang out in bars. I could go to the local mega-church’s singles night, but talk about something I’d be doing just to meet someone…I think they could smell my lack of sincerity from a mile away.

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0

        • Christina Says:

          Paula, I was the one who said that about holding out and possibly missing out, but it wasn’t with anything like your situation in mind. I was thinking of those women who spend months and years with a man who clearly isn’t committed and/or doesn’t treat her well. It sounds like you’re taking the right approach, and that approach simply makes it infeasible to waste time with someone who isn’t into you.

          I admire your efforts, and wish you luck!

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

    • Bree Says:

      Paula,

      I don’t try half as hard as you hon…..I agree with it either happens or it doesn’t…..My point exactly is there is no formula for love…what doesn’t work for some works very well for others…..some folks date for 6 months, get married and are happy and stay together…
      Imo it’s a matter of meeting “the one” for you. Someone who gives you what you need and most of what u want and they love you the way you need to be loved and the feelings are mutual.
      Sometimes people meet their “soul-mate” but not at the right time and for whatever reason they choose not to be with them.
      You also have folks who date and are in a relationship for almost 10 years and then get married and not even 5 years later get divorced.
      All depends on you and the mentality of the folks you date and deal with.
      Yes you choose who you date and what you deal with but you Cannot control other people and what they do and/or don’t do…..you can only control yourself and how you choose to deal with things.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 2

  6. Crotch Rocket Says:

    The thing that really frustrates me about this blog is that the folks writing in are almost never asking the right question–and in most cases, that question is either “why do I keep choosing to date only assholes?” or “why do only assholes want to date me?” Then again, if they were self-aware enough to ask that question, they probably wouldn’t need to ask it in the first place.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 16 Thumb down 0

    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      Then again, if they were self-aware enough to ask that question,

      Here’s something that popped in to my head this morning as I was drinking my coffee. I’d love for Pistola or anyone else with a psych background to chime in…

      I think a lot of this has to do with a lack of identity. It’s hard to be self-aware when you’re not self-actualized. Meaning, if you don’t know why you do what you do, how can you know who you are?

      I think what makes women so vulnerable to men like Bree’s ex is that they don’t have a strong enough sense of themselves. Which, in turn, causes them to attract or be attracted to people who also have no identity. Bree’s guy seems to get a lot of internal and external validation from being able to say he has a girlfriend. That’s why he moves them in very quickly and trots them out publicly. Having a girlfriend provides him with a sense of identity and security that he doesn’t have when he’s single. So what you have is two people who have no sense of who they are as individuals. She feeds off him and he feeds off her.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

      • Paula Says:

        Like seeks like. Whether you want to call it “leagues” or something else…I think that just as much as we seek out people with a similar level of physical attractiveness (or if we don’t, we have more trouble connecting), we consciously or unconsciously seek out people with similar mental health/emotional deficiencies/personality issues.

        Look at it this way: if you’re really emotionally healthy, you can probably sense when someone you meet or know isn’t, and part of emotional health would entail having the wherewithal to steer clear of toxic people. But if you’re not, it becomes…he’s like me! We connect! He understands me! Or: if I’m the one to fix him, everything else makes him a great guy. Or, because he identifies some of the similarities, he’s able to hone in and use them to manipulate and entangle her (or vice versa). Basically, it becomes “the devil you know.”

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 0

        • Dimplz Says:

          My friend who has the issue has the same problem I used to have. I can see a lot of potential in people, but just because you see potential in someone doesn’t mean they want to or will ever live up to that potential. The way you let go of that dysfunction is to acknowledge that your expectations are not the reality. We all have expectations, but to have an expectation that lies beyond the scope of reality, like say *hoping* that noncommittal man will realize how wonderful you are, is counterproductive. As is thinking that because you get along well that you’re a match. Those are the determining factors for the initial date, but they do not predict longevity: characteristics such as being reliable, keeping one’s word, making time, taking an interest in one and their family, friends, and interests, speaking respectively when angry, resolving issues without resorting to violence or non-communication, considering the other person when making big decisions and generally not doing anything to intentionally provoke you and admitting when one is wrong and apologizing, these are the things that are going to make or break you. Sleeping with someone on the first date, calling first, paying the tab, none of that amounts to a hill of beans if they have the aforementioned qualities because they won’t take you for granted or treat you like you’re disposable. The caveat is that it takes time to discover these qualities, so most people tend to move slowly when they want to be in a relationship. Had Bree gone the slow route and look for these qualities, she would have found her ex was no good sooner. The reason why people have so many issues with dating today is because they move too fast IMO. Slow and steady wins the race, you know? And you can’t rush it by talking all the time in the beginning and trying to find out everything all at once. This takes a few months at least. A lot of observing. Time to reflect. LISTENING. I had many mini-relationships like this. It’s frustrating and a little exhausting, but if a relationship is what you want, learn to be more patient. You’ll need it for when you are actually IN the relationship. :)

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 0

        • breebree Says:

          thats true for some Paula.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

      • Crotch Rocket Says:

        “It’s hard to be self-aware when you’re not self-actualized.” According to Maslow, self-actualization means “to become everything that one is capable of becoming.” The US Army put it more plainly: “be all you can be.” I don’t see how one could do that without already being self-aware.

        “Meaning, if you don’t know why you do what you do, how can you know who you are?” To understand why you do what you do is to know who you are, IMHO.

        “I think a lot of this has to do with a lack of identity.” That’s pretty much what I was getting at.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

    • Bree Says:

      Crotch Rocket if thats the case then u can generalize almost everybody as azzholes…..lol
      I’m being myself…but thats all I know how to be as it stands right now.
      I have no idea what specific things I’m doing to attract men who lie and cheat…(honestly I don’t think I’m doing anything in particular) I know 20 other women who attract men who lie and cheat too…some married. so what…….???

      Trust me I’m not going to only 1 place or only on 1 dating site to meet men…..I don’t only date tall men who look like models or only rich men……there is no certain “type” ……One common thing is that all the men regardless of whether they cheat and lie or not are respectful in how they treat me as far as being “gentlemen” and they are nice, kind, intelligent, good businessmen, if they have children the men I’ve dated have been very devoted and good fathers to their kids.
      And again not all of them have cheated…but I get quite a few liars who lie about being married or have girlfriends or who bs about wanting a committed relationship and wanting to be with one woman but when I don’t sleep with them I never really hear from them.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 4

      • Crotch Rocket Says:

        “I’m being myself…but thats all I know how to be as it stands right now.” That’s close to a tautology, since if you knew how to be someone else, that’s probably who you’d be.

        “I have no idea what specific things I’m doing to attract men who lie and cheat … I know 20 other women who attract men who lie and cheat too” So, why are you not asking why that is the case? It seems you’ve accepted that’s all that’s out there, which is quite certainly not true, and are instead asking how to deal with it.

        “all the men regardless of whether they cheat and lie or not are respectful in how they treat me as far as being ‘gentlemen’” Someone who lies to or cheats on you is not being respectful. Until you internalize that, you’re going to keep attracting, and therefore end up dating, only assholes. Expect men to be honest and faithful and do not accept anything less. That’s not to say your expectations will always be met, because there are assholes out there, but you’ll find a lot more men that aren’t. OTOH, such men will expect good character in a potential mate of their own, so you need to figure out whether you would meet their standards and, if not, it’s time for self-improvement.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

  7. Mark Says:

    The essential question you ask is: “But seriously how are you supposed to know if the words are backed up with actions and all the t’s crossed and i’s dotted and everything seems and sounds sincere???? How do u ever really know the truth about how a man really feels unless he flat out tells you…..??? ”

    Unfortunately there is never a sure fire answer for this one. Not reallly. Though I suppose that for the most part is if he seems to follow through with what he says. But even then then it’s merely a roll of the dice. Another way is a gut instinct test. Again, you may be wrong, but it’s relatively straightforward. A third is time. Time will tell ya’ know. Again, not always, but you get the idea.

    Once you get beyond that, then it becomes a matter of “it depends.” Ie the man, the woman, the situation and the circumstances. Just as someone who is naive can be lured in by someone, someone who is perpetually plauged by doubt will put off someone.

    I know it’s not much of an answer, but then again there are no 100% guarantees about it. From the flip side, men could probably make any number of similar claims about a woman.

    Best of luck.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 0

    • Bree Says:

      Mark I approve this message 100%….thank you.
      I totally agree…*smile*
      There is a song and pt of the words are “Sometimes love has no rhyme and no reason, even when you try to be true”

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 1

  8. trouble Says:

    I guarantee that with this guy, there were red flags that he was the way he was. You just weren’t seeing them. It was the same with my ex-husband, a chronic cheater. I was totally blindsided when I found ou that he was cheating on me, it was the one thing I thought he’d never do. But now, looking back, I don’t know for the life of me why I thought that. He “cheated” in every other area of life. He was always looking for the quick easy buck (instead of having a good work ethic and earning success through hard work). He felt entitled to things he couldn’t afford (instead of living within his means). If he could get someone to give things to him, he’d do that versus earning what he wanted. He was always looking for the angle, the shortcut, the scam.

    So why on earth did I think that he wouldn’t cheat on his marriage vows? Nearly chronic stupidity and neediness on my part, I think.

    I am not responsible for him cheating on me. But, when I owned my own responsibilities in the marriage: being so emotionally needy that I was willing to settle for a scrub, overlooking his mistreatment of me, overlooking his irresponsibility at finances and work…all of those things were things I chose. I CHOSE him. I wasn’t a victim, I chose to make myself a victim. If that was something I could choose, I could also choose differently. I would encourage the OP to spend some time alone, stop worrying about finding a man to complete her, and find a good therapist who can help her see her own role in all of this more clearly.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 11 Thumb down 0

    • bree Says:

      Trouble……with my ex i missed a lot because I simply wasn’t there…..it was a long distance relationship at first until I moved to be with him. Which was a blessing for me because once I lived with them then I saw up close and personal all the things I missed when I was only there on the weekends before……
      And u know what they say love is blind….I say love is deaf, dumb, and blind…lol Unfortunately such is life.
      Can’t always blame yourself…..sometimes u just let bygones be bygones and move the hell on and hopefully learn something from your experiences….*smile*

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 1

      • Crotch Rocket Says:

        “Can’t always blame yourself” True, but you can’t always blame other people, either. Once is bad luck and twice is coincidence, but three times is a pattern. If you have a pattern of dating bad people, then the problem is you, not them.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0

  9. Saj Says:

    The relationships that I had that were successful were similar to bree’s situation in that they moved fast. Met friends fast, met family fast, defining the relationship as exclusive was fast (within a couple of weeks and he would bring it up) sans the cheating (I hope). So you really can’t tell you just have to I guess after a while of having relationships work out for you trust your radar or if they same things keep happening take a deeper look into your radars wiring and figure out why it’s pointing you towards failure again and again.

    I don’t know if this is the cause or helped but I always did have a strong sense of myself and a strong preference for a type I knew how to get and knew how to market myself to. I also added on top of that after marketing myself to this type letting them come to me with interest and picking the one I liked the most so there tended to be more then your average amount of mutual interest going in. I took more time getting to know them online too, one a month and another a few months so a more genuine foundation for developing a friendship was in place.

    I’ve done the rapid fire online dating thing too but that never seemed to work out well because most of the time you had no time to flesh out some skeletons that would have made you avoid the date to begin with. Someone on a break with a girlfriend, leaving soon so long term not even an option, super duper rebound situation. I know the older people get they become more cautious and more impatient at the same time which seems to backfire. They want to meet as many people as possible as soon as possible but are scared to define anything or lock themselves down even if it is for a couple of weeks. It’s ok taking your time getting to know people and if you are impatient well take your time getting to know “a lot” of people and then hopefully you can get a better sense of them being a good person, dating partner, non asshole ahead of time and your overall dating success will go up.

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  10. sarah Says:

    I like the serenity prayer. It sounds to me like she has major codependency issues and should get her ass to CODA promptly!!! I agree w everyone that the problem is not the men, it is her. Until she figures out why she keeps picking the same type of guy, she will continue the same pattern. We all know the person who wont end one relationship until they have someone else lined up. Or who is never alone (read withouat a bf/ gf) for more than a month. Not because the new person is o great, but because the month spent alone was so painful and difficult for them. Usually it is people who dont make their own life rich and fun without a man/ woman who engage in this sort of behavior. they are so lonely and desperate that when someone, anyone (even charles manson) comes along, they latch onto that person for dear life. And instead of accepting that they arent the right person for them, they spend the next however long they date trying to fix/ change them. For codepents, t is preferable to finding someone more suitable.

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