I can’t tell he difference between a man who says yes because he is truly interested in me, and a man who says yes because he thinks I’d be a fun lay if he doesn’t have to work for it. The last few times I went out on dates with men I pursued online, they would end with the guy making the lamest attempt to bed me. I mean, I would say, “that was great, I had a lovely time” and he would answer, “oh, in that case why don’t we take things back to my place?” obviously a guy who would say that after a mediocre date is just taking a swing at the ball, does not even care if he strikes out. After this happened 3-4 times, I decided asking men out was not a success for me. Fact is, the number of men willing to fuck me is 100 times higher than the number who actually would like to get to know me (in addition to wanting to sleep with me too.) Maybe I am just a bad judge, maybe I asked out the wrong people, no idea. I just know that when men ask me out, it makes for a more successful date.
As for the men who *do* approach me, it has nothing to do with luck. I date men who ask me out, presumably because they are attract to me. (Actually, I only date men who think I’m hot, to be specific.) Dating the men who ask may seem like a silly strategy to you, but it is highly successful for me and most other women.- Vox
I think the real problem here is that Vox, and other women (myself included), seem to demonize men for hoping for sex. Many of us immediately assume that, because a man wants to to sleep with us, they don’t want a relationship with us.
Here’s my thoughts. I think that many men will try for first date sex. I think many men who try for first date sex also wants relationships, be it the newfangled casual relationships that used to be considered “dating” or a serious/committed relationship. Like I said in a comment recently, this idea of finding a man online who is going to show all the signs of wanting to commit by date 2 or 3 is just naive and counter-productive. If you’re not prepared to ride it out for at least a handful of dates and pitch yourself, then you’re better off staying home.
The second point I want to address is this idea that a mediocre first date means there isn’t room for improvement. It’s a first date. They’re awkward. They’re scheduled on off nights sometimes, often after work or in between appointments. I don’t know about any of you, but when I was getting ready for first dates with men I was meeting that I met online, I was a wreck. I think it’s hard to not become either hyper-sensitive or completely desensitized to the process after awhile. Someone has a couple of bad or disappointing experiences in a row and it’s hard to muster up the necessary confidence needed to get rid of those jitters. First dates from an online dating site usually lack the organic flow than if you met them in person or have a history. So keep that in mind.
I’m not sure how you can tell if a man who invites you back to his place after the first date is genuinely interested in you or not. If you’re saying things like “Well that was great, I had a lovely time” then how mediocre could it have been? And why is the guy discounted because he believes what you say and maybe takes that as an invitation to continue the night? Yes, if he’s asking you back to his place he’s likely hoping for sex. But why couldn’t it be possible that he actually enjoyed your company AND wants to have sex with you? (Mind you, I’m not just speaking to Vox here. I’m speaking to everyone.) I’m not saying you should have sex with him if you’re not comfortable. But I don’t think it’s an automatic strike against him for trying.
All that said, there are some men who use online dating sites just for sex. In my experience, those guy usually have various tells. Like:
They tell you they’re recently out of a relationship – Huge red flag. They’re pretty much putting a disclaimer on themselves and saying “I am in no way ready for a relationship.” OKCupid is full of these guys. Most sites are.
You sense that they’re out of your league - This is a biggie. If you find yourself questioning why this particular guy is asking you out, more often than not you’re right in assuming they’re not genuinely interested. However, if you’re frequently questioning a man’s motives or intentions, you need to work on your self-esteem.
They tell you – Men usually reveal what they’re looking for…if you ask. So ask. Clarify. Ask them about what encouraged them to sign up for the site. Of course, they’re going to leave things open should you two really hit it off. But usually these men just looking for sex will be pretty upfront. They might say that they’re “open to more” etc. But really they’re just trying to soften it because they know we look at men who overtly pursue sex as “dogs.” The men genuinely looking for a relationship will be sure to tell you, too. Just don’t assume because the guy doesn’t admit to wanting a serious relationship he’s just looking to get laid. He’s trying not to lock himself in to anything, and he’s right to do that.
Even if the men you meet show you these signs, you should still go to meet them. Because you don’t know. You’ll know at some point during the date what his true intentions are. Hell, he might have a date with you and really like you…and then go out with someone else the next night that he feels is a better match. Nothing about online dating is a guarantee.
One of the things I liked about OKCupid is that the men were pretty upfront about what they were looking for. I think with Match.com there’s a little more hiding of the true intentions, since “Play” and “Casual Sex” isn’t a relationship option.Watch for the men on OKCupid who say they’re looking for “new friends” and nothing else. There’s your tell. It’s tiny, and it’s at the bottom of the profile. But it’s there.
The rather brutal reality is that a large portion of people using online dating sites aren’t there for a relationship. They’re there to get dates, a meal, a roof over their heads and possibly sex. This goes for men and women.The problem is that many of these sites sell the chance at finding true love, so true love is what we expect and hope for. Then when it doesn’t happen, we retreat and we hide. Expectation management is the key.
Women don’t have the luxury of sitting back and waiting for men to contact them. True, if the guy is reasonably together, they’re going to be in demand. If you’re not willing to compete, then you’re better off sitting back and waiting for that half-way decent guy that you’re “meh” about to email you. Sure, it’s wise to accept that, after a certain age, our options lower somewhat and we have to be more flexible. That’s a smart approach. But to not even try for the guy that sets off your bells and whistles seems terribly defeatist.
Men won’t ask out a woman for a number of reasons, and she doesn’t even have to say a word for him to decide she’s not worth the rejection. I’ve dismissed guys based on vibes a number of times. Which isn’t to say I was right all the time. I’m just saying that we do it. People can pick up on all kinds of attitudes and mentalities before they even approach us. And, yeah, some of that stuff is us projecting our own insecurities. That’s why we have to be proactive. So why not show the guy that we’re safe and open by contacting them?
Vox, I’m confused at how you know, for a fact, that these men that ask you out think you’re “hot.” If you can’t tell which men just want to bed you, then how can you be so sure that – just because they are asking you out – it’s not for the same reason? I’d think there would be the exact same risk involved, no?
That’s what it comes down to. Risk. The less you’re willing to believe that someone might genuinely be interested in you for you and the quicker you are to make snap judgments, the more you’ll get in your own way. It’s okay to be cautious. But to expect the opposite sex to show you they’re genuine and sincere before you ever get to really know them is going to hold you back.