How To Tell If He’s Just Looking For Sex

I can’t tell he difference between a man who says yes because he is truly interested in me, and a man who says sexycouple5yes because he thinks I’d be a fun lay if he doesn’t have to work for it. The last few times I went out on dates with men I pursued online, they would end with the guy making the lamest attempt to bed me. I mean, I would say, “that was great, I had a lovely time” and he would answer, “oh, in that case why don’t we take things back to my place?” obviously a guy who would say that after a mediocre date is just taking a swing at the ball, does not even care if he strikes out. After this happened 3-4 times, I decided asking men out was not a success for me. Fact is, the number of men willing to fuck me is 100 times higher than the number who actually would like to get to know me (in addition to wanting to sleep with me too.) Maybe I am just a bad judge, maybe I asked out the wrong people, no idea. I just know that when men ask me out, it makes for a more successful date.

As for the men who *do* approach me, it has nothing to do with luck. I date men who ask me out, presumably because they are attract to me. (Actually, I only date men who think I’m hot, to be specific.) Dating the men who ask may seem like a silly strategy to you, but it is highly successful for me and most other women.- Vox

 

I think the real problem here is that Vox, and other women (myself included), seem to demonize men for hoping for sex. Many of us immediately assume that, because a man wants to to sleep with us, they don’t want a relationship with us.

Here’s my thoughts. I think that many men will try for first date sex. I think many men who try for first date sex also wants relationships, be it the newfangled casual relationships that used to be considered “dating” or a serious/committed relationship. Like I said in a comment recently, this idea of finding a man online who is going to show all the signs of wanting to commit by date 2 or 3 is just naive and counter-productive.  If you’re not prepared to ride it out for at least a handful of dates and pitch yourself,  then you’re better off staying home.

The second point I want to address is this idea that a mediocre first date means there isn’t room for improvement. It’s a first date. They’re awkward. They’re scheduled on off nights sometimes, often after work or in between appointments. I don’t know about any of you, but when I was getting ready for first dates with men I was meeting that I met online, I was a wreck. I think it’s hard to not become either hyper-sensitive or completely desensitized to the process after awhile. Someone has a couple of bad or disappointing experiences in a row and it’s hard to muster up the necessary confidence needed to get rid of those jitters.  First dates from an online dating site usually lack the organic flow than if you met them in person or have a history. So keep that in mind.

I’m not sure how you can tell if a man who invites you back to his place after the first date is genuinely interested in you or not. If you’re saying things like “Well that was great, I had a lovely time” then how mediocre could it have been? And why is the guy discounted because he believes what you say and maybe takes that as an invitation to continue the night? Yes, if he’s asking you back to his place he’s likely hoping for sex. But why couldn’t it be possible that he actually enjoyed your company AND wants to have sex with you? (Mind you, I’m not just speaking to Vox here. I’m speaking to everyone.) I’m not saying you should have sex with him if you’re not comfortable. But I don’t think it’s an automatic strike against him for trying.

All that said, there are some men who use online dating sites just for sex. In my experience, those guy usually have various tells. Like:

They tell you they’re recently out of a relationship – Huge red flag. They’re pretty much putting a disclaimer on themselves and saying “I am in no way ready for a relationship.” OKCupid is full of these guys. Most sites are.

You sense that they’re out of your league - This is a biggie. If you find yourself questioning why this particular guy is asking you out, more often than not you’re right in assuming they’re not genuinely interested. However, if you’re frequently questioning a man’s motives or intentions, you need to work on your self-esteem.

They tell you – Men usually reveal what they’re looking for…if you ask. So ask. Clarify. Ask them about what encouraged them to sign up for the site. Of course, they’re going to leave things open should you two really hit it off. But usually these men just looking for sex will be pretty upfront. They might say that they’re “open to more” etc. But really they’re just trying to soften it because they know we look at men who overtly pursue sex as “dogs.” The men genuinely looking for a relationship will be sure to tell you, too. Just don’t assume because the guy doesn’t admit to wanting a serious relationship he’s just looking to get laid. He’s trying not to lock himself in to anything, and he’s right to do that.

Even if the men you meet show you these signs, you should still go to meet them. Because you don’t know. You’ll know at some point during the date what his true intentions are. Hell, he might have a date with you and really like you…and then go out with someone else the next night that he feels is a better match. Nothing about online dating is a guarantee.

One of the things I liked about OKCupid is that the men were pretty upfront about what they were looking for. I think with Match.com there’s a little more hiding of the true intentions, since “Play” and “Casual Sex” isn’t a relationship option.Watch for the men on OKCupid who say they’re looking for “new friends” and nothing else. There’s your tell. It’s tiny, and it’s at the bottom of the profile. But it’s there.

The rather brutal reality is that a large portion of people using online dating sites aren’t there for a relationship. They’re there to get dates, a meal, a roof over their heads and possibly sex. This goes for men and women.The problem is that many of these sites sell the chance at finding true love, so true love is what we expect and hope for. Then when it doesn’t happen, we retreat and we hide. Expectation management is the key.

Women don’t have the luxury of sitting back and waiting for men to contact them. True, if the guy is reasonably together, they’re going to be in demand. If you’re not willing to compete, then you’re better off sitting back and waiting for that half-way decent guy that you’re “meh” about to email you. Sure, it’s wise to accept that, after a certain age, our options lower somewhat and we have to be more flexible. That’s a smart approach. But to not even try for the guy that sets off your bells and whistles seems terribly defeatist.

Men won’t ask out a woman for a number of reasons, and she doesn’t even have to say a word for him to decide she’s not worth the rejection. I’ve dismissed guys based on vibes a number of times. Which isn’t to say I was right all the time. I’m just saying that we do it.  People can pick up on all kinds of attitudes and mentalities before they even approach us. And, yeah, some of that stuff is us projecting our own insecurities. That’s why we have to be proactive. So why not show the guy that we’re safe and open by contacting them?

Vox, I’m confused at how you know, for a fact, that these men that ask you out think you’re “hot.” If you can’t tell which men just want to bed you, then how can you be so sure that – just because they are asking you out – it’s not for the same reason? I’d think there would be the exact same risk involved, no?

That’s what it comes down to. Risk. The less you’re willing to believe that someone might genuinely be interested in you for you and the quicker you are to make snap judgments, the more you’ll get in your own way. It’s okay to be cautious. But to expect the opposite sex to show you they’re genuine and sincere before you ever get to really know them is going to hold you back.

 

 

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66 Responses to “How To Tell If He’s Just Looking For Sex”

  1. Vox Says:

    I don’t demonize men for wanting to have sex with me. The day men stop wanting to have sex with me is the day that I stop getting dates altogether! My remarks really were meant to speak to the fact that men will go out with a woman they have no interest in, if they think there might be an easy lay waiting for them at the end of the evening.

    You really can’t tell whether a man who asks you back to his place at the end of a first date is interested in you or just hopes to bang you? Seriously? If you sitting there having drinks and the guy doesn’t ask you any question about yourself nor does he make an attempt to get to know you whatsoever (as was the case in my example) that’s a pretty strong indication that I am wasting my time if I want more than a quick lay.

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    • Crotch Rocket Says:

      That’s a rather odd response from you, considering Mox was just agreeing with what you wrote just a few days ago, as quoted above.

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  2. Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

    You really can’t tell whether a man who asks you back to his place at the end of a first date is interested in you or just hopes to bang you?

    I didn’t say that. You said that. I know the difference between a man who just wants to fuck me and a man who just wants to date me before I meet them. I have a pretty good idea of what they’re looking for before I even meet them.

    If you sitting there having drinks and the guy doesn’t ask you any question about yourself nor does he make an attempt to get to know you whatsoever (as was the case in my example) that’s a pretty strong indication that I am wasting my time if I want more than a quick lay.

    Then why are you saying that you had a great time and it was lovely? That sounds like a pretty atrocious date. You don’t strike me as someone who minces words or fears hurting someone’s feleings. So why be delicate in those situations?

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    • bree Says:

      Moxie,

      How are you so 100% sure of a mans intentions when you first meet them?
      Like you said yourself the “vibes” you get from a person can be totally off.
      Many times thats how people end up with their foot in their mouths by pre-judging people and by “assuming” they say “ass” is the first letters of “assume” for a reason..because most times when you “assume” things about other people.
      I don’t know what type of people you know Moxie, but I know from my experiences with the people I know that folks can be so complex and complicated and people are so multi-faceted that you can know a person for 10 to 20 years and they do something totally out of character or unexpected.
      I’ve heard several stories from older women in their 50′s and 60′s that their husbands of 20 plus years have left them for younger women. I know a guy who told me his wife he knew for 8 years married for 5 years he had know idea she was a lesbian until he read her diary.
      When folks want to hide something or a part of themselves they do it very very well.
      Now I hear alot about men who are on the “DL” ie downlow and married.
      Unless you have some psychic powers or some extra-ordinary ability to tell if someone is lying how can you possibly almost always know for a fact when someone is lying to you or bsing you immediately.???
      Granted with time and if you pay attention of course you can pick up on certain things…but then again things aren’t always what they seem.
      If your always on guard and always think folks are lying then imo you have some serious trust issues and will be hard pressed to maintain a lasting relationship. Plus if you don’t trust anybody how can you expect them to trust you…..???
      I had a friend of mine tell me a few weeks ago “everybody lies…..including you” (referring to me). If you are looking for someone who isn’t a liar then you will be hard pressed to ever find that person. Just not realistic.
      I also feel that there is no surefire way to know upon meeting someone if they are telling the truth about every single thing unless you can verify everything that person says.
      And even then there are no guarantees. I dated a guy who was married and I never knew it until I found out on my own. But I met and spent a considerable amount of time with practically his whole immediate family on both sides except his mom and I talked to his mom and dad on the phone and nobody in his family said a word about him being married. I mean I was around his aunts and uncles and cousins almost every weekend for an entire summer…again nobody ever said anything to me about him being married and beings as though that was his immediate family and he was pretty close to them and they were all pretty close-knit I’m quite sure they knew he was married.
      At any rate I feel like you take a chance and at the end of the day everyone you meet is going to have some stuff with them.
      It’s just a matter of what you choose to put up with and what you will not put up with. Because nobody is perfect.
      FYI to the author of this post, a man can marry a woman just to have sex with her or spend a considerable amnt of time wining and dining her and spending money on her just to have sex with her. Even in marriages men “pay” for sex in some form or fashion. I know a woman who bartered sex with her husband and said she had sex with her husband only when he brought her things and did what she wanted him to do.
      My dad gave me the best advice when he told me honestly All men want sex if they are attracted to you. Key is finding one who wants more than just sex if you want a relationship.

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      • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

        Unless you have some psychic powers or some extra-ordinary ability to tell if someone is lying how can you possibly almost always know for a fact when someone is lying to you or bsing you immediately.???

        Because I pay attention. It’s that simple. I tune out all the noise and chatter and advice from friends and I simply pay attention, watch and listen. There’s always a tell. People with the wrong intentions ALWAYS screw up eventually. Ask the right questions, and you’ll get all the answers you need based on their response. You learn more about what someone doesn’t say than what they do say. I also so what I can to surround myself with good, honest, well intentioned, emotionally healthy people. That way, when someone strays from what we’ll call a “baseline” you’ll know. You would do yourself a HUGE service if you would distance yourself from the parade of dysfunction you appear to mix with.

        You’d be amazed at how easy it is to read people when you don’t have a hundred different thoughts in your head and when you don’t doubt yourself and when you’re not consumed with thoughts of you, you, you.

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        • bree Says:

          I understand what your saying Moxie.
          But you said the operative word…”eventually”
          Because if your always on standby waiting for someone to screw up then are you really giving them a fair chance? Or are you condemning the person trying to prove them guilty before you give them a fair trial????
          It just seems to me like your waiting for the man to mess up and expecting it which doesn’t seem fair to him. Of course when you constantly look for flaws and screwups in other people u will find them cause nobody is perfect. But when do you get to the point that u care about and love a person enough to get past that.?
          Nobody is perfect and everyone screws up….One thing I have learned from married folks and people in long relationships is that no matter who your with your going to deal with some stuff….the main difference between married and non-single folks and single folks who have been single for a long time and choose to be single is that the married and non-single folks have chosen to put up with their partners flaws, lies, stuff or whatever…….not saying you should put up with bs and lying and cheating just to be with somebody because I don’t and I’m single….however as you get older and grow u must realize that in order to be with someone long-term there are flaws and stuff u will have to deal with that u may not like.
          I pay attention too…and I have absolutely every single time found out when a man was cheating on me or lying to me. However I don’t beat myself up over what I missed or think I wasn’t paying attention to this that and the third and watch over people I date like hawks and pyscho analyze everything….because the way I see a situation may not be what it really is…..
          And nowadays everybody is a crazy to a degree and has issues……….lol Once I want to move on I just move on and let it go.
          To date I haven’t met or known anyone with no issues at all……so how can you not be around dysfunctional people….??? lol

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          • chuckrock Says:

            there is a difference between having issues and being dysfunctional. Yes, we all have our own internal conflicts and issues but only those who let it take over who they are and control their personalities are dysfunctional.

            No one is perfect, this is true. And once you love someone and/or commit to someone you should accept their imperfections. However, normal people don’t lie ad cheat on those they love on a regular basis. If someone is doing this to you, you need to rethink about whether that relationship is worthwhile enough to continue.

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            • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

              However, normal people don’t lie ad cheat on those they love on a regular basis.

              This is a simplistic way of looking at life. “Normal” people lie and cheat all the time. The lying and the cheating doesn’t make them abnormal. Good people do bad things on a regular basis and vice versa. You don’t define the person by the one act.

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              • chuckrock Says:

                You don’t define the person by the one act.

                which is why i ended that statement by saying ‘on a regular basis’.

                and if you really think it is normal to lie and cheat on those you love, then you also have to take the advice you are giving to bree and surround yourself with better people. The people that I surround myself with do not lie and cheat on their loved ones ‘all the time’.

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                • bree Says:

                  Chuck I see your point….and no it is not right to lie and cheat on those u love all what expert of the human mind are you to classify what is and is not “normal”?????
                  You can only say what is normal to you….but u cannot say what is normal for everyone else. There may be something you do that can be classified as “abnormal”…..I think your confusing abnormal with wrong….yes it is very wrong to lie and cheat….but unfortunately lying and cheating and just sinning in general is part of human nature…….as long as people are living and existing that will never stop.
                  In fact most people that lie are “habitual” liars about one thing or another. Not many people realistically only lie a handful of times in their life…..we start lying as children and the reality is it never really stops unfortunately.
                  I know many people (especially women) who lie about their age all the time or people who lie about their weight or how they look or whatever…..as wrong as it is to most of us lying is as natural as breathing…..we do it without even thinking about it.

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              • bree Says:

                “The lying and the cheating doesn’t make them abnormal. Good people do bad things on a regular basis and vice versa. You don’t define the person by the one act.”
                Now that I agree with Moxie…..hell priests molest little boys and ministers have affairs all the time……not one of us is free from sin…granted we strive to do the right things but we all fall short……

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                • chuckrock Says:

                  pardon me, but anyone who molests little boys (or girls for that matter) is not a good person…no matter what else they do in their lives…priest or not.

                  Just the idea that you would use that at an example here tells me that you have a warped sense of what a ‘good person’ is.

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                  • bree Says:

                    I’m not saying chuck that anyone that molest children are good people….I’m saying that would be classified as abnormal….not simply lying and cheating.
                    Thats my point.
                    Chuck I have a degree in psychology….I have books that list every mental health disorder and abnormality currently known…..lying and cheating is not on that list….

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                    • chuckrock Says:

                      That’s not how your post cam off at all.

                      I’m not using the word ‘normal’ as medically defined (if there is even such a definition). I took my share of psych courses in college too…. I am using normal as something that the average everyday joe schmoe does.

                      Everyone lies…but the decent ones don’t do it regularly to those they love if you are around people who do, then i suggest that you haven’t surrounded yourself with decent people.

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          • dimplz Says:

            I don’t know how Moxie handles her friends, but the friends I have that are always in messes I keep at a distance. As a matter of fact, I keep almost all of my friends at a distance. I don’t involve myself in their personal lives, I only give advice if I hear constant complaints, and I don’t talk to any of my friends every single day. Conversely, I don’t saddle them with my problems all the time. I keep my mind occupied with my own interests, take care of my house, work, don’t spend all my free time on the phone (unless I’m playing Words with Friends) and generally make an active effort not to pry into anyone’s life. This doesn’t stop people from telling me things I don’t want to hear, but it sends out the message that I’m not available for daily complaints. I am the kind of person who will push you to change something about your life if you don’t like it, so when people get that about me, they only come to me when they genuinely want a push. If I meet a new person who makes me feel uneasy because they always have some kind of drama going on, I don’t call them and I never hang out with them. If it’s someone unavoidable, again I will keep my distance emotionally and physically when out. Conversations are short and I don’t ever agree to hanging out with them in a separate setting. Eventually, “drama” people seek those who are more than happy to engage them and/or are nosy and meddling.

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          • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

            To date I haven’t met or known anyone with no issues at all……so how can you not be around dysfunctional people….??

            And this, Bree, is the answer to all your questions and issues. There’s a whole world out there FULL of healthy people. But because you grew up, dated and have chosen to surround yourself with unhealthy people, you can’t one from the other.

            I pay attention too…and I have absolutely every single time found out when a man was cheating on me or lying to me.

            Congrats, Columbo. . Wouldn’t it be super if you, like, just stopped dating assholes?

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            • bree Says:

              Moxie my point is I didn’t know the men I dated were liars and cheaters upon meeting them.
              It took time to get to know them and spend time with them before I knew these things.
              I think it’s very hard to really know every single thing u may want to know about a person unless u actually live with them……when u live with someone then u see their daily habits and mannerisms and everything.
              And I know there are healthy people in the world…I’m not saying everyone is a nutcase…what I’m saying is there are no perfect people with no problems…….maybe you guys don’t know about the people in your lives trials, tribulations and issues…but that doesn’t mean they don’t have them….
              If everyone wasn’t goin thru something at sometime or another we wouldn’t be here having these conversations don’t u think……………

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            • bree Says:

              And Moxie I have no control over what the people I meet do or don’t do…..I’m not God…..I can only control myself…not others…
              Which is why I leave men alone once I find out they are lying and cheating.

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        • Joe Says:

          I think you are being naive. The best manipulators are extremely good at not showing tells; one key is that their behavior isn’t conscious. They are sincere. They also tend to be nuts and so internally operate outside the realm of normal human behavior and expectation. For many, they have no consience and lying is as easy as breathing and just as convincing.

          My ex-wife is such and it still shocks me at how good she can be. Despite knowing just how awful and emotionally abusive she was to me, I can’t be around her without questioning my own version of reality. Besides me, only my best friend, marriage counselor and a sister have truly seen through my ex., though for the others, it was largely becuase my ex tried to hard and didn’t trust her own instincts.

          One thing I have learned, however, and where we may be in agreement, is that it doesn’t matter if a “tell” that is important to you is indicative of something deeper or not.

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          • dimplz Says:

            It is rare to meet someone who is that manipulative though. I was involved with someone when I was in my 20s who was a pathological liar. Actually, I’m positive he still is, but I just don’t speak to him anymore. He fooled some people, but my mother knew he was full of it. What I’m trying to say is that while these people exist, they are in the minority, IMO.

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            • bree Says:

              Unfortunately dimplz manipulative people are not the exception from what I’ve seen.
              The corporate business world is full of liars and manipulative people….I work in Corporate America and see it daily…..not to mention politics……. omg.
              Ask people who are divorced and they will tell u about liars and manipulative people….there are very few nice non-stressful, amicable divorces…ask single moms about liars and manipulative people….
              It’s good that your surrounded by good honest people who do the right thing all the time and have great perfect lives….tell me where u live so I can move there too please…lol

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          • bree Says:

            you think I’m being naive how Joe?

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            • Joe Says:

              Sorry, ended up replying to the wrong person. I feel Moxie is being naive. I don’t trust anyone who claims they are great at reading people.

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            • Joe Says:

              No replied to the right person, but on long discussions, it’s hard to track who is responding to whom sometimes.

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      • chuckrock Says:

        I believe in giving people the benefit of the doubt and trusting that they are being honest to me until proven wrong by them. I refuse to most believe that most people lie regularly.

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        • Crotch Rocket Says:

          “I refuse to most believe that most people lie regularly.” You will most likely be disappointed by reality, then. Most people lie to themselves first and foremost, to the point they may not even realize they’re lying to others, because they’re fully immersed in the false reality they’ve crafted around themselves and can’t even conceive that others aren’t in there with them.

          If you can’t see this, then either you’re extraordinarily lucky or, more likely, you’re one of them.

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          • chuckrock Says:

            That is a pretty delusional sense of reality you have CR.

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            • Crotch Rocket Says:

              Rather than simply saying I’m wrong, which could have been (and probably was) easily noted with a thumbs-down vote, perhaps you could explain why you think I’m wrong.

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              • chuckrock Says:

                You’re wrong because I live in this world and know the people I interact with and are friends with. I know them not to be regular liars or cheats.

                Also, you pretty much called me a liar, and thus have proven to me that you have no idea what you are talking about.

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          • bree Says:

            “Most people lie to themselves first and foremost, to the point they may not even realize they’re lying to others, because they’re fully immersed in the false reality they’ve crafted around themselves and can’t even conceive that others aren’t in there with them”
            CrotchRocket your sooooo right on this one….

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            • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

              Please simply voite them a thumbs up or thumbs down rather than writing a comment just to say you agree. Thanks.

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      • Vandellish Says:

        Haaa!!!
        Great post…it reminds me of an online debate I witnessed a while ago:
        http://survivingdating.com/why-women-ignore-men

        What I learned from this is that women typically feel that they are pretty accurate at reading men whether they are right or wrong this is what women think of themselves. That little piece of knowledge has helped me immensely.

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        • LostSailor Says:

          Wow.

          That’s quite a post and comment thread. It had a little of everything: extremely solipsistic declarations and assertions that when questioned or challenged resulted in ignoring the substance of the challenge (“it just is because I say so!”) and immediately jump to hostile and insulting ad hominem attacks. And they also managed to bring in nearly all of the usual feminist canards raised when anyone, but particularly men, make any such challenge to or question of a feminist’s unsupported statement: men are by turns (and seemingly all at the same time) immature, intimidated, self-entitled, etc. I’m only surprised that penis size wasn’t mentioned, then the circle would be complete…

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    • Vox Says:

      I say “I had a nice time” for the same reason men say it to me at the end of a mediocre date: it’s a polite, easy way to end things and move on. You are right, I’m not the type to mince words. That said, the truth need not always be told. I certainly don’t want to hear the truth in every situation, and I’m guessing other people feel the same. “This evening was better than drinking alone while watching The Tudors on Netflix, but I have no interest in a repeat because you are boring and not attractive to me” may be the truth but I’ll keep it to myself.

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    • Vox Says:

      I know the difference between a man who just wants to fuck me and a man who just wants to date me before I meet them. I have a pretty good idea of what they’re looking for before I even meet them.

      Ah, so your dates come from online people only. My recent dating life has been split 50/50 between online people and men I’ve met in real life. Of men I’ve asked out – which was the purpose of the post quoted for this thread – I’d say 80% were men I met in real life and 20% were online attempts. It’s just not the same thing as sifting through profiles.

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  3. 2 cents Says:

    So OkCupid is a booty call site, Match is 50/50? Is eharmony the best place for long term?

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    • chuckrock Says:

      I have not found that at all. I have found good dates on okcupid, match, and plentyoffish. Eharmony was atrocious and I even got a refund from the company because it did nothing for me that it advertised.

      I believe in any group of potential dates whether it be an online site or a bar or a networking mixer there will be a similar selection of weirdos, people who don’t want relationships and good people So don’t villainize any one particular site or online dating in general.

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      • 2 cents Says:

        I wasn’t villianizing a site or online dating. I was on Match for quite a bit. I was going off this info:

        “One of the things I liked about OKCupid is that the men were pretty upfront about what they were looking for. I think with Match.com there’s a little more hiding of the true intentions, since “Play” and “Casual Sex” isn’t a relationship option.Watch for the men on OKCupid who say they’re looking for “new friends” and nothing else. There’s your tell. It’s tiny, and it’s at the bottom of the profile. But it’s there.”

        I have not been on other sites to know their reputation.

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    • Vox Says:

      I don’t know about that, my new boyfriend is from OKC. I think the site has a wide variety of people.

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    • Teeka Says:

      Although it’s a bit off topic, I just wanted to give 2 cents my 2 cents: I have met men on eHarmony who were only interested in sex. It’s also been my experience that most guys on okCupid only want sex. I haven’t been on Match.com in years, but when I was, I got a pretty strong casual sex vibe there too. But that is just my experience. It could be completely different for someone else. No one site is better than the other, in my opinion.

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      • bree Says:

        Teeka most all men who find u attractive (No Matter Where U Meet Them) will want to have sex with you.
        Men are very visual highly sexual creatures……You can meet an old man in his 70′s at church and if he finds you attractive if u gave him the chance he would sleep with u quicker than a NY minute.
        Why do people continue to compare and contrast meeting men at public places vs meeting them online………bottom line at the end of the day….men are men are men are men…..

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      • Crotch Rocket Says:

        Any guy who contacts you online or approaches you in person is interested in sleeping with you; otherwise, they wouldn’t have. Some of them may be interested in more as well after they know you and some won’t; that’s just how it goes. However, if you are only finding guys that only want sex, that says more about you than them–or the particular venue you’re using to meet them.

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  4. VJ Says:

    I’m mostly with Moxie here. Confusion abounds. Let’s break this down into parts.

    Vox says: “(Actually, I only date men who think I’m hot, to be specific.)” And further:

    “The day men stop wanting to have sex with me is the day that I stop getting dates altogether! My remarks really were meant to speak to the fact that men will go out with a woman they have no interest in, if they think there might be an easy lay waiting for them at the end of the evening”.

    A: Well then some guys will have an interest, and think you’re ‘Hot’ and a goodly portion of those will want you for principally this one reason. It’s still a good enough reason, and on that you both Agree, right?

    So what’s the real issue here? You want them to get to know you better? But ‘getting to know them better’ is not listed as one of your main criteria here, the recognition of your Hawtness is. Ergo we’ve got this same confusing dynamic whereby you present the hamburger to the dog, and then yank on the leash expecting something other than the natural response of the guy/dog to more or less lunge at it. And yet you chose him for that characteristic!

    And then you demand that unstated/unknown/unknowable ‘something more’ they must now present/state/demonstrate before you’re fully satisfied with them? And you’ll remain unsatisfied until this indefinable ‘something’ makes itself known somehow, someway. And you think you’re confused?

    You’re right about that! But so is everyone else.

    So why not keep it simple? If you want them all to consider you hot, (a strategy which has it’s natural limits, See: Nora Desmond), then stick with that as you’re most comfortable with that. If they stick around after a few months, you’ve got something of an answer. But if you’re going to insist that each & every one of them consider you ‘their hot GF’, well that’s got a natural expiration date built right into it, see?

    Perhaps to begin to know better what the guys are thinking or how you’re regarded, you might want to revise your original criteria with age. But even if you think that’s all nonsense? Sticking with your guns Will get you a man eventually. And historically some, even most of them have stuck around for awhile too.

    If that’s your strategy, you just need to refine your game for the pool of contestants you’re attracting. This is why it sometimes helps to add another other variable of asking on your own from those that interest you.

    Just some thoughts. Cheers, ‘VJ’

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    • Vox Says:

      FEW men consider me hot – I most certainly fall under the category of average. However those that do, treat me quite well and are easier to date. I’m not a man so I can’t say for sure, but it seems to me that physical sexual attraction is #1 for men. I’ve dated plenty that thought I was attractive enough, but those are the ones who just want to sleep with me if I keep it simple and do as they wish in 3 dates or less.

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  5. Joe Says:

    Let me get this straight; you go out on a date. It’s merely okay. The guy awkwardly asks for sex. You accept or turn him down. And the issue is? Seriously, what’s the issue?

    What if the date was great? What if the date sucked, but the guy turned you on? And you have never slept with a guy in whom you saw no long term prospect?

    So, you switch tactics. How successful has that been? You still aren’t in a long term relationship. So that’s been a total fail too, or are we all supposed to ignore the obvious?

    Guess what? There are no tricks to getting into a relationship. There is no game. You simply keep meeting people until someone clicks with you and you with them. That takes time and work. However, with almost everyone I know who is married (and has a reasonably good marriage) the woman played a very active roll in the relationship–they didn’t just sit back and get asked out. Contra wise, I have several single friends and siblings, every one of which does NOTHING but wait. (My brother did pursue and very nice woman, but then played it so safe, she dumped him and moved on.)

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    • Vox Says:

      I never said the bad date was the end of the world, and I didn’t write in a letter to complain. Those were comments made in response to someone else. Mediocre date, he tried, I declined, the end. (And actually I am in a relationship now. It’s new, but going quite well so far! Frightening so… But thats another topic)

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  6. Charlie Says:

    “I can’t tell he difference between a man who says yes because he is truly interested in me, and a man who says yes because he thinks I’d be a fun lay if he doesn’t have to work for it.”

    So what? Both genders pull this crap and it’s incredibly aggravating no matter who you are. Here, have some examples of what a guy might say in your position:

    I can’t tell if she said yes because she is truly interested or just wants attention.
    I can’t tell if she said yes because she is truly interested or just wants free entertainment.
    I can’t tell if she said yes because she is truly interested or just thinks I want to be only friends.
    I can’t tell if she said yes because she is truly interested or just doesn’t want to say no to my face.

    I know this is the pot calling the kettle black but seriously if you stop asking people out entirely all you are going to do is significantly reduce the chances you have of meeting someone special. Like that gag on south park said, “If you want to meet someone nice you have to wade through all the dicks first.”

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  7. Mark Says:

    Tough. Isn’t it?

    I mean you go out with someone and one of the core questions for a woman is the one you just asked. Either online or in real life. Especially if the only thing the are really (I stress really) looking for is a hookup and that’s all.

    How might you tell those who are simply looking for a quick score vs. those who see physical intimacy as part in parcel of the whole package? One is that some guys are up front about it. A second is that you will hear a line like the one you posted in your letter. In essence they are moving more than a little too fast for your comfort level. Or they might tell you all the things that someone in your position wants to hear-players or player wanna bee’s can be pretty good at that. That can be tough since you say you only date men that tell you they think you are ‘hot’ (a sure fire ego booster to the recipient).

    So one suggestion might be to let them know from the onset you are probably going to take things a little slow. The guys in it only for the sex will very possibly lose much interest and move on. On the other hand if you find a guy that you really connect with and keep putting things off unecessarily, he may think that there is something else going on in your life and he may decide to look to someone else. So go slow…just not too slow. If he is legitimately interested in you he may wait and establish a comfort level of trust. Take it from there.

    As for the on line vs. real life distinction. OLD merely offers a snapshop of a particular individual. Anyone can tailor pictures and profiles to suit there particulars. Real life is 3d. So you get to see them in a more natural manner. Of course any 1st impression may change, but if you are finding success in one area over then another, then it makes some sense to go with what works for you and focus on that.

    In any event best of luck.

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    • pistola Says:

      I’m really enjoying the acronym of OLD for online dating. It is so old! The new hot thing is to…meet people in real life! Has anyone heard of it?

      In my quite limited experience with the OLD, and with my current boyfriend, I found that men who were really interested in relationships were running their own set of filters and therefore were not looking to rush into sex. The thing was, I had to be patient because it was hard for me to tell if they were interested in me romantically for some period of time. I had to be willing to go on date after date and get to know them as people because they weren’t looking for anything quick or casual. One turned into a great, wonderful friend. The other is now my boyfriend.

      Again, my experience is quite limited, but I also found that the men who wanted sex earlier DID want relationships, but more the type of relationship that involves minimal intimacy and effort. Something I’d describe as “committed and monogamous but emotionally superficial.” That’s certainly one kind of relationship people can go for and I have no problem with it; it just wasn’t a fit for me personally.

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      • nathan Says:

        I totally agree with pistola’s points here, as one of those men who is moving slower and looking for a relationship. I’m betting a share of women I have gone on first or second dates decided I wasn’t interested because I didn’t up the physical ante beyond a kiss or two perhaps. I’m also not overly flirty and tend to show interest in more subtle ways, like asking lots of questions, using lots of eye contact, and listening closely to what she is saying. My approach goes against what’s normal in a lot of ways, and also flouts the hell out of these male stereotypes that get tossed around like candy on these dating blogs.

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      • WO7 Says:

        It sounds so easy coming from a woman. Easy for them to say for two reasons.

        1. They are rarely the ones who have to garner the guts to face rejection right in the face.
        2. On the few occasions they do, the chance that a man will rudely shoot them down is close to 0%.

        No matter how undesirable a woman is, I have never been rude to someone who took the time to come over and speak to me.

        However, I have had various shitty things happen to me when I take the time to approach a woman.
        1. Completely ignored, as if I don’t exist.
        2. Ignored, and then her and her friends make some joke about it and laugh.
        3. Had some nasty/rude thing said to my face.

        Now before all you haters cream your pants at the thought of using those three things to insult me..I’m not saying these are the majority. But on the average night out in a bar/club/lounge trying to meet someone, one of those three things happens 1 out of every 5 times on average. #1 is probably the most common.

        On an unlucky night, your first two tries result in one of the 3. Usually that’s enough to make the entire night suck.

        The beauty of online dating, is the rejection is simply in the form of an ignored email. And as guys, we have to send out so many emails that we can’t even be bothered to waste a moments thought on the emails that were ignored. So when we finally do go out with a woman, we know that she is interested in us in some way, and it is on us to make or break the situation.

        I’m not saying there is no place for meeting people in the “real world”. But I do think women need to appreciate that it’s not as easy as they make it sound.

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        • pistola Says:

          It’s a good point, WO7. I just don’t think there’s anything about dating that’s “easy” no matter what. But I appreciate the truth of what you say.

          I’d actually encountered my BF before and would have again, as we run in similar circles and have similar interests. He’d noticed me before, but hadn’t approached me because I walked into his workplace and his job discourages socializing with customers. On my end, if I’d run into him (likely) while doing a performing gig, it’s likely that I would either not have noticed or responded to meeting him because in that environment I’m in a “work” mindset as well–a very different place mentally than when looking for romance.

          Still, I suspect we would have connected eventually. Craigslist just made it happen faster.

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  8. Cindy Says:

    I find it even simpler than that. First date: No expectations, don’t sleep with the guy, don’t over think it and don’t go to eachother’s homes. If he doesn’t call you for another date after not sleeping with him on the first date, you’ll know. If he doesn’t call you after you’ve had sex on the first date, you’ll know too lol.

    After that..don’t sleep with them until you are completely comfortable with the guy. In my own past experience, if I had sex too soon it blinded me from things that were red flags or things I really didn’t want in a man (my own deal breakers). Now I tell them all up front, “I take things very slowly” Most guys don’t need any more elaboration than that exact statement. They know it means “I’m not going to sleep with you right away but I am interested in seeing where this will go”. Heck, I’ve had “good guys” say exactly the same thing to me. :)

    And I don’t think there’s anything wrong with approaching a man and lett him know I’m interested. However, after he knows I’m interested he can do a little chasing to let me know he’s interested by officially asking me out.

    I guess it boils down to your own strength and confidence and knowing exactly what you want from a man. :)

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    • bree Says:

      Cindy also consider the fact that a man can “wait for it” and still leave you for the next thing smokin that he wants….he can also be married or have a girlfriend and you wait and sleep with him and find out all types of stuff and still regret sleeping with him and ever meeting him. Or you can see a different side of him that u don’t like after the fact…
      It boils down to paying attention to Everything about that man and if your comfortable with him and care about him enough then do it with no regrets no matter what happens.

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  9. DrivingMeNutes Says:

    “Now I tell them all up front, “I take things very slowly” Most guys don’t need any more elaboration than that exact statement.”

    True, they don’t need more elaboration because it is bullshit. Most women say this type of thing because women view this as a means of distinguishing themselves from other women (“I’m not like the other girls who normally sleep with you early on.”) Some even say this as they are literally inviting you up to their apartment for sex. It is said to me so often that I view it as an essential part of the dance of first time sex for a woman and to have no substantive meaning. It certainly is not effective in screening out the guys who are so-called “just looking for sex.”

    It doesn’t matter what you say. It doesn’t matter what the guys says. The only way to “screen” for guys who “just want sex” is to not have sex, in which case you are screening out all guys, even the so-called “good” ones.

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  10. nathan Says:

    I have to agree with DMN that actions speak much louder than words. I have also had women tell me “I want to go slow” and then either in the same date, or the next, she’s ready to have sex. You have to make the decision to wait, and then let the chips fall as they will.

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    • DrivingMeNutes Says:

      “You have to make the decision to wait, and then let the chips fall as they will.”

      Or, you can make the decision not to wait and let the chips fall. .

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    • dimplz Says:

      I tell men that I go slow once I have that first kiss or when we have that conversation and it goes into sexual territory. Some women actually do back up what they say. I’m one of them. Why do other people say it and not back it up? Most likely, it’s because they are succumbing to temptation and their desires? Why do people cheat on their diets? Poor self-control? An unwillingness to be temperate? It’s not the end of the world. It’s when you go against what your conscience is telling you to do that you run into problems.

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      • Crotch Rocket Says:

        “Some women actually do back up what they say.” True. However, my experience is that for every woman that has stuck to her guns, there are at least nine that don’t. In particular, the “I don’t normally do this” line is so ridiculously overplayed by women who apparently do normally do that it has become confusing to men when a woman actually means it.

        (An alternative explanation is that nine out of ten women find me so incredibly attractive they just can’t help themselves; while that’d be a nice ego boost, I find it unlikely.)

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        • dimplz Says:

          Oh absolutely. I wish I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard people say things they wouldn’t do and turn right around and do it. I’d be rich.

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  11. Mike Says:

    You can only be yourself and not try to be someone else. But is there something in your personality that turns guys off?

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  12. sarah Says:

    One surefire way to tell if he was just in it for the sex is if you refuse to go back to his place! If he calls you again, he is interested; if not, he never was, and sex with you was not going to change that. Having said thet, anyone i would go on a date with (who I liked) had better want to sleep with me!!!!!!! Doesnt mean we will sleep together on the first date (or even before however long til I feel comfortable). But it would be quite hard (pardon the pun) to pursue someone you did not want to sleep with or be pursued by someone you had zero interest in.

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    • Crotch Rocket Says:

      “refuse to go back to his place! If he calls you again, he is interested” Um, no. If he calls again, that may just mean he’s bored or his options are limited, so he’s willing to continue investing in getting laid. And that’s where the problem lies: the guys who were genuinely interested in more may give up before the ones who weren’t, so how many dates a guy is willing to wait for sex is useless as a barometer of interest in anything other than sex itself–and you already know he’s interested in that if he asked you out in the first place.

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  13. sarah Says:

    CR, not necessarily if it is an online date. True, beforehand you would know if you were sexually attracted, but not so much w someone you never met face to face. I guess my point was to wait to sleep w someone at no predetermined time, just when you feel comfortable and reasonably sure that they want more than just sex. Its still all a crapshoot, as there very astute plaers who have no “tells”

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  14. Dave Says:

    I’m a man and we try to bed you on the first date in order to ascertain your promiscuity. It’s a modern reflex based on societal analysis and the evolution of our own promiscuity, of which is evolutionarily and generically in built.

    Given that we’re all meant to settle immediately and any deviance from faithfulness is unacceptable, we test you in the way that we will be tested for decades to come.

    If you sleep with us immediately, we won’t commit to you. If the guy does commit post this occurrence, it won’t last.

    6 weeks is the optimum “waiting period” based on you seeing one another at least twice a week.

    I hope I’ve helped at least one person here.

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  15. Renaissance Says:

    You can pay as much attention as you want but during online dating I came across two (that I know of) very experienced liars/cheaters. In both cases they managed to lure me into a relationship. Eventually (as Bree says) I found out but it has traumatised me. I am not particularly naive; I just cannot imagine that someone lies to that extent since I would never do it myself. I will never accept that someone tells me that I could have avoided this by paying more attention. Someone told me: “Only a thief thinks that someone will steal from him.” Well I am clearly not a thief…

    I had an open and trustful attitude towards these men, I gave them the benefit of the doubt. When the red flags became too blatant, I searched for the truth and when I found out that I had been betrayed, I ended the relationship AND I told the other woman in the situation (maybe there was more than one but I did not find that out). In one situation he was kicked out of the house (and blamed me for destroying his life – hihi). In the other situation the woman was angry with me as I was the bad woman who seduced her man (yeah right, it was me who made him put a profile on a dating site and declare his love to me).

    The result of this is that I am not dating for the moment. It took me a while to recover from these situations and I started a training course which takes up a lot of my time. I plan to date again in the future and think I have no other option than online dating but I have to admit that I am scared. I had and have a rather comfortable life as a single and I don’t want someone to create new turbulence in my life. When I will date again, I will take a lot of time getting to know someone.

    People who lie and cheat are not good people; this is never one incidence but a pattern instead. This is not a matter of “we all have flaws”. No, some people have major flaws and no conscience and create havoc in other people’s lives…

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