Why is He Avoiding Commitment? – Redux

Name: Anne |  | Location: Chicago , IL |Question: So this is kind of a long story.  I am planning on breaking up with my boyfriend because he travels a lot for work, and when he is home he is really non- committal.  Our nearly 3 year relationship has been gradually deteriorating for a while, but I was trying to make it work.  A few months ago, while my boyfriend was on a business trip, I started flirting with a guy who is very good friends with my best friend’s boyfriend.  He told our mutual friends that he was interested in me, and asked for my number.  They told him that I was in a relationship, but that things were not going well, so that maybe he could ask me out at some point. Every time this guy hangs out with my friend’s boyfriend he asks about me.  Finally, last weekend when they were hanging out, he decided he was going to ask me out, even though my relationship wasn’t officially over.  I am planning on officially ending things with my current boyfriend, but he is currently on a 3 week business trip, and I do not want to do it over the phone.  Other guy and I went out for drinks last weekend, and ended up hanging-out and talking for about four hours.  He picked me up, and dropped me off, and wouldn’t let me pay for anything.  During our date he said several things that made me think that he would like to see me in the future, like offering to help me learn how to drive and offering to burn me a copy of a CD he owns that I liked.  When he dropped me off, he said that if I was around later that weekend maybe we could do something with my friend and her boyfriend.  He never called me after our date.  My friend told me that I should call him because he had taken a risk calling me while I was still in a relationship and that it was my turn to call and ask him out.  I don’t usually call boys because I like to feel pursued, but I did and he still has not called back.  I’m confused about what is going on.  Did our date not live up to his expectations, since he has been waiting around for me to be available for a long time?  Is he turned off by me being very recently out of a long-term relationship?  I think it is rude of him not to return my call.  If he is not interested any more than that is fine, but we have mutual friends and will most likely run into each other at some point.  We can’t really just avoid seeing each other again, so I think the mature thing would be for us to talk and try to be friends, regardless of what happens romantically.   What is his deal? I think it is probably too soon for me to be dating anyone new, but that doesn’t mean we can’t talk.(Also you ran my post last month on why I want to break up with my current boyfriend..not sure if that’s relevant.)  |Age: 28

Wait. Didn’t you submit this letter just a few weeks ago?

Is he turned off by me being very recently out of a long-term relationship?  I think it is rude of him not to return my call.

You are still in your relationship. You can’t just decide to mentally extricate from your relationship and think that’s the same thing as talking to your partner and telling them, to their face, that things are over. Your friends shouldn’t be shooting their mouths off about the status of your relationship, either. Wonder how your boyfriend would feel if he heard what they said? And do you really think, should he ever run in to your friend’s boyfriend or should they go out for beers or what have you, that your friend’s boyfriend won’t tell him what you did? You truly believe that your little dalliance is going to stay a secret? You are terribly naive.

He’s not rude for not returning your call. He doesn’t owe you anything. He took you on one date. He’s not interested. There’s your answer.

I think it is probably too soon for me to be dating anyone new, but that doesn’t mean we can’t talk.(Also you ran my post last month on why I want to break up with my current boyfriend..not sure if that’s relevant.)

You’re right that it is too soon for you to be even stressing about this. You haven’t even done the respectful thing and told your boyfriend that you wish to break things off.

Maybe this guy hasn’t called you because, like, you’re technically cheating on your boyfriend. I mean, fine, you didn’t have sex with the guy. But the fact that he even asked you out while you were still with your boyfriend, or even if he believed you had just recently broke up with him, tells you everything you need to know.

During our date he said several things that made me think that he would like to see me in the future, like offering to help me learn how to drive and offering to burn me a copy of a CD he owns that I liked.

This would be the part of the date where the warning bells go off. The “we” chatter. The talk of future plans before you’ve even gotten through the first date. This guy was saying these things to butter you up. Then one of two things happened: He either didn’t get laid, which was what he wanted, so bailed. Or he just wasn’t interested in seeing you again. Either way, this situation is over. Further thought and analysis is simply wasted energy. He changed his mind, or was never terribly interested to begin with. Such is life. Such is dating.

Aren’t you glad you’re single now? Because this is what you have to look forward to. So I’d be really, really sure you’re ready to throw away those 3 years. It’s funny how, when an opportunity of something more presents itself, you’re ready to take the jump from what you have with someone else. That’s not very loyal, and I’d think if there’s one thing that men want in a partner is loyalty. Someone who has their back. You do not have your man’s back. Even if things are deteriorating, you still spent three years with this man. You owe him more than what you are giving.

You seem incredibly impatient. You want instant gratification and confirmation of where a guy stands. If he doesn’t move quickly enough or on your time table, you dispose of him. That’s not going to bode well for you when you start dating again. Few men will tolerate that. I think you need to address your own control issues before you even consider getting in to another relationship. Or leaving your current one.

UPDATES ON SATURDAY, JUL 9TH:

I meant to add this when I first wrote this post:

We’ve talked about rebound relationships and when is it too soon to move on etc. What disturbed me so much about this letter, and similar situations, is that it displays an alamring level of emotional detachment. Of course this guy was going to be hesitant to take this woman out again. Who wouldn’t be? To me, someone who can jump from a moderately long term (2yr+) relationship to another relationship with little time in between is not safe. If I met a man and he had said that he and his girlfriend of 3 years had broken up a handful of months ago or less and he was looking for a new relationship, I’d be wary. It would make me wonder just how emotionally invested they were in their previous relationship. It would also make me question how they are wired emotionally. I get that some people move on quickly or emotionally detach long before the actual break up occurs. I just don’t think they’re ability or choice to go from one relationship to another so quickly bodes well for the next relationship.

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40 Responses to “Why is He Avoiding Commitment? – Redux”

  1. trouble Says:

    Going on a fix-up date before you’ve even broken up with your boyfriend of 3 years? Classy move. Maybe you should resolve your current relationship situation before pursuing new options. If this is what you were like to date (always focused on the next thing instead of dealing with what is right in front of you), I can see why your current boyfriend was so non-committal. Smart move on his point.

    You are not ready for a serious relationship, and you definitely aren’t ready for marriage, which will require you to suck it up and work things out for years at a time.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 12 Thumb down 4

  2. Angeline Says:

    HEHE I love it when you call people out for their toolish behavior. One of my pet peeves is people who line up the next nest before they’ve left the current one.

    The part about “The “we” chatter” I wish I’d read before I started dating again after my divorce. Hugely important point.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 1

  3. Dimplz Says:

    I think it’s troubling that you went on one date and think something is going to come out of it. Ever think the guy might not think you have much integrity and would do the same to him when the going gets tough?

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 9 Thumb down 0

    • Dimplz Says:

      And not for nothing, there are driving schools. You should exercise more initiative and take classes if you are so inclined to learn.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 4

      • Anne Says:

        I was going to go to a driving school. The offer was to take me out for additonal practice once I had some lessons.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

  4. DrivingMeNutes Says:

    ” I am planning on officially ending things with my current boyfriend, but he is currently on a 3 week business trip, and I do not want to do it over the phone.”

    My favorite line. Yes, you draw the line at breaking up over the phone because that would be sooo inconsiderate and rude. But, going out on dateswith other guys is perfectly fine? Personally, I think it’s okay to break up over the phone AND go out on dates when your boyfriend is away. If you can’t be righteous, at least be consistent.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 12 Thumb down 0

  5. 2 cents Says:

    Forget these men issues, why can’t you drive?

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 11 Thumb down 3

    • Anne Says:

      When I lived in NYC, there wasn’t much point in getting a drivers license because everthing is accessible to public transportation, and there was no place to park a car in my neighborhood. When i moved to Chicago, the public transporation where i lived was good, and I didn’t want to deal with trying to drive here in the winter. I’m going into a field where I have to travel between multiple sites, so now I’m finally motivated to learn how to drive.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

    • bree Says:

      lol @ 2 cents…..not everybody needs to drive..

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 2

  6. Paula Says:

    You can probably chalk it up to the week I’m having, but is it wrong of me to wonder why this woman gets two guys when I can’t even seem to get one right now? Is it really just because she’s 28?

    (I realize that she doesn’t really have guy 2 yet, if at all, and hopefully it’s because he can see what a trainwreck she is, but why did he even ask her out?)

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 7 Thumb down 5

    • Dimplz Says:

      I don’t think she has 2. I don’t even think she has the one she’s supposed to have. Would you really want to be in that position?

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 1

      • Paula Says:

        Actually, I kind of am in that position, but you can again chalk it up to the week I’m having.

        I’m always a little amazed when I see women who always manage to have a new one lined up before they’ve booted the old one, and who expect that life will always be like that. (And for many of them, it is, at least until they get much older, regardless of how selfishly or poorly they treat each of their partners.)

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

    • 2 cents Says:

      Lol feel your pain! But I am 28 and I am very much alone………….The dots won’t end

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

    • cricri Says:

      Yeah, 28 too here and definitely not as tactless and douchey as the OP. And yes, can’t seem to get a date as well these days. I wish I could have someone to cheat on my boyfriend with, wait, I wish I had a boyfriend!

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 9 Thumb down 0

    • Paula Says:

      And speaking of trainwreck, I hadn’t re-read her previous letter: this is the one that wanted the guy to commit to Thanksgiving in June and tell her about his finances. I take it her guy wouldn’t make the commitment she wanted, although just a month ago she was saying that they loved each other and she wanted him to be a part of her life long-term. Yet she was flirting with this other guy at the time she was trying to get her boyfriend to commit to her, and made sure he paid for her trip to Jamaica before finalizing the breakup.

      Do you think he sensed that she wasn’t really all in either?

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 0

    • bree Says:

      Paula don’t hate…congratulate….lol

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

    • Charlie Says:

      I think it’s kind of normal to think that when you’re in a bad rut. I know I wonder why I have so much trouble getting a date when I see some normal lady with a total toolbox that seemingly spends most of his time trying to look like a Jersey Shore extra.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

  7. Saj Says:

    Lol maybe because I’ve been a bit guilty of the bullpen move I wont harp on the OP for accepting the date too soon but she shouldn’t let the date be the make or break for how soon she breaks it off with her boyfriend. If it isn’t working and she’s been trying hard to fix things to no avail then calling it off may be the right move.

    Sometimes its not one persons failure if a relationship doesn’t work but two people not fitting. As for breaking up over the phone well if you just can’t wait 3 weeks to accept a date and are that anxious to try on new shoes then breaking up over the phone is better then two timing and dating again anyway. You don’t want to be on a first date riddled with secret guilt.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

  8. Devon Brown Says:

    It appears that the OP was still in relationship mode when she went on her ill-advised date with this guy. Since she has been with someone in a relationship for 3 years, she was already assigning relationship rules and guidelines to her date (the “we” talk).

    It is actually better that the new guy is not around while she goes through with the breakup with her boyfriend (if she does). If he were still around, then in a few months time she would probably start to wonder if she broke up with the boyfriend for the wrong reasons (i.e. for the new guy). Then she would start to think the grass was greener with the old boyfriend and possibly look into restarting something there. I’ve found it is always better keep your mind uncluttered by secondary emotional attachments while dealing with another one. One emotional attachment cluttering your mind is plenty. :)

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0

    • Anne Says:

      He was the one doing all the “we talk”, but otherwise I agree with you. One emotional attachment is plenty.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

  9. C Says:

    Moxie, well played! She sounds very immature and selfish. I seriously thought she was in high school, especially when I read the part about learning to drive and burning CDs.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      Thanks Thought maybe I had lost ya there in the previous thread. :)

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

  10. Craig Says:

    I wouldn’t have called the OP back either. If I went out on a date with a woman who was dating me while having a boyfriend, I certainly would not want her as my girlfriend at any point in time. I would know in the back of my head that the way I got her would likely be the same way I’d eventually lose her. I’m shocked that the OP can’t figure out why this dude she went on a date with wouldn’t be interested in a two-timing woman like herself. While it’s true he pursued her knowing her situatiion, he would have respected her more had she resisted going out with him until she was truly single.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 0

    • chuckrock Says:

      I am usually the last one to say this, but i think he clearly went out with her just to see if she’d sleep with him.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 0

      • DrivingMeNutes Says:

        True, and he used the old “I’m going to teach you how to drive” line. Oldest trick in the book.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0

        • Cricri Says:

          Lol, I’m actually looking for someone to teach me how to drive this summer too.
          Driving with benefits anyone?

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

          • chuckrock Says:

            raises hand to volunteer * lol

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

            • DrivingMeNutes Says:

              Does this mean you’re back on the market? Inquiring minds….

              Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

              • chuckrock Says:

                you trying to get me yelled at by moxie again for going off topic?

                I’m not off the market because I haven’t had an ‘exclusivity talk’ or anything, but I am still seeing her. Over two months now and that has always been a big time frame for me. Only a select few have ever gotten past that point. But things are going slooooowly.

                Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

      • Anne Says:

        Yea..I really did not get that vibe. He was very respectful and nothing physical happened. I think the motivation for both of us was attention. All his friends are married or in long-term relationships and I think he felt pressured to ask someone out.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

        • DrivingMeNutes Says:

          The reason you are confused by his behavior is that you refuse to believe the most likely explanation. Regardless of vibe, your follow-up comments only make it more likely he bailed because you weren’t easy enough. If he knew you were cheating, easy sex is likely what he was looking for.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0

  11. Vox Says:

    I’d bet her friends made the OP seem a little more available than she actually was when they urged him to ask her out. Surely the truth came out during the four hour date, and that’s why he never called her back. Only a fool would attempt to date a cheater.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

    • Anne Says:

      No. My friends told him not to ask me out while I was still in a relationship. Everytime he hung out with my friends, he asked about me and then decided on his own that he was going to call me, even though my situation had not changed. He knew I was cheating when he asked me out.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

  12. Joe Says:

    For OP’s last letter I wrote “Take commitment out of the discussion; if someone’s deeds don’t match their promises, they have no integrity.”

    Turns out that neither has integrity.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

  13. bree Says:

    I think like Moxie said the dude u went out with wanted to sleep with you and you didn’t sleep with him so he’s moving on.
    And like everyone else says don’t open a new chapter before you’ve closed the previous one.
    U should talk to ur current boyfriend though to find out why he is being non-committal. Maybe you can work things out with him.
    Don’t let the excitement of “something new” entice u to let a good thing go…like they say, u don’t miss a good thing til it’s gone….
    Good Luck

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

  14. Selena Says:

    I think he was interested before the date, but after the date he decided it wasn’t a great move to get involved with someone who wasn’t “broken up” yet. It’s possible he liked you, but wasn’t “bowled over” enough by you to get into a competition situation.

    It’s also possible he picked up the vibe from you that you were looking for an “overlap” relationship. That is, you weren’t really set on breaking up with your boyfriend unless you had another relationship to move right into. That’s also the vibe *I* get from you.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

  15. Nana Says:

    I could not help but give my 2 cents. These are the most judgmental comments I have ever read. A guy that cannot commit in 3 years is never going to. Anne did the right thing by going out on a date. In fact, I think her noncommittal boyfriend is seeing other women on his frequent trips.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

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