Man meets woman online. He tells her he’s looking for something casual, but consistent. They go out on a date. Date lasts almost 12 hours. She goes home with him and spends the night and next morning at his place. Lots of talking and multiple sexy times. She asks if that was a “one time thing.” He says I don’t know. Woman leaves. Within a half hour man deletes his profile. He texts her the next day to tell her how good the previous weekend was with her. She replies and says the same. She sends him a text a few nights later suggesting they get together that evening. A couple days goes by. No response. The woman is confused.
Things she knows: He’s NOT married. He’s been divorced for four years. His last relationship was a year ago and he hasn’t had sex since. Woman is 38. Man is 38.
“Should I have made him wait?” she asks.
Okay. First, breathe. Wait for what? He told you what he was looking for. What’s the point in playing the whole “make him work for it” game? If you didn’t sleep with him after he was upfront about what he was looking for, he wouldn’t have even sent you the text. He’d assume you required more effort than he’s willing to give and blow you off anyway.
What could have happened:
1. He realized he didn’t want/wasn’t capable of having even a casual relationship.
2. He’s embarrassed or feels ashamed that he did what he did. (Guilt of the religious variety.)
3. He feels pressured and fears she got/will get attached.
4. He’s still emotionally fragile from the divorce and recent break-up.
None of these things have anything to do with you. Yes, asking if you’d see each other again or if that night was a one time thing could have freaked him out. But it’s done. If he’s freaked out by that, then his disappearance would have happened eventually. Better now than later.
In theory, the casual relationship sounds ideal. Some drinks, some sex and then good bye. But it rarely works out that way. Especially if you and the other person hit it off or have things in common. It could be that this guy isn’t well versed in the current hook up culture due to his divorce and break up and being out of the game for a year. Sleepovers are not usually advised. Things should be kept contained and limited to a few hours.That way you don’t get too comfortable, too soon.
Maybe he realized after the fact that this wasn’t what he wanted. Maybe it made him feel empty or bad. The fact that he deleted his profile makes me think he regretted it to some degree. Not the actual time spent with you. More like his behavior. Maybe it was out of character for him or he doesn’t know how to approach the situation. He could have sent the text just so that he didn’t leave you totally twisting in the wind. It’s possible he’s still sorting things out in his head, which is why he hasn’t just replied and said “Thanks, but…”
Right now he’s probably wondering how to let you down easily without looking like some creep who was trolling the internet for sex. That could have been his plan all along. I’m more inclined to think he just had second thoughts after the fact and doesn’t know what to say and feels bad. He’s taking ownership of what he did. He’s just not telling you.
You can’t take this personally. This is more about him than you. If he does contact you and give you that Dear Jane text, just say thanks , that you appreciate his honesty and move on. There’s nothing else you can say.
To me, the only truly hurtful thing he did was not reply to your invite to meet up again. You chose to have sex with him. He told you what he could offer. These are the risks we take when it comes to these types of relationships. He doesn’t owe you a response because you had sex. If he gives you one, it should be because you’re a human being with feelings. Not because you took your clothes off and rolled around for a few hours.
I don’t think you’ll hear from him. So my advice is to just accept this as a one night stand, unintentional or not, and let it go.