Let’s say I go out on a date with someone I never want to see again. For me there’s only two reasons that could be: he’s either rude or boring. If he asks for a second date, I don’t see the need to tell him I find him rude or boring – although this is the truth. What DOES need to be said is anything that makes it clear that there won’t be another date. Anything that leaves things ambiguous (“I don’t know”, “I’ll call you”, “I’m busy these days”) doesn’t help matters.
In this situation, I always use the same response “I really don’t feel we have enough in common to sustain a friendship, so I think it’s best we move on”. This makes it clear that there’s no “can we be friends” option.
If it’s a guy that I had fun with, but I’m not attracted to, I say “I had a great time – you’re a lot of fun! I don’t feel any chemistry though. Feel free to call if you want to hang out or chat sometime” Most (not all) guys I say this to do call, and I treat them like a friend, making sure to mention another date fairly early in the first conversation. If he still want’s to hang out – I’ve made a new friend. As soon as I’ve figured out that the guy isn’t who I want to date, I let him know. Not with “brutal” honesty. Not by being evasive until he gets the message. Not by being rude. But always by telling him what he needs to know.
I don’t know why guys can’t do the same thing. -Maargen
I was set up once with this guy and we had developed a bit of a friendly relationship over the phone for a couple of weeks. I thought we had great chemistry. Well, we finally went on a date and the chemistry was just not there. The guy asked me CONSTANTLY if I was having a good time (and also told me he was a human lie detector). What was I supposed to say? No? And then be cut into tiny pieces? So I said “yeah, sure”. I might have had a good time if I had not felt so pressured to have a good time! When he dropped me off, he asked me if I would call him again (and also demanded a kiss that he did not get). My response?
“I don’t know, because it is long distance…”
He put me on the spot numerous times and I lied because I was so uncomfortable. The date was over and he knew it but he would not just let it go, and the more he pressured me, the more I felt like a caged animal.
There are plenty of people that refuse to accept the signs that are slapping them repeatedly in the face that it’s just not going to work out. Those people are not going to just give up after the first try. And honestly, the guy that I had this horrible date with KNEW it was over. He never called me again after that. I didn’t have to be a total bitch to him to get the point accross. But I WAS riding in a car with this person that I barely knew (and who was displaying signs of emotional instability) and the idea of pissing him off was not so desireable to me at the time. – C
C, you didn’t have sex with him, or even kiss him, sounds like, so while I might have handled things a little differently, I agree that he was putting you on the spot. And being in his car requires additional concern for your safety.But — and I’ve known a number of Southerners that will kill you with sweet-tea kindness while stabbing you in the back — you could have just blinked, batted your eyelashes, and said, “Sugah, why do you ask? Are *you* having a good time?” Or, “I don’t have time to have a good time if you’re asking me if I am every five minutes.” (Granted, it’s always easier to come up with this sort of thing when you’re not being pressured, but it’s more about an approach or philosophy of dealing with people that you’re not going to resort to a lie when you’re in an uncomfortable situation. If you have at hand a way to turn back any questions that you’re not comfortable answering, then you’re much more likely to fall back on that technique in uncomfortable situations, rather than digging yourself deeper and deeper to the point that he is genuinely puzzled and confused why you won’t go out with him again.) -Paula
So I understand, you’re now saying its okay to be dishonest as long as you haven’t kissed or had sex. I don’t see why that matters. C was justified in being dishonest because it was socially appropriate. It doesn’t require us to redefine terns like “lying”. It was a lie. And that’s fine. You are entitled to follow any rules you like. You just can’t expect others to follow them. And if your purpose, like mine is, is to accurately perceive situations for the purpose of giving advice or bettering yourself, the only thing that matters is what other people are actually doing. If they are dishonest, you must deal with that. Your personal preferences, pet peeves and rules are irrelevant. Your naïve, moral outrage, even if sincere, is irrelevant. – DMN
No, I didn’t say it’s okay. Where did I say that? But lying to a spouse typically has more consequences than lying to a stranger. Neither are acceptable, despite your attempts to brand them “socially appropriate.” What I was saying, as I did with the OP, is that someone who asks a question oblivious to the cues that would render it socially inappropriate is more likely to receive an answer that is untrue. Doesn’t justify it, doesn’t magically make the lie not violate centuries of moral code that govern how people in a collective society treat each other, but statistically makes it more likely to happen. As a woman, however, I will entertain a “this guy sets off all my intuitive safety alarms where the thought that he might chop me into bits does enter my mind unbidden” exception. – Paula
(This weather has my joints acting up. That’s why I’m not writing much. That and, well, I’m kinda spent. )