Where Are All The Women Who Enjoy The Sexy Time?

Name: NYdesignGuy |  | Location: New York , NY |Question: The search for a Unicorn! kink

I feel as though I’m doing something wrong although perhaps as they say “dating is always filled with failure until you finally get it right”. I have a history of monogamy however for some time have come to the conclusion that a relationship that plays with non-monogamy would be best. I have a very strong sex drive that in the past I’ve been forced to slow it down for the sake of the woman who doesn’t want it every day. In general I think it’s safe to say that women exist with strong sex drives and I’ve made a habit of the last few years of dating these type of women who describe themselves as such. Yet without fail every single one after 6 months or so and feeling safe and I believe getting to a level of complacency starts to have their sex drive diminish and would rather sit on the couch snuggling while watching “So You Think You Can Dance”. I’m not saying it’s not a good show but I want some action afterwards as I truly don’t feel connected with my partner without having sex with some regularity. In a perfect world 5-7 times a week that means some days more then once and some days we can take the night off as obviously I realize not every single night is perfect for sex. I don’t think I’m a sex addict because I don’t display crazy behaviors for sex and have been monogamous in the past but I feel as you get older you learn what’s important to you and what’s not. As a thirty something male I realize sex is really friggen important to me and I really don’t want to compromise that want the way a woman doesn’t want to compromise on height of their partner per se. As I potentially gear up for another round of finding a mate I wonder if I shouldn’t be as up front as I’ve been the last few years of how important sex is to me because I find the effect this has on the women is then she feels like there’s some sort of pressure put on her that I have to get pleased or I’m gonna start looking elsewhere. I want to think I just haven’t found the right woman who matches my drive, but the women I’ve dated all said they had drives and changed as time went on. I feel like I’m at a loss as I don’t want to be a guy who just resigns himself to a life of begging for sex and being happy when the wife throws him a bone here and there. I wonder if my only options for trying to get this right is trying to find women that are already sexually liberal as swingers and “get it” although the numbers are ridiculously scarce of single sane available women in that genre. Unicorns is truly the most apt name. Not to mention how many men would love to find that although obviously men end up giving in and falling for some girl who almost has it all and lives with the begging for sex since she’s hot and he figures this is as good as it gets or truly makes himself think he’s not going to want sex with another human being for the rest of his life. I realize I’m something of an idealist and don’t want to be a married white male looking for a married white female for a discreet relationship 10 years in the future. But finding a woman who sees this topic the way do is practically impossible. Am I being totally nuts and unrealistic? Will I be forever looking and unhappy? I like to think not but sometimes you have to ask the universe so here I am asking. Your thoughts? Or any ideas on how to find my soul mate who loves sex and thinks one person sexually for the rest of their life sounds a lil crazy but is also normal in the sense of wanting to be married, perhaps have a family and live a life partnered with one person for life but sexually satisfied and never bored. |Age: 31

 

Well, let’s be fair for a moment. Your description of an active sex life isn’t typical. 5-7 times a week? Sure, maybe at first. But it’s normal for a couple’s sex life to taper off. Do you really think you’re going to find a woman who gives birth to your children to want – or even have the energy for – sex 5-7 times a week after taking care of your kids? Or if she works 50+ hours a week? I think you are being somewhat unrealistic. Even if you meet someone who matches your sex drive, it’s almost inevitable that there will be patches when things slow down considerably. If that’s going to send you into a tailspin, then you need to figure out if you really want a partner as well as a lover.

That being said, I think the first red flag that you should look for in order to tell if your sex life will go from frequent to almost non-existent is if she brags about her sexual prowess. I’m a show person, not a tell person. When a man talks a great game, he almost always ends up disappointing. It’s the guys who keep their love of sex on the down low that always end up wowing me. Furthermore, people who put such an importance on sex always make me wonder if they rely too heavily on sex to connect with their partner. Meaning they use sex as some kind of substitute for emotional intimacy. Or they use it to avoid emotional intimacy all together. Either way, an inordinately high sex drive concerns me.

As does as inordinately low one.

If a man tells me that sex isn’t that important in a relationship, or if he says that he doesn’t mind the lack of sex as long as everything else is functioning properly, I wonder why. Sex is a key part of intimacy. If it’s not happening regularly, then – in my opinion – it’s a sign of problems elsewhere in the relationship and possibly speaks to the person’s inability to connect to someone else in a healthy way. Or they’re simply not attracted to their partner. Or they aren’t comfortable with sex all together.  If he or she isn’t not sleeping with you on a regular basis (at least once or twice a week), there’s a disconnect. Either they’re going through something that needs to be addressed or discussed, or they’re detaching.

I wouldn’t state upfront or in a profile that sex is important to you. You’re going to scare women off and be labeled a dog.  You’ll also attract one of two kinds of women – the one’s not looking for anything substantive or the ones who possibly use sex as a way to avoid intimacy. You’ll make yourself vulnerable to people you actually want to avoid. That is, if you’re really looking for a relationship.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with making sex important in a relationship. But my suggestion to you is to value quality more than quantity.

 

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95 Responses to “Where Are All The Women Who Enjoy The Sexy Time?”

  1. Amy Says:

    As a mid-50’s woman, I have a little different take on this. In order for a marriage to work and endure, you have to have a connection, both sexual and otherwise, that is really strong and deep and that will survive the ups and downs that inevitably happen over a lifetime.
    The OP continually reverts to this theme of ‘begging for sex’ and the woman ‘throwing me a bone’ that is disconcerting. It’s as if he believes that women consider sex a burden and eventually are going to revert to that position. And then (I would think) if the woman even changes in her libido (even temporarily), he is probably quick to think “Oh here we go. That’s the end of the good times. I knew this would happen…” etc. And then it becomes self fulfilling.

    It is hard to realize in your early 30’s, but life is long. And (esp if you are going to have children), it goes through many phases. A pregnant woman is probably not up for daily sex. Or a new mother. Or a mom of a sick child, who is up many times at night. Or…..etc. Life happens. And a mature adult can say “This is not a time when she is able to focus on sex” and back off graciously and let it go until times change.

    As some readers know, I went through chemotherapy about 2 years ago (early 50s). My husband and I met in our early 40’s and both came from sexless marriages. A great sex life was a key part of our relationship. When I was diagnosed, I was not sure if I would ever be able to reconnect with my sexual side again. (I did.) I worked hard to stay sexually active during chemo (even if it was a little one sided, with me just ‘taking care’ of him) and to keep my head in the game because I didn’t want to lose what we had. And over time, everything came back. My husband was gentle and patient, which made a huge difference. I didn’t lose my breasts – but what if I did? That would have been an additional challenge for both of us to face. Thankfully, we didn’t have to, but many couples do. You don’t know what the future holds. (I guess that’s why they say “in sickness & in health”)

    Last month, I had my first case EVER of poison ivy. I had no idea how serious it could get – and it did, fast. It was a long awful story (which I will spare you of) and took an ENTIRE MONTH until I was well enough to be touched AT ALL. In some ways it was WORSE than the cancer (for our sex life, anyway). My husband was patient, as I was when he had a gout attack that lasted several weeks and threw him out of the game.

    I don’t mean to bore you with a saga of our aches and pains. But we both are generally extremely healthy active people. And even so, things happen. It is the love and connection that is shared between two people that allows them to weather the storms and come out the other side together, especially as you grow older.

    I don’t get the sense that the OP is capable of seeing things on this level. (Forgive me if I am wrong here.) He says that women’s desire level fades and they want to ‘snuggle’ (which I sensed he wrote with a certain amount of derision). What I am saying in this post is that even if a woman’s desire DOESN’T fade, life can intervene in a way as to sidetrack the sexual part of a relationship. I would encourage the OP to think past his daily sexual needs and see if he can take a longer view.

    Of course maybe all he wants is to figure out how to find a woman that he can have daily sex with – and not consider the future at all. In which case, disregard all of the above. :)

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 61 Thumb down 2

    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      Yes. This.

      I assume that my parents had a fairly healthy sex life, given the amount of pregnancies my Mom had (6 or 7). When she got diagnosed with cancer, that all stopped. The last 3 years of their marriage was spent with my father literally carrying her from room to room, to the car and back. He got a cot and slept with her in our porch when the cancer had progressed. There was no sex. Same thing happened with my sister. And both had radical mastectomies, further compromising their sexuality and confidence. This stuff happens. It’s not an if. It’s a when. She’s going to be too tired, or too busy, or too stressed, or sick. If the idea of having a sexual lull so terrifies the OP, he needs to reconsider what ti is he’s actually looking for and why sex is so important.

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      • Amy Says:

        That’s what I meant to say – but you said it so much more clearly AND concisely. I guess that’s why you’re the blogger.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

        • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

          Not sure I told you, but my sister went for a screening about 2 months ago, The oral meds are shrinking her tumors. She goes for another scan next week.

          Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 20 Thumb down 1

      • Crotch Rocket Says:

        “I assume that my parents had a fairly healthy sex life, given the amount of pregnancies my Mom had (6 or 7)” That depends to a large degree on what you call “healthy”, and of course on what method (if any) of birth control they were using.

        “If the idea of having a sexual lull so terrifies the OP,” The OP isn’t talking about a “lull” here; he’s talking about a sudden (and apparently irreversible, in my experience) decline in a woman’s sex drive when she’s “comfortable” in a relationship.

        Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 7 Thumb down 8

        • CuriousintheChi Says:

          I don’t think that’s where this guy is coming from; dating women where life gets in the way. I think he’s just been unlucky enough to be dating girls who never had much desire for sex in the first place. I think these are girls who “put out to keep the guy interested”, and he’s stuck around long enough to watch them get comfortable/complacent and then he began to see them for who they really were. I’d tell this guy that if he want’s to avoid that, he should try abstaining from sex for a little while with the next girl, and see what happens. If she pushes him a little bit, maybe it’s a good sign she actually wants it. I’d say, don’t let yourself fall into the habit of always being the initiator.

          Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 9 Thumb down 7

          • Cricri Says:

            I don’t think that is a great solution! Any healthy woman wants her partner to desire her so she will always push, even if it is to have reassurance that the guy is attracted to her. What he is saying that though his partner like sex, they just don’t need to have it for breakfast everyday. It doesn’t mean that because they’re pushing for it, they’ll want to do it all the time.

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 3

    • Andrew Says:

      Not sure I like where this conversation is going. Maybe a man’s input is needed here as a dose of cold water. My advice to NYdesignGuy. If you like something, then you have to learn to do it well. I am not talking about doing it well for you; I am talking about doing it well for her. With women sex is the prelude, the foreplay, the act, the cuddling and the next day. Screw any of that up and you end up where you are. I imagine you are stuck mainly in the act part of it. And you may not even be doing that piece well. I am not beating up on you. I am trying to help you. I hate to tell you this, but the problem sounds to me like you and not the women. I could complain as being used as a shrink/emotional dumping ground or being told what to do with my time but generally not this. The few times I have had problems in this area, I’ve found it’s because I did something wrong in the above-mentioned areas.

      There is a myth about women not liking sex. The truth is this. Women despise bad sex, and can barely tolerate average “run of the mill” sex. If you talking about good sex, then a woman will put you to shame any day. Trust me, I have been the one crying “enough! god, I created a monster” on quite a few occasions with most of the women I’ve been with.

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      • Really Rosie Says:

        “With women sex is the prelude, the foreplay, the act, the cuddling and the next day. Screw any of that up and you end up where you are.”

        That needs to be on a t-shirt or motivational poster or something. Perfect! :)

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      • Afrodiva Says:

        Andrew!
        Way to hit the nail on the head! What I have found is that both partners tend to get comfy- ->him no doing all the “romantic” thoughtful things he did while dating& her not putting in as much effort into being a” dime” as she used to. It doesn’t work. Foreplay is important (more than just touch, rub squeeze, etc), but so are the non-sexual loving gestures that make us want to be intimate w/you. Finally yes , having the rught skills beyond intercourse is a must. After a few months that gets old, like eating the same meal night after night. The food may be delicious, but not the same thing everyday!

        If you cannot feel connected w/o sex poster I agree w/Moxie take a look at if you swap sexuality w/intimacy!

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 2

      • Tall Girl Says:

        This is really true. In my last relationship, we did have sex 5-7 times a week for years. We were monogamous and neither one of us was selfish. We talked about everything relating to sex. Ultimately, our relationship didn’t work and there were other issues. But that was not one of them.

        As for my other serious relationships – yes, if the sex was ok to good, I definitely lost some drive over time.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0

  2. Kay Says:

    I feel like the poster described what has been on my mind for several months. I am wondering what happened to the supposedly high libido of my current boyfriend of nearly a year. I am 33, he is 39. He has this supercharged sexual history and lately his drive is kaput. I initiate play and flirt to no avail. Frustrating. Have opened up dialogue several times, asking if he is lacking sexual interest in me, what can i / we do different or better – he says he feels unfit (I think he is hot and often tell him so) and just not overly affectionate. I am the one who works 50+ hours/week while he is home all day (not taking care of kids, really not doing much of anything). No excuses there. I think I am just unmatched in my sexual desires. Sex is not just about getting off, it’s choosing to be intimate with your lover over choosing to watch crappy tv or a movie. I feel unconnected and less desired if I am not being administered to regularly. It sounds a bit codependent I know, but before, during, and after sex is o e very important way I “check in” with my partner and our relationship. It’s closeness and for me, when all systems are go it is frustrating to be rebuffed or pushed aside for another “recreational” activity.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 0

    • Amy Says:

      This sounds like depression to me. For him, I mean, not you. Is he between jobs or something? Please don’t make a permanent decision based on a temporary situation. Was he different when he was working?

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      • Kay Says:

        The employment situation is by choice – his family supports him via inheritances & trusts. He is well educated but not in an area that yields a profession outside of academia, which he is not interested in. He has gained about 30 lbs this past year and is fairly narcissistic so I think that is, as he says, half the problem. The other may indeed be the lack of ambition / self-worth caused by choosing not to work. Maybe also the emasculation of being dependent on others for $?

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 1

        • Vox Says:

          It sounds like you are dating my ex husband, educated in a non-marketable way and from a wealthy background. We had a dead sex life too! As I found out after our marriage crumbled beyond repair, he most certainly did feel emasculated by being supported by his family and wife. His lack of ambition made it impossible for him to do anything about it. I have no idea how a man can turn this around, unfortunately. This is the sort of situation in which people tend to suggest counseling. I’m not a fan of it due to a bias based on personal experiences, but perhaps it would be beneficial to him.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

    • Capt. Jack Sparrow Says:

      Some (many) guys see their self-worth through the eyes of their career. Admittedly, while it’s not really healthy, I do think it’s relatively common, especially among NYC alpha-males. There is a ripple effect on a guy’s relationships, social activities, motivation, emotional well-being … if his career takes a down-turn. Reassurance may help. As may you initiating physical intimacy. But it’s quite possible he’s not in the head-space to be intimate. So maybe you need to reassure him that you understand he needs space, and that you’ll be there when he gets back to normal … or when he needs you. Hopefully, it won’t be a long-term thing. Another possibility is that he feels emasculated at being taken care of and not being the “provider.” Another possibility is just general depression. But it does sound like he’s checked out of the relationship. You can help, but change must come from within. A fourth possibility, unfortunately, is that he wants out of the relationship (consciously or sub-consciously) and is passive-aggressively pushing you away b/c he’s to scared (or unaware) to speak up.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 0

  3. Crotch Rocket Says:

    “Your description of an active sex life isn’t typical. 5-7 times a week? Sure, maybe at first. But it’s normal for a couple’s sex life to taper off.” Yes, and that’s the problem he’s asking about. And I don’t think what he’s asking for is unreasonable; having sex less than once per day is already a compromise for men, and we’re expected to accept that it’ll continue to decrease from there?

    “Do you really think you’re going to find a woman who gives birth to your children to want – or even have the energy for – sex 5-7 times a week after taking care of your kids? Or if she works 50+ hours a week?” Those reasons for decreased sex drive are understandable. However, that’s not what’s happening here. He’s just dating normal women who presumably have fairly steady lives, and their sex drives all drop once they’re secure that they’ve “caught” him. That’s my experience as well, and that of nearly every other guy I’ve discussed it with. After a few years, it’s dropped to once a week–or once a month, in many cases. And then the women wonder why their husband cheats on them.

    “you need to figure out if you really want a partner as well as a lover.” That’s every guy’s dilemma: we have to decide between love or sex, because the two seem to be mutually exclusive. That’s why so many men are “reluctant to commit”: we’re all looking for the same unicorn.

    “Sex is a key part of intimacy. If it’s not happening regularly, then – in my opinion – it’s a sign of problems elsewhere in the relationship” I agree with that, except we (men and women) apparently have radically different ideas of what “regularly” means.

    “Or they’re simply not attracted to their partner.” That not something that’s going to radically change over the course of a mere few months. Again, decline over several years would be understandable, but that’s not what we’re talking about here.

    “Or they aren’t comfortable with sex all together.” I’ve certainly run into that, over and over. Fortunately, I’ve gotten better at spotting these women early and dumping them, but plenty of them do manage to fool other guys into marrying them before revealing their true nature–and seeing such stories all around us just makes other guys even more gun-shy.

    “If he or she isn’t not sleeping with you on a regular basis (at least once or twice a week), there’s a disconnect.” If she’s only sleeping with me once or twice a week, there’s already a disconnect. Heck, I can get laid that often when I’m single without much difficulty.

    “Either they’re going through something that needs to be addressed or discussed, or they’re detaching.” Unfortunately, none of the women I’ve gone through this with saw anything wrong with it or were even willing to discuss it.

    “But my suggestion to you is to value quality more than quantity.” Sorry, but it doesn’t work that way, at least not for me.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 27 Thumb down 21

    • Crotch Rocket Says:

      Lots of haters, apparently, but nobody responding to exactly what they disagree with… How ironic, since one of the complaints listed is how women aren’t willing to discuss the issue–just automatically assume the man is wrong and move on.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 11 Thumb down 9

      • CuriousintheChi Says:

        I think you’re on to something, Mr. Rocket. It is easier to hit a thumbs down button than to write a response. I guess that’s a thing I like about the internet, that it doesn’t always reflect the facts of life. Wouldn’t life or business be so much easier if you didn’t have to respond to things you didn’t want to hear? You could just show a thumbs up or down and make the thing vanish. Gosh, I’d love that.

        Oh, by the way, anybody in Chicago want to buy an upright piano? hehe

        Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 7 Thumb down 7

      • Maargen Says:

        I think the other posts have explained some of what we disagree with, but here’s my two cents:

        “After a few years, it’s dropped to once a week–or once a month, in many cases. And then the women wonder why their husband cheats on them.” Yes. And as I mentioned in another post, when in the “dating” stage there are so many things guys do: make restaurant reservations, buy flowers, go to the dance club, listen to his partner when she’s stressed. And invariably, all of this behaviour dies down when the relationship is well established. Do you, CR, feel that it’s ok for guys to stop doing all the stuff they do to get a woman once they’ve actually got her? Believe it or not, all of this stuff makes us feel really, really good about being with you. And that translates into wanting to have sex with you.

        Guys always mention how the sex dies down, but I never hear them talk about how their own behavior towards their girfriends/wives changes over time. And I guarantee you: the more sex you’re having, the less of the other stuff you’re doing. Eventually, guys stop treating their partner like something special, the sex gets more and more sporadic – and then it’s her fault.

        I remember watching an episode of “Everybody Loves Raymond”, when the wife watches Ray vaccuming the floor, and says “I am so turned on to you right now”. Maybe men connect to sex on a level that’s more purely physical, so you having sex a few times a week with different partners works for you – who cares whose hole you’re sticking it into, right?

        But for women, sometimes sex is a reflection of how she feels about you. So her ‘foreplay’ might be going dancing. Having you plan a date. Fixing her car. In short, feeling cared for. These things give her the warm fuzzies inside, and actually make her moist.

        Find your partner’s ‘foreplay’. Then (and here’s the kicker) ask yourself: “How many times a week am I willing to put in that effort?” If you’re willing 5-7 days a week, then yes, she had better put out every day. More commonly though, women appreciate guys putting in the effort every once in a while, and will stay consistently wet for a guy who does this stuff intermittently. Her love for him and how he makes her feel generally will make her want to fuck him a few times a week. And that’s a good thing, too, because there really isn’t enough time in the day to live life and still devote that much time and energy to thinking about doing something special for your partner every single day. But rather than realizing that he’s winning out on that deal, the guys complain?? Cheech! !

        Oh I know that plenty of women will say that the above isn’t true of them – sex for them is a purely physical thing based on their physiological libido. Some of these women will be telling the truth. But there are women out there who think that it’s important to claim that the sexes are alike, so they’ll deny that they have different turn ons than men – as if the idea of men and women being different is a bad thing. This causes a problem: if we deny that our needs are different, then guys won’t even know they’re not meeting them. But think about it, girls: when that guy does that something that makes you go “awww”, isn’t your immediate reaction a physical need to fuck him?? Men get a physical erection to what they see. Women get a physical erection to what we feel. Of course there are exceptions to every rule, but why pretend that men and women are physiologically the same??

        So my advice to you, CR, as soon as the sex starts dying down – think about what YOU’RE not doing, rather than what your partner’s not doing.

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        • Cricri Says:

          What a great post! I think all the men who complain should frame that post and read it every time they think they’re getting the short end of the stick and then initiate frank discussion with their partner.

          Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 9 Thumb down 6

          • Andrew Says:

            Yes she is getting to the root of it. I ask guys, if you are going to kiss a girl for the first time, what do you do. One would at least touch her shoulder, or hold her hand, or look her in the eye, or lower your voice tone, or say something right, or touch her hair, or place your hand on her back or back of her head or shoulder, or all of the above and more. To have great sex, a man always has to go to that mode like he would for a first kiss.

            Sex is like that. It has a prelude. It’s that surprise call or text. It’s that flower. It’s that chocolate she likes. Its that active emphatic listening that she likes. It’s that hug or cuddle. And besides he is misreading the signs. When she asks to cuddle, she is basically telling you she wants to have sex after all the right things take place, but he is just not getting it.

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        • CuriousintheChi Says:

          That’s some brilliant stuff! Thumbs up!

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 1

        • Sharon Says:

          “But there are women out there who think that it’s important to claim that the sexes are alike, so they’ll deny that they have different turn ons than men –”

          I don’t know why you feel you have to discredit women who think or feel differently than you. You have your turn-ons and other women have theirs. Not every woman keeps score in a relationship or uses sex as a way to reward a man.

          “Find your partner’s ‘foreplay’. Then (and here’s the kicker) ask yourself: “How many times a week am I willing to put in that effort?” If you’re willing 5-7 days a week, then yes, she had better put out every day.”

          When my boyfriend does something nice for me my first impulse is to say Thank You and hug him. I’d sooner break up with a man if he only did nice things fo rme just to have sex. That’s what will happen if a woman uses sex as a reward. No man or woman should be obligated to have sex with their BF/GF/Spouse. If you’re going to do something nice for them, do it to be considerate. Not for sex.

          Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 9 Thumb down 12

          • Cricri Says:

            I’m not sure that she said to use sex as a reward. She said all parts of the couple have to collaborate to make the (sexual) relationship work. Denying sex to spite your partner when you yourself want to have it is just ridiculous.
            Whereas if you just don’t feel like it because the relationship is not fulfilling, because your partner just doesn’t care, there is no game playing here, just dissatisfaction on both sides.

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          • DrivingMeNutes Says:

            I agree with sharon’s criticism.

            There are some women who don’t really love sex so much, they see sex as a means to get affection and attention from men. They don’t see any other purpose to it. So every discussion about sex to them is really about that other stuff. Which is fine, its just not what the OP was talking about.

            As for the idea that women get hot when guys do nice things for them, that is also not true. Or, at least not entirely. Some women get sexually attracted to serial killers – so, I think it may be a little more complicated. And,
            I’ll let you in on a secret. I KNOW it is more complicated.

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            • Maargen Says:

              Hunh??

              “Women get attracted to serial killers…”

              Are you saying that women get sexually attracted to serial killers BECAUSE they’re serial killers?

              Or no serial killers do nice things for women in order to be attractive to them?

              I really don’t understand the serial killer argument at all.

              “There are some women who don’t really love sex so much, they see sex as a means to get affection and attention from men. They don’t see any other purpose to it. So every discussion about sex to them is really about that other stuff.”

              True – there are those women.

              Then there are women who LOVE sex – with a guy they’re attracted to.

              It’s like saying a guy meets a woman who’s fit and presents herself well, so he wants to have sex with her all the time. Then she gains 20 pounds, and lets herself go. If she’s no longer attractive to him, does he love sex less? Or does he love sex with HER less?

              When a woman gains weight and her guy doesn’t have sex with her, no one accuses him of “withholding sex”. When she loses the weight and he has sex with her again, it’s not considered “a reward” for her behaviour.

              A guy meets a woman. He wants to attract her. Does he wax, groom himself, throw on some cologne and show up and say “Hey – let’s have sex”? Maybe. And sometimes it’s that easy.

              But if it’s not – is anyone surprised? Do we think it strange that he takes her out, pays attention to her, does all sorts of things that lead her to want to have sex with him? No – we don’t. But when he stops doing those things and she stops having sex, it’s not because he no longer does the stuff that’s attractive to her. It’s because she’s “withholding sex”.

              This is an actual question that I’m wondering about (as opposed to a statement of my opinion on the subject) When you say, DMN, that “There are some women who don’t really love sex so much, they see sex as a means to get affection and attention from men”, couldn’t it also be said that there are men who don’t love women so much, they use affection and attention to get sex from them? Then when the sex starts coming, it’s ok to stop with the attention and affection – but keep getting the sex? I wonder…

              And I won’t pretend that behaviour can’t be a turn off for both sexes: if a guy’s girlfriend or wife is a total bitch to him, I don’t think his desire for her doesn’t suffer – no matter how hot she is.

              That doesn’t make sex about “other stuff” – it just acknowledges that how we treat our partners can increase or decrease their desire for us.

              Tell me DNR: when you say

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              • DrivingMeNutes Says:

                Yes, there are women that are sexually attracted to incarcerated serial killers because they are serial killers. Were you not aware of this fairly common phenomenon? The point was that women get hot over guys for reasons other than he treats her well. And the corollary is that treating a woman well doesn’t necessarily lead to more frequent or better sex.

                I’m not taking sides in your imaginary war between the sexes. I’ve said before and even said before that most of these principles are gender neutral. My point was that we are talking about sex frequency and you are introducing things like making dinner reservations. In my opinion, that would be an irrelevant consideration for someone who genuinely liked sex and weren’t privately using sex as an instrument to obtain some other benefit.

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                • Maargen Says:

                  DMN: I don’t know if you choose your words with care, or if you just write whatever comes into your head. If it’s the former, then please disregard my request for explanation. Assuming it’s the latter, though:

                  What do you mean when you say that being attracted to a serial killer is a “fairly common phenomenon”? Being a serial killer is seriously deviant behaviour (by ‘deviant’ I mean outside the norm of the general behaviour of the rest of society). Being sexually attracted to a someone who shows this level of deviant behavior, is also deviant. By “fairly common” do you mean that you’ve heard of this happening (as have I)? Or do you seriously think that a large percentage of the population of women in the US are attracted to the idea of having sex with a guy who might kill them afterwards? Although yes, these women exist, I would say they’re fairly UNcommon (This isn’t the main point of anything, I know, but I’m having a hard time understanding how you think)

                  Leaving deviant behaviour aside – when you say ” I’ve said before and even said before that most of these principles are gender neutral” I have no idea what principles you mean.

                  We’re talking here about sex and sexual stimulus. These are NOT gender neutral!!

                  I think that a huge reason there is a “war between the sexes” is that both sexes blame and resent the other for not being more like them. But we not only have different physiology, we have different levels of hormones running through our systems. These have a HUGE impact on what creates pleasure for us. We are also differently socialized, which also has a huge impact on what we respond to physically and emotionally.

                  I advocate dropping the war by understanding and accepting that WE ARE DIFFERENT. What pleases you is not necessarily what pleases your partner. (Just as what pleased your last partner is also not necessarily what pleases your current partner)

                  I saw in another post that someone took exception to the claim that “men are visual”. Well guess what? Men ARE more visually sexually stimulated than women!!!

                  http://www.quora.com/Is-there-any-research-supporting-the-idea-that-men-are-visually-stimulated-but-women-arent

                  Why the need for some people to deny our differences? I really don’t know.

                  Is there some sort of latent, general inferiority complex among women (or superiority complex among men) that says that where there are differences among the sexes, the women are “wrong”? I don’t know.

                  To say that a woman is “using sex” to get affection and attention is imply that she doesn’t actully enjoy sex – she has it to manipulate her partner. It’s also blaming her for being sexually turned on by affection and attention, rather than just by seeing her partner naked or in sexy lingerie. (No, DMN, I’m not suggesting that there are no women who are turned on by seeing her male partner in sexy lingerie. I’m suggesting that the market for lingerie for heterosexual males won’t rival “Victoria’s Secret” anytime soon)

                  In a past relationship, I clued my guy in to one of my triggers. I know that if I wanted sex, I could go up to my guy and rub his crotch…he’d be ready in seconds. My breasts are very sensitive, but if my mind isn’t on sex, rubbing them can annoy me. What get’s me hot? Instead of touching me, he would tell me what he wants to do to me. From across the room, while I’m minding my own business, he’d say somthing like: “I can’t tell you how much I want your nipple in my mouth right now” and boy! I’m ON!! (No he didn’t discover the verbal trigger himself – I told him I respond to verbal stimulus, then he uses his imagination). He told me that his past girlfriends rejected his sexual advances a lot (and also initiated less often than I did), but they never told him what they wanted instead. Since we’re still good friends, he tells me that this sort of thing has become part of his sexual repertoire (for instance, while walking in the mall he’ll tell his girlfriend that he’s thinking about how delicious she is “down there”), and that the results are fantastic. (He also learned that the law of dimishing returns comes into play here, so overuse dulls the response)

                  Almost all of my triggers have to do with something that makes me feel that my guy sees me, sees my individuality, and cares about me. This turns me on. Other women have other triggers, but the trick is to take the time to find them – whether it’s preparing her favorite meal or yes, planning a date to her favorite restaurant. My guy doing something sweet for me hits my pleasure buttons, and sexually stimulates me. The sex we have when this happens isn’t “rewarding him” for behaviour: it’s cause and effect. Is he doing these sweet things just to have sex with me?? What the hell do I care?? It works!!

                  I have many female friends who don’t understand how I get along so well with guys I used to date: before, during and after dating them. The reason is that I accept that my guy is a guy. I don’t expect him to behave like me, or blame him for not responding to stuff like my girlfriends do. I especially I do NOT blame my guy for whatever his sexual stimuli are (although all the men I’ve ever known seem to be constantly on! Basically, they were sexually stimulated by breathing). Why should I blame him or judge him for watching porn, or looking at magazines? If we’re walking down the street and I see some gorgeous woman he’d appreciate the sight of, I alert him, just as I would if I saw a gorgeous motorcycle. Why? Because like every man I’ve ever been with, eye-candy gives him pleasure. This has no reflection at all on how he feels about me. Knowing that I don’t care about him looking at other women leaves him free to be himself, without having to be guilty or hypocritical about it.

                  Me? I’m different. I personally very rarely see a guy that I find attractive on the street (I’m not visually stimulated at all – I need tactile contact with a guy to be attracted to him. Or I need to smell him). As for porn, I find it slightly less boring (but more annoying) than American football. But I accept that we’re different. I have no need to understand, share, approve, or disapprove of my guy’s triggers. I have fun figuring out what I can do to drive him wild, and what he does when I’m not around, or when I don’t feel like driving him wild, is his business.

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                  • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

                    I have no need to understand, share, approve, or disapprove of my guy’s triggers.

                    And this is a good thing? He just needs to get hard…you don’t need to know why? You don’t want to know why?

                    Isn’t understanding the basis of the turn on what enhances the sexual connection?

                    Or do you seriously think that a large percentage of the population of women in the US are attracted to the idea of having sex with a guy who might kill them afterwards?

                    There are whole True Crime shows that revolve around the romantic and sexual relationships between sociopaths and their lovers. Hell, VH1 has Mob Wives. You think people in the mafia aren’t sociopaths? Yes, it’s common. It’s very common for women to be turned on by men who treat them poorly, be it by cheating on them, blowing them off, disregarding their person requests or boundaries, etc.

                    If we’re walking down the street and I see some gorgeous woman he’d appreciate the sight of, I alert him, just as I would if I saw a gorgeous motorcycle. Why? Because like every man I’ve ever been with, eye-candy gives him pleasure

                    The only way that actually turns him on is if you tell him how hot the girl would look in a school girl uniform and propose a threeway. Other than that it either looks like you’re trying too hard to be “the cool girlfriend” or he’s going to wonder why you’re encouraging him to look at other women.

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                    • nathan Says:

                      Maargen – you realize, I hope, that such totalizing, biologically-determined views of differences in men and women have been one of the main platforms behind female oppression throughout the past several hundred years.

                      This isn’t to say that biological differences don’t play a role, but I find it really funny how many women these days seem to be using the kind of “hardwired differently” arguments that men used for generations to keep women out of positions of power, out of the workplace, and in the home, chained to their children.

                      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 6

                    • Maargen Says:

                      I think dialogue like this is great. It certainly helps to be able to see how people think. I’m working on developing courses to improve critical thinking skills in adolescents and adults…I guess paying attention to thinking patterns isn’t something that can be turned on and off at will.

                      Sexual attraction to sociopathy it either rare or common, depending on the percentage of the population that is attracted to a sociopatue DUE to the sociopathic behaviour. The statement that it’s “common” is either irrelevent to the discussion we’re having (in which case I wonder why it was brought up at all) or not even true (in which case it’s a statement not at all informed by facts). I don’t think it’s helpful to make statments and form opinions based on falsehoods.

                      Also, I do know and understand WHAT turns my guy on…I don’t always understand WHY that particular element works. Since gaining knowledge is very important to me, I understand a heck of a lot about the “whys” as well. However, even when I don’t understand it, I accept it. THAT’s what I meant that I don’t have to understand why he likes X or W or Z. I don’t compare it to what I like, or say that it shouldn’t be important to him. If it’s important or pleasurable to him I try to accommodate it to the best of my ability, unless it’s a total turn off for me, in which case we might be incompatible (and I’m talking about here about the range of sexual expression that is considered normal and healthy. Please don’t start asking questions about stuff like bestiality and pedophilia – those are outliers in sexual expression (as, I suspect is sexual attraction to sociopathy) and beyond the scope of my comments)

                      Posts like Nathan’s leave me bemused. What is he trying to say? We are specifically discussing here issues of sexual arousal!! I will say again that these are NOT gender neutral issues, and to acknowledge that men and women are different in matters of sexual arousal does NOT condone treating men and women differently in the workplace, OR the oppression of women over the ages!!

                      Are you actually trying to say that since we don’t wan’t women oppressed, the best way to prevent that is to pretend that women are exactly like men IN EVERY WAY???

                      As for “hardwired differently” – the truth is: we are. That people have misused that fact is tragic. To say that the solution is to say that “no, we aren’t” doesn’t change reality. And if solutions to problems are to decide that we will behave as if what isn’t true IS true, then the solutions won’t work.

                      Maybe a much better solution is to learn in what ways men and women are different and in what ways we’re not, accept the realities of life, and make those realities work for the benefit of both men AND women – and society as a whole.

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          • Maargen Says:

            Sharon:

            I think this is a problem of reading comprehension, or of understanding only what you already think, rather than what is written.

            What did you make of the sentence: “sex for them is a purely physical thing based on their physiological libido. Some of these women will be telling the truth. ”

            How is that discrediting anyone??

            However, is it also true that for many other women, desire has an emotional component to it. Sexual desire arouses out of emotional closeness, feelings of intimacy, a sense of bonding. These emotions have a physiological effect of making these women want to have sex with her partner.

            As for “sex as a reward”, this is absolutely NOT what I’m talking about.

            If you work out, wax, wear the sexy heels and short skirt and generally make yourself look fabulous – do you think your guy is having sex with you as a reward for that behaviout? No – you understand that he’s having sex with you because you turn him on.

            So – when we see women looking their best so often, and guys looking like schlubs: short, beer-bellied, unkempt…do you think she’s having sex with a guy that she’s not attracted to, or do you think she’s attracted to him for different reasons than the physical – like maybe because of how he treats her or makes her feel?

            So a woman does stuff that turns her guy on, he wants to have sex with her. A guy does stuff that turns his girl on, she wants to have sex with him. Where the heck does the “sex as a reward” come in??

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        • nathan Says:

          You know, in even the relationship where I and my partner had the best sexual chemistry, we were not having sex everyday. And honestly that was just fine with me. We had other things to do with our time. The sex we did have was pretty damned good, and I rarely felt wanting.

          Leading a life rich with different kinds of interests and experiences makes the sex better in my opinion. You forget about counting, and are simply enjoying when it happens, and enjoying the time when it’s not happening as well.

          To me, when sex diminishes to next to nothing in a relationship, it’s often pointing to things having gotten stale or in a rut on the whole.

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        • Paula Says:

          I agree with a lot of what you’ve said here, Maargen, in that it is very important to know what you can do to turn your partner on, and to try to do those things as often as feasible in order to keep the attraction alive.

          Where I disagree is attributing so much of the variations between human beings to gender differences. Not only does that stigmatize those who are atypical, but it can get in the way of solving a couple’s particular problem.

          For example, it was suggested above that the OP sleep with men. I’m presuming that’s not feasible, if he’s not gay or bisexual (in which case, he’s probably tried that already). You can say that he just has to accept how women are and deny his sexual needs in order to maintain a relationship past the typical tapering-off period. But what if he were able to find a woman who doesn’t get tired of constant sex? Who doesn’t need all the niceties to stay sexually engaged?

          Probably it’s a woman who’s been insulted by being told she wants to have sex like a man, that her sex drive is atypical. That’s happened to me, or, as my best friend puts it, that I have “gay values” (that I like to have sex like the typical gay man, with the rest of the joke being that he does not, even as a typical gay man in many other respects.)

          Basically, you decry people who try to eradicate gender differences, but when you attribute all the differences to gender, you obscure the wide variation between individuals, regardless of their gender. A guy doesn’t date all women — he dates a woman (assuming he wants a relationship) so he should focus on finding an individual woman who meets his needs, rather than assuming all women are a particular way.

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        • Crotch Rocket Says:

          “invariably, all of this behaviour dies down when the relationship is well established. Do you, CR, feel that it’s ok for guys to stop doing all the stuff they do to get a woman once they’ve actually got her?” No, I don’t, and it’s not invariable. I make a point of keeping that stuff up throughout a relationship, even when we’re living together. The sex still declines, though I’ve never gotten to the point of “begging” as the OP claims, so perhaps it does work to some degree.

          “Believe it or not, all of this stuff makes us feel really, really good about being with you. And that translates into wanting to have sex with you.” And that’s where the disconnect lies, because I want to have sex regardless of how I feel about her. OTOH, rather than saying these sorts of things, women give us (what appear to be) problems to solve: they’re tired, they’re not in the mood, etc. If we knew the real problem, we’d solve it and both of us would be happy.

          “I remember watching an episode of ‘Everybody Loves Raymond’, when the wife watches Ray vaccuming the floor, and says ‘I am so turned on to you right now'” That reminds me of a story my sister told me about a married guy she met on Match who was bitching he hadn’t gotten laid in six months. She asked a few questions and then tore into him about how after work, his wife cooked, took care of the kids, etc. while he watched TV. He emailed her the next day to say he did the dishes while she put the kids to bed, and then she screwed his brains out. He thanked her and his profile was gone the next day. Imagine how many years of misery–for both of them–could have been avoided if his wife had communicated better.

          “Maybe men connect to sex on a level that’s more purely physical, so you having sex a few times a week with different partners works for you – who cares whose hole you’re sticking it into, right?” To a point, yes. I’ve screwed women whose names I didn’t even know, much less care about. I do prefer making love to someone I care about, but that’s a rather different from just sex.

          “Find your partner’s ‘foreplay’. … If you’re willing [to put in that effort] 5-7 days a week, then yes, she had better put out every day.” I am, and they still don’t. I’d bet it’s because I’m guessing wrong what their “foreplay” is; despite popular belief among women, we’re not good at reading minds.

          “there are women out there who think that it’s important to claim that the sexes are alike, so they’ll deny that they have different turn ons than men” I think we’re a lot more alike physiologically than most men or women would admit, but our socialization is completely different, which leads to different thoughts, feelings and behaviors.

          “So my advice to you, CR, as soon as the sex starts dying down – think about what YOU’RE not doing, rather than what your partner’s not doing.” I do, and I ask lots of questions, but it never seems to help–in particular because I never get any answers that make sense to me.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 9 Thumb down 0

          • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

            And that’s where the disconnect lies, because I want to have sex regardless of how I feel about her.

            Many women feel the same way. What’s being advocated here is that if men just thought like women, everything would work out for the men. Yet there’s no suggestion that women should try to think like men.

            This causes a problem: if we deny that our needs are different, then guys won’t even know they’re not meeting them

            I don’t think denying this alleged difference is the issue. The problem is that women either don’t communicate what they’re feeling or expect men to figure out what’s wrong. I also think you’re confusing affection with appreciation and validation.

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            • Maargen Says:

              “Many women feel the same way. What’s being advocated here is that if men just thought like women, everything would work out for the men. Yet there’s no suggestion that women should try to think like men”

              I don’t know who’s advocating that men should think like women, or vice versa. I’m saying the exact opposite: men think like men, and women think like women. No – not all women think alike, nor do all men. It’s up to both men and women to find out what turns his/her partner on, and do it.

              Maybe I’m wrong, but I do think that in general women can be turned on just as often as men are – but that doesn’t mean they’re turned on by the same stimulus.

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          • Andrew Says:

            You make a nice point about sex declining even when you do all the required attentive things. However, it’s not just about doing the attentive things. In fact in some cases doing too much of the attentive things can make you into a super wuss, for which women feel no attraction.

            Attraction, prizeability, intimacy: That is what has to be maintained. There is no exact recipie for doing this. When it comes to attraction, we sometimes have less control than we think. That’s why women go with bad boys, even when they know they are no good for them. That’s why guys do the same with manipulative women. One has to do the right attentive things, not become a human carpet. It’s more of: I’m doing this because I’m a romantic sexy intuitive man, rather than I’m doing this because I’m obligated to do this. A woman has to continue to see you as a prize.

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        • Joey Giraud Says:

          “think about what YOU’RE not doing, rather than what your partner’s not doing.”

          Why not start her off with a kiss, boy? No need to go leaping for the clitoris, try a kiss!

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

    • b Says:

      In my own experience as a woman, I can tell you that I have experienced both barely wanting sex with my partner once every 4-6 weeks (that was my husband during our 16-year relationship), even though we were both quite good at it and always enjoyed it when we bothered to do it, AND wanting and having sex twice a day, every day, with my now ex-boyfriend during our entire year and a half together. Same woman, two different men. And both were great with the oral and the rest of it. What was the difference? Well, I was in love with the boyfriend, for one thing. But more than that, I think he and I just “fit” and had this easy, electro-chemical compatibility that had nothing to do with either of us or our relationship. It was just this primal, wonderful attraction that was always there for us. And the sex itself was pretty vanilla and repetitive, compared to some of the theatrics my ex-husband and I would get into. But that was the whole point: for us, with that attraction and compatibility, we didn’t need or want any theatrics. Vanilla never tasted so unbelievably amazing.

      My point is, when sex is consistently great in an effortless, magnetic, natural way, it just happens a lot more often. And when it requires effort, you are just not “in the mood” for it nearly as often. I remember how my ex-husband and I each openly had our own sex lives with ourselves (and our porn collection) on a daily basis, just not with each other. We used to laugh about it and think we were so “modern” and cool for that. Now I know how sad that really was. We just didn’t do it for each other, despite our mad skills. We just didn’t have “It”.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 2

  4. Cricri Says:

    I suggest you sleep with men. I heard they want it all the time, you’re gonna love it. I’m serious.
    I have better sex when in a serious relationship, I’m relaxed, more creative and daring and climax more. Of course it means I have more sex, but above all better quality sex. Not the one where my brain is polluted by fear and discomfort, or pressure. I take it that some prefer a bunch of junk sex rather than good memorable sex, to each its taste. It’s just someone has to cure cancer and it won’t be men if they’re too busy banging 7 times/ week, jerking off and sexting the rest of the time.
    Seriously, Studs + Horn = Unicorns. Equation solved! It’s that or you just learn to deal with it.

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  5. VJ Says:

    Yeah this is clearly a Mars vs Venus deal here. Let’s review shall we?

    1.) For many of the women, as CR sagely wrote, they don’t see this as a problem. It’s ‘natural’, part of aging. But if you’re still healthy and the Mrs. is still not very interested? Then it’s obviously the guys fault. He’s not doing something right. Just casing more stress by even mentioning the lack of sex! Or noticing it much! Too much stress means no sex! So it’s a very nice hermetically sealed circular logic debate. There’s really no easy escape here. Hence the eternal frustration from many guys, and their reluctance to commit for fear of this very common situation. And with marriage at all time lows, you’d think someone might clue in to this problem, right? Nothing doing! Denial is the favorite way of dealing with it, now & forever.

    See all those older couples out where they barely talk to one & another? Barely even look at each other? That’s from years of Lack & Non communication on this issue and many more. Forget about the sex dearie? Well if the hubby is very loving, & ‘understanding’, he won’t really mention it often for a very long time. Until he’s ready to leave, or you’ve caught mistress 3.5 on the couch giving him the great head you’ve somehow forgot about for the past few years. I know, no one’s ever heard of this scenario!

    2.) For the guys who do indeed suffer from a healthy or ‘active’ libido there’s only one realistic suggestion. Age out of it. Sometimes that might take until you’re 80 something, but by then you can easily find someone with a ‘matching’ libido to snuggle with. And sure, there’s plenty of situations where this is reversed. Typically the women are much more intolerant of the situation. Can’t give me the ‘Big O’? You’re out of here! Or worse, you’re not doing ‘down town’ just right? Don’t ‘take proper instruction’? You’re not long for the relationship.

    Worse, not only is the entire world conspiring against these poor dudes, (almost everyone does not see it as ‘much’ of an issue), he can’t Dare mention it to anyone! As Moxie notes, this just tends to screw up everything. And everyone (as Moxie also notes) tends to lie about it. So it’s a lost cause.

    3.) Ergo there’s no escaping the essential issue. You could remain single for longer (which many more guys do today). But that just sorta begs the question. So really, there’s no solution here. He simply has to be lucky enough to find a gal who has a similar sex drive as him, or one that he might somehow convince to try and accommodate some of his needs. But this also can and does affect women who are also ‘severely mismatched’. If the guy somehow survives for awhile (un-cuckolded) in such marriages, it’s not pretty at all.

    4.) So really? There’s no other relief here to be offered except maybe the usual: porn. Which at least we have in abundance and mostly for free. Hence the closed logical circle on the guys side here too. Where are all the ‘good men’? Umm Busy. Too tired from their long tiring jobs for a ‘real relationship’. To tired of/for demanding relationships. Run into many ‘emotionally stunted’ dudes? Why ask why? It’s just easier and far cheaper to enjoy their sexuality alone & in private. Want a relationship? What value do you add here? Lack of sex? OK what’s the trade off here? Some kids? (That’s the standard & common deal, right?) About <5-10 years of 'good sex'? Sorry, we're all living longer today too. Hence the age of marriage is up & marriage is down.

    Sorry for the length & rant. But one for the FAQ file. From oh about AD1-3000. A very, very old 'problem' indeed! Cheers & Good Luck, 'VJ'

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    • Andrew Says:

      This type of thinking is exactly the wrong paradigm. And leave the aging out of it. Women actually get better with age. It’s the guys whose testosterone levels start diminishing after 30. Yes, after menopasue, women’s sex drives can dimiinsh too.

      For too many men, sex is merely insertion into an orfice. For women it’s a lot more. She wants to feel the way she did on that first kiss, She wants that tender moment feeling before and after. Even women, who like hard almost violent sex, want you to hold and reassure them afterwards. If a woman doesn’t get that, her interest will wane. There is a win-win solution here. ” You don’t bring me flowers any more” barely covers the it, but it’s a start.

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      • Joe (the one you mean) Says:

        For too many men, sex is merely insertion into an orfice. For women it’s a lot more.

        Understanding the heavy qualifier “too many”, I think most of what you said is generalized bullshit. There are both men and women who just want to fuck and leave. There are also a lot of men who enjoy the intimacy of sex other than the simple act of intercourse. But men aren’t allowed to admit that.

        Yet, bullshit like this is peddled that reinforces the notion that woman’s sexual and intimate needs are superior to those of men. That all men want is to jerk off with a woman instead of alone; that a man’s sexual desires are merely animalistic, but a woman’s are noble.

        Note how you tried to qualify that “too many men” want this, but ALL women want so much more. And that “[i]f a woman doesn’t get that, her interest will wane.” That the failure of a woman to be sexual lies with the man. This simply not true as a partial OR universal statement (shall I introduce you to my ex-wife?)

        I’m also fed up with the suggestion, mostly from women, that if the man but only acted a little more romantic, he’d get action. Bullshit. I’ve talked to a lot of men online about this and very few said that was an effective strategy more than once or twice. Worse, this kind of crap turns intimacy into a game. Turning intimacy (whether sexual or emotional) into a reward system for what the lower libido person wants is vile and isn’t a realtionship; at that point the lower libido person has simply become a whore or a gigolo–intimacy is no longer an expression of love, but something to be bought.

        Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 12 Thumb down 3

        • Andrew Says:

          Joe life ain’t fair. I could sit there and have endless arguments and discussions and conversations about why I can’t just insert, do 5 mins of vigorous action and then fall asleep or leave. But we both know that won’t work. Also, I am not talking about becoming a human doormat or emotional dumpster. I know I have to make her feel prized. But guess what, I have to especially maintain her attraction to me, how she prizes being with me, and how much she values the intimacy with me.

          Intimacy is some powerful stuff now, where she feels like she can share anything with you, do anything, tell you anything. I am not making this stuff up; it’s possible and it works. The only downside is that, in failing relationships women will try to make things work a little longer than they should because you are good in these areas. And relationships mostly fail because people have different expectations, that may have been previously undiscovered, or have developed along the way. It’s really not an indictment on anyone like we love to assume

          Re. women wanna f*** and leave. That’s mostly because life’s experiences having led them there. It’s now a good protective mechanism, but it’s really not the deep seated natural inclination and desire.

          Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 6 Thumb down 10

          • Paula Says:

            So if a woman just wants to fuck and leave, she’s been broken down by life and/or is behaving unnaturally. That’s exactly what I referred to below, and why Joe got it exactly right.

            So not wanting to be thought of as broken or unfeminine, I’m supposed to pretend to want a relationship or extended cuddling, or flowers and chocolate, so you guys can then complain about having to do those things and how life just isn’t FAIR! And so we end up in the kind of mismatched mishmash that the OP was talking about to begin with.

            Let me tell you what I want. The most important thing to me is having a reliable companion — someone with whom I can buy concert tickets, plane tickets, camping reservations, and plan day trips to obscure and entertaining places. And then I want to know that every time we get together, if I want to have sex, I will have a willing and engaged partner. I’m capable of monogamy and emotional intimacy — if I give away this much on the Internet, imagine what I confide to a partner I trust! — but my needs are what they are. The OP has articulated his needs pretty well. Divorced Joe wants someone to sit on the couch, watch DVDs and hang with the grandkids, and I’m pretty sure banging someone 5-7 times a week is not his top priority at this stage in his life (feel free to correct me, but it seems like you just want to have more in quantity and variety than you got from your ex wife, Joe)

            Accepting that “women” are a certain way is basically settling. And the women like me end up settling too, thinking we must be abnormal. There are a lot of people who would be happier if they weren’t so mismatched, mostly because they think their gender compels them to behave a particular way. Stop thinking about it like it requires a belief in unicorns, or Holy Grails, or watery tarts throwing swords, and more that the quest to find a lifelong companion may be more difficult for some than others. You have to believe the payoff — and you — are worth getting it right.

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 2

            • NYdesignGuy Says:

              I love your last line.

              Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 1

            • Divorced Joe Says:

              I think I said that I’d rather sit on the couch watching DVDs with my granddaughter than going dancing or skydiving. That aside, I agree with your general point; what I want is a “reliable companion” who shares my interests and who is a willing and emotionally available intimate partner.

              And no, I’m not interested in merely banging someone 5-7 times a week. However, I would very much like to have intimate relations with someone who is doing it to express their feelings and desires 2-3 times a week. There were times my ex-wife and I had that, or something close to it, so I know what it feels like.

              Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 1

          • Divorced Joe Says:

            The problem is that you tacitly assume that if a person is not getting the intimacy they desire, it must be their fault–they aren’t wooing the other person and manipulating them into bed as though intimacy is a giant game.

            This isn’t to say that doing things for your companion isn’t good, but the motivation should be because you want to express you feelings, not because you think you are scoring points on a mythical scoreboard. When a relationship gets to that point, you don’t really have a relationship anymore.

            You also entirely missed my other point; your argument basically said that all women act a certain way and that they sell sex in exchange for something far more noble. In other words; women are whores–they can’t express affection unless they received something in return. You then state that a woman who doesn’t like to cuddle must have been perverted by life, suggesting that it must be those nasty, evil men that imposed that behavior.

            I maintain that normal, healthy relationships don’t work that way. As Paula said, most people, men and women, want a companion with whom they freely share their interests and passions. That’s what healthy relationships are.

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 0

          • VJ Says:

            Write back when you’ve got a bit more experience, K Andy? THX, ‘VJ’

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 6

  6. Paula Says:

    Have you considered older women? This isn’t said to be self-serving, but with all this stuff about “sexual prime,” I’m wondering if a woman in her early to mid 40s (who doesnt want or has truly given up on the kids thing) might be right for you libido-wise.

    In my 30s, I was in a mostly sexless marriage, so it’s hard for me to judge, but 5-7 times a week sounds about perfect to me now (mid-40s) even with the 50+ hour work weeks. Sexually, I’m most compatible with 20-somethings, which raises a host of different issues relationship-wise, but I think that maybe going for someone in a different age/hormonal range might be something to think about.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 3

  7. Mandy Says:

    I’m wondering if the men who require sex 5-7 times per week in a relationship are having that much sex when they are single? It’s an honest question, I’m really curious. If so, then I can see how you would not want to give up daily sex in exchange for a meaningful relationship with less sex, if sex is the most important thing to you (above companionship, a partner, someone who challenges you ,etc.). But if you’re not getting it before a relationship, why do you think you should hold out for it?

    Personally, I have no desire to have sex that often. Once or twice per week is plenty for me, and I’m (fairly) young and healthy. I’m also really, really busy and stressed, so that probably plays a part in it. My boyfriend would like more sex, and sometimes I would like less–we both compromise. It’s not all about the man compromising to be in a relationship. And regarding intimacy, it’s not just sex that brings that. If I’m single I can go out and get sex whenever I want it. But a guy who actually cares for me cuddling up with me, and giving me a foot rub? I can’t get that whenever I want it. We have had to find a balance of intimacy that works for both of us.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 10 Thumb down 5

    • Crotch Rocket Says:

      “I’m wondering if the men who require sex 5-7 times per week in a relationship are having that much sex when they are single?” That often? Very rarely. However, that’s how things start in a relationship with women who claim to love sex, at least for a few months. Then it drops down to 1-2 times per week (if that), which is the fairer comparison to being single. Most other women start that low, and it goes down from there.

      “if sex is the most important thing to you (above companionship, a partner, someone who challenges you ,etc.)” It’s not above those things, any more than I place oxygen above food and water. They’re all necessary–and if you’re not getting enough of any of those things, the relationship is doomed. How can I consider someone a “partner” if they’re not only not interested in meeting my needs but won’t even talk about those needs and find a reasonable compromise we can both live with?

      “Once or twice per week is plenty for me, and I’m (fairly) young and healthy. I’m also really, really busy and stressed, so that probably plays a part in it” Yes, it definitely does. Being stressed and fatigued also has other negative effects on your life, such as health. Obviously, you don’t place a high priority on fixing this problem in your life–probably because the burden falls mainly on your boyfriend.

      “It’s not all about the man compromising to be in a relationship.” What specific compromise have you made in this area?

      “If I’m single I can go out and get sex whenever I want it.” Of course; you’re a woman. You can get laid any time you want, whether you’re in a relationship or not. And that’s why women can’t understand men’s motivation, since we’re on the other side of that supply/demand imbalance.

      “But a guy who actually cares for me cuddling up with me, and giving me a foot rub? I can’t get that whenever I want it.” Of course; you’re a woman. Men can get cuddling etc. any time we want, whether we’re in a relationship or not. And that’s why men can’t understand women’s motivation, since you’re on the other side of that supply/demand imbalance.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 15 Thumb down 7

      • Mandy Says:

        “[“Once or twice per week is plenty for me, and I’m (fairly) young and healthy. I’m also really, really busy and stressed, so that probably plays a part in it” Yes, it definitely does. Being stressed and fatigued also has other negative effects on your life, such as health. Obviously, you don’t place a high priority on fixing this problem in your life–probably because the burden falls mainly on your boyfriend.]”

        While I generally appreciated your response, this was a bit aggressive, no? Working full time while trying to finish a PhD is a stressful place in my life, and there’s not much I can do about external family issues such as health problems. I do what I can to fix it. But it’s still there. Yes, I assume it is affecting my health, but unless you can wave a magic wand so that I don’t have to work to make $$ and my family is healthy, there’s only so much to do!

        And what compromise have I made? Well, I have sex more often that I feel like I need to, although never when I truly don’t want to. I stay up later so I’m not asleep when he gets home so we can have sex then. I put effort into things that I know will make me more into it (such as keeping in shape, and taking yoga), even though it cuts into my work/school time. And we have sex instead of other intimacy activities (like cuddling) sometimes. I thought I made that clear.

        Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 8 Thumb down 2

        • Crotch Rocket Says:

          “this was a bit aggressive, no?” Yes, it was, and you didn’t deserve that. I apologize.

          “what compromise have I made? Well, …” Congratulations; you appear to be a unicorn. Got any like-minded friends for me and the OP? :-)

          “I thought I made that clear.” You said you compromised, but many women use that to mean dictating the terms of the man’s compromise. The specifics were necessary to see if you were one of them.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 2

      • Cricri Says:

        A bit much, no? We have no idea what work she does so we shouldn’t be passing judgment that easy. I take it that it only takes men 15mn to get off but seriously that was a very ignorant, self-centered and aggressive reply on your part. All in moderation, my friend!

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 5

  8. j Says:

    Man with a strong sex drive have a problem finding a woman with a similar drive. That’s not uncommon, of course.

    If you tell every female you meet that you’ve got a strong sex drive, that’s a plus to some woman. To a lot of women you’re just stating the obvious about all males.

    Obviously, a little flexibility on your part will increase your chances of finding a girlfriend. You’ve got to make that decision.

    It almost sounds like you’ve got things backwards. If you focus on the bonding aspects of the relationship, unrelated to sex, you may find yourself experiencing more and better sex with your partner. Have you even considered that?

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 4

  9. Paula Says:

    Moxie talks a lot in this post about psychological explanations, but what about biological explanations? It’s hard to describe someone’s sex drive as inordinately high without knowing what hormone cocktail is surging through their veins.

    We accept that there are physical explanations for a low sex drive, whether it’s depression or a hormone deficiency, and understand that things like certain medications and menopause can suppress libido. Yet someone with a high sex drive is avoiding emotional intimacy? There doesn’t have to be gender dysphoria present to recognize that we all have a different set of hormones fueling our bodies — and guiding our actions far more than we realize.

    I also think we have a tendency to describe anything higher or lower than what we want as “abnormal.”

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 1

    • Angeline Says:

      Hehe I love the last line. And what happens if Mr. Sexy Time finds a high sex drive woman, and that hormone cocktail changes in him, and HE becomes the low sex-drive person? I’m still genuinely surprised by the 5-7 times a week being corroborated by so many of the guys here. Even though I swore after my often sexless marriage ended that I’d never enter into a relationship with someone with a low sex drive again, and after years of feeling like some kind of gender-switched freak because I wanted sex more often than my ex-husband, that figure is overwhelming to me.

      Women in their 30s and 40s who have a job, and kids, have a lot of unchangeable demands on their time, and sex takes some time. It takes time for women to ramp up – one gender difference that really does exist. Now that I don’t have kids at home, I only have the demands of the job (when I have the luxury of just one job at a time) and I have a lot more time to indulge in fun and sex. I still don’t know if I’d want it every danged day.

      As far as the opposite sides of the gender divide as to how we regard the basic equation of “she can get sex any time she wants, but she doesn’t want it” and “he can get cuddling anytime he wants, but he doesn’t want it”, I have to say that the point about whether it is GOOD sex has been glossed over. I think what men can’t really relate to is the prospect of all the ramp-up, the time, the mess, with the very real possibility that she won’t climax. If men wondered whether they would come or not every time they set out to have sex, they might decide sometimes, “Meh. I’d rather get some sleep.” Yeah, we’re responsible for our orgasms, and for communicating what works, yeah yeah yeah. I can do that by myself, in minutes. This is the first time in my life I do NOT have that “hmmm, I wonder if it’ll happen this time, or if I’ll have to work at it” and I tell you, it’s a revelation. I can sorta see the guy point of view on that. Without that bogeyman hanging out there, I’m ready to dive in any time he hints at it. BUT – he’s not with me every night – he spends a couple of nights a week with his kids, and has a very physical job out in the heat/cold/weather. *HE’S* not up for it every night. So I really don’t know how I’d react if this was his norm.

      To the poster who asked ‘haven’t you heard of the quickie?’, that, out of all the responses here, bothered me a lot. That came across like you should just be his masturbatory toy. The occasional quickie is a fun, spontaneous romp. As a staple of sex with a committed partner? Oh, hell no. Get a Fleshlight.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 4

      • Crotch Rocket Says:

        “5-7 times a week … is overwhelming to me.” That just shows how little you understand the problem: my sex drive is measured in times per day, not per week. We’re not even using the same scale.

        “It takes time for women to ramp up – one gender difference that really does exist.” Not really. I’ve known women who could go from zero to ripping my clothes off in seconds, depending on the stimulus. Unfortunately, even when we find that button, one can only press it so often or it stops working. And the same is true for men: do you wear the same sexy lingerie every time? The major difference is that men know what their buttons are and have little/no trouble communicating them, whereas women rarely seem to know and even more rarely are able to talk about them, much less encourage their man to press them at every opportunity.

        “the point about whether it is GOOD sex has been glossed over.” I suppose, but only because we’re not talking about how often we want GOOD sex. I’m perfectly fine with mediocre sex most of the time.

        “That came across like you should just be his masturbatory toy.” That’s a rather crass way of putting it, but yeah, sometimes that’s how it goes down (no pun intended). More revealing, though, is that you assume sex is always for the guy’s benefit and that women can’t enjoy quickies too. There have been times when I am not in the mood but took care of her anyway; that’s part of the deal when you agree to exclusivity. Or, if she wants a second (or third) round, I’ll gladly comply even though I know it’s unlikely I’ll get off again before she wants to stop or take a break. And sometimes you’re both in the mood but just don’t have the time and/or energy for a drawn-out session.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 1

        • Angeline Says:

          “my sex drive is measured in times per day, not per week. We’re not even using the same scale.”
          Do I or other women have sexual thoughts and impulses several times a day? Yes of course. Do I want sex right at that instant? Yes! Do I actually think sex is going to happen, is practical, that often? There’s the difference in scale. Are you seriously expecting that sex will happen every time you have a sexual thought?

          ” “It takes time for women to ramp up – one gender difference that really does exist.” Not really.” You say not really, and then proceed to make the point, “depending on the stimulus”. I guess I should have put some kind of “YMMV” in front of and at the end of every paragraph, but obviously there are the occasions where he can’t catch up with *my* ‘ramp up’. That isn’t the average, and it isn’t the average for women across the board. *On average*, women take longer to heat up for sex. That’s a given. Not taking that extra bit of time to catch her up to him is often where the disconnect happens. My partner makes that extra effort to keep me in his loop during the day with a naughty text or a phone call where he’ll say something he’s going to do to me later. Sometimes he doesn’t even do that, but when we see each other, something he’ll say or do will light me up, and off we go. But the point is, he takes that little extra step to catch me up to his desire level and keep me thinking about sex as much as he is. We’re going on 2 years, and both keep wondering/kidding if things are going to taper off or slow down. We finally quit wondering and are just enjoying the ride.

          More revealing, though, is that you assume sex is always for the guy’s benefit and that women can’t enjoy quickies too.
          Did you miss this part? “The occasional quickie is a fun, spontaneous romp.” I’m more up for a quickie than my partner actually, and when it’s just part of the total sex menu, I don’t even care whether I come. It’s just hot, crazy, silly fun – to make a bit of close, loving connection before work, or before a party, or hiding somewhere *at* a party …

          However, again, as a *staple* of sex, that is not satisfying in the least. Especially as an answer to a commenter talking about her time stressed schedule, where the response was implied that she should just bend over for the quickie, *for him*. Of course a quickie is much easier than trying to draw it out. That isn’t exactly an endorsement. It doesn’t have to be a multi-hour fuckathon to be satisfying, but odds are she’s not going to get off during a quickie. She in no way implied that the fuckathon was the only alternative, therefore no sex. My comment was intended to be crass because that’s how your statement came across, crass. Usually CR, your comments are so forthright and on point, but that just hit me wrong. Perhaps I read it wrong.

          but only because we’re not talking about how often we want GOOD sex. I’m perfectly fine with mediocre sex most of the time.
          Which goes to my point about quickies. Again, we skip right over what I think is a central element to this whole sad divide, and it *is* a sad thing that in general, the two sexes have such different desire levels: Good sex. The cliche is that sex in general is a quickie, that just when the woman is really starting to get into it, he explodes, collapses, and falls asleep. I’m betting there isn’t a sexually active woman out there who hasn’t experienced that, and put up with it, as a compromise to his desire level compared to hers. She put up with it as an accommodation, because overall it can still be a pleasant feeling, a loving, giving, closeness building thing. But certainly not something you’d seek out. Certainly not the deeply satisfying, sleep inducing, stress-reliever that even a quickie can be *if* you climax.

          Even with an understanding partner, it becomes discouraging. It becomes a performance thing. You start to doubt whether you’re put together right, if there’s some deep, hidden, mental issue, if you’re not sexy enough, if you just did some as-yet-undiscovered magic trick THING, it would work … how can I be so turned on by him, and it isn’t happening? Why do I always have to make this happen by myself? or use some array of equipment!? Why won’t this work??!! Resentment can set in – why is it so easy for him?

          Step over here on this side of the fence, and imagine the getting up for sex over and over and over again, and the actual activities with the other person are not what gets you off. Try to really sit with that for a minute. Perhaps, imagine being coaxed to have sex, but you get close to coming, and it turns into cuddling. And that’s it … that’s all you get. Lots of times. Over and over. Oh, and come on, you should also just do this quickie for me, TOO. C’meer … cuddle me dammit. I have needs.

          Would you still be so eager to have sex with another person, if the goal was just to get off? When you can do that yourself in a matter of a couple of minutes? You’re equating that to mediocre sex … does mediocre to you mean you don’t get off? Mediocre sex … I’m trying and failing to picture that. Either it’s “nice” but somewhat disappointing – the potential was there for great because you’re into your partner and turned on – but ultimately it’s an emotional bonding and cuddling event, but no climax. Or, there’s climax in whatever time frame or context, and that makes it fabulous.

          My first few years, (years!) of sex with my live-in boyfriend then husband were like that, but we stuck with it, because we were both young and inexperienced enough to realize we probably didn’t know what we were doing. We read books. We watched porn (80’s porn, which was pretty soft core compared to now, thankfully). Then we figured out what worked for us, and sex took off like a rocket. Then we really figured out oral sex, what worked for each other. We had a few good years of that, and then his family fell apart, and then he started withdrawing. It was a decent number of years of really good sex, but I still didn’t climax every time.

          Now for some reason, with my current partner, perhaps my age, the fact that he’s uncut, I don’t know – I come every time. Sometimes more – I never have figured out or cared if it’s really coming several times or waves of the same one, and I don’t care … but having been on both side of that fence, I can tell you I’m always up for it now, compared to when I was married, even though it was pretty good then. I can not emphasize enough how much that has changed my drive and frequency of initiating, or leaping on his suggestions.

          All I can come up with for mediocre sex would be the first few, fumbling, clumsy, awkward times you have sex with a new partner. Mediocre would maybe be no potential to climax at all … a partner who just doesn’t turn you on … ? I’m not expecting hours, or even a half hour. I just want to climax too, and then it IS fabulous. Whether it took 2 minutes or 20. I’m thrilled.

          You mentioned that it’s impossible to really imagine what it’s like for women to imagine NOT being able to have sex any time they hint that they want it, and I submit that this is the other side of that fence, not the cuddling thing.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 3

          • Crotch Rocket Says:

            “Are you seriously expecting that sex will happen every time you have a sexual thought?” Of course not. However, out of the hundreds (thousands?) of sexual thoughts I have per day, it’d be nice if at least one of them resulted in actual sex. That seems perfectly reasonable. I’m baffled why you think it’s not.

            ”Not taking that extra bit of time to catch her up to him is often where the disconnect happens.” The disconnect, I think, is that many women don’t seem to want to “catch up to him”. Ya see, when a woman tells me she’s “not in the mood”, I take that as a problem to solve. So I try, and in most cases she gets angry. And then I’m confused and frustrated, which leads to me being angry as well. And then I’m doubly frustrated, because we can’t even have angry sex ;-)

            “when [quickies are] just part of the total sex menu, I don’t even care whether I come. … However, again, as a *staple* of sex, that is not satisfying in the least.” There are two disconnects here. First, a quickie doesn’t have to mean you don’t get off; that’s just a matter of skill and knowing your partner. Second, I’d prefer it not be a staple either, but I’m okay with that. I only have the time and energy to make pancakes, omelets etc. on the weekends; weekday mornings, I just have cereal–a staple. Do you suggest I starve myself instead?

            “My comment was intended to be crass because that’s how your statement came across, crass. Usually CR, your comments are so forthright and on point, but that just hit me wrong. Perhaps I read it wrong.” Perhaps the wording could have been improved, but it was meant as a genuine question, and I think you’re reading something there that wasn’t intended.

            “Even with an understanding partner, [not getting off] becomes discouraging. It becomes a performance thing. You start to doubt whether you’re put together right, if there’s some deep, hidden, mental issue, …” It’s not so deep, and it’s not particularly hidden either. One just has to look and, more importantly, communicate. I’ve been with several women who claimed they had never had an orgasm; in every single case I eventually managed to figure out how to do it–if they let me. Numerous more claimed they’d never had one during sex, and while my record isn’t perfect, I figured out most of them as well. One thing they all had in common was having no clue what they enjoyed–or at least being unable to communicate it.

            The major divide here is not that it’s easier for men to get off, because it isn’t. It’s that most women allow men to take control of the situation, and by default we’re going to do what gets ourselves off. Those same women then blame the men for not reading her mind to know what she wants him to do, taking no responsibility for the results. OTOH, the rare sexually confident woman has no problem communicating and sharing responsibility for both people’s enjoyment, and it’s a completely different (and better) experience for both.

            “Would you still be so eager to have sex with another person, if the goal was just to get off?” Yep. You think I’m making a deep emotional connection with some nameless, faceless chick I met in a bar and never intend to see again? I’m just there to get off. There’s your “masturbatory toy”.

            “‘I’m perfectly fine with mediocre sex most of the time.’ … does mediocre to you mean you don’t get off?” Of course not. Not getting off would be bad sex, not mediocre.

            “Mediocre sex … I’m trying and failing to picture that. Either it’s “nice” but … no climax. Or, there’s climax in whatever time frame or context, and that makes it fabulous.” Do you have no shades of gray at all? Picture orgasm quality on a scale of 0 to 10, where 0 is none, 1 is what you can get masturbating, and 10 is so awesome (in the literal sense) it induces catatonia or syncope (n.b. not mere sleep). In between, sex ranges from mediocre to good to great.

            “All I can come up with for mediocre sex would be the first few, fumbling, clumsy, awkward times you have sex with a new partner.” The first few times do tend to be bad or mediocre because you haven’t learned yet what makes each other tick, though you still may sense a potential for greatness together. But you don’t have to be great every time or even most of the time; mediocre is enough to scratch the itch, to kick the ball down the street until you have time/energy for better.

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

  10. Maargen Says:

    I had the same problem a few years back. I was working a traditional day job, while my boyfriend was a freelancer, so had more free time. He wanted sex every single night, but at the end of some work days, I just wanted to relax in different ways. Having sex every single night meant there was no time for other things: going out to dinner, visiting friends, going to a movie or to a play. I understood that if he agreed to any of these things, it was with the understanding that we had better have sex when we get home. So I would skip the other activites and have sex, rather than be up until 2 or 3 AM every night. As he had no interest in doing anything else, this suited him fine.

    There were plenty of times that I put his need for sex over my need to relax. Then I began to realize that he never did the same for my needs. If I needed to ‘snuggle’ instead of sex, he pouted and refused, or did it grudgingly so I would feel terrible.

    Eventually, I got resentful. I felt that he didn’t care for me at all – he just wanted to have sex every day without having to go out and look for it. Sex wasn’t something I enjoyed – it was an obligation that I tried to get out of the way as quickly as possible.

    I ask the OP (and CR): there’s a certain level of wining, dining and courting that you do when entering a relationship, before the woman is actually your girfriend. Do you keep up that same level throughout the relationship, or does that taper off when you’re comfortable that she’s yours? Or do you skip all of that, and only deal with women who are ready to have sex right away? Good sex takes time, and unless you’re the ‘minute man’ type, having it every day doesn’t leave time for much else in life. In the end, I left my boyfriend because his focus on sex made him a very one dimensional, boring person. That was NOT sexy!

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 2

    • Crotch Rocket Says:

      “Having sex every single night meant there was no time for other things” Um, have you not heard of the “quickie”? Seriously: you can have sex in less time than it takes to have an argument about not having sex. It’s actually much easier than trying to draw it out into some multi-hour fuckathon. (Unless he’s on SSRIs or has other medical issues.)

      “I felt that he didn’t care for me at all – he just wanted to have sex every day without having to go out and look for it.” Perhaps that was true of that guy in that particular relationship; it sounds like it. There are plenty of relationships like that. And, similarly, there are plenty of women who just want the social validation of being in a relationship and aren’t interested in sex. Too bad they rarely seem to end up with each other.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 3

  11. pistola Says:

    OP,

    This lengthy letter is pretty much 100% about your needs and discontents when it comes to feeling connected. How much do you know, or care, about the women you’ve been with when it came to their needs and discontents around feeling connected?

    I’m just asking, because I don’t see anything reflected in your letter about it.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 7 Thumb down 7

    • Cricri Says:

      Exactly!!! I was wondering in what ways he, himself was fulfilling the emotional needs of his partners, since for a lot of women, sex is linked to that aspect. Some people, men and women, just expect sex because they’re in a relationship, regardless of the state of dysfunctional dynamics that can exist in said relationship. We have no idea of what your behavior with your GFs is so clearly we cannot really make any other judgment than “deal with it”.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 3 Thumb down 7

  12. Capt. Jack Sparrow Says:

    From a guy’s perspective, sex is pretty important in a relationship … and being rejected sexually is very frustrating and stressful for a guy if he’s initiating and his girlfriend is unresponsive. I think women feel the same way … girls want to feel wanted and desired by their man. It’s not the sex or lack thereof that’s necessarily the issue … it’s sexual rejection which more likely would cripple a relationship.

    Guys need to realize that foreplay for women is a 24/7 endeavor. For a guy, foreplay (i.e., arousal and erection) spans minutes. But for a woman to really have a rip-your-clothes-off carnal desire for her guy, her guy needs to be building up her emotional lust the whole day long. Use all the senses, touch, voice, smell, sight, taste. You don’t have to be present. Check-in during the day. Show her how much you desire and need her. Show her some effort and show her you’re madly crazy about her. Don’t think you can necessarily turn her on 5 minutes before you want to penetrate her. It doesn’t work like that.

    Certainly what moxie and amy said is true. Life gets in the way of physical intimacy sometimes. But I don’t think this is what OP is referring to. He’s referring to his own experiences as a 31 y.o. with women his age or younger. This sounds to me like his girlfriends’ libidos drop-off after a while. It’s normal for some drop-off b/c life does get busy … but spend all of your free time showing her how much you love and lust for her and “spice” it up … and maybe you’ll see more “sexy time.” When you’re talking about a long-term relationship, sexy-time for women is a response to how they feel emotionally, not necessarily about them being physically horny or not.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 11 Thumb down 1

    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      girls want to feel wanted and desired by their man. It’s not the sex or lack thereof that’s necessarily the issue … it’s sexual rejection which more likely would cripple a relationship.

      I know a woman who dated a man who did this to her and it did a number on her. This sometimes happens when a couple is going through a rough patch. But he did it to her continuously for the latter half of their several year relationship. It’s done with the intention of making the rejected person feel insecure. It’s a way to manipulate your partner so that they’re so insecure. It’s so twisted.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

    • Cricri Says:

      “”Guys need to realize that foreplay for women is a 24/7 endeavor. For a guy, foreplay (i.e., arousal and erection) spans minutes. But for a woman to really have a rip-your-clothes-off carnal desire for her guy, her guy needs to be building up her emotional lust the whole day long. Use all the senses, touch, voice, smell, sight, taste. You don’t have to be present. Check-in during the day. Show her how much you desire and need her. Show her some effort and show her you’re madly crazy about her. Don’t think you can necessarily turn her on 5 minutes before you want to penetrate her. It doesn’t work like that.””

      That, right there!!!! Thank you mister!

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 7 Thumb down 3

    • Capt. Jack Sparrow Says:

      If someone is intentionally rejecting their partner sexually, one of four things is usually going on. Either one, could be a simple case of stress (but it should be a pretty temporary thing). Or two, they want out of the relationship, but are too chicken-shit to do the dumping … and are passive-aggressively making the other person do the dirty work. Or, as you say, they’re playing mind-games. Or three, they don’t want sex … maybe she’s having her period or he’s having erectile dysfunction issues. Or four, as you said … mind-games.

      One and three may be fixed. Two and four pretty much signal the end of the relationship.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

  13. DrivingMeNutes Says:

    Trying to be as objective as possible, I think sex 5-7 times a week is not a reasonable expectation, especially in a long term relationship.

    In my personal experience, sex tends to get boring over time and not better. Other things may get better – emotional connection, friendship, attachment but the sex? Not so much. Wearing lacey underwear doesn’t cut it unless its on a different woman.

    So, I have some difficulty relating to the OP. I do understand the high sex drive but I don’t get the need to find a single partner to share that with. That would be boring to me. I assume at least some of the women he’s with who claim to have high sex drives just got bored too. Other than legit biological differences between genders, I don’t think women have a monopoly on “losing interest” in a long term relationship.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 0

  14. RC Says:

    Ok, I think there is something else at play here. All the men jumping in saying they want it 5-7 times a week minimum… great!
    Female sexuality picks up later than men’s. I cannot speak for others but I am 31 and it’s been impossible to have adequate sex life with partners / boyfriends I’ve had up till now.
    In the beginning it’s great – 2-3 times a day (evening and morning), every day, weekends – in short, it’s wonderful. About 3 – 4 months in, most men’s drive tapers off to 2-3 times a week and weekends, why?

    The answer a good male friend gave me was: “we know we can get it now, so we are not as desperate anymore”…

    I wonder if OP wants a lot and often with more than one woman at a time and just wants to justify himself – if that’s the case, more power to him but please be honest with yourself.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 3

  15. NYdesignGuy Says:

    Amazing Gay Sex

    So I was talking about my conundrum with 2 of my best female friends yesterday for a few hours. Today I see a lot of the female perspective on here and some male perspective as well and I see a common thread. Also I’d like to give you a little more feedback and back story.

    For starters I’m very straight, which I now find to be unfortunate because the sex life I want is like that of a gay man. A gay man who has a committed relationship with another and wants to be there in sickness and in health through the ups and the downs. But with regular sex and the possibility of us having maybe a sex friend on the side potentially without it impacting our primary relationship. I also realize there will be rough patches and that’s what committed couples go through. That’s not what this dialogue is about.

    I’m straight and I love women, I love them in so many ways and I love the many different forms they come packaged in. I actually am very romantic and love taking care of a woman and long to be in a relationship where she cares back and doesn’t see my sex drive the way a large majority seem to look at it. Most women do end up insecure if I tell them up front about my sexual ideals and if I stay quiet then I run a risk of in 6 months of the woman being normal wanting to cut back on the sex regardless of how much I put into the relationship listening wise, being emotionally available, romancing them, and giving foot rubs along with back rubs. In fact they end up thinking I’m perfect and am their perfect mate EXCEPT my sex drive doesn’t go down. In the rare case as is my current/on hiatus relationship. The fact is I’m in love with this woman whom I really really want to make love to and have sex with more than once a week. In the past and currently the libido goes back to normal for women after approx. 6 months. There is no chemotherapy, no pregnancies although yes there is often work, careers, or education taking up their time but I’ve always been busy and that has never diminished my need for quality sex with a partner I’m crazy about. As Crotch Rocket said some us really and truly do feel 5-7 is ideal and are already making a compromise having it less than once a day. Also as far as comparing our sex lives from being single to being in a relationship it simply isn’t the same. If I put effort I can have multiple women to date during a week and have a crazy variety of sex. But this is about having sex with someone we truly love and enjoy that bonding chemistry that comes from a great romp in the sack with our loved one. Just not once or twice a week, it really is very possible to go almost every single day and do feel like it’s kind of a big deal once it goes down to under 4 times a week.

    So speaking last night I realize it is absolutely nuts to think that the average woman will ever want to have sex as often as me. If I was gay I’d be set, but the type of woman I want may end up as Moxie says “Other Issues” because women just aren’t wired the way men are. However as we can see from the men here, it’s common that we feel like we have to “Age” or reluctantly accept that we won’t have our sexual ideal realized. We MUST make a choice between the quality of women/sex over the quantity and the sad truth is we really don’t want to. While men and I cannot speak for all by any means but in general the good guys who do cook, care, and try to be emotionally available to women, and the ladies seem to try to keep the sexual flame burning we are simply mismatched in this department and there seems to be no clear answer. A few women on here mentioned they felt like me, or that I should perhaps think about an older woman. They give me hope that if I hold out long enough and continue to put effort into finding my ideal she exists. Most men won’t they will settle or rationalize that hey she’s quality wifey material and finding a girl who thinks like me just ain’t gonna happen unless she’s psycho because that’s been my experience from dating. (this really isn’t far fetched) Then maybe in 10-20 years the dice roll plays out and he’s either happily married, unhappily married, or divorced and rolling the dice again. Women for a different set of reasons are playing the same game with different rules and as crotch rocket so eloquently commented. We are always on the opposite side of the supply and demand spectrum. So it’s truly difficult for us to truly feel/empathize with the other genders feelings about what’s important to them because we just don’t feel about it the same way.

    To answer some more questions about myself I do want a lot and often and I wouldn’t be opposed of it to being with other women. But I do want a serious committed relationship and have no need for it to open up early in the relationship. I do think a solid foundation of trust and security built by real love is essential to reaching my ideal. Also I do realize that foreplay for a woman is a 24/7 operation in the animal world I’d say women are definitely more like cats and men more like dogs. Cats are fine animals, beautiful, elegant, and very sensitive. Dogs well, they’re really not that difficult to please not to say they don’t have their issues. They’re required for you to come home and walk them every single day! More then once and in the end as an owner you realize you like that walk, it’s healthy and can be bonding. Men really aren’t very different give us sex every day and you will have a very happy man by your side and you might not feel so bad about missing a spinning class once in a while if your getting a good workout from your man.

    Also the biggest trigger for me when the woman I’m in love with doesn’t want to have sex with me is the feeling of rejection, and once my libido is officially going at a different speed from my partners after the honeymoon period any pressure I put on her for sex worsens the situation. However if I resign to let her dictate sex then I’m truly unhappy at the females ideal of maybe 1-2 times a week of sex. I’m a pleaser I love to take care of the person I’m committed to and will go above and beyond to make her feel special as i said earlier. So when I voice that this is my one simple need, the one place I want you to do for me the way I cook, rub, and am emotionally available which really isn’t a pain for me because I like giving it hurts that she is aware that this is my want and still wants her ideal of 1-2 times a week. So I end up feeling a myriad of emotions from voicing something and having it ignored or told that I’m abnormal.

    In the end we’re simply different genders because if I was gay this simply wouldn’t be a problem. However I’m straight and I feel like in my time of dating I have learned from every relationship to be a better boyfriend/partner. But this is something that is true to me and I want a woman who has either done the same and gets this about men, or is wired similar to me. Older,younger, different ethnicity, different background, different culture. I don’t know what has to be done but I realize I’m being idealistic. But like the rest of my generation I don’t find it very acceptable to marry for the sake of marrying and seeing a divorce later on as an answer. I want true love and I want it to last forever and this means finding someone who is compatible for me. Not just outside the bedroom but inside as well.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 1

    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      Why not just find a woman who is open to an open relationship?

      I friend of mine and I were just talking about his situation, and it seems to work for him. He’s clear upfront that he prefers sexual variety. He has sex with women other than his girlfriend. He loves his girlfriend and the outside sex does not interfere.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

      • NYdesignGuy Says:

        Unicorn

        These women are incredibly difficult to find but after researching from men in swinger forums on how to find this type of woman. The general consensus from the community is that it’s easier to find a regular woman and try to open her up to the lifestyle than to actually find a single woman in the lifestyle already who isn’t taken or isn’t non-committal for other reasons such as enjoying being a unicorn in the community. so I find it comes down to finding this person who thinks or is wired like me. Throwing it out onto your forum has pretty much told me that yes most women will never be unicorns although 2 responders seem to be inline with my thinking and give me hope that these unicorns do exist and that if I persist. I may find.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

        • pistola Says:

          Sounds like polyamory might be an option for you. More than one partner to have a relationship with, not just sex. However, you also must be aware that any open relationship runs the not inconsiderable risk of you or your partner falling in love with another person. I presume that you would also be OK with her having other partners, yes?

          I’m a woman with a high sex drive–more so than anyone I’ve ever been in a relationship with. And I certainly could have gone the route, during times of being single, of being a unicorn and having lots of uncommitted liaisons with lots of different guys. I’ve also been that woman that has been approached, repeatedly, about “opening up to the lifestyle.” For me personally, this was a cause for insta-dumping a guy. I’m not interested in managing the DRAMA from multiple relationships, though the sex would be nice. And I’m willing to do other things with my libido to make it work with one partner. Like: exercise, get creative, study dance, write…

          From your post above it sounds like you think the lack of commitment from a woman who enjoys sex and variety is a problem, but think about it–why would a woman who can have a variety of men all the time, and knows that you’re the same about wanting sexual variety, see much value in committment? Why not just date such a woman and love her as she is?

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

    • Paula Says:

      Have you tried online dating? Not to merge this with the previous thread, but the guy I’m seeing now mentioned in his profile that he had a very high sex drive, and that anyone who didn’t feel similarly would be happiest looking elsewhere. I’m sure that cuts down on the volume of responses, but the ones who do have been warned.

      Typically, men are advised not to put that in their profiles, for fear of scaring away the women who might be interested in a relationship. But since you do, in effect, want to scare away the women without high sex drives, you can focus your screening efforts elsewhere: is there enough in common that makes a relationship worth pursuing? Is this person emotionally damaged and focused on sex for reasons other than an equivalent sex drive?

      Also, since I was questioning sexual compatibility with someone else I was dating through this service, I answered a lot of the questions relating to sex. This means the people who now show up as extremely high matches are most likely in the same ballpark as me, which is an additional filter.

      Many women delude themselves that a FWB situation will turn into a relationship, when the chances of that happening are fairly low. But here’s what happened to me…when my sexless marriage ended, I was emotionally devastated, not ready to jump into a new commitment. But I really needed sex at that point, so I answered an online FWB ad through Craigslist. He wanted me to agree to exclusivity while it was happening, but I said that wasn’t really an FWB situation, and I could only promise that I would tell him if I slept with someone else. I didn’t, and about six months later, after getting an ex out of his system, he indicated he was ready for a relationship. At that time, I agreed, and neither of us continued to consider it FWB after that. While the relationship didn’t ultimately work out, it wasn’t due to a libido mismatch, and even after we broke up, we kept sleeping together for a while.

      My point is that you could try a FWB thing with someone where there’s high sexual compatibility, keep it exclusive if you want, and then only commit when you’re confident the compatibility remains after the honeymoon period. If the woman only agreed to FWB to keep you happy, then she’s not going to mind if you want to have a relationship, especially if you’re doing all those things you describe to make her happy. And if she does cool off, then there are fewer hard feelings when there aren’t so many “benefits” involved.

      There are the kind of women you seek out there, and they’re more common in the universe than unicorns. But, as Crotch Rocket says, women are conditioned differently. And so those of us who feel that way about sex have often had it beaten out of us, by other women who think we’re slutty, or even guys who think our sex drive is abnormal. Throw some religious views we’re raised with on top, and dating rule books urging women to withhold sex, and you understand why some just give up, or learn to channel their sex drive in different directions. I’m now involved in training for a very aggressive sport, which might not appeal as much if I was spending the 10-15 hours a week I’m now practicing having sex instead…

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 1

      • NYdesignGuy Says:

        I have been super up front and have actually dated extensively online using the same methods you have. Like I said in my original post, I have dated women who have claimed to have high sex drives or wanted to be with a man with a high sex drive and then after some time some weird complacency kicks in. I do think that someone out there is wired the way I am and we’ll be happy to have found each other. I just feel like I keep on running into these walls over and over. So it’s become frustrating and hence I wrote in. I don’t think a large of women are aware to what sex means to men. How important it is and how so many of them do settle and then they wonder why issues arise down the road. I am holding out for someone who is the right compatibility for me because I do think it’s one of the more important things in life to get right. Not something you just take the first that comes along and is doable.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

        • Paula Says:

          OK, then let’s take sex out of the equation for a moment….Would people tend to agree that six months is often a critical turning point in relationships? A point at which you start to let down your guard and think that something that has been good for that period has the potential to be good long-term? Or if it seemed to have potential, but isn’t quite all that + chips, that you start thinking about throwing in the towel?

          If so, what you may be encountering (other people have mentioned this) either the passive-aggressive breakup, or the “now I’ve landed him, I can let things revert to how I really want them” mentality. I know this is hard to do when you’re feeling rejected, but one thing I wish I had done in my marriage is to call bullshit more clearly and much sooner. To lay it out there….sex is very important to me, and we used to have it a lot, and now we don’t, and it’s making me feel very frustrated and unloved. Can we talk about what’s going on?

          If it’s possible to have that conversation without her lying, changing the subject, or becoming really defensive, then it may be fixable. And if it isn’t, then it’s probably not, sorry to say.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

          • Crotch Rocket Says:

            “If it’s possible to have that conversation without her lying, changing the subject, or becoming really defensive, then it may be fixable. And if it isn’t, then it’s probably not, sorry to say.” So far, I’ve only successfully had this conversation once, and unfortunately that relationship ended for other, unrelated reasons. In every other case, the gal was unwilling to even to admit there was a problem, much less one we needed to talk about or work on.

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

        • DrivingMeNutes Says:

          You’re not so different from other guys. Most guys want a lot of sex. Some guys compromise on that because they want kids or whatever. And those guys either become complacent about sex themselves, or spend a lot of time jerking off to internet porn while their wives are out or sleeping or with the kids. Most likely that will be you. Other guys remain single and find excitement in sex with multiple partners. You’re only 31. I don’t think you’re situation is so unique – you’re just fixated at the moment on one unrealistic solution. As you get older, you’ll most likely get some clarity and figure out a more realistic and workable solution.. People get bored of sex with one partner. Deal.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0

        • VJ Says:

          We hear you NYDG, And the bottom line seems to be that you’re screwed, and not in the good way either! Sorry about that. There are women who might come close to ‘matching’ your drive, but most likely not for long. But there are plenty of yes, older women who’ve finally ‘woken up’, and overcome early socialization, family opprobrium or religious stigmas to become people with healthy & active sexual appetites. Now if you hang in there long enough? This is what might happen in a good marriage. Once the kids are gone & out of the house (really hard during the Depression, we know), the wife sometimes comes around to the prospect of actually wanting more intimacy and contact. That’s not uncommon. You just have to wait a good 20 years for it to ‘reappear’. But by that time? Many guys have likely mostly aged out of it, so it’s her time to be ‘more’ frustrated!

          So no, there’s really no way to win at this game, and it’s rigged from the start. Women can get both sex & affection almost anytime they want for much of their lives, with just a smile and a flirt. It’s only in senescence when they have to go looking. Hence the common resort to pets, and they most do fine with that.

          For some unfortunate guys, they’ll be begging for sex all their lives, and always feel half starved for the lack of it, In and out of relationships & marriages. And that simple essential truth is never really acknowledged much or recognized, except by the guys. But it’s been ‘known’ since the dawn of time. This is why we invented humor too, I’m betting. Just to cope with the irony & reality here!

          Just some more thoughts. Cheers & Good Luck, ‘VJ’

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 1

          • Amy Says:

            Does this description that you wrote: people with healthy & active sexual appetites – equal a desire for daily sex?

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 3

            • VJ Says:

              Amy, Sometimes Yes & No. It really depends on the timing. But what really helps is to finally get everyone to admit that when you do come together, and the scheduling & life’s working ‘well enough’, that sex should be on the menu, or at least everyone being available and open to the prospect. That takes some doing evidently. Constantly putting off your partner & saying ‘No’ or indicating your displeasure is something that can easily go from being annoying to something very troublesome in a relationship, and very quickly too.

              So it can be as simple as just saying yes more often and being more willing to participate in granting each others desires & pleasures. That’s what good relationships do, and that’s why people stay together, for more of the Good Times! Otherwise is a long, hard, cold slog though constant troubles and lack of & constantly search for true affection.

              If your partner is unwilling or unable to accommodate your needs, why are you there? Just constantly fighting to get whatever ‘scraps’ are left over from whatever else they’re doing they consider more important? Beyond child care for the very young, that’s a time honored prescription for failure in all too many ‘modern’ marriages. And yes, sometimes that means a ‘quickie’ is all that’s happening for weeks or months. And if that’s ‘beneath your dignity’ or something you can’t or won’t consider ‘often’? Please reconsider marriage/kids or any realistic LTR. Anyone unwilling to try and please their partner or address their needs in their real world circumstances, does not belong coupled, most likely. Sorry about that!
              Cheers, ‘VJ’

              Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0

  16. Cricri Says:

    There has been a lot of talk about sexual intimacy being substituted for the emotional one. A co-worker actually drew my attention to the fact that her boyfriend doesn’t even knows how to manage his stress and emotions and uses sex to do it. Whether he is happy, sad, pissed off, bored, can’t sleep, his way of dealing with it is always sex. Reason why he wants it almost everyday as well and it creates friction between them. I think some guys just see sex as some sort of master anti-depressant, just something they have to do to get that release and feel good comfort, which has really little to do with the GF actually. I can see where coming from that standpoint, the GF wouldn’t really be into it since it is not really to connect but just to get off. It doesn’t feel special anymore.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 2

    • Crotch Rocket Says:

      “Whether he is happy, sad, pissed off, bored, can’t sleep, his way of dealing with it is always sex.” And, provided he has a willing partner, it will always work. Sex is great like that. Unfortunately, though, if the partner isn’t willing he has no other way to deal with those problems, which will likely tank the relationship sooner or later.

      “it is not really to connect but just to get off. It doesn’t feel special anymore.” It’s only due to cultural conditioning that women “need” sex to always be “special” in the first place. Making love is and always should be special; however, many woman in our culture seem to confuse that with sex, which is a purely recreational (or, rarely, reproductive) activity that adults of both sexes need to stay healthy, both mentally and physically.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 2

  17. Paula Says:

    I just read something in the book Bonk that addresses this, and I wish I had it available, but the gist of it was that studies show that the more orgasms you have, the less stress you will report feeling.

    There’s nothing that will get me through a stressful day better than knowing I will be having sex that evening…so when I hear talk about people being too stressed or working too many hours to want sex, it’s like they’re speaking a foreign language to me. But again, that’s just the variation among people. Personally, I think sex is a much more healthy anti-depressant than a little pill that changes your body chemistry, and that the suppression or absence of sex is less healthy and leads to more depression than doing it as often as you can find a consenting partner.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 0

    • Maargen Says:

      I had read somewhere that having sex is a good CURE for a headache, and so I tried it. I don’t think it necessarily cured my headache every time, but it certainly made me feel better while the sex was going on!

      To me sex is like exercise: even when you don’t feel like doing it, you end up feeling better after you do.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 0

    • Charlie Says:

      “Personally, I think sex is a much more healthy anti-depressant than a little pill that changes your body chemistry, and that the suppression or absence of sex is less healthy and leads to more depression than doing it as often as you can find a consenting partner”

      Something my psychologist has said to me is before antidepressants were invented their recommendations normally boiled down to “Work and Love.”

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

    • Crotch Rocket Says:

      “sex is a much more healthy anti-depressant than a little pill that changes your body chemistry” In fact, both sexes’s genitals secrete hormones that act as anti-depressants for the other, in addition to the endorphins that are released by orgasm. Prozac et al are just attempts to duplicate those processes in a form that could be patented and sold for massive profit. Many illegal drugs do the same–and so well that real life simply can’t compete.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

  18. Horace Says:

    First off, this dude’s grammar hurts my soul.

    But more to the point… maybe he just doesn’t “bring it” in bed. Just sayin.’

    Personally, I’m a 1-2 times a week kind of guy for full-on sex, though I’ll pepper in a couple of days of mutual oral sex ;) But in that 1-2 times a week, I’m reaching for the stars.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 1

  19. Tricia Says:

    My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over six months. In previous relationships, I was in the same boat as NYdesignGUY. I wanted the sex every day (if not more), yet my previous boyfriends would not. Sometimes it would linger for MONTHS and a girl in her 20s, that just doesn’t bode well for me. I will even say that I’m not the kind of woman who cares about foreplay as with most. The act of sex itself is enough for me. Needless to say, it doesn’t take much to get me turned on at all (I’ll be sitting on the couch, thinking about it for a few minutes and be wet enough for a slip ‘n’ slide).

    Regardless, I never figured out why my previous guys didn’t want to have sex. They would give me the same BS excuses about being tired, they weren’t in the mood because they had a bad day at work. It seems as though the roles were reversed from the stereotype.

    This relationship seems all too perfect. We have that active sex life you describe (5-7 times a week). We are both very well taken care of physically and emotionally. He loves the fact that I can jump right into sex without him having to “work” like most women would want.

    All in all, I think it’s all about the healthiness of the relationship over all. I’ve never been in one as good as this, and the sex is proportionate right along with it. Grant it, I know in the future things are going to impede it, so don’t get me wrong. While I’m in Cloud 9 right now, I’m also a realistic.

    You need to speak to her about what’s going on the relationship (is she secure? are there things she’s spoken with you about that she has asked you to work on? has she reached out to you in any way?). Ask her what’s going on in her life (is there a stressful situation at work, with her family?). You’ll get down to the root of the problem. Turns out, my past relationships’ sex lives were all built on the healthiness of the relationship. I can see that now. And I see where my boyfriends were reaching out for things I wasn’t offering them.

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  20. Deriknmd Says:

    I hate to rag on you NYdesignGuy, but you have much to learn about women at 31yo. I hate to break it to you, but it’s not about you. If you’re saying that the women you’ve been with in a relationship loose interest after 6 months, then I think you need to get your act together.

    A women is more than a roll in your sack 5-7 times a week. My advice is my example. I am 60 yo and I’ve been with my current young lady who is 9 yrs younger than I am. We have been in a committed relationship now for over 7+ years! During our first year together I think we were having sex daily and I think our record was 10 straight nights and the weekends were like marathons at times. Today, our sex is more intense than it has ever been. That is because I am a student of romancing my partner. You have to romance her mind and soul first. this is long before you ever go to bed. That’s right, if you want all the sex you can handle……you have to develop that with ONE steady woman in your relationship and you have to give 150%. My lady tells me often that she is blown away by my desire to always want to please her and in return she desires to please me to the fullest.

    Bottom line, it’s what you make it. We have developed a desire to please each other beyond the norm. We have kept it as wild as the first day because we WANT each other. A woman wants to know if she is desired by her man and that doesn’t translate to “I want sex 5-7 times a week”.

    So when your honey calls you up at work in the middle of the work day wanting to “hookup for some hot fun” or she suggests taking a “slick day” from work, then you know she wants it more than you!

    Just my 2 cents and try to put a bit more of yourself into the next GF. If you can’t handle the 150%, then go for one of the popular sex websites.

    Mr. T.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 12 Thumb down 1

  21. A Says:

    I think that a nonmonogamous relationship may be a good answer for you. Sure sex is important to a relationship, but it’s entirely possible to have a functional polygamous or open relationship. Sometimes I think that we put too much stress on getting EVERYTHING from one person. If someone is perfect for you in every way except for this single physical aspect, why not handle it elsewhere? I think you’re more likely to find someone who’s willing to accept that than you are to find someone willing to have sex daily.

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