When Do You Give Him Another Chance?

Name: ARos | | Location: New York , New York |Question: If you have a first date, with a guy you never met, and the guy blows you off should you give him another chance.  I don’t want to but needed another opinion. |Age: 34

 

It all depends on how and why he blew you off. Often times, we assume we were “blown off” when really, something actually came up that made it impossible or difficult for the other person to get together.

I was reading a story last night about a woman who had been dating a man for a couple months. She had met his friends and family. Things were progressing. They had scheduled a date for that Friday night. He confirms the night before. Date night comes and, 15 minutes before he’s supposed to pick her up, he sends her a text telling her he has a flat tire and can’t meet up with her, but would like a raincheck. The woman replies and says okay. Then she goes to Facebook and she defriends him and blocks him. The guy sends her another text a few hours later, apologizing for canceling and asked her to let him know when he could make it up to her. Woman never replies and then is upset when the man doesn’t follow up with her. She didn’t believe he had a flat tire. Nor did the other woman to whom she was telling the story.

I shook my head as I read the story. First, if I haven’t said it enough, Facebook is a tool for the passive aggressive and emotionally immature. Seriously. If you’re upset or annoyed at someone, tell them using your big girl/boy words. Don’t communicate your feelings via social media. If you don’t have the balls to do that, or get defensive when they call you on it, then you really shouldn’t be dating to begin with.

Next, I’m the most skeptical person in the world, and even I believed he had a flat tire. But let’s say he didn’t. Let’s say he was lying and actually, as the woman’s friend suggested, had a better offer. How do you know for sure?  Are you so willing to kick a guy to the curb, especially one who had demonstrated his interest in other ways, with no actual proof of wrong doing? It’s one thing if the person has a habit of canceling. But if they don’t? You have to just suck it up and get over your disappointment. Things happen. Tires blow. People get sick. Traffic builds up. You can’t expect every relationship to be speedbump free. That’s just not realistic.

My general rule of thumb is to give the benefit of the doubt until they give you a reason not to. If you and a person you meet online make plans to go out, don’t sit back and wait for them to check in and confirm. Confirm with them the night before or morning of. If they reply back and cancel or ask to reschedule, suggest a date and time right then. If they say they have to check their schedule and get back to you, let them.  I don’t care who asked whom out first or what your gender is. Forget about all that protocol. There’s just so many unknown variables that you can’t live by some set of rules you read in Cosmo or on AskMen.com. If you’re someone who likes to plan your week a few days in advance, or just like to know what you’re doing 24 hours before, check in and confirm.

If they never follow up again, they weren’t interested. But if they do, and they express a sincere interest, then give them a shot. If the take a couple weeks to follow up, you should be somewhat guarded, but you should still give them a chance.  But if they don’t even bother to call you to tell you they have to cancel, and don’t even reply to your inquiry about the plans you’ve made, move on. That’s the only time I would say you’re justified in not giving them a second chance.

And keep something else in mind…if you’re someone who believes they should offer a profuse apology, get over it. A lot of people – male and female – don’t apologize because they don’t want to dredge up what they hope is in the past. It’s not necessarily a sign that they aren’t sincerely sorry.

I really hate this mentality that a man or woman should “beg” for forgiveness so they can somehow prove their interest. If you’re constantly going to be measuring someone’s interest by how hard they try to impress you, you’re in for a lot of frustration.

 

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9 Responses to “When Do You Give Him Another Chance?”

  1. WO7 Says:

    I think we need more details. It depends on how he blew you off. How much notice did he give you? What was his reason for blowing you off? Did he try to reschedule/suggest a reschedule?

    Personally, as a rule of thumb, I always give a person a second chance, even if I think the first blow off was bullshit.

    As for the tire story…that is ridiculous. He’d already introduced her to his family…why would she assume he was lying? Sounds like she asked her bitter single friend for advice, and the bitter single friend poured her some hateraide.

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  2. Saj Says:

    Seems like a strange overreaction on her part. Something is missing from the story or maybe he blew her off before it was a last straw type of a deal. I’ve had a first date even get a flat tire but the date just ended up starting a little later and it was no big deal.

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  3. Capt. Jack Sparrow Says:

    We need more facts. That he got a flat tire just before the date is plausible. If he’s apologetic, it’s worth giving him a second chance. But only if you’d give him an un-biased second chance … It’s not worth it if you’re going into the date already jaded by the so-called-blow-off. If it becomes a pattern of flaking, move on. You cannot tell a person’s character by one experience.

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  4. Paula Says:

    There are very few situations where I don’t think you should give someone at least one more chance…maybe if they couldn’t meet you because they were meeting their parole officer or sleeping with their sister or your best friend (unless you were the one who set that up, like the last post)…but otherwise, sh*t happens.

    If they’re deceiving you or not interested, then that one chance will not be enough, and it will be “fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.” And if they’re a good person that had something go wrong, then their subsequent conduct will demonstrate that.

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  5. Jaclyn Says:

    The flat tire was quite believable, and I would never have held it against someone I was in a relationship with. But a guy who blows off a first date (and that includes a guy who calls you five minutes before the date is supposed to start who is in midtown leaving work when he is supposed to be on the Upper West Side 5 minutes later) is probably not too interested, and you can give them a second chance, but be very skeptical.

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  6. Kegs Says:

    I agree that it depends on the reason. The flat tire story sounds completely plausible, especially if she had already met his friends and family. I can completely understand why a person would rather just reschedule a first date and fix their car rather than arrive with hands covered in dirt and oil, late and stressed for a first date. But there can be times the excuse seems more lame (it’s raining/cold/hot) and when it’s a last minute cancelation, it can be frustrating to the point I would not have given a second chance.

    My boyfriend didn’t blow me off on our first date, but he did turn up an hour late. And I am a big believer in punctuality and the ‘on time is early’ approach. In the past I wouldn’t have met him again, but I decided to give a second chance as the ‘stuck in traffic on the bridge coming into Manhattan’ and then the parking difficulties seemed plausible. It wasn’t something he normally did and he underestimated it, and was calling me with updates during the hour. I’m happy I gave that second chance because we are now talking about spending the rest of our lives together, and he has been on time ever since…

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  7. Vox Says:

    Well if it is a guy the OP has never met, then she can’t possibly be invested in him yet. A man who cancels at this point should just be viewed as another maybe (which is what he was in the first place). I would just tell him that a rain check would be fine, then I’d forget about him. If he asked me out again and I was free, I’d say yes; if I never heard from him again, I wouldn’t care.

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  8. Mark Says:

    A first date with a guy you never met and he blows you off on a first. Not much in the way of details as to why or even if he told her something came up. Then again, I really don’t think it matters all that much.

    Things happen to all of us from time to time. That’s a part of life. So it might be worth it to give him a second chance. However, this guy is skating on thin ice. After all, he didn’t even show up the first time and we don’t know if he told the woman why. So try to arrange a time and place where it’s hard not to show up.

    If he is seriously interested, then he will make the effort to meet with you. If he isn’t serious, then he won’t. If he does show up on the second time, then that’s great. If he can’t make it or blows you off a second time, drop him and move ahead.

    Hope it goes well.

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  9. Stacy Says:

    If he didn’t call to cancel and doesn’t have a beleivable excuse I would say no. People are on their best behavior in the beginning. If that’s his BEST behavior, you should just move on. It will only get worse.

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