The Good Boy Phone & The Naughty Boy Phone

Name: D | | Location: Denver , Colorado |Question: Here’s a kind of amusing/awkward thing that just happened to me last night. I was in the process of arranging dates with two different women. For one woman it’s the first date and the other just the second, so it’s not like any of us have much invested. I was flirting a little with both of them over text, nothing x-rated, and they were both responsive.

For the first-date woman, we scheduled drinks after work. For the second-date woman, I offered her a choice of doing a hike together or going to a trampoline park. She jumped (ha!) at the trampoline idea. I texted back “Be prepared to sweat!”

About 10 minutes later I got a text from the first-date girl. “What do you mean by that?” It was then that I realized I’d sent the “sweat” text to her.

I could’ve tried to explain the situation, but something tells me that it would’ve come across as kind of skeezy. So I just texted back “Dancing!” i.e. to suggest that maybe we’d go dancing after drinks. It apparently worked, as the conversation picked up fine from there.

Thing is, the place we’re going doesn’t have dancing. When I see her, should I come up with a plausible idea of somewhere to go dancing, just pretend I never mentioned dancing, or fess up? |Age: 43

*Post title comes from the brilliant comic Jim Norton of the Opie & Anthony radio show

Don’t fess up. That’s would be a huge mistake. You could have a back up plan in place to take her dancing should she ask. Hopefully, she’ll be content with just hanging out over drinks. If she asks, you can say you had believed the spot you chose had a cool DJ. Your bad. Whatever.

There’s nothing wrong with juggling. However, common sense would tell you not to text multiple women at the same time.  That’s just opening yourself up to possible drama.

What you should know, however, is that people – men and women – are becoming hip to certain tricks and tactics purported via cell phone. Such as:

1. The Mass Text - Have you ever received a text from someone, sort of out of the blue, that read something like, “Hey…how are you?” or “Hey, long time not talk. What’s up?”  Too often, those texts are sent out to multiple people at the same time. The sender is basically looking for someone to hang out or hook up with. Whomever is available will get his attention. If you reply back and eventually share that you have plans that night or at that moment, don’t be surprised if the sender stops replying. If they do, that’s the biggest sign of all it was a mass text. That and the fact that they don’t address you by name or saying anything remotely personal in the first message.

2. The SIM Card Switch - Oh yeah. Buckle up for this one. Some people, usually those actively cheating, will buy a second phone just for the SIM card. On one phone  – the good boy phone – is their texts and contacts for their family and friends. On the other – the naughty boy phone – are sexts, messages, and numbers of the people with whom they are cheating. They switch out the SIM cards so that no second phone is found, and to prevent any of their secrets being revealed should their partner snoop.  I’m telling you, people, We’re wising up to snoopers! People are changing passwords regularly and know to delete texts and emails.

3. Cell Phone Look Up - Don’t kid yourself in to thinking you can call a number you found in your mate’s phone and not be found out. There are services out there where you can put in a cell phone number, pay a tiny fee, and get the name of the person who owns that number.  Not only that, but thanks to Google, all someone has to do is enter in the phone number of the caller and get the name of a company, should you try to be stealth and call from work. Online daters have become hip to this as well.People are now setting up anonymous emails that can not be traced back to their name and not giving out their cell phone number until after they meet someone.  Or they’re setting up a completely different number that can’t be traced back to them in order to communicate via text, like Google Talk. Of course, both of these have to be changed every couple of months in case people start Googling your name along with your number, once they learn it.And, as I recently learned, if your phone number is listed on your Facebook page, and someone import their Facebook contacts to their phone, your name will come up on the caller ID along with Twitter handles, email addresses, etc.

I don’t consider it a red flag if, before you meet, someone doesn’t give you a personal email address or phone number. People are becoming more and more cautious about revealing real identities due to the popularity of social networks. But if they continue to contact you via the dating site after you’ve met and ignore your requests to take things off that site, be wary. I can remember going out with a guy who shared that he only accessed his account via his phone. He also never would email me from a regular email address. We initially communicated via text, but after about 2 weeks he said it was best to contact him via the site. Red effing flag. Sure enough, I learned on the third date that he had been dating someone for a few months “but they weren’t exclusive.” My guess is she was out of town or not around during those two weeks we’d been texting. He didn’t want me to text because he didn’t want the text alarm to sound when he was with her, arousing her suspicion. He kept no trace of his online dating activity on his home computer so as to avoid being discovered should she ever look at his cache history or snoop.

D, keep your texting to one person at a time. And be sure to delete all your texts :)

 

 

 

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25 Responses to “The Good Boy Phone & The Naughty Boy Phone”

  1. Maargen Says:

    I’m telling you, people, We’re wising up to snoopers! People are changing passwords regularly and know to delete texts and emails.

    Hmm. I would have worded this as “liars and cheaters are getting better at deceiving their partners”, but it seems that lying and cheating isn’t as bad as trying to find out if your partner is lying or cheating. Now that’s bad!

    Of course you can’t tell the truth. You want to give her the impression that she’s the only one you’re interested in – even if this isn’t the case. If she knows you’re seeing other people or texting other people, she might make a decision about seeing you again that’s based on reality. What you need to do is manipulate her perception of reality as long as possible, so you have a better chance of getting what you want out of the situation. This is what dating is about.

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  2. Divorced Joe Says:

    Why not fess up the mistake. If she laughs, you have a winner!

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  3. Mandy Says:

    I think it’s too late now to fess up to the mistake. Then not only did you make the mistake, but you lied about it–and that’s way worse. Now, you’re stuck either taking her dancing or putting on a convincing show that you thought the place you’re going to had a dance floor.

    I think you would have been better off telling her you sent her the wrong text. That the text was meant for a buddy you had plans to go to the gym with, or hiking with, or something like that. And then make a joke about how you’re absent minded or bad at technology or something, so it all seems like no big deal. I guess I’m saying I think the best option here is a lie of omission–you tell her you sent her a text meant for someone else, you just don’t tell her that someone else was a woman!

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    • DrivingMeNutes Says:

      Come on, Mandy. She already suspects he’s gay because he wants to go dancing. Imagine he tells her that the text was meant for his “buddy.” Talk about “out of the frying pan….”

      I feel bad for the woman because she’s probably getting all excited that she finally met a guy that likes to dance. So cruel.

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  4. Selena Says:

    CYA – have a place in mind to go dancing after drinks. Maybe the two of you will want to, maybe you won’t – but since she’s now expecting it as part of the date…”be prepared to sweat!” :)

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    • Selena Says:

      Thumbs down if you want, but unintentionally or not, he DID invite her to go dancing. Suck it up.

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      • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

        Maybe don’t take an anonymous rating system on your anonymous comment so personally instead of telling everybody to “suck it up.”

        It’s a blog comment. You’re not trying to get a bill passed through Congress.

        I really don’t like these comments calling people out for voting them a thumbs down. It’s just unnecessarily antagonistic.

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        • Selena Says:

          Actually Moxie I meant the post to be funny. And I thought the thumbs down were funny too – considering. Guess humor doesn’t translate well here. The “suck it up” was about dancing guy. Less awkward to plan to dance than cover a lie with more lies.

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  5. Paula Says:

    What’s really happening is that people are communicating using many more channels than they used to — witness all the debates and discussions we have on here about using the phone vs. texting vs. IM/online chatting vs. e-mailing vs. talking in person, and there are electronics records generated by each channel. It becomes a lot easier to slip up, like the OP…you couldn’t carry on two phone conversations simultaneously, but it’s happens much more frequently that you send a text or email or IM the wrong person.

    Where the OP slipped up was trying to cover his tracks…after one date, I’m sure she realizes that he could be seeing other people, and may even be doing the same. And at least he wasn’t sexting the other woman when it went astray. If he hadn’t done the coverup, and just said something like “sorry, wrong person,” it could have lent enough of an air of mystery to maybe make her a bit jealous (not that he should have done that deliberately, but it could have been a happy accident).

    Now what’s done is done, and he needs to bring his dancing shoes along for the next date.

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    • Maargen Says:

      Sarcasm aside: there’s nothing wrong with seeing other people before being serious with someone. Why did the guy feel the need to hide the fact that he’s doing this? Rather than telling the truth, he’s trying to give the impression that there’s no one else he’s interested in. Then, if he decides to continue with the other person instead of her, she’ll come on a site like this and ask “what happened?/ Everything was going so well!”

      Telling the truth would have called for a simple simple “oops – that text was meant for someone else” (if she asks “who?” then dump her: she’s too nosy and doesn’t know when to mind her own business). Sending a text to the wrong recipient is common enough – no need to explain further.

      Instead, he creates the drama of lying, then having to cover up the fact that he lied. When lying becomes such a knee-jerk reaction that we do it as a matter of course, can we wonder why dating these days is so confusing??

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      • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:


        Telling the truth would have called for a simple simple “oops – that text was meant for someone else” (if she asks “who?” then dump her: she’s too nosy and doesn’t know when to mind her own business)

        He would be making it her business by telling her he meant the text for someone else. Revealing that would just be opening the door to a conversation he wasn’t prepared to have.

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        • Paula Says:

          So again, it’s better to lie? Nope, don’t buy it.

          Many in my profession have a disclaimer on their emails that say you don’t waive confidentiality by accidentally sending something meant for someone else to someone that wasn’t meant to receive it. If you were not an intended recipient, you’re asked to delete the info and essentially move on with your life. Whether “be prepared to sweat” was referring to another person he’s dating, a lover, a dancing partner, or a workout partner, if it wasn’t the person he texted it to, it didn’t become her business by him notifying her it wasn’t intended for her — that’s the best way to tell her it wasn’t her business.

          And when someone sends me a text or email I wasn’t supposed to get, I’m not going to prompt a conversation by continuing to press the issue after they tell me it wasn’t meant for me. Maargen’s right — that’s just too damn nosy.

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          • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

            I would ask, “Did you mean this for me?” That’s what I say when I get emails from people where I have no idea what they;re talking about. But in this case, the damage was done. Cop to it being meant for someone else and he’s going to be labeled suspect. Even if she does go out with him, she’s already suspicious, making it even more unlikely things would progress.

            Like DMN says, dating is about diplomacy. He’d have been shooting himself in the foot by being honest. The woman doesn’t need to know, or even have semi-tangible proof, that the guy is dating multiple women. Game over at that point. They had only had one date.

            And forget about the romantic ramifications of admitting to what was going on. Maintaining two different conversations at the same time is just plain rude. Jesus. You couldn’t space the conversations out a few minutes?

            If you were not an intended recipient, you’re asked to delete the info and essentially move on with your life.

            Yes, and when juries are instructed to forget whatever piece of damaging evidence a lawyer “happens” to work in to a cross-examination, they *totally* do.

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            • Paula Says:

              But “be prepared to sweat” is not obviously to a woman you’re dating. If it was sexting, he might need more damage control. It could have been a whole lot worse, though…damnyouautocorrect.com has some great examples of texts which went to the wrong person…

              Some of us can be diplomatic without lying — the two aren’t mutually exclusive.

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            • Maargen Says:

              The woman doesn’t need to know, or even have semi-tangible proof, that the guy is dating multiple women. Game over at that point. They had only had one date.

              For crying out loud – being exclusive after one date is expected?? Since when?? That is completely unrealistic and unreasonable.

              And forget about the romantic ramifications of admitting to what was going on. Maintaining two different conversations at the same time is just plain rude. Jesus. You couldn’t space the conversations out a few minutes?

              Well, you’re all so crazy about texting being, as someone said recently “the best form of communication ever invented” or something to that effect: not being the only one in the conversation and not knowing who a message is directed to is par for the course. Getting overlapping texts from different people happens too. Nothing wrong with it, and I really don’t see what makes it rude. What’s the rule, anyway? Continue the conversation with the person who started first? Then you end up ignoring the second person – isn’t that rude too? You certainly can’t control whether someone send you a text while you’re already texting someone else. I can’t see how the concept of “rude” applies here at all – or how it can be prevented.

              Cop to it being meant for someone else and he’s going to be labeled suspect. Even if she does go out with him, she’s already suspicious, making it even more unlikely things would progress.

              Let me get this straight: are you saying that people are supposed to be exclusive after one date??

              Or are you saying that people should pretend to be exclusive after one date?

              Here you are giving advice about dating, and one of your Rules of Dating is: Be Hypocritical from the Very Beginning?

              If you stand to get more out of a person by a certain behavior (exclusivity), don’t actually practice that behaviour, but pretend to, so you can get as much as possible out of that person based on false appearance??

              Is your dating advice to lie to people so that they make decisions on progessing with us not based on who we are and what we do, but on how well we can lie to them about who we are and what we do? And decisions based on these lies will lead to good relationships??

              Do I understand your advice correctly Moxie??

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              • Maargen Says:

                Damnit – I think I screwed up the italics again! My heartfelt apologies. (I’ve been on blog forums for years, btw, and have never, ever seen this happen before!)

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              • Selena Says:

                Re-read his letter. It was going to be the first date with the woman he mis-texted “be prepared to sweat”. They hadn’t met yet.

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              • Angeline Says:

                For the love of God, if you’re gonna use the HTML tags, close them.
                And I see your point that it is ridiculous to expect or pretend that you’re exclusive after one (or 2, or 3), but it is also just plain polite to not throw the fact that you *aren’t* exclusive in someone’s face either, especially if you’re hoping for something more to develop later on. It’s unnecessarily honest, like telling someone their haircut isn’t the most flattering, when you haven’t been asked. It also would come across to me as someone trying to run a PUA con. See ya. I’d be outta there.

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                • Maargen Says:

                  How is saying “oops…wrong text” throwing anything in anyone’s face??

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                  • Angeline Says:

                    That might have worked just fine in this case. I though we were also talking about the more general scenario of being given concrete evidence you’re one of a full dance card rather than the leaden-footed over-explaining. I think there is way more room for misinterpretation in making SURE everyone you (general sense ‘you’, I don’t at all mean to aim this at you, maargen) go out with is Perfectly Clear that you’re dating multiple people. Unless I had asked, I think it would come across as vain, or an attempt to elevate his/her value, or an attempt to rush the other person into a decision. Unless the cover was blown, in which case he’s screwed anyway, talking about dating other people at this stage is just as premature as expecting exclusivity.
                    And apologies for the rantiness over the tags. I didn’t see your abject apology until after I’d posted.

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  6. Karen Says:

    FYI.. there is also a website spokeo.com – all you have to do is put in an email, phone # etc, name and you can get addresses, who the ph# is to etc…

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  7. DrivingMeNutes Says:

    I have an idea. When she asks on your date, “why aren’t we going dancing?” You say, “What? Dancing? Ohhhhh, the text. Yeah, that dancing text was meant for someone else.”

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  8. Vox Says:

    I don’t have a problem with lying in this instance. However, the OP is rather dim because he told the wrong lie, especially if he doesn’t like to dance. “Sorry, that was meant for my cycling buddy.” “Not for you, just bet on a one on one basketball game with my cousin” There are tons of better lies to tell, especially for a resident of the incredibly active state of CO. Now the OP is Spontaneous Dancing Guy. Do you like to dance? I sure hope so, because if you hit it off with this woman, she’s going to be waiting for spontaneous dancing plans. And you better dance long and hard enough to sweat too! You won’t get to shuffle around the dance floor for a song then retreat to a table for a drink. You’re gonna have to bust a move! heh… Texts don’t have to be answered immediately – next time you screw up, chew on your mistake for a little while so you can plan a better answer.

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    • D Says:

      Actually, I do like to dance and have even performed professionally. So no big deal in this case, but point taken.

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  9. Beth B Says:

    I know that this is simple, but how about not dating someone you cannot trust? I mean it. If you are so tempted to snoop, that’s just soul-destroying, and you must either stop the relationship or stop snooping, else drive yourself insane. If you’re the cheater, or multiple dater in this case who’s already lied to his future 1st date, I only have one thing to say: What goes around, comes around. In this case, pretty lamely. I think though there is OF COURSE nothing inherently “wrong” about multiple-dating, but the seed of deceit here has been planted and once planted, you’re forever on the defensive. No win-win here. I love Moxie’s advice: just don’t text mulitple people at. the. same. time. And, I must observe, “D,” that your guilt made you respond as if the “sweating” text was for 1st date-her, so you’ve got no future as a Playah.

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