Many of them just weren’t good daters or weren’t ready to date.
I think everyone has their own set of signs and signals that they use to determine whether someone is good at relationship or in the right place to have one. Here are mine:
1. They sabotage themselves by telling you things they know could be deemed unattractive - I had a date several months back with a man. He suggested coffee. I suggested a drink. He came out and told me that he was opting for coffee “for money reasons.” I don’t think someone needs to spend a lot of money on a date in order to date. But dating someone, even if you’re going Dutch the whole time, still involves spending some money. Either the person doesn’t have it, or they don’t want to spend it. Another speedbump is talking about a recent break up or divorce beyond a sentence or two. It’s one thing to answer a question when asked. There’s nothing odd about that. But if they offer such information then, in my mind, it’s concerning. If you find yourself wondering why someone told you something, file that away and approach with caution. In many cases, they were either testing you (which I hate) OR they were letting you know – consciously or not – that they’re not in a good place emotionally. Sometimes we sabotage ourselves without even knowing it, which in and of itself is a bad sign. It shows a lack of self-awareness.
2. They speak of their other dates - If a man announces, on a first date, that he had a date over the weekend or has another date lined up, it’s a red flag. No, I don’t think someone should assume exclusivity after one date. Come on. But there are certain things you just don’t talk about because it’s bad manners. It’s also rather socially clueless. I don’t want to know that a man has other dates. I just don’t. I assume it until he gives me reason to believe otherwise. To make me acutely aware of that fact either shows a complete social ineptitude or hints at a manipulative nature. Few people want to know, for a fact, that they are just one of a few people vying for the other person’s attention. It completely distorts future interactions. If someone asks you, on the first date or two, if you’re dating others… at the very least play it down or try to avoid answering the question directly. If you have to..lie. Yeah, I said it. Same goes if you mess up and call someone by the wrong name or send them a text meant for someone else. In the early stages, as DMN has said, dating is about diplomacy.
3. Chronic lateness and rescheduling- I’ve mentioned before that I believe constant tardiness is a sign of passive aggression. By frequently showing up late to things, the person is expecting their date to wait for them and showing little concern for that person’s time or schedule. Self-indulgence at its finest.
4. They actively use social media on your date – A lot of people will arrive at a specified location early and hop on Facebook or Twitter and try to pass the time. But if they’re actively live tweeting/updating dates or if they ask if they can blog about something that happened on the date, be warned. Over sharer and potential drama hound. They’re more interested in the reactions of their followers and looking “cool” for being on a date than the impression they are making on you. Should you do a little research post-date and find their Twitter account and see lots of rants or discussions about their personal dating life, be careful. I can not impress upon people enough that if you regularly publicly share the fact that you’re actively dating multiple people or hooking up, or if you’re frequently ranting about the opposite sex, you are immediately deemed a liability. You just are. Stop telling yourself that the “right” person will find that particular quirk cute or endearing. Don’t be surprised when the person you just blogged about, wherein you mentioned something rather personal or sensitive about them, blows you off. Nobody is taking that on.
5. Sex Talk - Sometimes people say or do things with the intention of gauging the response of their date. (This is tied to point number #1.) For instance…. they bring up sex early on, say in initial email or texts chats or on the first date. I know people will say that they either just came from a sexless marriage or relationship and want to be sure they don’t get stuck in another. The problem I have with this is that talk is cheap, baby. People are deluding themselves if they believe they can discern someone’s sexual appetite and abilities from a clinical or even raunchy talk about sex. My personal feeling is that if you’re going to talk sex that early on, you shouldn’t play the ” I need to be sure we’re on the same page” card. I’ll say this, and I’m speaking from experience because I know I’ve done it….early talk of sex is rarely a good sign unless you’re looking for something casual. Either the person is strictly looking for sex or they use sex to keep people interested or at an emotional distance. Not a sign of a healthy person.
Got any more?