The Bad Kind of Booty Call

Name: Katie
State: MN
Age: 41
Comment: Met a guy 6 mos ago. Went on 2 dates with him before we decided to have sex. Then went another 2 months before we had another date, which again lead to sex. On our second date he told me that he had 4 jobs and that he was busy all the time and rarely had time to spend with anyone, I confirmed with mutual friends that this was true. After 4 dates I asked if we should “do”, for I wanted to date him and have fun which he replied that he didn’t want a relationship so we eventually agreed to casual sex, which now seems impossible since he never has time.

When I text him he always responds, tells me how much he misses me, how wonderful I am etc.. but what disturbs me is the fact I recently found out from one of his friends that he called some girl a “psycho” for dropping off a bday gift for him when he wasn’t home.  I had done that, so I assume the comment was in reference to me.  I did ask him and he came back with a “no, I would never, you are too wonderful”.. He did thank me profusely when he had gotten the gift so I’m wondering what the hell is going on here? Does he like me or not? What should or should I not be doing here?

 

 

I wanted to date him and have fun which he replied that he didn’t want a relationship so we eventually agreed to casual sex, which now seems impossible since he never has time.

Now, by “we” you mean “him” right? Because I don’t think you so much agreed to casual sex as you accepted what he offered. He told people he thought you were a psycho. And then he lied and said he was talking about someone else when you confronted him about it. Which, by the way, was pointless because he’s not going to admit that.

When I text him he always responds, tells me how much he misses me, how wonderful I am etc.

Question: Does he ever text you? I’m guessing the answer is no. So let’s add that to the pile of evidence before us, shall we?

I’m wondering what the hell is going on here?

This guy is having sex with you and then making fun of you behind your back. Classy.

Does he like me or not?

No.

What should or should I not be doing here?

Him.

 

Sorry to be blunt here, but the writing is on the wall. You’re clinging to something that isn’t real and believing what you want to believe. You’re also trying way too hard to win this guy over. You’re never going to be able to do that. He doesn’t care. You’re purpose is to service him when he has no other options. He’ll continue to string you along until either he gets sick of you or meets someone else. End of story.

 

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17 Responses to “The Bad Kind of Booty Call”

  1. Selena Says:

    Since he doesn’t have time for even casual sex…why are you wasting yours waiting around for him?

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 15 Thumb down 1

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  2. Paula Says:

    It doesn’t sound like casual sex is what you want with this guy, but something to which you agreed. You don’t give birthday presents to guys with whom you’re having casual sex.

    Having sex doesn’t take that much time to fit in (pun intended). So if he’s not making time for it, you can assume it’s a fairly low priority for him. So you either need to make it a fairly low priority for you: stop texting, stop giving him gifts, stop wondering what you should be doing, and just make the decision about whether you want to sleep with him when and if he comes to you.

    Or, if it’s causing this much grief and angst, eliminate him from your life altogether.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 9 Thumb down 1

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  3. Amy Says:

    It is sad to me when women settle for so little. I mean there is basically nothing here except sex and a few compliments.

    While I’m an old-school feminist, situations like this do make me pause and wonder exactly what happened. Instead of being empowered, so many young women (and not so young as well) seem needy and desperate.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 17 Thumb down 2

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  4. Hi Yah! Says:

    Moxie’s right. He’s playing you and then making fun of you behind your back. Wow, high school much??? Get rid of him. Don’t even give him an explanation, just do it and don’t answer any attempts at communication…if he even tries, doubtful, especially because he told one of his friend that you were a PSYCHO. Unless you were indulging in psycho behavior towards him that you’re not ‘fessing up to here, then his comment about you was unwarranted. You left him a birthday gift, not a dead animal on his doorstep (unless the gift was a dead animal…I kid, I kid!)!

    Bottom line, don’t waste your time.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 0

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  5. dimplz Says:

    I think the main rule with casual sex, because let’s face it, there are rules, which makes casual sex a paradox but anyway, the main rule is: Know your place. This is why a lot of people aren’t comfortable with casual sex arrangements. It hurts their ego to know that they are not really needed for anything but sex. Now before everyone comes jumping in about how it’s different for them and their partner, don’t bother. The fact is, right now, you’re not wanted for anything more than sex. The fact that you may be friends and really respect each other (or not) doesn’t matter. You’re with the other because you want sex. So, know your place.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 25 Thumb down 0

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    • Paula Says:

      Exactly. If you’re not comfortable with the level of respect you’re being given, your options are either to end it or accept it. Getting him to change it? Not an option. It’s even pretty rare that he will recognize the value of what he has and start treating you better, because there are plenty of other fish in the sea.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 0

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    • D Says:

      I like to at least think I’m needed for *good* sex. Don’t go bursting my bubble! :)

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

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      • Paula Says:

        I’m not sure if this is consoling, D, but the better the sex is, the more that some women are willing to tolerate and justify. Which means that you *can* get away with a lot more (or really with giving a lot less). That’s not to say that you should, but good sex buys you a lot of leeway and makes it less likely she’s going to wake up and say “what am I doing with this guy who isn’t giving me what I need?” If it’s terrible, then it’s like “why bother?”

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0

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  6. Cricri Says:

    I really hope someone with a serious letter will email moxie fast! Those letters are all so saddening.
    It seems our need to connect and bond pushes us to act against our best interests.
    The guy here is unavailable and narcissictic, which are big red flags. The OP should know herself by now and realize she doesn’t know how to handle Casual relationships, sending gifts to CS partners is ridiculous, I mean, it’s not even a FWB situation. But at least she got that answer.
    I can understand the disappointment when a man doesn’t even want the little commitment-free stuff you’re willing to offer but at some point you have to have pride and learn to move on.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 16 Thumb down 0

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  7. DrivingMeNutes Says:

    I agree with Moxie that the guy is making fun behind her back. However, I don’t read too much into the “psycho” comment – it was probably meant as a joke, reflecting his view that the OP has a different view of the relationship than he does. “Psycho” is just a hyperbolic word for that observation, which is accurate.

    There’s is nothing about casual sex relationships that precludes respect, friendship, caring and even love. So, giving a birthday gift to someone with whom you are in a casual sex relationship is far from inappropriate. Its the lack of mutual respect and the OP’s inability to see it that is a problem.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 0

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    • Paula Says:

      I’m not completely clear on the timeline and frequency here, as in how many times she’s seen him since date 4, but if she met him six months ago, and for at least two months of that time (and most certainly more, since it seems like she hasn’t seen him in a while) they’re not actively seeing each other, then it’s unlikely that “respect, friendship, caring and even love” has had any opportunity to develop, and it certainly isn’t happening mutually.

      Sure, if you start sleeping with a long-time friend (like the OP from several days ago who was involved off and on for 8 years), then a birthday gift wouldn’t be out of line. But from what she’s described here, she barely knows this guy except to sleep with him. And he’s almost certainly lying to her, unless he has a whole stable of gift-bearing mistresses, which is reason enough alone not to bestow him with any more gifts.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

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  8. Amy Says:

    I wanted to follow up on Dimplz’ comment about ‘know your place.’ If this guy has compartmentalized his life and you only occupy a very small segment, and don’t really know anything about the other parts of it (except his standard line about how busy he is), then maybe he felt shocked when you showed up at his house uninvited and unannounced to drop off a gift. Maybe he saw it as a huge overstep of the boundaries.
    I had some FWB relationships long ago and never were any types of gifts exchanged. And I would have never dreamed of showing up unexpectedly to drop one off.
    I think you and the guy are really seeing this arrangement very differently.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

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  9. nathan Says:

    Katie, you’re 41 years old, and yet you almost sound like a high school girl here. Instead of wondering if he “likes you” or not, ask yourself what it is you really want out of this, take a look at what you’re getting, and then decide what to do.

    The way I see it, if you want anything more than a really sporadic, causal thing, then move on cause nothing more is happening here.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 16 Thumb down 0

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  10. C Says:

    Im sorry, but no one is “too busy” to be with someone they want to be with. He has made zero effort to impress you beyond lying to your face so he can get in your pants again.

    You are not doing yourself any good by chasing his sorry tail around.

    Another word of advice: don’t buy your booty call a birthday present.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 10 Thumb down 0

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  11. Mike Felber Says:

    Most all of this advice is good. I would venture to tell him if he inquires, that you have every reason to believe he lied about his comment, & that you may have acted unconventionally in a casual arrangement, but to see that as a threat or disparage you to others is pretty ugly. And clearly you do not have the same minimal affection or respect that most should & do in even a casual relationship Folks should be called on their hurtful conduct: they might learn, you help others in the future, or even if they do not really learn to be decent, social pressure can keep them in line.

    You want more from hi, he will never give it, he is not kind: dump him! I doubt you will have trouble finding other lovers, just make sure that you are fine with whatever arrangement is made..

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

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  12. Rosa Says:

    Such a familiar scenario. So hard to see the writing on our own wall…

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

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  13. dan Says:

    If someone really wants to see you they will. If someone really wants to see you they won’t be busy.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

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