Comment: Do you think a guy who says he prefers to “text” you and comes up with excuses when you ask him to call to make plans for the weekend, and always worms his way out of actually talking to you on the phone in the evenings is hiding something, or someone else?
He’s from another state, moved here for a job, and we live about 45 minutes from each other…I’m wondering if there isn’t some secret person at home that he shares a phone service with, or something else?
I don’t think the lack of interest in talking on the phone is indicative of any sort of secret life. What would ring my alarm bells is if he hesitated or took too long to make plans to actually meet. If he’s guilty of anything I think it’s not being terribly interested. The more you ask him to call you to “make plans”, when you could suggest a time and a place to meet just as easily, is going to make him even more ambivalent.
He hasn’t even met you yet. He doesn’t really owe you much more than a response. Which he is giving you. If you want to meet, stop hanging on to out dated traditions and a need to have some stranger you met online prove to you that he values you and ask him out.
Most men hate talking on the phone. Hell, most people nowadays hate talking on the phone. The only people I talk on the phone with are my family and close friends. And even that’s rare. When it comes to my romantic relationships, I stick to text or email as well. Or, you know, face to face conversation. I don’t need him to call me in order to feel that he’s truly interested. A chat or a text or an email conveys the same message. The desire and demand for a phone call versus a text is usually a sign of insecurity. Doesn’t mean you should write that person off. Just be aware that this is someone who needs to “know where they stand” before they make any sudden gestures or moves. Which, for the record, I believe is irrational and an inordinate expectation. If you have trust issues, it’s because you’ve chosen poorly in the past. Don’t hold other people responsible for those choices. Women have to stop using these outliers as a way to gauge a man’s interest and motivation. Other counter-productive points of evidence that he’s not a schlub that should be eradicated are:
1. Refusing to be proactive and taking the initiative by contacting men on dating sites first – Just because he emailed you first doesn’t mean he’s genuinely interested. In fact, he’s probably shooting off variations of the same message to multiple women.
2. Insisting that he “have a plan” for a date – Yes, if he asks you out it would be ideal if he had a location in mind. Two swipes on your iPhone and you could find a central meeting place that serves cocktails.
3. Only accepting customized messages in response to your profile – Yeah, newflash. Most people – male and female – don’t read profiles completely. Are they cute? In my age range? My preferred height/body type? Done. They might read the first few lines. They might even read the whole thing. But these people aren’t copy writers. Don’t expect them to woo you with prose.
4. Expecting or insisting that the other person make the date as creative as possible – While I think it’s bad form to tell a date that the place you’re meeting is your “first date spot,” I don’t think someone should be expected to plan some elaborate meet up. Personally I don’t like going to the same bar over and over and running the risk of the staff addressing me by name.You want your date to feel special.
5. Gauging interest and value on how much they spend on a date or how they react to how much you spend- If you blow someone off because they only spent $20 on a date, you’re cutting yourself off at the knees. For those who do intentionally choose less expensive places and use that as a litmus test, understand that many people know when they’re being tested. Nobody likes to be tested.
Back to the OP…
A general rule of thumb for me is that, if you meet someone online, the first meet up should happen within 3-5 days. That is, unless they’ve specified a particular reason why they can’t meet like traveling for work, illness or school.
A date and time to meet should be brought up within the first few email exchanges. Anybody that is content with emailing for days in to weeks without setting up a “date” just isn’t available or all that interested. That’s the classic sign of an online dating time waster. Avoid. They may have been interested at first and lost interest or met someone else. Or they’re just dicking around on an online dating website for kicks. These people are not available. They’re looking for a distraction or attention. If they haven’t asked you out or tried to set up a time to meet fairly early in the conversation, they’re not available in some way or another. Walk away.