What Are The Signs That He’s Really Interested?

Name: Quinn
State: IA
Age: 47
Comment: Do you think a guy who says he prefers to “text” you and comes up with excuses when you ask him to call to make plans for the weekend, and always worms his way out of actually talking to you on the phone in the evenings is hiding something, or someone else?

He’s from another state, moved here for a job, and we live about 45 minutes from each other…I’m wondering if there isn’t some secret person at home that he shares a phone service with, or something else?



I don’t think the lack of interest in talking on the phone is indicative of any sort of secret life. What would ring my alarm bells is if he hesitated or took too long to make plans to actually meet. If he’s guilty of anything I think it’s not being terribly interested. The more you ask him to call you to “make plans”, when you could suggest a time and a place to meet just as easily, is going to make him even more ambivalent.

He hasn’t even met you yet. He doesn’t really owe you much more than a response. Which he is giving you. If you want to meet, stop hanging on to out dated traditions and a need to have some stranger you met online prove to you that he values you and ask him out.

Most men hate talking on the phone. Hell, most people nowadays hate talking on the phone. The only people I talk on the phone with are my family and close friends. And even that’s rare. When it comes to my romantic relationships, I stick to text or email as well. Or, you know, face to face conversation. I don’t need him to call me in order to feel that he’s truly interested. A chat or a text or an email conveys the same message. The desire and demand for a phone call versus a text is usually a sign of insecurity. Doesn’t mean you should write that person off. Just be aware that this is someone who needs to “know where they stand” before they make any sudden gestures or moves. Which, for the record, I believe is irrational and an inordinate expectation.  If you have trust issues, it’s because you’ve chosen poorly in the past. Don’t hold other people responsible for those choices. Women have to stop using these outliers as a way to gauge a man’s interest and motivation. Other counter-productive points of evidence that he’s not a schlub that should be eradicated are:

1. Refusing to be proactive and taking the initiative by contacting men on dating sites first – Just because he emailed you first doesn’t mean he’s genuinely interested. In fact, he’s probably shooting off variations of the same message to multiple women.

2. Insisting that he “have  a plan” for a date – Yes, if he asks you out it would be ideal if he had a location in mind. Two swipes on your iPhone and you could find a central meeting place that serves cocktails.

3. Only accepting customized messages in response to your profile – Yeah, newflash. Most people – male and female – don’t read profiles completely. Are they cute? In my age range? My preferred height/body type? Done. They might read the first few lines. They might even read the whole thing. But these people aren’t copy writers. Don’t expect them to woo you with prose.

4. Expecting or insisting that the other person make the date as creative as possible – While I think it’s bad form to  tell a date that the place you’re meeting is your “first date spot,” I don’t think someone should be expected to plan some elaborate meet up. Personally I don’t like going to the same bar over and over and  running the risk of the staff addressing me by name.You want your date to feel special.

5. Gauging interest and value on how much they spend on a date or how they react to how much you spend- If you blow someone off because they only spent $20 on a date, you’re cutting yourself off at the knees. For those who do intentionally choose less expensive places and use that as a litmus test, understand that many people know when they’re being tested. Nobody likes to be tested.

Back to the OP…

A general rule of thumb for me is that, if you meet someone online, the first meet up should happen within 3-5 days. That is, unless they’ve specified a particular reason why they can’t meet like traveling for work, illness or school.

A date and time to meet should be brought up within the first few email exchanges. Anybody that is content with emailing for days in to weeks without setting up a “date” just isn’t available or all that interested. That’s the classic sign of an online dating time waster. Avoid. They may have been interested at first and lost interest or met someone else. Or they’re just dicking around on an online dating website for kicks.  These people are not available. They’re looking for a distraction or attention. If they haven’t asked you out or tried to set up a time to meet fairly early in the conversation, they’re not available in some way or another. Walk away.

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62 Responses to “What Are The Signs That He’s Really Interested?”

  1. D Says:

    Only accepting customized messages in response to your profile

    When messaging a woman, I try always to at least mention something from their profile. It’s easier if they have something unique. But the truth is that most profiles are exactly the same.

  2. Andrew Says:

    I have to disagree with you on this one. While I’ll admit that like most guys, I hate the phone, it’s common courtesy to pick up the phone and call for a date early on. That’s just my take. As for online dating, the worst experiences I’ve had have been the ones where I never spoke on the phone with the person prior to the date (we only emailed or texted). There’s something to be said for hearing a persons voice prior to meeting them.

    • greg Says:

      I 100% agree with Andrew, the couple of times I didn’t speak to a girl on the phone prior have usually gone nowhere fast. I had one girl recently who emailed a lot and always said interesting things on email. When it came to asking her out I called her up and she was totally boring and said absolutely nothing. If she’s like that on the phone the chance the date would be the same way is more likely. Also just because they write a good email doesn’t mean they aren’t an airhead or rude or obnoxious. Once you have an actual conversation live with them it’s much harder to hide the real you. Speaking to someone on the phone can change your mind about wasting a date with them, while you can spend your time with someone worthwhile.

      • nathan Says:

        I almost never call before a first date. I’m not a big phone talker in general, though, and actually prefer the e-mail exchange and then meet in person approach. And the times I have talked to a woman before meeting her haven’t really helped me assess the potential the way it has for some others. Being a writer, perhaps I’m better at reading incoming e-mails, asking good questions and responding specifically to a person’s profile than others on here are. Seems to me that it depends upon what is more effective for you as a communication tool.

        • Rosa Says:

          Writing may be your more effective communication tool, but the long and the short of it is that relationships are experienced in person and not in writing.
          I will never (again) go out with someone I haven’t spoken to first. Based on far too much experience.

      • 2 cents Says:

        Some people just give bad phone because we’re all used to texting now. I wouldn’t judge based on a boring phone call; wait until you meet in person.

    • D Says:

      I only call if she suggests it. It works both ways. I’ve had women text me before the first date as well.

      • nathan Says:

        One thing I would add though is that I have sometimes called, or been called, to confirm times and other details the night before or day of the date.

  3. Sweet Vibrations Says:

    A general rule of thumb for me is that, if you meet someone online, the first meet up should happen within 3-5 days

    My comment to this is that I am a single mom that has been navigating the online dating websites to meet potential quality men. I have a toddler at home full time and when my parents are gone I have no one to watch him, I go to school and study on those days he is in school. I only have a small window of opportunity to meet people. It isn’t that I am putting them off or not serious, I really don’t have that ability to date unless I have my parents here (half the year) to take him while I have a “date night”. So , there are other reasons why it might take longer than a few days to meet in person. I do not believe in toting my child along on first meet ups. Well, that is my situation anyway.
    Also men (if really interested) will chat on the phone with me for endless hours and I mean most of the ones I meet will, I don’t know what this non phone chat thing is about other than that they are too distracted or don’t care enough to get to know you by phone because they are too impatient and in a hurry, This would be cause for concern for me!

    • D Says:

      Just because they will chat doesn’t mean they want to.

      That said, if I had a really tight schedule, I’d say that up front and suggest a phone conversation.

  4. nathan Says:

    Sweet, I agree with the first half of your statement. It’s rare that even I, with a fairly open schedule, meet up with someone between 3-5 days after first contact.

    As for the phone, if I’m interested in someone, I’m not against having a few phone conversations early on. But the hours and hours on end thing isn’t something I tend to do. And I’m sure other men are similar, and some other women for that matter. Furthermore, if we are talking long conversations before meeting up the first time, I think that’s a mixed bag at best. Sure, talking with a guy might demonstrate that he’s interested. But all bets are off once you actually meet in person.

    It’s one thing if a guy is pushing for a date right away, and can’t wait a week or even two for you to set up childcare details. However, once it gets beyond a few weeks wait, the odds are that the interest level is low. Or that said person is simply doing online dating for kicks, and isn’t serious about meeting people or starting a relationship with anyone.

    It seems to me that besides demonstrating that you want to meet someone in person, expecting that a total stranger invest a bunch of time before meeting talking on the phone, or texting, or e-mailing is unrealistic. Because until you actually meet each other, there’s a certain level of abstractness in the connection. You might be attracted to the person on the phone, but not at all to the actual person.

  5. Emma Says:

    I so agree re. phone conversations. I have a busy life and talking on the phone for hours feels like a waste of time. I like to email a few times to establish enough of a connection and mutual interests to move on to the next step of a real in-person date. If there is in-person chemistry, I am not opposed to phone calls being in the mix of getting to know someone further of course.

    However, I find the 3-5 day idea ludicrous. Unless you’re dealing with something like 2 unemplyed individuals with lots of spare time on their hands, I think its quite reasonable to intiate contact within 2-3 weeks.

    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      If someone needs 2 to 3 weeks to fit spare couple of hours for a date into their schedule, then I doubt they have muchtime to actually get to know someone.

      • K Says:

        Not sure about that. Most guys will ask you by the 3rd email you exchange, if you’d like to grab a drink. But it can take a week to get to that point because we don’t respond immediately to each other’s emails. Then it may turn out I have, say, a drinks date and a business trip in the following week, and he has a class and maybe a date or two himself, and that week isn’t going to work, so we schedule for the next week. So then it’s easily 2-3 weeks from first contact until first meeting. Which feels fine to me. And then they typically follow up within a day or two after that meeting and ask to get together again. And then you’re into the next week before you meet up again.

        I just think it’s accepted etiquette that you don’t respond immediately to emails because you don’t want to overwhelm somebody or appear too eager, and people understand that it may be a week or so before you can find a date that works for both people to grab a drink. I don’t think it means you’re too busy for a relationship… after all, once you’re exclusive with someone, you’re not going to be dating other people so right there a bunch of your time is freed up.

        • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

          But it can take a week to get to that point because we don’t respond immediately to each other’s emails.

          At this point,what with how many people have email and various apps on their phone, there’s no excuse not to respond to someone within a few hours. If 24 hours lapse between emails, then either that person is ridiculously busy – in which case abort. Or they’re afraid to look too eager or following some silly rule that was really designed to prevent people from succeeding. In which case, they’re ambivalent about dating period.

          I just think it’s accepted etiquette that you don’t respond immediately to emails because you don’t want to overwhelm somebody or appear too eager,

          If you’re waiting to reply to someone because you don’t want to look too eager, then that’s just self-sabotage. And if you’re doing that as well as having a hard time trying to fit someone in to your schedule, you should probably re-evaluate whether or not you actually want to date anybody.

          I’ve rarely met a guy who needed longer than a week to meet up. The ones that did always ended up being the ones that either just wanted to get laid or thought they wanted a relationship and realized, after a month or so of crazy scheduling, that they just didn’t have the time for one.

          • nathan Says:

            I think my experience has been more in line with what K is talking about. It’s usually about a week of back and forth with e-mail and then we decide on when to meet. And that’s often sometime during the next week at the earliest.

            A few weeks total time between first contact and meeting isn’t a big deal.

            It’s when you have long delays between e-mail responses, and/or stretched out scheduling hassles, that it’s probably worth letting go of.

            • K Says:

              Yeah. Moxie, I don’t think the statements you’re making are universally applicable.

              I don’t think I’m missing out on anything by waiting a few hours or a day to reply to an email – I’ve never lost contact with anyone that way. Nobody replies instantly to me either, which has never seemed odd. I’m also not dating artists, musicians, or guys with really flexible schedules. They tend to work full time and live in different towns from me, within the general metro area. I assume they’re going on a date or two a week, just like I am, and likely aren’t trying to fit in more than one a night. I respectfully disagree that this kind of contact signals ambivalence or “too busy for a relationship.” It just seems to be the norm. NY could be different though.

              But yeah, if you start to notice longer than usual delays between contacts, or it’s just impossible to schedule a date more than every few weeks with a person, that’s a bad sign.

          • greg Says:

            I dont get it why people are on a dating site if they are “too busy” in the first place. I think they lead people on and it’s truly not nice to do that. They have time for emails but time for nothing else, that’s silly…If you’re gonna put your job and your friends ahead of possibly going on 2 or 3 dates to see if you like someone then you don’t belong dating at all.

            • Paula Says:

              In this economy and job market, you have to put your job first.

              Plus, it takes a while to get to the point where you’re ready to be exclusive with someone, or see them more than once a week or so, especially if they’re dating too. So perhaps you’re dating two or three people to see what ends up working out — not unheard of with the volume that dating sites can generate…so for me, sometimes that means 2-3 weeks before I have a free night to meet someone new, between the guys I’m already dating and everything else I have going on in my life.

              I can free up time to be with someone who’s worth being with, but I’m not going to disrupt my life for someone I’ve never met and may never see again. If he can’t wait a little while to make it work with our schedules (and I would do the same for him), then it’s unlikely that it will work if we decided to be together.

              All that said, the people who use “too busy” as their Fade should just cut it out. It’s a cowardly lie and almost never the reason someone doesn’t want to date.

              • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

                so for me, sometimes that means 2-3 weeks before I have a free night to meet someone new, between the guys I’m already dating and everything else I have going on in my life.

                Sorry. Calling bullshit. You spend an inordinate amount of time on this blog, Paula. You clearly have time on your hands. I don’t buy this whole “I have a busy schedule” thing. Especially when you not only hide behind your schedule, but you refuse to give out your phone number or email until you meet someone. All of those things to me, are red flags that somebody isn’t available. On top of that, you seem to meet men who have equally “busy schedules.” That can’t be a coincidence.

                • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

                  It’s a cowardly lie and almost never the reason someone doesn’t want to date.

                  Yes, it is. It’s also a lie that people like to tell themselves to explain why they they don’t date or only become interested in men who aren’t available.

                • K Says:

                  Um. That wasn’t very nice. What’s with the personal attack?

                  Also, if someone is going on a date or 2 a week, that would seem to indicate they’re *not* too busy to date.

                  • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

                    No it wasn’t. It was a general statement. Just because something said can apply to someone specific doesn’t mean it was *about* or directed at them. You and Paula are hardly the first and only two people who have said they’re job keeps them too busy to date.

                    • K Says:

                      Sorry. Calling bullshit. You spend an inordinate amount of time on this blog, Paula. You clearly have time on your hands.

                      That wasn’t “about or directed at” Paula?

                      Anyway, neither of us said we were too busy to date. I went on a date Wednesday of this week, have another one Sunday, and another one Monday.

                      But, the Monday one couldn’t happen this week because I had a date Wednesday and he had a class Thursday, so it got pushed into next week. That’s all I’m talking about… it’s unlikely both parties will be free tonight or tomorrow night, so you just set it up for the next night you are both free. How is that a problem?

                      Should we really not be dating unless we have the majority of our time free?

                      I think you’re reading things into our (at least my) comments that aren’t there.

                    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

                      That wasn’t “about or directed at” Paula?

                      That comment was. Not the one under which your comment appeared to which I replied. And it wasn’t a personal attack. I was challenging her statement and backing it up with things she’s shared here.

                      Anyway, neither of us said we were too busy to date.

                      Okay. then let me amend my statement. If someone regularly needs 2-3 weeks before they can find a couple hours to go on a date, then they’re too busy to date. But I still stand by my original comment addressed to Paula. Like I said originally, in the post, unless they tell you upfront that they’re traveling, ill or have school, then someone who needs a couple weeks to schedule a date is either dating multiple people, doesn’t have much time, or just looking to get laid.

                      Should we really not be dating unless we have the majority of our time free?

                      I think if you’re too busy working or dating multiple people, you don’t really have the kind of time needed to get to know someone. That’s a personal preference for me. When i did online dating, I tried to only have one or maybe two dates in the span of a week to ten days. I don’t know how someone can get to know someone when they’re having a date with someone new every couple of days. That’s a lot of juggling.

                    • K Says:

                      I don’t know where this post will exactly show up in the thread, but… Your last explanation makes sense, Moxie: “If you’re too busy working or dating multiple people, you don’t really have the kind of time needed to get to know someone.” That’s true…

                      …but then “I tried to only have one or two dates in the span of a week to ten days.” Sure, but I don’t think you should turn down someone interesting who asks you to meet. You might miss out.

                      And “that’s a lot of juggling…” Well, some of the guys you meet you won’t *want* to get to know, so you’ll pass on another date.

                      I don’t know, we’re all single, and if what we’re doing is working for us, who’s to say it’s wrong?

                • Paula Says:

                  Most people don’t date in the middle of the day or after midnight, which is when I spend the most time on this blog. And, you know those things called smart phones and iPads that you say everyone now has and is checking all the time? They allow me to post to the blog when I’m doing something else like working or volunteering, like I did today.

                  Tonight is the first night in 12 (checked my calendar for verification) that I have been home before 10 PM at night, and I’m only home tonight because something got canceled. I have dates scheduled on Saturday and Sunday, then it’s another 10 days or so before I have a night free. But I never said I was too busy to date. I am, however, too busy to go out with someone without advance notice of a week to 10 days.

                  I don’t like to give out my phone number because it used to be a home number, and is more available on the web tied to my home address than I want it to be, and I don’t want to give out my email account because the one I use most often is my name, and tied to my Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, etc. I have one that’s not my name that I can use for chat, but I don’t check it very often if I’m not actively corresponding with someone who is using it.

                  As for the men I date, one is in grad school and not available during the week, but I’m seeing him this weekend. Another that I’m about to go out with for the first time was gone the last three weekends, on a camping trip, work obligation, and friend’s wedding. Another was just out of the country for 2 1/2 weeks. I’ve said several times that I like to travel, I like active people, and while I’m not wedded to dating professionals like myself, we tend to have the most in common. So it’s really not that surprising that I would end up with people with similar schedules.

                  Shoveling the bullshit right back at you…because that’s all it is.

              • DrivingMeNutes Says:

                “All that said, the people who use “too busy” as their Fade should just cut it out. It’s a cowardly lie and almost never the reason someone doesn’t want to date.”

                True. But, which lie would you prefer to be told?

                • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

                  Well, I don’t think it’s too harsh to tell someone that they don’t see a future in the relationship. I’ve said it. I’ve had it said to me. But no matter what the person says, the person being dumped is going to question it. Maybe not outwardly, but you know if someone gets the “I just don’t see a future” speech they’ll spend a few days rethinking everything that transpired on a date and wonder if they imagined it all and then want an answer to that question.

                  • DrivingMeNutes Says:

                    Shall we discuss? Telling someone “I’m too busy” is saying “it’s not you, it’s me.” It’s nonconfrontational. (Cowardly, yawn.) Telling someone “I don’t see a future” is saying “It’s not me, it’s you.” The latter is unnecessarily provocative. Remember, the desired result is to END communications, not to induce further discussion/debate. Come to think of it, the same principles apply to this blog.

                    • K Says:

                      Hey DMN, what do you prefer if you’ve been on 1 drinks meet-up date and you ask the woman to go out again, but she’s not interested? Silence, “I don’t think there’s chemistry,” or something else? Just curious. I’m not sure what’s right. I guess I’d prefer the “I don’t think there’s chemistry.”

                  • greg Says:

                    Bang A Rang Moxie!!!!

                • Paula Says:

                  I think you know, DMN, that I would always rather be told the truth than a lie. So tell the truth, and if that’s too harsh, socially inept or confrontational, pick the least offensive reason that’s still the truth: “there’s no chemistry;” “I don’t see a future here;” “I’m not ready to get involved right now (with the ‘with you’ implied).”

                  I’ve mentioned this before, but one guy said, “I don’t think we’re destined to make each other’s hearts go pitter-patter.” Cute and truthful and I don’t have to flee or feel inadequate when I run into him again (which I have several times.)

                  • peppermint Says:

                    I don’t understand how saying you’re busy is a lie. Someone’s degree of busyness is subjective not factual; if I say I’m busy, then I’m busy. And on any given night, there are always two or three activities I could be doing so my default is busy. The question is whether I want to make someone a priority and sometimes I’m on the fence or not sure how I feel and want to manage expectations.

                    If somebody makes you dinner and you didn’t really like it and they ask you if you want some more, do you say, “Well, it didn’t taste very good,” or do you say, “No thanks, I’m full”?

                    • Paula Says:

                      Saying you’re busy is a lie if it’s not the reason you’re not continuing with future dates.

                      I say, “no thanks.” Not “no thanks, I’m full,” if I’m not full. Not “well, it didn’t taste very good,” because that would be rude. Just no thanks. I just don’t get why people have to embellish with a lie when the truth is adequate.

                  • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

                    I’ve mentioned this before, but one guy said, “I don’t think we’re destined to make each other’s hearts go pitter-patter.” Cute and truthful and I don’t have to flee or feel inadequate when I run into him again (which I have several times.)

                    Let’s play Mad Libs.

                    “I don’t think we’re destined to make each other’s hearts go pitter-patter because ___________”(fill in the blank.)

                    The part that would go in the blank space? Yeah. THAT’S the truth. Including that would be being truthful. Everything that came before that, while technically true, is just a sweetened up lie. You don’t want the actual truth nor do you want him to just Fade, because as you said above, it would make you flee or feel inadequate. So you’ll believe some trite and cutesy line because you need to. But the truth, that you say you value so much, isn’t what you want to hear.

                    I say, “no thanks.” Not “no thanks, I’m full,” if I’m not full. Not “well, it didn’t taste very good,” because that would be rude. Just no thanks. I just don’t get why people have to embellish with a lie when the truth is adequate.

                    And how is a guy telling you that he didn’t feel you two were destined to make each other’s heart go pitter patter not embellishing?

                    Let’s we’ll role play. You be you. I’ll be the guy.

                    HIM: Hey Paula! Had a great time last night. Would love to go out again. Are you free Friday?

                    YOU: No thanks.


                    Not only is your version abrupt, but it’s odd. Do you add anything else? Like maybe say, “No thanks. I didn’t really feel as though there was any chemistry.” If so, that is another sweetened up lie that really means “I don’t find you attractive.” That would be embellishing. Aka..a lie.

                    • dimplz Says:

                      If it’s not a lie, then it’s as DMN says, “diplomacy.” However, it isn’t an entire truth. It’s enough information to keep you from feeling like a liar, but vague enough for the other party to know you are concealing the entire truth.

                    • Paula Says:

                      I see why you think everybody lies, Moxie. When you don’t recognize or refuse to acknowledge the truth when you see it, then it’s easy to call everything a lie. I guess it’s easier to justify lying if the only version of the truth you recognize is the most harsh and cruel one. Then you can say “it’s OK to lie, because I don’t want to be “odd”/”awkward”/”socially inept.” Whatever helps you sleep at night, but I’m not buying it.

                      If I said, “I didn’t really feel as though there was any chemistry,” it means that I didn’t really feel as though there was any chemistry. It might *also* mean that I didn’t find him attractive. It might also mean that I didn’t like his personality or character traits. It might mean that conversation was difficult and awkward, and I couldn’t see it leading to any attraction. It might mean that I couldn’t imagine spending time with him without some quirk or trait driving me up the wall. It might mean he has bad breath or body odor or some other hygiene issue that I find repulsive. It might even mean that the sum total of a bunch of intangible things (perhaps even pheromones of which I’m not consciously aware) made me look at him and think “friend,” not “potential lover/boyfriend/life partner.” All of those are *components* of chemistry, but the catch-all “chemistry” works and is the truth — not a “sweetened up lie” as you call it.

                      I’ve said, “I don’t feel like we clicked,” and we didn’t, or “I don’t think I feel the same way as you do,” and I didn’t, or “I’m just not feeling it,” and I wasn’t…all of those things convey that I’m not interested in taking it further romantically while still being polite and truthful. They should also “end the conversation,” as DMN puts it, because the “why” doesn’t matter if someone doesn’t feel the same way as you do. If I hear that, I accept it and don’t ask why, and hope that they do the same when it’s coming from me.

                      “I don’t think we’re destined to make each other’s hearts go pitter-patter because ___________”(fill in the blank.) OK, I’ll play along: let me finish the sentence about that particular guy. “I agree that we’re not destined to make each other’s hearts go pitter-patter because you have a dental plaque problem that makes your teeth fuzzy and yellow, and I find it a little repulsive when I think about kissing you.”

                      Did I say that? No. Did I need to say that to be truthful? Of course not. He said what he said, I said, “yeah, I think you’re right,” and now when we run into each other, it’s cordial and comfortable. I didn’t want him personally to fade, since I suspected we would run into each other again, and knew that would be more awkward (there’s someone else in my circle who pulled a Fade, and now he literally leaves his other friends mid-conversation to avoid me if I happen to be there — pretty immature if you ask me.)

                      However, if I knew the chances of us running into each other again were slight, I’d be OK with the Fade after one date — I’ve made that pretty clear here recently as well, so I shouldn’t have to repeat myself.

                    • Paula Says:

                      That’s it, Dimplz…people are confusing the “truth” with the “whole truth.” You don’t have to have dating Aspergers or Tourette’s — chemically compelled to disclose everything that comes into your head no matter how offensive it might be to the person within earshot — to be someone who doesn’t lie. That’s just an attempt (and a fairly lame one, at that) to discredit people who have a principle that is valued in our society: honesty.

        • greg Says:

          K — I just think it’s accepted etiquette that you don’t respond immediately to emails because you don’t want to overwhelm somebody or appear too eager

          Give me a break, in my opinion that is called playing games….that person is likely a waste of time…by the time you reply to my email I will have emailed 10 other people to take on a date. So if you’re looking for a job, should I wait a few days to respond to their callback or email b/c I don’t want to seem to eager? Give me a break, the longer between emails the less I care about seeing that person cause it seems obvious they have better things to do and have no time. And most people get alerts on their phone or check their email multiple times a day so it’s not like they don’t see your message. If you can’t respond back in a 24 hour time period then you clearly aren’t all that interested.

          • K Says:

            Greg, don’t hate the playa, hate the game.

            You know, I started reading this blog a few weeks ago because it looked interesting and I thought I could learn something, since I never really dated before (2 very long-term relationships occupied the last 18 years).

            But I’ve realized that no one associated with this blog (except maybe Nathan) knows what they are talking about. I think it’s actually hazardous to read it, because I’m having fun and actually being successful at dating, but if I paid attention to the advice on this blog, I’d think I was doing everything wrong and probably curl up in a fetal position and never leave my bed.

            Even Moxie tells her readers not to spend so much damn time on this blog. That’s good advice, playas! If what you’re doing is working, keep doing it. If it’s not, try something else. Don’t listen to the playa haters!


            • DrivingMeNutes Says:

              “But I’ve realized that no one associated with this blog . . . knows what they are talking about.”

              What? You have defamed me, sir! Unless you retract your slanderous allegations, I will have no choice but seek redress for this grave injustice.

              Nice exit. You’ll be back…..

            • greg Says:

              K, nobody knows what they are talking about? So you just insulted everyone here nice. Obviously you don’t know how to close a relationship if you’ve wasted 18 yrs of your life on 2 people and you still looking for a husband. Maybe you need lessons on how to date.

              • dimplz Says:

                Greg, to Crotch Rocket: “you are ignorant of the market, go on a job site (you probably can’t figure that out) ”

                You insulted a bunch of people yesterday, to the point where your posts kept getting removed, Peter, Greg, whoever you are today.

              • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

                As I’ve said a dozen times now, I don’t have time to monitor all the comments to be sure everybody is playing nice.

                Greg, you’re being a dick just for the sake of being a dick. And I suspect dimplz is right that you are commenting under multiple usernames. You want to comment? Fine. But be productive. If you’re just going to be a troll, I flag you as a spammer.

                K, if you’re going to leave, then leave. Nobody needs to hear nor do I think they even care why you might stop commenting. Though I suspect DMN is right and that you will, in fact, be back. They always come back.

                I don’t like deleting comments, nor do I like moderating them. I think that’s what bloggers do so they can deter people who might disagree with them from commenting. It’s the pussy way out, and I refuse to do it. Which most have you have clued in to and have been taking advantage of for quite awhile.

                Between the constant defensiveness and repetitiveness to the outright disturbing nature of some of the comments, I’ve just lost interest in having comments at all. This isn’t a place where you can work out your frustrations at the opposite sex, or somewhere you can pass the time because your job doesn’t keep you all that busy. Nor is it group therapy where you can unload all your personal problems. It’s also not a place where you can bluster and desperately try to engage people in a debate so you can “outwit” them with your logic and reason and you can feel better about yourself. In short, these comments aren’t all about you.

                If people would just stick to the topic at hand and stop using this space as their personal sandbox or soapbox, we could go back to having valuable discussions.

                • Saj Says:

                  I think the problem is the repetitiveness of the problems posted lately. You can only answer so many ways to the same thing without thinking….should I just cut paste my reply from a week ago? Girl A meets unavailable guy, sleeps with unavailable guy, unavailable guy is unavailable and girl has no idea what she did wrong.

                  Due to that and people wanting to post ANYWAY then they entertain themselves but by doing all you mentioned above or else the comments section would be dead and the blog might lose it’s appeal to many of the readers.

                  • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

                    Girl A meets unavailable guy, sleeps with unavailable guy, unavailable guy is unavailable and girl has no idea what she did wrong.

                    There’s been a ton of questions coming in from men in the last two months. The “unavailable guy” letters have become more rare, in fact. So I don’t think that’s the problem.

    • b Says:

      I second Moxie’s statement. Also, I don’t believe in trying to get to know someone much until you’ve actually met them. If I like a profile and photos, and if we’ve exchanged one or two friendly messages, then I’d like to meet the person as soon as our schedules permit. So far, this has been working for me, and the guys I’m meeting seem to be on the same page about not lingering in virtual land. A phone call in advance of the first meeting is fine, but again, until you meet in person, you just don’t know who you’re talking to, so it’s nice, but not required.

  6. Paula Says:

    I think that both how soon you meet and what kind of communication you have before you meet is something that is rapidly changing, and thus applying any kind of hard and fast rule or litmus test may end up screening out potentially good matches who are interested, while not necessarily preventing you from dealing with time-wasters or those who are not really interested.

    I prefer fairly extensive chat and/or messages through the service before we meet, and don’t like to give out my phone number or personal email we’ve met at least once. I have the dating service app on my phone, so i prefer to route everything through there until we meet and I have a better sense of whether they will be part of my life. I don’t like texting except for details, and definitely not to have full conversations. You may have different communications preferences, so I think it’s hard to draw any conclusions from what they are.

    As for how soon we meet, if they don’t suggest it fairly soon, then I’m skeptical, but it may take a while to make happen given my schedule and potentially his. If it takes several weeks, it’s not due to lack of interest, but the fact that I have limited availability and need to schedule things a ways in advance. I don’t have that much time to date, but as someone else pointed out, if I’m exclusive with one person, some of the others will get crossed off the list.

  7. Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

    I don’t know, we’re all single, and if what we’re doing is working for us, who’s to say it’s wrong?

    Okay. But if the goal is to have a relationship with someone, something that goes beyond casual, and you just find yourself going on a string of first or second dates, then it’s not working.

    Sure, but I don’t think you should turn down someone interesting who asks you to meet.

    Agreed. But I wouldn’t make it a habit to schedule date after date after date.

    • K Says:

      Sure, anything you do over and over again that doesn’t get you the result you want, isn’t working. I don’t have enough to go on yet though, it’s only been 2 months and 6 guys. If it got to be a string, I guess I’d reevaluate.

      • D Says:

        Heh, last week I went on *three* dates on Saturday alone. I don’t advocate that, but it’s just the way my schedule worked out.

  8. Mike Felber Says:

    Since most everyone is saying that it could take a while to get to get together, it is reasonable to conclude that there are many other sincere folks in this situation. Though if there is interest, it should not usually take a while for other dates-if it consistently does, then more likely the person is too busy too date. Because even if the reason one is initially busy is having a few dates a week, interest should make you prioritize someone, then before too long stop seeing others (of an exclusive relationship is desired).

    I see nothing wrong with having many dates, if folks are really feeling the individual, & not seeking a checklist of things they will “get”. And statistically the vast majority of encounters are 1st & 2nd dates-until folks choose each other. Like getting a desired job, sales, or most things worth having, it normally takes many shots to find something that is good & lasting.

    I agree that we should not judge much by what forms of communication are used due to very variable & shifting standards. Though if E-mail & the phone were invented at the same time, the latter would be lauded as a more complete, immediate, & emotionally satisfying means of communication. Hearing tone, nuance, getting immediate feedback-all allow a conversation to tell you so much more & be satisfying for flirting to triggering unpredictable topics, revelations, & mutual interests.

    Lastly, I think all should say as much truth as they tactfully can as to why they may not want to see another. Often not feeling chemistry is completely true, & fine to use. Saying you are too busy when you would not be for the right person dishonest & wimpy. It is also not wrong to share some details about what is not suitable for you. Saying i want someone more into X, or I was not comfy with Y, but that is just my preference, might help our insight &/or to improve.

    The goal of just shutting down the person so as to avoid any chance of a question or something you find awkward is not a humane one.

  9. Mark Says:

    One good place to start is by asking “What a reasonable person do/expect if they were in a similar stituation”. A second consideration is that for the most part a legitimate guy would rather meet sooner rather than later. Some ladies might say too many men want to meet a little too soon. But that’s a separate issue.

    As for setting up that date and cancelling, There is a line you cross when it comes to something real popping causing him to bow out vs. something that sounds susiciously like ‘My dog ate my homework”. Here, a guy relocated and lives about 45 min. away. Yet you say he constantly finds yet another reason not to meet up.

    Well… if he was seriously interesed, I would think that he would make that effort. In addition, if this is a preview of his behaviour and attitude toward you now, what is it that you might expect in the future?

    You and your time are important to you. If it seems that this guy isn’t respecting that, then maybe want to look at someone who is making the effort.

    Hope for the best.

  10. Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

    I guess it’s easier to justify lying if the only version of the truth you recognize is the most harsh and cruel one.

    The only version of the truth I acknowledge, Paula, is THE TRUTH. Whether it’s harsh and cruel or sugary sweet doesn’t matter. Someone telling me “the truth” is NOT someone embellishing or trying to spare my feelings. I don’t hold it against them for embellishing. But I also don’t praise them or delude myself in to thinking they said what they said because they hated or liked or valued me. Why they said what they said isn’t relevant. What they said is when determining whether or not someone is being honest.

    You’re contradicting yourself. You just said to Peppermint that you didn’t understand why somebody would have to embellish their reason for not wanting to see each other again by saying they were too busy. But yet you TOTALLY understand and accept when someone embellishes as long as it allows you to believe whatever you want to believe and doesn’t make you feel bad. So embellishing is okay, as long as it’s something you can swallow. But embellishing isn’t okay when you don’t believe what they’re telling you or it makes you feel bad. That’s inconsistent. If someone says they’re too busy to date, you take offense to that. But when someone delivers some ridiculous line about hearts going pitter pat, that makes you feel good because you think he’s being honest because he likes or somehow values you. In both cases, the man is trying to avoid a fight or hurting your feelings. So why is one version okay, but the other isn’t?

    I see why you think everybody lies, Moxie. When you don’t recognize or refuse to acknowledge the truth when you see it, then it’s easy to call everything a lie.

    It’s also easy to call everything truthful and honest when you don’t recognize or refuse to acknowledge the truth when you see it. That works both ways.

    • Paula Says:

      I’m only inconsistent in Moxie Land, where truth = “sweetened up lie” or “embellishment” and lies = anything you say to spare someone’s feelings, regardless of accuracy.

      When the only way you can create inconsistency is to change the commonly accepted meanings of words like “chemistry” and “truth,” then it’s not really possible to have a logical debate any more, especially when you just said it was OK to tell someone that there was no chemistry. Or is “baiting” only OK when you do it?

      • DrivingMeNutes Says:

        Chemisty is “the branch of science that deals with the identification of the substances of which matter is composed; the investigation of their properties and the ways in which they interact, combine, and change; and the use of these processes to form new substances.”

        That is the generally accepted definition of the word. The way you’re using it, it in fact has no agreed-up definition. It is whatever it is that you think is atttracttive or unattractive. That’s the problem and that’s the reason people use the term. Not because there is a common definition but because it conceals truth. You say “there is no chemistry” when you mean “your teeth are brown” to use your example. Or, “your ass is too fat” to use another common one. If you tell me my ass is fat, I understand what you mean. If you say, “there is no chemistry,” I can only guess as to what you mean. So, you advocate not saying what you mean.

        Saying “there is no chemistry” is not truthful, unless you redefine truth which is what you are doing – not Moxie.

        • Paula Says:

          DMN, we may disagree, but you’re usually not this obtuse. If you scroll on to the next definition in the dictionary (I’m going to use “Miriam” [sic] Webster) , you’ll see chemistry defined as: A strong mutual attraction, attachment or sympathy…with the example “they tried dating, but there was no chemistry between them.”

          When I say “chemistry,” I’m saying what I mean: “no strong attraction, attachment or sympathy,” using the straight out of the dictionary meaning. What causes me to feel that way may be different than what causes you to feel that way, but if either one of us feel that way, and accordingly don’t want to date, then the root cause is irrelevant. You can share it if you want, but not only is it “undiplomatic” but it doesn’t alter the truth of the original statement or change it from a lie to the truth.

  11. Mike Felber Says:

    A lie is something that contradicts the truth. Saying something that is completely true but does not express all the reasons why you might not want to see them, & being considerate to their feelings, is by definition not a lie.

    ‘I do not feel any chemistry” is true if you cannot feel a romantic or physical attraction. Whether or not it is due to just the physical, or something about their personality that effects attraction. “not destined to make each other’s hearts go pitter pat” is actually true literally IF the guy believes in destiny. Since whether it is true or not, believing something is intrinsically involved in what a lie means-an INTENTIONAL deception. I can see it being interpreted as smarmy & not taking responsibility, or considerately expressing with tact his lack of interest.

    So I am in favor of telling as much truth as you can, though being a little general is not terrible, as long as you are honest, tactful & own that it is about your feelings. Though I argue that saying something like i did not feel simpatico in interests or a mental connection, or I did not feel an attraction, if it is true, is actually a considerate thing to do. Gives the truth, tactfully, & information that can be considered for the future. I might say “as I have been told myself often enough, I did not feel a chemistry/attraction”…

    That is showing tact, modesty, honesty, & even if you use the word chemistry, it will be understood as attraction. Calculating a fade since you likely will not need to deal with them is immature, unbrave, & unkind.

    There are many reasons why someone will not even SEE an E-mail in 24 hours, or may have urgent matters to attend to, thus to judge them as uninterested is wrong. But just as misguided is not responding so as not to respond when you can to tailor the impression you create. That is playing games & the impression given will tend to be a lack of interest &/or flakiness.

  12. Denny Laine Says:

    Quinn, If someone I like I feel is being wishy washy about the relationship, I would keep that relationship but at the same time, keep on looking. I’m not saying sleep around but continue to find dates whether in person or online. We can drive ourselves crazy trying to figure out what the other person is thinking. The only way to put a stop to it is to talk it out. The best way to talk it out is if you back up your words with action. You can tell him, you’ll continue to see other people because you don’t think your relationship with him is no on solid ground (yet). Hopefully, that’ll grab his attention. If not you’re already ahead simply by keeping your options open. -DL

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