How Good Are You At Spotting Red Flags?

I was reading a story yesterday about a date that ended abruptly. I read the post a few times and couldn’t figure out what had transpired. Normally, the signs are pretty clear to me, having had my share of not so successful first dates.  According to the author, the date was going well. There was some flirting and hand touching. At some point the guy said he was hungry but didn’t want to eat at the bar where they had met for the date.

So they head outside and begin to walk. A couple minutes goes by and the guy says that he’s going to go meet up with a friend that had texted him earlier and leaves.

I shared the author’s feeling of confusion. Wait. What just happened there?

I read the post again. And again. Then I saw it.

He said he wanted to go get something to eat.

Not “he suggested we go get something to eat.”

If I had to guess, and it’s merely speculation, the guy was trying to end the date while they were at the bar. Unfortunately, he didn’t communicate his intentions very clearly, because his date probably assumed (as many would, I suppose) that he was inviting her to go get something to eat. When really he was just trying to get her up and out of the bar so he could leave. It wasn’t the most graceful of closings, from what I read. But he tried. To be fair, there may have been other signs that he was looking to bolt that weren’t included in the post.  The woman in the story was sure the man was attracted to her and was flirting with her, thus compounding her confusion. In any case, it ended with someone’s feelings getting hurt and that sucks.

So, this story got me to thinking about the obvious and not so obvious ways people try to communicate their lack of interest. It also got me to thinking about how far off our instincts can be. Take this letter:

Name: Phil
Age: 28
City: NYC
Website:
Story: I started talking to this girl online and within 1 day we had a 90 minute instant msg conversation in which she initiated.  We met about 11 days later, after she had to reschedule due to her “busy tutoring schedule.”  She is currently a math teacher, and claims she has very little time.  According to her she goes to work, comes home, goes to the gym and does lesson plans and grades things at night.  Then on Saturday she normally tutors for 2-4 hours.  She tells me after date #1, which I thought went fairly well..that she’d talk to me mid-week.  We went out on a Friday night, so I figure mid week is Wednesday…Anyways I texted after the date I had a good time, etc…I called her on Monday evening and ended up leaving a msg.  She texted me back how she was super busy etc with grading, and we had also exchanged a text on tues and I also texted her on Wednesday and no response from her…Now it’s Friday and nothing…I’m assuming she’s not interested….I’m not going to chase these girls, shes 25 and I’m 28.  From what I’ve seen that most girls in their lower and mid 20s seem to be lacking interest in the whole dating scene and seem to play the field more.  People closer to my age or a little older seem more interested in getting to know someone and less likely to play games.  Any advice on this girl?

Now, to me, it seems pretty obvious that this woman was always unavailable. The frequent talk of her job, the IMing, the detailing of her schedule, it taking 11 days for them to meet. The signs were all there. Weren’t they?

I firmly believe the signs are always there and we choose to ignore them. We say we’re trying to give people a chance or be more open and flexible. But we inherently know when a date isn’t going to go anywhere. Yet we go anyway, because why not? Not that there is anything wrong with giving it a go. There isn’t. But even when we see the flashing red or yellow lights, why don’t we proceed with caution? It’s kind of like that joke in Scream about how the woman home alone  hears a noise upstairs and, instead of running out of the house, she goes upstairs.

Why do we do that?

We all have a bunch of indicators that we rely upon when determining signs of interest or lack of interest. Sometimes they’re rational and make sense. Other times – many actually – they’re not.

What are yours? What are your red flags? What signs do you look for when trying to determine if someone is interested or not?

 

 


 

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49 Responses to “How Good Are You At Spotting Red Flags?”

  1. Craig Says:

    I totally agree that the signs are always there and we choose to ignore them. We’re often in such denial that we even make excuses for the other person:

    “She hasn’t returned my call in a week – maybe she’s had an accident and is in the hospital!”

    I’m guilty of creating that fantasy explanation on more than one occasion and I doubt I’m alone. But the truth is that deep down we all know when we’re done. We’re just loathe to accept it. For me the red flags a woman isn’t interested are when she consistently gives you the cheek when you go in for a kiss and/or doesn’t return your calls for days. I don’t care how busy someone is, when they really like you they will make time for you. Eye contact is also important with women. If she’s scanning the room when she’s with you – it’s a sign you’re as good as gone. Unlike men whose attention spans are quite limited, women really lock in on a guy as if he’s the only person on the planet when they’re interested. On the opposite end of the spectrum, you know a woman is interested when she finds excuses to talk to you as often as possible. Also when she’s with a guy she finds reasons to sit close to him and touch him – even if it’s a tap on the arm while she talks.

    Even the stated signs of interest are no guarantee of anything. Like men, women are capable of living in the moment as well. Just because someone likes you during one date, that doesn’t guarantee the interest will carry over tomorrow after the alcohol wears off. Here today, gone tomorrow is one of the risks that come with dating.

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    • Dan Says:

      I also agree with what Craig says. Touching is obvious. Also, one last thing–I have noticed that if a woman is into you she’ll be agreeable to going to different places that same night you guys met. Also, she’ll have more than one drink because she likes and trusts you.

      And if she really likes you, she’ll go home with you. :)

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    • Jules Says:

      Agree with what Craig said and to build on that….I’ve learned that if you are wondering if someone is interested in you, they probably aren’t. The guys who were very interested in me always found a way to let me know. Whether it was explicitly stating it, or always making sure to follow up and making the effort to get to know me, I never questioned where I stood.

      Of course there have been times where there were red flags instead and I ignored them, but I’m getting better about it and learning when to just move on.

      Someone once told me that I should only put in as much effort into something/someone as it/they deserve. That advice has served me well on many occassions.

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      • Selena Says:

        And I agree with Jules. Adding: when someone is very interested in you they want you to know – they don’t want you to lose interest in them by playing hard to get ahold of, or limiting contact.

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    • Andrew Says:

      In dating, we often meet people where congruency between stated desires and actions is often missing. There is also a great disconnect between reality and expectations. I am no psycologist or psychotherapist so I have no clear idea why people do this. I would imagine the laundry list causing this would include: deeply internalized fears, arrogance, inadequacy, unrealistic expectations , lonliness, poor social skills, and societal expectations.

      Recognizing the red flags thus becomes an exercise in recognizing incongurencies. I suppose, looking for body language and facial expressions that do not match what the person is saying, represents a good start. Conflicting testimony is also another sign.

      The other part of the problem is us getting past the things we want to badly happen. This causes us to deliberately ignore all the warning signs. There are two easy cures for this, more prospects and better prospects. Better prospects come from looking in places where people more like us hang out. More prospects come from us making a concerted effort to put ourself out there with the correct attitude. There is online dating, meet-ups and lots of social venues for that to happen, but attitude is reallly important in this venture. Professional dating help also works.

      Of course the best cure, while hard, is to work on our internal game. Really establish what we seek; rationalize that with the realities and exigencies of our circumstances; and not fool ourselves along the way. Also learn to appreciate who we are and what we bring to the table. Actually work on bringing more to the table. And really stop asking for something in other people that we ourselves cannot deliver.

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  2. Dan Says:

    You know, I can sit here and talk about the “signs” that show interest. However, as I have found many times, that’s not always the case. People show interest and lost interest for different reasons. At the end of the day, the only surefire way to know if there is interest, is to contact her/him and ask them out again. Now, comes the hard part. Letting them contact you back–in other words–the ball is in their court. In the past, even I had issues with this as I thought the man was suppose to pursue. However, this is not true. A person–e.g.woman– who is interested will call/text you back and set a time to see you again. If this does not happen, there is no interest or sufficient interest. Time to leave it alone. Also, as a guy, I contact a woman once. Trust me, fellas, she got your text and/or voicemail.

    Another point I make is this. As for dating, you will be disappointed more so than not. People will leave you hanging blah blah blah. The best medicine is to move on because there are other fish in the ocean.

    So, in summary, the hell with signs. You’ll drive yourself crazy trying to figure out some of the crazies in the dating world. People’s actions speak louder than words. I initiate and wait to see if they contact me back.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 11 Thumb down 2

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  3. Paula Says:

    It came up in the previous post about what the best way is to wrap up a date with someone in whom you’re not interested. I think I’m good at making conversation with all kinds of people about all kinds of topics, and as long as there’s something to do, like have a drink or food or watch an event, I’m fine with spending a couple of hours with someone even though I know this will be our one and only date. And so by and large, with an exception or two, my dates that haven’t gone anywhere have been pleasant experiences.

    But what’s the best way to convey you’re not interested without being rude? Is it not having that second drink or continuing on to dinner, if you’re having a good conversation and enjoyable evening but feeling no romantic spark? Are there magic words to say at the end, like “it was nice to meet you,” but being non-committal about future dates? Some use splitting the check to convey it, but then if you believe in splitting the check anyway, that can give off the wrong impression. I’ve also thought the Fade after one date is another good way to convey it, but I know some people here think that’s rude too.

    I sometimes find it hard to tell the difference between being nice and being interested romantically, and I know that some people have thought the same of me. I think if there was more of a generally accepted way to convey you’re not interested that wasn’t considered rude, abrupt or hurtful, then people could use that and there wouldn’t have to be so much guesswork, or people feeling like they’ve been led astray. Or (most) people like the OP’s date from yesterday wouldn’t need to ask him that question, because they wouldn’t be surprised that he’s not interested.

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  4. Selena Says:

    For me the signs someone was very interested would be they wanted contact of some kind every day. Contrast this with guys who only called once mid-week to get together on the weekend, or less, and those ‘relationships’ never went beyond casual and short term. What can be confusing are people who come on strong at first then seem lose interest abruptly.

    If I were out with a guy who said he wanted to get something to eat, but not at the bar, I would also have thought he meant to extend the date. Maybe that is missing a signal, though the signal was an ambiguous one. He could have just said he enjoyed meeting the woman, thanks for coming out. Unambiguous.

    To Phil, if she really was interested she would have been mirroring your contact: you text, she texts back; you call, she returns call, etc. She would be showing you she was interested in getting together with you again. She might legitamately be “too busy”, but it appears she isn’t trying to make time for you regardless.

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    • dimplz Says:

      “To Phil, if she really was interested she would have been mirroring your contact: you text, she texts back; you call, she returns call, etc. She would be showing you she was interested in getting together with you again. She might legitamately be “too busy”, but it appears she isn’t trying to make time for you regardless.”

      I agree with this, but then I think there is a small population of women who don’t realize that while they think being single is a sign of them being available, they really aren’t. I was one of those people once. Too fearful to get hurt, so I would flirt with men that I had no interest in, because there wasn’t a chance of me wanting to date them and subsequently get hurt. Then I would shy away from the men I was truly interested in. If women who hold this type of cognitive dissonance can reverse their behavior, they will be better off.

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      • bill Says:

        I prefer to avoid those women because at the end of the day they require too much effort. Dating/relationships are meant to be easy. If they are too hard it just means they aren’t as interested/ nor as mature as you.

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  5. kay Says:

    People, no matter how busy they are, will make time for the things
    they want to do and the people they want to see.

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    • Paula Says:

      That’s true. Busy doesn’t mean unavailable, and there’s always a way to squeeze someone in when you want them in your life. If you’re trying to do that, I think you should be given the benefit of the doubt….I’ll work with your schedule if you’ll work with mine.

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  6. bill Says:

    Realistically you have no idea unless you are upfront with them for men and women.

    I was dating girl for about three months we talked all the time hung out all the time we were so intense. At the end she wasn’t interested in dating me long term.

    So there is no red flag at the end of the day. The only way you will know is if you are upfront!

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    • Selena Says:

      3 month mark again. “So intense” could mean infatuation, when that wore off maybe she lost interest? Happens.

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      • AP Says:

        Maybe another question could be how to distinguish between red flags that incinuate infactuation vs. the real deal? For me, these are red flags indicating someone who is prone to getting intense quickly and then ending it or someone who is often in infactuation mode but it wears off quickly:
        – perpetually in 2-3 month relationships when asked about history of dating
        – never said “I love you” or has never had at least 1-2 longer term serious relationships and is in their 30s
        – has a “list” of needs/attributes which rarely exists in one single person, and is looking for something not readily available.

        Any others to add?

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        • Selena Says:

          Infatuation though, is often the first step in relationships that ultimately become serious as well as those that don’t though. Infatuation is high sexual attraction, it’s “newness”. Nothing can stay “new”, so it’s how feelings have developed once the newness wears off that are telling.

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  7. marsi Says:

    sometimes being upfront doesnt help either! i asked a guy out, we were flirting heavily on many occasions and i recieved a strangly ambigous reply. he didnt say no, but he wasnt saying yes either.
    i was confused. was he playing with my head???
    later, he explained to a friend of ours that he isnt dating right now, he is taking a break from it.
    i understood that- i refrained from dating for various reasons at various periods. but id think if you were refraining from dating, youd also be refraining from flirting like that.
    well…. dating can be weird.

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    • bill Says:

      You were upfront and he wasn’t interested. You saved yourself a lot of aggravation.

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    • Jules Says:

      I know I am going to spark some controversy but I’ll still say it. Maybe the problem off the bat was that you asked the guy out, not the other way around.

      Now before everyone jumps down my throat about women should be able to ask men out…blah blah blah….I’ve always believed that if a man is truly interested, he will ask you out. Sure, there are exceptions to the rule, but in GENERAL, I think a woman should let the guy ask her out first.

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      • nathan Says:

        I don’t think that “exception” status will be around much longer. Things are changing, and so feel free to hang around waiting to be asked out, but it might be a long time before it happens.

        Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 7 Thumb down 12

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        • nathan Says:

          I can see why this comment is hated. Let me put it a different way. If a man is truly interested in you, why would he dismiss you for simply being the initiator?

          And on the flip side, if a guy is so upset by a woman who makes the first move that he’s willing to reject her, is that the kind of man you want to be with?

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          • Selena Says:

            Men who are truly interested in you ask you out that’s why.

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            • SnowdropExplodes Says:

              But some men might not know that they would be interested you, until you make them aware you exist.

              It is said, “motivation follows action”. Similarly, for some people, “interest follows dating”. More accurately, that would be, people get interested in each other from getting to know each other, and get interested in dating each other and having a relationship, from trying it out. A guy can look at a woman and not think much one way or the other, but if she made the approach and let him get to know her, there might be something special waiting to happen. Why not give it a chance?

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        • dimplz Says:

          I saw this comment yesterday, and I think it’s because although things are changing, men still realize that if they want a woman to know they are interested, they have to ask her out. Like Jules said, there are painfully shy people/people who aren’t making their interest known, but for the most part, I think we women kind of know when we are shooting for the stars and when we need to be realistic. That guy might say yes, but he wouldn’t have thought of going out with us had we not asked. I think for the most part, both men and women are very good at knowing who would be game to go out with them and who wouldn’t.

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      • SnowdropExplodes Says:

        It turns out that statistically, about 50% of people show up as introverts on the MBTI test, which means that they are people who stay in themselves a lot, and are thus less likely to make a first move. There isn’t thought to be much imbalance between genders in this regard, if anything men are more likely to be introverts.

        So, women who won’t make the first move could be denying themselves at least 50% of the playing field before the game has even begun.

        A lot of women who say, “Oh, if a man’s interested, he’ll make the first move” base this on a single data point, and from anecdotal evidence, e.g. “Well, I asked this guy out once and he said no, therefore no man will say yes when a woman asks him out. And, my friend says the same thing, so it must be true.”

        Do you know what would happen if men took the same approach? If every man said to himself, “Well, I tried asking a girl out once and she said no, therefore no woman likes to be asked out and I should stop trying,” then that would be the end of dating! Seriously. The realistic pick-up artists (the ones who don’t claim their techniques will work on every girl everywhere instantaneously) admit that their chances of success with an approach are roughly 5%-10%. It takes me about 100 approaches to get one “yes”. You can’t draw any reliable conclusions about whether men will say “yes” to the woman making the first move, until you’ve made the first move with about a thousand men. You can’t draw any reliable conclusions about whether men will be interested or not, until you’ve made that many attempts.

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  8. marsi Says:

    yes, i guess you are right. but its not that simple.
    i talk to men all the time- i am capable of having a long conversation with a man about an interesting subject without flirting and i know when i am being courted to. this was different- he was definetly luring me in, it was a very intense conversation, an hour long, we were alone.( he was paying me compliments and touching me, i never touched him) in the end i felt that he was making me believe that he liked me althogh i dont quite understand why would a guy do something like that. its not nice.

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    • Willywonka Says:

      I had a very similar experience. A while back when I was online dating, I contacted a guy who had added me to his Favorites and he responded. We talked on the phone once and he asked me out on a date, so I met him about a week later. It was one of the best dates I’ve ever had. We spent seven hours together. He was flirting with me, complimenting me, slow danced with me, sang to me, made out with me for an extended period of time, talked about seeing me again, etc. I was POSITIVE that this guy liked me. The following day he texted me, and by the tone of the text, I knew immediately that he wasn’t interested. Sure enough, a few days later, he sent me a very polite “I had a great time, but I’m not interested” email. I responded equally politely by saying “thanks for letting me know….it was nice meeting you….good luck with your search”. But it was really, REALLY bugging me. In fact, I beat myself up for days, going over everything I did and said to try and figure out what the hell I did wrong this time. So I emailed him again, told him I know I turned him off somehow, and asked him if he would be willing to tell me what it was so I could hopefully prevent this from happening again (BTW…this is the first time I had ever done this sort of thing….I usually just let it go and never contact the guy again). To my surprise, he responded. His email was about three pages long and in it, he told me that I did absolutely NOTHING to turn him off. He said I was cute, nice, smart, and fun, and that he really enjoyed my company. Then he told me that the truth was, he never had any interest in me to begin with. The reason he had Favorited me, but did not initiate contact with me, was because he wasn’t “attracted enough” to my profile. So, he knew before we even met that he had no interest in me and was never going to see me again.

      I will never, EVER understand why people do this kind of shit.

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      • Vox Says:

        Interesting post. I often wondered why so many men who favorite me didn’t ask me out. My guess was that men favorite a lot of women who look “pretty good” in their eyes, almost as though they were save the profile for a rainy day. And then I thought, 20 minutes later they see a profile they like much better and thus forget all about the pretty good gal they just favorited. I wonder if that is what happened to you. Will any men here step up to offer an opinion on this?

        It seems to me that men will always say yes to a date initiated by a woman, unless he thinks she’s a beast. But at the end of the day, we can’t convince men to be attracted to us (though the reverse seems to be true, at least among certain groups of women) once on that date. This is one of a few reasons why I don’t ask men out: As an average woman, most men will say yes to my invitation, but that doesn’t mean they are attracted enough to want to date me. They would shag me if the night heads down that path, but they don’t see me as someone they’d want on their arm on a regular basis.

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        • DrivingMeNutes Says:

          The situation is easy to explain. Just because a man is interested, doesn’t mean he will ask you out. I agree with you, Vox, that allowing men to ask you out makes it more likely that they will be interested. But, I assume you would acknowledge that your strategy will cause you to overlook some men who would otherwise be interested but didn’t make a move. Sucks for them.

          I have the same strategy with respect to women and, to date, it has assured me a steady stream of women who worship me, some quite literally. But, I acknowledge that I’m missing some great opportunities with women who think like you (and me). And I don’t leap to the illogical conclusion that, because most women who make a move are interested – a truism- that all women who are interested will make the first move, as someone else has said with respect to men to an apparently thunderous applause of thumbs up. Logic people.

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          • Vox Says:

            >>>But, I assume you would acknowledge that your strategy will cause you to overlook some men who would otherwise be interested but didn’t make a move. Sucks for them.

            But come on, how many of these men are really out there? The thought that there are throngs of men out there who truly desire me, but can’t make a move for a personal reason is very soothing to my ego. I like ideas that soothe me. But in general, things that soothe my ego are not true. I really don’t think I am missing out on all that much. This is not a big number.

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            • Vox Says:

              I fucked up an italics, trying to fix it before it gets annoying

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            • DrivingMeNutes Says:

              I have no idea the number for you, so I can’t really move to pragmatics but if you’re attractive, I assure you that there are men out there that are fully interested but are not certain that you would be interested and would be very happy if you showed interest. You’re ignoring those guys which, as I said, is fine. Just as I am sure there are women out there who are minding their business but who would accept an invitation from me if I made one. (And, you’re otherwise right that men are more likely to accept an invitation just for the hell of that than women are), But, we are both missing out on whoever we’re missing out on – by definition, we will never know. That is the downside of the strategy.

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              • nathan Says:

                You know, I understand that adhering to the old gender norms where men do the asking, and women accept is in some ways a practical strategy. But like DMN, I think women who stick totally to that model are missing out on a swath of men. And it’s not just men who are shy and not assertive. It’s actually including any men who haven’t found you yet (if online), or who don’t know you (if in person), or who simply aren’t the type to ask out strangers or relative strangers.

                When it comes to online dating, I really think plenty of women are – through their lack of being proactive – missing opportunities. Vox points out that men might save her profile and then not go back. Because there’s hundreds of others out there. I know that there have been times when I have saved profiles of women I thought were really interesting, and then didn’t go back for weeks afterwards. Sometimes, it was because I was already going on dates, and didn’t have any more time. Other times, I was simply too busy. And still other times, I just plain forgot.

                Another issue here, that DMN hints at, is the issue of who it is you’re attracting. Perhaps you have a full inbox of e-mails from guys, but what if it’s full of guys who either are totally not what you want, or who are too much like your exs? Sometimes, you have to break the norms in order to also break patterns like attracting the “wrong people” – even if you desire to uphold the norms in general.

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                • Angeline Says:

                  Isn’t everyone online a stranger? Why would someone who wouldn’t ask a stranger out even be online?

                  I contacted a few guys in my brief foray in online dating, and was contacted by a few. One was actually someone I’d known IRL a few years before. The ones I contacted had no hangups about it, and a couple led to dates and relationships. However I had no plan, no filters, and didn’t know a very important piece of advice the DMN posted: just because a guy is funny or good at words, or even good at the gestures of connecting and moving things along, doesn’t mean anything special about you or the connection you believe you have. It just means he’s good at words or humor. One of those truths that seems so simple and obvious, but it wasn’t to me at the time. I thought if we were getting along so well and having so much fun, it meant more than it did. I think I tended to be too invested in some kind of result when I contacted them.

                  I am terrible at spotting red flags, beyond the obvious – I can sense the crazies at a thousand yards. But whether they are really ready to date, to have a relationship, is in no way connected to what they say (men or women). I had to just stop with trying to read the tea leaves, and just take things slow. Threw the expectations and timelines out the window, and just got to know the person. And got to know me in the process.

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    • Vox Says:

      Perhaps he just wanted to bang you quickly and run, and once he saw it wasn’t going to happen he lost interest.

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      • Willywonka Says:

        I thought this, too, and even asked about it in my follow-up email to him (BTW…..in that email, I specifically asked him to be brutally honest if he chose to reply because it would be very helpful for me to know what happened….so I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt that he was being truthful in his response). He said that he was not trying to sleep with me, and I believe him. Firstly, because I told him about two hours into the date that I wasn’t going to sleep with him that night, and he kept the date going for FIVE more hours. If that’s what he was after and I specifically told him I wasn’t going to give it to him, why not say goodnight at that point instead of wasting five more hours of my life? The second reason I believe him is because he was very respectful during our make-out session. He never pressured me to go any further than I wanted to.

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        • Vox Says:

          I never meant that he said yes because he wanted to try to screw you. I believe it is an instinctual sexual response that makes men always say yes to a woman’s invitation if she is at least moderately attractive. Men instinctively accept invites from women which theoretically could end in sex. You told him that you weren’t going to sleep with him that night and he didn’t bail… well first off, he was having a good time. Secondly, when a woman goes out of her way to tell a man that she isn’t going to have sex with him, that tells him that she certainly has fucked on the first date before (and now has decided that she doesn’t like the results she was getting), and that she is thinking about fucking him at that very moment. You are more likely to make a man stay with you after that declaration, especially if the two of you are drinking.

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        • Selena Says:

          I’m curious why you felt the need to tell him you weren’t going to sleep with him that night 2 hours into the date.

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          • Willywonka Says:

            It was a very casual comment during our conversation (can’t remember exactly what precipitated it…I think we were talking about dating in general), but I just mentioned off-the-cuff that I don’t sleep with guys on the first date. He agreed that it’s usually not a good idea and we moved on to talking about something else for the next five hours.

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            • DrivingMeNutes Says:

              Again, it’s not that hard to explain if you make the right assumptions. Guys who are so-called “looking for sex” and are marginally good at it, are going to adopt a strategy that will lead to sex. Announcing that you’re “looking for sex” is counterproductive to that goal, as is admitting it under questioning later, or acting like a douche on a date, or being otherwise unattractive. He “favorited” you because he thought you would be easier relative to other women (based on his likely inflated view of himself, maybe), so he set a bait and you took it. And, when it didn’t work out as he had hoped, he moved on. Why is this baffling?

              Also, FYI, all my first date sex experiences started with the woman announcing that she doesn’t have first date sex. Just like men, women announce a lot of things that turn out to be bullshit or to seriously lack foundation. This is just not unusual at all.

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              • dimplz Says:

                “Also, FYI, all my first date sex experiences started with the woman announcing that she doesn’t have first date sex. Just like men, women announce a lot of things that turn out to be bullshit or to seriously lack foundation. This is just not unusual at all.”

                I have to agree with this. It’s akin to “I’m not eating dessert, I’m going to be good…” which I’ve heard a thousand times. Uh, did anyone ask you? Why do you need to bring something up that you aren’t intending on doing? Clearly, you have it on your mind.

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                • DrivingMeNutes Says:

                  Exactly. If the conversation is oddly moving to sex, you are likely being played. And, gee, I can’t remember why we started talking about it. Ha, go see “Inception.”

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              • Willywonka Says:

                I agree with you completely. It’s not unusual AT ALL. It happens all the time. That’s not the part that’s baffling. What’s baffling to me is that someone would go to this extreme – fucking with somebody’s feelings to this degree – just to get laid. I will never, EVER understand it.

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        • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

          He said that he was not trying to sleep with me, and I believe him. Firstly, because I told him about two hours into the date that I wasn’t going to sleep with him that night, and he kept the date going for FIVE more hours. If that’s what he was after and I specifically told him I wasn’t going to give it to him, why not say goodnight at that point instead of wasting five more hours of my life? The second reason I believe him is because he was very respectful during our make-out session. He never pressured me to go any further than I wanted to.

          Here’s what concerns me.

          You’re still defending this guy.

          His manifesto in response to your ill advised request for an answer just stroked his massive ego, showing what a self-important ass clown he was. He wasn’t being honest. He just knew he had a captive audience so he went wild with the keyboard.

          I’m going to go out on a limb and say I believe that he didn’t want sex. He wanted attention. He favorited you so you’d respond to him. He kept you out for hours because he enjoyed your reactions and attention. And he wrote his little missive because you expressed interest in his opinions. He’s an attention whore.

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          • Willywonka Says:

            I’m not defending him. I think he’s a douche. And I agree with you. He could’ve explained in one sentence instead writing three pages of crap.

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  9. Trouble Says:

    I don’t really see the red flags in this date, up until the guy ended it. No telling what his text said. Why try to interpret every single act through the lens of paranoia? Deal with the obvious stuff, the rest is really hard to interpret.

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    • Trouble Says:

      Actually, reconsidering…Never let a first date extend for 7 hours. By doing so, you got more and more emotionally engaged with this guy, and I’m pretty sure that his plan was to eventually score. Also, announcing that you aren’t going to be having first date sex with him was counter-productive, because it inadvertently sends the opposite message. Women who don’t have sex on the first date don’t let a first date go on for hours and hours, getting more and more lured in by a guy they barely know.

      In the future, if you really have no plans to screw on the first date, don’t spend more than an hour or so on a first date. Have somewhere else to be. Do a lunch date, with a fixed end time. Get to know the person gradually, over time, a little bit at a time. These massively long dates with no ending usually only end in sex. Been there, done that. Men know how we work. They know that if they act really romantic on that first date, they will trigger all of our princess fantasies, and we will think they are super into us, and we’ll be lulled into a false sense of security with them. Don’t put yourself in this situation. Don’t get too emotionally engaged after a single meeting with a guy. Take some time, use your brain, and protect your heart.

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      • Willywonka Says:

        Good advice, but even though I apparently said and did all the wrong things and so I guess this was all my fault (as usual), I was honest and sincere and didn’t play games with someone else’s feelings. Regardless of whatever mistakes I may have made, this guy is still a dick in my opinion.

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        • Trouble Says:

          Nobody is implying that “this is all your fault.” The guy was probably looking to pump and dump you, which makes him a bad person in my book. And, clearly, you were hurt by this situation. People (including me) are giving you feedback for ways that you can avoid experiencing that sort of thing in the future. Just accept that the situation happened, that you played a role in allowing yourself to get sucked into his game, learn from that experience, and move on. Don’t get all defensive, many of us have been there, done that, and lived to tell the stories.

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