Has The Fear of Rejection Increased for Men?

Here’s an excerpt from a blog that linked back to this weekend’s post about dating leagues.

Badger made an excellent point in his post Cattiness and the un-selected-man.  He pointed out that when women like the Gizmodo blogger shred a date they deem unworthy they raise the risk level men perceive in traditional dating:

It’s not enough for a man to be politely rejected and sent on his way; you have to be humiliated, placed in the virtual stocks so that the world knows the insufferable wrong you’ve inflicted on her by not being good enough for her dreams.

…it only has to happen once before a guy replays the movie in his head every time he considers approaching a woman, and oftentimes decides not to even when he might be slated for success.

What women like are doing by punishing men they deem unworthy is raising the searching costs associated with finding a mate in the traditional way.  They don’t perceive a loss to themselves by doing this because searching costs are born almost exclusively by men when women are young (at least under the traditional model).  It isn’t just the threat of nuclear rejection which has raised the cost of traditional dating for men however, it is the additional uncertainty which men experience as women move more and more towards full fledged choice addiction.

 

And then there’s this, about blogging and social media

I don’t understand why public trashing of unworthy men (or men who spurned them) is such an intense passion of young female blogresses; the orgasms of anger and seeking of support from the echo-chamber comments was/is the most pathetic element of whiny Ally McBeal-esque blogs …….. My theory is that they were raised to think they would have it all, and commitment from worthy men is the final frontier they haven’t crossed, the one thing that no one can mandate they receive, that no Reviving Ophelia movement or special workplace initiative can give them. I’m loath to scapegoat feminism when Occam’s Razor gives us closer, simpler causes – our increasingly narcissistic, status-obssessed society, and Millenial helicopter parenting that sought to ensure nothing bad would ever happen to them.

Interesting. Has the fear of rejection gotten worse for men? Why or why not?

And how much does social media and blogging contribute to this perceived increased fear?

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53 Responses to “Has The Fear of Rejection Increased for Men?”

  1. Amy Kovach Says:

    I can’t speak definitively, but I would think that it has increased. Blogging and the internet as a whole has opened up a platform for what used to be only thought about but left unspoken. Now all the minutiae is shared ad nauseum and it definitely could cause insecurity.
    Times past, a woman had a bad date and told a girlfriend or two and they dissected it, laughed or sighed or rolled their eyes over a drink and that was the end of it. Now it’s all out there for the virtual world to see – and only HER side of it. I can certainly see how it would be terrifying and make some men feel powerless and hesitant. Maybe it’s not the fear of rejection – maybe it’s the fear of PUBLIC rejection.

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    • Charlie Says:

      Rejection doesn’t have to be public to really sting.

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    • Andrew Says:

      Fear of rejection has increased with both genders. Blame it on the instant gratification have-it-all myth. Blame on the modern obsession with the unattainable. Blame it on people being more materialistic. Men see it frontal; women see it indirectly by not being asked. Men are actually lucky. Because we can easily turn around and ask someone else. Women can even the stakes by asking too, and I am well aware of the pitfalls here. I, however, do know women who have made the first approach, and ending getting married to that guy.

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      • bill Says:

        I met a wonderful couple where the women made the approach at the bar. They are so happy together but than again she married a guy who found her super attractive.

        It isn’t that women asking out guys doesn’t work or end up in marriage. 99.9% of the time women only ask out men that are way above there league. So one disappointment generally ends up them not asking out guys again.

        Now if women actually ask out men who are geniuenly interested in them. It would work 99% of the time. Thats what men do too from there experience with women.

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  2. Charlie Says:

    The scenario of the man replaying his worst rejections is very familiar. I know I did it for a long time with the first girl who really crushed me and after starting again I now I do it with the last girl who did so. It’s really hard to approach someone when all you can think about is the string of women who used you, lied to your face, or decided you were not good enough or whatnot.

    While reading the original posts I ran across something related I hadn’t heard of before. Apparently there is a “men going their own way” “movement” where the men have decided it’s no longer worth it to even try. Its really damn sad that there are that many shut down men out there. I also almost want to hate myself for saying that the original article makes the best case for using the PUA crap I’ve ever read and that I almost wanted to try it for a second. It makes sense now how dbags can have almost unending confidence when you realize their tricks are all about minimizing emotional investment before any possibility for rejection.

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    • Crotch Rocket Says:

      “the original article makes the best case for using the PUA crap I’ve ever read and that I almost wanted to try it for a second.” I figured that out on my own in my early 20s. I was sick of getting rejected by women, who all seemed to prefer the dbags that were only interested in pumping and dumping them. So, I became one of the dbags myself, and within weeks there wasn’t enough time in the day to screw all the women throwing themselves at me. However, it ate at me inside until I was finally forced to admit that’s just not who I wanted to be–and those weren’t the women I wanted to be with.

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      • Charlie Says:

        Yeah, as much as I wish I could be one of those guys and have the successes they do, I know it’s just not me.

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  3. D Says:

    I don’t know if fear of rejection has increased per se, but it definitely looms large when I think about approaching a girl. It’s also why I do use the “PUA crap” Charlie mentioned.

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  4. Trouble Says:

    My son is 13 and has expressed to me recently that he (and his friends) don’t believe that they have to pursue girls. They wait for the girls to come to them, thus letting the girls take all of the emotional risks.

    I haven’t really tried to dissuade him from this tactic, mainly because it appears to be working for him…girls in his age group seem perfectly willing to pursue him. I figure that if it stops working for him, he’ll change things up.

    However, he has told me that he doesn’t like obviously pursuing girls…it appears to him that the risk of being embarrassed is greater than the possible rewards of catching the girl.

    I have no idea if he is representative of a larger trend, but I suspect he might be. As women become more dominant in society, I think that many men are willing to sit back and let women do all of the work.

    And, women who castigate and humiliate men who are willing to step up and try have only themselves to blame.

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    • bill Says:

      The ones that obviously pursue your son is probably not as attractive as the ones that take there time to pursue him.

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      • Trouble Says:

        Yes, but the tradeoff is that they’re easier to catch, and if they don’t meet his minimum threshold of attractiveness, he doesn’t “date” them. How does that make him different from most grown men? ;)

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        • dina Says:

          sounds like someone needs an ego check… picking up the low laying fruit says he’s not all that himself.

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          • bill Says:

            Guys who date girls who chase them. The men generally do not ever want to catch them. They just want a fun time.

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    • Dalrock Says:

      However, he has told me that he doesn’t like obviously pursuing girls…it appears to him that the risk of being embarrassed is greater than the possible rewards of catching the girl.

      Your son is intuitively understanding a risk which the rest of us have been socially conditioned to not understand. Women are attracted to men who they see are wanted by other women. The term is pre selection, and it is very real. A boy who is seen as approaching a girl and is shot down is instantly less attractive to other girls in the same social group. This isn’t to say that men should never approach women, but in a closed social group the risk associated with rejection is higher. PUAs get past this risk by learning how to read women’s signals of attraction (IOIs) and casting a wide net. The women they have success with make them more attractive to others. Success begets success, as nearly every man has noticed at one point or another, even if they don’t understand exactly why.

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      • Crotch Rocket Says:

        “Women are attracted to men who they see are wanted by other women.” Indeed. A guy can go years without a woman hitting on him, but as soon word gets around that he has a girlfriend/wife, he is besieged by other women who would have rejected him the day before. Many women assume that, if some other woman thinks a guy is worth having around, she should think so too (and try to “steal” him away). Meanwhile, they’re rejecting other guys who are available, assuming something must be wrong with them if they’re single.

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  5. DrivingMeNutes Says:

    I don’t think fear of rejection has gotten worse. If there has been a change at all, I’d say the price of approaching women isn’t higher, it is that the cost of the alternative for men has gotten cheaper. Similar to what that New York Post article said a few weeks ago. Why approach and run any risk if you don’t have to?

    I don’t think the prevelance of dating “shaming” blogs has changed anything. I don’t doubt that men may avoid dating women who write such a blog (or show indiscretion on facebook or otherwise) but I don’t think that this makes men fear rejection more in general. I don’t worry, when I meet someone new, that she may be writing a blog. I don’t even think about it, and I’m someone who actually reads them. So, the guys who worry about blog shaming, I suspect, are few and far between. I also think that anyone – man or woman – that is consistently rejected by romantic partners is simply suffering from unreasonable expectations ie shooting out of their league. I read these posts from guys having trouble with women and I can see no other explanation. I have said this before, why do I not have trouble? I am not in fact brad pitt. And, I’m actually pretty shy. Guys who are having trouble are unattractive to the women they are shooting for and refuse to accept it. It is that simple. It isn’t that the women rejecting them are too picky. Same for the women having trouble, I’d guess.

    No, this comes down to people having more options. Both women and men. And, as always, I am suspicious of anyone that argues that more options is a bad thing. It usually means they can’t compete in the free market.

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    • dina Says:

      there are many men and women who will pick up the low laying fruit because it’s easier and competition can be challenging to some.

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      • Brad Says:

        dina, I think ‘low hanging fruit’ is the phrase you are looking for.

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        • dina Says:

          yes, low hanging fruit. thanks :)

          but lay could be the operative word for some women when you think about it. some women are just like peanut butter and spread for the bread.

          someone told me an old adage once… a stiff d*ck has no conscience and a wet p*ssy has no pride.

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          • dina Says:

            to those who “dislike”, you dislike because you know it’s true. it would be best if all the little boys and girls kept their hands to themselves and played nice instead of wanting instant gratification all the time.

            i know you guys believe that if a girl gives you some action it must be because she finds you so HOT! no, not quite. she’s just acting out of pressure and insecurity. yes, that’s right. it’s true ladies and you know it is. to those who say it’s not, you’re lying.

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            • dimplz Says:

              I think they thumbed you down because your statement has misogynist undertones and speaks for all women. While I happen to be conservative, I’m not naive enough to think everyone thinks the way I do. Neither should you.

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              • dina Says:

                i’m conservative myself. but i know from experience, that all those girls who give it up so easily have inspired these boys to be misogynist and now these boys expect it of all women. holding back and saying no frustrates them and to make it worse, they believe the holding back is just a ploy or a game and that with just a little more pressure, they’ll get what they want.

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                • dimplz Says:

                  I’m not happy with the negative portrayals of women either, but just like everything else, you have some positive role models and some negative. Same goes for men. It seems unfair to paint all men with negative stereotype. I know many men who don’t use women and certainly don’t sleep around. Maybe you’re surrounding yourself with the wrong people or watching too much reality television.

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                • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

                  That’s because many times when women holds back onhaving sex it IS a game. The better word is strategy. And its a strategy that usually gets the woman pumped and dumped or just dumped. these women use the promise of eventual sex thinking the longer they wait the less likely it will be that theygetdumped. between the growing number of women who think having sex right away will score them points to the growing number of women who don’t want relationships and the growing number of women who don’t have hang ups regarding sex, the women holding out for no other reason than to buy themselves time are getting blown off.

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                  • dina Says:

                    if these women use the promise of eventual sex thinking the longer they wait the less likely it will be they get dumped and are trying to buy themselves time… well, then… it sounds like they don’t really have any kind of a relationship at all. and if they are getting blown off because of it, then that just proves the guy isn’t in to her in the first place and just looking for action. in that case, she was right in holding out.

                    any guy looking for instant gratification isn’t in to you. okay? get it ladies? if he was really in to you, he’d be afraid to make a move, afraid it would offend you and ruin his chances at really being with you. do you get it now?

                    dating 101. remember what your parents told you.

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            • Vox Says:

              I gave you a thumbs down because of your line that a wet P has no pride. My sexual arousal does not lead me to act in an unbecoming way – because I am an adult who does not run her life in accordance to my sexual desires. What a stupid idiom… If you find it
              to be accurate, you are speaking for yourself, not the rest of us.

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              • dina Says:

                if the idiom doesn’t apply to you, then why are you upset by it? you completely missed the meaning of it. it applies to those situations when the guy just used the girl to get his rocks off and the girl accommodated him thinking it was leading to something meaningful and then realizing later his intentions were purely self motivated and feeling stupid over it. that’s what that idiom means.

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                • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

                  But you’re talking as though “all” men are like this when they’re not. In some cases the men lie to get laid. But I think the most likely scenario is that the woman made assumptions about wherethings were headed or how the guy felt because she deluded herself. Into believing she and the man had some magical connection.

                  You’re also excluding all the women who agree to sex feigning confidence in that choice.

                  You’re putting an awful lot of the blame on men when some of it belongs to the woman, too.

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                  • dina Says:

                    “many” men are like this. if the guy lied or the girl deluded herself, the consequences of those actions might be he feels proud of himself or indifferent and she might feel used or feign indifference to spare feeling hurt.

                    i’m not putting any more blame on men then on women. they are each responsible for their own actions. i wish the girls showed a little more class and stopped acting like men… when women start acting as sexually aggressive as men what you have is basically two men in bed — energetically speaking. where’s the chase? men are hunters? what’s the point in handing it over to them then? if i was a guy, i’d walk away from a girl who gave it up so easily too.

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                    • dina Says:

                      pleeze, all you who “dislike” dislike because you know it’s true. if it wasn’t true then you’d state your rebuttal and since you haven’t, it means you don’t have one.

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                    • Dimplz Says:

                      Dina, if you can’t handle the thumbs down, don’t comment. Look at the commenting policy. If you require a rebuttal for every provocative response, you’re trolling. Many people disagree with you. You sound crazy getting upset about some dumb thumbs down symbols. Get over it. You have your opinions and we have ours. End of story.

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                    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

                      Seriously. Drop it. Its an anonymous commenting system. nobody owes you an explanation as to why they voted you up or down.

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    • Charlie Says:

      “I don’t think fear of rejection has gotten worse. If there has been a change at all, I’d say the price of approaching women isn’t higher, it is that the cost of the alternative for men has gotten cheaper.”

      While this is probably not the direction you were intending, you reminded me of an article where the author was complaining about how men would rather “stay home and play XBOX” instead of go out and mingle/ask women out. When you consider the emotional investment and emotional risks involved with both activities, it’s not particularly surprising that so many men are choosing easy alternatives like staying home and playing games with their buddies (or aiming for what they perceive to be an easier to pursue woman, which may be more in line with your intent?).

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  6. nathan Says:

    Twenty two years ago, when I was 13, I felt that same risk of embarrassment and did not do much to pursue girls. And at the same time, I had a few girls who did make efforts to pursue me. Honestly, when it comes to teenagers, it’s difficult to know what’s up and what’s down. Those same girls who pursued at 13 seemed to step back and want to be pursued at 20. So, I don’t know if any of what your son is dealing with – Trouble – is all that new.

    I do agree though that the presence of online channels to vent, commiserate, and justify negative, selfish behavior has probably increased the prevalence of brutal rejections. It’s actually something I have not personally experienced – having a woman flip on me for asking her out, so whatever trepidation I feel doesn’t really come from replaying rejections.

    If anything, I think back to all the conversations in classrooms during high school and college about “appropriate boundaries,” which seemed to be frequently linked with discussions about sexual harassment. It seems to me that back then, there was a failure of balance. We heard mostly about what not to do, and were left with little sense of what might constitute healthy dating and sexual behavior. I know that still occasionally worry about “being too forward,” when in reality I tend to be too reserved until I know someone well.

    In my case, it probably didn’t help much that my first long term girlfriend worked at a battered women’s shelter, and her and I spent copious amounts of time lobbying for legislative changes to support women in crisis. All that work was so necessary and still is, but if you’re constantly surrounded by examples of how things can go so terribly wrong, it’s hard to let go and be naturally confident about something so simple as asking someone out on a date.

    Maybe you all might want to consider, though, that the fear of rejection amongst more men is actually a sign of the power shifting away from male dominance. That men in the past could display an easy confidence in part because women had less freedom to reject. And if you add that to what I described above, it might help some of the women here understand why more men are less willing to place themselves totally out there all the time, and/or do the old power pursing type thing. It’s not just about fears of getting slammed, it’s a gut level sense that the sands beneath our feet are shifting around, and the old ways of approaching dating don’t work as often as in the past.

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  7. bill Says:

    * There are always the group of men that fear rejection, a group of men that overcome rejection/become players, and the group of men that are in between.

    * It is the perception of more options. In reality there aren’t more options it just seem like there are more. There will always be a certain kind of people who will want to date you, somewhat, and fun for now. You have to decipher which/what you want.

    * The number one issue for single people men & women. If that person is amazing to them they do not care about rejection. If the prize is that amazing whatever the amount of rejection it takes it doesn’t seem like anything.

    * This topic is popular among women because they have created a new rational. Why men they want are afraid of making plans/asking them out/ and etc. I have seen this tactic before. Men don’t want to ask you out not because they are scared. The main reason your not that amazing for us to take the risk. Or were just not attracted to you.

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  8. dan Says:

    Rejecton, at the approach stage, is not what bothers me. If I see a girl I like I go for it–you only live once. In fact, one of the guys who inspired me was named Roosh and he has a blog and a book titled, “Bang.” Now before all you ladies get on me for that read on. The problem I find is that once a guy gets past the approach and to the initial stages of dating he has entered the most dangerous point. Most rejection happens there. That’s what somewhat bothers me. And I think that fact–plus the fear of rejection– has men wanting sex faster and at the initial stage rather than waiting. Why bother getting to know a women if a majority of the time she’ll find another “trained monkey” and leave you after the time and moneyyou have invested? It has happened to me several times and now I push for sex faster.

    This brings me to my next point. Women seem to think and feel that the way men behave has nothing to do with them and, hence, the popularity of these women’s self-help book and blogs. A lot of men’s behavior stems from how women have treated us and is a “reaction.” It’s a vicious circle.

    Oh and for thos characters who “wait” for women to come to them. Once you get older that will change. You best develop some player skills. This happened to a friend of mine. Women would come up to him when he was younger but, as soon as he got older, it stopped. Now, he gets no acton because he ahs no skills.

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    • Saj Says:

      That’s interesting. It’s like men know that sex will bond a woman to a man prematurely and try to use that as a defense mechanism against rejection thus pushing for it faster. If that’s the case you would see more compassion towards woman not wanting their brains all clouded by waiting a bit on the sex but there doesn’t seem to be that either. Everyone for themselves it seems.

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  9. Mike Felber Says:

    Many men & woman continue to show stereotypical contempt for the opposite sex, usually based upon ignorant, shallow & materialistic standards. The blogger was mean & has been utterly exposed & condemned, the good being to reject her dehumanizing & nasty attitude. It happened that he is a world champion, wealthy, pretty good looking-so it is ironic that he has much more status or “hand” than her. Though does someone need to have said saleability to be respected, & very possibly her/another’s “better: in maturity, ethics & intelligence?

    Yes, vicious &/or belittling attacks on someone will cause some to be gun shy. Mainly it hurts the one who acts this way, at least in terms of their ultimate happiness, & the bad karma they attract. In this case exponentially so.

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  10. Ronnie Libra Says:

    Guys need to GET OVER IT. Here’s the facts about me:

    I have been rejected more than probably anyone reading this article. No really. I think it might be safe to say I have been rejected far more than you.

    But here’s a little secret. I have probably had more awesome experiences; dating, sexual; etc, than most guys out there in the world.

    Let’s skip the creativity and shitty pick up lines. Let’s skip the fact that girls are picky. I approach EVERY woman I can and every chance I get. The key is, the more you approach = the more you get rejected = the more Action you will get. Trust!

    For every shitty reaction I get from some chick who wants to try and embarrass me for approaching her there are 10 that smile and about 2 or three that, whether they accept a date with me or not, will literally THANK me.

    Seriously. They will say, “Thank you! I’m already dating someone (or married or whatever – ya, I’m not good at looking at the rings) but you have totally made my day!”

    They may say, “Let me tell you this; “There needs to be more men like you! Men are such pussies these days.”

    Example from today. Within probably 20 minutes 1 girl said, “This is my fucking wedding ring!” but she was smiling. She couldn’t help it.

    The next girl said, “You’re so cute… but I’m already taken.”

    The next girl smiled, and laughed and took off, but in that case I wasn’t really trying to ask her out. Just banter to keep my momentum going. Sometimes it’s when you aren’t trying to close them that they will suddenly pull out their phone and ask for your phone number.

    And then, of course, there are the ones that… Well, let’s just say they give me a HUGE thankyou later on…

    Guys need to do 2 things.
    1. Grow Balls and approach women.
    2. Do it with a good vibe, not a trashy “I’m a sleazy, desperate bastard that just wants sex.” kind of way.
    3. Be creative. Sure if time doesn’t allow it get straight to the point, but if you can think of something better than, “Hey… You’re hot!” you are already way ahead of the curve.

    Man up, Gentlemen – Thanks to all the millions of guys taking themselves out of the game, the Game has gotten easier…

    PS – I just smiled at a Girl walking by the Starbucks I am writing this at, she gave me a HUGE smile back.

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    • Common Sense Says:

      Thank you for this advice, exactly what I needed to hear.

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      • nathan Says:

        Thanks for the advice, but I’m not interested in “the Game” anymore.

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        • Angeline Says:

          This doesn’t sound like ‘Game’ to me – while he might very well be employing game once he makes the approach, it seems to be more about saying, “Keep at it. Keep asking. Put yourself out there.” Which is good advice for either gender, as you’ve pointed out. You’ve actually made me reconsider that whole ‘wait and see’ thing, but I’m a good bit older that you, and that was the (only) accepted mode in my age group, and still is with a lot of guys my age. But if I was dating, I’d be a lot more proactive within those age/gender constraints than I used to be, based on some of the things you’ve said about it – most especially, why would you put your fate into the hands of chance? and possibly miss out? It’s good advice.

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          • nathan Says:

            You’re right Angeline. I agree with the general point to not let rejection get in the way, and to keep trying. I think I reacted to the idea of constantly approaching women in Ronnie’s post. That might be a great way to get “some action,” but it feels like an excessive energy expenditure if your goal is a long term relationship.

            As you noted, I’m all for being more proactive, and not standing on whatever people think is “standard” or “traditional” – especially if it’s not working. Furthermore, I think it’s generally a great thing if you can being a smile to someone’s face. However, I’m not convinced that simply approaching more women in public (or women approaching more men in public) is going to increase the odds of finding a great partner. It might increase your confidence, which will increase your attractiveness, but at some point, you have to get more specific and focused about dating. That is, if a long term relationship is your goal.

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            • Crotch Rocket Says:

              “I’m not convinced that simply approaching more [people] is going to increase the odds of finding a great partner.” The more people you’re exposed to, the better the odds that you’ll find someone great. It’s simple math.

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              • Kurt Says:

                That is true only if the inexperienced man doing the approaches at least achieves some success along the way. If he does nothing but fail, he’ll eventually shatter his confidence.

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                • Angeline Says:

                  I think it’s going to increase his odds of meeting women who don’t react with the spoiled Princess attitude of “you’re talking to ME?” As a person nearly crippled by shyness as a kid, who *had* to overcome it on the job, making yourself make that first contact is a boost all by itself. Practicing looking directly at people, smiling, saying hello, leads to all sorts of contact – some good, some not so good. Upping the numbers ups the chances that it will balance out.

                  If someone is so fragile or so lacks perspective they can’t realize that a nasty reaction means “asshole, move on” then dating is going to be an uphill climb anyway.

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    • dave Says:

      “Man up, Gentlemen?” – Gee, how sweet! If so many millions of guys think that this “wonderful” game is not worth their while, maybe it is the WOMEN who should “women up” and learn some social skills. Oh, I’m sorry! I forgot that you are not supposed to criticize women! My bad!

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  11. Steve From the City Next Door Says:

    I do think social media causes problems. This may not be such a problem in a place like NYC but where I have lived it seems like everyone has a friend in common. If someone complains about me on facebook, a lot of my potential partners will see that. And friends are likely to see it. It takes down my socal proof.

    Pre-facebook at the small college I attended I had girl I dated for awhile bad mouth me. Yes, I happened to catch her in the act. I was wondering why I would get a date set and then a day or two later I would get cancelled on.

    I think also the problem of the women being nasty right there is a big problem. I have experiaced a few times. Usually that totally aghast look but sometimes a lot more.

    I agree that another problem is the paying for 3 or 4 dates and then all of sudden you get rejected…usually some silly reason or one that they knew about long before.

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  12. bill Says:

    The problem I see is that too many people today; men and women are always working towards minimizing rejection.

    The higher/greater amount the rejection the higher the amount of satisfaction received. If you are a men/women who go after something they crave, and turn it into a long term relationship and etc. You are going to super damn happy.

    Men & women are getting lazy. Women generally have a higher requirement than men in what makes them happy.

    That is the main reason why most women have to settle because they do not go after what they desire because they are tooooooo lazy.

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  13. Echo chamber crusher Says:

    Personally I can’t believe this is still such a heavily debated topic in the second decade of the 21st century. I don’t understand what approaching women and handling rejection has to do with ‘growing balls’, er I mean a guy already has them whether he approaches women or not. It’s funny how the dating traditionalists are usually the ones who have to resort to the name calling.
    There is such a thing as self respect and pride and even though it is a painfully gradual process I think more men are finally getting wise to the fact that more women need to show respect, even in the beginning of initiating a dating attempt. Perhaps more men are finally getting wise and standing up to the me me me self centered attitudes of so many brainwashed women these days. The fact that so many of these so called self proclaimed ‘alpha males’, players or whatever other titles are afforded to them along with so many of these self centered unempathetic women who lash out at men who civily challenge the traditional dating paradigm shows their true characters. Yes indeed you judge a tree by its fruit and clearly this shows in others behaviors both on and offline.

    I’ll be straightforward here, men are expected to be the ones to risk getting their feelings hurt because the human male has always been the disposable gender. Women are free to be the type of person they want to be while men are expected to be men without consideration for their feelings and different personality traits. Until these unfair gender behavior expectations placed upon men come to an end all men will continue to place ridiculous burdens upon themselves. However I actually blame men for their own hardships more than the women. I do thank God that more men (and women though gradually) are starting to become more empathetic and compassionate towards the other gender’s feelings and stand up to the pathetic conservative masculinist ideology which places way unfair hypermasculine behavior expectations upon men. In the end these hypermasculine gender expectations hurt both men and women.

    I’ll end my post with a few words. I’m not saying that women should be forced to take on the role of rejection that men always have but they can at least be a bit more understanding and compassionate about mens’ fears instead of taunting them. More men would respect women if this happened more. Also, not everybody is the same and not all men get their energy or what some would say ‘masculine energy’ through the challenge of the chase but many of us get ample satisfaction in this area through our careers, jobs, hobbies, volunteering and/or military service. Many of us men just want dating to be a bit easier and to be with someone who like us for being ourselves. No one should have to blindly approach nor pursue anybody but instead why not drop the facades and both genders meet each other halfway, even in the beginning? Afterall dating would be so much easier this way. If more men cleared the overdose of testosterone from their heads and more women ditched their entitlement attitudes dating would be so much easier. Obviously many people do not want this for their own reasons.

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  14. Mark Says:

    While men and women have dealt with rejection in it’s various forms from time immemorial, it’s safe to say nobody likes it. You take stock and deal with it as best you can. We are all aware of the Golden Rule about treating others as we would like to be treated. Unfortunately, some people never learned that in kindergarden or have forgotten it completely.

    What really upsets people is ridicule. Private is bad enough, but in this instance it was a public blog that dealt with a name. That’s beyond the pale. No need for that, not for any age group or demographic.

    Technology has allowed instant communication that enables us to reach an audience. Potentially a large audience. Intended or otherwise. The thing is, once it’s put it there you cannot take it back. So think twice about what you say/write before putting something like that out there.

    As a side note: Karma- be very careful with it, because what goes around comes around. Usually at the worst time possible.

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  15. Ajx Says:

    Imagine that every time you wanted to go on a first date to a guy, you first had to get up and speak in front of a full classroom or conference. Imagine you are walking down the aisle in the grocery store and a tall, attractive man turns towards you and is about to say something, when suddenly everything freezes and you find yourself sitting in a high-school classroom, being told that next week you will be expected to speak in front of the class, alone, for 15 minutes about an assigned topic. Remember that feeling of dread you used to get when the teacher made that announcement? That is precisely how it feels for most men when they are faced with approaching a random hot girl for the first time.

    But it isn’t even that simple. For the analogy to be accurate, you won’t only have to swallow your pride, get up there, and do the presentation, but you will actually have to achieve a grade of 80 % or higher if you want the guy to ask for your phone number. It will be difficult to present the material naturally when you are nervous, because you will probably rush through it, maybe forget certain details, or speak too quietly. You posture will matter a lot too, but it is difficult to stand up straight when you are nervous. So your nerves will not only make accepting the challenge difficult, but they also destroy your chances of earning the requisite 80 %. Actually summoning up the guts to push through that initial fear is nowhere near enough.

    Don’t forget that in addition to the quality of your public speaking itself, the content of your presentation will need to be interesting and original. You won’t be able to impress the class or the teacher with mere poise; you will also have to show them that you know what you are talking about – that you are intelligent and understand the material well. At the same time, you shouldn’t overdo this demonstration, because if you try too hard to impress them, it will be obvious that your knowledge isn’t organic, that it was rehearsed for this event only.

    There is more. Remember that you will be graded on a curve, relative to the other students giving presentations – just like a man is always judged relative to a woman’s other male options. And there will always be other students in the class that are naturally more gifted than you. Remember that nerd that always looked like he owned the class when he got up there to give his presentation? Not only was he confident, but he also made it painfully clear that he knew exactly what he was talking about – probably better even than the teacher. You were the first in the class to present, and he was one of the last students. Trying to get a better grade on your presentation than that kid is what it is like for most guys who want to talk to that beautiful brunette in the corner, who is standing right next to a 6’3″ athletic, good-looking and cocky guy, who has probably bedded dozens of girls like her. You got up in front of the class to compete with the nerd because your teacher required it. Would you have done it if you’d been given the chance to opt out? What motivation does the guy in the bar have to challenge himself?

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