How Does He Fight The Urge to Cheat?

Name: Zean
State: NY
Age: 32
Comment: Hello Moxie,
I’ve been with my girlfriend for almost 4 years.  I am going to ask her to marry me this year and I’d like to start a family with her. However, I can’t stop looking at other women and I often wonder what it would be like to have sex with another women. I’ve had chances on business trips but I have not acted on them.  The last one (and fifth chance since I’ve been with her) was on a business trip last week and I flirted a little and so did she. But, I realized what I was doing, got freaked and left the situation.

I know looking and lusting for others is natural and this isn’t the first relationship I’ve been in but she’s the one. I don’t want to flirt with other women and I don’t want to come any closer to another woman.  And this women was also attractive so it’s not a case of not wanting to sleep with her anyway. My problem is that I think of other women and I want to stop thinking of other women.  Thinking of other women eventually seems to lead to cheating. I don’t want to date anyone else and I enjoy spending time with my girlfriend. She’s one of my best friends. I talk about almost everything with her but certainly not this issue. I want to come home to her, watch movies with her, walk around with her, eat dinner and cook with her and I want to have sex with her too. I’m attracted to her and yes, the sex life has ups and downs but I’m still generally satisfied. I have no doubts about marrying her.

I don’t like seeing a woman and thinking about what it would be like to have sex with that person because it seems to lead to acting on it.   I have three good friends and two are married (and one has children).  Both of the married ones have cheated on their wives and say it’s “natural” to look and want to have other women.  They both told me it helps their marriage because they don’t have to leave the marriage and that they love their wives. I don’t buy that rationalization and it’ll bite them back later. My other friend is in a 2 year relationship and has cheated on his girlfriend a few times yet claims he loves her.  I can’t beleive how many of my other acquantences have also cheated and think nothing of it. I have never cheated on any girlfriend and I don’t want to.

I told them that I don’t understand it and I’m afraid of cheating.  They’re somewhat understanding of my feeling but they say (paraphrasing), ‘You’ll see. We’re not built like women. There are too many women to stay with one sexually but if you find a good one, then marry her.’  Neither of the women are aware and none would be too happy knowing this. Of course, I have to deal with some jokes about how I’m really a “woman.” I don’t want to end up like my friends, who, as I’ve warned them, are headed towards divorce.

So, I guess my questions are:
1) Does it ever go away? Does the urge get stronger the longer that you’re in a relationship?  This is the longest relationship I’ve been in (and I’m 32).  I’ve had two relationships that lasted about a little less than a year each (with some various dating for a month or 6 months and in between.) I’ve always looked at other women but I figured it was natural. I thought that it would stop when I met the girl I want to marry. But, it hasn’t.  I don’t want to have a child with her and then cheat on her.

2) Do women feel like this? I can’t ask my female friends because they’ll just think I’m a jerk for even thinking of anyone other than my girlfriend.  I assume women still look but do they think, “I’d like to have sex with that guy,” when they’re happily in a relationship? Once a woman is in a relationship, why does it seem they’re more okay with not being attracted to other men, than men are? Or why does it seem they can control their urges better?
I wish there was a pill you could take that would only make you attracted to the person you love. Then all this would be easier.
Thanks for reading this.

 

why does it seem they’re more okay with not being attracted to other men, than men are? Or why does it seem they can control their urges better?

The key word here is “seem.” This is how you perceive the situation, probably because you don’t hear of or see and stories about women sending pics of their boobs or vaginas to 18 year old college studs or tales of nailing their assistants or nannies in some oval office. It’s been widely documented that men and women cheat equally. So we do experience the some of same primal urges and inner conflict. I think a big reason why fewer women are outed for their indiscretions is because the guys we’re having sex with are just in it for the sex. They don’t really care if we never leave our boyfriends or husbands. Therefore, there is no need to seek revenge or any form of retribution. That, I think, is a primarily female thing to do, again playing in to the competitive nature that many women possess. That’s why, in almost every cheesy movie about adultery, there’s usually a showdown between the wife/girlfriend and the mistress. That’s what it (bunny) boils down to in most cases. A misguided competition. The mistress completely overlooks the fact that this guy she’s fighting over is cheating on his significant other, thereby making him an ass.  So what does that make her? It makes her a crazy bitch fighting to “keep” or “have” a douchebag. Pointless. Smart women who engage these types of unavailable men do it for the sex only. They recognize the man’s critical flaws. They don’t want them in any other capacity.  Unfortunately many women resort to confronting or contacting the GF/Wife “to warn her.”  Usually it’s just an attempt to knock the other woman out of contention or a way to cause the man pain because she’s in pain. Many say that they’re trying to help or looking out for the other woman, but they’re not. (Some are genuine with this, but I think they are exceptions to the rule and not the rule.) Trust me, ladies. If a guy truly is the lying or cheating douchebag you believe him to be (and he often is), that woman will figure it out soon enough. If she doesn’t, then that’s only because she doesn’t want to. In which case there is no saving her.

I can’t believe how many of my other acquantences have also cheated and think nothing of it. I have never cheated on any girlfriend and I don’t want to.

Is it that you don’t want to cheat, or is it that you’re afraid to? Because, to me, it doesn’t sounds like you resent your friends for cheating. It sounds like you resent their ability to do it and not feel guilty. Which, to me, says you do want to have sex with these women, but your fear of the overwhelming guilt is what is preventing you from doing so. Not some altruistic belief or because you strongly feel cheating is wrong.You’re quite busy shaming your male counterparts in this letter, and all that ever says to me is that the person doing the shaming is the one feeling the shame.

I wish there was a pill you could take that would only make you attracted to the person you love. Then all this would be easier.

Forgive the analogy, but it’s like a pedophile taking all kinds of medications to quell their sexual urges. It might prevent them from molesting a child, but it doesn’t not make them a pedophile.  The threat is still and will always be present, whether it’s acted upon or not. As long as those feelings are there and are as strong as they appear to be for you, you’ve got a problem, and getting married isn’t going to make it go away.

Thinking of other women eventually seems to lead to cheating.

I’m not sure I agree with this. I think the more accurate explanation is that thinking of cheating leads to cheating.  You’re not just consumed with the idea of having sex with these other women. You’re fixated on the cheating part.  That’s what is concerning to me. You’re focused on the part that involves acting upon those urges.  Not just the urges themselves.

The desire is always going to be there. It doesn’t go away. That it seems, based on the urgency in your letter, to be causing such an internal crisis within you makes me think that you’re not ready to be married. At least not until you’re at a point where you can stop beating yourself up for having what I happen to believe are natural feelings.

It doesn’t sound like you’ve had many partners or much relationship experience in general. That, too, I think is playing  a part in all of this. I think maybe the desire and concern about cheating is, if I may play arm chair psychologist, is a manifestation of a completely different but certainly connected concern or fear. Like maybe you fear you haven’t experienced all that you think you should have.

This feels like a “I’m going to propose because I think I should” situation more than a “this is The One I’ve been waiting for and I’d be a fool to let her go” one.

My advice? Hmm…I might get flamed for this…but I think you need to step back from the relationship. For two reasons. One, because I think you need time to really figure out if you’re ready to be married without outside influences. And two…to get some of the poison out of your system, so to speak. Basically I’m saying that you need to have sex with other women, Zean, before you decide to forsake all others.

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37 Responses to “How Does He Fight The Urge to Cheat?”

  1. Amy Rose Says:

    I hate to say it but I kind of agree with Moxie. I am in a two year relationship and at times I am sexually frustrated and my needs are not being met. Of course as fate would have it, it seems thats exactly when I get bombarded with emails and texts from ex fuck buddies and boyfriends. I think that is lifes little way of saying to me, an well, testing me and making me gain perspective. Do I want to go secretly meet up with an ex fuck buddy that worships me sexually and spends hours pleasuring me, of course. But for those moments of pleasure I know I would be sacrificing someone that does fulfill every other need I have, emotionally, spiritually and mentally and that life is about evolving past our urges and desires and reaching a place with more meaning. Face your own mortality and the things you don’t like about yourself and bottom line, either grow up or spare this girl the pain that your immaturity and infidelity are sure to create.
    This line from Moxie really says it all : feels like a “I’m going to propose because I think I should” situation more than a “this is The One I’ve been waiting for and I’d be a fool to let her go” one. If it takes sleeping with another woman for you to have some kind of self actualization to side with one of these statements then you have to see it through. One word of advice though, if you do sleep with another woman and realize that your girlfriend is the one, keep this journey to yourself and never look back.

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  2. Trouble Says:

    I work in a male-dominated field, I’ve had to travel a lot with male co-workers, and the guys I work with tend to be pretty hot and athletic (cops). I’ve had more than my share of crushes on people I’ve worked with and/or socialized with for work.

    Feelings don’t really matter. It’s actions. I think it is relatively normal to fantasize about other people to some degree, but you have to be very careful with your actions. It sounds like you are in the same situation with me, where you are taking business trips with people who are attractive and whose company you enjoy, so I understand exactly what you’re going through.

    You can be with a person that you think is absolutely perfect in every way, and still find your eye wandering and wonder what it would be like to be with someone else. There are guys I’ve worked with that I wasn’t even very physically attracted to, but who had fun personalities, and I’d think, “What if…”

    What I do is think about actually following through on my momentary impulse and how I’d feel afterwards: sick, digusted, and totally skeeved out at my own personal weakness.

    One thing I’ve learned as I’ve gotten older (I’m 45) and have slept with quite a few people: sex in my fantasies is almost always better than sex in reality. So, were I ever to cheat, I’d be taking a huge risk: I’d be risking hurting the person I love the most for something that is really a pretty uncertain reward.

    For me, it’s not worth the risk. So, when I realize that I’m feeling attracted to someone, I know I have to remove myself from that situation. I’m pretty much notorious these days, amongst my co-workers, for heading to my hotel room — alone –at 9 p.m. I leave before I’ve had enough to drink that I lower my inhibitions. I never have more than 2 drinks. And, if the flirting starts up or I’m really feeling attracted, I make sure to separate myself from that person physically…I sit at a different end of the table or I start up a conversation with the person on the other side of me. I also make it a point to to never hang out with my male co-workers alone after work hours, if I can help it.

    I was married for 12 years, and these strategies worked for me (I never cheated). I’ve been dating my guy for 4, and while a couple of times in those 4 years, I’ve found myself fantasizing about another guy, I always remove myself from the situation and think about J…how great he is to me, what a happy relationship we have, how he is always in my corner and always has my back, and how much I’d be risking if I ever cheated. When I really think about it like that, the fantasy dissipates pretty fast.

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    • Amy Kovach Says:

      Wisdom from Trouble! Absolutely yes to all of this.
      I will say this – from what the OP wrote, I think he DOES love the woman he is with but has enough self-awareness to be realistic about his inner struggles. I don’t think it has to do with the woman he is with – in the sense that if he ‘loved her enough,’ the temptations would automatically go away. My suggestion is – DO NOT under any circumstances share this struggle with the gf. That would be cruel and give her a burden she would always have to struggle with. Instead – find a therapist or relationship counselor and go there and be totally honest and unburden yourself. That person will be able to help you navigate all this confusion and conflict and come to some resolution about where you are, what you want, and give you some coping strategies (in addition to Trouble’s excellent suggestions above) that you can implement.
      I do think it gets easier for men over time, as men’s testosterone and sexual drive settle down somewhat with age. I also think your friends (to be blunt) are sort of assholes – having sexual exploits (while committed or married), bragging about them, and then mocking you for having these concerns. You know where they stand – don’t go to them for any type of support in the future – it won’t be there.

      Do the relationship counselor thing. You owe yourself and your GF this shot at working through this before either bailing on the relationship OR straying to see what it feels like.

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  3. dimplz Says:

    I think it’s natural to have these thoughts, and yes, women have them too. I guess since I am Catholic, and I go to confession, the good part of that is that I discuss these thoughts with my priest and he always assures me that the thoughts that I have are perfectly normal. Entertaining your thoughts (like continuing to draw them up without provocation) and acting on them is what gets us into trouble. So I’m giving you the Christian take on it. Yes, desire doesn’t die just because we’ve found a great person. However, I would rethink my choice of friends if I were you. I like to surround myself with people who are positive influences on my life, and your friends just seem to want to enable you to do this because then you won’t look like a saint among them. To me, those aren’t real friends, but you may have a different take on it than I do. And that’s fine. However, I wouldn’t go by what my friends do, as far as cheat because they do. They could be miserable in their marriages for all you know. They could have poor self-control. You have to do what you feel is right. Acting against your conscience is the biggest betrayal.

    Slightly OT, this sounds like the plot to that movie, “Last Night.” Great film if you happen to catch it. I saw it on Netflix.

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  4. Saj Says:

    Yah women fight this too (Sexual quelishing pills? Yes please!) and go through the same guilt, shame spirals, self loathing if the temptation is too great but are still fighting the urges like you seem to be doing. Does it mean I love my husband less or that he is lacking in something? No I had these issues WAY before he entered my life and am trying lots of things to get a grip on the obsessive thought process about it.

    Your friends sure aren’t helping and having such a high number of them condone it in their way probably feels like they are normalizing it to you which isn’t super accurate. It’s like those new quitting smoking ads. Never quit on trying to quit. When your out on a trip just try your best to avoid flirting and unnecessary small talk with women who you find attractive. Hunker down and if your thoughts start wandering let it get to a certain point and then try to think about something else. It takes effort but I’m sure with enough practice it will get easier over time.

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  5. Horace Says:

    I believe I did a “guest post” on this topic? Everyone got all butt-hurt about it :) Ah, controversy…

    Yes, men are hardwired to want to mate with many and diverse women. That’s our natural role in the equation of life.

    No, that doesn’t mean that men NEED to cheat, or that cheating is in anyway excusable or deniable (though I’m not saying the opposite either).

    Yes, men can be mostly happy being monogamous. To varying degrees though, we all miss the chase (or even if we didn’t a man wasn’t much of a chaser, he misses knowing the option was on the table).

    Yes, it’s certainly manageable. Well, for most of us. But I’d bet it can be way more mentally disruptive than P.M.S. is for a woman. Some scientist should quantify it.

    Sorry, most men will cheat. Maybe not easily, but the average man will break WAAAAY before the average woman. To paraphrase Chris Rock, sure men can stop chasing pussy. That’s the easy part. But if pussy chases us, we can’t run that fast.

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    • Horace Says:

      That should say:

      “No, that doesn’t mean that men NEED to cheat, or that cheating is in anyway excusable or *JUSTIFIABLE*”

      … and …

      “To varying degrees though, we all miss the chase (or even if a man wasn’t much of a chaser”

      Uneditable typos… it’s torture.

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    • Trouble Says:

      To paraphrase Horace: “boo hoo. It isn’t our fault. We’re just POORLY MADE.”

      Bullshit. For one thing, you don’t know how much women do or don’t struggle with this stuff. Statistics indicate that woman actually cheat almost as much as men (or equally, depending on the study). You’re making pseudoscientific claims that don’t necessarily have any basis in reality.

      Both genders are biologically hard-wired to seek out genetic material to ensure the offspring are as strong as possible. That’s why the male penis is designed to dislodge sperm from other males so as to give your shot of the swimmers the best possible chance to succeed in egg fertilization. Did you hear that clearly? YOUR PENIS was genetically engineered to cope with female promiscuity and to ensure that your spermies are chosen.

      That suggests a stronger biological correlation to female promiscuity. Human females are biologically wired to mate with MULTIPLE partners when we’re fertile. Male humans are designe engineered to compete in that scenario.

      http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sperm_competition

      I’m tired of the lame and unscientific excuses for people who simply feel entitled to avoid exercising self control.

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      • Selena Says:

        Ten fucking thumbs up Trouble. I’m tired of this also. If you want to screw around, screw around. You don’t need to justify, or rationalize it, you only need to find like-minded partners.

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      • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

        And here we go again with the women using anger and brute force to try and get a man to hear them. If the goal is to get a man to empathize for what infidelity does to a woman or a marriage, then this approach is a giant #FAIL.

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        • Selena Says:

          Empathy – okay. So, have you ever had a woman you loved and trusted cheat on you? How did that make you feel? Did you understand it was just biology? Hormones? Getting caught up in the moment? Were you able to get past it without thinking of her differently? Still trust her? Believe her when she said what she had with you was more important than having sex with any other man could ever be? Did you stay with her? Did she stay with you?

          Let’s talk empathy instead of rationalization.

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          • dimplz Says:

            I think I get what Moxie is saying. Horace and Dan obviously have strong opinions that they are entitled to have. We don’t have to be their therapists and find the root of where they come from. Of course we can disagree with them, but brow-beating them won’t change their opinion. You’re just a random person on the internet and they don’t care what you think. So, responding in a hostile way constantly every time they post a comment is pointless.

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        • Trouble Says:

          Bluntness =/= anger.

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      • DrivingMeNutes Says:

        Ha, this comment reminds me of that urban legend about bumble bees. According to the laws of physics and aerodynamics, a bumble bee should not be able to fly. Yet it does.

        Something is very seriously wrong with any study that suggests that women (at least in America) are more or as equally likely to cheat as men. It is completely contrary to experience. I can’t speak for anyone else, but sexual variety does not appear to me to be especially important to women. All else being equal, they may secretly prefer it to monogomy, but they are manifestly more likely to be willing to give up variety than men are to obtain other benefits.

        Any theory, scientific or otherwise, that suggests that women are more promiscuous than men is as useful as a law of aerodynamics that proves a bee can’t fly.

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        • Vox Says:

          Women don’t cheat in pursuit of sexual variety. They cheat when they feel they aren’t getting their sexual and/or emotional needs met at home.

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          • Crotch Rocket Says:

            Actually, research shows that women settle down with low-testosterone men and cheat when they’re ovulating with high-testosterone men. That is sexual variety, at least in the sense they’re trying to get a different (and presumably better, in evolutionary terms) guy to sleep with them than the one they settled down with. And it’s likely to be a different one each time.

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      • Horace Says:

        Take a breath. Some women are so defensive that they don’t REALLY try to understand when you tell them stuff like this.

        My trying to provide an explanation for men cheating is taken as me advocating men cheating or somehow trying to excuse it.

        I’m not saying that cheating is justifiable. I’m not saying that we all can’t be better than our genes. I’ve never cheated as an adult, and I chalk that up to understanding exactly why most men cheat.

        The fact is, the genes that make men want lots of women are real. It’s not unscientific. It’s science. You all believe in science, right?

        I understand that men, despite our genes, can make choices. In fact, we can make choice IN SPITE of them.

        I understand what cheating does to a woman (and having gone through heart-wrenching divorce from a cheating ex-wife, to a man as well).

        I get it. I’m saying that when men fail, here’s what’s motivating them. It’s less about “here’s why men cheat,” and more about “here’s why men are tempted.” That’s a way better way to put it.

        All men are tempted because of evolutionary biology. SOME men fail because they lack resolve. No one (per se) deserves to be cheated on.

        Now simmer down.

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  6. Me Says:

    The op will probably cheat on his wife, see that the sky doesn’t fall, and then become like the friends he describes in his post. This is SOP for a lot of people, especially when you add business travel to the mix. (that includes women!!!) Infidelity isn’t the end of the world, despite the fact that so many people act as though it is. I would advise him to do this while traveling on business when the day comes that he goes for it – and yes that day will come.

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    • Selena Says:

      And ofcourse the day will come when his partner refuses to put up with his cheating. And that’s why he’s single. Again.

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  7. Trouble Says:

    Listen, if you want to have sex with multiple women, no one is stopping you. If that’s the case, then grow some testes and tell your partner that you want an open relationship. But, what’s good for the gander is also good for the goose.

    It isn’t the actual sex act that is the worst part of cheating…it’s the LYING ABOUT IT. Cheating is depriving your partner of information about her own physical health and emotional well-being, deceiving her about the social contract between you, and setting up two completely different expectations for the people in the marriage. People cheat so they can own someone else’s fidelity while simultaneously feeding their own narcissistic egos by chasing strange. You can’t get away with cheating without lying, breaking the social contract between the two of you, and betrayal.

    That’s a cowardly bullshit way to live. If you want multiple sexual partners, grow up, be honest with your partner(s), and either have an open relationship or don’t get married.

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  8. Craig Says:

    I can certainly empathize with the OP. I too am at the 4 year mark with my lady. I’m actually getting married tomorrow. And yet that fire still burns in my loins when I see a hottie on the street. It’s pretty normal to look at other women and it’s even okay to flirt a little. It’s perfectly human. But what separates ourselves from lesser beings is our ability to control our instincts and impulses. The best thing the OP can do to control himself is move the hell out of NYC. The number of gorgeous women here is limitless and they are among the most beautiful in the world. Not exactly an attached man’s paradise. My lady and I don’t have an open relationship, but we do have an agreement: If either of us can bag a celebrity, we each get a hall pass to go for it. Now onto the OP’s questions:

    Does it ever go away? Does the urge get stronger the longer that you’re in a relationship?

    No, it doesn’t go away. Indeed, it will get worse with time the longer you have gone without new pussy. Also making it further worse is the fact that many women are drawn to attached men, and they will pursue you. Chris Rock was right that stopping chasing new pussy is easy. But when new pussy is chasing you, it’s troublesome. Because new pussy is very fast and thus difficult to outrun.

    Do women feel like this?…Once a woman is in a relationship, why does it seem they’re more okay with not being attracted to other men, than men are? Or why does it seem they can control their urges better?

    Don’t be naive. When you’re on top of your woman pumping away, I assure you that sometimes she’s imagining someone else is banging her at that moment just like you do. And that’s fine. A woman can imagine fucking whoever she wants, as long as you’re doing all the actual fucking. Women are very much attracted to men other than the ones they’re with. They’re just not morons about it like us, so no one ever knows. If I had to venture a guess, I’d say the reason they control their urges better is because they have comparatively far less testosterone (10 times less to be exact) – the hormone that largely regulates human sex drive.

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    • joe-f Says:

      Congratulations! Craig

      I am 34 and I am in the same situation. I believe the urges likely fade with age and not by finding the right person. What you do about it determines your maturity.

      You dated multiple girls so you had the experience of sleeping with other women. Would you trade your current 95% happy situation with a situation that only satisfies you with sexual variety? I wouldn’t for a million dollars. I had a good time in my twenties. It took me four years to find the right women and you would need to beat me to death to separate her from me.

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  9. D Says:

    I don’t know the percentages, but from personal experience I know that women on Ashley Madison don’t have to do anything to find partners. They just set up a profile, wait a couple hours and their inbox if overflowing with at least 40 message. They don’t bother contacting guys.

    That suggests to me that far more men are willing to cheat than women. It maybe that women cheat at the same rate, but not as many times i.e. a guy may have multiple affairs while she may only have one.

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    • Vox Says:

      I think the reality is that women who want to have sex outside of their marriage don’t use the Internet to do so. NSA sex is super easy for women, whether they are attached or not. I’m pretty sure that most women who cheat do it with someone they know through work.

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      • Selena Says:

        Or a neighbor. Family friend. Former lover. And men often do the same. The internet may make it easier to cheat with strangers, but my guess would be familiarity still rules for both genders.

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  10. DrivingMeNutes Says:

    Where do I sign up for this marriage thing? Sounds like a real hoot.

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  11. P. Says:

    Although everyone seems to be answering #1 based upon their assessment of gender-based biological differences, I think it’s more individual and personal than that. You cannot help your thoughts and desires….and those are what are so individual to each person. Some of us are more seriously tempted than others. Some of us have higher or lower sex drives than others. Some are just seemingly more oblivious to their surroundings than others.

    You can help your actions, though, so if you don’t want to cheat, then don’t cheat. Or if you do, then be prepared to accept the consequences, whether it entails losing your girlfriend, or breaking up your marriage. (For her sake, if you’re going to do it, I hope you do it now, before you’re married, and not later after you’re married and have children. Some people manage to get it out of their system that way — I don’t know if you’re one of them so can’t advise you about that.)

    As for #2, yes, women feel like this. Like I said in my answer to #1, it varies with the individual — we don’t all get the same standard package of hormones, and we certainly aren’t all faced with the same situational temptation. During my marriage, the feeling got overwhelming many times. However, even the “justification” of a sexless marriage didn’t give me license to cheat, even though I faced temptations on business trips with similar frequency to what you describe. I had to do what I could live with, and so do you.

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  12. Zean Says:

    I’m the OP. Moxie is right that I’m afraid of cheating. I see it all around me and I’m not really much different than my friends who have cheated on their girlfriends or wives. I’m roughly the same age, about the same experiences, most of the same political social viewpoints, etc. So, in my mind, if so many of my friends (who probably didn’t want to cheat at the beginning either) ended up cheating, I’m scared that I’ll end up doing it too. Also, I’m not trying to be holier than thou with the friends I wrote about; they’re good guys (one of them is an attentive and loving father) who are cheating. I can be friends with them and disapprove of that act. And Moxie is also right to infer that I haven’t had a million girlfriends or had sex with as many women as my friends. But, I love my girlfriend and I don’t want to cheat on her; I don’t want to succumb to the “grass is always greener” mindset. I guess I’m surrounded by people that have divorced, people that have cheated and been cheated on and I see my urge for anyone other than the woman that I want to marry as dangerous ground.

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  13. Mr. R Says:

    What it boils down to is this. You, as a man, have a choice. You get to choose what you want to do.

    Sometimes, you have to make that choice every day. That’s OK too.

    Be honest, ethical, and honorable in all that you do, so that when you look at yourself in the mirror at night, you can hold your head up and know that you did the best you could.

    I’ve been married now a year (and going to be a father in 7 months), and it’s great. Well worth any quote unquote sacrifice.

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  14. Mark Says:

    Hmmm. Dunno. Kinda tough to call this one. At least this point. A lot of the things you mentioned seem like natural thoughts in varying degrees. As long as they don’t border on the obsessive side. I suppose it’s relatively OK so long as you haven’t cheated on an old girlfriend and acted on those impulses like you described. After all, past performance is a good indicator of future actions.

    Having said that:

    Look, but don’t lear. And if you do look; look but don’t touch.

    I’t when you stop looking…. That’s when your soon-to -be-fiance should have misgivings. At the very least she might raise an eyebrow or two.

    Best of luck with the gal and hope she says yes.

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  15. confused Says:

    I wonder how many times he would need to have sex to be able to decide on marriage????

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  16. Sarah Says:

    As someone who’s both cheated and been cheated on, I find this letter confusing. It’s impossible to only be attracted to one person for the rest of your life. It’s unreasonable not to flirt ever again. But not cheating is really, really easy — a lot easier than laying the prerequisite groundwork before first-time sex — and it’s not something that just happens TO you; you have to want to make it happen.

    OP, you’re not a tragic hero; fate doesn’t intervene — you make choices. It’s that simple. Marrying this girl in the near future would be incredibly selfish, but I have a feeling your questions were mostly rhetorical, anyway.

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  17. Bianka Says:

    Anyone on here seen the movie “last night” with Kiera Knightly? Highly recommend. Deals perfectly with this subject.

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  18. Lamont Cranston Says:

    He’s 32. I can offer him good news.

    He’s right about at the age when the urgency to seek sex starts to dial down. By the time he’s 40, he’ll be able to go hours without thinking about sex.

    God that was a relief.

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