I’m a 30 yr old female and I have written you several times before with dating questions. This time I have a general question regarding something I’ve noticed happen with myself and some of my friends. It’s basically “three strikes and you are out”. For example, I have a friend who is dating this guy and they broke up for a short period of time. After 3 months of dating, during the breakup conversation/argument he said “this is the third strike and you are out” and named the other two times she had done something to annoy him. About a month later she called him and they worked things out. Another friend was dating this guy for about 6 months when he disappeared. About a year later he resurfaced and she decided to meet with him because she wanted to know what happened. He named a few insignificant points–like she couldn’t do something he suggested a few times during the relationship. When they met up he expressed regret over his handling of the situation. I don’t have any concrete examples regarding myself, but I do feel like in my dating experiences that I am judged on insignificant things rather than the bigger picture. What I’m trying to say is that I feel most of my female friends base compatibility on “bigger picture qualities–when does the guy want to settle down, does he want kids, is he fun to be around, would he treat her well” but the guys judge based on smaller issues that could easily be worked out with a conversation or may just be misconceptions during the getting to know you phase. I have another guy friend who dated this great girl who was great and then dumped her and is now dating this girl he wants to marry but to us seems like drama all the time. The reasons he gave us for dumping the other girl seemed pretty minor, but the issues with the current girlfriend seem major. I just wanted some feedback from the regarding this issue. Is it something we are missing? What do guys judge relationships on? I know a lot of guys are going to say that women judge men on very superficial issues but let’s just pretend we don’t for the sake of this question.
What I’m trying to say is that I feel most of my female friends base compatibility on “bigger picture qualities–when does the guy want to settle down, does he want kids, is he fun to be around, would he treat her well” but the guys judge based on smaller issues that could easily be worked out with a conversation or may just be misconceptions during the getting to know you phase.
The smaller issues are the ones that matter to men in the beginning. They aren’t thinking about whether or not the woman would be a good Mom. They aren’t thinking Big Picture. They take dating one date at a time, step by step. They’re trying to determine if the woman is..sorry to be blunt…someone they’re going to be able to tolerate. That’s why they’re paying attention to those things that you consider smaller. To them, they’re not so small. Things like how easy or hard it is to make plans with the woman, how the woman communicates, and what they’re personality is like are very, very important to most men.
Many guys get to know women not just over dinner or cocktails. They, like most women, pay attention to the little things we say and do. The difference is…they leave if those things begin to add up. They don’t excuse them or overlook them. So, yes, with men there is a bit of a Three Strike Rule mentality going on. They see the possible problems or incompatibility and they make a decision and stick to it. Women are more likely to write their pros and cons and then pad the pros column.
So, it’s not that we approach this differently or use different criteria. It’s that men don’t stick things out hoping things will change. They’re perfectly okay with being alone. the only men that stick around are men who don’t have many options. Many women tend to cling to each guy fearing that another one might not come along. Most men don’t share that fear.
I know a lot of guys are going to say that women judge men on very superficial issues but let’s just pretend we don’t for the sake of this question.
How adorable. But no. What you’re basically saying is, “Tell me what I want to hear” and we don’t exactly do that here. What you’re also saying is, “When women make decisions like this based on superficial criteria, it’s okay. But when men do it, it’s wrong.” That is one thing that will immediately have a man on red alert..inconsistency and incongruity between words and actions. That will only lead to arguments and drama.
I have another guy friend who dated this great girl who was great and then dumped her and is now dating this girl he wants to marry but to us seems like drama all the time. The reasons he gave us for dumping the other girl seemed pretty minor, but the issues with the current girlfriend seem major.
But you’re not factoring in the possibility that he likes this perceived drama that the new girlfriend brings to the table. Obviously, if he wants to marry her, she must bring something to the table that compensates for the”drama.” Something the other woman didn’t have and that you and your friends don’t see. You’re assuming that there’s this lateral decision making process and there isn’t.
It’s not that women base their decision to commit on superficial things. It’s that they make these determinations without any actual evidence to back up those decision other than their skewed perception of the man and feedback/pressure from friends or family. Two months of dating is not long enough to figure out if you want to have children with someone. It’s not even long enough to figure out if you want to invite them home for Thanksgiving dinner.At two months, most men are still trying to figure out if this is someone with whom they wish to spend a full weekend.
And when a man does decide to cut ties, that’s it. He’s done. Any man that takes a woman back that he only dated a few months or who reappears several months after he fell off the earth is probably only doing so because he has no other options at the time or wants to add some variety to his current roster. If his points that he cited as why they had to originally break up actually were insignificant, then that break up was probably pre-determined. Meaning he never intended to stick around anyway.
Men rarely offer second chances.