With Men..Is It 3 Strikes and You’re Out?

Name: Three Strikes and You are Out
State: TX
Age: 30
Comment: Hi Moxie,

I’m a 30 yr old female and I have written you several times before with dating questions. This time I have a general question regarding something I’ve noticed happen with myself and some of my friends. It’s basically “three strikes and you are out”. For example, I have a friend who is dating this guy and they broke up for a short period of time. After 3 months of dating, during the breakup conversation/argument he said “this is the third strike and you are out” and named the other two times she had done something to annoy him. About a month later she called him and they worked things out. Another friend was dating this guy for about 6 months when he disappeared. About a year later he resurfaced and she decided to meet with him because she wanted to know what happened. He named a few insignificant points–like she couldn’t do something he suggested a few times during the relationship. When they met up he expressed regret over his handling of the situation. I don’t have any concrete examples regarding myself, but I do feel like in my dating experiences that I am judged on insignificant things rather than the bigger picture. What I’m trying to say is that I feel most of my female friends base compatibility on “bigger picture qualities–when does the guy want to settle down, does he want kids, is he fun to be around, would he treat her well” but the guys judge based on smaller issues that could easily be worked out with a conversation or may just be misconceptions during the getting to know you phase. I have another guy friend who dated this great girl who was great and then dumped her and is now dating this girl he wants to marry but to us seems like drama all the time. The reasons he gave us for dumping the other girl seemed pretty minor, but the issues with the current girlfriend seem major. I just wanted some feedback from the  regarding this issue. Is it something we are missing? What do guys judge relationships on? I know a lot of guys are going to say that women judge men on very superficial issues but let’s just pretend we don’t for the sake of this question. :)

Thanks!

 

What I’m trying to say is that I feel most of my female friends base compatibility on “bigger picture qualities–when does the guy want to settle down, does he want kids, is he fun to be around, would he treat her well” but the guys judge based on smaller issues that could easily be worked out with a conversation or may just be misconceptions during the getting to know you phase.

The smaller issues are the ones that matter to men in the beginning. They aren’t thinking about whether or not the woman would be a good Mom. They aren’t thinking Big Picture. They take dating one date at a time, step by step. They’re trying to determine if the woman is..sorry to be blunt…someone they’re going to be able to tolerate. That’s why they’re paying attention to those things that you consider smaller. To them, they’re not so small. Things like how easy or hard it is to make plans with the woman, how the woman communicates, and what they’re personality is like are very, very important to most men.

Many guys get to know women not just over dinner or cocktails. They, like most women, pay attention to the little things we say and do. The difference is…they leave if those things begin to add up. They don’t excuse them or overlook them. So, yes, with men there is a bit of a Three Strike Rule mentality going on. They see the possible problems or incompatibility and they make a decision and stick to it. Women are more likely to write their pros and cons and then pad the pros column.

So, it’s not that we approach this differently or use different criteria. It’s that men don’t stick things out hoping things will change. They’re perfectly okay with being alone. the only men that stick around are men who don’t have many options. Many women tend to cling to each guy fearing that another one might not come along. Most men don’t share that fear.

I know a lot of guys are going to say that women judge men on very superficial issues but let’s just pretend we don’t for the sake of this question. :)

How adorable. But no. What you’re basically saying is, “Tell me what I want to hear” and we don’t exactly do that here. What you’re also saying is, “When women make decisions like this based on superficial criteria, it’s okay. But when men do it, it’s wrong.”  That is one thing that will immediately have a man on red alert..inconsistency and incongruity between words and actions. That will only lead to arguments and drama.

I have another guy friend who dated this great girl who was great and then dumped her and is now dating this girl he wants to marry but to us seems like drama all the time. The reasons he gave us for dumping the other girl seemed pretty minor, but the issues with the current girlfriend seem major.

But you’re not factoring in the possibility that he likes this perceived drama that the new girlfriend brings to the table. Obviously, if he wants to marry her, she must bring something to the table that compensates for the”drama.” Something the other woman didn’t have and that you and your friends don’t see. You’re assuming that there’s this lateral decision making process and there isn’t.

It’s not that women base their decision to commit on superficial things. It’s that they make these determinations without any actual evidence to back up those decision other than their skewed perception of the man and feedback/pressure from friends or family. Two months of dating is not long enough to figure out if you want to have children with someone. It’s not even long enough to figure out if you want to invite them home for Thanksgiving dinner.At two months, most men are still trying to figure out if this is someone with whom they wish to spend a full weekend.

And when a man does decide to cut ties, that’s it. He’s done. Any man that takes a woman back that he only dated a few months or who reappears several months after he fell off the earth is probably only doing so because he has no other options at the time or wants to add some variety to his current roster. If his points that he cited as why they had to originally break up actually were insignificant, then that break up was probably pre-determined. Meaning he never intended to stick around anyway.

Men rarely offer second chances.

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50 Responses to “With Men..Is It 3 Strikes and You’re Out?”

  1. JT Says:

    At the end of the day, people are who they are.

    3 strikes? Never that.

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  2. Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

    There is absolutely no way you read the full post.

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  3. Mr. R Says:

    Us guys are more decisive about these sorts of things. First thing we notice, is she attractive. Second thing we notice, how does she make us feel.

    After that, we take it a date at a time. What’s that? Are you too busy to meet up? Strike one. You don’t call back even though we call several times? Strike two. There’s a disconnect between what you say and what you do? Strike three, and you’re out. And we don’t do these second chances bit.

    When we’re done, we’re done. Most of us guys are the basic male package, decent people, decent jobs, and when it comes to dating, if you’re not the one, or don’t have potential to be the one, that’s it. We’re done. Do not pass go, do not collect $200.

    I don’t know anybody in my group of friends who offered a girl a second chance. It is the way it is. That’s how we roll.

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    • Capt. Jack Sparrow Says:

      This is way too simplistic. If a girl is hot and/or has a good personality, but she is high-maintenance or is otherwise unavailable, this doesn’t result in a strike. You see her as someone to pursue. I suspect the reason you did not give certain girls a “second chance” was because you saw them as cray-cray.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 8 Thumb down 5

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      • James Says:

        I don’t chase girls, period, end of story. If they aren’t excited about me and brave enough to show it, they’re gone.

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  4. Crotch Rocket Says:

    “The reasons he gave us for dumping the other girl seemed pretty minor, but the issues with the current girlfriend seem major.” So, basically, any problem a man sees is “minor” whereas any problem a woman sees is “major”. Interesting.

    “most of my female friends base compatibility on “bigger picture qualities…” but the guys judge based on smaller issues that could easily be worked out with a conversation” I would bet that the guys tried to discuss those issues but the women dismissed them as “minor”, i.e. not a problem for the woman. And then, when the man breaks up with her over those very issues, the woman is confused and decides it’s all the man’s fault.

    “Is it something we are missing?” Yes. The problem is not necessarily the specific issue at hand but may instead be the woman’s reaction to the issue. The man told you what he wants from the relationship, and you’re dismissing it as unimportant. That tells the man you don’t care about his happiness. Who wants to be with someone like that?

    “What do guys judge relationships on?” This is amazingly simple: is life with you better or worse than life without you? As long as things stay in the former category, he’ll stay with you. When things tip into the latter, he will begin to check out mentally and emotionally–though he may not check out physically (and in the case of marriage, legally) until he has someone else lined up, depending on how bad the situation is. And, once that process has started, it’s usually irreversible.

    “this is the third strike and you are out” As the saying goes, once is bad luck, twice is coincidence, but three times is a pattern.

    Possibly contributing to the confusion is that the guy doesn’t tell you that what you’ve done is a dump-worthy event or threaten to end things if you don’t change: we just tell you we’re unhappy and see what, if anything, you do about it. We don’t use ultimatums, as most women would in that situation, because we know they don’t work. Even if you did change your behavior in response to an ultimatum, it won’t change what we were really objecting to, i.e. the thoughts and attitudes that caused that behavior.

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  5. DrivingMeNutes Says:

    The fundamental flaw in the OP’s (and Moxie’s) logic is the assumption (incorrect in my opinion) that people share the truth about why they broke up with you (or someone.) They don’t. People hide the real reasons. And, I’d bet that more often than not, the real reasons are socially unacceptable and you will be given a more appropriate answer that makes the person seem “normal.” and not crazy. As much as you want to believe you do, no one ever really knows why someone doesn’t like them. So, the whole exercise is senseless. This is a very idealized portrayal of men (which I’m sure some men will gladly sign on to.) Don’t believe it. Guys break up with women for the same reasons women break up with guys. Guys are not simple. They just tend to share less.

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    • Erin Says:

      DrivingMeNutes this is one of the best comments you have ever made! I agree with you l00% for both Men and Women! People definitely tend to always portray themselves in the best light. The reasons inside of people are complicated and complex for why they feel the way they do. Sometimes individuals don’t even understand why they feel the way they do, they just know it is how they feel. I absolutely agree with you that most people don’t want to ever seem like a bad guy/girl so they give reasons that are socially acceptable for why they broke up and rarely do they ever give the real reason or the whole picture.

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    • Horace Says:

      I think guys ARE simple. So are women.

      Some people may lie about why they break up. Some people may tell the truth. Just about everyone will do both, depending on who they’re talking to. We all fear judgment and will act accordingly. Nothing so complicated about that.

      Reality is simple. It’s only our inability to accept reality that makes it seem complicated.

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    • sammee Says:

      wow thanx guys for all the great comments! what you guys have talked about here really solved so many confusions in mind. I am so happy that i came across this post :)

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  6. Christina Says:

    I see a lot of women who could benefit a bit more from this mentality. Maybe I’m more like a man in the sense that I rarely gave guys who behave objectionably more than two chances. It really comes down to what you’re willing to tolerate, and it seems a lot of women put up with tons of bs just because they think they see long-term potential in the guy. If you focus on how you are getting along NOW and how he’s treating you NOW, you’ll also probably end up with someone who’s better for the long-term.

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  7. P. Says:

    I think more women than men have a problem-solving, “make it work” mentality when it comes to dating. At worst, it’s co-dependent or extreme settling; at best, it’s just how we operate, in a less linear, more intuitive fashion, deliberating with more information from multiple sources over a period of time rather than all at once based on what’s right in front of you.

    One example of this is the frequent debate we’ve had on here, where a number of women say that it takes them multiple dates to get to know someone and figure out compatibility before making the decision whether they want to date or sleep with him. If the guy is rejected several dates in, he feels like he’s being used (if he’s paid for those dates). If the woman is pushed to decide before she’s ready or rejected in favor of a woman who doesn’t take so long to decide these things, she thinks he’s a pushy asshole.

    Men are generally more decisive about attraction, so there won’t be several dates to figure out if an attraction can be kindled given the other person’s desirable qualities, as many women are willing to do.

    Men are generally less patient about behaviorial traits, or as Mr. R puts it, “how [she] makes us feel.” Women are more willing to tolerate all kinds of bullshit that guys would perceive (often correctly so) as disrespectful or rude, such as showing up late, flirting or even sleeping with someone else, demonstrating jealousy or insecurity.

    Or put another way, I think men are much more likely to kill things early; women are more likely to kill things later. But women are less likely overall to kill things period once they’ve made an investment in the relationship, even if it’s not everything they want, whereas men will typically not jump in unless it appears up front to be everything they want. And women are more likely to second guess their decision to end a relationship, fearing they made it without adequate information (or maybe because we’re so used to having our decision-making abilities questioned we start to do it for ourselves without prompting).

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  8. Crotch Rocket Says:

    “They aren’t thinking about whether or not the woman would be a good Mom. They aren’t thinking Big Picture. They take dating one date at a time, step by step.” I think there’s more long-term thinking than you’re giving us credit for. Every time a woman annoys me, I ask myself “is this something I’m willing to put up with for the rest of my life?” And “this” doesn’t mean this specific annoyance; it means this and all previous annoyances put together. And, yes, by the time we’re in a relationship I am also asking myself “is this the woman I want raising my kids?” Note that “maybe” is an acceptable answer (to either question) for several months, though eventually it will settle one way or the other.

    “To them, they’re not so small. Things like how easy or hard it is to make plans with the woman, how the woman communicates, and what they’re personality is like are very, very important to most men.” Exactly, because those are the things that will determine the health of the relationship over the long term. If anything, men are actually thinking bigger-picture than women are. Most women are only concerned with getting to the altar, not the fifty years after that.

    “Obviously, if he wants to marry her, she must bring something to the table that compensates for the ‘drama.’ Something the other woman didn’t have and that you and your friends don’t see.” Exactly. As discussed countless times here before, men and women don’t have the same priorities. The OP is evaluating this woman by the criteria that she uses to evaluate men–and hopes (in vain) that men are using to evaluate her. That’s not how it works.

    I could speculate on what that “something” might be, but it really doesn’t matter–what matters is that the OP needs to understand that her opinion of his relationship is irrelevant. He’s doing what he thinks will make him happy. It’s possible he’ll turn out to be wrong, of course, but if so that’s something he’ll have to learn for himself.

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    • Angeline Says:

      “Most women are only concerned with getting to the altar, not the fifty years after that.”
      This, this, this. Men tend to be much more pragmatic about whether they can stand to be around her when things aren’t going perfectly. That’s why the rush to be ‘boyfriend/girlfriend’ is so misguided. As dimplz has pointed out before, you gotta go through some crap together before you know how they’ll treat you when life takes a slap at you. Get sick together, take a trip where everything goes wrong and still laugh about it, have your water turned off instead of your neighbor’s (yeah, it happened). If you’re treated dismissively when you bring up these ‘minor’ things that bother you, what kinda war will ensue when you bring up something serious?

      Moxie’s post about being nice would be a good one for the OP to read as well. Maybe these “great” girls aren’t so great at jusr being day-to-day *nice*.

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  9. offensivedan Says:

    Guys do look at the little things and also whether the way a women acts jives with what she says. Talk is cheap you know.

    See, if a man is going out with a woman she has met the criteria of being attractive. Now, a guy will look at how she acts. For example, does she make any effort to contact the guy and, if she does not, does she complain that he does not give her enough attention? What about her laugh? Some girls’ laughs have turned me off. Sad but true. How does she act around people such as waiters? Is she considerate? When a woman does not meet our expectations she will never recover.

    And to the OP, yes women also dump men for superficial reasons, rather quickly. This type of behavior is not gender specific. For example, they think about what their friends or clique will think of the guy she is seeing or whether he can maintain the lifestyle she wants.

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  10. VJ Says:

    It’s a slow thread, so let’s speculate wildly, shall we?

    Some ‘little insignificant things’ that keep on occurring to make the guys really apprehensive:

    1.) You’re in constant and continual contact with one or more of your ex’s, despite NOT having any kids. Corollary: Same, but none of the kids are his, ‘he just likes them & they get along’.

    2.) Number #1 + ill-defined intimate contact, including screwing around, regularly. Follows on, naturally.

    3.) A clear intent, willingness or expressed desire to engage in #2 after repeated ventures or being caught at # 1 or something close to it with strangers/friends of friends or an ‘natural desire to flirt’ with anything.

    4.) Being bitchy or belittling in public or in front of adult work mates or friends, repeatedly, and likely for sport.

    5.) Making your BF the butt of jokes, adding on to #4, but usually starting with ‘innocent offhand’ comments.

    6.) Having or expressing tendencies to be disloyal to friends and needlessly cruel or ugly to strangers.

    7.) Despite looking reasonably hot and knowing ‘how to work it’ in public, being privately very conservative about sex, wholly ignorant about natural sexual expression and/or just not often ‘available’ or ‘in the mood’. If you’re a GF of any serious duration and the sex is unmemorable, desultory, infrequent and difficult to engage in? You might not hear about it if they imagine it can not be improved. He’ll just be gone.

    8.) Being generally unwilling to listen to others or actually hear complaints about past behavior that may have been questionable. If you’re always late (for whatever reason), and your BF is depending on you This One Time to ‘get it right’ & pick him up for an important appointment and you’re still an hour late? You’ll not be surprised when he dumps you for such ‘triviality’.

    9.) If you’re on a first name basis with a buyer for Neiman, despite being in hock up to your eyeballs? You might not make the grade. High maintenance is so 80’s. No one can afford it anymore, even rich folks.

    10.) Related to the starting issues: If you’re still regularly receiving expensive gifts from past BF’s or rank strangers for some unearthly reason? (Including but not limited to boob/face/Lipo jobs, expensive jewelry, cars, bikes, computers, facials etc.) You might yet be the attention seeking darling his momma warned him about. See also : Princess/Entitlement complex.

    Everything above, even if done in minor ‘insignificant’ doses will shriek to any guys unconscious mind one thing: “Run Forrest, RUN!!!”. A very short, but likely typical list of ‘trivial’ things. Cheers, ‘VJ’

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    • BruceWayne Says:

      Can you elaborate on number seven?

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      • Kay Says:

        I think #7 falls in the ‘lady in the streets, freak in the streets category;’ and freak doesn’t necessarily mean whips, chains, and orgies. But more, open to new ideas, willing to experiment, be aggressive at times, having some knowledge of the current (names positions, etc). Being tired, not in the mood, and not initiating sex at all can make anyone (male of female but especially males) feel unwanted and undesirable. Why stay with someone who isn’t passionate for you, wants to be with you and desires you? Some women often ration sex, use it as a bargaining tool, a gift, a ‘this is my way of apologizing and let me out of jail free card.’ Like it or not, women are the gatekeeper to sex, how often, how different, how new, how much, how, how, how and of course, where. Women often determine everything!

        I get it, if there was no sex, or worse, routine/bad sex in my relationship, I’d have to walk, of course, after the usual attempts to address the issue.

        Sex is a big part of relationships, as it should be. It is the ONLY time you are (or should be) totally alone with, can be in sync with and are connected with you partner on that level without the usual distractions of life. I’ve heard that men needs sex to feel loved and women need love to feel sex. Although I don’t wholly agree with the former, I do think it holds a lot of weight.

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  11. Brad Says:

    According to shrinks, the 5 things that couples argue about break down into:
    Money
    Sex
    Work
    Children
    Housework

    A dating couple would only have one of these topics to argue over (sex). So if you’re serious about a girl, and at least 4/5ths of your fights are in the future, then *how* she behaves during the dispute is *far* more important than the argument itself.

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  12. Frank N Footer Says:

    I follow this simple set of three strikes and you’re out rule: if after the third date, I don’t get laid then I dump her and move onto to the next woman. 75% of all women i’ve dated lived up to this while I’d just let go of the remaining 25% since there’s no point of continuing to see each other.

    This works for me!

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    • offensivedan Says:

      That’s a lot of women you have ended up dumping. But let me ask you this. Up to those three (3) dates did you wine and dine her or what made you expect to have sex. at that point? Just curious what your mentality was.

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      • Crotch Rocket Says:

        “That’s a lot of women you have ended up dumping. ” Did you miss the percent signs? All we know from what he said is that the total number of women he has dated is a multiple of four.

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      • Frank N Footer Says:

        Let me explain this once again since you did not comprehend at first; after three dates (no need to spend too much money on dinner) if I don’t get sex from her, then she is dumped. That’s my mentality sir.

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    • lana Says:

      This is sort of irrelevant to the topic. You dumped them all, its just a matter of when and if she put out first.

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  13. Laura Says:

    3 months into dating is usually the time people’s guards begin to drop and you get to see the everyday, annoying habits of each other. So maybe the guy sees these things and decides the girl isn’t right for him. I see a lot of my female friends poorly lacking in communication skills with the guys they are with. Some women always have to be right and win the argument no matter the cost. I see my female friends emasculate guys without even meaning to or noticing what they are doing. I learned a few years ago that I don’t care about winning an argument and I don’t need to make a guy jump through hoops to figure out what’s on my mind. I’m very careful not to emasculate and I am always appreciative of what he does for me. I see these things as sometimes big dealbreakers in dating. I could be wrong, but most guys want to stay with a feminine, caring, emotionally mature woman who respects a man. Maybe that’s where your friends are going wrong?

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  14. joe-f Says:

    Don’t put yourself in a man’s shoes to determine who they should date and especially, who they should marry. I try to understand women and behave appropriately but I could never think like them.

    Other guys may be different but anything that prevents us from accomplishing our goal, going somewhere, walking down a tangential path or threatens our manhood makes us like you less. Do it enough times, not necessary three, and we determine we can’t spend the rest of our lives with you.

    I am not going to be successful but I will try to think about a situation from a girl’s perspective to give you more concrete examples. We have been dating six months and we have a date at a restaurant near my home at 7pm.

    1) You want to look your best so you take an extra 30 minutes to put on makeup to look pretty for me. At 7:30pm, I am annoyed that I haven’t eaten yet and I am still waiting for you.
    2) You could come to my home but you wanted me to meet you at the restaurant because____ fill in the blank (i don’t know but there must be a good reason because most women are good). I think instead of doing things that I need to do at home, I am sitting at the restaurant watching other couples get seated. Doing nothing instead of being productive is unpleasant.
    3) You arrive and we get seated. I had a bad week at work and you listen to my problems. During our six months together, you always agree to do what I want, go where I want and offer nothing to the contrary. You have done nothing bad and you are the perfect girlfriend. I think you are boring and i have to carry all our conversations. I need some drama, not all the time, but something to excite me. I don’t know if I can spend a lifetime with you with me just talking and you agreeing.
    4) At dinner, you noticed that skin on my face is dry. You know that is bad for my skin so you suggest I buy lotion. I have never put on lotion in my life. The idea of moisturizing is foreign and uncomfortable to me.
    5) After dinner, you want to go for a romantic walk just to build our relationship. I think why are we walking if we are not going anywhere. I want to go home, take a shower and maybe have some sex.

    I hope you can see how we think differently. I am still trying to understand women so if some of the examples don’t make sense, please correct. I enjoy learning about how women are different. It is fun.

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    • Horace Says:

      Well, you nailed the guy’s perspective for sure.

      Regarding #4, guys hate this kind of “help.” I’m dating a woman now who is always offering these kinds of suggestions. It’s so irritating. Pointing out how a guy should fix a physical flaw (no man in his right mind would do that to a woman) is degrading, particularly since it’s often about something we’ve never even considered to be a flaw or even noticed so they’re just introducing new things that slowly chip away at our self image and self esteem.

      Hey, we’re sensitive, too.

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      • Crotch Rocket Says:

        Pretty much the only way to handle that well is “I’ve noticed your skin might be a bit dry; is that something you would like my help with?”

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      • peppermint Says:

        This is such a classic example of the different ways men and women show they care. I think it’s an instinctual reflex with us — I can know a guy for 10 minutes and be picking lint off his coat. Re the lotion: how ’bout if she put it on her breasts and asked you to rub it in with your face — would that be acceptable? ;-)

        I guess it’s too soon to mention exfoliating…

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    • dimplz Says:

      Aside from #3, I think the other behaviors indicate a lack of consideration and sensitivity. After 6 months, you should be able to provide constructive criticism, but I guess, know your audience. Making someone wait constantly is a major inconvenience. It means one is not good at time management, and it shows a real lack of consideration for the person waiting. #5 is a strange one. I guess because I actually like to walk and talk, but everyone is different. Some people don’t really like walking. I grew up in NY and we didn’t have a car and I walked EVERYWHERE, so walking to me is fun.

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      • Horace Says:

        I totally get #5. Guys tend to hate walks to nowhere.

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        • DrivingMeNutes Says:

          Hm. I don’t mind walks. This past weekend, about 30,000 guys ran in a giant 26 mile circle to nowhere for no reason. Pretty sure most if not all of these things depend on the person, not the gender. I’m sure miscommunication occurs in same-gender couples (the forgotten step child of Moxie’s blog). Not that there’s anything wrong with it.

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          • Horace Says:

            No, a marathon is a competition, if not with other runners, then versus the run itself.

            I’d say in general — and sure there are plenty of exceptions — guys have little interest in going for walks just for the sake of going for walks.

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    • Crotch Rocket Says:

      “You want to look your best so you take an extra 30 minutes to put on makeup to look pretty for me. At 7:30pm, I am annoyed that I haven’t eaten yet and I am still waiting for you.” It’s funny you bring that up, since I was going to use the same example but edited it out.

      I see being late as disrespectful; if the woman needs an extra 30 minutes to get ready, she should have started 30 minutes earlier or, if that isn’t possible, called to reschedule as soon as she knew she couldn’t make it. That disrespect will put me in such a foul mood–reasonable after waiting alone at the restaurant looking like a chump who got stood up–that when she finally arrives I probably won’t notice whatever she spent that extra time doing. (There’s also a pretty good chance I wouldn’t notice, or wouldn’t like, what she did even if she started early and showed up on time. While I need to know a woman is capable of dressing up when an occasion warrants, I’d rather see what she look like day-to-day since that’s what I’ll actually be getting once she’s “caught” me.)

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    • P. Says:

      Those are great examples — I think you did a good job to illustrate the differences between men and women, even with a testosterone-impaired brain. ;-)

      #3 is what I struggle with…not necessarily the being the perfect girlfriend part (although I think I could be!) but ending up with guys who need some level of drama, despite their claims to the contrary. I’m hardly a doormat or unwilling to have dissenting opinions, but I don’t do 1, 2, 4 & 5, because I share your annoyance when those things are done to me.

      Do you think there are guys who are so used to being mistreated by hot women that when they find someone who doesn’t provide all that drama for them to deal with, they’re too willing to put her in the #3 camp? Or when someone tells you after a certain number of dates “I’m just not feeling it,” that that is what they’re saying?

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      • Crotch Rocket Says:

        I’ve never heard of a guy dumping a gal because she was too easy to date, but I suppose it might happen if the guy is a drama queen. Good riddance.

        Some guys (usually dumb ones) want their gal to agree with everything they say because it makes them feel superior. Other guys (usually smart ones) don’t respect a woman who doesn’t have or isn’t able to defend her own opinions. However, that is not the same thing as drama.

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  15. Saj Says:

    Men do judge a lot on superficial qualities that’s more then just (Is she hot, nice). I’ve been judged oh how clean my apartment is, the last time I washed my hair, how clean my car is, how well I handle my finances. How organized or scatterbrained I am. How well we get along when we go on a vacation (taking two people and taking them out of their element and see how they deal with the stress is a great compatibility tester), how I get along with my parents, how I handle myself in restaurants and on and on.

    Women judge for the same things but if a guy has enough of something good then we overlook a lot of the fails on this checklist and the same goes for men.

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    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      Men do judge a lot on superficial qualities that’s more then just (Is she hot, nice). I’ve been judged oh how clean my apartment is, the last time I washed my hair, how clean my car is, how well I handle my finances. How organized or scatterbrained I am. How well we get along when we go on a vacation (taking two people and taking them out of their element and see how they deal with the stress is a great compatibility tester), how I get along with my parents, how I handle myself in restaurants and on and on.

      I wouldn’t consider any of these things superficial. All of these things are, to me, indicative of how stable someone is financially, inter-personally and emotionally.

      Women judge for the same things but if a guy has enough of something good then we overlook a lot of the fails on this checklist and the same goes for men.

      Not really. The guy might give the woman a bit more leeway if she’s hot, but unless he’s a complete loser doormat, she’s still going to end up dumped eventually.

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  16. Horace Says:

    Here’s why guys break up: because a girl’s negatives outweigh her sexual attraction.

    And it’s important to note that a man’s sexual attraction toward a given woman tends to go down over time. It’s not her, it’s him. Sure, in long-term relationships there can be spikes of “I’ve never found her more attractive,” but in the long run it’ll look like a chart of a crashing stock market.

    If this guy dumped a “great girl,” it’s because her negatives eventually outweighed her sexual attraction.

    If he is with drama girl, it’s because her sexual attraction still outweighs her negatives.

    And sure, other positives besides sexual attraction play a role, but most of those other positives tend to just be nice-to-haves to men. Ultimately with men, sexual attraction trumps everything.

    It’s why we can, without a second thought, get involved with a woman with whom we know it’s going nowhere. It’s why we can be in relationships with women we totally can’t stand. Why a lot of more well-to-do men will entertain obvious gold diggers. We’re not lying to ourselves, if that’s what you think. It’s just that: sexual attraction trumps everything.

    It’s like a balance scale, with a woman’s sexual attraction on one side (along with other positives, which only trivially impact the weight), and her negatives on the other side as the counter weight. Initially, the sexual attraction side is heavy, and negatives are few and light. However, the sexual attraction gradually diminishes, while negatives gradually add weight (and of course, this can be instigated by the appearance of a new female interest).

    If a man leaves, it’s because the scale has been tipped.

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  17. Jeff Says:

    DELETED FOR BLOG SQUATTING

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  18. Kurt Says:

    The OP needs to realize that most men need to feel respected and appreciated by the woman they are with. If a woman starts behaving in a disrespectful manner, most men will completely write her off even if the woman assumes that what she did wasn’t a big deal. I and many other men would rather be alone than settle for a disrespectful woman who is a big pain in the ass.

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    • Kurt Says:

      Also, the OP does not necessarily know the real reason why that guy stopped seeing her. He may have sugar-coated the real reason to avoid hurting her feelings.

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  19. chillybeans Says:

    “They’re perfectly okay with being alone. the only men that stick around are men who don’t have many options. Many women tend to cling to each guy fearing that another one might not come along. Most men don’t share that fear”

    I have seen this but I want to know WHY this is? Worthy of it’s own article IMO.

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    • Crotch Rocket Says:

      Why women have that fear or why men don’t?

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    • Horace Says:

      It’s just the way we evolved, fulfilling opposite purposes. Men developed, per Natural Selection, to propagate the species (mate a lot), and to ensure a diverse gene pool (to desire a variety of women). 1-to-1 attachments for us tend to be learned, and not nearly as instinctual as they are with women.

      I will say, however, that we ARE NOT perfectly okay with being alone (generally). We’re just okay with being single. We still want a sex life. We still want women to want us. We don’t feel we need relationships, but we still feel we need women.

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  20. Mareseatoats Says:

    “Things like how easy or hard it is to make plans with the woman, how the woman communicates, and what they’re personality is like are very, very important to most men.”

    I must be a man. Personality and communication is big. Too much energy spent on “the date” here and even, excuse me guys, you are wonderful but, too much time and energy obsessing on men. Lovely creatures. Always nice to have around. Rule of thumb for both sexes:

    “All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.” – Mae West

    Get a life! Nothing more attractive than someone who has a real passion, drive and interest in their own pursuits. I’m not talking about pursuing the opposite sex. Enjoy being you and that includes being alone and able to enjoy your own company.

    When someone leaves because you’re not “it” for him, look at the leaving as a blessing in disguise – a chance for you to regroup, and a space and opportunity for you to meet someone else that you will be much more mutually compatible with in the long run.

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  21. Breebree Says:

    The OP needs to get over this man that dumped her regardless of the reason and focus on men who want her and who she is more compatible with…

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  22. Vox Says:

    I totally get the three strikes thing. Well I do now – didn’t get it 15 years ago. At this stage, I know when certain behaviors are going to lead to a terrible, drama filled relationship. When I spot one, I mentally note it. When I spot another, I note it again. When I see a third one (or a repeat of a previous one) the two of us are finished, period. In fact, there are some behaviors in which a man is out on the first swing, no ifs and of buts. I suspect women feel this way just as often as men, X strikes and you are out. We women just have a hard time understanding man’s list of strikes even though we fully well understand our own list.

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