Comment: When your this age finding a mate is much harder, few good ones to chose from. I met the man I thought was perfect for me, on line. We saw each other for one week (yes we had sex)when he called and told me he had just ended a 7 month relationship only two months prior and felt he still needed more time. OK So I told him I had felt we had potential, was sorry that he felt that way, respected his wish, never called or tried to contact him.
One week later he texts and calls and asks me if I could help him with a gardening project (my main hobby) and could he buy me dinner. I agreed, we start seeing each other. Taking weekend romantic trips, spending most days and each weekend together. Doing projects around his house to make it more homey for him. He was at my house or me at his 90% of our off working hours. We laughed together to the point of tears, often. Spoke the love words, even talked about me renting my home and moving in with him. Then bammmmmm! He drops the I just want to be friends line on me. Say’s we’ll be life long friends. What gives?
What gives is that it became too close to an actual relationship so he bailed. The first sign that this was going to happen was that he came back to you just one week after telling you he wasn’t ready to date anyone. He did what a lot of people do and he took the whole “dating” thing off the table, thereby removing the pressure and obligation. As long as things stayed that way, simple and uncomplicated and undefined, things would be fine. But if you started to appear to be applying pressure or developing expectations in any way, this guy was going to bail.
Spoke the love words, even talked about me renting my home and moving in with him.
Okay.Something had to happen between this and when he gave you the boot. I’m not suggesting it’s something you did. My guess is that the topic got brought up in passing, off hand. It was just something to say because it felt right in the moment. Or it was a response to something you said and you heard what you wanted to hear. Whatever the case, you brought it up again, demonstrating to him that he possible locked himself in to something. So he bailed.
This guy was never going to stick around long term. Not in the capacity that you wanted. Like I said above, as long as things were easy to manage and involved little actual commitment, he stuck around.
The other red flag was his claim to still be grieving his 7 month relationship. Really? He got past all that residual stuff in a week? A couple months, maybe. But a week? Any time a man tells you upfront that he’s “just gotten out of something” avoid him. You don’t want to be anyone’s first post-breakup anything. That situation is fraught with all kinds of landmines. Online dating sites seem to be filled with men “just” out of a relationship or “dipping their toe back in to the dating pool.” Avoid, avoid, avoid. They are too beaten up and/or too caught up in the novelty of the whole online dating process to be available enough for a substantive relationship. Just looking to casual date someone? then give’ em a whirl. But if you are someone who only wants a long-term relationship, these people are not for you.
Like we said the other night, usually when a man makes a decision to cut ties, it’s permanent. If he does come back and behaves in a way that is inconsistent to his reasons for ending things, be on red alert. He either left in order to change the rules and get rid of them. Or he left because he met someone else and it didn’t work out. Or because he had no other options and figured you’d do for now.
There’s a reason why he dated his ex for 7 months, I’ll bet. My guess is this guy does this all the time. He meets someone, defines his terms in some way, and as long as things stay open ended to some degree he stays in the relationship. But the minute things appear to be becoming too serious or defined, he moves on.
You were just one more stop on his travels.