A Creative Way To Pull The Fade

While doing profile reviews this weekend, I came across one profile that had a very…creative…opening. small_jimmy hoffa finger

The gentleman in question must have been casually dating someone. Or maybe even multiple people. I’m not sure. Any way, he updated his profile to say the following. (I’m paraphrasing here.)

Updated as of November 26th: I’ve decided to head to XYZ for the winter. I’m sorry if I wasted your time. I hope you find what you are looking for.

At first I thought what he did was callous and cowardly. I still do to some degree. But then I thought what he did was rather clever. If I’m interpreting his words correctly, then he likely knew the woman or women he had been dating would log on to check his profile. Maybe instead of sending a woman the “It’s Not You, It’s Me” email, he just put his reasons for Fading in his profile?

I guess telling the woman (or women) about his move would have probably revealed more than he was comfortable admitting. Namely that he had likely been considering a move for some time and wasn’t upfront about it. You don’t just up and leave your home on a whim.

Now the woman doesn’t just feel abandoned, she feels duped. There really is no worse combination than that.

I’m trying to imagine how I’d feel if that were a guy I had been seeing and I read that. There she is, maybe on a bit of a high because she thinks she met this great and available guy. Then BAM! The rug gets pulled out from under her.

Which emotion would she feel first? Sadness? Anger? Indifference?

Which would have been better? Just Fading and not providing a reason? Or the honest truth…that he probably knew this was a real possibility and either never mentioned it or didn’t feel the need to discuss it with you?

I feel like most of us have come to accept the Fade as par for the course when it comes to online dating. (If you haven’t you should.)  When it’s done you just sort of shrug it off and say to yourself, “Next.” The worst part of not doing that is the mental torture you put yourself through trying to figure out the exact moment where things went wrong. Rarely do we consider that this was going to happen all along and that it was just a matter of when.

Someone said in a comment recently that we’re supposed to know what certain reasons and excuses mean. We’re supposed to know that “let’s be friends” means “Please don’t think I’m an asshole.” We’re supposed to know that someone simply glancing our way isn’t necessarily an invitation, but rather an almost involuntary reaction.

I think every dater – especially the online daters – have that moment when their cherry gets popped. There’s that initial burst of pain and then…you settle in to it and ride it out.

Does it make someone jaded and cynical to accept things like The Fade as the status quo?  Or are we just employing a mental bulwark in order to trudge on forward and keep at it?


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54 Responses to “A Creative Way To Pull The Fade”

  1. AP Says:

    I personally think some excuse, however lame or unbelievable, is better than a total fade personally. I just had a couple of good dates with someone, including a 7 hour one last night with plans to go out again tonight…only to receive a text this afternoon saying he’s realized he’s not totally over his ex and not ready to start something new. Who knows if that’s really the reason, but it was at least some kind of explanation as opposed to him doing a total fade & me wondering wtf went wrong.

    I think this particular guy mentioned in the article could have done better … it’s cowardly to put up a message like that if it was specifically directed to someone. My 2 cents.

    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      He was going to do it all along. He was just looking to get laid. When you didn’t have sex with him or go home with him, he moved on. The whole discussion about plans for the next night was to get you to go home with him. False sense of security.

      • AP Says:

        Interesting….because we actually talked about sleeping together the next night. So wouldn’t he have gone on that date to get what he wanted and then used the line if that’s what he wanted? I actually feel much better that he bailed when he did since I would have felt worse about the situation had we had sex, and then he gave me the ex line.

        • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

          No. If you were going to go as far as talking about having sex the next night, you may as well have slept with him that night. You ended up coming off like a cocktease/too much work so he bailed. I now take back my original assertion that he was just looking to get laid. He could have been looking for more, but saw the red flag and punched out.

          That would be a red flag to most men. If you’re going to wait until the second date strictly because it’s not the first date, you’ll end up looking insecure or immature. If it’s a case of “oh it’s the last day of my period, can we wait” thing, just tell him that. that’s a reasonable reason. But if that wasn’t the situation, then you shouldn’t have said anything at all or you should have just slept with him

          • AP Says:

            Ahh well… who really knows, but I wasn’t ready to sleep with him. We were drinking quite a bit and I’d much rather wait till we were more sober to make that decision, and talk it through instead of going with the moment. If that’s a red flag or too much work to him, then so be it. I do like to think before acting as a general code of conduct in life.

            As you mention above, I am shrugging my shoulders and saying ‘Next’…it happens.

            • Crotch Rocket Says:

              Why were you getting so inebriated on a second date that you questioned your judgment? That’s just dangerous. Yet, despite supposedly being inebriated, you were still obviously sober enough to put the brakes on, so your judgment appears to have been sound. (It’s a catch-22: if you’ve drunk enough to have questionable judgment, the last thing you’ll question is your judgment.) What’s really questionable is a 7-hour second date, though you blew right past that. Marathon dates create a false sense of intimacy without giving either person the time to think or evaluate the other’s behavior patterns.

              “I do like to think before acting” Thinking before acting is good, but then there’s analysis paralysis. If I’m on a date with a gal who’s talking about sex but not following through (though it’s either implicitly or explicitly promised the “next time”), I’d think she was a cocktease. In my experience, such women never seem to be “ready”–though they’re perfectly willing to dangle the possibility in front of the guy to get more dates (i.e. free meals, entertainment and attention) out of him. If you’re not ready to do it, you’re not ready to talk about it either.

              “I am shrugging my shoulders and saying ‘Next’” No, actually, he’s the one that nexted you; you’re spinning the story to make it sound like you nexted him, as if it was his fault, rather than take responsibility for your part in things not working out.

              • SB Says:

                wow, way to roast AP.

                What’s wrong with not doing something you aren’t comfortable with (sex) with a guy you barely know? It’s not her fault they didn’t work out; it’s no one’s fault really. The guy was obviously looking for something else so it wouldn’t work out for either of them. Blaming the women for not having sex “soon enough” is what is immature and quite appalling coming from such “mature” adults.

                Yes, he made the decision to “next” AP, but she isn’t “spinning the story to make it look like…” whatever. She is saying “oh well, didn’t work out.” not dwelling on it, and looking ahead. Which is exactly what Moxie meant.

                Sheesh, some of you people are really rude.

                Good outlook, AP, and good luck to you :)

                • DrivingMeNutes Says:

                  I don’t think it’s about “wrong” or” right” here, it’s about recognizing that there are conseqences to your actions. You can be arbitrary or downright stupid about sex, if you want to. Nobody’s arguing that it’s “wrong.” People are merely pointing out the consequences.

                  I am more inclined towatds Moxie’s original thought that the outcome was probably inevitable. That doesn’t mean that AP’s actions didn’t cause the guy to bail when he did. For me, if your actions suggest that you want to have sex, but you tell a giy that you won’t and make up an obviously bullshit reason, then you risk the guy thinking you’re playing games and moving on. Again, not wrong or right. Just cause and effect.

                  Basically, AP told the guy that she wanted to wait because sex on a third date while sober is soooo meaningful compared to sex while drunk on a second date. I would be scratching my head too. Get over it, they’re both equally meaningless. Sounds like people have been marinating in too many after-school specials. I think saying you can’t have sex when you’re drunk is like saying you can’t drive when you’re sober.

                • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

                  It’s not her fault they didn’t work out; it’s no one’s fault really. The guy was obviously looking for something else

                  If we’re not going to do the blame game, as you suggest, then why are you implying that the guy was “obviously” just looking for sex? You don’t know that. You’re assuming it. because he didn’t take her out the next night.

                  Blaming the women for not having sex “soon enough” is what is immature and quite appalling coming from such “mature” adults.

                  Ok. Let’s talk mature adults. Mature adults don’t talk about sex on a date unless they plan on having it. Mature adults don’t drink so much on a second date that they feel they have impaired judgment.

                  What’s wrong with not doing something you aren’t comfortable with (sex) with a guy you barely know?

                  Okay, but if that’s the issue, then I’d think talking about it with a guy you barely know would also make someone uncomfortable, no? Maybe there is a distinction for women, but not so much for men.

                  I also have trouble with this that it’s okay to get inebriated on a 2nd date to the point where you’re judgment is impaired. You’re comfortable enough with someone to get drunk on a second date, but not have sex with them?

                  This whole scenario lacks consistency

                  • SB Says:

                    Okay, I see your point. Maybe it’s just my generation, but guys always bring up sex before you actually have it (we don’t know who brought it up here). It’s like a way to feel it out, see if she bites, etc. Plus, if they were drinking, then it would definitely come up.

                    I think it is actually beneficial to talk about it beforehand; you get a feel for what they like, it’s out on the table so both parties can see where the other stands regarding timelines, and you can talk about any preferences. Plus, it’s fun and flirty.

                    It only takes feeling a bit buzzed (one drink perhaps?) to have impaired judgment. If you are into the guy and know you want to get physical, then sometimes it takes no drinks to make stupid decisions and overlook safety. Being impaired even a tiny bit could result in disastrous situations the next morning if proper precautions were neglected out of excitement. Have you never had drinks with someone you are very attracted to and know that you may “forget” a condom or bc or what have you just because you are in the moment? If your judgment is even slightly impaired, I think it is wise to wait. Of course, this depends on the individual, as I am sure some can still keep their heads on straight even in the moment.

                    I never said he was “obviously looking for sex” I said he was “obviously looking for something else” which, to me, meant a different type of woman. I know that both men and women date for the ultimate goal of getting laid, but I tend to allow that both are looking for someone they connect with first and/or are attracted to. I have lots of close male friends who talk to me about their dating lives and successes, so this is true for almost all of them. Thus, dating – to get to know someone and feel them out as a potential match. I think in this situation the sex issue probably had nothing to do with it. We just seem to like to focus on that around here.

                    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

                      Maybe it’s just my generation, but guys always bring up sex before you actually have it (we don’t know who brought it up here). It’s like a way to feel it out, see if she bites, etc

                      I think men and women do this equally. But where women flub up is that they bring up sex to see if the guy is just looking for sex. Well, maybe he wasn’t expecting to get laid before, but he probably is now! Men and women use the sex talk as a litmus test. I’d say it rarely every provides accurate feedback other than it lets a man know if a woman is a cocktease.

                      I never put any stock in the sex talk test. In fact, I began to consider it a red flag that the person initiating the conversation was bad in bed or insecure. People who get it and are good at it don’t have to talk about it.

                      Being impaired even a tiny bit could result in disastrous situations the next morning if proper precautions were neglected out of excitement.

                      I think this is overwrought. If someone throws caution to the wind and goes bareback when they’re drunk, they’d do it when they were sober, too. This is just another excuse women like to use to delay sex because it sounds valid.

                      I never said he was “obviously looking for sex” I said he was “obviously looking for something else” which, to me, meant a different type of woman

                      Right. A woman who wanted to have sex. That doesn’t make him wrong or bad.

                      I know that both men and women date for the ultimate goal of getting laid, but I tend to allow that both are looking for someone they connect with first and/or are attracted to. I have lots of close male friends who talk to me about their dating lives and successes, so this is true for almost all of them.

                      Your friends are either lying to you to spare you the harsh reality or you’re hearing what you want to hear. Most men don’t need the connection to have sex. But they do need to have sex to have the connection. As for attraction, they know within minutes if they’re attracted enough to a woman to have sex with her. What they are trying to surmise in those hours after is whether or not the woman is going to get clingy, needy or “crazy.”

                • Crotch Rocket Says:

                  “What’s wrong with not doing something you aren’t comfortable with (sex) with a guy you barely know?” There is nothing wrong with that. OTOH, if she chooses to talk about having sex with said guy but doesn’t follow through, what does that make her?

                  “It’s not her fault they didn’t work out” It’s not solely her fault, but she had a hand in it, which you are apparently trying to ignore, just like she did.

                  “Blaming the women for not having sex ‘soon enough’” That is not what I said at all. I find it interesting that there are two obvious solutions to the problem, yet you seem to see only one of them–and assume I do as well.

            • Howard Says:

              This is the rule. And it goes for men and women. Don’t get involved in talking about sex; just do it or don’t do it. If you are a guy you could come off as being pushy and offensive. If you are a woman, you can come off as a cock tease or worse. I have met my share of strange people.

              There was this woman who felt it was ok to tell me about her one night stands even though we were at date number four and hadn’t slept with each other. I have no idea why she would have felt that was smart.

              There was was this first date where a woman suggested we go back at her place after the date to talk, but got into a lenghty lecture about me not to try to make a move on her. We get back to her place and she is the one trying to put the moves on me, so I reminded her to follow her advice. She starts getting critical and insulting about everything about me the rest of the evening. I pull the fade on her, and she harrasses me with calls for a week.

              Dating is a game where we all have to kiss a lots of frogs to find our prince or princess.

              • Sweetwillows Says:

                “Ding! Ding! Ding!”

                Don’t get involved in talking about sex…just do it, or don’t do it. Thank you, that is a simple but very true statement.

                Ladies shouldn’t have sex before they are ready…ever. If he is going to walk because you are not ready, then let him walk. Men, shouldn’t hang around just for sex….if that is what you want, then find a willing participant who can open up on your time schedule.

                In the beginning very few people are honest about their intentions, and half the time they don’t know themselves…so balancing between openness and caution is a very tricky thing. Sometimes I don’t know how real relationships ever manage to happen….but occasionally they do.

                • Crotch Rocket Says:

                  “Don’t get involved in talking about sex…just do it, or don’t do it.” Well, that’s one possible solution, but there’s nothing wrong with talking about it if you intend to follow through.

              • P. Says:

                Mature adults thinking about a sexual relationship can’t talk about it first? Whether it’s part of some flirtatious banter to determine compatibility and build desire, you’re putting out the feelers to make sure the other person feels the same way, or it’s treated as a serious progression in the relationship, I think it’s fairly important to talk about it.

                Just doing it can work out well too — if you’re completely on the same page — but often talking about it can make it even better when it happens.

    • Stacey Says:

      Another option AP, is that he was dating (at least) two women and you were one of them. You were in the running but he ended up choosing to pursue the other (another) woman, before he had sex with you, so he wouldn’t have a completely guilty conscience. This way he also leaves the door open to come back to you if things don’t work out with the other one, by saying he is now “over his ex.”

      • AP Says:

        Could be, Stacey.

        But this guy just put himself on Match a week ago, and told me I was his first date & he was trying online dating out for the first time. He did talk about his ex – they broke up a month ago and dated for 18 months. He had thought she was “the one”. I heard a lot of their ‘crazy’ stories etc. near the end, and it’s not good protocol to talk about ex relationships that early in the game generally speaking, unless it’s on your mind that much.

        I’m really NOT that bummed out about the whole ordeal., I can take some responsibility for drinking a few rounds too much on date #2, but it was mostly because I was having a good time and I didn’t even realize how late it had become. But it was a holiday week, and neither of us had work the day of or the day after, so we met at 8;30pm and before we knew it, it was almost 3am between drinks and food at the bar. Because we had 5-6 rounds of drinks, the bartender also gave us a shot and a glass of champagne on the house. And perhaps we didn’t need the extras – I didn’t drink the shot. Regardless, I can take some responsibility for that and make a note to call it a night with less to drink the next time. Marathon dates do indeed create a false sense of closeness as someone mentioned.

        However ultimately, I went on only 2 dates with this guy and had a lot of fun. I didn’t invest so much time and I wasn’t the one who dropped a few hundred dollars either, so I can’t say I’m all dwelling on it either.I also had 5 other drink dates this week, and had fun on 4 of them. We talked about hanging out at his place the following night, for a more mellow night and I didn’t explicitly talk about having sex….but the stage was set for a possible sleepover. I was just replying to Moxie that if he was after sex, he may have waited to execute that date instead of bailing when he did. I certainly wasn’t going to sleep with him on date #2 because I was too drunk, it was too soon, I didn’t feel comfortable OR know him well. I’m also new to online dating and have quite a few options to sort through, as he prob does too.

        If he nexted me or I nexted him, that’s just the world of online dating…..there are a lot of options out there, and you move on. My point in reference to this article was I preferred getting a “out” instead of the guy doing a total fade, whether or not his excuse is a true one or not.

        • Stacey Says:

          Honestly to me it doesn’t sound like you did anything wrong AP. It’s not as if you were taking tequila shots on the second date while he was just drinking diet coke. You both had a good time.

          Even though it was his first week on match, he probably initially contacted a number of people, not knowing what to expect.. He may have had two dates with you and two dates with someone else. Since he is new to online dating he may have gotten overwhelmed by the options.

          As far as the “out” that he used on you, in my personal experience although from the female perspective, it’s the best one out of any of them for the possibility of reconnecting. I’ve only used it myself when I want to keep the door open to come back at some point (and actually have some time later). Otherwise I say I see you more as a friend, or I just don’t feel what I should be feeling at this point. It’s alot less convincing to resurface after saying that,.

        • Howard Says:

          As you wrote AP: I didn’t invest so much time and I wasn’t the one who dropped a few hundred dollars

          So who spends the money does matter. I know we have exhausted this theme on this board, but it needs to be pointed out.

          Let’s analyze this scenario. This guy drops a couple hundred bucks, invested time, knows he has the chance of sleeping with you the next time, and he still bails. So how is he the bad guy? You were testing him and he refused to be tested. That makes him a smart guy that knows when to cut his loses, in my book.

          Some guys hate being tested. Guess what, most women hate being tested too. I am not calling you the bad woman either for testing him. That is your way of doing things, and someone will eventually go along with that program. But I will tell you this, the real catches, men and women, don’t go along with testing. We face too much testing in everyday life, professionally, so we sure as hell don’t want our wind down time to be filled with testing and games and drama, even if the best sex on the planet is involved.

          • Saj Says:

            If you are so paranoid about being tested or used or think that a woman saying shell sleep with you soon is just a lure for more dates “free attention” that is a hellava lot of baggage you are carrying around. Good catches are smart without being paranoid and mistrustful.

            • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

              If you are so paranoid about being tested or used or think that a woman saying shell sleep with you soon is just a lure for more dates “free attention” that is a hellava lot of baggage you are carrying around.

              And what do you think women are doing when they say they want to wait until they’re comfortable? Like that isn’t tied to how much baggage and hang ups she has?

              I didn’t invest so much time and I wasn’t the one who dropped a few hundred dollars either,

              I’m sorry, but this is blatant mocking of the fact that the guy spent money on her and got nothing in return. Which just supports Howard’s argument.

              And I’m absolutely gobsmacked at the fact not ONE woman has commented on the fact that AP had a total of 6-7 drinks on this date with a man she “wasn’t comfortable with.” Maybe I’m just kooky this way, but I don’t slam drinks with men I fear might be out for just sex…unless I’m just looking for sex.

              • Breebree Says:

                I think it’s different for everybody. I think AP had every right to say no to sex with the guy for whatever reason. The reason isn’t all that important because at the end of the day you do it or u don’t.
                I think when she said she wasn’t comfortable with the guy she meant she wasn’t comfortable sleeping with him. Maybe she thought he was cool and nice and liked him and enjoyed hanging out and drinking with him but didn’t want to have sex with him.
                Even drug addicts will smoke crack with certain people but never sleep with them. I don’t necessarily think she feared he was just out for sex either. How do we know AP simply wasn’t ready to sleep with him. And I think she was responsible to not sleep with a man after having too much to drink.
                Because doing that is how folks have so many unplanned pregnancies and end up being baby mama’s and baby daddy’s. Or passing on some STD.
                Most things folks do while drinking they Do Not do while they are sober….which is why alcohol is also called “liquid courage”. If folks acted as buck wild sober as they did drunk then nobody would want or need to drink much to get a buzz or have fun or be loose or more carefree or whatever….liquor would serve no real purpose.
                And quite frankly the man could’ve slept with her and still “not been over his ex” and moved on. Obviously he was just looking for sex and she was looking for a relationship they are on opposite ends of the pole and whether she slept with him or not things aren’t likely to work in her favor and she is highly unlikely to get what she wants out of the deal which is a relationship.
                If she just wanted free dinners and drinks there are plenty of other men I’m sure who would take her out for free.

        • Saj Says:

          Can relate AP. Drinking can also raise the libido to the point where you would sleep with someone even though logically you’re not ready to emotionally handle it yet so kudos for knowing this about yourself ahead of time and doing the smart thing for you.

          I’ve had something similar happen to me years ago and there were zero regrets on my part for things ending and not sleeping together right before they did. There are far worse things in the world then being thought of as a cock tease and that seems like prude shaming to just sleep with everyone before you want to to avoid that label.

          And yes while it may seem rare I’ve had at least two guys tell me they broke things off with a girl because they knew sex was inevitable but knew they didn’t see her as anything long term and would have felt scummy if they went through with it it because it was obvious the girl really liked them. I’m not saying that’s what happened here but after 2 dates who really cares what his thought process was. It is what it is.

          As for the OP that is just weird. It’s a bit arrogant on his part to assume he’s going to be cyber stalked and she’ll read his note. He could have easily sent her an email stating the same thing and then just not read her replies if he wanted to end things with no discussion.

        • Goldie Says:

          AP said: “But this guy just put himself on Match a week ago, and told me I was his first date & he was trying online dating out for the first time. He did talk about his ex – they broke up a month ago and dated for 18 months. He had thought she was “the one”. I heard a lot of their ‘crazy’ stories etc. near the end, and it’s not good protocol to talk about ex relationships that early in the game generally speaking, unless it’s on your mind that much.”

          Based on this information, why hasn’t anyone here suggested that maybe the guy was not lying and is really not yet over his ex? Why is everyone trying to guess the guy’s hidden motives, when it looks a hell of a lot like he simply told AP the truth? To me it’s not that big of a stretch to imagine that he still isn’t over an 18-month relationship a month after it ended badly.

          • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

            I don’t doubt that he is still hung up on his ex. In fact, he didn’t even try to hide that. He was making it pretty obvious he was not looking for something serious. I don’t think that was a secret to either of them.

            But that’s not why he didn’t pursue the opportunity to have sex with her. That might have prevented him from pursuing a relationship, but not sex.

            • Cricri Says:

              Thinking guys automatically respond to sex offers is another one of those stereotypes that makes men look like desperate for sex. Why is it that the guy wouldn’t have turned down the potential sex and drama that might come with AP simply because he couldn’t handle it right now? Some people just want to know that they still got it, that they could hook up if they wanted, they’re just not in that space for now, not even in the rebound zone yet.
              We really have no idea what went through his mind. So trying to blame AP for something where major external factors could have played is just useless.

              • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

                Why is it that the guy wouldn’t have turned down the potential sex and drama that might come with AP simply because he couldn’t handle it right now?.

                He was likely turning down the sex because of the probable ensuing drama. You and I are actually saying the same thing here.

              • Goldie Says:

                After some thought, I agree with you, he probably felt that things were starting to look more serious than he could handle right now. And, not to blame AP again, but I can see how, from a guy’s standpoint, a woman saying that she’s not ready for casual sex right now, but will be in 24 hours, does sound a little… um, weird. I’d have instead told him that it’s almost 3AM, I have to leave now as I have stuff to do tomorrow morning, etc etc. That, at least, would have sounded somewhat logical.

            • Breebree Says:

              I agree with Moxie that him not being over his ex is a valid reason for him as a man not to pursue a relationship but still want sex from her.
              It’s kinda like when men are separated and going through a divorce they are more likely to sleep with another woman or other women during the separation as opposed to women.
              (at least thats what I’ve heard).

    • P. Says:

      AP didn’t say anything about how date #2 ended or whether sex was on the table at all that night. We know her thought process — she had a lot to drink but wasn’t going to sleep with him — but we don’t know his. Maybe he was tired or concerned about whiskey dick or had a sudden bout of the sads when he realized AP wasn’t his ex (why start telling stories about her on a date with someone else?). Or he was drinking as much as he did to give himself some false courage to have a good time with someone else, but found it just didn’t work. Alcohol is a depressant, and when you have way too much of it in a state where you’re already down, you typically get even more depressed.

      Jumping to the conclusion that he bailed because she wouldn’t have sex on date #2 presumes he wanted to but she put on the brakes, or otherwise presented him with drama (which it doesn’t sound like he was that averse to if he was telling “crazy” stories about the ex.) But we don’t know if HE wanted to have sex on date #2, just because he was a guy, or if they even talked about sex before the proposed date #3.

      Another reason not to have sex when you’re both really drunk….transportation issues. Unless you live in the city that never sleeps, you don’t want to ride home with someone who is too drunk to be driving, public transportation is probably not available, and getting back and forth between his place and yours may be problematic or costly in the wee hours of the morning if he’s not someone with whom you’re inclined to stay and snuggle or who you feel uncomfortable with at any point.

      Talking about going to his place (with sex implied) may be as much about the logistics as what happens when you get there. If she planned it and was sober, she could drive or make her own way to his place, tell a friend where she was going, judge her comfort level alone with him and limit her drinking accordingly, and be sober enough to make a quick exit if anything felt off about the situation. None of that would have been possible on date #2.

  2. P. Says:

    Two things that make online dating different than other kinds of dating are 1) you’re going to have a higher volume of dates than you would have in real life, since you have to do the pre-screening of the aforementioned strangers; and 2) you’re dealing with a bunch of strangers who feel less of an obligation to not be a douchebag than they would if they met you at work, through mutual friends, in a place you both frequently hang out, or through any other kind of existing life connection.

    So you’re going to get more versions of the Fade, due to volume, and they’re probably going to be more extreme, since they don’t think they’re ever going to see you again. If, every time you experience the Fade, you curl up into the fetal position to bawl and become incapacitated…you’re not going to be able to handle online dating. But, like Moxie says, you don’t want to become so jaded and cynical that you accept the Fade as the status quo, either.

    Productive ways to deal: like Saj has said, don’t get too invested after only a date or two; don’t completely lose your dignity when it happens by chasing after them for some kind of answer — if they want to be in touch, they will; don’t spend a bunch of time replaying everything in your head, because if it was going to happen, it was going to happen; and don’t reward those who Fade and then try to weasel back later by accepting their lies, because that teaches them that such behavior is acceptable and you’re gullible enough to believe whatever they tell you.

    I ran into a guy last night who pulled the Fade on me over a year ago. He was astonished I didn’t remember him (I didn’t until he told me his name); then claimed he had been in touch after he bailed an hour before our scheduled (4th) date never to be heard from again (he hadn’t); then said, “I was traveling, working in New York and London.” (They don’t have phones there?); Then it was, “Well, I was in a complicated situation at the time.” (I bet. So complicated he couldn’t operate the phone.) “But, I saved your card — see? — and I thought about you a lot.” (Oh yeah, that goes real far.)

    He later told me his divorce was final in May of this year, so I suspect that he wasn’t as separated as he claimed to be when we met last year. Whatever — it could have been any of a number of reasons. At the time, although it was upsetting, I picked myself up and said “Next,” and obviously not dwelling on it for very long was the best thing I could have done.

  3. nathan Says:

    I tend to agree with AP that receiving some sort of “out” or closure comment, even if it might not be true or fully true, is better than full on disappearance. Frankly, if someone isn’t interested just an acknowledgement of the time we spent together and/or a thank you and good luck really is enough for me.

    • Selena Says:

      And is that so hard really?

      In the post above, the guy couldn’t bring himself to actually say on the phone to the woman(en) he was dating he was opting to spend the winter out of state? What a little weenie. Grow up already.

      But yeah, some kind of explanation is better than no explanation, and better than the generic “to whom it may concern” nonsense on a profile.

  4. myself Says:

    Entirely cowardly, but unfortunately these days, nothing that people do surprises me in the slightest.

  5. Kurt Says:

    I don’t see what the big deal is. If he is only casually dating some woman, he owes her no obligation whatsoever.

    I also don’t see anything wrong with a man doing “the fade” if he has only gone out with a woman a few times. Women often simply fail to answer the phone or return calls when they aren’t interested, which is essentially the female version of “the fade.”

  6. Willywonka Says:

    You can tell a lot about a person’s character and maturity level by the way they handle this type of situation. Personally, I don’t think a formal goodbye is required if you’ve only gone out a few times, but if it’s any more than that, I do think letting someone know you’re not interested is a polite, respectful, mature thing to do. Even if it’s just a quick text or email. No further explanation necessary.

    Ignoring someone, not returning phone calls/texts, suddenly cutting off all contact, is very cruel. You’re essentially conveying to the individual being blown off that they don’t exist. And just because “everyone is doing it” doesn’t make it right. Unless the person is dangerous and you fear for your safety, I see no reason to behave this way. Part of being an adult is knowing how to handle uncomfortable situations. It’s very unpleasant having to tell someone you don’t want to date them anymore (and it’s even more unpleasant being on the receiving end of this news), but everyone has feelings and deserves to be treated with a little common courtesy.

    • Kurt Says:

      You have a point with respect to not answering the phone or returning calls if the man dated the woman for some time. However, I think that a lot of women think that if a man simply stops asking them out, that is also a “fade” in their eyes even if the man would answer the phone if the woman called him. That isn’t so bad if they were only casually dating.

      • Howard Says:

        I am so tired of guys being made out to be the bad ones. Sure there are guys of questionable intentions. But every time a situation does not work out and the woman gets left hanging, it somehow seems that the guy has to be made out as being bad. If a woman has no relationship with a guy, just a few dates and they never slept together, he really owes her no explanation, especially if he was the only one spending money.

        Women really can’t handle any type of rejection it seems, but they dish it out all the time without a care in the world, because they are supposedly picky. If I did a comparison of the number of times I rejected a woman vs the times a woman rejected me, It probably like maybe 20 to over 1000. And for the average guy, its’s probably the same odds. And women, be honest now, think about how many times you rejected guys vs the number of times guys who rejected you. You know you rejected a whole lot more guys than you had guys rejecting you.

        The last post we had a woman ignoring a guy making 4 calls to her in 48 hours which she didn’t answer, so she was the one doing the rejecting. And guess what, she was making him out to be the bad guy. So it seems the guy is always the bad one, whether he gets rejected or he is doing the rejecting.

  7. garvan Says:

    Cowardly and callous?

    He owed no one any explanation of his behavior, and so when he decides to do some nice by telling everyone he’s headed off (so stop bothering him and getting so upset he isn’t replying), he instead gets shamed?

    Did he put his penis inside you? Did he contribute the sperm to your baby?


    But yet somehow someone is entitled enough to take a look at a dating profile and take “I’m going away for the winter SORRY”, as cowardly and callous.

    Under the reasoning that as a man, it’s somehow a jerkish move if one does not put onto his profile every idea that he may or may not be considering for the next 5 years, because rampant harpies on the internet somehow deserve to know if he’s going to marry them or not. (Perhaps my bank info, credit card number, and professional references should also be included.)


    If you want to know the inner-workings of a particular man’s thought process, and the decisions he’s making, mebbe you should… I dunno…. ACTUALLY BE FUCKING HIM FIRST.

    That or your his mother, and then it might actually be acceptable for him to actually reveal his inner-workings.

    OTHERWISE UNDERSTAND THIS: When a man reveals his inner-workings, it takes away the magic of the ‘gina tingles you girls love so much. If things were clear, you’d be bored and fuck someone else who was making shit not clear, so you’ve no choice but to deal with the fact that the only thing that keeps your ‘gina tingling is that suspense that you never know for certain if he’s going to kick your ass to the side for a younger hotter version. (Hell, the fact he’s capable of it only makes you even more tingly)

    • Saj Says:

      Uh oh another disciple of the PUA community. Maybe the problem is your choice in girls who get tingles from vagueness. If you hate pretending to be somebody your not just to get girls interested then your going after the wrong girls and have become a nice bowl of bitter as a result.

      It’s ok to try to start liking the real you. Not what you read on the internet with a bunch of buzz words strictly meant to dupe insecure guys into buying their products, seminars, worksheets. Once you finally are ok with what you really are then girls who are actually compatible with you (not the insecure drunk party girls the PUA community tries to prey on) all that bitterness will magically wash away.

      • WO7 Says:

        What does this have to do with PUA? Sounds like your projecting your dislike for PUAs onto a completely unrelated topic.

        • Saj Says:

          gina tingles is what you hear all the time on those forums. Its the typical buzz words you dont hear in other places

        • P. Says:

          The whole last “OTHERWISE UNDERSTAND THIS:” paragraph is straight out of the PUA strategy manual…how to find a hot but insecure woman and keep her that way so that she remains glued to your side and servicing your every need, until you determine that she’s unworthy of your presence (not “relationship material,” like you ever planned to be in one anyway). Then you pull some kind of spectacular Fade (like “sorry I didn’t tell you that I’m moving to another state for the next several months”), and tell all your friends about this crazy woman who went off the rails because she felt abandoned and duped (because she was.) Then you move on to the next tingly ‘gina and repeat the process.

          I’m not saying all guys are like that, or even that many, but those who consider themselves PUAs…they’ll pretty much acknowledge the techniques, but not the collateral damage, because, you see, the women were broken to begin with (that’s why they picked them.)

          • garvan Says:

            If someone strings you along, you’ve only got yourself to blame for doing so.

            I mean, here is the damn truth about it: You wouldn’t have been strung along if you weren’t already getting something out of it, or if you weren’t hoping to get something out of it.

            So instead of blaming the game, or the players, blame your own greed and possessiveness in light of the reality of this world.

            That reality of course being, it’s absolutely impossible to ever truly own anyone.

    • P. Says:

      You know, garvan, I would tend to agree with you in that if you’re not involved with someone, you don’t owe them an explanation of your behavior or an itinerary. But the guy’s profile statement sure sounds like he’s addressing one or more women he’s involved with…

      >>I’m sorry if I wasted your time. I hope you find what you are looking for.

      I don’t think you have to apologize for wasting the time of someone who’s only read your profile…why would they care whether you go away for the winter?

      But someone you’ve been out with several times? slept with? led to think you were interested? That’s usually when the “I’m sorry for wasting your time” faux apology gets broken out, which is why seeing it on an online profile raises eyebrows. (I say faux because it isn’t usually a real apology for wasting your time (they’ve probably done it before and will do it again), but a “please don’t be mad at me for being a douchebag” comment.)

      I had a similar situation involving a guy I’d been out with once, and had done a lot of email/chat with due to our respective schedules. He wanted to go out again with only two days notice, and I wasn’t free that night, but proposed some alternatives. He wrote back, “I guess we’ll never get to go out again then.” I thought he was being overly dramatic, but he was being transferred to another city through his job, and I didn’t find that out until I later checked his profile and saw a new city listed.

      It wasn’t going to work out anyway since he didn’t live here any more, but I was surprised that I had to learn of his departure through his profile. It sounds like something similar was happening here, where he had one or more people involved with him, and didn’t want to break the news any other way.

      • Howard Says:

        Look, the only women that will make a man feel bad about something he did not do, are: a possible boss at work, his mother, his daughters and a the significant other he his sleeping with. So the women on this board need to quit with this nonsense about making a guy out to be bad because he did not continue towards a relationship with this woman. If he had continued and then screwed her over, then fine, but that is not the case.

        Women feel it’s their god given right to pull the “I don’t feel chemistry thing” at will, and ignore call and texts, but absolutely refuse to accept a guy doing the same.

        • P. Says:

          >>>Women feel it’s their god given right to pull the “I don’t feel chemistry thing” at will, and ignore call and texts, but absolutely refuse to accept a guy doing the same.

          That’s simply not true. I’ve experienced it a number of times. Sometimes the guy actually says “I don’t feel any chemistry,” or “I don’t feel like we’re a match,” or “let’s be friends” or something that makes it clear that he is not attracted to me. OK, fine, next. Sometimes the guy doesn’t say anything, and just never calls again. If he wanted to, he would, so if he doesn’t, that either means he’s ambivalent or not interested. Occasionally if I was really interested, I would get in touch, and he would either half-heartedly respond, or wouldn’t respond at all. OK, fine, next.

          Then there are the ones who make up all kinds of lies. You know they’re lying; they know they’re lying…it’s insulting, because I don’t like to be lied to, and I’m fine with them either saying something true but vague like “no chemistry” or “let’s be friends” or just not calling back. And the ones who really get to you — the ones who go out of their way to make sure you like them, that you don’t think they’re lying, that they’re the exception…but are lying anyway. Maybe you’ve gone out a bunch of times, or slept together, or deepened the relationship…but they give you some line that you believe, and then still bolt.

          “…but absolutely refuse to accept a guy doing the same.” How is it we have a choice? Even if we call them scum of the earth douchebags to our friends or to a blog…they’re not going to keep dating or enter relationships with us, and they’re not going to sleep with us. Or if they do, we know it’s only that, so it’s either put up with it (if there are no other options available or your self-esteem is in the toilet and you simply don’t care); or send them on their way, only to be called “too picky” or a “cocktease.”

          Every woman who has done a significant amount of dating (i.e., is of average to below average looks, less-than-perfect body, is in her 40s, has children, or who has some other significant dating strike against her) has experienced this.

          • Howard Says:

            And so has every guy in the same position, but they don’t bitch and moan. They are too busy looking for the next woman. But I do understand on some level what is happening. The key is really in my second sentence.

            Women wait for the next guy to hit on her and that creates frustration leading to the constant whining on these types of boards. It’s so much easier for guys to get past the rejection by proactively doing something.

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