While doing profile reviews this weekend, I came across one profile that had a very…creative…opening.
The gentleman in question must have been casually dating someone. Or maybe even multiple people. I’m not sure. Any way, he updated his profile to say the following. (I’m paraphrasing here.)
Updated as of November 26th: I’ve decided to head to XYZ for the winter. I’m sorry if I wasted your time. I hope you find what you are looking for.
At first I thought what he did was callous and cowardly. I still do to some degree. But then I thought what he did was rather clever. If I’m interpreting his words correctly, then he likely knew the woman or women he had been dating would log on to check his profile. Maybe instead of sending a woman the “It’s Not You, It’s Me” email, he just put his reasons for Fading in his profile?
I guess telling the woman (or women) about his move would have probably revealed more than he was comfortable admitting. Namely that he had likely been considering a move for some time and wasn’t upfront about it. You don’t just up and leave your home on a whim.
Now the woman doesn’t just feel abandoned, she feels duped. There really is no worse combination than that.
I’m trying to imagine how I’d feel if that were a guy I had been seeing and I read that. There she is, maybe on a bit of a high because she thinks she met this great and available guy. Then BAM! The rug gets pulled out from under her.
Which emotion would she feel first? Sadness? Anger? Indifference?
Which would have been better? Just Fading and not providing a reason? Or the honest truth…that he probably knew this was a real possibility and either never mentioned it or didn’t feel the need to discuss it with you?
I feel like most of us have come to accept the Fade as par for the course when it comes to online dating. (If you haven’t you should.) When it’s done you just sort of shrug it off and say to yourself, “Next.” The worst part of not doing that is the mental torture you put yourself through trying to figure out the exact moment where things went wrong. Rarely do we consider that this was going to happen all along and that it was just a matter of when.
Someone said in a comment recently that we’re supposed to know what certain reasons and excuses mean. We’re supposed to know that “let’s be friends” means “Please don’t think I’m an asshole.” We’re supposed to know that someone simply glancing our way isn’t necessarily an invitation, but rather an almost involuntary reaction.
I think every dater – especially the online daters – have that moment when their cherry gets popped. There’s that initial burst of pain and then…you settle in to it and ride it out.
Does it make someone jaded and cynical to accept things like The Fade as the status quo? Or are we just employing a mental bulwark in order to trudge on forward and keep at it?