Here’s an interesting article from The Frisky.
http://www.thefrisky.com/2011-11-28/girl-talk-i-snooped-his-online-dating-profile/
For the record, I think that this story is a tad overwrought given the fact she never appeared to be terribly in to the guy in the first place.There seems to have been a lot of assumptions made without any form of actual communication. The author also seems to be looking for ways to make the guy out to be more dishonest than he was while relieving herself of any responsibility. But that’s par for the course for pieces like this. This is typically how we frame these types of tales. The guy is always more wrong than we are.
I’ve been in this woman’s position. I think many of us have. You don’t really want him as a boyfriend or for a relationship. You know it’s never going to turn in to something serious or real. But you still can’t help getting caught up in the idea of it and feel flattered by some of the things he says or does.
You consciously know this guy is not good for you. Yet you still get like a 15 year old with a crush whenever he pays you attention or says things that imply he cares or values you more than he does or should.
Then, when he reveals himself to be a fraud of sorts, you get angry. Not because he intentionally tried to mislead you, but because you believed him. More accurately, you believed his words. You’re not sad that the relationship ends. And you’re not jealous that he moves on. You’re pissed the hell off that you believed his words.
Friends will suggest that maybe you had more feelings than you thought or claimed. You know that’s not it. This isn’t an issue of a broken heart. It’s about a bruised ego. How dumb or lonely or delusional must I have been to believe any of that when all the facts pointed to him being a duplicitous jerkface? Yes. Jerkface. He makes you feel 15, remember?
I truly believe that the Universe delivers us moments that let us know who someone really is. Maybe it’s an online dating profile. Maybe it’s a Facebook profile photo. Usually it’s such a tiny thing that, at the time, we don’t recognize it as what it is. We’re getting a glimpse into who this person really is when they think nobody is looking.
Initially we think an instance like that is a door closing. But actually it’s a window opening, leading you to a deeper understanding of yourself and why you went there in the first place.
You got involved with someone that wasn’t good for you. You chose to ignore all the red flags. You consciously kept yourself suspicious and hyper-aware and astute to everything he said or did. You thought you were smarter and better than that. Only…you weren’t.
But you are now. That’s what matters.
You don’t really want him as a boyfriend or for a relationship. You know it’s never going to turn in to something serious or real. But you still can’t help getting caught up in the idea of it and feel flattered by some of the things he says or does. You consciously know this guy is not good for you. Yet you still get like a 15 year old with a crush whenever he pays you attention or says things that imply he cares or values you more than he does or should. Then, when he reveals himself to be a fraud of sorts, you get angry.
If you’ve dated a fair amount, you’ve almost certainly been confronted with this moment. If it’s been suggested that you’re not emotionally available to guys who really want you, why here’s a real live guy who appears to really want you. He’s doing all the right things, superficially at least, but it’s also setting off your alarm bells, because it seems like too much too soon, or it doesn’t feel completely genuine, or there’s something about it that just feels off.
So you wonder…do you remain open and start to believe it? Or do you listen to your instincts and shut it down? You want to test it somehow, but you don’t want to be the woman who is always testing her guy and making him jump through hoops for your benefit. Hopefully, time will tell, and the Universe will give you the moment that Moxie describes before you’re in too deep, but you can’t always count on that. Sometimes, especially if he’s really good at what he does, you just have to experience the Jerkface and call it life. And hope that you’ve learned enough to at least screen out the amateur jerkfaces next time, and not screen out the ones whose interest and enthusiasm is genuine.
It’s not that all guys are assholes, or even many. Most aren’t. It’s just that the ones who are….really really are.
Well-loved. Like or Dislike:
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I don’t feel sorry for this woman at all. She was pretending to be into him, in order to be with someone who was seemingly more into her than she was into him. This is evident from the fact that once he stopped being so attentive, she reverted to her true self and became needy and insecure. They were both pretending to be someone they weren’t, so they both got what they deserved.5
Hot debate. What do you think?
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Yeah, I don’t have much sympathy either. Nor do I buy the part about how “her friend” found his dating profile. Anybody who goes along with someone that professes love after 2 or 3 dates is obviously either totally needy and delusional themselves or only using the situations for attention.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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I found that odd. Why would it occur to her friend be looking for her? There is more than one dating site too.
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My best friend and I are on the same dating service, and when we were both actively using it, it would often serve up the same guys as matches, since we are in the same age range, live in the same city, and have similar preferences and answers to matching questions. Luckily it wasn’t complete overlap and we weren’t going out with the same guys, but it could have happened. It’s a small world out there, even in major cities.
I also was served up as matches several guys that I knew already as part of my professional circles. I saw one of them a couple of months ago at an event with someone he appeared to be actively dating. Sure enough, a couple of days after I saw him, he updated his profile to “seeing someone.”
So it’s not that unheard of to see guys you know — and know well enough to be familiar with their dating life — on your online dating service. I haven’t run across the OP’s situation yet, but I can totally see how it could happen.
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I’m missing the part where she was pretending to be into him. We’ve had a number of conversations here about the need to be wary of guys who either 1) go way too fast by saying they love you and/or calling you their girlfriend right away; or 2) act like they’re really into you and jealous of other guys, but aren’t willing to make any kind of commitment themselves in terms of monogamy or exclusivity.
This guy sounds a lot like Marshmallow’s guy, and she was given all kinds of grief for missing the “obvious” warning signs. And I think Disinterested had a similar situation as well, where the bulk of the advice was not to trust someone who is going so fast until you’ve had a chance to evaluate his actions.
This guy was textbook exhibit A of the kind you’re supposed to be very skeptical about until enough time passes that you can conclude their actions match their words. Yet when she was wary, that means she was never into him? If she was willing to consider monogamy and exclusivity right away, and engaging in lots of long IM sessions and phone calls, plus staying in touch while she’s away, it sounds like she *was* into him, yet worried that it was all too good to be true. Which it was.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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I’ve had that before where a guy would flatter you but you weren’t interested and then you find out he is flattering other girls and that bizarre irrational jealousy starts to flare up and you feel stupid for feeling that way when you didn’t want him to begin with.
Some girls may try to pursue him at that point just to make those icky feelings go away but I’ve just shut down completely when that happens and have ended the friendship/correspondence/whatever it is and wait for the icky feelings to pass. Girls can get strangely possessive of their attention sources no matter the package it comes in.
Well-loved. Like or Dislike:
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