Question: What do you make of this? I’ve been using various online dating websites for the past 4 years off and on. I’ve had 3 brief relationships in that time, all lasting about 6-9 months. This week a man emailed me that I’ve seen on this site and one other that I used a couple years ago. I emailed him once before about 2 years ago and he didn’t respond. Every time I’ve gone back to these websites in the last 4 years, he’s been there.
I have two questions:
Why is he emailing me now? I do have 2 new photos on my profile but still use 3 others that I’ve been using for the past 2 years.
Is it a bad sign that he’s been on these sites for what appears to be multiple years and still hasn’t met anyone?
Michelle – 41, NYC via Facebook
Why is he emailing you now? Probably because he’s gone through all his other options. That and/or the new photos you posted are more flattering. But I’m going to lean more towards the former than the latter. At least this isn’t someone you actually went out with emailing you again after several years.
It’s not odd that he is on multiple sites. Most people are. I always tell people in our teleclasses that they should be on one paid site, one free site and one niche site. So that’s not a bad sign. The more people you’re exposed to, the more likely you’ll meet someone.
I’ve gotten those emails from men on those sites. The ones who have been on there as long as I have and get around to contacting me after a few months. My profile had always been there. So I can only assume that I was not deemed worthy of a first round draft choice, and the guy was breaking in to his second round stash because the first round didn’t go so well for him.
It’s also not necessarily a bad sign that, in 3-4 years, he doesn’t appear to have met anyone. That you know of, of course. Although I don’t blame you for being wary. I would be too. But let’s take a step back and look at the possible reason for this.
1. He’s had a few relationships, nothing that turned serious, and kept his profile active.
2. You only think his profile has been active all this time and it hasn’t.
3. He decided that maybe he was being too picky and adjusted his expectations.
4. He’s worn down by the process and giving his second tier choices a shot.
5. He finds your profile photos to be more attractive this time around.
6. He has issues that make it difficult to maintain a relationship.
7. He’s too picky.
8. He’s just looking to hook up and decided you’ll do for tonight.
As you can see, the reasons are split pretty much 50/50. Either he’s not good with relationships or too picky OR he just hasn’t met the person that is right for him yet. The only way you’re going to know what’s up is to meet him and decide for yourself.
Should you learn that, in the however many years he’s been online dating, that he hasn’t had many on going relationships with women (that have lasted more than a couple/few months) , then you should be concerned. (Same goes for a man in the situation.)
I’ll say it, and this might not go over well, but if someone is truly open to or looking for a serious relationship, actively dating and using online dating sites or whatnot, and is reasonably attractive and hasn’t been able to find anyone to stick around, there’s a reason. And it’s not by choice, and it’s not their job, and it’s not that they refuse to settle. Either something about their picker is off, they way over-estimated their value in the marketplace, or they are emotionally unhealthy. I would be just as skeptical as the OP in this situation. I would also be a hypocrite, and I totally admit that. But at least the OP has been able to have relationships that spanned longer than a few months. That has to speak to her state of mind and availability.
Frankly, I think he’d be a fool to admit that he hasn’t dated anybody ongoing for the past several years. If he’s smart, he’ll lie. Oh stop it! You know as well as I do that anybody in the OP’s shoes would immediately be unsettled upon hearing that someone who has been on those sites for several years hasn’t been able to meet someone. Get over your moral outrage that people lie in order to advance themselves in certain situations.
None of this means that he can’t have a healthy relationship. It just means that, in the past 4 years, there were somethings going on with him that prevented him from connecting with someone. That could be anything from an illness, to a job, to – yes – emotional issues. But you won’t know what is what unless you meet him. Who knows? He could have been in therapy for the past several years and figured some stuff out.
You’re never going to be able to size up every situation accurately. Like I said above, OP, this guy might lie and tell you he had a long term relationship in the past 4 years. You will never know for sure what the real story is. You don’t know that about anybody that you meet. Only spending time together will give you some insight. And even that won’t be 100% accurate. So you have to get rid of any need you might have to have a complete work up on someone’s relationship history or background. If someone is going to lie or cheat or use you, it’s already decided, and they know how to cover their tracks. You will not see it coming in some cases.
It’s fine to be cautious and have your personal guidelines and such. But you have to accept the fact that, as you continue on in your search, you’re going to get played eventually. It won’t kill you. It won’t make you damaged goods unless you choose to endure the beating for too long.
You’re never going to have all the answers. And even if you did, there will always be unknown factors that you can not control.