You Are Not a Fool For Being Ditched, Duped or Pumped & Dumped

Name: Robin
State: VA
Age: 31
Comment: So here it goes.

I met this guy online that I have been dating for about a month. I really like/d him.  Initially, I told myself (and him) that I didn’t want to have sex until I was in a relationship. However the night of our third date, after a few glasses of wine and making out I broke that promise to myself.

While at the time I wanted to do it, afterwards I was disappointed in myself because it happened pretty early (2 weeks in) and went back on my word to him.

Despite the fact that we had sex earlier than I would have liked, things were going ok. We go out, and don’t always have sex when we do.  We don’t talk too much on the phone and text here and there. “Good night”, “good morning”, “how was your day”. That kind of thing. When we are in person on our dates we talk more. I would like to talk more to him when not on dates but I didn’t make a huge deal of it.

Anyway fast forward to now. We were supposed to get together on Saturday to go on a date. Throughout the week I couldn’t get him to nail down a time when we chatted via txt the Thursday before. So on Saturday afternoon, I get a txt from him that he’s not feeling well, he needs to reschedule.

I call him immediately after I received the txt to find out if he needed anything. He didn’t pick up. Then silence. No return call or txt that day.

The next day I send him a txt that I was wondering why txt instead of call to cancel, that I called and since he has not responded I can only assume he isn’t interested in continuing or is with a woman, that I liked him but could take a hint. Then I said goodbye. (I kinda jumped the gun but it all just seemed fishy to me at the time).

Prior to the broken date on Saturday I was really considering becoming more serious with him but after the way things happened I changed my mind and sent him the txt.

I felt that he could have at least txt back and said you know I feel really bad – can’t talk. I sent the txt the day after b/c time had passed and that made me think what I sent in the txt. I didn’t think that at first but when I know he’s basically attached to his phone at all times, it just seemed weird that he would break the date via txt then not pick up when I called and not call/txt back.

He calls me after that text, irritated and pretty mad about the txt and my jumping to conclusions. He said he was sick and that’s why he didn’t respond. He sounded fine and was clearly out and about (I could hear noise in the background).

We talked more and I started to feel bad about the txt and apologized for making him mad but explained that I was left to make conclusions because there was no response from him. It is very early in us getting to know each other. People do the fade, people pump and dump. I thought that’s what he was up to. He said I should’ve just trusted that what he said was the truth.

Now, I think he thinks I’m a crazy woman when I feel like I was just trusting my gut. Now I’m second guessing my decision. Certainly I have run in to guys who are less than sincere and I was trying to protect myself but maybe I went too far?

Not sure if there’s anything I can do about it either way. We ended the call without either of us saying where we would leave things. My txt pretty much ended it but we talked after :/ He may just write me off. After our conversation, I would give him another chance but, I wouldn’t reach out to him first to do so.

Thoughts about if I am crazy for doing what I did?

Do I need to just stop dating for awhile until I can trust more?

Should I contact him or just let it go?

If he contacts me should I give him another chance?

 

This guy wasn’t terribly interested in the first place. So regardless of how you handled his last minute cancellation, he was going to bail eventually. Maybe he was sick. Maybe he wasn’t. That’s all pretty irrelevant. He waited until the last possible minute to cancel – Saturday afternoon.

He didn’t pick up the phone when you called because he assumed you were going to be mad and he wished to avoid you. I’d also guess that he had a bit of a guilty conscience. He knew what he did was inconsiderate and he didn’t want to be nor did he care enough to be called out on it. Someone who cared wouldn’t do that. They’d have picked up the phone if they were in a situation where they could. And while I’m sure you believe that you called “just to see if he needed anything” I’m thinking there was more to it than that. You called him because you sensed something was a miss and wanted to check up on him. You could have simply sent him a text asking if he needed anything. You called because you wanted confirmation that he was, indeed, sick. Which, btw, he wasn’t. He was likely blowing you off, and doing it in a douchey way so that you’d get pissed and hopefully ditch him. Guys, when will you learn that this rarely works? Either we know what you’re doing and refuse to make it easy for you or we’re so invested in the situations we refuse to walk away witout a fight.

We go out, and don’t always have sex when we do.

Anyhoo…you’re first real red flag was that you would hang out and not have sex after you had already started having sex. Yes, I know. It’s just soooo adorable that he can hang out with and not push for sex. He’s such a gentleman. He doesn’t try to kiss you on the first date. That means he really likes you and is not just in it for the sex. As opposed to those other mashers who buy you dinner or drinks and want to sleep with you. They’re the ones to watch out for because they want SEX! Well, this guy clearly didn’t make sex a priority and he still ended up dumping her. So there goes that logic. Hate to break it to ya, but the sex or lack thereof is not a determining factor as to whether the guy is genuinely interested. If he’s not trying to have sex with you, especially after you’ve already had sex, he’s on the fence. At best. Or he just doesn’t care for sex. Now, if you’re not terribly sexual then that works. Which is why I believe that women who get all aflutter over men who don’t try to make a move or express interest in sex early on really just don’t like sex and are releived that the guy doesn’t appear too interested in sex, either.

However the night of our third date, after a few glasses of wine and making out I broke that promise to myself.

The wine had nothing to do with it. You merely did what you wanted to do. That’s why this whole “oh, dates that involve alcohol don’t mean anything” crap is useless. Unless you’re swinging by a chandelier after a few cocktails, you’re merely acting upon urges that were already present. If you fear getting tipsy on a date because you can’t trust yourself, that should be enough to tell you that these guidelines you live by are junk. Alcohol doesn’t make THAT much of a difference. What you do drunk, you’d do sober. The booze just gives people (women mostly) an excuse to let go of silly rules. Having sex with this guy on date 3 is not why he dumped you. He dumped you because he probably determined he wasn’t into you enough to you to pursue anything further. The whole canceling/text thing was just a way to speed up the process.

He said I should’ve just trusted that what he said was the truth.

While I agree that you totally screwed up by sending that accusatory sex, like I said, the end result would have been the same even if you hadn’t. All you did was give him a justifiable reason to bail so that now he doesn’t look like a jerk. He’s right that you didn’t trust him. But you were right in not trusting him. Unfortunately, you played right in to his hand and made his job easier.Now he can walk away guilt free.

Thoughts about if I am crazy for doing what I did?

Do I need to just stop dating for awhile until I can trust more?

Should I contact him or just let it go?

Oh no. This relationship is deader than disco. Over and out. Don’t even bother trying to reconcile anything. He wanted out, he got it. That’s it. You were not “crazy” for sending the text. In a situation like that, when someone strings you along without nailing down a date and/or cancels last minute, all you need to do is say, “No problem. Feel better!” and then cross him off the list and move forward. 9 times out of 10, they’re blowing you off. So be it. That’s how they choose to do it. It’s not right. It’s not wrong. That’s just how most people choose to handle the situation.

This isn’t an issue of you not being able to trust other people. You didn’t trust yourself enough to listen to your instincts. You panicked, fearing this guy was using you or going to leave you and oh my god I need to fix that or else that means I’m an idiot who was pumped and dumped and I may never meet anyone else. One? You’ll meet someone else. There’s tons of men out there. Two? This situation happens to EVERYONE. Men. Women. All of us. It doesn’t mean he was using you or dishonest. Maybe he was. But that doesn’t matter, as he plays no significant role in your life. It just wasn’t right. That’s all you need to know.

I keep saying this…there is no award for being the person who was duped the least. The people who take such comfort in being un-dupable are really just terrified to fail. They’d rather be right than be happy. Side note: You can’t be truly happy if you refuse to be fooled. You will always be waiting for the other shoe to drop. And it almost always does. You might find some loyal dog who will follow you around and indulge your whims and insecurities. That’s not being happy. That’s just being afraid to be alone.

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43 Responses to “You Are Not a Fool For Being Ditched, Duped or Pumped & Dumped”

  1. P. Says:

    So you’ve been seeing each other for about a month. You’ve been having sex for a couple of weeks — several times, I’m guessing, since if it had been just once, you probably would have said it that way. So you’re now to the point that our male posters talk about where once the mutual attraction and sexual compatibility is established, they’re then trying to figure out whether you’re going to bring the crazy.

    You spend the week trying to pin him down on a time for Saturday, even after it seems you were getting some pushback. Then you didn’t believe him when he said he was sick and kept badgering him that day. Then the next day, you send the “goodbye” text.

    It’s possible he was planning to pump and dump. It’s also possible that you got more clingy after you slept together, wanting him to talk more and be in more frequent contact, and nail down dates further in advance…basically assuming that you were now in a relationship instead of still just casually dating, all because you were sleeping together. You said you were going to get more serious with him — but what if that wasn’t what he wanted or intended?

    And then when he didn’t bite, you got angry and sent him a pissy text, which pretty much confirms that you were going for the lockdown. Nothing you’ve said indicates that he owes you anything yet…not a specific date on Saturday if he hadn’t set a time and place, or that he has to be sick enough for it to carry into Sunday for it to have counted on Saturday. (I was not feeling well enough yesterday to go through with any of my anticipated plans — spent half the day napping after a stressful work week which carried into the weekend — and am perfectly fine today. That’s how it goes sometimes.)

    What happened with you is what seems to happen a lot…woman sleeps with guy “too early” for her tastes (i.e., before a commitment has been established) and then is disappointed that a commitment does not magically appear even if the sex is good and both seem to be enjoying it along with each other’s company. Either you have to live with the fact that there’s no commitment yet, and proceed at the same pace you have been, or you have to wait until you feel there’s more of a commitment in existence (which runs the risk of having him skedaddle if he’s not inclined to wait and/or doesn’t think he wants a commitment with you.)

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  2. Saj Says:

    Um the fact the OP had sex and was now attached and hypersensitive to everything he did and constantly second guessing herself before they had any sort of relationship established was a contributing factor to this early onset drama. It was how she dealt with it rather then him.

    She’s disappointed in herself and was probably looking for more validation from him that he cares and liked her more then he obviously did thus probably the break up text in the hope of eliciting an emotional reaction out of him. Oh he ignores me and wont answer my calls? Threatening to break up will certainly get his attention and force him to call me back.

    I agree that he would have dumped her eventually anyway due to his flakey behavior but it’s good to try not to get too invested in someone early on to avoid feeling panic and anxiety when someone suddenly becomes hard to get a hold of. It’s easier to shrug and go guess this one isn’t working out then if your already feeling guilty and holding on to this budding relationship in the hopes of validating your poor decisions.

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    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      Despite the fact that we had sex earlier than I would have liked, things were going ok. We go out, and don’t always have sex when we do.

      Sounds like things were fine after the sex. She wasn’t freaking out after the sex. She freaked out because he blew her off. Whether they had sex or not, she was probably going to react the same way. The underlying issues were already there. The sex had little to do with it. Women like to say this and use the oxytocin excuse, but they were going to get attached regardless. They use sex as the excuse for becoming too attached, when they were already pre-disposed to get attached too quickly. Just like the use alcohol to justify why they had sex. That way they can pinpoint the implosion of the new relationship on something other than themselves. It’s easier to say, ‘Oh…there was this magical hormone in my body that made me get attached to him. THAT’S why I freaked out” than it is to say, “Oh. I’m just really insecure and needy and don’t trust myself and THAT’S why I freaked out. ”

      It’s also much more acceptable to say, “Well, the booze clouded my judgement which is why I slept with him” instead of saying, “I was horny and I like sex” because that makes them a slut. Well, in the eyes of their other women and ego-centric/insecure guys, of course.

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      • Selena Says:

        I agree there are some women who are pre-disposed to getting attached too quickly to a man. It’s an emotional/psychological issue – not the result of the temporary hormone oxytocin. They don’t ever seem to want to acknowledge that though.

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  3. D Says:

    I keep saying this…there is no award for being the person who was duped the least.

    This is an excellent point. For a relationship to proceed, at some point you’re going to have to be willing to be vulnerable. Interestingly, Over the last year I’ve been willing to be vulnerable much sooner than I did in the past and the side effect is that my dates in general are much more “real” and thus more comfortable for both of us.

    Note: vulnerable is not the same as needy. It’s one thing to be willing to share your insecurities and fears. It’s another thing to present them as “look how pathetic I am” and immediately seek assurances that you’re really ok.

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  4. Ken Says:

    In today’s day & age if people are not communicating it is because of one basic reason: He chooses not to. Sure texts get delayed…for 5 minutes. It was rude of him to cancel in the first place via text msg. It was equally rude not to accept your call when you know he had possession of his phone 2 minutes earlier. He had a better opportunity suddenly materialize for Saturday night. He also had you safely squared away. As for his “better opportunity” I suspect that date didn’t go so well, thus the phone call a day later. Next thing he does is turn it around & blame you, (I am so tuned into the turn around artist). Never make someone your priority when you are nothing but an option to them.

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  5. Robin Says:

    Hi, I’m the OP. Thanks for the response and all of your messages.

    Moxie is right – I did call because I wanted to see if he was in fact sick and to see if he needed anything but yes that was one of the reasons. To see if he would “sound sick” on the phone.

    As some of the commenters mentioned, I was/am very concerned/insecure about jumping into bed w/ him so soon. It absolutely affected my inclination to freak out and send the txt. It was as if I felt like this was bound to happen because I shouldn’t have had sex so early. Moxie is correct, things were fine after the sex – I was freaking out because of my own insecurities around what I did. I do agree that if he was going to do it then that’s just what he was going to do.

    I did not send the txt to him to elicit an emotional reaction. I sent it because I legitimately thought that he was being less than honest and I needed to stop seeing him.

    As an FYI after I sent my email to Moxie, He called back that night and said that he did not want to let one misunderstanding keep us from continuing to see each other. That yes he was upset but he still likes me. (I did not solicit this at all. I did not call or text him after our last conversation). This was all him. He also said that what I did just shows him what kind of people I’ve dated in the past and he doesn’t want to be punished for what they did.

    Now that this think has come full circle, I do think he blew me off. I don’t know the reason why but he could have just said he couldn’t meet instead of making up a story. He maintains he was sick. I feel as if I know better. Like Ken said in his comment – he was rude to cancel via txt, sick or not. Rude not to pick up and rude to try and turn it around on me.

    Then of course I sent my txt which may or may not have been the right thing to do.

    He claims he doesn’t want out but I need to decide what I want and I’m still on the fence at the moment.

    Thanks everyone!

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    • Dan Says:

      A lot of early 30’s singles that are dating always have one foot outside of the person they are dating, because the options are so huge. So unless they are totally into someone, which is rare, they will be ambivalent and see where things go over a long time. More often than not, they would rather see things end, because there is some imaginary better person around the corner.

      That’s why I now date as many women at the same time as possible, and see where things go. If date #1 blows me off, no big deal, I move to date #2, and maybe date#3, and get back to date #1 later. The devil may care attitude on my part makes me not look clingy or obsessive. Anyway, like sales, many leads disappear sooner rather than later, so it’s good to have a pipeline of leads.

      This method is not for everyone. It’s hard to keep track of each date (I take notes), and to be totally into each woman (I spend time getting into the zone before each date, sort of like how actors get into character). It’s extra work, but it works for me. I’ve been where you were lots of times in the past, and I found this is an easier coping mechanism for me than totally focusing on one woman and getting too anxious when things don’t work out.

      Good luck.

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      • offensivedan Says:

        “Getting into character?” You sound like you have a personality disorder, bro. I mean, I take enough notes at work. Who the hell wants to bother with this extra work for some selfish and dishonest woman? In the past, I would have said it’s worth it for the ass. But, nowadays, I realize it is not. Think of it this way. Does banging one woman make dating a bunch of them worthwhile? Hell, no. if you think so, you are a slave to your basic animal instincts and desires.

        Also, where do you get the time, money and patience to date all these women? I could not go on multiple dates with the asshole women who populate the human race nowadays.

        Anyway, it seems this is where dating is going, nowadays. People just wait for the next and latest thing and move on. It’s happened to all of us. Pretty soon the world will only consist of assholes and idiots. See the movie Idiocracy for what I am talking about.

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        • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

          You know, for somebody who seems allergic to criticism, you sure dole it out pretty easily..brah.

          As the other Dan said, it works for him. Just because it doesn’t work for you doesn’t make it bad or wrong. It means you can’t pull it off. It’s like Crash Davis in Bull Durham. If he wants to wear women’s underwear because he thinks it makes him pitch better, let him. Who cares as long is it works??

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        • offensivedan Says:

          This is just too much work. Dating mulitple women is emotionally, physically and mentally draining. There’s just no way I would have any reserves left to deal with all this estrogen. When chasing ass becomes a chore and needs prepratation time similar to the planning of the D-Day invasion it’s not worth it.

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      • DrivingMeNutes Says:

        I tend to agree with Dan actually. Putting in time, money and patience is the key to success in almost anything, so why would dating be any different.

        As an aside, that is actually what “commitment” looks like, for those who think people who date serially are necessarily “commitment-phobes.” Actually putting in effort towards a goal until you succeed.

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        • offensivedan Says:

          Drivingme:

          You are comparing apples to oranges. In any other endeavor, such as your occupation or a hobby, putting in time, money and patience will–most of the time– lead to better things or improvement However, the same is not true for dating. Why? You are dealing with a person and their whims. I have always said that , if you look at it rationally, dating is a bad investment with little return.

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      • fuzzilla Says:

        I’m a woman in her late 30s and Dan’s approach is kinda what I do. I say “kinda” because I don’t tend to keep people in rotation long if don’t see much relationship potential. However, I do make it a priority to have plenty of options for exactly the reasons he states. Instead of stressing about the status of relationships that aren’t exclusive and thinking “but he could be out with anybody!” I think “you know what? So could I.”

        When my female friends stress about not being sure if a guy likes them, I tend to say “go find five other guys to date.” They usually are like “meh” and don’t want to take this advice. They’re like “but I really like *him*! Why go on five boring dates?” I’ll say – y’know, don’t give up on the guy you really like, just have fun and distract yourself from obsessing and analyzing everything to death. Which will ideally help them succeed with the guy they really want. If not – hey, they’re out having fun regardless.

        Is it a weirdo workaround solution like a baseball player wearing frilly panties? ;o) Maybe. Works OK for me.

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        • Selena Says:

          It’s not a weirdo solution fuzzilla. It’s actually a good solution for those who get attached too quickly and/or have difficulty seeing a casual relationship for what it is. Dating more than one person at a time allows for comparison and contrast. Which one is ‘stepping up’ toward being a bf/gf? Which one’s are content keeping it loose, eventually fading out?

          Not everyone enjoys dating multiple people at a time, but it can be a useful thing to try for those who get too caught up too early in dating one person.

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        • Dan Says:

          Exactly!

          It takes time for people to get to know each other. Most often, It takes time to fall in love. With rare exceptions, people don’t meet and then instantly feel a click or chemistry or instant attraction mutually. We all wish for that, so there is a tendency to keep cycling through endless first dates hoping to find the one where this happens. One could do that for a lifetime and not have that happen. Instead, the attraction, if there is any at all, is usually one-sided, and then there is anxiety and hurt from unrequited feelings as described in the OP.

          So what I am saying is that you go on a date someone. If there are no red flags, and if you are interested, or not interested but think that something may grow over time, and they are interested in seeing you for a second date, go for it. Maybe they are just as not sure as you and still deciding & seeing how things develop. Maybe things are okay after the second date, so you go for a third, etc. Usually, when it develops this way, the space of time between dates is not days. It could be weeks. In the mean time, what I am saying is that I continue dating others. It’s dating!

          Cut it off when it is clear that they are being a jerk. But if there are no still no red flags and they are being respectful and still interested, then keep going. Or when they cut you off.

          Whether you date in series or parallel, it’s a matter of choice and circumstances. I use this to keep myself from getting too attached before a woman is at the same point of attraction.

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    • Crotch Rocket Says:

      “jumping into bed w/ him so soon … absolutely affected my inclination to freak out and send the txt. It was as if I felt like this was bound to happen because I shouldn’t have had sex so early.” Don’t you see, though, how that was a self-fulfilling prophecy? You were freaked out about having sex “too soon”, and you assumed it would cause the relationship to crash and burn, so you went and created a scenario that would cause that to happen, thereby justifying your insecurity and reinforcing your false belief system.

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  6. Anonymous Says:

    “there is no award for being the person who was duped the least”

    What I’m about to say is very general, but as my boss says “We learn the most from screwing up.”

    That includes dating, being duped, etc…..See it as a lesson to help you move on.

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  7. Crotch Rocket Says:

    “I told myself (and him) that I didn’t want to have sex until I was in a relationship. However the night of our third date, after a few glasses of wine and making out I broke that promise to myself.” Don’t blame the wine; you did it because you wanted to do it, and alcohol removed whatever inhibitions were stopping you from doing it before that. Own up to the desire–and then do some thinking about whether those inhibitions are really helping you.

    “I was disappointed in myself because it happened pretty early (2 weeks in)” Why is that disappointing? Methinks it’s because you’re worried about what other people (putatively the guy, but in reality other women) will think of you, not for any truly valid reason. That’s insecurity speaking, and we’ll see later that, not the timing of the sex, is the root of the problem.

    “and went back on my word to him.” Yeah, that’s a problem. Not because you gave him your “word” but because your actions don’t match your words, and guys know that’s a recipe for drama–which you promptly provided.

    “I would like to talk more to him when not on dates but I didn’t make a huge deal of it.” Have you expressed that desire? There is nothing wrong with telling someone what you want; where most people go wrong is thinking the other person is obligated to meet their wants–particularly if they’ve never even expressed them and expect the other person to read their minds. Ironically, most women are horrible at this–and then blame men for the resulting communication problems.

    “I get a txt from him that he’s not feeling well, he needs to reschedule. I call him immediately after I received the txt to find out if he needed anything.” No, you didn’t. You called to see if he sounded like he was really sick–and he knew it.

    “He didn’t pick up. Then silence. No return call or txt that day.” He was supposedly sick; that’s not unreasonable. For all you know, he had food poisoning and couldn’t risk leaving the toilet for long enough to grab his phone. (Those of you who’ve had it know what I mean.)

    “The next day I send him a txt that I was wondering why txt instead of call to cancel,” Really? Come on.

    “that I called” He almost certainly knew that; pointing it out to him like a child will not win you any brownie points.

    “since he has not responded I can only assume he isn’t interested in continuing or is with a woman, that I liked him but could take a hint.” And here’s the full-on drama. That’s just crazy talk. Even if it were true, that’s still crazy talk. BTW, if you could take a hint, why are you still bugging him?

    “He calls me after that text, irritated and pretty mad about the txt and my jumping to conclusions.” I’m surprised; if I got a text like that, I’d have blocked your number in my phone. You should be wary of any guy who puts up with drama like that, because they’re probably full of drama too.

    “I was left to make conclusions because there was no response from him.” No, he told you what was up and you chose to jump to conclusions, without any evidence to support it, because you were feeling insecure about your relationship with him.

    “He said I should’ve just trusted that what he said was the truth.” Whether that’s reasonable, of course, depends on how trustworthy he is, and that takes time to figure out. Anyone saying “trust me” should always throw up a red flag, because that’s usually a sign you’re being lied to; people you should trust don’t need to say it.

    “If he contacts me should I give him another chance?” What? The question should be, if you’re still interested, whether he should give you another chance. You’re the crazy one bringing a bunch of drama to the game, not him.

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    • Selena Says:

      She dated him for a month. He was ambiguous about setting a Sat night date. He texted her he was sick the afternoon of. He wouldn’t answer his phone immediately after. These are not things a boyfriend, or wannabe boyfriend would do. They are not things a person with food poisoning would do. She had every right to feel insecure about him.

      Whatever *drama* there was he set it up. Trying to put the blame on her was a distraction when he realized he wasn’t ready to give up sexual access to her. Possibly because his Sat night date with someone else didn’t lead to a “sure thing”.

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    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      No, he told you what was up and you chose to jump to conclusions,

      Well, not exactly. The guy was blowing her off. The fact that he had stalled all week and never set up concrete plans supports that. So, she may not have handled it in the best way, but her instincts were right.

      You should be wary of any guy who puts up with drama like that, because they’re probably full of drama too.

      I will co-sign with this. Especially after Robin, the OP, shared this:

      He called back that night and said that he did not want to let one misunderstanding keep us from continuing to see each other. That yes he was upset but he still likes me. (I did not solicit this at all. I did not call or text him after our last conversation). This was all him. He also said that what I did just shows him what kind of people I’ve dated in the past and he doesn’t want to be punished for what they did.

      I don’t like this. If he were in to her, he’s have replied to her original voicemail asking him if he needed anything in some way. He didn’t reply to her voicemail because he probably didn’t listen to it. He probably assumed she left a message bitching and didn’t bother. If he did listen to it and didn’t bother to reply with a “thank you for the offer. I’ll be okay”, then that’s more evidence supporting the idea that he doesn’t really care about her. Add to that the fact that they would get together and not have sex after they had already been intimate.

      This guy is NOT interested.

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  8. Missy Says:

    All I know is that the- “I’m sick’- fade routine is so obvious. Early on, it is an allowable out.
    What cracks me up is when someone pulls it a few months in. Really??

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 1

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    • Crotch Rocket Says:

      Sometimes people really are sick, and that may have been true in this case; we just don’t know. What we do know is that any sane guy, regardless of his original intentions or honesty, wouldn’t be sticking around after the OP’s reaction.

      I had a gal cancel on me this Saturday. I have no clue whether she was really sick; that’s not really important. I just told her I hoped she felt better soon and to let me know if there was anything I could do; there’s no sense burning bridges based on speculation. If she doesn’t call back, good riddance; if she does, we’ll pick up where we left off.

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  9. Howard Says:

    Had not looked at this board in a few days, but it seems nothing changes. Are we at the 20th iteration of this same tale or what. A lot of good posts here but nobody seems to want to touch the delusion that is going on here. If women were more like men in some ways, they would save themselves a lot of trouble. And I suppose if guys were a little more like women we could save each other a lot of trouble too.

    This thing that women have about sex is causing them trouble. This endless worry about being used for sex leads to all types of mind games and emotional roller coaster games. And this need to justify after the fact has got to be the ultimate mind trip a human being can do to herself. And it’s grand pretense of the highest order. It is an indisputable fact that women like sex, just like men do. In fact women are built to be better at it than men. When a woman has sex with a man because she is sexually aroused, she should just call it that and no more. If she has not established emotional bonds and endorsements that she has been seeking, she should not imagine the sex will magically make that appear. Have sex because you want to do it and enjoy it.

    As I keep saying, this false trap of sex and emotions and which preceeds which is going to get you in trouble. Good relationships results from compatibility. Also clear indications of what each person wants, and a genuine reciprocal endorsement of those wishes by each party must be in attendance. Those things can happen before sex takes place or after sex takes place. One should however not think, try or allow sex to cloud or force that compatibility or endorsement.

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    • Selena Says:

      True Howard, but what you don’t seem to want to understand is that many women cannot separate sex from emotion.

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      • Howard Says:

        Selena, This is why I post seldomly. Interpretation rather than what I said. I never ever advocated for women to separate sex and emotions in my post. In fact a woman can totally connect the two and still achieve her objectives, If she has compatability, clearly stated objectives and genuine endorsement of those objectives.

        Strangely enough, in arranged marriages, success is still achieved with only stated objectives and endorsement of those objectives being present. So it’s a powerful thing.

        People like to reach for the stars, so both men and women like to go after the unattainable. They ignore all the clear evidence coming at them. They obviously ignore real compatibility, and really stating what they want and getting genuine endorsement of that because they are so afraid to lose out. Interstingly men seem to deal with the heartbreaking outcomes of those flights of fancy quite better than women. Maybe women are too brainwashed with fairy tales! Maybe women handle rejection too poorly.

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        • Selena Says:

          “In fact a woman can totally connect the two and still achieve her objectives, If she has compatability, clearly stated objectives and genuine endorsement of those objectives. ”

          Okay.

          Establishing compatibility takes some measure of time spent getting to know each other. Establishing sexual compatibility is important to some of us as well. I’m all for clearly stated objectives, and genuine endorsement of those objectives, but the objective a woman likely has when meeting a man is simply to see how compatible they are. Sometimes they are not.

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    • Saj Says:

      I think that is a nearly impossible thing to ask from many women. An extreme example would be to drive your car without applying the breaks and not feel shaken up about it during and afterwords. Some actions are just going to cause emotional reactions period.

      Sure it would be great if women could just have sex with random guys because it feels great and not think past it but so many of us are wired to the point that if there isn’t more emotional feedback from the guy before, during, or after we feel like shit. You don’t hear men moaning about being pumped and dumped (well except for offensivedan) because the sex and the outcome of the dating experience aren’t usually connected in their minds. For women when they do have sex and it doesn’t work out then the rejection stings that much more.

      In this case the OP having sex messed with her mind. Forget the other guy but it affected the OP’s actions and made her more invested then she should have this early on. We just have to agree to disagree that you can’t talk women into having sex like a man (IE compartmentalizing it as pleasure only) . Many men are this way too but get shamed so much by their peers they don’t readily admit it as often.

      Saying that women should just lighten up about the whole thing is unrealistic. We aren’t wired that way and the ones who seem like they are tend to also be a bit emotionally detached from intimacy period due to conditioning themselves to give so much without getting much in return (what THEY need, not his penis but validation, affirmation, investment for the future, ego strokes). When a relationship is established and those needs are getting met then it’s easier to just treat sex like a fun past time but sex without any sort of emotional reward can bum you out or make a woman feel more insecure.

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      • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

        Sure it would be great if women could just have sex with random guys because it feels great and not think past it but so many of us are wired to the point that if there isn’t more emotional feedback from the guy before, during, or after we feel like shit.

        That has nothing to do with wiring or biology. That has to do with with either low self-esteem/insecurity or an inordinate need for attention. You’re trying to make it about the sex, but it’s not. It’s about the woman having the sex. Women who keep trying to use sex as the reason why they behaved a certain way or scared men off are merely looking for an excuse to justify their own behavior and issues.

        Saying that women should just lighten up about the whole thing is unrealistic.

        Most people are pointing out where she made this issue worse than it had to be. Not telling her to lighten up or get over it.

        When a relationship is established and those needs are getting met then it’s easier to just treat sex like a fun past time but sex without any sort of emotional reward can bum you out or make a woman feel more insecure.

        Yes, if she’s sleeping with the wrong men or not confident in her decision to sleep with them. Again, it has nothing to do with the sex or this ridiculous wiring that women like to throw out there. The only women who perpetuate and repeat this bit of nonsense are women drastically lacking in self-awareness and accountability. It’s simplistic. What sex does to a lot of women is justify their choice to have inordinate expectations. Expectations that existed before the sex.

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        • DrivingMeNutes Says:

          I very much agree with Moxie.

          I can never know for sure but I suspect that women do not enjoy sex for it’s own sake as much as men do, due to biological differences and so women tend to need “other reasons” to have sex – typically, they use sex to achieve other relationship needs (e.g. keeping the bed warm).

          The disappointment women experience is therefore not because they’re more emotional about sex. Sex is emotional for men too. The disappointment is, as Moxie said, because the expectations are not met. The need for expectations come, I think, from biology (ie why have sex?). The content of such expectations however come from “fairy tales” and, I say again, lack of actual experience or inability to learn from said experience (delusion).

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          • Howard Says:

            So it’s expectations and not sex. Well then that is what people have to work towards being met. Stop overfocusing on sex and emotions as the begin all and end all. Sure we all want good emotions and sex also, but let’s not put the cart before the horse.

            And when expectations are not met, let’s stop using sex and emotions, or lack thereof, as the only reason that happened.

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  10. erine Says:

    He wasn’t into you, simple as that.
    I even know the feeling that made him not answer your Sat, call or txt. When I am not into someone and they call, I have to force myself to answer the call, and then if I do, I get all snappy because I am just not into it. The most natural (although an inconsiderate) thing to do when you’re not into someone (and thus not into talking to them, etc) is to just ignore the call or txt. Because if you’re not feeling it, even a short txt is bothersome.
    Sorry to be so harsh, but it’s how it is. You can;t blame him, he didn’t really do anything terrible. He acted like a man (or a woman) would when he/she isn’t interested.
    Could be that he thought you were nice so he went out with you, could be that he tried to go with the “ok, I am not into her but she is nice so maybe I will try to go out with her and see what happens” (the kind of thing women often do with men they are not attracted to), or could be that he just wanted to spend some time in a woman’s company while actively looking for a different woman who would strike his fancy and then dropping out on you.
    Nothing terrible except for that fact that you liked him.
    Next time don’t send or call like that. An interested man will not have you guessing and doing this. When a guy is interested, you’ll know and there will be dates and calls and texts and advance planning.
    If a guy isn’t really into it (something he can’t help), eventually it will come to a halt. I’m sure you’ve had it happen to you that you were going out with a good guy you weren’t attracted to while looking for someone else or not looking but still arriving at the point where you stopped seeing the one you weren’t into.
    Life.

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    • Selena Says:

      “You can;t blame him, he didn’t really do anything terrible. He acted like a man (or a woman) would when he/she isn’t interested.

      Maybe he acted they way YOU do when you aren’t interested Erine, but others of us wouldn’t behave the same way. We would rather let the person we dated for a month know we are no longer interested instead of playing these games.

      Did you bother to read Robin’s subsequent post in the comment section? Apparently even if he’s not ‘into’ her as you are so certain, he’s still wants her hanging on.

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  11. offensivedan Says:

    Time to get philosphical:

    Alright, I’ve read the comments and most make sense even if I don’t agree with them. However, in my few months of following this blog, I want to mention how it seems some of us have grown use to or minimized misbehavior or just plain rudeness in dating. I think we chastise some of the posters on here for not “moving on” or for not recognizing “this is how dating works” while not recognizing that they have a right to be aggravated with the treatment they have endured. Any person with feelings would be feeling that exact way. Or, as some of you point out, we blame the OP for being too clingy/needy, getting attached too quickly etc. and demonize this behavior as if they were the cause of the problem.

    SInce when have we gotten to the point that we accept and, even expect, boorish/rude behavior from some of these people who we date–who lie and don’t even have the courtesy to answer a text or phone call. I don’t think this is acceptable behavior or should ever be. I’m not advocating that one get into an argument with these types. On the other hand, I’m not going to criticize or call someone crazy for calling out these types on their crap behavior. (What’s the answer? I don’t know yet. But, one thing my parents did a good job at is teaching me not to take shit from anyone.)

    Over the last few years of dating, one thing I have noticed is this–rudeness. It seems it increases every year I get older whether it’s an unreturned call etc. There is such a deterioation of values in our society. It’s just amzing how people treat each other, nowadays. I don’t think it is too much to ask a person, who you take out and pay for to have a good time, to return your call the following day(s) and at least thank you. Thank you for taking me out and providing entertainment–Mr. Trained Monkey. Thank you for blowing $100.00 on me and not socking it away in your ver decreasing 401(k). Most adults will recognize if there is any further interest. If not, most of us are mature to walk away.

    I mean, we find ourselves having to call a few hours before a date to ensure someone will show up when, a few years ago, that was unecessary. If you make a committment you honor it. At times, I have not wanted to go on dates or wanted to leave early b/c there was no chemisty but I did not. It’s just common decency.

    Who knows, maybe if more of us demanded better dating behavior and expected it, dating would not be so onerous and the need for blogs, such as this, would not exist. In reality, this won’t happen as there are too many pieces of crap masquerading as human beings of both genders. And that’s just life.

    OP, you need to move on. Stop wasting your time. Also, you reacted like any normal human being would have in your situation. You are not crazy. Learn from it.

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    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      Nobody is crazy for being hurt. What’s often criticized is the person’s choice and behavior in the situation. More often than not, people are given the answers to their questions. But rather than just take a hint or improve their social skills and aptitude, they become fixated on wanting to be acknowledged. And the same people who complain about this behavior are often equally as guilty of the very behavior they say they hate. Only when they do it, it’s totally justified.

      The only people who complain about this stuff are people who refuse to accept the reality of the situation and who deal with a lot of rejection. And they deal with a lot of rejection because they delude themselves into believing the are more entitled or deserving of something than they actually are.

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      • offensivedan Says:

        I am not going to disagree totally with what you say as your opinion has some basis. Plus, reality never hurt anyone. Rejection is a part of life. People get rejected in all manners–whether it’s for a job, etc. As for me, yeah I’m not going to say I always get the girl I want. But, entitlement? No, I don’t feel entitled. I’m just saying there are ways to interact with people who you are dating or screwing rather than acting like a turd.

        Anyway, I’m getting out of this ratrace for the time being. I don’t need vag that bad.

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      • Erine Says:

        I agree with you. I also agree that here we often attack OPs but well, life is such that we can either waste time on trying to change people, or trying to change how they feel about us, or we can just make every effort possible to move on and concentrate on those who are really interested in us.
        For some minor, semi-minor exceptions, when a man or a woman is truly interested in a person, that person is not likely to be an OP of a dating blog because they won’t have to sort through a bunch of red flags, mixed signals and minor to significant heartbreaks and put-downs.
        When a person is truly interested, it’s in their best interest to be proactive and make us know that they are interested. And if we find ourselves in a limbo and paralized with anxiety over dating or “dating” someone, it means they are not very interested and that eventually it will lead to a heartbreak.

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  12. A woman Says:

    It is too early of the relationship to judge a man. She should have more relaxed. But as a woman, i understand how she feels. After more than one year of relationship with my boyfriend I am still the same. I have trusting issues, like this Robin lady. I always suspect if he is seeing others around me. During this over one year of relationship, I broke up with him (I initiated it) over 4 times. Because he has too many things for me to suspect he might be dating someone else.

    Like he has to work full time, Monday to Friday and even Sat and Sun. Isn’t this seems odd? But he finds time to see me, like after work or when the holidays. Those give me the reason to suspect if he is seeing others. Every time, I confront with him. He told me, “No.” He is not seeing others and think I am crazy. I do not see a ring on my finger, I suspect. It is only natural.

    Okay, it is getting irrelevant. Now, back to the Robin story. It is natural she would suspect. The “Break up Text” is so like me. But each time, I did it. I regretted it. Because what happened if it is true of what he said. My man does not defend himself, he would just choose not to respond. No text, no call. I would text like crazy, yell and scream (I am really crazy).

    But after a while, he would respond. He is waiting for me to air off the anger and cool off the embarrassment of what he did. In Robin’s case… the guy probably would try to communicate with her when he gets better. Which means after a couple of days.

    Guy’s time and woman’s time is different. They tend to the slower than woman. To most men, career comes first, especially if they think you are a idea date or potential long term partner.

    What I did in my relationship is… after what you did “Break up” text and you regretted it. If you still want him, and you think this man is worthy. You text him again and lurk him, like something he is really interested, like opera tickets, baseball tickets, or if he likes sex, lurk him with sex.

    And if he is still into to you, he will respond and respond with passion! Or if he text again, then just act nothing ever happened and act in happy mood, so he can relax.

    Click, click. Problem solved.

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  13. CityGal Says:

    Robin,

    Your post sounds so much like my posts back when I was dating. After years of experience dating the wrong men and finally finding the right one a year ago, I can say with confidence that this guy is using you. And you did nothing wrong. Sure, you responded impulsively. But your instincts were right. This guy was showing that he wasn’t into you by canceling a few hours before your date and not responding to your text or voice mail when you called after.

    Any guy who is interested in preserving your good feelings you have towards him would have texted back and said, “Sorry I can’t talk because I’m sick. I will call you when I feel better.” INSTEAD, he avoided you. It was then that your instincts kicked in full force because you were right. That is odd behavior. Something is odd. He was not behaving in a respectful manner towards you. And any man who wants to continue dating a woman he is interested in would have not wanted you to think that he was being disrespectful, especially after just a month of dating, and especially because preserving your good feelings would have taken him minimal effort, i.e. one second to text back.

    I think you are wise to not put all your eggs in one basket with this guy. Odds are he will be disrespectful again – just keep your radar on. This is a huge red flag. Actively date other guys, keep your eyes open. Trust me, I know.

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    • Crotch Rocket Says:

      “I can say with confidence that this guy is using you.” I agree it’s highly likely.

      “And you did nothing wrong.” Here, though, we disagree. There was nothing wrong with her feeling disappointed or frustrated, but her resulting actions were crazy.

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  14. Breebree Says:

    I think Robin needs to chillax and not worry so much about what this guy does and says and why and why not.
    On another blog by men and about men they say straight from the horses mouths that women spend waaaaay too much time dissecting and psychoanalyzing men and everything they do and say. Rarely do men do this with women.
    They say that this is part of women’s problems. They need to stop questioning everything all the time and enjoy the mans company and not do anything they don’t want to do for any reason.
    If this man calls her or contacts her and she wants to see him then she should. But she’s gonna have to trust him.
    There is no surefire way anyone can keep from being lied to and deceived.
    Most everything in life is a risk……you take the bad with the good.

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  15. sarah Says:

    I had a similar situation. The guy called to say he was sick, even though his voice sounded fine (didnt say what he was sick with). Literally 2 minutes later, I called and got no answer (called home and cell) then texted. And it wasnt til the next day he responded. my gut told me there was someone else, and I accused him of such. He denied it, but I found out later from a couple of very trusted mutual friends that it was true. I think he was not alone and that is why he didnt respond. maybe he knew he had a date fri nite and didnt know how well it would go, which is why he remained tentative about sat plans. plus, why do you want someone who only makes plans last minute, and who doesnt seem interested in you enough to call you regularly. sounds like most communication was done via text. CALL me crazy but i find that insulting once i am sleeping w someone. And OP, please for the love of God, stop second guessing yourself. you met him online….he most likely was meeting lots of people at the same time as you. Maybe he found a better lay or just enjoyed someone else’s company over yours. Cross him off your list…he isnt worth the brain space. And believe me he isnt giving you a passing thought.

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