What Does “I’m Not In the Mood” Really Mean?

Expecting a man to always have complete control over the hardness and durations of his erections is just as unrealistic as expecting a woman to rarely, if ever, not be in the mood. And people of both genders are known to deny or break a commitment as the result of sexual frustration/incompatibility. – Selena

You’re drawing a comparison between two different things. The first doesn’t necessarily denote a lack of desire or attraction. Some men do have erectile/stamina issues that have nothing to do with their desire to have sex. It’s physiological or psychological.  A woman saying, “I’m not in the mood” is denying her partner sex. Which is very much about a lack of desire and/or manipulation. That’s what PM was implying in that point. He wasn’t referring to the times when a woman might not be feeling well or tired. He was talking about the very common phenomenon of women withholding sex or completely losing interest in sex (if they even had any to begin with) once the man commits. – Moxie

 

This might be a very simplistic way of looking at this issue, and I very well may be stereotyping but…

I don’t think it takes much to get a man in the mood. As we’ve said before, many men can forgo attraction completely and still perform quite well. When a man denies or turns down a woman for sex, it’s usually if not always because he simply doesn’t want to have sex with her. Not that he doesn’t want to have sex. Now, that could be because of a lack of desire or it could be a form of punishment. Whatever it is, it’s usually has something to do with the woman and his attraction to her.

On the flip side….most (but not all) women can’t turn it off and on. We need a bit more stimulation, be it mental, emotional or physical. We also have a lot of physiological  reasons that make it hard for us have sex on demand. Our hormones level rise and fall, causing everything from nausea to back aches to depression to migraines.  Those “fat days” we have? Not necessarily a figment of our imagination. PMS and hormone release can cause many women to literally see a weight gain that is not there. PMS can actually distort how our brain processes images like our reflection in a mirror. This can last for a couple days to a week. Maybe this is based on my experience, but I truly believe that men are very understanding of a woman who can not perform sexually due to illness. But again, I base this on my family experience and watching both my father and brother in law be so supportive to their wives as they battled cancer

I believe that a man will assume, if a woman rejects his sexual advances, it’s due to a lack of attraction or lack of interest in sex. And I think, depending on the frequency in which he wants sex,  he’s right. Unless there are existing medical issues that he’s aware of, of course.

Keep in mind that I’m talking about couples with no kids. Kids are an absolute game changer. It’s expected of both parties that sex drives and energy levels will dip drastically once kids enter the picture simply due to the change in priorities and schedules.

 

I usually respect your views, Moxie, but this just seems like a fairytale/stereotype.
I have *never* heard of a woman pretending to not feel well to not have sex (though I have seen the opposite – not feeling well, yet still being horny when put in the mood). Does this really ever happen? Ladies, have you ever done this?
I just can’t imagine that.

However, I know of many, many instances where women break-up/divorce men who just seem to have no interest. I know a couple who are trying to make it work anyway, but I am advising her against it. Seen it destroy too many women’s happiness and even self esteem when the man just won’t have sex with them. And I’m not basing this off of one or two instances, this is many women I have known and women on blogs/forums I am a part of or read. I have never heard of a single instance of a woman denying or not wanting sex in a relationship. Those women (of which I was one once) just avoid dating until that changes.

So, sorry, but I really can’t believe this scenario ever happens. – SB

 

So, in all of your examples it’s the men not showing interest in sex? Hmmmm…see above. If they married a guy with a low sex drive, then want to divorce him for that, then they shouldn’t have gotten married. She accepted that as part of the package when she signed on. If these men all ceased showing interest in these women, then there’s a reason for that, and I doubt that it’s because they all have low sex drives.

I don’t think it’s uncommon for women to feign an interest in sex in order to get a man to commit. In fact, I think it’s very common. I do think it’s uncommon for a man to do that. I also tend to think that many women, especially ones who make a point to share how sexual they are, don’t actually like sex. They merely use sex to get attention, which is their true goal.

As I’ve also said previously, I believe that the women who get so excited at a man who doesn’t seem overly interested in physical affection too soon are actually relieved. “Oh, he’s a gentleman!” No. He’s just not that sexual or sexually confident. The woman has issues and hang ups with sex, or a general dislike of it, and is glad to meet a man who doesn’t seem very physical. So they consider him a “gentleman” because “guy who doesn’t like sex” doesn’t sound as good.

Thoughts?

 

 

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65 Responses to “What Does “I’m Not In the Mood” Really Mean?”

  1. Really? Says:

    I think there’s more complexity to this issue. Have you ever been in a long-term relationship that started out with extraordinary sexual chemistry / mutual attraction that lasted for years, and then at some point the man shut down and lost interest? This can and does happen for a variety of reasons, and can be impossible to figure out and absolutely devastating for the woman to experience. It can have nothing to do with physical attraction, as the woman can be the same weight as she was when they met, same level of grooming, upkeep, style, etc… If he found her physically attractive then, he does now. But for whatever reason the desire is gone. If there’s no medical reason for it, such as medications, hormones, etc., and talking about it doesn’t help or the man won’t talk about it, then it leaves the woman little choice but to move on. I’m sure it’s a symptom of something very wrong with the relationship – obviously it’s not working / broken if this is going on, but I do think it’s much more complex than “a lack of desire or a form of punishment…something to do with the woman and his attraction to her.” That might be more true in the earlier stages of a relationship, but I think there’s a whole unfortunate rat’s nest of emotional issues that can diminish or kill a man’s desire later on… Just my perspective.

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    • Anonymousse Says:

      Actually this usually follows a similar pattern each time.

      He pushes for sex, she turns him down. Repeatedly. After about 6-7 of these rejections he then throws the ball into her court, since getting rejected sucks. So now hes waiting for her to initiate a sexual encounter, and shes sitting there wondering why he doesnt want her anymore. This also leads to resentment on the both thier parts which leads to lack of ability to perform sexually. Its an evil spiral

      Think of it as training. A woman that rejects her man for sex repeatedly, without offering a raincheck ( and following through) is training her man to not initiate sex with her, and since women are RARELY willing to risk the same rejection, the sex life tends to die right there. That is then followed by anger on the mans part, who feels rejected, and then, depending on how progressed the relationship is, he starts looking somewhere else for the sex he desires.

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      • Boyd Says:

        In my experience, this has held true every time. The only difference was in my first long-term relationship where Nikki (then 25) was legitimately a virgin, and sex took some time. Even then, after a few months, we were, as I describe it, friends with restrictions. In my current relationship, we started off hot and heavy! I thought to myself, “Finally, a woman who wants me for me, and to live life to the fullest.” Within a couple of months, sex was abut half as often. Now, we have sex about once every two weeks until she gets off, and then she shuns me for another 2 weeks. The only real difference is in the fact that my current girlfriend, in high school, was unabashed, and I get to hear about the things she would do with guys who cared nothing for her. It’s like women bounce around from guy to guy until they find one who cares, and then shut down. In both of my long-term relationships, I was expected to be the initiator, even though I was and am (by a long shot) far more likely to be turned down. This, in turn and without exception, creates resentment and the feeling that no matter what I do, I’m just not worth my love’s time to do something fun that relieves stress. It’s depressing, and literally THE reason I struggle with suicidal thoughts. I can’t imagine being so blasse about her needs. I’ve tried, and always end up being her shoulder. When we discuss the topic, she’s angry at first. Then, she has her feel-bad phase, and it ends with her saying she understands my point. We, then, cuddle for the night, and the length of time between tussles in the sheets becomes longer.

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  2. Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

    If he found her physically attractive then, he does now

    I disagree. I think it’s totally possible for both men and women to lose their attraction for their partner. That can be caused to internal issues in the relationship to just plain boredom.

    Diminished desire = lack of attraction.

    And in the future, please comment under your original username, K.

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    • Really? Says:

      I can comment under any user name. If you don’t find that acceptable, then you can block me.

      Sure, diminished desire = lack of attraction, but it goes far beyond the physical, as you seem to agree, so maybe we’re both on the same page.

      I usually refrain from commenting, but wanted to do so here to help anyone who’s been in this situation understand that if this is happening to them, it’s not because they are unattractive or unworthy. It’s probably not their fault. Due to a variety of factors that are likely impossible to explain and involve both parties, this relationship is not working anymore, and the lack of desire is a symptom of that.

      Unless you’re an emasculating harpy, it’s not your fault and you’re not any less attractive because your partner has lost desire. It’s just something that unfortunately happens. Sometimes you can work through it by talking about it and identifying things that are wrong in the relationship that might be causing it. Sometimes it might be boredom and the two of you may need to spice things up. Other times it may be more serious and just not fixable. But taking the blame for this on our own shoulders is unhealthy and misguided.

      And it is completely possible to still find someone physically very attractive but not want to have sex with them anymore!

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      • Howard Says:

        There is a cycle to this thing. The first time a woman does the “I am not in the mood thing” , It’s interpretted as rejection by the man. And every time it happens after that the rejection builds up to where men stop trying. And the problem with a man being refused, is the increasing stakes where “reality never matches expectations” when sex happens, resulting in loss of interest. Now women in their infinite rightness will now turn and say the man is no longer showing interest.

        However, it’s often the way things are done that stings the most. In committed relationships, people crave love. If sex is not forthcoming, fine, but why that should result in a lack of love and attention in unfathomable.

        But all of the above pales to the real problem at hand. That big problem is skill at lovemaking. And that is a societal problem. Everyone spends time learning to drive, but zero time learning to make love. The assumption that it all comes naturally leads to embarrasing outcomes for both genders. There is also a vicious cycle here. When a man is young, erections and intensity are plentiful as he has oodles of testosterone coursing through his body. A woman can get away with doing nothing much, in some cases she may even want to do that to avoid premature ejaculation on his part. This sets the stage where women actually think they are ok at lovemaking but the reality is very different.

        The men of course have even bigger problems. One study claims the average time for penetrative sex in seven and a half minutes. While the average time for a woman to climax is 12 mins. So we immediately see that a lot of women are not reaching climax even once. Other studies give other time periods but in each case, the time a woman takes to climax being significantlty longer than the average time of penetrative sex.

        The Kinsey study was interesting in that 85% of men claim their partners had an orgasm at last sexual encounter. However only 64% of women claimed they did, and we can assume the actual number was lower than that, because of some women being too embarrased to say they were not getting orgasms.

        In my experience, I have found that women like sex as much or even more than men, but only if the sex is good. Men are generally ok with bad sex, especially if they are young. Women on the other hand abhor bad sex. So I must admit, many women are justified for never being in the mood.
        Interestingly enough, men become more like women as they age, also not wanting to put up with bad sex. So of course aging men are just as justified for losing interest with women who think they know how, but in reality don’t know how.

        Not a pretty picture I paint, but communication can get past all these hurdles. As I said before, if love and attention is always there, the not in the mood for sex is generally acceptable. The reality though is that there are often bigger issues at hand when a person says they are not in the mood and no love or attention is forthcoming.

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        • SB Says:

          I think you are right. I was about to post that maybe all these women are losing interest in sex because the men turn them off or aren’t good at giving them orgasms. Your analysis is far more complete and rings, seemingly, true.

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          • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

            Most women don’t have orgasms during sex unless they are stimulating themselves anyway. Only about 25-30% of women achieve orgasm through intercourse. That’s why I scoff at the women who are so vocal about how sexual they are. In more than half the cases, they probably aren’t even reaching orgasm by their partner. I’d also say that, for many women, it’s not even about the orgasm.

            Sorry, but if he’s bad in bed, he’s always been bad in bed. In which case, why were you ever with them?

            I call serious bullshit on any woman who says she walked away from a guy (after having a long term relationship, not just a few weeks/couple months worth of dates) claiming the sex was bad. There’s more to that story.

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    • Breebree Says:

      I know for sure many many men lose their sexual desire and/or it wanes and is diminished when they lose their jobs and/or when they feel like the woman they are with does not respect them as a man.
      For men being the provider is important. This is one of their main societal roles in life.
      I’ve known men who have lost the desire for sex when they get layed off and lose their job. It makes them feel like less of a man, especially if the woman they are with is always bitching at them to get a job and making them feel worthless and treating them like a child.
      I think men also lose their sexual desire for women who treat them like a child. A man doesn’t want to look at his lady or wife like she is his mom. So if she bosses him around and talks down to him as if he is 4 years old he will be less inclined to find her sexy or attractive and won’t have much desire to have sex with her. Sometimes men in this situation can end up cheating with a beautiful sexy voluptous woman who makes him feel manly, masculine and sexy.
      The quickest way to push a man into the arms of another readily waiting woman is to treat him like a child, belittle him, and emasculate him and make him feel like less of a man and treat him like you don’t respect him. He will easily be drawn to all the women who compliment him and make him feel like a man.

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  3. D Says:

    SPeaking as a man, I know that one desire I have is sexual novelty – i.e. new sex partners. Doesn’t mean I cheat, it’s just something I feel. I think this is part of the reason porn is so popular with men – variety.

    Christopher Buckley’s “Florence of Arabia” describes an Arab ruler who has one wife but also cheats as “getting tired of having the same meal for every night.” Ding ding ding!

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  4. DrivingMeNutes Says:

    Diminished interest in sex with one person over time is normal, in my opinion, and not a sign of a problem. Nature, in my opinion, wants us to procreate and doesn’t care so much whether we’re married or monogamous. And, that force of nature was, unfortunately for the ladies, bestowed upon men. But women I’m sure naturally get bored of routine too.

    So, I agree with Moxie that lack of sexual interest in the beginning is not normal or healthy. Lack of sexual interest later, however, is normal – that’s the cost of a long term relationship. I don’t think kids are the issue. Presumably, you’re getting other benefits or you’d, you know, leave. In general, my experience is that women don’t deny sex in relationships (or at least they fake interest because they can), it is mostly the men who lose interest.

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    • Ken Says:

      “Normal to lose interest”, “the cost of a long term relationship”? PLLEEESSEE, spare us, will you? Try listening to your partner, flirt, say something nice that sparks his/her interest. It really is not all that difficult.

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  5. Crotch Rocket Says:

    “[Lack of erection] doesn’t necessarily denote a lack of desire or attraction. Some men do have erectile/stamina issues that have nothing to do with their desire to have sex. It’s physiological or psychological.” Indeed. It’s usually tied to (poor) diet, (lack of) exercise and stress. Medications like Viagra and Cialis can get around most of these issues. And many psychoactive medications, eg. SSRIs (which a significant fraction of our population is on these days), can affect desire as well.

    “A woman saying, ‘I’m not in the mood’ is denying her partner sex. Which is very much about a lack of desire and/or manipulation.” Indeed. Unlike a man, a woman is always physiologically capable of having sex, so refusing is a choice.

    “I don’t think it takes much to get a man in the mood.” A healthy man who isn’t on some kind of drugs, yes. However, that’s a small and shrinking segment of our population.

    “When a man denies or turns down a woman for sex, it’s usually if not always because he simply doesn’t want to have sex with her.” I’ve only turned down a direct offer of sex once in my life, and that was because I knew she’d regret cheating on her boyfriend afterward. Other than that? I’m not so spoiled for sex that I can afford to turn it down when it’s available–but I also don’t put myself in a position where a woman I’m not attracted to is likely to make a blatant offer, because I know how much it would hurt her to be rejected.

    “Maybe this is based on my experience, but I truly believe that men are very understanding of a woman who can not perform sexually due to illness.” A legitimate illness with visible symptoms and diagnosed by a physician? Sure. OTOH, you have dbags like Newt who just use that as an excuse to cheat on and/or divorce wives.

    “I believe that a man will assume, if a woman rejects his sexual advances, it’s due to a lack of attraction or lack of interest in sex. And I think, depending on the frequency in which he wants sex, he’s right.” Are you saying there are other reasons, or are you agreeing with us?

    “It’s expected of both parties that sex drives and energy levels will dip drastically once kids enter the picture simply due to the change in priorities and schedules.” I think this surprises a lot of men, and it’s one of the reasons so many other men are resistant to having kids: they don’t want to give up their sex life. (And, if you don’t want kids, why get married?) Then again, even without kids a woman’s sex drive seems to drop like a rock after getting married, so I’m not sure it really is the kids; it seems more likely the women were just faking interest in sex to get the guy to marry them, and kids are a convenient excuse for not having to put up with it anymore.

    “Seen it destroy too many women’s happiness and even self esteem when the man just won’t have sex with them.” I’ve heard a handful of women complain about that, but after dating a few of those women myself, thinking I’d finally found a woman who could match my sex drive, I can say that it’s because they make getting sex such an incredible pain in the ass that it’s just not worth it. The ones I didn’t date were fat, and I didn’t blame men for not wanting to screw them.

    “I have never heard of a single instance of a woman denying or not wanting sex in a relationship.” ROFL. I could introduce you to over a dozen in my own personal experience, and my married or divorced (for this very reason) male friends could submit dozens of their own (ex-)wives as well. Women denying sex–for whatever reason–is the norm.

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    • DrivingMeNutes Says:

      Here’s where I wonder whether I’m unique. I have a bottomless sex drive, which no amount of drugs, alcohol or health issues seems to alleviate but, generally, I get bored and lose interest in sex with a single person. In other words, it seems to me that no single woman could ever fully and truly satisfy this drive since, as D suggested, “variety” is baked into the sex drive formula. That’s why I don’t fully relate to your perspective. You seem to think that it’s possible for one woman truly to keep up. I don’t. As I’ve said before, no one gets married for the sex.

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      • Crotch Rocket Says:

        “You seem to think that it’s possible for one woman truly to keep up.” Well, that’s the only way I’d ever be happy in a monogamous relationship, so that’s what I’m looking for. I’m pretty sure such a woman doesn’t exist, though.

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      • offensivedan Says:

        You are a slave to your bestial desires. Guys like you–in my opinion-have a sexaul addiction problem.

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        • DrivingMeNutes Says:

          Maybe but addiction normally implies some sort of disruption to life. I like my life. Do you?

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          • offensivedan Says:

            Well, given that you seem egocentric, you probably don’t even realize the disrpution in your life. No addict does. In any case, it’s your life, bro.

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    • SB Says:

      Hmm. Maybe I happen to know the only women in the countries I’ve lived in, including the US, who genuinely enjoy lots of sex? Not making this up, I am talking women I’ve lived with and/or known intimately, so I have witnessed exactly what their sex drives are like. I don’t know women that make it hard for a man to have sex, in fact, it is the opposite. my own parents were healthily attracted to each other for a long time, and then my mother had to deal with my father’s diminished interest. Hurt her, too, but they finally figured it out.

      None of these women were fat, in fact my own mother kept a smaller, fitter body well into her 50s than she had in high school. Probably from being a dancer.
      I know that I am considered quite attractive, with a pretty fit body (dancer and weight lifter), and I, too, dealt with this issue with my last bf. After a very difficult discussion with him about it, he finally started faking interest (but told me he was doing so) because otherwise I would have had to leave much sooner. It is devastating, and made me feel somehow unattractive and like quite the fool for having to beg.
      Idk, can’t imagine a huge population of women who don’t like sex, but it appears that a couple people on this blog, including Moxie, know them. Or is it that they only think they do because of their biases and prejudices against women, for whatever reason? Who knows.

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      • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

        I know that I am considered quite attractive, with a pretty fit body (dancer and weight lifter), and I, too, dealt with this issue with my last bf. After a very difficult discussion with him about it, he finally started faking interest (but told me he was doing so) because otherwise I would have had to leave much sooner. It is devastating, and made me feel somehow unattractive and like quite the fool for having to beg..

        Regardless of how fit or attractive you think you are or actually are, men can still stop being attracted to you. It seems like that’s the one option you don’t wish to confront: that your boyfriend simply lost interest in you, or was sleeping with someone else, or just wanted out of the relationship. It wasn’t a lack of interest in sex. More likely, he just didn’t want to have sex with you anymore.

        A woman can keep her figure and still look like she did they day she and the guy met. The guy can still get bored and stop being attracted to her.

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        • SB Says:

          You are probably right, and women do know this, which is why it is so hurtful and devastating. Why does that matter?

          I was responding to the fact that commenters have said women don’t enjoy sex and withhold it after they have “hooked” a man; I said that I have never heard of that in real life, but have instead heard the opposite.

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          • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

            Right. But you implied that the men stopped having sex because they simply lost interest (or never had any) interest in sex in general. You were comparing them to the women who feigned interest in sex in order to get commitment. When the more likely answer is that they simply wanted out of the relationships and either no longer wanted to have sex with their partners, or were trying to get the woman to leave them by withholding sex. And yes, women do this too. But if the core attraction is still there, even if other aspects of the relationship are failing, a man is still going to have sex if it’s offered. So a man who denies sex usually does so because he’s lost interest, grown bored or no longer wishes to be in the relationship. Not because he’s lost interest in sex.

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            • SB Says:

              I disagree that they wanted out of the relationships because, for instance, when I told my bf I was breaking up with him, he begged me to stay with him and solve the problem. He then went to his doctor to figure out if there was a physical issue and spoke with a pastor, all of his own accord. I was set to go (wasn’t planning on marrying him, so I knew it was a matter of time before the relationship ended. Sad, but not out of the question).

              I don’t know the details of every single break up I mentioned, but the ones I do know of involved the men trying to make things work, usually resulting in the prolonging of the situation.

              In my case, we prolonged it for a year, in which we fell in love, became very close, and he asked me to marry him. Obviously, I wasn’t ready for that, plus the sex issue, while a LOT better, still quite problematic. I will say, there were no issues when we were just dating, but magically, after i finally committed to him, he could no longer perform. *shrug* maybe commitment freaked him out, who knows. But it’s like what you claim is true for women, is actually true for men.

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              • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

                he begged me to stay with him and solve the problem. He then went to his doctor to figure out if there was a physical issue and spoke with a pastor,

                Spoke with a pastor? Oh sweetie. Gay. Gay gay gay. And I suspect that happened more than once.

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                • DrivingMeNutes Says:

                  Yeah, pray away the gay. What has this blog come to when even Sister Moxie is mocking religion.

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                  • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

                    I’m not mocking religion at all. But the first sign of the geighs is when someone thinks religion or God can help them deal with it. You don’t go to a pastor to help you find the strength to have sex with your girlfriend.

                    Please don’t put words in my mouth. Or anything blue-ish.

                    And PS? He never went to a doctor, either.

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              • Crotch Rocket Says:

                “spoke with a pastor,” WTF? A pastor is the last person on earth I would talk to if I was having problems with sex. Okay, second to last–the last would be her father. That dude had a serious case of the gays.

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            • SB Says:

              So when men withhold sex, they have valid excuses but if women do it, they are being manipulative to get…the man to marry them? Not only is this extremely sexist, but it doesn’t even make sense.

              If I someday end up dating a man who wants sex a lot more than I want with him (the only scenarios I can imagine here are I would just not be physically attracted to him or he is just so god-awful in bed as to cause me to prefer to do it myself), that would be a deep compatibility issue that warrants a break up – not marriage. Better to break if off with that guy to find a dude who makes you want sex as much as a normal human being again, one you are actually attracted to and compatible with.

              I find this defending men at any cost, yet blaming the women no matter what, view of yours to be quite interesting. Makes me wonder if you aren’t kissing up to the male commenters here for some reason; it certainly defies logic and common sense.

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              • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

                What I said:

                Now, that could be because of a lack of desire or it could be a form of punishment. Whatever it is, it’s usually has something to do with the woman and his attraction to her.

                I never denied that men could withhold sex as a form of punishment or to be manipulative. I also said that there are a number of reasons why a woman/man might not be in the mood which are totally justifiable i.e. illness or exhaustion.

                I find this defending men at any cost, yet blaming the women no matter what, view of yours to be quite interesting.Makes me wonder if you aren’t kissing up to the male commenters here for some reason; it certainly defies logic and common sense.

                Of course it defies logic. It doesn’t support your inner narrative where you’re just so hot and sexual that it’s impossible for a man not to want to have sex with you unless there’s something psychologically/physiologically wrong with him. What’s that saying? Show me a beautiful woman and I’ll show you a man who’s tired of having sex with her.

                Even when men come in to support my assertions, you still cling to your beliefs. It’s inconceivable to you that a man just got bored with you. (Or was gay). There has to be a reason, one that does not in any way tarnish how you see yourself.

                Bottom line…I’d say probably in 90% of the cases you know about where the men stopped having sex with their women, it was because they were bored, no longer found her attractive, were cheating or wanted out. That’s it. Or, maybe these women who were all so super duper sexual used sex to avoid real intimacy and the men just lost interest because they woman wasn’t capable of giving them what they wanted. You want to make it about men just not being up to the task. When really, they just no longer wanted those women. And maybe if the women were more in tune with their men and with reality, they’d still have them.

                If I didn’t want women to succeed and be happy, I’d indulge their delusional fantasies.

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                • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

                  I’ll even take this a step further. I think, SB, that you equate sex with attraction. Meaning, I think you like lots of sex not for the gratification, but for the affirmation that that man still finds you hot. I think that’s why sex is so important to you. You’ve made it clear that you’re still hot. It’s very important to you that we all know that. When really, your hotness probably doesn’t even factor in to the equation at all. You’re the one who thinks it does.

                  Just by the nature of the fact that few of us actually orgasm during the process (another lie women tell each other) means that we’re doing it for other reasons.

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                  • SB Says:

                    I don’t think you actually read my posts. You certainly don’t understand them.

                    Also, apparently I’m one of the very few lucky women who actually orgasms better and faster with her partner. Now that would make sense why, if there does in fact exist, women aren’t interested in sex.

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                  • nook Says:

                    If you aren’t even having orgasms, why do you sleep with men so quickly? What are you getting out of it? I’m surprised, i would have guessed you are able to climax easily. Are you in it for the physical closeness? The intimacy? Something else?

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                    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

                      No sure who you’re addressing with this.

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                    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

                      Ok. Now that I’m on a laptop I can scroll the thread easier. You were addressing me.

                      OKCupid has a question in their About Us section that asks, “True or False: The orgasm is the most important/best part of sex.”

                      I chose False. I don’t have sex for the orgasm. I can do that to myself. I guess the overall reason i have sex is for the connection.That need for a connection has different motivators: need for attention, need for control, need to get off, need to connect, attraction. Sex is as psychological for me as it is physical.

                      As for why I sleep with men “so quickly”…….

                      Because I like sex. Like I said, sex for me isn’t just about an orgasm. But it is psychological for me. Which is why I avoid any sort of “one and done” situation if I can help it and am aware of it.

                      If I got physical with a guy, it was because I believed we were on the same page. Only a few times in the handful of times I’ve gotten physical in the last 2 years was I proven wrong.

                      One guy I went out with 3 times and turned out to be dating someone else and I suspected was cheating, so I cut bait. Another just faded after hooking up on the 2nd date. Another faded after we had sex on the 1st date, then reappeared and apologized for fading and explained he was still dealing with the after-shock of his divorce. We’ve hung out since and have become friendly with no physicality. (And I didn’t have sex with each of them.)

                      The others (1 of which I’ve known for a very, very long time) , each of whom I slept with by date 2, ended up being guys I dated for an ongoing period of time. (2-3+ months.)

                      Any other time I had intentional casual sex it’s been with guys I’ve known for several years. Of the two of those, only one do I regret. And that’s the only instance of actual regret in 2 years. I don’t regret the 2 faders or even the shady yoga dude that I believed had a GF.

                      Sorry to get defensive, but I kind of felt like I had to set the record straight on that. I think because I’m an advocate of having sex when you want to have sex, people assume I hop on any stick that presents itself. As if I have that level of opportunity. :)

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          • DrivingMeNutes Says:

            This is yet another example of why experience is so useful. It should only be “devastating” for a woman or a man if that person had unreasonable expectations to begin with. Now you know: people get bored of sex with you, even if you’re smoking hot. It’s personal, yes, but not an insult. It’s a gift from nature. Merry christmas.

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      • Crotch Rocket Says:

        “Maybe I happen to know the only women in the countries I’ve lived in, including the US, who genuinely enjoy lots of sex?” Of course, that depends on what you consider “lots” of sex. A while back, the consensus among the women here was that once or twice a week was “lots” of sex, which I consider to be bordering on celibate. Most of the married (for over a year) guys I know report their wives are interested in sex once or maybe twice a month. Note these are women who, before marriage, were–or pretended to be–interested in sex daily.

        “I am talking women I’ve lived with and/or known intimately,” Should we take “women you’ve known intimately” to mean women who are bisexual? I’ve noticed a strong correlation between that and a (relatively) high sex drive in women, though I am uncertain about possible causation either way.

        “I don’t know women that make it hard for a man to have sex,” Again, I can submit plenty of examples. Heck, I’ve known few women who don’t make it a chore to some degree, so perhaps you, as a woman and getting all your data from other women, aren’t capable of seeing this.

        “I know that I am considered quite attractive, with a pretty fit body (dancer and weight lifter), and I, too, dealt with this issue with my last bf.” I just don’t get this. If I find you physically attractive (and “dancer” implies I would, though “weight lifter” implies I wouldn’t, so I’m stumped), then by definition I want to have sex with you. So, the only conclusion I can draw is that your last bf was not attracted to you, most likely because you’re not as hot as you think you are. because he was gay or because he had some physiological problem.

        “After a very difficult discussion with him about it, he finally started faking interest (but told me he was doing so)” Sorry, but a guy just can’t fake sexual interest. It is physiologically impossible. If he was able to “fake” it, that tells me he really was interested but wasn’t following through for some mostly-unrelated reason.

        “made me feel … like quite the fool for having to beg.” I’m trying to empathize and am not meaning this to be insulting, but I would quite literally pay to see a woman beg for sex because it’s simply so far outside my realm of experience I can’t believe it actually happens–like alien abductions or honest politicians. The very possibility boggles my mind.

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        • Angeline Says:

          (Raises hand) I had a period of years during my marriage when I had to do the initiating, which to me, felt so unnatural as to be offputting itself. I know, I know, women should initiate too, but I’m a good bit older than most of the folks here, and it didn’t feel normal to not be wanted enough for sex. Dating and early in the marriage, on the rare occasions *I* initiated, that meant I hinted or flirted, and he was off to the races.

          We went through the post-baby drought, and finding me asleep sitting in the rocking chair was a sight he didn’t have the heart to follow by suggesting sex, and he was very understanding. We got past that, back to our early days of 2-3 times a week (pretty damned good with 2 kids in the house) and then it just dried up. I have never felt so unattractive and unloved in my life. I was in my early 30s, almost at pre-baby weight, running and working out, and I could not for the life of me figure it out. Eventually I stopped trying, and we separated for a while. I gained weight, was depressed, and then his affair ended … huh? What affair? And as heavy as I was, as unsexy as I felt I was, all of a sudden his desire came rushing back. Sometimes it isn’t looks, etc., sometimes it really is the other person and their issues going on.

          I will say too, that his sex drive was always lower than mine, even when we were dating. He was in school, and I was working in a bar, and I put it down to his stress and the sex-charged environment I was working in. Mistake.

          I think there’s a lot of truth to the novelty argument – we were having fairly frequent sex, and had a lot of fun, but it wasn’t earth shaking. We didn’t have a lot of time sometimes. We didn’t have much time or energy for experimenting. I was very hesitant to bring up things I’d heard or read, because the whole issue had been so touchy I was afraid of messing it up again somehow. So I think boredom, and the attraction of the easy, uncomplicated other person was too much to resist.

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        • peppermint Says:

          “I would quite literally pay to see a woman beg for sex because it’s simply so far outside my realm of experience I can’t believe it actually happens…”

          It definitely happens. When I experienced it in one of my relationships, I went on the Internet looking for information and found whole websites/forums devoted to the topic. It’s definitely not as much of an anomaly as your anecdotal experience might lead you to believe.

          Also, you might want to rethink your aversion to women who lift weights since resistance training raises testosterone….;-)

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          • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

            Also, you might want to rethink your aversion to women who lift weights since resistance training raises testosterone….;-)

            There’s resistance training and then there’s weight lifting. I don’t think the average guy finds a jacked/bulked up woman attractive. That’s the image a lot of men get in their head when they hear “weight lifting.” Tone is good. But I don’t think super cut women (think Linda Hamilton in T2) are what most guys find attractive. I don’t think they find it very feminine.

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            • Steve from the city next door Says:

              I have an acquaintance who decided to become a lifter (she married a lifter about that same time). She no looks rather masculine…in her Xmas pic that just came through facebook I didn’t immediately recognize her (she also cut her short and colored it dark) and thought she was a guy. Back when I met her she was feminine and quite attractive (to me at least). Now not so.

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      • K-Dog Says:

        I’m wondering if you are joking. I mean, if you read your comment aloud are you actually not laughing? Seriously?

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        • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

          Who are you addressing? It helps to quote.or @someone so we know who you’re talking to. These threads get messy sometimes.

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    • Brian Says:

      Another common issue with sex drive, for both men and women, is simple exhaustion. Sleep deprivation can wreak havoc on your body. I’ve had stretches where I was only able to get 4 hours of sleep a night for 4-5 days, and there was just no chance of me getting an erection at that point. I had to make a point of getting a lot of sleep the next couple of days just so my girlfriend wouldn’t think I just didn’t find her attractive anymore.

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  6. nathan Says:

    I don’t know. I have said “no” before while in a relationship out of simple exhaustion or feeling ill. In those cases, it had nothing to do with the level of attraction I had for my girlfriend at the time.

    I’ve never felt like someone who can turn it on and off on a whim. Not sure if that’s the case for most men, or if it just appears to be that way.

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    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      I have said “no” before while in a relationship out of simple exhaustion or feeling ill.

      Right. That’s understandable and common. I’m not talking about isolated incidents. I’m talking about prolonged or frequent rejection.

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    • Crotch Rocket Says:

      “I’ve never felt like someone who can turn it on and off on a whim.” Well, I don’t know about other guys, but getting laid is the only way I know to turn my sex drive “off”, and even then only briefly. It’s pretty much “on” 24×7, not something I can control at my whim.

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      • SB Says:

        I would like to meet you. Perhaps you would not mind my high libido and consider me “demanding” of sex like I have been told (heaven forbid I like sex). *kidding, but..not really*

        I am not offended at all by your reaction to my description. I felt quite embarrassed writing it, tbh, as I’m not one to brag that way or even consider myself super hot. I put it in to try to emphasize how others see me, in an effort to silence those thinking lack of interest in sex equates to my attractiveness.

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  7. vox. Says:

    Take it from someone who has been married – sex seriously diminishes over time as the years pass. The reason are varied, but it does happen in most relationships. I think that’s why do many people – men AND women – cheat on their spouses. The same old same old gets boring, and in fact cheating can get your sexual juices going again so that you want to sleep with your partner again.

    I’ve never had a man avoid having sex with me, but I’m come across several who simply weren’t up to the task. Now, I avoid fat guys, drunks and men on medication (if they admit it) because at this stage of life, only healthy men are worth anything sexually. I dated a fat guy for a few months, and he was crap in bed. Because he was crap, I wasn’t enthusiastic about having sex with him, which of course led him to feel undesired (which was true). Never again, as it’s bad for both of us.
    How have you been enjoying this freakishly warm December?
    One last remark, I’ve noticed that women over 40 seem to fall into 2 camps: those with an incredibly high libido, and those without. I’ve also noticed that those without are much more likely to have children.
    This makes me wonder if it’s a matter of biology at work: am I rabidly horny all the time because my fertility is on the decline, and my basic instinct to reproduce is in high gear, making sex feel better to me so I’ll have more of it? And maybe that’s why many with children aren’t interested t all- they’ve already fulfilled their biological imperative. I don’t know if it’s true, but it’s interesting to think about.

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    • D Says:

      Dunno about women, but I read somewhere recently that testosterone decreases in men once they become fathers.

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      • Crotch Rocket Says:

        Becoming a father can’t have any direct biological affect on a man for fairly obvious reasons; we produce millions of sperm per day, and our bodies have no way of knowing whether any of them actually result in a baby.

        However, spending a lot of time with pregnant women, women in general or small children could well affect a man’s testosterone level, which could (but might not) be an indirect result of him being a father.

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        • D Says:

          Yeah, that’s what I meant. Evidently spending a lot of time with your kid/family slows down testosterone production. I imagine going to a strip club has the opposite effect.

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    • offensivedan Says:

      I don’t think so in my experience. I bedded a 43 year old woman with a 11 yr. old kid a few months back and her sex level was on par with her younger contemporaries once she was “excited.” I have to say, she was one of the best lays I have ever had and she knew what she was doing.

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  8. Karen Says:

    Being past child bearing years can help your libido because no more worries of pregnancy!!

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    • Vox Says:

      Is an woman over the age of 35 actually *worried* about pregnancy? Of course not. Everyone understands how it works by then, so there is no need to worry. It would be interesting in hearing from a woman who actually is past child bearing years – I am pretty sure you are not – and how her libido is compared to her younger days.

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      • Angeline Says:

        I’d say as I get to the unpredictable end of my child-bearing potential, it becomes MORE of a worry. There isn’t really a safe, reliable method you can use at this age. There isn’t any predictabilityy of the cycles anymore. “Late” and skipped periods lead to some tense days, as I *really* don’t want to get pregnant at this age. If anything, it’s worse than when I was younger. I keep thinking each period will be the last, and I’ll be done with it. For a variety of reasons, I can’t do the pill or HRT. So there you have it.

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        • Vox Says:

          I don’t understand. Why are condoms not safe and reliable for a woman of your age? Is there a physiological reason that I’m not aware of?

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          • Angeline Says:

            Latex allergies. And I’ve gotten pregnat from a failed condom, so they don’t give me the certainty i’d really like when the periods get erratic.

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  9. mari Says:

    I am 50, and past childbearing age – still like sex, want sex, and sleep with my bf. Hoping that never goes away – and will probably take some sort of low dose hormone in the event tthat my hormones mess up my desire. My libido was the lowest when I had two little kids -, by the time I went to bed, I was done/asleep – was also fairly unhappily married – sure that also added to the lack of desire.

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    • Angeline Says:

      I’m 53, and second everything mari said. I felt like a freak for a lot of years because I thought that a woman having a high sex drive wasn’t the norm.

      Now I’m with someone who has a sex drive like CR’s, and couldn’t be happier. I think the .private Man or the other guy in the PU universe (d something?) have some valuable advice about keeping the ‘game’ going even after marriage, to keep sexual interest high on both sides. It counteracts the natural but un-fun inevitability of post-baby/post-wedding hormones settling into domesticated boredom. However unpleasantly they may couch the discussions, it is the very thing women say they want – keeping the romance, the mystery alive. They just don’t like to hear that this means keeping them unsure and off-stride enough to keep the romance and mystery in *themselves* alive.

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  10. Jeanne Says:

    An answer for Vox. Way over 35 and enjoy sex very much. But, it must be accompanied by caring and some interest in the partner. Maybe we feel safe because we know that we can’t have children (been there and done that, successfully) but I think it is much more about the intimacy involved. And it just feels good. :) I also like men, still do not understand them but enjoy being in a relationship very much. Do not want marriage or living together, just caring and commitment. I may be atypical but don’t think so……

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