Comment: I met a great guy at speeddating in August. We went out once shortly after we met, and our date was awkward. I didn’t think much about him until recently, and on a whim, I reached out to him to see if he’d be interested in a second date. He was interested and told me I was “intelligent, fun, and gorgeous.” We went out again and this time, we hit it off. We talked about going out again the following week and spoke about some concrete dates. We texted a bit over the following week, and when I mentioned going out again, he gave me some excuses about being called away on a business trip, and not knowing what his plans would be towards the end of the week, but he’d let me know. Well, it’s the end of the week and we have no plans. Since I’m a “intelligent, fun and gorgeous” person, I made other plans. I’m not going to sit around and wait for him. But I’m hurt. It’s hard to find a connection with someone and I feel let down. He doesn’t owe me anything – we only went out twice – but he told me that he hasn’t been attracted to someone “like this” before and he also told me he liked my personality.
I could think it is me, but it sounds more like it’s him. I could say “He’s just not that into me” which could be true, but I also think the timing may be off. Should I just write him off?
Yes, you should just write him off. You could contact him, but you would be one of a few that he dates, and he probably would never give you what you want.
He was interested and told me I was “intelligent, fun, and gorgeous.”
This is a personal pet peeve of mine. Most men that offer such glowing compliments like this to a woman they barely know is either really socially awkward and trying too hard or completely disingenuous. They’re either telling us what they think we want to hear because they don’t know what we actually want to hear or they’re just trying to sweet talk us. Either way, it’s a red flag for me. The only women who respond to such compliments are insecure/inexperienced ones or women who are self-important.
This guy only said yes to the second date because he thought he’d get laid. You followed up with him after he blew you off, making yourself look too eager. He thought, “Jackpot!” When he didn’t get laid after that date, he moved on. Easy squeezy lemon peasy. We could do the “Oh girl, you dodged a bullet!” thing that the ladeez like to do. But that is only said so the woman can feel better about potentially having bad taste in men, dating far out of her league or chasing a guy who wasn’t interested in her in the first place. We really need to stop enabling each other’s delusional behavior. It’s not helping anybody.
He doesn’t owe me anything – we only went out twice – but he told me that he hasn’t been attracted to someone “like this” before and he also told me he liked my personality.
That would be a lie. He lied. He was trying to make you feel “different” and “special.” He probably uses that line on the majority of women he dates. Even the ones he doesn’t find attractive. Most of the time when a man says things like this so soon he’s tapping in to a woman’s competitiveness with other women. He’s trying to exploit that for his benefit.
I could say “He’s just not that into me” which could be true, but I also think the timing may be off.
Oh no. He’s just not that in to you. It’s been four months or so since you first met. His schedule isn’t that bad. He’s just not that interested. Don’t make the mistake many women make and try to rationalize this. It’s been several months. It’s over.
It’s hard to find a connection with someone and I feel let down
But…where was the connection? You may have felt it. But he clearly didn’t. He needs to be connected, too, in order for things to work properly. Just because he said all the right things and the conversation “flowed” and things maybe got a little touchy feely doesn’t mean the connection was mutual. This is where you’re going wrong. You thought the feelings was mutual. It wasn’t. He probably has the same date with multiple women every week, and he probably dodges texts and emails and has last minute trips all the time. This is what he does.
The only thing you did wrong in this scenario was go back for more. But it’s done, and now you should pursue other options.