Beware The Man Who Commits Too Soon

Name: Carina
State: Florida
Age: 32

Comment: Moxie,

I moved to Florida last August from NYC.  Dating here has been great!  So much better than in NYC I have to say. I dated a few guys my first few months here and then I met a great guy 1st week of December.  We hit it off right away and we started a committed relationship within our first week.  It has moved quite fast.  We’ve only been together a bit over a month now but I can already feel he’s the one for me.  Of course since I’ve never moved into a relationship so quickly (and being a jaded New Yorker), I cant help but question the relationship sometimes.  I’ve been staying at his place 2-3 nights a week and he asked me yesterday if I would like some area in his closet to put my things because I go back and forth with a bag but I always need things that I don’t have with me plus my daily personal things etc.  And its getting annoying to be carrying a bag back and forth.  Also, this morning he mentioned that he would get me a key to his place.  He works from home most days and sometimes hes in the office on long business calls and when I get there after work Ive had to wait until hes done with his calls to open the door… I also use his gym sometimes or go in and out to get whatever so I dont know I guess hes thinking it would just be easier I guess…  Hes asked me a couple of times if I would feel comfortable living there and I think I would.  We already told each other we are in love, he met my family NYE (I havent met his) and we are on the same page in terms of what we are looking for… family, children…  He even asked me if it is something Im looking for in the near future.  He says hes ready for it and has hinted that within a year he would like to be moving forward with that plan which is exactly my wish.  We are the same age btw, 32.  Hes taking me on vacay next month to Europe and we just cant wait!  But, what do you think about this closet space and keys situation?  I feel like I want to be with him ALL the time.   And while this situation may sound great feeling the way I feel about him, Im afraid it may ruin what we have or may even make it too comfortable and easy for him (isnt it againts “the rules”?) and he may never pop the question.  What do you think?  I dont want to regret my choices later on…
State: Florida

 

You’re asking a lot of good questions. Unfortunately, you’re not asking the one question you should be asking.

Why is this man in such a rush?

I’ll say it. This situations feels all kinds of shady to me.

We hit it off right away and we started a committed relationship within our first week.

You can’t be serious that you think this is in any way normal or healthy. It’s not. Forget about all those stories you hear from friends and on websites or blogs. While a small percentage of these examples might actually be healthy, the large majority of them are not. Either somebody’s desperation or loneliness is being exploited or they’re both emotionally unhealthy people who happened to find each other, as most emotionally unhealthy people do.  That’s it.

Right now, you’re just so excited that you’ve met a man who not only wants to commit but wants to do it as soon as possible that you’re not seeing this situation clearly. You’ve crammed a bunch of milestones in to 6 weeks. Really think about that. Does that sound rational to you? Do you think it’s wise to be discussing children with someone you’ve been dating all of 6 weeks? Especially when you haven’t even met his family? Who the hell knows what sort of defective DNA he might possibly be carrying with him. These are the things that need to be considered when discussing children. People don’t just say, “Hey! Let’s have a baby!” There are things to be considered, many of which require that you have a clear and strong understanding of your partner’s values and history.

Right now he’s keeping you preoccupied with trips and sweet sentiments and offers of commitment. Why? You need to ask him why he’s in such a rush. You also need to ask yourself how it is possible you don’t think any of this is weird because your warning bells should be clattering so loud that you can’t hear yourself think.

I do not trust any relationship that starts off this quickly and intensely. Sorry. The only people who move this fast are either people with an agenda that has nothing to do with love or people who are needy and co-dependent.  Now, maybe you’re co-dependent, too. Maybe you two are both co-dependent people who have found each other. Super. Unhealthy people find each other all the time. But you two are talking co-habitation, possibly merging some of your finances…and children. Capital B Big Deal. These are not things you jump in to.

Im afraid it may ruin what we have

What exactly is it that you have? What could you have possibly developed in 6 weeks that is so profound? You are so caught up in the trappings of this relationship that you are ignoring the blaring sirens. He’s got a great apartment, he works from home, he’s taking you on a trip, he’s met your family, he’s said the “L” word. What do you really know about this man? And no, I’m not suggesting you do a back ground check. I’m suggesting you wake up, take off those rose colored glasses and ask yourself why you’re so willing to go along with this romance. I get that you moved from a  city that has a dearth of commitment-minded men. I understand. But that makes this story even more questionable. The new in town single woman desperate for a man who will commit meets one that commits in a week. It’s too perfect.

I’m telling you. No healthy  man is jumping to commit after this short of a time frame. No way. If they do, they’re either really desperate or shady. Men know that the best way to get a woman to behave the way he would like her to behave is to agree to be her boyfriend and “commit.” It’s like shooting fish in a barrel. Once he gives her that, he can pretty much do whatever he wants. He will point to that one gesture to “prove” his worthiness and use it every chance he gets.

You need to take a few steps back and look at this situation objectively. You also need to get some background on his relationship history. This guy has either scared every woman off or he has moved a few other women in to this apartment only to have things dissolve soon after.

 

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112 Responses to “Beware The Man Who Commits Too Soon”

  1. Sarah Says:

    Yep. But go on vacation first.

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  2. Erin Says:

    I don’t see any red flags at all! I see huge Red Banners Floating across the sky!!!! My first thought is this -the guy probably had a very serious relationship that went south badly leaving him crushed. He sounds like he is moving at warp speed so as not to feel bad about the demise. Some people think the best way to get over a bad breakup is to jump head first with complete abandon into a new relationship. In rare instances, people do make it work when they jump in like this but I agree with Moxie how quickly it began I’m guessing it will burn out as quickly too.

    For people old enough to look back on a successful relationship, one of the most wonderful things is to remember the beginning with all it’s uncertainty and magical moments built over time that propel you forward in the relationship. Moving at warp speed you miss out on one of the most cherished aspects of a long term relationship. I realize at 32 that might be impossible to comprehend but give yourself the gift of time. If you are meant to last, taking it slowly will only confirm what you feel in your heart.

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  3. BruceWayne Says:

    Seriously beware. The only guy I’ve ever known who desperately wanted to get into a long term, serious, committed relationship immediately was unemployed, unattractive, and had very poor social skills. He basically wanted someone to take care of him, emotionally and financially. He wanted a mommy.

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  4. Christina Says:

    Wow. This is going way too fast. And I would definitely be wondering why. At the six-week mark, you may very well be feeling giddy, but you’re still just getting to know each other. There is NO WAY either one of you can be sure of finding THE ONE (which is a bunch of crap, btw.) this early on. Truly, what’s the rush for either one of you?

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  5. PeachtreeCtr Says:

    Do yourself a favor and post your question to someone who has been in a LTR, not a 45 y.o. permanently single lady. If you want to be in a successful, long term committed relationship, ask someone who is in one and is happy.

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    • lana Says:

      Yes, we all dont have the same experience, and there is a BIG difference between someone who’s idea of a long term relationship is 2 years. There are always red flags, and no relationship is perfect. if you wait for perfect you wait forever. If it feels good, and no warning bells are going off for you, continue the relationship as you feel is best. To end it because he IS ready for an LTR is just silly. Do you know why he may be ready ? Does he come from an intact family and he always thought he’d also start one after 30 ? maybe his time table was always that, and you came in at a good time. :) but there are no guarantees for anyone either way.

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    • Crotch Rocket Says:

      Nice to see you back, Vox. I was concerned that you might have done something drastic after your meltdown a few weeks ago. Unfortunately, your attitude doesn’t seem to have improved any.

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      • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

        Yeah. That was too obvious. I figured most people knew it was her which is why I never bothered to respond.

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  6. NYgal Says:

    im with peachtree on this. This blog is amusing but please dont take any advice she gives seriously. The woman is a nut case with no LTR experience whatsoever. At 45!??

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  7. Carina Says:

    Moxie, I had to wait for him to finish his business calls twice because Ive made it to his place earlier than expected. Both times I heard him on the phone and didnt want to knock loudly while hes on important work conversations. Hes the CEO of his company and I feel it is disrespectful to interrupt him while hes doing business. And when I said I wait, it is 2- 3 minutes until he gets my text that Im by the door.

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    • DrivingMeNutes Says:

      What about Moxie’s other question. You know, why do you think he’s in such a rush? How could you trust a person who has demonstrated such lack of impulse control? As much as you barely know him, he barely knows YOU. Doesn’t that concern you? It should. That’s the problem here. It’s not that it’s” unhealthy.” That’s too vague a criticism. The problem is that the OP is so excited by the idea that a guy wants to commit to her that she won’t dare question why he would do that. It’s okay to be critical. That’s how you learn.

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      • Carina Says:

        I dont have a specific answer to that. We just love being with each other. He gets me. Also let me clarify that although everything has been great for the most part, we have had disagreements already but those have actually brought us closer. Maybe we are in a rush because we already know what we want in life. We are not kids. And honestly at 32 I do feel my click ticking. I have asked him if he thinks we are moving too fast and he said he hasnt felt like this in a long time and that the last time he was innlove he wasnt ready for marriage. He just sold one of his companies and feels like all hes missing now is a partner in life. Hes a smart guy, 2 phds, handsome and extremelly stable financially. He says the last time he was in love he wasnt ready for marriage etc. And that he genuiely feels that hes ready now. He doesnt pressure me to do anything or rush me. He just lets me know hes committed to this relationship. We both have parents with serious illnesses right now and our perspectives may be different than yours. But sure, I still wonder if we are moving too fast cause I havent done this before. But then again, Ive taken it slow before and things didnt work out.

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        • PeachtreeCtr Says:

          Let it be, see where the relationship takes you. There is nothing Moxie can say to you that will be helpful, since she has never been in a serious long term relationship. The only type of question you should ask her is “should I spit or swallow” and even that is a question you ask her about a dude you picked up at your local saloon. Not a real date.

          Sound to me like you met a great guy who really is falling for you. Maybe there is something wrong with him, or maybe not. Just don’t ask an always-single chick who is invested in the failures of other women. She is over the hill, her day is done, and yours isn’t . If you are going to listen to a 40+ woman, make it a 40+ woman with a romantic life you want. You don’t want Moxies. No one does. Ask ones who actually form relationships with men.

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          • BruceWayne Says:

            If you have such a low opinion opinion of Moxie (or at least of Moxie’s opinions) then why do you bother reading her blog? And why would you bother to comment? There’s no point, and you’re just clogging up the page with negativity.

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        • DrivingMeNutes Says:

          “Maybe we are in a rush because we already know what we want in life. We are not kids. And honestly at 32 I do feel my click ticking.”

          We? There is no “we.” I understand why you think YOU are in a rush to commit. My question is why do you think HE is? Your response confirms my point – his impulsive behavior benefits you. So, of course you don’t know the answer as to why he is that way. You are not even willing to question it. You’d rather ask about spare keys and closet space.

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          • Carina Says:

            What is the ideal progression timeframe in a relationship? In your experience I mean. Not sire if you are in a ltr….

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            • DrivingMeNutes Says:

              I don’t have an ideal timeframe. A general rule would be: as much time as it takes to have a reasonable basis to trust him, and for him to trust you. When he says “you are the one,” there is an actual, realistic foundation for that statement. Right now, it’s all just words and fluff – and playing house- you’ve seen nothing of each other. The timeframe to achieve that goal may not be consistent with your maternity clocks and business plans. Life is a bitch.

              I don’t know whether Moxie has ltr experience but, if not, apprently it’s useless. She’s giving pretty good advice here. You should listen to her.

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        • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

          He just sold one of his companies and feels like all hes missing now is a partner in life. Hes a smart guy, 2 phds, handsome and extremelly stable financially.

          He’s educated, rich and handsome and he’s committing to a woman after a week. If he were poor and marginally attractive, would you be as willing to trust him? He’s done everything that women say they want a man to do in under 2 months. Hell, in under a month.

          Add to this he’s handsome and rich. Someone who just sold a company would normally be a bit more concerned about to whom he commits given that he appears to have a lot to lose financially. Not only that but he’d have women crawling all over him. Yet he’s willing to give that up in just a week?

          No reasonable man who brings this much to the table is locking himself in to something so quickly.

          We both have parents with serious illnesses right now and our perspectives may be different than yours.

          Meaning what? That you both want to get married so your parents can die knowing you’re taken care of? I have two parents with serious illnesses right now and I still don’t understand this rush to commit.

          You think you’ve found The Holy Grail and are too afraid to speak up and lose him. That is the opposite of trusting your partner.

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          • D Says:

            Someone who just sold a company would normally be a bit more concerned about to whom he commits given that he appears to have a lot to lose financially

            Eh, maybe. Having been in a similar position at a similar age, I thought was pretty much invincible and could do now wrong, including in my partnership choices. The idea of a prenup would have been offensive to me then (not anymore).

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        • wishing u well Says:

          I’ve been here at one point. And I’m not saying that this applies to your situation…but when I was in that situation – the reason the guy wanted to commit so quickly was that he wanted to kind of “trap” me before the extremely important potential deal breakers came to light. One of the most important ones was his revelation that he was abusive in a prior relationship….and still condoned what he called the “necessary” use of violence against women “who needed to be put in their place” or “knocked down a peg.” Umm…what?!?! Keep in mind that this same man – in public had always vocally advocated treating women well. Thankfully – I got out well before it proceeded to the point in which he may have tried to hit me. What is key here is that the minute he thought that he had “sold” me and that I was “hooked,” out came the controlling behavior, the early signs of verbal abuse, and the truth about things that it turned out that he lied to me about. And the “niceties” went away. All of this took place in the span of a few months. Let me tell you – it was a lesson learned that I will never forget.

          OP….run, don’t walk…run away from this guy. I implore you….this is not a Disney fairy tale. Nothing in life is free. If you don’t have the foundation with a man that truly warrants this behavior from this guy, don’t believe that you are the exception to the rule. Your gut told you to ask others about this…don’t override it. Also – please don’t overlook that you are brand new to where you live and are “fresh meat” to some degree. Take your time in getting acclimated to your new surroundings. Anyhow, I wish you well.

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          • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

            the reason the guy wanted to commit so quickly was that he wanted to kind of “trap” me before the extremely important potential deal breakers came to light.

            Exactly! Everything is perfect upfront. Then when she’s hooked, the bad behavior comes out. That’s why both parties rush in to this. The other person in the relationship is usually really insecure and fears their “bad” behavior will come to light too, so they jump at the chance for commitment. This guy has all the things women say they want. An insecure woman or a woman who is anxious to lock a guy down is going to fall for this hook, line and sinker.

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            • wishing u well Says:

              You are definitely dead on. What I should have included as well (hope the OP reads this too) is that at the time that I went through this, I was having a moment of insecurity based on other things that were happening in my life. I had reached a point in which I started to doubt myself on some levels. Even though I was in the process of working on solutions to the problems I was facing, I felt I needed a “bright spot” in my life. It seems as if the wrong kind of men can almost smell the vulnerability at times. What helped is the fact that I’m a person who does what she says and expect others to do the same if they want to be in my life as a potential partner. So when actions changed and the mirage cleared, I left. But my insecurity at the time is what caused me to overlook the red flags – choosing instead to act on the “hope” that “maybe this will be real” and made the poor decision to give him a chance. Not my smartest moment, but hey, you live and you learn.

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              • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

                While I agree that the men can pick up on a woman’s vulnerability, I think initially the woman meets a man who she believes is out of her league (so she thinks) and pursues him because of that. That’s all tied to the insecurity and vulnerability. Having that man in her life validates her and helps her deal with her insecurity.

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    • Adora Says:

      You never said what your family thought of him. I’ve been in situations where my mother didn’t like the person I was seeing, and she was right in feeling that way. It’s important for you to meet his family, because a man’s relationship with them says a lot about his character and how he will treat you in the future. All relationships start off perfect, so there is no indication that this will work in the long run, although nothing is guaranteed in life, except death. I wish you the best of luck.

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  8. Saj Says:

    Try not to panic or over think this OP. Things look good so sit back and enjoy. Just because he mentioned moving in doesn’t mean you have to. You also don’t have to get married or preggers this year either.

    I moved pretty fast in my relationship/marriage too but things felt right and I just went with the flow. I always get a bit irked when the term unhealthy is thrown around to describe these relationships. My husband is by far the most emotionally healthy, stable and balanced person I know. Also timing is important where when you two have finished maturing from the experience from past relationships and things tend to flow smoother as there are less kinks to work out.

    Different relationships reach milestones at different stages. Being in one where the milestones took forever or never happened at all to one where it happened quickly I can’t say slow is always always better. I would just enjoy and not make any giant moves for at least 3-6 months just to make sure you are getting a chance to see the real personality underneath. Also going on vacation is a great idea because you are both in an unfamiliar place doing your own bits of problem solving while having a good time. If you manage this without murdering it can be a good sign for compatibility. Deciding to step back and be distant just because could hurt any positive momentum you two got going and create drama where there isn’t any. Just relax and enjoy.

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  9. mari Says:

    I agree with Saj – enjoy the new relationship, take the keys for convenience and leave some stuff there..but don’t move in, give up your apt, give up making friends etc. You will continue to meet his friends and spend time together and any personality quirks will come out in the next six months..and then you can see from there. That said..keep your eyes open and don’t marry someone who you don’t really know..because of the rush there is the potential that he is lonely, trying to get over something, depressed etc. and looking for the new girl in town for the fix..

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    • just_me Says:

      Totally agree with Saj and Mari. Take the key, leave some stuff at his place, take your time to meet his friends and family (which will tell you lots about his inside self) and take a vacation together (and not just to a romantic B&B 30 min away). Take a plane to another country, rent a car, try to read minuscule road signs in a foreign language, go back-packing or skiing in a strange place, try to find a pharmacy at 1AM where you can get anti-diarrhea medication, etc. and you will learn A LOT about this person and whether you really want to spend the rest of your life together. It;s really easy for him to be on his best behavior as it’s only been a few weeks, it’s really hard to keep it up when you’re in a strange country (or state), out of your daily routine and comfort zone.

      I basically came back almost not speaking to most of my boyfriends after vacation (including one who came on really strong (like the OP’s guy) – he convinced me to go to Europe with him within a month of dating him (we split all the costs); I broke up with him the day after we returned when I realized what nut job he was after spending so much time with him) . The only guy I came back from vacation speaking to is the one I’m married to (I figured it was a good sign that we didn’t fight or have issues while on vacation!).

      The OP asked about what is the “natural” progression of a relationship. I would say, while you will never know someone 100%, if you date someone long enough to celebrate both your major/important holidays, meet some of his family, friends, and coworkers, go on vacation together, weather a few bumps (illness, stress at work, flat tire/car trouble, flooded basement, etc) you will get a good sense of how compatible you are, his/her values, negotiation/compromise skills (or is it always “my way or the high way”??), how s/he handles stress, disappointment, illness, etc. I think for most people that is normally about 9-12 months. That is, if you’ve dated for 9-12 months, then you’ve had the minimum amount of time probably needed by most people to “get to know each other”. (note: that doesn’t mean you NEED or SHOULD rush out and get married after dating for 9-12 months (or a bad sign if you’re NOT planning to after 9-12 months) as every relationship is different so YMMV, that’s just the minimum I think you should be dating before you decide to get married.

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  10. jesse Says:

    One more thing — I have lived in NYC and in Florida. The mind set of people are totally different in each place. People I knew in NYC were more driven and individualistic, and frankly thought more about how things affected them rather than “us”. There was always a slight wariness of how being a couple would infringe on their life.

    People I knew in Florida were more into coupling up, combining and sharing a life. More old fashioned in a way. And more willing to take the leap into marriage. That said, I knew plenty of women in Florida who were working on their 3rd husband before reaching 30.

    I wouldn’t move in with him. But don’t be scared off because he wants you. Take his advice and wait a year before getting engaged. If you still love him after a year, then go get hitched and have a great life together!

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    • SB Says:

      This.

      Carina, Moxie is a smart woman who tends to give pretty spot on advice (despite what some have said here, strangely), even though she is human and can still be wrong, at 45 she has lots of advice on how NOT to do things, if you want to see it that way. Someone who married their high school sweetheart and stayed with for decades on are very fortunate, pretty rare, and don’t have experiences to give advice by.

      From the outside of what you have described, this looks sketchy to me. Reminds me of a guy I dated a couple of years ago who was controlling and verbally abusive, took me awhile to recover from that. I was feeling very insecure from some things that had happened recently, even though the normal me is actually quite confident. I was in a rare emotional state, and he took advantage, which benefits me because I actually got to experience what that is like even though I was not grateful at the time.

      Advice to you? If you are hearing warning bells, which I suspect you are since you wrote in, heed them. Do not ignore them. Notice inconsistencies with what he says, if he lies about things (his age, his work/business, etc), his views on women (does he respect women? Treat them kndly? Or are his nice gestures all a show to cover his true feelings for them), does he have friends/ Does he talk badly about people or exes? Does he talk badly about his “friends?” Do his friends not really seem to believe they are friends with him? All huge red flags. Don’t give him a pass because he is stable, successful, and good looking – those are things he has obviously made apparent to you as a way to “trap” you. I am projecting – that is what this guy I mentioned did to me. Could not stop talkign about his job, job offers, people using his resume as theirs, showing me his first paycheck, etc. All a game.

      However, if he is just excited to be in love and just ready to move quickly because he isn’t thinking through, stay calm. And cautious. Be amused that he wants to give you space and move in, but stay firm in your boundaries. For me, I would be fine with taking some closet space to store my stuff for trips – practically, it just makes sense. I would also hold off on moving in for *at least* a year. You don’t really start to get to know a person until the 6 month giddiness wears off. Enjoy being with him, but keep your eyes open, acknowledge that you are smart, and remember that your options are many if this one does turn out to be bad. Give yourself permission to be “making a mistake” and dating a jerk; that way it will be easier to admit to yourself if you find out that is the case. It just means ou are human. Also? Find a trusted girlfriend or two, or even a guy!, with more experience than you and check certain things by them. Ask them questions, even if they are still in NYC and you need to call them. maintain those friendships and get reality checks often. You are right in knowing that you aren’t seeing clearly right now and will need several outside perspectives. Your friends know you and will be able to give, hopefully, better insight than any of us.
      But, if you only hear one thing today, let it be this: take this sloooowly. You will thank yourself later.

      Cheers/

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  11. Carina Says:

    Okayyy, Im not marrying him or anyone tomorrow and I dont feel hes on that plan either. I think I would give it 6-12 months to start considering that. But no longer than that. At that point if we dont know there are issues. So far everything has felt right and no I dont think hes perfect. Ive seen plenty of imperfections already but no deal breakers. And yes, an abussive man would be a deal breaker. But it is pretty crazy to think that because the guy wants a relationship soon that means hes an abussive man and that I should run. Thats pretty extreme I think. He hasnt given me a reason to not trust him so why should I doubt him from the get go without a reason?? As for him feeling lonely? I dont know, maybe. He has a lot of friends but is not the same. I want someone to go to every
    Night and to be there for me when Im having a bad day. And Well, if we are all happy being alone, why even consider a relationship with someone else?? Nobody wants to be alone! Im wondering if the people commenting on this blog are in serious relationships at the moment.

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    • wishing u well Says:

      I think that you overlooked the “big picture” of what I was trying to say….nothing in life is free! Too much too soon is a red flag. I am not suggesting that your guy is abusive – I just wanted to let you know what I missed due to my insecurity at the time. Just sharing. The phrase “crash and burn” exists for a reason. Ah well – hope it works out for you!

      I’ll also take it one step further – this was a guy who I dated several years ago. And yes, I did move on to a more serious relationship afterwards…in a normal time frame with a guy who didn’t expect everything in 5 minutes. I wish you well.

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    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      Im wondering if the people commenting on this blog are in serious relationships at the moment..

      This is a bad attempt at trying to discredit people just because we’re not agreeing with you or telling you what you want to hear. It’s a lame shaming technique because you can’t think of anything else to use to combat our sound and rational feedback.

      Also of note is the way you defer to DMN, a man, but go on the defensive when responding to the women and go for the ad hominem attack. You pull out the transparent “well how much relationship experience do YOU have” line, popular amongst insecure women, thinking it will somehow wound us.

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      • Carina Says:

        Only reason I discredit is because all Im hearing is negativity and hatred for no reason whatsoever. Sounds like many of you want me to run away from this evil man that is taking advantage of my vulnerability. That is the tone of the feedback from many. And that is why I ask from what place are these people coming from. An insecure woman may take that feedback seriously and dump the guy. Seriously!
        Basically if this was happening at 3-4 months mark its ok, but because it is within 6-7 weeks is not? Sounds like I may not be playing the game.
        Im educated, above average attractive, family oriented, independant, with my own condo (2 condos) my own car and a great paying job. Insecure? Im sure at times, but Ive never been called that by anyone that knows me. Let me add that I dated a couple of guys last year that were great catches, called every other day, good dates, good conversations, all nice and at a normal pace, ok kisses. What was missing? The spark and the passion. Arent you supposed to want to be with that person when you find all of that plus that incredible spark? If I dont feel that from the first 2-3 dates it aint happening. Not with me. Isnt the relationship meant to get to know the person? Anyway, Im not trying to attack anyone but I know that personally when a friend asks me for advice I make sure she knows I havent been thru that experience before if I havent and many times I tell them Im not the best petson to ask just because of that.

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        • dimplz Says:

          Ok, there are a few things going on here. I only read one comment that said to run away from this guy. I don’t think it’s a fair assessment being that we haven’t been told anything too alarming.

          The other thing here is that yes, it does take time to merge lives. Even if you’re not getting married right away, letting someone into your apartment says you probably haven’t been apart more than a few days after only dating a little over a month. I don’t know if that’s a good or a bad thing, I just know that it takes a very concerted effort to keep that up, and I know it’s not sustainable because things get in the way (work, family, friends, and other interests). So what happens when he can’t keep up with that? That’s when the fighting starts. This is why people take their time, not because they are playing a game, but because they have a lot of other activities that impede their ability to spend every moment together. And that’s a good thing. Because if it doesn’t work out, you will be scrambling to find ways to occupy yourself because you gave everything up to be in a relationship, and no one has to do that.

          If people are telling you to take it slow, you are seeing it as negative, so maybe you shouldn’t ask for advice here. Just go at your own pace and see what happens. That’s what you want to hear, anyway.

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        • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

          There is no hatred here. Again, that’s you trying to discredit the feedback you’re being given. It appears only one person has suggested dumping him, and it wasn’t me. What has been suggested countless times was that you ask him why he’s in such a rush. Not, “Are *we*rushing in to things?” You need to ask him point blank why he’s moving so quickly. All you’ve been able to offer as a defense is what you think is his reasoning.

          Basically if this was happening at 3-4 months mark its ok, but because it is within 6-7 weeks is not?

          Yes. That’s EXACTLY the point many of us are trying to make. 3-4 months and committing? Not so odd. A week? Odd. You want to believe that you’re different. Which is probably why he keeps harking back to past relationships and saying he wasn’t ready then and using that as part of his reasons for committing so quickly. He’s drawing a comparison between you and other women. And you’re buying it.

          Im not trying to attack anyone but I know that personally when a friend asks me for advice I make sure she knows I havent been thru that experience before if I havent and many times I tell them Im not the best petson to ask just because of that.

          I HAVE been in this situation, with two or three very different outcomes. But even if I hadn’t, that still doesn’t mean my feedback is any less valid. But you’re sitting there and saying that yours is different. For what reason, I don’t know, because you’ve only been with the guy 6 weeks! You haven’t a clue how this is going to play out. Yet you insist that your situation is different, with nothing to go on other than your opinions.

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          • Carina Says:

            Trust me Im reading and absorbing all feedback. But some do sound unrealistic with a very negative tone. Is not what they say but how and its hard to take any of that seriously when I dont feel is coming from a good place. I think taking it slow is good advice along with things to ask about myself and to him.
            Now, when you say 3-4 months to commit, you mean I should hold off sex for that long as well right?

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            • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

              Now, when you say 3-4 months to commit, you mean I should hold off sex for that long as well right?

              Nothing I said even implies that. Obviously you’ve slept with this man so I don’t see how that question is relevant to your situation.

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              • Carina Says:

                It is relevant because I wouldnt have sex with him if Im not in a committed relationship. (if I do see long term Potential with him) So if Im super attracted to the guy waiting 3-4 months sounds painful to me. But thats in my case cause Im quite sexual. That would be another reason to decide to be in an exclusive relationship after our 4th date.

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                • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

                  It is relevant because I wouldnt have sex with him if Im not in a committed relationship,

                  Annnd…there it is. Well that explains why he committed to you in the first week.

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                  • Carina Says:

                    Yes, of course. Would be stupid for me to just do it without being exclusive. I liked him a lot. Why would I want to be wondering if hes seeing other people while I start getting intimate and all attached?? That still didnt mean he needed to tell me he was in love a month later or starting to involve me in his life more.

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                    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

                      Well, he told you what you wanted to hear once to get what he wanted. What makes you think he wouldn’t do it again?

                      He committed so you’d sleep with him. Only guys who do that are either men with no options or men who think nothing of commitment and do it with such regularity and so quickly that it’s lost all its meaning.

                      Ask him how many women he’s lived with.

                      Would be stupid for me to just do it without being exclusive.

                      Stupid? Or manipulative?

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                    • Carina Says:

                      I have asked him. Hasnt lived with anyone. Has slept with many and has been in love 3 times before.

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                    • Crotch Rocket Says:

                      “Would be stupid for me to just [have sex] without being exclusive.” That’s not stupid at all; plenty of people, both men and women, do so. You wouldn’t buy a car without test driving it, would you?

                      Also, in general one has no idea if the other person actually is exclusive; all you know is that they say they are. In your case, though, you’ve basically crawled up his ass and consumed all of his free time so that he couldn’t be seeing anyone else. That comes from a place of insecurity, probably because neither of you has much of a life other than each other. That’s not remotely healthy.

                      “That still didnt mean he needed to tell me he was in love a month later or starting to involve me in his life more.” Yeah, it does. Guys know women expect a relationship to keep moving forward–and will cut off the sex if it doesn’t, so he’s progressing through the various milestones he thinks (correctly, it appears) you expect.

                      You are both seem to be trying to compress this relationship into as little time as possible. But why? Getting there is half the fun. And many things simply take time to evaluate and can’t be rushed.

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                    • SB Says:

                      Ok, be careful. The man in my example above admitted that he tried to do this to me (was all about committing, but I was the wrong woman. True commitment-phobe in the very literal sense of that word. After he brought that up, I disappeared and ignored him for a few months) after I wised up and told him I was leaving. he thought that “committing” to me, yet still sleeping around “behind my back and dumping me when he found someone else he wanted” would get me to sleep with him, which was his only goal, obviously, in hindsight. Why are there so many commas in there?

                      I didn’t dislike this guy before, but now I am starting to. Beware, he may still be a good guy, but now I think he is lying to you. None of us know him here, though.

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                    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

                      Has slept with many

                      And he told you this…why?

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                • Demetra Says:

                  Dear Carina,
                  I can see nothing wrong with the guy, everything sounds absolutely normal to me, I know many people who commited as early as that and I dont see any point in being involved with time wasters (you know, the kind of guys who need time to find out whether they are in love with you, they need time to find out whether you’re good enough for them etc etc)
                  However, I can see one quite serious problem in your relationship that has absolutely nothing to do with your boyfriend. Instead, it has to do with your attitude: Why do you feel the need to talk about him to strangers, expose your relationship in the internet and get “advice” from people who have nothing in common with you?? What makes you think that their opinion matters?? Your relationship is YOURS, and you should respect it, never share details, not even anonymously on the internet. You seem to be well educated, I believe you should try to value your personal life and keep it just for yourself and your partner. Speaking about it will only make people jealous and I dont think there is any point in receiving other peiple’s jealousy.
                  I hope you are still together with your guy, please keep my advice deep in your mind: Don’t talk about your personal life. Talking too much will destroy any chance of happiness.

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                  • Demetra Says:

                    I would also like to add that a guy with two phds and professional success is much more into commitment than any other guy. His life is dedicated to his science. All he needs then, is a woman to support him. No time for playing around, no time for silly relationships. As soon as he finds the woman that can offer him nice companionship of a certain level, of course he will commit.
                    All those nonsense i read above is written about people who have never done anything serious in their lives, have no idea what commitment means and waste their times in useless relationships of the type “let’s go out for months and see how it goes”. Dating for months with 2-3-4 people at the same time, in order to find out who meets your criteria and nonsense… No guy with a serious job and a serious educational background has enough spare time to waste it on silly dating. Being myself a woman with a strong background and several friends in the same position, I can guarantee that.
                    Good luck with your guy, I wish all the best.

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        • wishing u well Says:

          OP – no hatred meant on my part towards you. My initial “run away” comment is somewhat extreme and doesn’t reflect balance. It was a gut versus logical reaction. Please skip that part of what I saying and look at the overwhelming “be reasonable” advice being given by almost everyone else. My apologies if you took what I was saying as a personal attack. I may speak my mind, but I don’t advocate the tearing down of anyone.

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      • DrivingMeNutes Says:

        Also, my advice was to not take things at face value but to question critically. I wasn’t suggesting that she “run away” but that’s all she hears. (Again, that’s because I think she knows the answer to the question may reflect badly on her). Only on an Internet blog is “Be Reasonable” considered bad advice. Thumbs down for critical thinking!

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    • Dimplz Says:

      What are you talking about? You’re in a “relationship” for 6 weeks and suddenly you’re an expert? Both of you are acting on “feelings,” and while that could work out for you in the beginning, acting on “feelings” does not make for a lasting relationship. Ever. Sometimes you “feel” like you want out, for no particular reason. Do you follow those feelings? No, not if you want a lasting relationship. You won’t last unless you start to act based on logic and using your head and not your heart all the time. Would you discredit someone who saved you from drowning because they weren’t a lifeguard?
      Just because Moxie hasn’t had the same experience as some other ltr people doesn’t mean she can’t give sound advice. Sometimes the best advice givers have a hard time with their own lives. So what? If she didn’t make sense you wouldn’t be so defensive. Food for thought.
      And yes, I am in an LTR and very happy, but I’d be lying if I acted like everything is so great all the time. It just isn’t. That’s why you need things to unfold over time. Where’s the fire? I’m 38 and in no rush. If you marry the wrong person, you will spend the rest of your life healing from it. Take it slow.

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  12. R Says:

    I think OP should take a healthy step back, and try to understand the underlying nature of the relationship…and the advice is spot on…

    I speak from experience… Once I got into a relationship where things did move quickly, and it ended poorly. In part because I really liked the person, and ignored the red flags of the person.

    In a relationship this soon, (commit within a week? Did you really discuss exclusivity within a week?) it’s possible to be awash with emotions that it clouds your judgement, as it did for me. Slow it down, take a timeout. Reconnect at a later time….

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    • Saj Says:

      I’m not sure why committing early is so scary. It’s pretty much saying let’s just date each other and see where it goes. You can still break up just as easy if the chemistry fizzles out but at least you don’t have distractions of trying to maintain other budding relationships at the same time if what you have in front of you seems awesome and would like to know more.

      Feels like people rather stand in front of 3-4 different paths scared to walk down any one fearing they may miss out the treasures of the other paths. But you can’t walk down all 3 as far as you want to find anything good (unless sex is the only good) so you have to pick one at some point. Some do this sooner then later.

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      • DrivingMeNutes Says:

        If commitment weren’t scary, it wouldn’t be commitment. The word implies sacrifice of something of consequence. What you’re describing is a “trial period” with a money back guarantee, ie the exact opposite of commitment. I agree, if there’s nothing really invested then there’s no real harm when things go badly. Why are we even discussing this then?

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      • myself Says:

        I think committing early is scary because you really don’t know the other person too well, they say it takes a few months for people to truly relax and be themselves and then you find out what their real personality is like.

        Carina, I am not a sleep with people frivolously person either, but neither will I ever expect someone will commit to me within a week. I agree with Moxie that he “committed” to get what he wanted. He may do it with everyone.

        Just be careful and keep your eyes open and don’t make any huge life altering decisions this early in the game.

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      • D Says:

        I don’t think exclusive has to mean commitment. I’m exclusive with someone right now, but from the get-go we’ve talked about how we don’t think we’ll be together long term. (Not least because she’s moving away in a few months.)

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  13. Howard Says:

    I haven’t read anything to suggest anything is wrong with this guy. It may be that something is wrong, but no serious flags have shown up in six weeks. So why the speculation and conjecture? There is only one answer, YOU. Not saying anything is wrong with you, but this should be a wake up call to the baggage you may be carrying around, or your true feelings where you may be jumping more for the fact he is a catch, than the actual person.

    Now Moxie may be 100% correct, but that will only come out as you follow this rabbit hole. So use all this as a process to get your head straight, until that happens or doesn’t happen.

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    • scorpio Says:

      It takes on average, 2 years living with someone before most personality disorders show.
      I say that because many times, when 2 people have been together for a couple years and all that “newness” has run it’s course, the “realness” comes out.
      Sometimes it’s superficial idiosyncracies that show after those 2 years and sometimes, it’s more.
      Bi-Polar, Personality disorders, abusiveness…

      ANd yet here you are, “moving fast” with a man you do not know… I do question his motive as well.
      It’s not normal for a guy to do this. Not at all.

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      • Crotch Rocket Says:

        “It’s not normal for a guy to do this. Not at all.” Definitely not. However, rather than question why her man is acting abnormally, she assumes it means she’s special. And there’s a very good chance giving her that impression is why he’s doing it!

        It could be that he’s just clueless about relationships or that they really are meant for each other, neither of which is malicious. In the former case, she needs to slow things down so their haste doesn’t destroy something that may otherwise turn out well. In the latter case, there is no harm in slowing things down because they’ll still be meant for each other in a few months (or years). Lots of upside, no downside.

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        • Dimplz Says:

          “l. In the latter case, there is no harm in slowing things down because they’ll still be meant for each other in a few months (or years). Lots of upside, no downside.”

          For some reason, I think this bothers the OP because waiting = not special/not trusting. Most things that are worth it only improve with time, because it only reinforces the relationship.

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      • tryingnotomakeassumptions Says:

        Hi,

        I know you responded to this post a long time ago. I am just reading these posts as a way to rationalize my own breakup and try to move on, which seems so difficult to do. I was in a relationship that moved very quickly as well. The guy always seemed to have a gf or some companion. He is good looking, very handy, lumberjack, outdoorsy type. He comes across as incredibly confident, but deep down is insecure. He would get jealous a lot. Anyways, he courted me and romanced me heavily. Yet, he would freak out if he saw a picture of me with a friend on facebook…a guy friend that is. I was always extremely loyal to him. We lived together. I didn’t want to sabotage what we had, so I tried not to think about him always seeming to have a girlfriend. He made it seem like he liked or loved me more. But, he abruptly moved back to his hometown and broke things off. He wasn’t happy with his job…he said he was happy with me, but that he was too controllin to do distance. Literally, a week later, he was dating again, yet still in contact with me. A month later he wanted to get back together and wanted me to move to his hometown…about 5 hours from me. Anyway, at that point I had losted a lot of trust and had too much integrity to just drop everything and move up there. The fact that he could abruptly move out the way he did made me worrisome that it would happen again. When I gotten a job offer and wasn’t going to move, he was extremely hurt. He couldn’t handle it and as a distraction ended up dating a girl a week later! The girls he finds are usually all very intelligent, have their own life, jobs, attractive, etc. Of course they fall for him because he is manipulative. When things ended with the girl he called me again. He told me right when they started dating that she was a distraction. Anyway, I know I am only showing the negative of this man. The bottom line is, he wanted to be with me, but he didn’t want distance, so he lived in the moment. He is very “here and now.” He always needs a companion, and he wanted me to understand that even if he had a romance going on, that didnt mean he didn’t love him. He wasn’t cheating because we weren’t together. This summer I saw him and once again he said he wanted to be with me and that he would have been with me all along. He even used the word “marry.” I know that it is a bunch of BS because the actions didn’t measure up, but I really wanted to believe it. When he was dedicated to me, he was so dedicate dand I fell in love wiht all the quirks and things that made him unique. Well, as much as I wanted to hear him say he loved me and wanted to be with me, I was so scarred with the fact that he had dated two girls already. I didn’t trust it. Low and behold, two week slater he went to a craftsfair and met a girl and now they are together. What hurts the most is that she doesn’t seem like a distraction. it seems liek the real thing. She runs an organic gardening program and is a talented photographer. He is an arborist and bike mechanic. He is into sustainability like she is. I cna’t help but think that they are soulmates. I know this isn’t about her or him. I know I need to move on from this man, but I really did love him for all the good he offered. He now loves his job, has lots of friends nad I can imagine him doing everything for this girl. They have been together two weeks and it seems serious. Is this possible? Do men fall in love because the girl shares so many similar interests or has many talents? Or is this just another girl to help him fill avoid. I know I rambled. I just am so upset over all of this that I’ve been reading blogs on serial monogamists trying to convince myself that it isn’t love, its just lust. The bed is never cold with him. He wants so much to be married, but none of hte relationships work out. He acts like people dont’ love him enoug, yet he knows i loved him. He seems to be head over heals for this new girl though and they seem to have similar lifestyles. It eats me up inside.

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  14. chuckrock Says:

    every relationship goes at its own pace. if you are spending 2-3 nights week together you are going to be ahead of relationships that are longer time-wise but shorter in amount of time spent together. i don’t see any need to question his motives if he isn’t giving you signs of being disingenuous. I don’t see giving you a key as anything more than making things convenient and showing you he has nothing to hide.

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    • scorpio Says:

      I couldn’t disagree more.
      Spending unusually long periods of time with someone you only met a few weeks ago is immature, infatuation kinda stuff… It does not create a strong foundation, it simply distracts the parties involved from “whatever” it is they are running from or towards…
      Face it, even the OP’s radar went way the F up with the speed in which things were progressing.
      I think his reasons (which may be true,) are cause enough to be cautious.
      …He’s uber successful but has only had 3 long-term relationships?
      Ummmm, that doesn’t add up.
      Guys like that have women throwing themselves at them… Even if he didn’t have emotional relationships with these women, then he would’ve/should’ve been having copious amounts of SEX with the women who are attracted by his CEO status…

      Or,

      He’s gay, into some weird stuff and/or is emotionally stunted and will change on a dime to the OP when she leaves a cap off the milk.

      Stranger things happen everyday.
      It’s not a matter of IF, it’s when with this situation…

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      • Demetra Says:

        Being a CEO with two PHDs, doesnt mean having the time to playing around with every stupid girl is attracted by your position. In fact, it means exactly the opposite. That you are sick of these brainless girls and you prefer to deal with much more serious issues: Your responsibilities.

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  15. Fuzzilla Says:

    Pay attention to red flags doesnt mean immediately abort mission, just slow down. Red flags can turn outto be wrong, but never ignore them.

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  16. sarah Says:

    Sounds like it will be another crash and burn situation

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  17. Cricri Says:

    OP should just enjoy her relationship and not listen to that noise about the rushing and what not. The guy talked about getting engaged in a year, so classic it is a cliche, nothing to fuss over. My only advice would be to not move in just yet since you just got into that new city and you need to create your own support system there, have some space to entertain your OWN new friends. Go on with him but also work on your social life in that new town. It will give you more clarity and perspective; it is very easy to turn overly fusional when you know very little people.

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  18. Missy Says:

    OP- Please keep us posted…. in another 6 weeks or so. Let’s see how this plays out.
    I kindly wish you well!

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    • Carina Says:

      Still going well…. It keeps getting better.

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      • wishing u well Says:

        Dude, it’s only about 2 weeks after the initial post! Give it a few months down the road from now and then update us…hopefully you 2 lovebirds will be going strong. I wish you well!

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  19. Erin Says:

    I have just been scanning through the comments and this thought comes to mind. To clarify first, I am not saying this type of person is BAD I am just saying it is a certain type of person and most people tend to roll their eyes at these types of people. The Person who falls in love in such a way that no one else has ever loved like this before, the type of person who loves their children so much that no one else could possibly understand the love because no one else could love their children as much, the type of person who is just so special and extraordinarily better than everyone else that everyone who comes in contact with them has such special feelings towards them.

    Truly I think Moxie hit it on the head when she said “There you have it” when the OP said she needed a commitment in order to have sex.

    This may work out and it may crash and burn but it seems you are looking for some validation as to how special you are that this is the real deal where for other people moving at warp speed it is not. At the end of the day, it does not matter to anyone here but you so all anyone is trying to tell you is to be cautious and take your time. For the Real Deal, time is always a blessing and it strengthens your feelings and you see the true character of the person not just who and what someone says in order to get you to have sex with them.

    Listen to what people are saying – be cautious and take your time to let your feelings deepen over shared experiences that bond you in friendship and love.

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  20. Mandy Says:

    I picked out 2 things from the original post.

    1. “I feel like I want to be with him ALL the time.” I think this is a problem for you. You need to make sure you have more in your life than just him. (This goes for everyone, not just you). I believe most healthy relationships involve individuals coming together and enjoying each other–and you can’t enjoy someone else if all they bring to the table is their obsession with you. Make sure you have hobbies and interests and friends outside of just him. And this really has nothing to do with the time frame of your relationship–this goes for anyone.

    2.”Im afraid it may ruin what we have or may even make it too comfortable and easy for him (isnt it againts “the rules”?) and he may never pop the question. What do you think? I dont want to regret my choices later on…” I don’t think you relationship is as great and secure as you seem to say that it is if you are thinking about your choices in this way. I think this is normal for only knowing each other 6 weeks! Once you are more comfortable around each other (which can ONLY happen with time), you’ll be able to make a decision based on what’s best for you and for him, and you won’t be wondering if it’s some kind of game. I think you really answered your own question here–if there is any doubt in your mind that he’s a type of guy who won’t ask you to marry him because you’re already living with him, that’s a CLEAR and OBVIOUS sign that you don’t know this guy well enough to move in with him.

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  21. Marshmallow Says:

    I’m not the most observant of women but two things struck me:

    1. The man met the OPs family but she hasn’t met his. Of course, if might have been because they live out of the area but there has been quite a few holidays between now and the time they met. If they were committed after one week, there should have been a few occasions to meet at least SOMEONE or make plans to meet them. I consider that more of a commitment than a trip to Europe where he knows no one,

    2. The OP is new to the area but the guy seems pretty established there. Has she met any of his friends? He seemed awfully willing to spend all his free time with someone he just met. What did he do with his free time before they met? Sit home and twiddle his thumbs? So either he doesn’t have any friends – bad sign, or he hasn’t thought of introducing her to them – really bad sign.

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  22. grace Says:

    If this situation had happened in New York City, I would say beware. But I traveled around the country many years ago and I found that in places like the Mid-West and the South, EVERYONE was in a couple and I do mean EVERYONE. It was actually kind of scary.

    Have you noticed that this is the norm in your neck of the wood? If so, maybe this guy is genuine. Although I’d like to believe there are steadfast rules to dating and relationships, I am beginning to see that there really are few if any rules that apply to every situation.

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  23. novelty718 Says:

    To the OP…just enjoy your time with this man and don’t question. Listen to your gut if you feel something is off BUT also listen to your gut if you feel something is good.

    Life is too short to always question.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 4

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  24. Mark Says:

    Some people fall for the other person very quickly and very hard. Others don’t.

    Sometimes things move slowly while at other times they move at lightning speed.

    Too soon or is this just the right pace?

    No stock answer because it all depends. For most people I would say that what you described is a little too fast for most peoples taste. But that’s just them. If you know that you are the type that falls hard for someone very quickly only to find that you break up just as fast then you might want to slow things down a little. Not too much, but just enough to let things settle down. Get to know him, get over the infatuation phase and that sort of thing. That way you can take a breath and say that moving in (key and all) may be the right thing for both of you two.

    Yet, on the other side of the coin there are compelling reasons for letting things play out a little longer . Most of which you can probably figure out for yourself. If he is what you think he is, then I really, don’t think this should be too much of an issue. If he starts putting undue pressure on you to decide then you might want to think very hard about his motivations for doing so.

    Hope things work out for the best, but be ready for the worst.

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  25. joe-f Says:

    By my eight month with my now-wife, I was already talking about marriage and kids so I moved pretty fast. The reason was I dated quite a few girls over five years: I knew what I wanted, what my deal breakers were and my wife was much better than the minimum that I would accept. While she is not perfect, I didn’t want analysis paralysis. I am a busy guy like your CEO boyfriend, we don’t want to spend our precious time hitting the bars to pick up 20 year olds who we have very little in common with.

    I would suggest you keep an open heart but check everything before marrying him. Go on vacation, meet his parents, survive a sickness episode etc.

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    • nathan Says:

      I disagree with Moxie’s take on most of this, especially this. “The only people who move this fast are either people with an agenda that has nothing to do with love or people who are needy and co-dependent.” Just yesterday, I was reading an article about a local radio broadcaster who is retiring. He spoke glowingly about meeting his wife in 1980, and how they fell in love and were married in less than 3 months. It’s 31 years later, and they are planning on doing some joint venture together, and still smiling about their shared music taste. We don’t control the timelines. We don’t know how we’ll meet the person we come to love and be with. Certainly, it’s worth having some caution, and being willing to speak up about anything that feels like it’s going too fast. As long as the OP keeps talking and paying attention to the details, odds are she’ll make the right decisions. I find the level of pessimism expressed in the comments here to be quite telling of how screwed up the general mentality about relationships has become.

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      • Crotch Rocket Says:

        “they fell in love and were married in less than 3 months” Yes, and I know of one crazy exception that worked out well too. However, I know many, many people who thought they were similarly exceptional who turned out not to be and ended up in bad situations they could have easily avoided by waiting a few months–and there’s no downside to that.

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      • Saj Says:

        I read your last blog post that deals with a similar theme Nathan and I agree. There is so much caution and pessimism I wonder how people ever get into relationships at all. Well this guy really likes me (it must be a trap, he’s co dependent, he wants into my back account) so they go for the guy/girl who makes it hard for them to be close and justify it by thinking if they win them over through time and perseverance then it’s more “real and genuine” when I actually think it’s more of a subconscious attempt to avoid relationships completely due to maybe growing up with distant parents and chasing after love is what feels right and comfortable to them.

        The reality of it is that the guy or girl who makes it harder rather then easier to get closer (they are too busy dating other people, working, hobbies) isn’t quite the relationship prize that blogs make them out to be. He’s just not making a relationship or connecting with you a priority. You even have people emulating this behavior even though they don’t really want to but they don’t want to come off as desperate or needy. I don’t think making yourself available and making things easy for a person to get close to you is needy at all if that person is attracted to you.

        I also think looking at someone who IS making themselves available as if they have two heads is the biggest relationship mistake people can make. If someone appears to be offering you what you want and your instinct is to run or back off that seems very strange and backwards to me. Look at Carrie Bradshaw. Mr Big is NOT a prize and should NEVER be coveted as one. He was flakey, unreliable and messed with her self esteem with the push and pull dynamic and she ate it up. This was portrayed fairly realistic in the TV show but them ending up married in the movies was not. Then you have available guy Aiden and she dumps him and scores of women around the country nod their head and agree. These girls don’t want the intimacy, they want the drama and the uncertainty or the zsa zsa zoom when all of that is just metaphors for making sure you never take a real risk at a real connection.

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        • dimplz Says:

          There’s making yourself available, and there is crowding. This woman has worked up to staying at her guy’s place half of the week, so either she’s scrambling to do her errands in the other half of the week, or she’s totally neglecting them, neither of which are necessary (unless, oh wait, is he dying?) in such a short period of time. What’s she going to do after 6 months? There’s a reason for milestones. They help you catch your breath. I would think two normal people can learn to be patient after 32 years, unless one of them is trying to hide their crazy and trap the other before they get found out.

          I think it’s for her own good that she maintain her own space for a little while. Guys fall in love very quickly. Do they stay in love? Not so much. Guaranteed, within a few weeks, he is going to start trying to get some distance. You can’t go 100mph constantly. Eventually, you need a breather.

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    • Crotch Rocket Says:

      Talking about those things at six to eight months is one thing; talking about them at six to eight weeks is something entirely different. The former is reasonable for some people and some relationships; IMHO, the latter is way too soon. If it’s right, there’s no rush; if it’s not, breaking up is a lot less painful than moving out/divorcing/custody battles.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 1

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      • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

        Forget about 6-8 weeks. This woman issued the “sex for committment” ultimatum after only a week and he agreed. There’s nothing healthy about that. No self-respecting guy does that unless he’s desperate or has an ulterior motive. Color me pessimistic.

        This guy is a Grade A fraudster who’s taking advantage of the fact that this woman is new in town, has no real support system and no real social life. Which means she has no friends warning her or looking out for her. He is the center of her world.

        She’ll do whatever he wants because he fits the profile – rich, handsome, a “CEO” (a nice bullshit title that self-employed people like to give themselves so they can sound more impressive) and eager to commit.

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        • DrivingMeNutes Says:

          Agree about the CEO title, unless it’s given to you by a disinterested board of directors. And, you can take my word for it because, although I don’t have the credibility normally reserved for famed radio personalities in happy long term relationships, I am the Emperor of a nice Pile of Dirt.

          Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 8 Thumb down 2

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        • Crotch Rocket Says:

          “No self-respecting guy does that unless he’s desperate or has an ulterior motive.” Or he could simply be lying. After all, they’d only known each other a week; she has no reasonable basis to conclude this “commitment” meant anything because there hadn’t been enough time for him (or her, for that matter) to establish a track record of honesty.

          Also, when women make sex conditional on commitment, it shouldn’t surprise them when those men make commitment conditional on sex. We may be happy to agree to that after a week; however, if you don’t follow through on your end of the deal, there is absolutely no reason for us to follow through on ours. As someone once said here, “you can’t stop a man from having sex; you can only decide whether it’s with you or with someone else.”

          Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 12 Thumb down 3

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        • Greg Figueroa Says:

          You know she had to tell him, “I don’t have sex unless I’m exclusive.”

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  26. Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

    I shall now here to for be referred to as The Duchess of AndThatsWhyYoureSingle.com . We can marry in a splendid affair and Live Tweet it.

    I dated a guy like this. He had an obscure job title of “Executive” and referred to himself as a “film producer.” Turns out he was an executive assistant for some social climbing egomaniac who headed a glorified tax shelter aka “entertainment investment firm” and got a few vanity credits in exchange for his company investing money in shitty movies. He’d talk about being at The Soho House or some spa as though he were a member but really he’d be sponging off his boss’s membership.

    Trust me. Anybody who refers to themselves as a CEO who works from home is embellishing. He’s also the CFO, VP of Creative, Marketing Coordinator and Receptionist.

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    • Carina Says:

      Its possible. I mean, I did check out his website and his picture is there along with the other members. And Ive seen videos online of him accepting awards and they name him ceo when they call him on stage. And videos of his business partner thanking him as the ceo. But again, he could be lying.

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      • Melissa Says:

        Hi Carina,

        You’ve not written on this site since last January 2012. However, I had a very similar situation with my ex and we ended three weeks ago. I just wondered what the outcome of yours was? Are you two still together and happy? Or has yours ended too? I believe that people can fall in love quickly and it can last forever or it can end, like mine did (sadly). You never know, my ex may return…we will see.

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  27. deti Says:

    A man commits this quickly to one woman for only one or more of the following reasons:

    1. He has emotional issues. He’s needy, or insecure, or co-dependent, or desperate.
    2. He wants to have sex with you — he thinks his rapid commitment will accelerate the physical part of your relationship.
    3. He wants to “lock in” the relationship before his “issues” become apparent.

    Good rules to follow for this relationship:

    1. Don’t live together.
    2. Don’t accept a key to his place.
    3. Don’t go on vacation together — at least not yet.

    The only woman who should ever have a key to a man’s place is his wife. The only time a man should ever live with a female paramour is when he is married to her.

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    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      A man commits this quickly to one woman for only one or more of the following reasons:

      You forgot one.

      4. He’s lying. He expresses commitment but continues put his needs first. Including a desire to sleep with other women.

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    • DFL Says:

      “The only woman who should ever have a key to a man’s place is his wife. The only time a man should ever live with a female paramour is when he is married to her.”

      Excuse me, what age do we live in? Still the fifties?

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  28. LaRubia Says:

    I have a guy friend of mine who met and got engaged to a woman, er, GIRL, all within a month of meeting her; he’s 43, divorced for a year with a 10-yr. old son, is an executive at Microsoft; she’s 22, and does “burlesque” for some local burlesque troupe (A “B” team, NOT one of the top troupes) – she is now sporting a 3.5 carat rock, and they are inseparable . . . NONE of our mutual friends know her; and all of us have two words to say: PRE. NUP. Yeah, we’re just waiting for the crash. I know he likes being married; his ex pulled the rug out from him rather abruptly less than 2 years ago; I just worry that she’s gonna screw him for everything and then some . . . Ugh. It’s a train wreck waiting to happen.

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  29. Jada Says:

    My husband and I got married 5 months after meeting each other in person for the first time. At the time I would have told you it was because we were SO! IN! LOVE! And I just knew he was the one. Nearly 5 years later and we are going strong and better than ever, but that’s only because we have done so much fucking work separately and together. But looking back on it, it’s ridiculous and we were so dumb. It’s embarrassing, really. We were drawn together like iron shavings to a magnet but it’s because we were both so sick and had some pretty serious problems. But reading the OP’s descriptions and justifications sounds just like me circa 2007. Except I didn’t play the exclusivity card for sex.

    Slow down. What do you really have to lose?

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  30. Badger Says:

    Not much to be said that hasn’t been said, but this was so much like so many of those advice-column letters…”I’m dating this guy and it’s GREAT, but there’s just this one little problem…” And then it turns out the little problem is actually a big dealbreaker.

    I do think that above 30, the idea of quick courtship is a lot easier to swallow. But I think this whole thing just started too fast.

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  31. Marie Says:

    Hi Carina,
    Ya know, to me it does seem to be moving a bit fast, but I don’t really think that’s necessarily a giant red flag. I’ve seen it work first hand: people meet, it’s love at first sight, they’re engaged 2 months later and, fast forward 40 years are still in love and happy. Is it realistic and should you aim for that? Hell no. Is it possible? Sure.

    However, I think there is a BIG problem that you’re writing to ask about this. If you were comfortable and confident in the situation, I don’t think you would have written this question to Moxie. Because you had to ask, it seems to me that YOU think something is off and YOU think there is something to worry about. Maybe you’re nervous because you’re scared and have had bad experiences. Or maybe you’re nervous because there really is something off here. I think you should figure out why you’re apprehensive first and then decide what to do afterwards :)

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  32. sjantzen Says:

    Flags are totally red and bright! Friend of mine met a man at a club., He told her he just broke up the previous week with his girlfriend..my friend had also been at this club the week before when he was breaking up with the girlfriend and he claimed he had spotted my friend that same night…so, already a suspicious situation. My friend and he exchanged numbers and he immediately bought her a gift of boots for her birthday the next day. He also gave her a family piece of jewellery. Within one week, they were exclusive…Within 2.5 weeks, they were engaged, then married at City Hall within 5 weeks. We her friends were stunned. When she announced the engagement, we politely voiced our concerns, especially about protecting her assets…and getting a prenup. .She owned a home and also has 4 children ranging in age from about 17 to 25.

    She ignored our advice. This guy owns nothing; has no family here, and his job is not that lucrative…He is much younger (though, that alone would be no problem), He has already suggested (first week into their relationship) that they go into a business together, sell her house and buy one together (we suspect all or most of the money for the home would be her`s).

    Her children are extremely upset. This man has taken NO time to get to know the children. Our friend has basically chosen this man over her kids and just before Christmas even!!!. The kids are living with their natural dad (the son just moved out because of the marriage, her three girls were already back and forth, and her relationship was already rocky, but improving with them before she met this man).

    Our friend claims she totally trusts this man. He speaks broken English and we are not sure how long he as been here in Canada – he is from somewhere in the Middle East..lol..we are still not sure where.

    We feel so upset for our friend`s children…and are worried what the intentions are of this man…he is either up to no good, or just very desperate and possibly very possessive. Our friend`s last marriage was with a possessive man…she seems to be repeating past mistakes, and is very desperate to settle down with one man, irregardless of the damage to her relationships with all her kids.

    As friends, what can we do at this point?

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 1

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    • LostSailor Says:

      Nothing.

      Your friend has deluded herself into what has all the appearances of a classic swindle. I would not be surprised if your friend loses everything in the not-too-distant future, not to mention potentially being saddled with a large amount of “marital” debt by the time this guy takes off. Even if you were to uncover solid evidence that this guy is just out to take her to the cleaners, it’s unlikely she’d believe it and may end up resenting you for pushing the issue; if he gets wind of it, he will likely try to isolate her from you.

      The best you can hope for is to remain supportive; raise concerns as the situation worsens, but don’t push it when she continues in denial; and be ready to pick up the pieces when it all falls apart.

      Good luck. You and your friend are going to need it…

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  33. veronica Says:

    I think you are both simply infatuated. I will like to see what you think after 6 months when you wake up from the state of infatuation and realise that yes, there are most likely many things wrong in your compatibility. I hope for your sake this works out with you guys however, with what you are doing you are leaving very little to look forward for a lifetime together. i wonder whether because you are 32 you feel you just need to commit to someone as soon as possible because otherwise you might be too old to have children or something. How have your previous relationships been?. How well do you know his mood swings?. Do you really know what makes him mad or really happy?. I don’t know, i married a guy at 31 as i felt he was good for me and that we could make it. I felt i was getting old and i should be ready to commit. It turned out to be the worst decision i ever made in my life, even after 2 years i did not really know who he was until i actually made that comittment and he felt sure of himself. He changed more than i could have imagined or really i just did not want to see that there were warnings signs of what he could really be like. be careful of what you are seeing now, try and slow it down if you feel you want to spend the rest of your life with this guy then why rush so much.

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  34. Missy Says:

    I think you should be cognizant of the types of people that are out there. Wolves in Sheeps clothing that will prey on your characteristics and use them as vulnerabilities. Sociopaths are great manipulators. My soon to be ex-husband did the same dance. We married after 3 months of dating. I learned after 9 months of marriage that the entire things was false. He had 4 ongoing relationships with other women. Thank goodness I discovered what he was before we had children or he had an opportunity to mess with my finances. There are tell tale red flags that I was not aware of. Or perhaps I chose not to see them because I wanted to believe in the happily ever after. Keep an eye out and trust your gut.

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  35. Lola Says:

    Two years ago i was recovering from a bad breakup. I was living in a new town and country, working for a shitty company. Six months after the bad breakup, a new coworker (which i had a crush on) began to court me. It all happened very fast. After two months i lost my job and he got relocated to another city. At the time, the best thing a I could do was to return to my country for a while until things got more settled. Just a few days before i was leaving, he proposed to me and promised we he would do anything possible to be together again. The first month we were separated he called a lot. From the second month and after not so much. He would “dissappear” a lot and told me shady excuses. I was super anxious, sad and stressed (obviously not good and healthy) because i knew that he was acting weird. Two-three months after i broke it off and was completely heartbroken. That was the last time i spoke with him. Not even a month passed and i saw he was with another girl on his Facebook profile pic, younger that me (i am 29, she is 20). Then i found out he ALSO proposed to her after only 4 months (just a little more that he did with me). THEN i found out they were getting married that same year, and NOW i think i found out he already has a baby with her. Lol,,you can imagine my feeling of betrayal and lesson learned. I still haven’t had a relationship after that and will never put my trust in someone so fast.

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  36. Lola Says:

    I remember he mentioned having babies a lot, in that such short amount of time. Whenever i got upset that he wasn’t following through while we were separated he used to act like the victim and say that i was crushing all this “dreams” of having a family, blah blah blah. What a coincidence that he found someone so fast , got married and got a baby,,,hmmm,,,;-)

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  37. K Says:

    I think it is laughable and very psycho for someone to get jealous and clingy after knowing someone less that off and on for 2 weeks. She says she loves him! After less than 2 weeks, opinions please?

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  38. kkkfff Says:

    I’m going through a similar situation. I just met a guy this past thursday online and we have been inseparable. his red flags are that he wants to spend all day together and doesn’t really like me out of his sight. However, I haven’t put my foot down on my own life. I’ve abandoned mine as well. The best advice I’ve read that I will take is to just start implementing breathing room. The next couple of days I will stay busy and turn down any hanging out. That’s when I’ll see if he can handle our space apart. As one commenter said. We can’t always be on 100 miles an hour. Taking time and not doing anything drastic for 3-6months is my goal. But, being skeptical and negative about the potential of a growing loving relationship is self sabotage. A healthy step back is in place.

    I’d really liked to get an update on her situation. Its been some months now. Guess it either hasn’t worked or is working.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

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    • SH Says:

      Testing a guy is a sure fire way to ruin things. Honestly, some of us guys know what we’re looking for and we skip the ones with bs and go forward with the ones we’re interested in, simple as that. I’d give my keys out and give closet space quickly too. It’s for convenience, not because I’m desperate. You women all whine about wanting a gentleman and someone who takes care of you, but then get a skeptical when one does that upfront? Give me a break…

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  39. TBC Says:

    i would love to get the update on this!! please, fill us in so we have a romantic story or learn more about ‘red flags’–either way, a learning experience.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 1

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  40. Mit Says:

    I think its sad that authors like this fill the web with garbage. This is essentially the same thing that is happening in the manosphere. Man vs Woman is going to leave us in a mess of a world. We unfortunately have meshing parts and are supposed to be in harmony with each other. There is nothing wrong with loving someone and feeling emotionally committed to another human being. I think the level of detachment, serial dating and string-short-term relationships, if anything, can be unhealthy on the human mind. It’s easy to sit behind a computer and post what you think is right or wrong for someone. The sad truth is, how fucked up is our world when we go to the internet for our answers to love.

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    • LJG Says:

      Hi there,

      I’ve been in this position twice and twice there has been a reason for the man to sweep me off my feet. The dust that was created stopped me seeing properly. The first one proposed within three months. He was handsome, charming, successful, energetic, was 45 and had never married. When the dust cleared he was drug dependent and had roped me into his shady, debt ridden life. I was 39 and we were trying for a baby. The empty promises, the lies all made a very sad mess of my life for some time to come. A liar had robbed me of my future. I thought always to beware of men in such a rush…

      Eight years later I make the same mistake. This one resembles the one mentioned here. He told me he loved me within a week, thanked god he had met me, and bought me more roses than you would think possible. However, as someone else mentioned, he was codependent with dominance issues. He tried to gently train me to be submissive. Weird men will try to trap you into commitment, will control and manipulate you on the strenght of your love.

      I finished with him, I miss his love? the attention, even though he became derisory of me, giving me gifts he thought worthless. Every little luxury he gave me seemed more demeaning than the last. It transpired he was still with his girlfriend of 8 yeaers who is 24 years his junior. She was busy with her career for two months hence his rush! Goodness knows what odd things those two combine. I figure she is possibly the female equivalant of a cuckhold.

      It felt like I was more a kamikaze pilot, having survived the first mission.

      Take your time, you are growing a pearl not sqeezing a lemon.

      We all want to be loved, players know this…

      Love
      L

      Love
      L

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  1. A Reply To Cadence on Sex, Commitment and Spinning Plates | The Badger Hut - January 17th, 2012

    [...] all other women he may be dating when he goes on the first date with her. My experience is that women are put off by men who want to commit so early anyway. I hope she will join this thread and fill in some details on what it is she finds [...]

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