How Can He Tell If She Likes Sex?

Hey Moxie,

I do notice [since you reviewed my profile] my response rate to messages has improved some and for the
first time an attractive girl has messaged me without me messaging her
first since the changes [you suggested I make to my profile.]

So okcupid does have two good questions regarding sex in how often
they’d want to in a relationship and how many dates it would take.
However, as you mentioned before many women don’t answer them honestly
and a fair amount not at all.  I recently went on a date with a very
outgoing lady from okcupid that after a 3 hour date wanted to meet
again but told me she didn’t kiss on a first date. I don’t need to
have sex with a women on a first or even second date but I don’t want
to get in what okcupid labels the “6+ dates”. My question for you is
how how to find out a women’s attitude on sex without going on
multiple dates and finding out they have little sex drive without
blatantly asking and coming off as a typical guy they meet.

Thanks,

V.

There’s really no sure fire way to tell if a woman has a compatible sex drive until you date her and begin a physical relationship. In most cases, you’re going to have to go on 3+ dates before the woman takes things to a physical level. So if you aren’t able to make it to date 3 without sex, you’re going to have a problem. Many women are going to wait until date 3 before they let things get physical. That’s just how it is. If they’re going past date 3 and not engaging in some sort of physicality other than a brief good night kiss, I’d say she either isn’t very sexual, isn’t interested or has an agenda. She doesn’t have to sleep with you by date 3. But she’s gotta be showing you that she’s interested in going in that direction. Let her take her time, but you should be out there meeting other women as well.

A woman can be very sexual and like sex and still use sex as a means to an end. A woman can also be a very compatible partner despite her resistance to physicality that happens “too soon” by her standards. A woman can also have sex with you on the first or second date and become your girlfriend. Or she could sleep with you by date 3 and then become clingy and possessive. The only way you’re going to know which is which is to go on more than one date with them.

Are their signs you can look for on the first date that will give you clues? I think so:

1. She’s comfortable with physicality - She touches your arm or hand. She doesn’t flinch or pull back when you touch her.

2. She doesn’t get uptight or defensive if you bring up sex in a mature or off handed manner - As women, we’re conditioned to bristle when a man talks about sex. We’re supposed to be uncomfortable with it lest he think we’re “easy.” Many women don’t discuss their comfort or interest in sex in their profile or in early conversations because she’s afraid the man will judge her for it or that she’ll attract the wrong type of man. Even a brief mention of the word “sex” in a dating profile will get her ad pulled up by every guy looking for a random hook up. That mention will also encourage the socially awkward men and men with no real dating experience to say inappropriate things to her via email or face to face.Women frequently express disdain for men who broach the sex topic on a first date. What they need to understand is that men, like women, have their own litmus tests. Just like we judge a man by whether or not he pays the check, men evaluate a woman based on how she reacts and responds to sexual conversations. Just note: any kind of detailed or involved sex talk shouldn’t occur prior to meeting.  I’m telling you, nine times out of ten, it’s nothing but talk. The skill never translates into the real life experience.

3. She doesn’t make a production out of why she doesn’t do something on a first date. – I tend to look at someone who doesn’t kiss on a first date and who comes out and says as much the same way I look at men or women who come out and say they don’t have sex on the first date. It seems unnecessary. You can go in for  a hug or a peck on the cheek without getting in to the whole, “Oh Em Gee, I don’t do that” thing.  Saying something like that when someone is going in for a kiss just makes things awkward and uncomfortable and makes that person look socially clueless.  That person is setting themselves apart from everyone else and trying to pose themselves as a challenge. If you don’t kiss on a first date or have sex on a first date, don’t do it and don’t put yourself in a position where you feel compelled to explain why.  Just don’t do it. The minute you offer some explanation, you are perceived as too much work.

Side note:

This question reminds me of a recent post on Badger’ site. ( This post was inspired by another blogger, Assanova.)

So why exactly did I sleep with this girl so fast, and why didn’t either of these guys get as much as a kiss out of her in the months that they were trying to get with her?

It was because they were unwilling to fail. As a guy aspiring to attract women, you have to understand that women want you to fail.

Why does he say she wants this?

Because once she rejects him, his true character will be revealed. When a woman rejects a guy’s openly sexual advances, it’s going to reveal one of four things about him:

A) He is going to keep pushing her for what he wants, which will reveal him as needy and desperate. Very unattractive.

B) He is going to cave in, be absolutely devastated, and reveal that his confidence was fake. Very unattractive.

C) He is going to get very upset, and reveal that he constantly fails, shown by his frustration. Very unattractive.

Or

D) He is going to stay calm, relax, and act as if the rejection never happened.

When a woman sees that last reaction from a man after she rejects his sexual advances, assuming that she was initially attracted to him in the first place, if she doesn’t immediately give him what he wants, it will at least cause her to take a closer look at him, under the premise that he just might indeed be the real deal alpha male that she’s been waiting for.

Thoughts?

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7 Responses to “How Can He Tell If She Likes Sex?”

  1. Saj Says:

    I think the proper question is not if she likes sex but is she the kind to have sex early enough for your liking. What her drive is in general is irrelevant and the two IMO are not related.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 21 Thumb down 11

    • anonymous Says:

      +1, Saj. I’ve known women with high sex drives that have waited as well….

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 2

  2. Badger Says:

    Ha, I was mentally drafting my reply before I got to the part where you quoted me. Thanks!

    It’s easy to get clues as to whether a woman is sexually comfortable with you. Rub the lower part of her thigh. Wave her through a doorway and put your hand on the small of her back. Lightly slap her on the arm or leg when you’re busting her balls about something. “Oh give me a break, dear!” Stroke her hair gently, once, as if you’re putting it back in place. Challenge her to a staring contest, at six inches range. Offer a taste of your drink. It’s like playing poker, they deal the first cards, and if the hand is still good you stay in and draw more cards onto the table.

    A while back I was on a first date where I kissed the girl as we were waiting for the valet to bring her car around (went to an upscale bar where self-parking was not an option). She was surprised reacted with “…I don’t normally kiss on a first date.” I’m pretty sure this was some kind of “I’m not that easy” bravado. So I told her “I don’t either.”

    “Unless I like the girl.”

    She immediately perked up with excitement. Shit test, passed. I got the smiley face “tonight was fun! ;)” text a few hours later.

    Recently I was on another first date where a woman refused to kiss me in the bar booth even though there were no other patrons in sight. I backed off and told her “we’re finished here,” and led her out to the street. I walked her down the block, then kissed her. She returned the favor. The next date I kissed her in the bar in full view. She said “people are watching!” I said “they’re jealous.”

    “I tend to look at someone who doesn’t kiss on a first date and who comes out and says as much the same way I look at men or women who come out and say they don’t have sex on the first date. It seems unnecessary.”

    I think there’s a lot to the idea that we’re trying to talk ourselves into things with our words. It’s old-school player canon that a woman who says “I’m not sleeping with you tonight” or “we shouldn’t have sex” is trying to convince herself as much as you that she shouldn’t do it.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 11 Thumb down 3

    • Howard Says:

      I didn’t get the age of the guy in question. I find younger women have different attitudes about sex from the over 40 woman. I am shocked at times, at how much is revealed. Guess it’s the social media thing.

      Instead of testing women, maybe you want to focus more on how you project your self. Badger in the post above touches in on that. It’s more about not falling for the shit testing and taking things in a better direction. And really there is an order to things. Casual touching maybe shoulder or back, Hand holding, hug or arm over shoulder, kiss tease, light romantic kiss where you end the kiss. Avoid the tongue on first kiss, lips and energy. Kiss tease is where you get in close like you’re going to kiss and instead maybe whisper in her ear, maybe brush cheeks while doing so. Getting from kissing to sex is more about slight progressions in that direction.

      The problem is imagining you could just kiss without setting the stage. Similarly with sex, it’s really up to you to escalate up to that smoothly. If you get this stuff right, you won’t be worried about testing women and when sex is going to happen or if she likes sex. Most women who say they don’t like sex to some guy is really about them not wanting to have sex with that guy.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 0

      • Crotch Rocket Says:

        “If you get this stuff right, you won’t be worried about .. [if or] when sex is going to happen” Exactly, and ditto for kissing or anything in between. There’s a reason for the various steps of seduction; if you’re paying attention to her reaction rather than focused on your own goals, you’re going to know her reaction even before you make the next move–and sometimes the correct move is to leave her wanting more next time.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0

  3. Crotch Rocket Says:

    “My question for you is how how to find out a women’s attitude on sex without going on multiple dates and finding out they have little sex drive” Sorry, but AFAICT there’s really is no reliable way to tell. Also, even if a woman does have a high sex drive today, it may (er, probably) will fade in a few years anyway, so the question borders on pointless–at least if you’re looking for a LTR. If you’re not, consider mail-order brides, i.e. women willing to trade five years of sex for US citizenship.

    “she didn’t kiss on a first date.” That’s an excuse women use to convince themselves not to get too physical “too soon”, and you need to up your game. Though, I’m leery of any woman who has to set up rigid rules like that for herself rather than trust her instincts and go with the flow. (Ladies: this screams insecurity and makes you a target for players, who know exactly how to exploit your silly rules for their own benefit.)

    “I don’t want to get in what okcupid labels the ‘6+ dates’.” So don’t; draw a line in the sand and don’t cross it. If what you really mean is that you don’t want to go on even the first two dates if you’re not going to get laid on the third, well, you’re outta luck. There is no such test because a big part of whether she will want to sleep with you depends more on you (i.e. how you look, dress, act, speak, smell, etc. on those dates) than on her.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 8 Thumb down 3

  4. The ManBible (@themanbible) Says:

    Contrary to the idea women withhold sex drive information, a skilled and experienced man can tell a woman’s general disposition to sexual encounters fairly quickly. The way a woman makes eye contact, her display of features of beauty (such as, breasts, ass and legs), the way she talks, her aggressiveness and how much discord and social rebellion assist in quickly reading a woman’s level of enthusiasm for sexual relations.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 4

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