Guest Post – How To Win Over The On And Off Elusive Man

January 24th, 2012

Guest Post

Name: Jimmy Jacob
Story: How To Win Over The On And Off Elusive Man

If you’re reading this article right now, then you most likely have had your heart broken by an elusive man who has toyed with your affections.  From the first date you knew this man was an enigma that you would never be able to figure out and although you saw red flags right from the start, you ignored his border-line superiority complex, his apparent commitment issues and his inability to factor you into his high priority list after the first kiss (or orgasm) clouded your judgment.

You want to know why I know this?  I was this guy and I’m not afraid to admit it.  I carelessly popped in and out of a woman’s life that I cared about all because I couldn’t get over my past, my ego and the fact that I wasn’t ready to settle down yet.

After five years of breaking her heart, I finally came to the realization that she was the one I am supposed to be with and maybe if we had avoided certain fights and pitfalls, then I probably would have realized that fact years ago.

If you’re looking to win over your pseudo quasi soul mate, then there are certain things you must do and must avoid doing in order to make this clueless guy see the error in his ways.

Rule #1:  Stop Comparing Him To Mr. Big!!!

I think a huge reason why women are attracted to elusive men is because they are addicted to the character of Mr. Big in Sex And The City and I’ll tell you right now, no man wants to be compared to any character from that show and doing so is a huge turn-off because if you have to relate your life to a television show, then you’re living too much in your head.

If you compare your man to Mr. Big, then you are comparing yourself to Carrie Bradshaw, who is in fact a chronically unsatisfied drama queen. (Yeah, I said it!)  The more Mr. Big made Carrie miserable with his inability to commit, the more she was ultimately convinced he was “The One.”

Trust me, I have met many women who tried to emulate the show and they even hooked up with “Aidans” just to feel like they can relate to the show.  This is all cute and dandy in your early twenties, but when you get older, you’ll find the more you compare to the show, the less likely your life will be like it.

So if your man’s name is Bob, refer to him as so.

Rule # 2: Take Him Off Your Social Networks Before He Can Get A Chance To

I know it’s especially difficult for certain women to take their exes off their Facebook and Twitter feeds, however it really is imperative to do this ASAP in order to save your mental health.   If you don’t, there will be something you don’t want to see. Whether it be tagged photos from a bar or a wall post from another woman, you will eventually snap.  Hell, years ago the girl I’m now committed to (who I just broke up with at the time) called me sobbing because I took her off my Top Friends list on My Space.  (This is going WAY back.)  This eventually led to me not only deleting her from my social media accounts but I also blocked her as well.  Social networks and exes do not mix, so in order to keep your future dignity intact, delete him (but don’t block him) from your accounts before he does.

Rule # 3:  Give Him Space!!

I know your heart is aching and even though it may sound tempting to send him a text saying, “I miss you” or to send him a long email telling him how you feel about him, you must refrain from doing these things.  Chances are if he broke things off because of his commitment issues then he needs his space.  By continuously sending him texts and emails about how you belong together, you not only ruin any chances of him responding, you also come off emotionally unstable. Also, because you don’t respect his wishes of being left alone, he will most likely avoid you for months to come—despite the fact that he cares for you.  Take him off your contact list on your phone.  You most likely have his number memorized but not seeing his name in your contact list will probably deter you from drunk texting him one night.  Also install Gmail Beer Googles on your gmail account to stop you from sending lengthy emails to your ex.  Trust me, you’ll thank me for this later.

Rule # 4:  Focus on Yourself!!

You know what elusive men like the most in women?  They like women who are independent and are goal-driven.  The number one turn-off for a man of this caliber is co-dependency and seeing a woman who is driven to succeed on her own terms is hella sexy.  Also, focusing on yourself is exactly what you should be doing anyway.  You have to pretend this guy is not in your every waking (and dreaming) thought.  Focus on your personal and career goals.  Keep yourself occupied and by doing so, not only will you avoid breaking rules 1 to 5, you will also be bettering yourself.

Rule # 5:  Start Dating!

If you have followed the rules above and if this guy is truly into you, trust me, he will be keeping tabs on you without you knowing it. Without having you placate to his male ego, you will in fact be on his mind more than you know.   He will be searching through your Twitter feed and he will tempted to even email you.  This is when you release your coup de grace move: Get back in the dating world!   By this point, you are ready to date and if you’re smart you will take things slow this time round.  Don’t commit yourself so soon because us emotionally challenged on and off exes can sense when you are in a relationship or when you are dating.

Rule # 6:  Give Him a Taste of His Own Medicine

By this point, your elusive man will probably make an appearance. Although seeing his name in your inbox may make you leap for joy, you can not let him see that.  When he calls you late at night, do not answer the phone.  You can do a lot more with silence than you can ever do by talking.  After he has sent you a number of texts, emails and voicemails, respond back with a short response.  Do not reveal any details of what is going on in your personal life.  If he has been keeping tabs on you, he will know.  By doing this, you will convince him that you have moved on.  His superiority complex won’t allow this and by this point, (if he truly loves you) he will be forced to make the grand gesture you’ve been waiting for.

Now if these steps do not work, then you must come to the conclusion that he is not the one for you.  However, if you have followed these rules then you can still move on because you did everything you could to make it work and better yet, you worked on yourself.  If he doesn’t see how great you are, then screw him. (Figuratively speaking of course.)

Don’t be afraid to call a spade a spade and don’t delude yourself into believing your relationship was as strong as your orgasms either.  However, if you’re able to restrain your emotional impulses then maybe you will be able to get your emotionally challenged man child to grow up into the mature man he should be.

If it worked for me, it can work for any man.
City: Toronto, Ontario
Age: 28

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21 Responses to “Guest Post – How To Win Over The On And Off Elusive Man”

  1. dimplz Says:

    While I think these tactics could work, there are some people who just like attention, so they will play the game along with you. There are only so many times a person can put up with the scenario before they decide the elusive man simply isn’t worth it and will go for the available man.

    • KitKatCuty84 Says:

      Totally. 100% of my exes have tried to get me back after we’ve ended it (even those that weren’t emotionally unavailable). I guess I inadvertently followed these steps by actually moving on and they decided they should try to get me. The big difference? I wasn’t just PRETENDING. When I said I was moving on, I MEANT it, and there is NO REASON to try again with someone who would do the things to you an emotionally unavailable man does.

  2. Jimmy Jacob Says:

    Hey Dimplz,

    Thanks for the response! Of course, this is not a 100 percent guarantee that this will work, but I am confident that if these steps are done accordingly, you won’t have to worry about repeating the heart-breaking cycle. These steps are both good if you want to get back with him or if you realized he’s not worth the trouble.

    Although these guys are jerk offs (yes, I admit I was one myself) it really takes two to create unneeded drama. If you knock on the devil’s door, he will answer. However, if you refuse to, maybe a saint will open it in time. :)

    • mandy Says:

      This article doesn’t make sense to me. He keeps tabs on you even if you don’t know it, he will know if you’ve moved on or if you’re dating others. How would he know this or see this if he is deleted from all your social media and phone? That makes no sense.

  3. KitKatCuty84 Says:

    The way I deal with an elusive man is so simple:


    Sure, you don’t get the special medal for winning over a hard-to-get man, but you save yourself the aggravation of a man who will toy with your emotions when there are so many other men who might actually be INTERESTED in you and SHOW IT. Sure, we all play mind games, but no reason to PURPOSELY go after someone who’s playing at GENIUS level. Life is too short and Mr. Big is wack.

    • Jimmy Jacob Says:

      Hey Kat! (Thanks for reading btw)

      Anyone who plays games like that, is not playing at GENIUS level. :P If you want them out of your life, following these steps can help too.

  4. Mandy Says:

    Sex and the City gets too much blame. They didn’t create the Mr. Big and Aidan personalities and dating dynamics. The characters and story lines were written because they already resonated with women–that’s what made the show so popular. Women have always sought out a “Mr.Big” and then dated an “Aidan” and ruined it for themselves. Long before the show existed. The show just glamorized the endings and the “urban relationship myths” that things could actually work out without actually fessing up to any of your own shortcomings or making any changes in yourself. However, yes, I totally agree that the show glamorized certain “bad” behaviors and did nothing to aid in women actually achieving successful relationships.

    • Howard Says:

      I consider the Mr Big issue the number one cause of female disatifaction when it comes to dating. I don’t know which one is worse, them dating Mr Big or waiting to date Mr Big.

      Really there is nothing wrong with dating Mr Big or wanting to date Mr Big, if you treat it like gambling at Vegas. The problem is that most women don’t treat it that way. There is always angst and villanizing after the fact, or worse yet, the loss of opportunities with guys they imagine to be lesser prospects, and who often turn out to be much more than what they quickly judged.

      Re. the OP post, I guess you can play a mean game of hardball as he suggested and do things to improve your sense of yourself. But really, you are often better walking away.

      • Jimmy Jacob Says:

        “I consider the Mr Big issue the number one cause of female disatifaction when it comes to dating. I don’t know which one is worse, them dating Mr Big or waiting to date Mr Big. ”

        Genius, Howard. Simply Genius. :)

    • Jimmy Jacob Says:

      @ Mandy,

      I understand that these the problems in SATC were relatable before the show…hence why it was so popular in the first place. However, I have met a lot of girls who actually start emulating the characters.

      If you want, read this post I wrote:

      I am not the first guy to have gone through this and I’m certainly not going to be the last.

      Thanks for reading though! :)

  5. joe-f Says:

    These tactics might work for a while but can you imagine a long-term marriage based on these tactics? So my girlfriend is suppose to not answer my calls to get me to commit? I might have worked harder when I was 25 but at 34, I would drop girls using these tactics faster than hot pieces of coal.

    I married a woman who was honest with me.

    • Jimmy Jacob Says:

      The thing is, you don’t sound like a guy who dicked around a girl. Good for you! However there are jerk offs that simply need to be reminded how immature they’re acting. Hence why I wrote the article. I was one of these guys for a long time.

      • Angeline Says:

        “Jerk offs like this simply need to be reminded” … no. They need to be cut out like a tumor, and erased from your life. Especially if they blithely confess to the behavior as if that mitigates it. No one should be in the position of “teaching” a grown person, male or female, how to behave.

        Move on, try to be honest with yourself about why this had any appeal whatsoever (if I can nab this elusive gazelle, I must be the most awesomely hott hunter ever! – or – if I have to work this hard to maintain this person’s interest, they must really be a prize!). Get healthy. Either Jerk Off figures it out, or he/she doesn’t. *It’s not your concern.* All of us have quite enough on our own plates to work on to ever entertain the notion that we need to “fix” someone else. The ego on both sides of this equation is appalling. (Look for my text)

        The behavior on either side of this equation is not amusing, it is not attractive. It’s tiresome.

        The good news for the OP is that, at 28, he might grow out of it.

  6. Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

    Hell, years ago the girl I’m now committed to (who I just broke up with at the time) called me sobbing because I took her off my Top Friends list on My Space. (This is going WAY back.) This eventually led to me not only deleting her from my social media accounts but I also blocked her as well.

    I love how you admit this so nonchalantly, as though it doesn’t indicate that both you and your girlfriend are raging attention whores. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy a good dramalicious relationship myself now and again. But you should probably be aware that this connection you two have seems to thrive off of drama. (I’ve read your blog so I’m not just basing this comment on this one post.) I’m sure it makes the sex intense and all that good stuff. But the rest of it just isn’t healthy. Blocking and unblocking and blogging and all that? Yeesh. You two seem to both feed off of each other’s need for attention.

    That’s what any relationship like this is about. It’s an exhausting chess match. It can be amusing and a fun little hobby. But it’s not ever going to be a stable or healthy relationship.

    • dimplz Says:

      I agree with Moxie. While it’s tempting to block someone or ignore their calls, it just exacerbates a sometimes innocuous situation. Even if you’re the type to need “space” after a discussion, you have to take that time sparingly. You can’t just take off whenever you feel like it and think the person is going to stick around like a puppy. Those little tantrums get old after a while. A healthy relationship requires two adults, not in age, but in attitude.

    • Jimmy Jacob Says:

      I admit, My girlfriend and I created unneeded drama for ourselves…however I take most of the blame. If I had just admitted how I felt from the get go, instead of messing with her head, then she probably wouldn’t have been attracted to the drama in the first place.

      However, we are together now and the only drama in our lives is our favorite Television shows. :)

      • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

        If I had just admitted how I felt from the get go, instead of messing with her head, then she probably wouldn’t have been attracted to the drama in the first place.

        No, that’s not really how it works. She was drawn to you *because* you screwed with her head. She liked the drama. You liked the drama. That’s why you are drawn to each other. You will find ways to keep the relationship “dramatic.” You even call her a drama queen on your blog. As I’ve said to the female dating bloggers, anybody who enjoys being discussed on a blog is an attention whore. The blog is part of the attraction, and that ain’t good. I’m not saying it can’t work. I’m just saying that, with this piece, you’re basically advising women how to drive themselves insane by pursuing a male drama queen.

        However, we are together now and the only drama in our lives is our favorite Television shows.

        Or when your girlfriend hears a noise and wakes you up and you grab a bat and head to the kitchen and pour lube on the floor to trap the intruder and it turns out that the “intruder” is a cat eating a bag of potato chips. That’s from a recent post. That’s unnecessary drama.

        The fact that you blog at all about your personal life means you like drama and attention. You just managed to find someone who likes those things, too. Yay!

        • Jimmy Jacob Says:

          It wasn’t a cat…it was rat. Get your facts straight. ;)

          I just like writing what I know and a number of bloggers like doing that as well. My life has been drama-filled but if something entertaining can come out of it, then I will risk being called an attention whore. ;)

          • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

            I just like writing what I know and a number of bloggers like doing that as well.

            Yes, and they are all perpetually single or in some form of a co-dependent relationship. They’re taking their love of attention and drama public. Don’t underestimate the impact that will have on your future relationships and who you attract.

  7. Saj Says:

    This post makes me sad. It’s well written and I’m sure true for the author but it makes me remember when I was in a relationship where I couldn’t be emotionally open.

    I was with someone who was emotionally distant and preoccupied with other things for a very long time. I would have to hold back on those emails expressing my feelings and emotions because I knew he would just pull away. You had to put pad locks on your heart and harden yourself up to avoid getting hurt by showing him your vulnerable side.

    When me and my husband were still in the long distance stage I remember after spending the night playing a game together and having a good time logging off and feeling such warmth in my heart for this person. I thought to hell with the emotional restrictions and sent him an email telling him how much I appreciated him and how much I was starting to care for him. He responded back right away saying how happy that email made him and expressed his own similar feelings of happiness. I knew then that I had found someone who was an emotional safe space. Someone who when I was feeling awful and down would listen and care instead of running away. No games and no maneuvering to push his interest in which every way I choose.

    The OP isn’t a safe place. He caused someone who he loves pain for 5 years because the game was more important to him as well as appearances. Don’t win these guys over because when you need your rock it will crumble.

  8. Rachel Says:

    So funny! Just a week or so ago, there was a post where the woman was blasted for saying she was independent. Moxie and others said: what a man wants is a woman who’s feminine and shows that she *needs* her man! Now, it’s: be independent, show him you *don’t* need him and he’ll want you. Ridiculous contradiction.

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