Comment: My boyfriend of almost a year broke up with me last week. We went home to my Mom’s for Christmas and he spent the holidays with me and my family. Why would he spend the holidays with me and then break up with me a couple weeks later? Did the trip home freak him out?
I don’t really have much info to go on here. What I do know is that no break up happens out of the blue. People don’t wake up one morning and decide to end their relationship. These things usually involve a decent amount of thought.
My guess is that he was contemplating the break up for some time. He agreed to go home with you for the holidays maybe under duress. Or maybe because he was hoping things would improve. Or maybe just to maintain a sense of normalcy in the relationship.
While it might seem cruel that he went home with you when he was already considering ending the relationship, he may have been looking out for you. It’s possible he didn’t want to put you in a situation where you’d be embarrassed or have to answer a lot of questions. Let’s face it, the holidays are a lousy time to break up with someone. It compounds the the hurt and feelings of loss, as everybody around you seems to be in love and happy. So I’d give him a little break on his timing.
However, like I said before, breaks ups rarely happen out of no where. Usually the person doing the breaking up realizes over time that the relationship has no long term potential. Or they recognize a possible issue or deal breaker that wasn’t present in the early stages of the relationship. You sort of hope against hope that the problem will resolve itself or that it’s not as big of a deal as you think. With time, though, you realize that the problem is one that you can’t work through. You’re really just buying time with that person, knowing that things will inevitably end. It’s especially hard to walk away from someone that you know – without this one glaring flaw – is a really good person whom you love and care for. This is a good argument for waiting to commit, by the way.
There are others who get in to relationships knowing they have an expiration date. They ride the relationship out until they can no longer justify allowing their partner to believe that the relationship has serious long term potential. These are the selfish people. They’re thoughtless. They enter in to a union quickly and effortlessly knowing that there is an escape hatch should things become difficult.
I’m not so sure that the trip home was the impetus to the break up. It could be that he went home and saw that your family had a certain level of expectation on the relationship. Or maybe he was unsettled by your family dynamics. I’d think if either were the case and his thoughts about breaking up with you started there, the break up would have occurred at a later date. Not two weeks later.
Also possible is that your guy was waiting for an ideal window of opportunity. Say, when he knew he’d be out of town and therefore not around to deal with the actual fall out. He waited to end the relationship at a point where he could distance himself from it. And you.That’s what selfish people do. To the end, it’s about them.
You don’t mention his reasons for breaking up. To be honest, they’re pretty irrelevant and probably not totally accurate. If he said that he wasn’t ready for a serious relationship, then I’d say that’s a pretty good indicator that he always knew the relationship was temporary and was waiting for the opportune time to end things so that he’d suffer the least collateral damage. A year is a long time. Somebody truly not looking for a relationship probably isn’t going home with you for the holidays. But somebody selfish who is going along for the ride until he can no longer ignore the truth – that you’re getting quite attached to him – might. There are too many missing details here so I can’t say for sure what his motives were.
Men have a pretty unique ability in that they can endure a relationship as long as it’s not totally miserable. They wish to avoid drama. They will go along to get along hoping that the kinks will work themselves out or she leaves first. (Or they find work arounds to help them though, like cheating.) That’s why so often women are blindsided by a sudden split. Sure there will little things here or there that raised some flags. But we sweep them away hoping they were isolated incidents.
This break up did not happen out of the blue. It was percolating in his brain for some time. Whatever the catalyst was, it doesn’t matter, as he ended it. He obviously realized that the relationship could not be salvaged. Or he just decided now was time to lift the hatch and escape. The decision is done. Trying to analyze will only keep you stuck. So mourn the loss and then begin the process of moving on.