In my 20s, I was about 70% sure that I didn’t want kids. Of course, being young and without much life experience…I lived with a bit of a conflict about the wisdom of having kids to begin with. The conflict, though, was more from the wisdom of being married….Legitimately, I held off on the subject because I was too busy with school, with finding myself, and then with establishing myself so that I could get on a good path in life. That proved to be more difficult than I had originally anticipated (“Great Expectations,” as an older gentleman I know calls them), so I in no way, shape, or form wanted to be burdened with having a kid at that young age, and then being shackled to a life of penury in the form of menial jobs and child support. I had seen enough glimpses of guys my own age at the time struggling, especially in a small city that was slowly dying because its industry was dying. Ditto for being married and being in a relationship — though I now see the folly of staying too much away and not considering doing more to just be in casual sexual relationship.
One of the main reasons keeping me from entering into such relationships was that I never fully believed the younger women when they said that they never wanted kids. These were the high-achieving types, mind you, doing well in college and setting themselves up for professional careers. They were in their early to late 20s. Part of me thought that, once they got closer to 30 or 35, the ticking clock would turn into a klaxon horn and then they’d be in the baby-rabies state. To this day, I’m still not sure about how best to broach the subject should it ever come up. Since moving here to DC, the longest I’ve dated a woman so far has been three months, and the subject of kids came up with just the one woman — who stated that she “wasn’t sure” if she wanted kids or not. She was 35. The other one, 38, never brought up the subject. Never have I brought up the subject with any of the woman I’ve been dating or sleeping with. I just keep mum and, on my online profiles, just leave the answer blank. I’m not sure if that has translated into fewer hits, but it wouldn’t surprise me if it did. A friend of mine believes that I should bring up the subject immediately in order to screen out potential dating prospects. I can see his wisdom, but as I’m not sure if those women are looking to have kids in the near future, especially the younger ones under 30, I don’t feel comfortable bringing it up. This is along the lines of not volunteering too much information about yourself for fear of being disqualified too quickly. It would be one thing if I successfully passed the tests and got her into bed, where she then is invested, and then I’d let her down easily if she brings up the subject. It’s another thing where one feels that he doesn’t have too many options and doesn’t want them to disappear too quickly. So, I work with my original strategy and say nothing.
Comments? – Phil, 40
Private Man’s delightful response:
Given that you are 40, don’t bring it up with women over 30. Career gals in their 30s and 40s without kids are so delusional about their own fertility that it’s laughable. They assume that getting pregnant over 30 is easy. Just always practice birth control and keep an eye on that condom once used. Until you actually get snipped, a woman will assume that she can change your mind about kids, no matter what you say in words. Even post-vasectomy, there are plenty of stories about a guy trying to have it reversed to appeal to his woman’s extreme baby rabies. Those guys are schmucks.
At my age, I’m not really chasing women who want kids. However, I occasionally run into an online dating profile of a late 30s to mid 40s dame who still wants kids. I don’t know if she wants her own or to become a step-mom. Regardless, I never send a message to those women. All in all, just don’t bring up the topic of kids. As you heading into your 40s, the women will likely assume you don’t want kids unless they think they can change your mind. It helps being in a major metro area like DC where career comes first, regardless of gender. The most dangerous dames will the ones in their late 20s. As for me, single moms with kids in the house are for the harem, nothing more.
They assume that getting pregnant over 30 is easy.
Well, it’s not as difficult as you seem to think. Actually, depending on the woman and her medical/family history, it’s probably not even difficult at all. I do so love when men pontificate about the female reproductive system as though they actually know how it all works. Do I think it’s wise to have children beyond a certain age? No. But there is so much more involved than her eggs and your sperm. Depending on family history, a woman can conceive and give birth to a very healthy child well in to her late thirties. Yes, they can even do so into their early forties. I just don’t advocate that based on my personal experience.
I don’t think Phil or anybody should go out of their way to state in their profile that they don’t want children. That’s a conversation to have when the two people are actually considering a relationship. And before anybody starts with the “Why waste their/my time?” complaint, let me add this. Look, y’all need to get over the whole “waste of my time” issue. You really do.”Ugh…the whole texting back and forth to set up a date thing is such a waste of time!” No, it’s really not. It’s actually a total of about 10 minutes. If you’re choosing to wait by your phone and putting off doing other things, then you are the one wasting your time.
Same goes for dating someone and waiting to reveal that you don’t want kids. What are we talking…3-5 dates? Nobody says you have to stop dating anybody else. Figure out if you even want a relationship with that person before unloading all that stuff. Should it come up naturally, then by all means go with the moment. But you don’t need to announce it.
To this day, I’m still not sure about how best to broach the subject should it ever come up.
If you can fit it in to the conversation in a way that doesn’t sound accusatory, then feel free. But make a point to address this issue too soon and you’ll look incredibly foolish. You don’t even know how she feels about you, let alone kids. Relax. If she brings it up, you just be honest. Simple. Yes, you might lose out on a few weeks or months of sex and companionship if you say you’re not sure or no. But which is worse….masturbating for a couple weeks while you date more women, or getting stuck in a situation where you’ll end up feeling trapped and living a lie for a few months?
I wonder how you broach the topic of marriage and how that isn’t on your To Do list, either. When does that come up? I’d think that would be the opportune time to address the fact that you don’t want kids.
You seem to want to have your cake and eat it, too. You’re 40 and you want to date women in their late twenties and early to mid thirties, but they must not want kids or not pressure you about it. Well, then date women in their forties. Or only date women who state in their profile that they don’t want kids. But then she’s considered unfeminine or “too career focused.” You also want the sex but you want to avoid any possibly uncomfortable conversations. Sorry, sweetheart. You need to accept the reality of where you’re at in your life.
You want it to be easy. That’s just not a realistic expectation for someone with your specific requirements and age. Something is going to have to give.