While looking over profiles a few weeks ago, I came across one that really stood out. Just not in a good way. The guy’s 
profile wasn’t just labored. It was awkward. There were stories and references in his ad that just made no sense or seemed out of place. He was trying way too hard to sound breezy and fun and ended up coming across just the opposite. I debated whether or not to contact him and offer my advice, but decided against it. No doubt this guy believed his profile was great. The best. I didn’t see the point in rattling any cages.
He, along with many, many other singles, suffer from The Emperor’s New Clothes Syndrome. There are these glaring things about their personality or looks or social skills that is obvious to those around them. But nobody says anything because they fear the person is either too fragile, to volatile or too delusional to hear what is being said and believe it. Or they just don’t care enough about the person to say anything. So these people go through life naked not only expecting but wanting people to compliment them on their attire. And many do, either out of pity or indifference. These people tend to surround themselves with others like them. That way they’re more likely to hear what they want to hear. (Which is why blogging about dates is so popular.)
There are certain flaws that are almost always universally ignored, but are undoubtedly why people can’t get past the first date or two. Such as:
1. They’re not as attractive as they think they are – I’ll go even further. They’re not terribly attractive, period. They’re able to get photos taken at certain angles that make them appear more attractive than they are or to minimize certain flaws. But in 3-D they simply aren’t all that good looking.They’ve gone through life being told they were attractive in a “quirky” way and that beauty is skin deep. Yeah, maybe. But not in dating. Beauty is front and center. We’re shallow creatures. Let’s not pretend we aren’t. Also? How young you look or feel is mostly irrelevant. It’s how old you are that carries the most weight. Women who think they look 35 but are actually 40-45 and pursuing the 35-40 year old guys are deluding themselves. Sorry, but unless they have forgone the desire for kids or marriage, they don’t want you. They might date you for awhile, but you will eventually be replaced with a younger version. Could be in 2 months, could be in 2 years. Same goes for you older fellas of 40+ who date the twenty somethings. Those women will not settle down with you. They will date you and let you woo them. But you are mostly an experiment or a way for them to exorcise their Daddy Issues.
2. They have poor social skills- Nothing is more apparent than someone’s lack of social and interpersonal skills. They talk too much, they interrupt, they’re loud, they’re whiny, they complain a lot. These people go through life exhibiting boorish behavior because people are usually too afraid to speak up to them.They hijack conversations, they’re combative, they’re self-involved. All of this kind of navel gazing behavior makes it apparent that that person has little to no extended or consistent interaction with other people. They have not been socialized properly.
3. They’re personality is rancid - They’re self-important, pretentious and/or negative. They have to be right. They’re critical. People can’t wait to get away from them. They tell themselves that people are threatened by them or intimidated by them. No, love. You’re just incredibly unlikeable. People end up wanting you to be alone after being exposed to you for 20 minutes.
4. They’re angry/crazy - Yeesh. There are some comments here that are extremely unsettling. The anger borders on rage. Usually narcissistic rage. People like this have been kicked and battered around so much that they want others to suffer the way they have suffered. Make no mistake. Most people can sense when someone is off kilter mentally or emotionally. Most people just back away slowly from these folks. They offer some silly excuse about not being ready to date. They will never be honest with the person about why things didn’t work. They’re too afraid of them.
5. They’re overweight - I can assure you that a large number of the women who blog about all their bad dates and only have FWB’s and the rare hook up are chubby. They’re okay enough to have sex with, but not date. I speak from experience on this one. People, if you’re constantly getting ditched on first dates, or can only get guys to get together with you once every couple of weeks, you’re probably overweight. You are the low person on the dating totem pole to them. I can not urge women enough to become acutely aware of how their weight affects who they attract online. When you’re overweight, you become a prime target for the pump and dumpers and opportunists. They think you’re desperate and will accept what you can get. I will say this very bluntly…you are weeding yourself out of the dating pool by keeping that weight on. And mind you, I’m not talking an extra twenty pounds. I’m also not referring to women who carry their weight well and own it. Those women do juuust fine. Trust me. I’m talking to the the women who KNOW their weight is an issue and ignore it.
6. They’ve let themselves go or don’t take care of themselves - In any competitive dating market, you can’t afford to slack off on your looks. You just can’t. There is constant upkeep necessary. Nothing says, “I’ve given up” like packing on weight or poor skin and hair. I’ve said this before…the difference between the male dating profiles under 38 or so versus 40 and over is drastic. Lots of chubby, pasty guys. The women look far better, but that’s because we’re bombarded with messages and images about skin care and hair coloring products and gyms. Dear Lords, men. Moisturize. If you do anything, moisturize. And Ladies? Stop with the excuses. In most cases barring medical issues, it’s not your metabolism. It’s your discipline. You can blame work or stress or meds (another common excuse) but more often than not it comes down to good old fashioned effort and desire. Stop lying to yourself and look in the mirror.
7. They’re desperate – Ugh. There is nothing more cringe inducing than someone who tries too hard. The whole time I read that man’s profile I mentioned above, I winced. This guy has no idea how insecure and desperate he sounded. These people always manage to put their foot in their mouths and play their hands. What they reveal is what poor luck they have with the opposite sex. They become too eager and anxious and bombard people with texts and emails. They get defensive. And needy. The send email after email. The last thing you want someone to know is that they are your only option. It turns on the pressure. Plus, we all want someone who we believe is wanted by others.
I think the largest point you make here is about people who take care of themselves. Dress nicely, groom yourself, exude confidence and an easygoing persona. I know that people who are attractive get away with way more bad behavior than the lesser attractive, but that’s just a bitter pill you have to swallow.
If someone doesn’t take care of themselves, it shows to me that they don’t really care about themselves. It’s not enough to do it until you land the other person. It’s an ongoing process, and I believe when you look good, you will feel good. You have to have a better mental attitude in order to attract a good and healthy person. Don’t think you’re going to find them when you’re being bitter, egotistical, whiny, and overbearing. Become the person you want to attract.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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The list is pretty good. Pretty much a necessary call to work on one’s self internally. Couple of things I would add.
1. Life is not fair. Yes some people have a easy time attracting the opposite sex. Men seem to pay for the first date, women naturally have more fat than men. Women get to decide when sex happens. Men get to decide when commitment happens. Men pump and dump. Women string you along. People are shallow
Bitch about it all you want at blogs, but go to that positive mode when you interact. Adjust for all the seeming inequities. This is especially important when writing an online profile. Beaten up and baggage is not attractive.
2. Stop assuming and making quick judgements; it only leads to missed opportunities. This is especially important when reading online profiles or meeting someone.
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Comments:
1. Agreed. Some people aren’t as attractive as they think they are. Everyone has a certain SMV and the tendency is that you attract individuals with a similar SMV. Like it used to be for income level. That being said, however, hypergamous tendencies in women make them pine for something they can’t have. I wouldn’t be surprised if there are some women out there who would pass up a male model if they found out that he doesn’t make nearly as much as they do. Or, someone who’s a multimillionaire, but who dresses frumpy. One can never tell.
Also, nice dig for the 40+ guys and the 20-somethings. In general, there’s a lot of truth to this, but you’re assuming that the 20-something who DO date the older guys are necessarily wrapped up in Daddy issues. I haven’t found this to be the case. For the record, I wouldn’t WANT a girl who has Daddy issues — certainly not for a relationship. Those are what older women are for. Trouble is, as I’ve mentioned before, most older women can’t compete with younger women on looks and pleasant demeanor, their immaturity notwithstanding. Even worse is when the women are still hoping to marry and get pregnant someday.
Lastly, remember that, in the US, big age differences are usually frowned upon. Not so in Eastern Europe and Asia. I have firsthand experience with this.
2. Poor social skills are somewhat endemic. I blame the culture for this, with its negative reinforcement. I was raised “old school,” and then found that that seldom worked to get what I want. So, I then became an asshole and it achieved the opposite as I thought it would. All of this is really no one’s fault, but some are much worse than others.
3. Agreed with being overweight and not taking care of yourself. I’m lucking in not being the former, but it took me some work to improve on the latter. As in: changing wardrobe, taking better care of my skin, and adopting better behaviors.
I don’t think the women necessarily look far better. Yes, losing weight (as much as safely and humanly possible) is very doable and is probably the singlemost thing a woman can do to improve her appearance. Simple: change your diet (read: no processed foods and eat fresh food instead) and exercise, exercise, exercise.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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I’ve dated older men, as much as 20 years older; I actually prefer them. I have no daddy issues, nor am I seeking someone to woo me. For me, older men are more confident in themselves, express themselves better, are more mature, and open-minded.. I don’t need to stroke their ego, limit myself or hide my success as to not intimidate them. They’re more romantic and even better in bed. For me, relationships are just easier, they flow better. But, they’re also temporary. When considering marriage and kids, I’d find someone closer to my age, but still older than me.
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“Dear Lords, men. Moisturize. If you do anything, moisturize. ”
PREACH! And guys … please … groom your eyebrows.
Well-loved. Like or Dislike:
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Hi Moxie,
Great list. I would also like to add men who send graphic pix during the course of an email exchange and we haven’t even so much as talked on the phone yet. Or the “I’ll let you know what I’m looking for once I find it.” sentence in the profile. And yes, the pictures- try looking at some of the guys over 50 +. It is truly like some of the life went out of them and the light is gone, just going through the motions and not expecting much.
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I have to ask because this is something else I hear about on the blogs. Do these guys just send penis pics without being asked? It just seems so weird. I’ve heard about that stuff on Craigslist but not through traditional dating sites. I just feel like there’s always more to the story thn the women are revealing.
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Hi Moxie,
Yes, back in ’05 when I was on a paid site ( should I say the name?) I did recieve oiled chest, thigh, naked buttocks pix from 2 guys, ( not penis though). Yes, just maybe 2 emails in (“Hey how are you and what are your hobbies?” that kind of thing). This was one of the reasons I ran from online dating and just now trying it out again in 2012. Now currently, there was a pix of a guy in bondage who contacted me ( i deleted right away) , but this was his profile pic on a free website ( not catering to SM, just reg. dating).
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I have gotten the penis pic and half naked pic thru text. And these are guys who contacted me thru a popular, respected online dating site. I just delete the text when I see it and cut off contact with the guy. These are obviously guys looking for a one night stand. No Thanks!
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One of the first emails I got on Match during the trial period was a dick photo. I hadn’t even really filled out a profile, just had 1 photo and basic stats. I never got one on POF, which seems backwards. Never tried OKC or Craigslist. My impression was that the latter are more aimed at and filled with younger people.
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Interesting post. Online dating might not be the best platform for those “chubby” people you talk about. And I believe in different cultures it is more or less of an issue.
But thin women also get used. Weight has little to do with that. If a guy is going to have sex with you and leave it doesn’t matter if you are 200 pounds or 120. That’s just the way he operates. You should be careful of these guys regardless.
And if they are searching for women to sleep with – chances are they just aren’t contacting the “chubby” ones – they are using the law of averages and seeing what falls in their laps.
And if you are “vetting” your dates properly – not rushing to get in relationships, you will actually meet a lot less of them.
Weight may be an issue but it’s not the biggest issue. All different people are able to find love. If the weight is a problem for you, I say change, but if you are happy with who you are – work on attracting someone who is happy with you also.
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Agreed. On all of it.
Maybe the bigger (or just bigger than average?) women should stop going after the ‘average’ male. I have a good (plus-sized) friend who uses BBW (big beautiful woman) dating sites, and she does just fine. Actually, surprisingly well. I’m not saying that men who are into bigger women aren’t ‘average,’ but most men are not attracted to BBW’s. And the men aren’t all unattractive either.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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I think under social skills, you should add that those who are overly opinionated usually have a hard time getting a second date. I think people who are also extremely sarcastic have the same issue, and it could be a sign of bitterness. A healthy dose of sarcasm is funny, but if everything turns you into George Carlin, that shit wears a person down.
Well-loved. Like or Dislike:
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On the subject of sarcasm, why is it that many women out there feel the need to put “sarcastic” or “snarky” as their sense of humor? As if men out there find this attractive at all. Mind you, I like a little bit of sarcasm here and there, but from someone I’ve just met, it’s off-putting. From friends, no biggie. Also, growing up, I always associated sarcasm with something negative, as in putting someone down.
Personally, I like intellectual and irreverent humor, leavened with a little bit of self-deprecation.
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I would have never put that in my profile. I guess the women who do are actually proud of the fact that they are “snarky.” I think they think it makes them edgy and interesting. It doesn’t.
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I find it more common from younger women, on the whole. Indeed, they think it makes them edgy and interesting. But, why in the hell would I want someone who’s edgy?
Again, another negatively connoted word.
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Just my $0.02 but some (clearly not all) women want the Government of France. Not a man who works for the French Government, but the entire welfare state of the Republic of France.
Unlimited indulgence, unlimited license and ZERO negative consequences of their actions.
Good luck finding it.
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Some inteesting commentary by Moxie on this one. Some I agree with, some I don’t.
In any event, almost everyone views themselves differently than those around them views them. It may be a little or even a lot about different aspects of who we believe we are vs. how others believe we are or project who we are.
With regards to the specific profile she mentioned, I can’t help but think of an old toy, You put the two ends around the tips of your fingers and the objective was to remove the toy. The harder you try the worse it got. If you relaxed a little you found it just slid off. Some people learn that chestnut early on. Some later. Maybe this guy never quite got that concept down pat.
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I agree with this list. I espeically agree with # 5 and 6, about being overweight. As a guy, I look at girls who are overweight (usually not a lot, an amount that if they put some effort into it, they could lose it) and am just shocked that they dont see this as an issue. To me, as a guy, those extra few pounds are the difference between always being able to find a date and have lots of guys to chose from and finding it difficult to find anyone – let alone anyone good – to go out with . It also says that you dont particularly care about your appearance, as in this is as good as I’ll ever get, its all downhill from here.
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