My friend M. jokingly said recently that he was going to flee Manhattan over V-Day. He’s been casually dating 3 
different women for about 6+ months each and he doesn’t know how he’s going to handle Valentine’s Day, as he has no plans to take out any of them.
On Twitter, there is a barrage of navel gazing tweets that either bemoan valentine’s day or urge single people (who are we kidding? Women) to either boycott V-Day or turn it into the dreaded Girls Night or Night That You Date Yourself.
Then there are the kicky campaigns to do a “dating detox” (because V-Day is soooooo stressful, y’all) or “nominate a date” (because nothing says “I’m really looking for a relationship” than a publicity stunt.)
There were definitely years when the thought of Valentine’s Day gave me a sad. 
I wanted a card and a night of hot sex. But I don’t ever remember feeling resentful of that day or of people who actually had a Valentine. Nor did I ever feel pressure to date someone just so that we could have date 2 or 3 or 10 on Valentine’s Day and I could get flowers or chocolates. I’ve had a couple sweet Valentine’s Days. I’ve had a couple miserable ones. Then I just, I don’t know, saw the day for what it was…a day to celebrate love. Mushy? Sure. But that is what Valentine’s Day is about.
Yet every year at this time, singles seem miserable. Ironic that a holiday designed to make people happy and optimistic and cheerful has made so any people depressed. Look for multiple status updates that involve quoting Adele’s Rolling In The Deep. That will be the song played at every Girls Night across the country. You all know that one girl who will sing it a that Anti-VDay Karaoke party. Don’t lie.
“You had my heart and soooooooooul in your hand. And you played it to the beat!!!!! Woooooo Eff You Kevin! I was the best thing you ever had (no she wasn’t) and you lost it (no he didn’t). Who wants another shot???” Then all her friends do the “wooo!!!!” thing and they tell each other how fabulous they all are. Then they go home and drunk text their respective Kevins and tell him what a piece of shit he is until they finally ask…why didn’t you waaaannnnt meeeee? They wake up in their super hot dress they bought to show off to ..who again?…with their cell phones on their chest.
Of course there will be that one “brave” single gal who decides to write a post where she states she’s not ashamed to say Valentine’s Day makes her sad. Then she’ll reminisce over one of the “boyfriends” that cheated on/lied to/betrayed her and how it was just so complicated and stuff. Then she’ll be really introspective and admit she’s afraid to love but, don’t forget, soooooo glad she’s alone and not in a bad relationship. Then she’ll call Valentine’s Day silly or something else condescending because she’s SASSY!
God help any guy if he’s been dating a woman for a couple weeks and he doesn’t ask her out on Valentine’s Day. The phone lines and Twitter streams are BURNING with rants. It means this. No it means that. He’s not that serious about you. So what happens? A bunch of guys, with Cupid’s arrow pointed at their right temples, ask the woman out even though they’re not even sure that woman is relationship material. And the clouds part and the women rejoice. A date! THEY HAVE A DATE! Sure, he’s doing it under duress but still…A DATE! Then a few weeks later, he dumps her and once again V-Day is brought up. Even when it’s over, it’s never really over.
“Why would he take me out for Valentine’s Day if you weren’t interested in me???
Here’s why. Because taking you out is safer than not taking you out. And? There’s usually sex. Or at least a handjob.
I don’t know. I like Valentine’s Day. It’s cute to watch the kids walk around with their Moms with their hands full of Snoopy Valentines. And I like seeing guys hailing cabs holding a bouquet of flowers. It’s sweet.
Maybe this will put things in to perspective. My Mom died on February 11th. She was buried on Valentine’s Day. (Something I didn’t know until today.) Now, imagine burying your spouse on Valentine’s Day. Then complain. It’s one day, kids. One day.
We have taken all of the enjoyment out of it by making it mean way more than its supposed to mean and not appreciating for what it’s really all about. Valentine’s Day, like dating, is supposed to be fun. Instead we choose to make it about how we need to take bubble baths and pamper ourselves or buy ourselves flowers. Don’t get me wrong. I’m big on “dating yourself.” But it just all feels so self-indulgent now. As if you just HAVE to do SOMETHING. More pressure. And not just on Valentine’s Day, although that is a big stress day for some singles. All the damn time. The craziest thing? We do it to ourselves!
I feel like we make all things dating-related far more difficult or complex than need be. Dating really isn’t that difficult. If you’re reasonably attractive and have your stuff together and you have realistic expectation, getting dates is not hard. In fact it’s pretty effortless when you figure out how the whole damn thing works and stop trying to change it or fix it. Is it easy to find a relationship? It’s certainly more challenging. Then again, relationships are challenging. They’re supposed to be, to some degree. Somebody who seems to effortlessly fall in to relationship after relationship, I can assure you, is faking it somehow. The more you learn and pay attention and get to under stand how things work, it becomes easier.
I truly believe some people like to make dating seem more complex than it is to justify why they’re single. “It’s not that black and white! It’s complicated. There is no right answer!” Yes, there is. Just because you don’t know it or don’t want to accept it as right doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. This is where we make our loves lives harder. By choice. We stay stuck in a perpetual holding pattern and refuse to acknowledge that we are part of the reason we’re there in the first place.
You can making dating a breeze if you really want to. It is absolutely a choice. And it doesn’t involve settling or lowering standards. It involves self-awareness and introspection. Once you figure out a) what you really want b) what you can offer that actually matters and c) how dating works then dating is a snap. It’s the choice to swim against the tide and refusal to learn from past mistakes and acknowledge certain flaws or unrealistic expectations that hold you back.
AMEN! Thank you for a great post – and thank you for sharing about your mom – kinda puts things in perspective. Valentine’s is a sweet idea, yes – but the question is, how can you bring that “lurrve” to the rest of the 364 days of a year? I’ve had good Valentine’s days and and not so good ones; but in reality it’s just another day on the calendar – and I choose to avoid the hype completely. Besides, it’s a Tuesday this year, and I’ll be at work until 8pm – so it’s “meh” for me.
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Occupy Valentines Day.
http://theprivateman.wordpress.com/2012/02/02/occupy-valentines-day/
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Please don’t do that. If you want to write a comment, write a comment. But please don’t blatantly blog squat. At the very least write an atyual comment instead of shamelessly self-promoting yourself on my turf.
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Great column! The Facebook status updates are starting already from people who act like the day was created to make them unhappy. On the flip side, there is always one woman in every office who gets a dozen roses and balloons sent to the office, even if VD is on the weekend.
I think when a person isn’t in a relationship, there is this belief that people who are coupled up walk around in a constant state of joy. But it’s never that way – life isn’t perfect for anyone. How many times have you hear the “perfect” couple who seemed so happy together is divorcing (I’m looking at you Heidi and Seal). You just don’t know what is going on beneath the surface.
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I’ve had about 3-4 Valentines in the 20 years I’ve been dating. This year, I just want to order pizza in and watch a DVD with my boo. I got him a chocolate heart box and I’m calling it a day. I used to always want a date years ago, being the die-hard romantic I am. I had to learn what romance means to me. It’s definitely not the standard, but I’ve found understated to be my dating style. Once I learned that, it was as you said, very effortless.
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Truthfully, I just ignore it has much as I can….
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I’m a 40-year-old woman and I’m kind of indifferent to Valentine’s Day. The guy I’m dating actually pouted a bit when I told him I wasn’t free that night (I have a night class and work the night shift…this is what I mean when I say I can’t swing dates much more than 1-2x a week). I’ll see him Sunday and cook him dinner, get a heart box o’ chocolates and call it a day (I did pay attention when the dudes here went on about how women should cook for a man if they want to impress. Not that I couldn’t figure it out myself, but it gave me an extra push. It’s something I enjoy anyway).
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One of the major perks of being a single mom is that I get to spend Valentines day (evening) with my kids (assuming I have them that day). They are my real Valentines!
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Right on. Single dads feel that too.
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Just like Father’s Day is for Dads (and not for me) and Mother’s Day is for Moms (and not for me), Valentine’s Day is for couples in relationships (and not for single people).
Why do have to make a big deal out of it? As cliche as it sounds, it is really just this overblown Hallmark holiday and we shouldn’t fall victim either way. If I’m single, I’m just indifferent. It’s Tuesday? I’ll be working. It’s all good.
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Who said Valentine’s Day is just for couples? Certainly not Hallmark LOL!
Even at my most single (ie right after my divorce), I’ve enjoyed Valentine’s as a day that celebrates ALL LOVE, Love for your family, pets, friends, even music or art that moves you. And you are encouraged to EAT CHOCOLATE!!! If that won’t put you in good mood, what wil!!! And I do love picking out the candy, the cards, the heart printed stuffies etc, and the cards that kids pass out at school. Enjoy the fun of it, without pitying yourself. Everyone can find love in their life if they look for it and appreciate it:)
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First of all, dating detox? I read that link and thought, “Wow, another bitter woman trying to shit on V-day!” As I mentioned above, I didn’t have many Valentines and I’m ok. No need to get all worked up over the damn thing. Father’s Day and Mother’s Day are also Hallmark holidays and I don’t see people having “I don’t have a baby” showers. Calm down, people. We are all on our own journey.
I also don’t get the “Nominate a Date” thing. We’ve all seen how shows like “The Bachelor” usually don’t work out, so why contrive more scenarios to add to the already existing smoke and mirrors with dating? If someone were really serious about finding a long-term commitment, they wouldn’t turn it into some competition or game. It just seems like more and more people want to try to control their dating life, the more of a mess it becomes. Having people pick your dates, like random people? Ask your friends and family to pick men for you! They know you best!
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It’s The Bachelorette Blogger. Just like with that franchise, people who participate are universally mocked and assumed to be seeking attention and not love. I don’t think she understands (or maybe she does but doesn’t care) how most reasonable men will react to this idea and how it will reflect on her. For starters, she’s done two “dating blitzes” across two continents, done speeddating and online dating for years and nothing has materialized. And that’s info that is readily accessible about her without having to dig through her blog. A reasonable guy will do a smidge of critical thinking and wonder why she hasn’t met anybody. Then there’s the fact that there’s a really good chance that their date will be written about. Contests like this bring out the wackos and guys looking for 15 minutes of blog fame. I keep saying this…ANY guy who allows himself to be written about publicly is either a co-dependent doormat or an attention whore.
Remember Blaire? The woman who posted a website saying she wanted to be engaged by the end of the year? She just got married last year – 7 YEARS after she launched that blog. And I’m pretty sure she met him in London. She had to LEAVE THE COUNTRY to find a guy.
I read her blog today and she wrote the popular “is blogging keeping me single?” post. And of course she ended it with how the “right” guy will support her “writing.” Look. You don’t get paid to write that blog. If she made money off of it (aside from the schilling) that would be one thing. But as is, she’s just some woman keeping an online diary about her Carrie Bradshaw inspired life. Few men will support that.
I realize I bang this drum often, but I know bloggers read this blog and am trying to impress upon them how blogging about your private life, especially your dates, is going to cripple you socially and romantically.
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Blaire … a name from the past!
But back to the post .. location DOES matter. Maybe once you are established, a 45 minute trip won’t be a big deal. But it can be the kiss of death at the early stages. You just aren’t invested enough to make an effort to get together.
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Hi. I edited your comment a bit. Check your email for the reason.
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Got it. You have mail!
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So, if you read the latest on the Blaire saga, it looks like she is getting a divorce two months ago.
That’s sad – whenever marriages fail, it’s sad.
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She had only been married about 6 months. What happened? Also please don’t use her last name at all.
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Okay. I just went to her website and got up to speed.
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Really? I’m not surprised, but I am sad for her. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.
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Thoughts on her situation?
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Oh, you don’t want to know what I think. It’s not very nice.
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Well, since you asked…I’ll post a few quotes from her blog that stuck out to me:
Between school work I needed to do to finish up my Masters, working with patients at the therapy center, doing Love Guru pursuits, finding time for myself, and getting used to and building the relationship with my husband, the classroom of marriage simply became too much to handle.
I craved my space, my silence, and my journal.
With another person in my space 24 hours a day it was really hard for me to hear my intuition, process things, and feel comfortable.
And….
Right now, I am happy being back with myself – and for now, I am happy back being single.
The guy hadn’t been gone a couple weeks and she was already referring to herself as single. If that doesn’t tell you a lot about why she got married in the first place, I don’t know what will.
Me, me, me, me.
And truth be told? The whole situations reeked of a guy looking for a green card.
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I’d have to agree – I think she got married for the wrong reasons, and didn’t realize what was involved. Plus her attitude about me, me, me… I can’t see a lot of guys signing up for that, honestly.
I’m married (and soon to be a father in June). I have to say, marriage is hard work. You have to keep watering your relationship plant, or else it will wither away.
Marriage is like running a small not-for-profit business. You have to make sure your business partner is the right one.
Admittedly, marriage is also one of the greatest things in the world too – I’m a happy guy, and very fortunate to have met my wife. We’re a team in every sense of the word, and she’s my best friend, and we love each other unconditionally. It’s good stuff.
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I can relate to those qualms of never having your own space or privacy anymore. I had to get mean the other night when he kept following me around when I just wanted to talk to some girlfriends on my lap top in piece. Give me some Privacy! Of course he was wounded and I can’t seem to win either way, oh well. It’s a price to pay though for all the other intangibles. She probably just was so used to being single and didn’t feel enough positive emotions for the guy to feel the trade off was worth it. Or maybe no guy will ever be worth it.
I’ve been scrolling through that other blog mentioned of the single gal in the city and while an upbeat and positive blog it’s really obvious to see why she is single. Way too much focus in capturing a fictional Sex and the City lifestyle and though this is superficial she could cut out half the evenings she spends on dating, speed dating, attending events and working on her figure. Her face is great and if she slims down I would bet that would improve her dating 10 fold rather then cramming her life with parties and girls night out.
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I love what you wrote, Mr. R! I do think people sometimes have this unrealistic view of marriage but it takes a lot of work. I remember what Moxie wrote about love – sometimes it’s staying up all night crying because they are sick and you don’t know if they are going to make it. It doesn’t have much to do with chocolate and cards and stuffed pink animals.
On a board I visit, there is a thread asking the female posting audience if they’d prefer dinner or gift on Valentine’s Day. I can’t tell you how many said, “both, you cheap bastard!”
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Wish I could say I was surprised at that, but I’m not. I saw one of those awful Kay Jewelers commercials yesterday and said (jokingly) that I would have divorced that man if he gave me that ugly heart pendant they are peddling for Valentine’s Day. I like very simple things. I’ve always been the oddball of my friends who all have those Tiffany charm bracelets. I want the only piece of jewelry I get to be my wedding ring from my husband. All that other stuff is so trite.
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