State: New York
Comment: Hi there Moxie!
I was recently introduced to a man by a mutual friend. We are both triathletes so I was interested in meeting him. The guy and I met up for a bike ride. He did mention he was inviting a couple of his friends along. A couple of hours into the ride, I realized I was not that into him, but I was open to having a new cycling buddy along with his friends that seemed to be nice guys as well. The next day, the guy texts me to tell me that riding was fun and they all enjoyed having me along. He ended the text by saying that his friend “Phil” wanted to know if he can have my number so that we can go running together. I said sure. Phil texts me and we set up to meet for a long run, 17 miles. He was a great guy and after 2 1/2 hours of running, I thought I would like to see him again. He texted me that same day to let me know how he enjoyed the run together and sent me some tips on running and cycling and that he will see me soon. He had a race the following weekend so I sent him a good luck message and to let me know how he did. He responds after his race and tells me the race was tough. He asked me how my training had been going. I reponded that it was a tough 19 miles for me. I have not heard from him since (4 days). Being that we were in constant contact either calling/texting or emailing, I’m wondering if he is just not that into me or just uber focused on another race this weekend. Should I reach out or let him?
Most men are fairly in the dark when it comes knowing when a woman is flirting with them. By keeping the topic and tone of the messages to cycling, you’re giving him the impression that your interest in him stops there. You need to switch the conversation to something more flirty and personal.Right now, you’re some running buddy. He’s not seeing you as a possible date for two reasons – you’re playing up the athletic/sporty thing by sticking to that topic, which isn’t terribly feminine, and you’re not making the conversation flirty or personal. He very well might be interested and feeling you out. But you’re not giving him anything to go on. Men, especially shy or reserved men, need a little push.
Change the subject in your next text. Ask him how his day was. Lead him off that running path into a conversation that’s more personal. That’s what he is waiting to see from you, and that’s probably why he hasn’t asked you to get together. Or he’s just not interested. But the only way to know that short of asking him out (which I don’t recommend unless the guy is just not picking up your signals) is to take things to a more personal level. Basically, you’re Friend Zoning yourself right now. You’re being “one of the guys.” That’s not what guys wants.
I was working with two women on their profiles yesterday. Both women made it a point to express their love of baseball and beer or golf and sailing. When I explained to them that most men don’t see that as a selling point, they asked why. My answer was pretty simple: because those things aren’t feminine. That and most men aren’t looking for someone to go golfing with or to attend a Yankees game and throw back a few brews. They can do that with their guy friends. It’s not a bad thing if a woman enjoys those activities. It’s just not something that scores them points in a dating profile or on a the first few dates.
This is the mistake so many women make in their profiles. They try too hard to seem like “one of the guys.” They talk up their jobs, their financial security, all the athletic activities they do, and they don’t showcase their more uniquely feminine traits.
In many cases, the women don’t really have any. They’ve been shutting them down for so long that they’ve atrophied. Or they refuse to sell themselves this way because they think it makes them submissive. Ignore the women who tell you men are intimidated by strong women. It’s a lie. The majority of men are not scared off by a strong woman.
There are some women who are able to use their more masculine attributes to their benefit. They tend to attract what men who have more feminine qualities. (Not to be confused with effeminate qualities.) It works for them. How do you know if that works for you? Well, it works. You meet men on or offline that compliment your personality and energy.
Some of us, though, (raises hand) have to consciously temper our more “masculine” side.
Something else that turns men off? A woman who tries to adapt a too-casual attitude towards sex. It’s one thing if the woman doesn’t have sexual hang ups or is sexually assertive. It’s another if she acts like this is something she does all the time. There’s confident (which is good) and then there’s programmed, where you come across completely detached from the whole experience. That turns men off. That’s why men hesitate when a woman proposes no strings sex out of the blue when they barely know each other. If there’s an established friendship or relationship, it’s not as tricky. But if you meet a guy at a party, bar or online and only chat a bit, it’s going to throw most men off. Especially if you “pitch” it. You know, give them the whole schpiel about how you’re not looking for anything serious and just want casual sex and you find them attractive, blah blah. Don’t do that. That’s a case of a woman thinking she’s acting “like a guy” so she presents herself the way she thinks a guy would act in that case. Why? Because women are in love with the idea of an “honest” guy. Nothing says “I can’t get laid to save my life because every guy thinks I’m crazy” than that speech. Just ask them to meet for a drink and let things unfold organically.