Unmarried With Children – How Do You Get Dates?

Dear Moxie:
You are asking for more ideas for your column, so here it goes.
I’ve been a regular reader for over a year.  While I enjoy your column, that is, geared toward the single woman…I find some of the columns and especially the reader comments insensitive to those of us with kids.  I’ve been raising my kids pretty much on my own (now young teenagers) in the LI suburbs with very little help from their dad.  I have them both playing sports (basketball) which has been great for keeping them busy (and me running around with them).  I realize my availability factors don’t make me the most attractive person for a single man….although I do meet single dads on the circuit, most of us are just busy tending to the kids etc. etc. Someone last week on the Moxie comments referred to people like me as “great for the harem”.  From the single man’s perspective that put down may sound great…but how does someone like me…45, in great shape, and busy with kids…go about attracting an appropriate single man?  Or does my busyness with the stuff of life put them off?  Your feedback would be helpful…the thought of 6 or 8 more years of this is….lonely.
Thanks

Well, there are a number of things about your circumstance that makes finding a single man difficult. These are things you need to understand so you can develop some kind of resolution or be able to quell the concerns of the type of men you want to meet.

But first, just so I’m clear, are you saying that you don’t want to date single dads or that you would date single dads, but prefer to date men with no children? If it’s the former, and I’m reading this correctly, you’re dismissing the single dads for the same reason you believe the childless men are dismissing you – the availability factor. Or you’re saying that the single dads you meet just aren’t looking, so that’s why they aren’t an option.  Here’s why setting your sights on single men without kids might be a struggle for you:
1. They don’t want kids - Not yours. Not theirs. Not anybody’s. If they’ve hit 40, 45 or older, and they’re childless, that’s probably by choice.

2. They don’t want to raise someone else’s kids - As you said yourself, your ex isn’t really in the picture. In theory, it’s a nice thought that a man would take on supporting someone else’s kids. But in practice I don’t think many single men are thrilled by it. Especially if the woman’s relationship with her ex is tense.

3. They want their own kids - Harsh, but true. They don’t have to raise someone else’s. A man in his late thirties to even late forties can find a woman in her thirties or even early forties to have his children if he really wants them.

4. The want simplicity – You admitted it. You’re life is filled with activities that are all related to your kids. Their life is probably equally hectic. Why complicate things?

I’m detailing this things so that rather than get frustrated and take it personally, you can have an understanding of where these men might be coming from.

 

I think you’re best bet is to focus your efforts on meeting single dads. They understand the time constraints. There are several LI based Single Parent Meetups that you could join. And many speeddating companies offer events strictly for single parents. If you prefer to date men without kids, then you’re going to have to do some serious prioritizing and re-arranging.

You seem to be upset at the idea that people look at single people with kids as having “baggage.” You need to face the reality that it’s true. You do come with baggage. Just because children are supposed to be cute and adorable and omigoddon’tyahustwanttosqueezetheircheeks doesn’t mean people have to be extra accommodating. You’re doing what a lot of people do and refusing to see the situation from both sides.

What you shouldn’t ignore is how much time and patience and tolerance is involved when dating a single parent. If you do that, then you can develop pre-emptive solutions to possible concerns or problems that come up. You can present your life in a way that doesn’t seem, to the casual observer like a guy reading your profile, as terribly complicated. We’ve said it before. Know your audience. Learn how to position yourself to your desired target market and predict  inevitable issues that might arise.

Here’s an example. When I began my great Reinvention Tour of 2011 (Hah. Madonna reference) I made sure to address any possible issues that might come up regarding my blog. Before I would meet  a guy or go on the first date, I’d send him an email with a link to the blog and tell him that I liked to be upfront about who I was an what I did. I also made it a point to say that I don’t discuss my personal life. I then offered him the option to read the blog and then come back to me with any questions or concerns. I knew what the hot button concerns were for men when it came to dating someone who writes about dating. I could also back up my statements. I didn’t hide what I did or show any sort of shame. I was completely upfront from the get go. It wasn’t 100% effective, but it was far more effective than the old way, which was to not understand their hesitation and not mention anything in the beginning. This also alleviated the inevitable “I Googled you. So, BJ Classes. What’s that like?” or “So are you going to write about this?” thing. Instead of them blindsiding me with questions, I opened the floor up to them myself. This also helped me screen out the attention whores. Funny story. I met a guy online back in December. I showed him the blog and gave him my speech. He read it and came back to me with, “You can write about me. I don’t mind. Just call me…”  I canceled the date.

Show these guys that you get it, that you understand where they might be coming from. Not only does that help you take more control of the situation, but it demonstrates a caring/concerned vibe for their comfort, time and needs. Feminine qualities.

Finally, ignore the “harem” comments. Seriously. Things like that are said by frustrated men who wish they had  a harem of women. They’re pissed off so they want you to feel as hurt as they do.

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36 Responses to “Unmarried With Children – How Do You Get Dates?”

  1. Amy Says:

    I strongly agree that single dads are the way to go. My husband and I were fairly newly separated (from other people) when we met. Our kids were all in middle school – he has 2 and I have 2. We understood the time constraints and challenges and both agreed to put our kids first and be the best parents we could be. It wasn’t always easy but we understood one another and helped reinforce each other’s goals. (We talked on the phone a lot, didn’t see each other so much.)
    Now the kids are grown, we’re happily married and it’s all good.

    However, I have to say – a new client of mine is a newlywed (I’d say mid 40’s). She has four kids and married a guy who had none. They met at work. So you never know.

    But overall, I’d say single dad is the best match for you.
    And I didn’t like the ‘harem’ comment either but just figured the writer was an a$$hole. People sure reveal a lot about themselves, don’t they?
    Good luck with dating!

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 10 Thumb down 2

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    • ICAN1057 Says:

      Dear Moxie,

      Your condition is like the situations of many other singles with kid/ s. I am a signle man with four sons but none is living at home. I have dated a few singles mothers with child/ren because I have a void of my home being empty. But I found out that most women are not prepared to go to sustain a meaningful relationship relationship with a guy eventhough they claim that they want to move on.

      It seems like most single mothers tend be hindered by the consequencies of using their child /ren as Scapped Goat(s) either known or unknowly. (1). They spend all of their useful time perpetrating revengeor vengances against their child/ren’s father(s) rather then making informed decisions to enable them move on with life. Don’t get me wrong, there are laws on the book to protect they and their child/ren’s rights but anything taken to the far left will not only hurt them but the child/ren also. (2). Some unnecessarily and overly occupied their child/ren live(s) with activities when they know that they are single parents. (3). Others allow their child/ren to be the parents rather than they. While this may ease the pressure from them it may sometimes be a form of abuse: they child/ren jump step of development taking the place of either the father/ husband or mother and thereby prevent the parents from dating anyone who may bring about boundries in the home. And the list goes on and on.

      What am I saying here: with the attitudes of most single mothers toward their child/ren, it takes would take more than being a mother in order for they and their child/ren to succeed in meaninfgully moving forward with their lives. They must sinceerely face reality: (1). The child/ren’s father(s) is or are gone; therefore, they are playing a dual role (the Mother and the Father). It means that they must render discipline (it is important that the child knows “yes, no and or wait). Mothers need to say what they mean and mean what they say to their kids for a double tong mother only live to suffer it with their children. (2). They must learn to build a systemic support with other genuine single mothers to enable them transition properly: Children are global creatures because the world is becoming smaller than we think. Home is the place of training and lunching of children into their destiny if properly developed. simply that their fathers left you doesn’t mean that your life ends there. In most cases, breakups are some of the best things that can happen to us. You really don’t want to be like one of those whose children drove away every guy who came in their mothers’ lives.

      I hope this will help you and or other singles like us.

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  2. Craig Says:

    There are childless single men out there who will date women with kids – if the woman is worth it. I’ve dated a few of them and the draw was these women were absolute knockouts who would have been way out of my league otherwise. Being saddled with a kid leveled the playing field to the extent that I had a fighting chance I otherwise would have been unlikely to have with them. Bridget Moynahan is good celebrity example. A hottie who was left high and dry by Tom Brady while preggers and is now a knockout single fortysomething mom with a kid. Can I get a show of hands from the guys – anyone gonna turn her down if she wants to date you? If money is the great equalizer for men, then extreme hotness is the great equalizer for women.

    Barring being as genetically gifted as Ms. Moynahan, the best bet for a single middle-aged woman with kids is to find a dude in a similar circumstance. If he has custody of his kids, that’s even better. There’s a unique bond to be found in sharing such a similar difficult circumstance. Seek out these men at the kids’ games or when dropping off/picking up for practice and strike up friendly conversations. Propose having drinks or coffee to kill the time before practice ends. That’s how I’d play it.

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  3. DC Phil Says:

    I’m one of those childless (by choice as I don’t care for kids all that much) men who would date a woman with kids. One main reason why I don’t is mentioned above: time constraints. Understandable that a woman with kids is going to be busy with the kids, but to what extent? I do know mothers with just one kid who manage to keep their schedule pretty tight and don’t have the kid on the weekends. Then there are others with 2 + who never have a moment to themselves, much less to date all different kinds of men.

    And, I’d agree — going for single dads is your best bet. The two of you already have common ground. I’d be interested in dating a single mom only casually.

    Finally, one very important thing to remember (especially if you want to date a childless guy) is to not speak as if the kid is the center of your univers. Yeah, yeah . . . I know . . . the kid IS the center of your universe. But, no childfree guy (or single dad, I’d be willing to bet) is going to want to hear, right out of the gate, that he’s going to play second fiddle because you, the single mother, doesn’t have her schedule in order. To me, that’s as bad as a woman who works long hours, travels too much, and has her life filled to the brim with activities. It screams, “I have no time to date.”

    If so, then don’t bother.

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    • Crotch Rocket Says:

      I do know mothers with just one kid who manage to keep their schedule pretty tight and don’t have the kid on the weekends. Then there are others with 2 + who never have a moment to themselves, much less to date all different kinds of men.
      OTOH, I’ve known single moms with just one kid who are never available because they spend nearly every waking moment either working or with their kid, and I’ve known other single moms with multiple kids who go out and party all the time while their kids are dumped in day care or with relatives. So, though more kids will consume more time in general, there are plenty of exceptions. It all depends on the woman’s priorities.

      FWIW, I see nothing wrong with a single parent needing some “me” time and some “adult” time–which might be spent dating. It’s all about balance.

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      • DC Phil Says:

        Indeed, it does depend on the woman’s priorities. I forgot to mention that the tables can be turned with a women with just one kid and a woman with multiple kids.

        And, as I mentioned, when the women, in her profile, speaks as if the kid is her No. 1 priority this will come across as her having no other priorities, or that her priorities might be somewhat misplaced, if she’s trying to date. Yes, that might not be what she intends to communicate, but she’s not making a good enough job of tamping that down.

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  4. mari Says:

    I am a single parent and have been since my kids werre 9 and 12 (now 18 and 15). I had a standing sitter for both Friday and Saturday nights- which made me feel free and made me available to date – but I was also really upfront – “i am only available friday and saturday nights” etc. that said, I was REALLY happy to be out – and was/am a good fun date. So..I got dates, and when I didn’t have a date, I went out by myself, with a girlfriend whatever. Devoted all weeknights to my kids and most weekend days. Right now I am dating a Dad but his kids are older – I am still not as available as he is – but it seems to be working..and I am more available now that my kids are older..so – its all about getting everything done during the week (including working full time etc), hiring as much help as you can afford (sitter, weekly cleaning, laundry etc) and being upfront about schedules.and having fun.

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  5. Howard Says:

    Well, you have to be honest with yourself about what you want and how selfish that could appear or ungiving to another person, and then it all makes sense as to why people act the way they do.

    If you were a single young thing with no kids, would you necessarily go for the single dad bringing up a couple of kids by himself, as your first resort. You would certainly do it if the right situation were there and you clicked like crazy, but it wouldn’t be something you would go looking for as your first resort.

    Commonality is always a powerful thing in getting relationships off the ground. So your best bets in order are:
    1.The dad who has finished raising kids, loved kids and misses those years, and wouldn’t mind having a few in the picture. This is typically the older guy. Yes sometimes he is 5 to 10 years or more your senior.
    2. The single dad who has custody
    3. The single dad who does not have custody
    4. The guy who has decided he is too old to start having babies now, but likes kids, so some that are already in the picture represents a good situation for him. This is typically the older guy. Yes sometimes he is 5 years or more your senior.

    The guys that are totally out of the picture for you are.
    1. The guy who wants to father his own kids genetically, irregardless of his age. You are 45 so you are definely in a difficult position with that.
    2. The guy who has finished raising kids and is now kicking back and trying to enjoy life and save for his retirement.

    The realities of kids are that they an expensive proposition. I raised two and the second one finishes college in May. If I did the math, the number on each exceeds $250,000 between raising them and paying for college. So you may do your “I can pay my own way spiel” but it’s going to cost the other party at some point. He may not be able to go on vacation with his significant other when he wants to. Even if the finances are there, the kids may be in school. There are other financial issues like his retirement planning, too.

    The other cost is time. You don’t have as much as you would like. So a man could be walking into a situation where he is adding significant stress to his life. Now that is not going to last forever; it’s a temporary thing. The kids actually grow faster that we realize.

    The thing that I tell people is to acknowledge. Don’t just say nothing. This is the big entitlement issue that women have. If you meet a man that is willing to do for you, acknowledge him. Don’t act like you are just entitled to it because you have a certain body part.

    The other issue is never ever get into a situation of him vs the kids. He knows your kids come first, you never should say it, infer it or act in a provacative way to rub that in. If the situation should result in committment, you have to give him the authority over the kids he deserves. Responsibility without authority never works. It’s no big deal really. Parents gave me the authorority over their kids I coached all the time, and they were never disappointed.

    I dated a woman once, and she seemed to want to make it her business to listen in on every conversation I had with her 18 year old son who was still a junior in HS. At that time my younger daughter who was 18, was a sophomore in college. I had also spent a lot of time coaching young people his age, with nothing but total respect and gratitude from their parents. At some point she summoned up the temerity to tell me her son didn’t want to listen to me telling him about me; that I only needed to talk about him. Yeah, you guessed it. I checked out. But I blame myself on that, because I should have seem that coming. This is the woman who found it necessary to tell me her divorce cost her over half a million dollars within an hour of me first meeting her. And that leads into another conversation on baggage.

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    • BruceWayne Says:

      “At some point she summoned up the temerity to tell me her son didn’t want to listen to me telling him about me; that I only needed to talk about him.”

      Uhh, yeah. What 18 year old boy wants to have his mom’s boyfriend coach him or talk only about himself? And the kid had probably complained to his mother about you, I’m sure she didn’t just make that up. Maybe you were making the 18 year old uncomfortable?

      And asking people about themselves is a good conversation tactic in general.

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      • Howard Says:

        Conversations are a two way street. People tell each other about each other. Sometimes the easiest way to get someone to open up about themselves is to open up about yourself. Of course it has to be done in a non-bragging way. You don’t tell them about your house or your car or education; more about what you felt and dreamed coming up; and sneakily what you learned along the way. It’s sometimes more about expressing that you are in touch with what that young person is going through. Most young people are disconnected from older people, because no experiences from the older person’s younger years are shared to show they experienced the same, worried about the same things, made the same mistakes, and delighted in similar frivilous things. The older person is then just seen as a old dinosaur who was never young.

        I’ve coached more kids than you can imagine and I was able to a very positive influence on their lives, so much so that when they have their own children, they are constantly trying to get me to coach them.

        Older person asking younger person about themselves too much when establishing a relationship, is interpretted as inquisitioning them.

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        • BruceWayne Says:

          Yes, conversations are a two way street. Between two relatively mature adult. As someone related to an 18 year old boy, they are not mature and have less-than average social skills when it comes to their elders. And even if you are a fabulous coach, your role as his mother’ s boyfriend could have made him uncomfortable.

          All I’m saying is that request on the mother’s part was not a good reason to just drop someone you’re dating like a hot potato. If there were other reasons, which there probably were, that’s a different story entirely.

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        • DC Phil Says:

          I agree that there are always some shared life experiences between the older and the younger, but not always. Some just have no clue because they came from different backgrounds.

          For example, when I was in my 20s, I struggled to find a professional job because I took a wrong turn here and there and lost some time in getting on a more established path. I was also in a small city and couldn’t move to a larger city, like DC or NYC, where I could find what I was looking for, not to mention making enough money where I could live on my own and make sure that all of my bills were paid without the fear of losing my job.. My aunt and my uncle (mother’s side) in the 30 + years they’ve been working, have never been laid off, have never been fired, and have never struggled financially. In many ways, they act like typical Baby Boomers — very materialistic. Some of their advice during those years was a bit patronizing and condescending. My uncle, in particular, believed that “anyone can get a job if they worked hard and blasted their resume.” Uh, huh . . . ’nuff said. They clearly had no such hardships. Neither did my mother, until she was finally laid off from her job. Then she could understand what I was going through.

          As for me, I could never (and still can’t) relate to kids of divorce, both in my generation (Gen X) and with Gen Y. My parents were married when I was born and are still married. So, how would I know what divorced kids go through, except intellectually?

          My point is that there are times when the older and younger don’t see eye to eye because they lack shared experiences. Sometimes, one or the other has to be creative in finding the common ground. They also just have to shut up and listen.

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  6. mari Says:

    Confused about this:

    “So you may do your “I can pay my own way spiel” but it’s going to cost the other party at some point. He may not be able to go on vacation with his significant other when he wants to. Even if the finances are there, the kids may be in school. There are other financial issues like his retirement planning, too.”

    Meaning that she isn’t available to go on vacation? If her kids go to sleepaway camp for even two weeks she is – thinking basketball camp but you are right – she isn’t as available as someone without kids – but if she is upfront about that – then people she dates will be aware of this.. Or, he wants to retire before she does – well..he did know that she couldn’t retire if her kids were still in college? Didn’t read anywhere that she needs someone to pay for her kids – thinking she would just like a date and not have to wait seven years to have a bf…

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    • Howard Says:

      Letting someone know upfront is great, but that doesn’t make everything all fine after that, simply because you let them know upfront. That is an entitled attitude. It’s like the last post of the guy letting a girl know he is dating someone else upfront. Does it become a tactic to cover any future shorfalls in expectations? “See I told you well in advance”.

      On financial issues: It’s more common to meet a single woman with kids, who says or infers “I am independent and don’t need financial help from a man” and after the fact find out she is hurting someway financially, and wouldn’t mind the help. It becomes especially apparent when she figures out you make good money. Not that it’s a problem with me. If you care for someone, you want to help them. It’s more about the attitude regarding it that matters.

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    • Crotch Rocket Says:

      people she dates will be aware of this
      Disclosure is good, but it doesn’t make the problem go away.

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      • Angeline Says:

        I agree. Howard makes some good points, but I don’t think it is entitlement so much as unrealistic for people to think they won’t get drawn into support/money issues for the chilldren of their significant other (please note this can go either way in the gender equation). Discosure and a stated intent that you will support your own children precludes the ‘entitlement’ attitiude, IMO, and attitude is at least part of the battle. But it is still wishful thinking to believe that the financial obligation and standard of living, as well as schedule, won’t impact the relationship. One of the reasons my boyfriend and I decided against marriage at this point in our lives is the complications it would bring to the child support question – my kids are grown, I own my house, and his kids are pre-college teens. I’m still paying for college for my own kids, and frankly, don’t want to take on that cost for someone else’s kids.

        It would be a significant obstacle to long term intentions to have to factor in child support, college, etc., and unrealistic to ignore that.

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  7. mari Says:

    No doubt- is hard to date a single parent especially a widow/widower or where the othe parent isn’t present in the kids lives. To a certain extent she has to wait 7 years until the kids go to college – but it doesn’t mean she can’t find anyone to date in the meantime – preferably someone with kids of their own who is also really busy.And yes, it is crazy expensive to raise kids..just don’t think the women in the post sounds entitled – just lonely..not that there aren’t women who feel entitled unfortunately.

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  8. Kool Kitty Says:

    Single LI Basketball mom here….I don’t need anyone to PAY for the kids. The ex gives me $$ and I have a business. I’m trying to take care of MY needs….you know adult company and the like. Some of the feedback … in fact most of it is wonderful and I really appreciate it.

    :)

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  9. Curious Says:

    Moxie, why would you cancel a date with a guy who said you could write about him?

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    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      There were other factors involved in the decision. But if I make an emphatic point to a guy that I don’t write about my personal life and he comes back with, “Okay. But if you want to you can” then that just tells me he likes the idea of being written about. Especially if he comes up with an alias for me to use.

      As I’ve said before, a typical (read: normal/healthy) guy would not want to be written about in any way. A guy who does is usually (but not always) an attention seeker/egomaniac. I don’t want to be involved with guys who try to ride me coattails for a little blog glory.

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  10. Crotch Rocket Says:

    but how does someone like me…45, in great shape, and busy with kids…go about attracting an appropriate single man?
    Attract them to what end, though? Are you looking to get (re)married–potentially with a blended family? (Re)married after your (and possibly their) kids leave the nest? Something romantic when the kids are busy/away but not leading to (re)marriage? Just someone to just have fun (and possibly sex) with when you get an itch?

    First, you have to be able to clearly articulate what it is you’re looking for. Then, and only then, can you look at the men who want the same thing and figure out how to meet and attract them.

    Or does my busyness with the stuff of life put them off? It will put off some men, but it will attract others. It depends which you’re looking for.

    the thought of 6 or 8 more years of this is….lonely. That’s understandable, and I don’t envy you that. Still, there are ways to make your situation work for instead of against you.

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  11. Alan Says:

    I’ve dated a lot of single moms without exception divorced. I do not think you need to screen out the demographically appropriate men (I assume you would prefer something that could turn into something long term) who are not fathers. (I’m not). You don’t have to have kids to understand the responsibilities of being a parent. So why eliminate a part of the field unnecessarily when it is already hard enough in the burbs for someone in their mid-40s’s to find someone compatible (no matter how attractive you are.)

    Your priorities will always be your priorities but all you need to do is make your dating partner your priority when you can and not be so self-entitled to the point that your family’s needs are always treading over those of your partner. Not. that. difficult.

    As an aside when I began to date divorcees with kids I always tried to get a handle on whether she had a good working relationship with the father of her children. It’s often the ex’s that make dating life miserable for each other.

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    • Crotch Rocket Says:

      I do not think you need to screen out the demographically appropriate men … who are not fathers.
      She doesn’t need to, but primarily because they’ll screen themselves out, at least out of anything serious. OTOH, if she’s just looking for fun, they may not care–but she’s kidding herself if she thinks she’s the only gal childless guys are having “fun” with due to her limited availability.

      You don’t have to have kids to understand the responsibilities of being a parent.
      Yeah, actually, you do. Heck, even many people who are parents don’t really understand those responsibilities, hence many of the problems of our society today.

      Not. that. difficult.
      If it isn’t so difficult, then why do so few single parents do it? And how could you, as an admitted childless person, understand how difficult it is anyway? I’ve “dated” a lot of single moms myself, but I know I don’t know jack shit about raising children alone–and it sure as heck didn’t seem easy for any of the ones that were doing a good job of it.

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      • Alan Says:

        whew! that’s kind of hostile!

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        • Angeline Says:

          That’s because your post was kinda hostile. It is incredibly difficult to balance the total and occasionally suffocating responsibility of raising and teaching another human being (and I was married when I did it). Done right, it *IS* the single largest responsibilty most of us will ever have. That total responsibility is the part that is hard to grasp for some people who don’t have kids. (And no, pets is not the same thing – you can’t leave a bowl of food on the floor for a toddler and go off to work) To expect to be put ahead of that, is in my opinion the entitled view. Yes, it IS that ddifficult to remember to balance the needs of your romantic interest against the needs of your children, especially if you’ve been out of the dating game a while. As CR said, that’s something a lot of married people, heck, a lot of parents, period – struggle with. Kids are actually a good filter for weeding out the needy children of the adult variety.

          That said, there is a balance needed to also allow time for nurturing and caring for the partner who can stand not being the center of attention all the time.

          The advice to not trumpet that your kids mean everything to you and are your priority is good advice. It should be a given, an assumption. The need to state it is defensive and/or braggy. This debate is reminding me of the brouhaha over whether a guy should announce up front that he is dating other people in the first few contacts. That is off-putting in the same way this is – the assumption should be there until otherwise proved that (a) your kids are your Top! Priority! and (b) you’re dating other people. Yes, you should know it, but no one wants it thrown in their face.

          Truly people, would you be comfortable dating, even casually, someone who *does* do little more than leave a bowl of food on the floor for the kids?

          OP, the harsh reality is that you will be somewhat lonely here and there until you finish raising your kids. If it’s any consolation, you can feel that way in a marriage, too. It is one of the burdens of taking that responsibility seriously. The satisfaction of knowing you did right by your kids is sometimes the only reward. It does get better, it does get easier. Hang in there, and make the best life you can in the spaces you get.

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          • Alan Says:

            well I see this hostility thing is ramping up. (and I fail to see how my post was hostile although other negative descriptions are possible. I thought my perspective, primarily in the first and third paragraphs, might be useful to someone.)

            In any case perhaps my post, which I thought was unambiguous, was not.

            I certainly understand that a single parent’s overwhelming priority is the kids and that it is difficult to find a balance. (i certainly didn’t say a dog was a child-equivalent).

            All I said is it is not that difficult to avoid having your family needs always tread over that of your dating partner. If they always do (and you have no other support system or have no ability to compromise when a support system isn’t available) then you probably can’t be in a mutually supporting relationship.

            In any case that is my experience.

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  12. offensivedan Says:

    You know I deal with single moms a lot down here in the South. Most women here are programmed to breed as much as possible, so you run into a lot of single moms with at least three (3) kids. I

    In any event, Craig hit the nail on the head. I only date moms if they are good looking and are in shape. Ordinarlly, some of them would not have given me the time of the day if they did not have the kids, but the fact they have kids leveled the playing field. Now, would I enter into a serious long term committment or marriage with such a woman? Generally, no. Why? Well:

    1) I am not going to raise some other guy’s kids or pay for them. A single mom can tell you all she wants that she is not looking for financial help in raising a kid but you will be paying–trust me. It has happened to my friends.
    2) It’s too hard to integrate yourself into her and the kids; lives and live like a family.I don’t feel the need to have to go to family counseling.
    3) Most single womens’ kids are obnoxious and spoiled. I don’t want to deal with that.
    4) Single moms have little to no time for you. This is a pain in the ass.
    5) Run away from any single mom that tells you right off the bat that her kids are the most important thing in the world. it happens a lot on online profiles

    Now, for the exceptions:

    1) If she has one kid and is willing to have more with you
    2) If her kid is close to college age which means he will be leaving home soon.
    3) Again, no more than one kid who, hopefully, is not very young.
    4) Also, i would have to consider if she gets child support.

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    • Crotch Rocket Says:

      Most of this is a bunch of prejudiced, narrow-minded bullshit, but there are a couple of gems in there:

      I only date moms if they are good looking and are in shape.
      This is a big deal, especially for guys who want kids (of their own), because we understandably fear how having kids will affect a women’s body. If she’s already had one and still looks good, that works in her favor.

      Ordinarlly, some of them would not have given me the time of the day if they did not have the kids, but the fact they have kids leveled the playing field.
      Nearly all of the best-looking women I’ve dated were single moms; the douchebags they’d normally pick over me simply weren’t interested in them (because they could get hotties without kids), so I got a chance I normally wouldn’t get. Also, having a kid shifts most women’s priorities in favor of what the kids of qualities I have to offer–and away from the douchebags that usually get the good-looking, childless women.

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    • DC Phil Says:

      Just out of curiosity, I keep hearing about how Southern women, despite being programmed to breed early and prodigiously, are better attitude-wise than northern women. Does this also apply to Southern single moms? Anything you care to share?

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  13. offensivedan Says:

    Crotch, whether you like it or not, I am voicing what a lot of men think when they see a single mom. Single guys look for a single mom that is a milf. Once it gets complicated they are outta there.

    My own experience with a single mom was one of just sex and nothing else. I don’t know what the OP is looking for but she needs to lighten up.

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    • Bob Says:

      Crotch, you’re a pig and so are all your other guys. Don’t speak for all men. It’s that kind of bull that keeps women at a distance and keeps the real men from finding a relationship.

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  14. mari Says:

    I would put a profile up on match or one of the other sites, state that you have kids, but missing adult company, some stuff you like to do (adult not all kid related) – and see what happens. There is a whole segment of the male population who like single moms as the comment above state – have fun and be careful

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  15. Bob Says:

    Don’t loose hope. I’m a single, successful, attractive guy looking for single Moms and I can’t get them to date me. It isn’t me. I know of of at least half a dozen decent, dynamic guys in the same situation.

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    • Crotch Rocket Says:

      Why are you, a supposedly single successful, attractive guy, looking specifically for single moms?

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