Name: Bill
State: New York City
Age: 43
Comment: You’ve written about how women should respond to a guy who faded after a couple of dates and then resurfaced. What about how a guy should put woman on hold? The backstory: A woman (Woman #1) contacted me on OK Cupid and suggested we meet for a drink. I said yes and we discussed two possible nights and that I’d know for sure which one worked the next day. Just before Woman #1 emailed me I had one date with a different woman (Woman #2). I had a second date with Woman #2 the day after the Woman #1 emailed me and I agreed to meet for a drink. When the first day came that Woman #1 and I had tentatively discussed meeting, I didn’t follow up with her because I had had the second date with the Woman #2 and things were going well. The next day Woman #1 followed up with me and asked if I still wanted to meet. At that point I had set up a third date with Woman #2 so I didn’t reply. After the 3rd date with Woman #2 I emailed Woman #1 and explained that I was still interested, but that I had had 3 dates with someone and things were going very well and that I wanted to see where that connection went. I told her I was going to keep up my profile for now but was hesitant to meet anyone else until I knew where things were going with Woman #2. She graciously replied and said she understood. I’m not sure what the appropriate response is in this situation so I went with the truth. What’s the right way to handle? Thanks, B.
There is no “right” way to handle this. Some people just Fade and never follow up. Other people juggle. If you had taken Woman #1 out for a drink after that first/second date with Woman #2 and decided you liked Woman #2 more or felt obligated to follow through with her, then Woman #1 would have been frustrated anyway. Either way, you were going to annoy Woman #1.
If you’re someone who doesn’t prefer to juggle, then my suggestion to you is to not reply to anyone once you’ve gone on a date with someone you like. If you follow up two weeks later or a month later, so be it. You can make up a lie about work or traveling or something. You’re only shooting yourself in the foot by being “honest.”
I think I’d rather hear nothing or a lie than, “Oh hai, I blew you off because I like someone better/somebody beat you to the punch.” The Fade is common practice now. It’s admirable that you wanted to be “honest” and “do the right thing” but the right thing would have been to contact her on the appointed day you had discussed meeting and telling her you couldn’t make it.
You basically played the odds at her expense. No need to confirm that. If she’s savvy and experienced enough, she’ll know the score. That’s always what I assumed if someone did something like this to me.
Should things not work out with Woman #2, you could follow up with Woman #1. Just don’t expect her to jump for joy that you’re asking her to be your sloppy seconds. Which, technically, I know she’s not. I know that this is the nature of online dating. Timing is everything and everybody is bombarded with options. If she’s smart she’ll recognize that you’re a guy who appears to be looking for something substantive. It’ll require a serious amount of compromise on her part to just suck it up and leave the past in the past, but she might do it.
I know everybody would like to think they have the right and the freedom to tell people to screw off, but sadly that’s short sighted in the online dating realm. Sometimes you do have to settle for what feels like scraps in the beginning. You have to bite your tongue and say nothing or risk letting the other person know how you’ve been burned or disappointed or sidelined in the past. You never want somebody to know that in the beginning. You’ll be marking yourself and revealing a “flaw” that just might make the other person wonder if there’s something about you that makes you disposable.
Thoughts?
The key here, I think, is detachment. The online environment is impersonal. It’s a tool to “shop,” facilitate meetings, and nothing more. A difficult concept to swallow at first, yes, but after doing it for a while, you start to become distanced from everything. If logistics suck, then move to someone else. I agree with Moxie in that it’s playing the odds as someone else’s expense. But, if the woman (or man) is savvy enough, they’ll get the picture.
As for being passed up, I know this firsthand. Last spring, I tried to go out with a cute musician, early 30s, who was active duty Army and was playing in the President’s Own as a harpist. She had her own website with her recording samples, and she was very, very good. I thought, “Great, someone who has an interest in classical music!” So, I phoned her after the brief email exchange on OKC and everything seemed go to well. We set up a date the following week.
Two days before were were to meet, she calls me stating that she got called to do a last-minute performance at the White House for a few visiting dignitaries so she had to cancel our date. In addition, she said that she had someone else waiting in the wings and was going to go with him instead after she finished her White House performance. Needless to say, I was rather miffed that she pulled something like this. In my mind, it wouldn’t have killed her to go out for one cup of coffee with me since we made a date. But, shame on me . . . I was showing emotion when I probably shouldn’t have. After all, it was her prerogative to go with whomever she chose — and no love was lost since she and I hadn’t met and hadn’t made any investments in each other yet.
Since that time, I slowly learned to not care anymore.
Hot debate. What do you think?
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Yeah, I think most online daters, like Phil, have expereinced the dreaded cancellation. However, I thought it was crappy how she told Phil she preferred someone else’s company to his.
The key things to remember when it comes to online dating, as I have experienced, is the following:
1) If they cancel the first meeting. Forget about it. 9 times our of 10 you will never see them. Don’t waste your time.
2) If they do cancel and contact you just either don’t respond or say, “ok, no prob.” That’s it..
3) If they cancel or you contact them to find out out if still meeting and they cancel, just say “ok, no prob. Let them offer to reschedule. If they don’t mention it, forget about it.
4) Don’t show emotion if things don’t work out. For example, if youget cancelled on or stood up no need to respond or get mad about it.
5) Always keep moving. Do not pass up any potential date because of one person. If they cancel for whatever reason and don’t reschedule, move on.
6) If they sound busy and cancel, forget about it. This has happened to me when it comes to pharmacuetical reps.. Waste of time.
*The most important rule is that if they cancel it’s their obligation to reschedule.
If you are doing the fade out or cancel
1) Just cancel and make up an excuse. For example, something work related or so. Do not propose any rescheduling or imply you will. They will get it and move on.
2) Do not say you cannot make it b/c you are seeing someone else. That’s crappy.
3) After you cancel, no more contact with tha person. Leave them alone.They no the score and, more than likely, will not welcome your late advances
Well-loved. Like or Dislike:
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The two times that guys cancelled first dates on me because they were “sick” I was very sweet and sympathetic. On the very remote chance that they were actually sick, I figured being polite was the best option. And if they had chosen someone else, being a bitch would only confirm in their mind that I was not the right choice. When they asked to reschedule, I politely told them to call me when they are feeling well. I didn’t expect them to follow up, and they never did.
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Yep, best to just not take it too personally. I’d rather not know if I’m someone’s second choice, so a bs excuse about work is fine. Online dating is like that, and it’s not a crime if you don’t fall in instant love with someone’s profile. Anything really meaningful is going to happen after the first few dates, so whatever goes before doesn’t matter so much. I would draw the line at someone standing me up on a meet without at least making an attempt to let me know they couldn’t make it. That’s just rude, and in the age of mobile everything, completely unnecessary.
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In December and January, I had something similar happen to me a few times. Guys set up dates, then I didn’t hear from them. Within a couple weeks their profiles were disabled. In two cases the guys eventually followed up and explained that they had met someone and thought the relationship held promise and so they took down their profile. In another instance, I had emailed a guy in response to his profile and he replied a few days later telling me he had recently started seeing someone. Within a couple weeks his profile was disabled.
Every few weeks I go through my inbox and sent box and do a quick scan down the page to see how many messages now have the little heart icon instead of a photo. That usually means they disabled/deleted their profiles. It’s interesting to watch guys disappear for a month or so and then reappear.
Kind of makes you question all these stories you hear from women about how they checked the profile of the guy they’re dating and how the guy had recently logged in or still appeared to have an active profile. Seems like there are a number of guys are a willing to focus on one woman.
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I think Bill did exactly the right thing, he was somewhat invested in Woman #2, hadn’t even met woman #1 – told her where he stood, if woman #2 doesn’t work out, and he would like to meet woman #1 – it is her call whether to accept the meeting. Don’t really see any reason to lie – he is 43 dating someone likely late 30;s to 40..totally adult. I have definitely had people tell me this sort of thing.. think the trick is to not get too invested before you even meet someone. And definitely take the high road – like the OK no prob – best of luck response..
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Don’t really see any reason to lie
Here’s why lying is better:
Because, should things not work out with Woman #2, he can have Woman #1 as a back up. Telling the woman that work got crazy or that he was sick or whatever makes coming back around to her easier. She can justify going out with him in that case. It’s harder to justify it when you know you were put on the back burner in favor of someone else.
The goal should be to make things as simple as possible. Should he go to Woman #1 when Woman #2 doesn’t work out, she’s going to start off not trusting him. They’ll be working from a negative balance. Not only that, but Woman #1 will also wonder if she’s a rebound or if she’s getting “damaged goods” because his relationship ended. I’ve never heard of anybody bouncing back from a scenario like this. This door is closed. When those two guys I mentioned above swang back around to me and told me they had been dating someone, it didn’t work out, etc I told them both “no thank you.” Why would I go out with someone who has already shown me that he thinks I’m disposable? And, yes, that is a bit of an irrational thought given that this is the nature of online dating. But you can’t unring a bell.
We all know on a certain level that we are somebody’s sloppy seconds. We know that. We don’t need to have that abstract thought confirmed.
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I see your point – and agree, is highly unlikely that woman #1 would agree to meet after hearing the truth..definitely closed that door. I have sent a message similar to the one Bill sent (was truthful) to someone I had never even met – will rethink that in future.
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Bill was never terribly interested in meeting Woman #1 in the first place. If he were, he wouldn’t have sabotaged himself not once but twice. First he blew her off, then he told her he had met someone else. It’s an uncomfortable situation, but it doesn’t take a genius to know not to mention dating someone else. It’s just bad form.
That’s why when someone does the “I’ll know my schedule in a couple days” thing I usually detach. What that typically means is, “I have a date with someone else and I want to meet them first before agreeing to meet you.”
If a guy doesn’t suggest a specific night or confirm right away, I don’t get terribly excited about meeting.
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