Comment: After almost a year of dating I broke up with my boyfriend a month ago. Right after I lost my grandfather and my emotional state was terrible. A few days after he passed I got a call from a guy I worked with a couple years ago. He explained how he moved back to town and wanted to see me. I told him my situation with the break-up and my loss and he understood. However, I needed to get out so I met him for drinks. During the course of our night we laughed and talked about what had been going on in our lives since we last saw each other, etc. He then told me how he was crazy about me and how he wanted to ask me out for so long. I confessed I had a crush on him but since he always seemed to be unavailable I never told him. Well after that he called me every day and then he stopped. So as a gesture I invited him out with my friends and I to the bars assuming I wouldn’t hear from him. He drove 2 hours from where he was to hang out, told me friends how much he liked me and was excited to see me. After enough of the loud bar scene we went to his place, talked and I fell asleep on the couch. Before leaving in the morning I made another offer to hang out and he said he wanted to so to call him during the week. So I called him about 3 days before I planned on having him over and no answer. Because I am am planner by nature I called him the day before and he gave me a rain check. I have not heard from him now for about 3 days and although I really like him, I am considering just letting him go. Is it fair for me to do that or should I hold him to the rain check?
I’m going to say let him go. Here’s why:
First, these expressions of longing and crushes that so many women seem to fall for almost always ring false to me. They feel disingenuous. That’s a huge risk for someone to take on a first date. Most people don’t typically play their hand that way. They know better than to give it all away up front.
Then there’s the fact that he a) drove two hours to b) meet your friends and went on to c) announce to these friends how into you he was. Again we have atypical behavior. Sorry if I’m not typing while wearing my rose colored glasses here, but this whole situation felt off to me before I even got to the ending.
I really hate to say this, but this feels like a “I just wanted to get laid and didn’t so I’m no longer interested” scenario. The only reason a man would travel two hours and hang with some girl’s friends on Date 2 was if he was trying to get laid. Or if he just had no other options, which could also be a possibility. Whether his lack of options was merely a dry spell or an ongoing thing we don’t know. Either way, you don’t want that guy. You don’t want to pursue the guy with an abundance of options, but you also don’t want the guy with few to none.
The guy with few to no options is so for a reason. There is something about him that turns women off. A weakness. It’s kind of like how animals tend to avoid the members of their species that have some kind of physical defect. We may not see the imperfection, but we sense it. If we’re reasonably stable or together, we approach with caution. If we’re equally damaged, we run towards these people.
I truly believe that these people have a tendency to find each other. Now, in the interim, these couplings work. But in the long run, the unhealthy foundation on which the relationship is built comes to light. Why would a man so eagerly sacrifice having sex with other women? Why would he wait around several dates/weeks/months* for sex? Answer: Because he wasn’t getting any anyway, so there’s nothing too miss. Or he’s not giving up sex with other women but says or implies that he is.
The only people who don’t question when things stray from the norm are people who don’t want to know the answer because they want the fairytale ending. They want something to talk about or want to have a relationship to trot out at holidays, on the internet, or when out with friends. they want to belong to The Club. They’re so used to A type behavior, so when they encounter Z type behavior they rejoice. What they don’t realize is that neither extreme bodes well. They should want M type behavior. Something in the middle.
This is where critical thinking comes in to play. Many of us avoid this particular tool because it has a tendency to get in the way of what we want. This is why experience is your friend. The more experience you have, the more information you have to use for comparison purposes. That’s where critical thinking comes in.
OP, move on. This guy isn’t for you.