When Do You Take Down Your Profile?

ATWYSBlog ‏ @ATWYSBlog

QUESTION: after how many dates do you disable or take down your dating profile? Love to hear from mn and women. #dating #onlinedating.

 

Evan Marc Katz ‏ @evanmarckatz

@atwysblog It’s not a number of dates. It’s a connection. Strong connections can happen on 1 or 2 dates. Weaker ones will take a month.

 

This is a question that was posed to me by someone who booked a profile review session. To be honest, I didn’t really have an answer. I mentioned in the comments of a recent thread that I mentioned an experience I had had this past December:

In December and January, I had something similar happen to me a few times. Guys set up dates, then I didn’t hear from them. Within a couple weeks their profiles were disabled. In two cases the guys eventually followed up and explained that they had met someone and thought the relationship held promise and so they took down their profile. In another instance, I had emailed a guy in response to his profile and he replied a few days later telling me he had recently started seeing someone. Within a couple weeks his profile was disabled.

Every few weeks I go through my inbox and sent box and do a quick scan down the page to see how many messages now have the little heart icon instead of a photo. That usually means they disabled/deleted their profiles. It’s interesting to watch guys disappear for a month or so and then reappear.

Kind of makes you question all these stories you hear from women about how they checked the profile of the guy they’re dating and how the guy had recently logged in or still appeared to have an active profile. Seems like there are a number of guys are a willing to focus on one woman.

 

It is tricky to play the field and keep your options open while at the same time dating someone you met online. They’ll obviously notice that you’re online or that you’ve logged in. That is, if they’re the type to check, and many people are.

I suggested to the person to keep their profile up, but don’t log in to it. Instead, create a new profile complete with new text and without a picture, and sign up for the membership that allows you to send photos.  That way you can still keep your options open if that’s what you choose to do. Let’s face it, rarely does anybody actually like the people that email them so it’s not like you’re missing out on a ton of possibilities.

Also, what do you do if someone sends you a message on your original profile? Do you answer it? Or do you just let it sit there and wait until you know where things are going with the person you’re dating?

And…how do you explain that you’ve logged on? The answer is that, if the person you’re dating actually busts you on it, your response would obviously be to ask why their profile is still active. (FYI…become wise to the “other” profile many people create strictly to do recon work like this or for contacting you to see if you’ll bite.) If someone does ask you this question, that could be a red flag. Many of us do it. Most of us know we shouldn’t admit to it. Someone who does probably lacks the impulse control necessary to maintain a healthy relationship or has major trust issues.

So, what I’d like to hear is how you all deal with this. Do you take your profile down? Do you not? Has someone ever inquired about why you’re logging in?  How long does it take you before you do take your profile down? Or do you just not bother?

 

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16 Responses to “When Do You Take Down Your Profile?”

  1. DC Phil Says:

    1. Like the OP, I’ve periodically checked through my favorites list to find a lot of empty heart icons where once photos stood. Why do these women take down their profiles? Hell if I know. More than once, it’s been the case where I sent the woman an email the one week, and the next week she’s gone. It could be that they found someone, they suddenly found that they’re too busy or traveling too much for work and should remain inactive (which, IMO, is the smart thing to do), or that they got discourages and threw in the towel. Hell, I had one woman who told me, when I tried to set up a second date, that she was going back to her ex. Hmmm . . . probably just easier for them.

    2. In the past 1.5 years, I’ve taken my profile down three times. My reason was that I needed to take a break (because dating was pissing me off) and it was better for me to just disappear completely, only to return with a new screen name and after the online arena had gone through its weekly churn. Usually, it seems to work. Newer profiles usually attract more attention. It’s all about freshness. :)

    3. No one has ever inquired why I’m still logging on, fortunately, though I suspect they might have seen me, wondered, and then just kept mum about it. I have a fake profile on all of the sites that I’m on to do recon. I’ve only worried if the woman has logged on within the past month. If she still has a profile and hasn’t logged on in, say, 3-6 months, then I wouldn’t worry as much. I wouldn’t bring up the issue unless she did first.

    And, I’ve come close to taking down my profile because I was into the woman only once. That was after seeing her regularly after two months.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

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  2. Jaclyn Says:

    I’m insane, so I created a fake account to spy on the person I was dating’s profile. That way, I could see when he had last logged in and when his account is taken down without him seeing that I was logging into a dating website and wondering why I was online.

    This strategy worked for me because I was the kind of person who could only date one person at a time, so I didn’t need to use my online dating profile until my new relationship ended.

    The one disadvantage of this strategy is that you don’t know what the guy is doing when he logs in – he could be sending polite “thanks, but I just met someone” responses to emails he received from other girls instead of being actively on the market. But it is an option to consider.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0

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  3. Christina Says:

    Have an adult discussion, and take it down when it’s mutually agreed upon. I guess, if you met online, this goes together with whatever sort of conversation you have about exclusivity.

    That being said, my husband and I got a bit of criticism when we first got together, because we didn’t completely take our profiles down. At the time, we were both addicted to the dating site forums and decided to keep our profiles active just for that. We still changed our status to “not single/not looking” and made it clear in the profile body that we’d found someone and were no longer interested in inquiries.

    As long as the two of you feel comfortable enough to talk this over, it shouldn’t be a big deal. If you worry about it, or feel the need to spy on your partner, then the relationship either isn’t going to last, or needs a lot more time to get onto a secure footing.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 9 Thumb down 0

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    • Artful Dater (@ArtfulDater) Says:

      I completely agree– when you feel you’re on the cusp of exclusivity, you should have a conversation with your partner, instead of trying to quantify that the right amount of time has passed.

      Deactivating your profile can actually be a fun milestone with online dating. I remember, with my BF of over four years now, it was meaningful because we knew we were really happy seeing only each other. I believe one of us playfully brought it up– “So, are you still getting a lot of hits on your profile” led to “oh, you know, just the usual weirdos” led to… “I haven’t even logged on in a while” finally led to “did we just agree that we’re going OFFLINE!? wooooo!”… it was cute :)

      It’s not as scary a conversation as you might think… its just switching a profile setting, not buying an engagement ring, right?

      And of course, the keyword is “deactivate” your profile. You don’t have to delete it for all eternity, forever, forever-ever…

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 1

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  4. Michael Says:

    I was just discussing this with a group of men a few weekends back. The responses were very interesting, but I think it all boiled down to the “chemistry” factor. We all basically would take it (our dating profile) down at the point we felt like the woman we were dating had the attributes we wanted in a significant other and that we wanted to make the investment of time to pursue that relationship, exclusively.

    How we got there and what those attributes are vary as much as men do, but we all agreed that men date two kinds of women; Women we want to marry, and Women we want to sleep with, and its great when a girl meets the criteria for inclusion in both groups.

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    • Andthatswhyyouresingle Says:

      Ok, but many dates does it take to determine that?

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      • DC Phil Says:

        It varies, I’m sure. Depends somewhat on the people involved and somewhat on the circumstances.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

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      • Michael Says:

        I don’t think you can put a number on it, with any scientific certainty. But, being in the same business as you I can see where you’re clients are asking you “how many?”. I’ve told women 3 and men 6. The reason for this is that women get about 100 times more requests on a dating site than men and therefore a lull in activity for women isn’t as detrimental as it is for men. I like my boys to be sure they really feel the “chemistry” before hiding their profile.

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  5. Carrie Blogshaw Says:

    Dating profiles could be taken down once a ‘connection’ is felt, however dating profiles MUST be taken down when exclusivity has been reached. Both parties must oblige.
    My last boyfriend took his profile down after our first date. Awww… Still, I waited for exclusivity and good thing I did – becuase he turned out to be a loser and now my profile is back up!
    Hugs,
    Carrie Blogshaw

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  6. The Private Man Says:

    He’s my extremely contrary advice regarding profiles during dating. Neither party should take them down. In fact, both parties should log in every day without shame or hesitation.

    Consider it motivation to be a the best girlfriend/boyfriend ever.

    OK, time to heap contumely upon my head.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 3 Thumb down 7

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  7. Mr. R Says:

    I remember back when I took my dating profile down, on eHarmony, Match, and OKC. It was right after the second date with my wife.

    My thoughts were – man, this girl is incredible, amazing, beautiful, intelligent… the list goes on and on! It’s time to take it down, and only focus on her.

    Between date 2 and date 3, I decided that I only wanted to date her. So I took my profiles down. On date 3 with her, I told her that “You know, it’s just not fair to all the other women out there when all I’m thinking about is you, so I took my online dating profiles down. And by the way, I know it’s too early for boyfriend/girlfriend, but what do you think about exclusivity?”

    And thus, the profiles went down.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 21 Thumb down 0

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  8. Random Girl Says:

    I deleted my profile, not just hid it, when I decided that I was really interested in the person I was dating, about 4 dates in. It didn’t mean I wanted to be exclusive, it just meant that I know myself well enough to know that I didn’t need the distractions that would come or the tempting of “the grass being greener” with someone else that contacted me.

    I admit, I checked in to see if he was logging in still and he was. It bugged me, so I just came right out with it and asked, after he said he was only interested in dating me. He said he had the phone app and to clear off the email he went in fairly regularly. It could be something else but I chose to trust. The next day, his profile came down, just hidden not deleted, but still, it was good enough for the time being.

    dated for 6 months. A few weeks after we called it off, his same profile was back and active…yes, I checked… and that is fine with me. I do appreciate him taking it down while we were serious about pursuing our relationship.

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  9. Craig Says:

    I always left my profile up, but didn’t log onto it because I usually was only seeing one person at a time anyway. The times I was seeing more than one woman, typically only one of them had been encountered online. It was extremely rare for me to be talking to multiple women at the same time online – usually I had to email 100 of them just to get one reponse. Even if you get an email from someone else in the interim, you can reply without logging on to the site – at least you could on Match when I was on it. My profile was only coming down if exclusivity was mutually understood and agreed upon. So there was never any specific number of dates put on it.

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  10. Amy Says:

    I met my current boyfriend online. I took my profile down after we agreed that we weren’t seeing other people. That was about 6 weeks after we started dating. However, I didn’t log in much during that 6 weeks, partly because I didn’t want to see if he was. I may have gone on other dates during that time, but I didn’t hear from anyone who seemed more interesting to me than my bf & I don’t normally date more than one person at a time.

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  11. UGH! Says:

    I’ve been down this road. My approach is the same today as it was many years ago when I just got divorced: If I’m knocking boots with you I am off the market & all profiles are removed/hidden. However I’ve learned a few things along the way. One being that all people are different & don’t fret if someone doesn’t do things the way I would do them. My gut at the time was that this woman was less than sincere & that was later confirmed. Lesson: Trust your instincts

    Here is what happened: I met a woman online, we hit it off right from the start. There were some red flags about the 3 month period that she was still playing the field, keeping her options open. Weather or not she was having sex with them I have no clue. One day there was a phone call incident, (at dinner & she left the table to take the call, extremely rude!). That prompted a conversation regarding what page we were on. By agreement we were exclusive,,,So why did she still have a profile that is being logged into after we had this conversation? I did something i will never do again: I went on to create a profile that appealed to her gold digger/greedy side. I sent her a brief 2 or 3 sentence reach out contact email. I was sure she would not reply or if she did it would be to say thanks but no thanks. I was wrong. I went on to make a date with her as the alter ego only to stand her up at the last minute. I never did confront her over this. The trust was totally shot after this & never did recover.

    Reflecting back what should I have done different? Paid attention to all of the red flags prior to me being prompted to set her up. In the time after that I avoid women who seem to have this need to be social butterflies & center of attention. Red flags: Pay attention to them, amber ones too! Also I suppress the trust issue that have been induced upon me by a few women in my 20′s.

    As for the profiles I still take them down after a conversation & a physical relationship is underway. That;s me!

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